Happy New Year, Welcome 2017!


welcome-2017I am not a big fan of new year resolutions, never have been, never made one that I kept; so I stopped making them years ago. This year I am not making new year resolutions but I AM making new year intentions. 

I think resolutions put a lot of pressure on us and we set ourselves up to fail, whereas, intentions mean you are going to try to make some changes. I used to diet, a lot! and the minute I decided I was never going to eat chocolate cake again all I could think about was chocolate cake.

I never did say “I will never speak to my ex again”, it was too final, too “over”, too much for my heart to bare. Just thinking I would never talk to him again made me want to call.
I did it hour by hour, day by day, and the longer I went without contacting him the more I didn’t want to contact him because he always made me feel bad and I wanted to feel good. I knew any “high” I got from contact with him would dissipate quickly with the end result of me crying and being hurt, filled with self doubt, so now it has been 5 years and I would be hard pressed to come up with the day of our last contact.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with life and what works for them, I share my experience and thoughts in hope they help others, whether it’s to learn from my mistakes or my successes makes no difference, as long as something is learned and beneficial to someone.

Even though I don’t make resolutions I do evaluate the passing year/s and think about what I want to accomplish in the coming year. Years fly by so quickly now, I find it is easy to have them slip by and before you know it 10 years have gone by and you have changed or done nothing yet aren’t happy. As in the 10 years I stayed with the narcissist.

My ex used to quote Oprah and Dr Phil as proof he was so enlightened, using the experts to prove his point, he especially liked “You can’t change anyone else, you can only change yourself” or in other words, “If you want someone to change you have to change yourself.” Which is correct but not in the way he meant it to. What it means is; if you don’t like the way someone treats you, you can only change how you deal with it, which could very well mean you have to walk away. I also believe we teach people how to treat us; no we don’t teach them to abuse us but by allowing it and forgiving time after time, we are teaching them that they can do whatever they want and we will always forgive them. Sometimes we have to walk away. I know I forgave my ex because I was afraid if I didn’t I would lose him, but what was I losing? I could explain until I was blue in the face why his actions hurt me and nothing changed.

I was tagged in a Facebook post during the holidays that got me really thinking, well the holidays really had me thinking about my life, my attitude, my people skills. The person was angry, hurting and saying that a positive attitude does not fix everything. I don’t recall ever saying it did and I don’t think I am an overly positive person; but then, that can be how you look at it. I told my brother that someone thought I was too positive, he laughed and said, “You aren’t positive at all!” Which was just as offensive as being told I am too positive. But my brother really has not paid much attention to my life either, he doesn’t know what I have been through, where I have lived, my struggles; only what my mother has told him and that thought is scary because my mom has some pretty far out views and misconceptions, if she even listens to what you are saying before she is telling you what you did wrong or need to do to change things.

As some of you may know, I spent Christmas at my brother’s with my son, mother, step dad, etc. I noticed something happening even prior to Christmas that I didn’t like and didn’t know how to handle which has motivated one of my intentions for 2017. All families have a way of interacting that is pretty ingrained, which isn’t a bad thing if it is healthy, but I find myself getting very upset and offended. I know my brother and son love me and don’t mean to hurt me and I have no desire to start a fight with either of them. I don’t want to get into a debate about what they said or meant by what they said and I know it will end up with them telling me I am too sensitive and me removing myself from the situation. I want to have a relationship with my son and brother that we all enjoy, I want them to enjoy spending time with me and I most definitely want to enjoy my time with them. Which is not the way things are now.

I am sure they would both deny it but I feel they treat me like I am stupid, it feels to me that everything I say is met with an argument and I get sick of it and when I defend myself I am told I am looking for a fight. For example: I mentioned that while we lived in Clearwater the 4 dogs were really good at dinner time and would sit and wait for their dinner. My son laughed and said “No way!!” he insisted there was always a fighting amongst the dogs at meal time. I ended up text messaging the girl that owned the boys and asking her what meal time was like. My son wanted to know why it was so important to me that I was right that I had to message her, my question is “Why was it so important to him to contradict me to the point I felt I had to prove my point?”

I can laugh at myself as well as anyone but when it is a constant barrage of insults, arguments and little jabs, I lose my sense of humor. There was a cougar hanging around the house and I was nervous to walk with Stella to the cabin late at night, I believe rightfully so considering there were cougar prints outside the cabin door in the morning but the guys laughed at me and said I was over reacting. But I left and my nephew stayed in the cabin and they gave him a shotgun to pack when he walked to the cabin. Not that I wanted a shotgun, I just wanted to be walked to the cabin and not laughed at.

I ended up being very quiet and doing a lot of writing and thinking. There were other things that happened, nothing major but I want my relationships to be the best they can be and confrontation rarely works.

When I got home and checked my email and there was a course being offered, something like, “Getting rid of bad Family Karma”, it costs $25 us, and I immediately paid for it (thanks to some donations I received before Christmas). I haven’t started the course yet but will share what I learn as I go. I also bought a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer “Intentions” and am looking forward to reading what he has to say.

Maybe all your relationships with your family and friends have been smooth and wonderfully fulfilling and rewarding and the narcissist was the only one who ever hurt you and that you had problems with but I can’t say that and I don’t many people can. I believe that you can study the traits of a narcissist and not be safe from getting involved with another one. Your best chance of not getting sucked in by another narcissist is by changing how you communicate and how you deal with other people.

Plus I believe there is a tendency for a victim of a narcissist to see narcissistic traits in almost everyone or to second guess themselves when they do meet a narcissist and question whether they are just being too sensitive because of their experience with the narcissist.

