The Narcissist and Addiction

signs-of-cheating-husband

I had a question on the 3 Phases of a Relationship with a Narcissist post asking if narcissists are known to have addiction issues, the person said their partner is an alcoholic and sex addict.

Almost all narcissists have an addiction of some sort and sex is the most common.

Why?

There are several reasons.

1.  Narcissists hate rules. Telling a narcissist not to do something is almost certain to guarantee he will go straight out and do exactly what he has been told not to do. Narcissists are known for breaking rules, societal and marital, cheat on tests, etc and often times operate on the fringes of the law. As children, they are the child that is always disobeying the simplest of family rules. As teens, they are often times in trouble with the police, don’t abide by curfews, disruptive at school, they are always pushing the envelop.

2. Often times they are adrenalin junkies and from an early age will engage in dangerous activities such as speeding, have a fascination with fire, hurt their siblings or family pets, it seems everything is done to the extreme. * Warning narcissists seem to think they are invincible, superior to mere humans and seldom practice safe sex, so if you