I vowed a long time ago to just be honest with my feelings and not try to guess what people mean or why they act the way they do, to take things at face value and not assign feelings to people that they may not be feeling. But when it comes to the people we love it is not so easy. I hope to grow in this area in 2017.

Another intention I have for 2017 is to become more regimented as far as doing posts for the blog and pursuing other avenues and platforms for my activism, hopefully some that will bring in some regular income.

So……. all that said, my Intentions for 2017 are in many ways the same ones I had last year, to grow and become a better person; grow, improve and continue to help people through my blog and most importantly improve my relationship with my son by changing how I interact with him.

What are your intentions for 2017?

Many of you may think that 2016 was one of the worst years for you but I think it is one of your best years, because you did something for yourself and you grew as a person.

Remember in 2017 to look forward and not back.

3 thoughts on “Happy New Year, Welcome 2017!

  1. Aura Gael

    Happy new year Carrie.

    I would be very interested to read about how this goes.

    I’m really sorry to hear about them treating you this way. It sounds familiar, as my family had been treating me the same way and then some. They were quite abusive and really mind-fucked me as a matter of fact.

    I recognize the double standard there when it came to the cougar around your cabin. Makes me go, ‘What the fuck?”

    And then the thing with ‘wanting a fight’ because you defend yourself. I think that’s a scapegoat or even gas lighting maneuver.

    But then they’d be the first to say something like, “I have a right to stand up for myself when you…(fill in the blank.) ” So it’s also another double standard.

    In my situation, for my sanity, I had to cut ties with the people who were treating me like this. My mother, brother and sister, used me as the scapegoat and I was so beaten down, I couldn’t figure out how to stand up for myself without feeling minimized…”It was just a joke.”

    My mother and sister triangulated me, my mother serving as sister’s flying monkey. I was also raged at, gas-lighted, given the same ultimatum by all three at separate times. Attempts were made at getting me to bend on previously made disagreements. Ugh, I could go on but I won’t.

    I hope you can find a way to communicate so that your family members treat you with the respect you deserve.


  2. Allegra Shaw

    Happy New Year Carrie.
    The old cliche you don’t choose your family seems appropriate here. (Some sayou you do in a spiritually karmic kind of way)
    The simple truth is that there are thankfully people you naturally resonate with and those that leave most of you unexpressed.
    I used to be accused by my mother of being argumentative. I was brought up by my father to have a good brain and I was just intellectually curious.
    It’s the people who want a ‘quiet life’ that can’t cope with precision which is the cornerstone of all worthwhile pursuits and makes us alive.
    There endeth the lecture!!


  3. Farelle

    I can relate so much to this….I had long time problems interacting with my family, exactly the same as you described it…I felt as if whenever i talked about my feelings or weaknesses that it was downplayed…or diminished or made fun of….when conversations turned into simply arguing with what I’m saying when I KNOW it’s not true, as in there is no way I could be so blind and then needing to second guess myself, because they insist so strongly on it, only to find out that I was right afterall and them then just growing silent or saying that it wouldn’t have been necessary to check up on it…….there was a time when i just played into their hands, reacting only, not being aware of what they were doing and why i felt so anxious and bad around them, but at the time i had to deal with my narcissistic partner, I had to become aware of what happened…and after that I was too aware of what was going on in my family aswell….i was aware of hostilities before, but just not as crystal clear….and i still struggle with it from time to time, that i wonder if i just got oversensitive to anything that closely resembles the “abuse” of the narcissist….

    but i had to learn and accept that there was a reason that i was getting into the fangs of him :/ which was the environment i grew up in….I wanted to please everyone…i wanted to make everyone feel better….help to be happier….and i didn’t want to be the reason for anyone to be angry at me…and that practically meant that i was exposing myself, making myself vulnerable to any kind of hostility towards myself…thinking it’s unfair but at the same time somehow as if I would deserve that treatment….

    In the end…what I had to learn and are still working on, is that I had to accept that I can’t change my family…I can’t change who they are…how they are…what they are….they will stay my family even if i don’t want them…they will be who they are because they are in control of their lifes and THEY found a way to live with themselves….they don’t see a reason to change themselves….they don’t see the reason that I think why they should change….so…..after a while….paying attention to my feelings….when interacting with them…i learned that in order to be more in peace with how they are…i need to be accepting towards myself…how should I expect anyone else to accept me how I am, if I am thinking that I should be different?
    So I started to be more honest towards them….telling them about how I was feeling sometimes…in a non accusing way….i was sometimes bluntly saying when i didn’t like something….i was telling when I liked something….i was talking with them about some horrible truths…and found out that they were supporting me…i talked with my grandma and found out that she always thought of me as an independent successful person and that it never appeared as if i needed help….and now…I’m at a point where I can finally say that I could probably visit them without having an anxiety attack…and even if i would have one, i would know that i wouldn’t be judged for telling them…if i make clear that i feel really bad…then there is no missunderstanding and they actually show that they care….

    I had to make peace with them at some point…cause they are such a big part of what made me, me. And i notice also with my current life partner, that the problems i had/have with them don’t just go away by avoiding them, because everyone I interact with, and want to be with has most likely traits from them….so….this also plays into my “goals” not only for this year, but in general…. I want to learn how to be as honest as i can…as loving as i can…learning how listen, learning how to be there for someone else….and i want to learn how to accept the things i can not change….how to be supportive and how to communicate and get new experiences that replace some of the obsolete mind constructs i got from my past, that seem to intervene with the way i want to live….



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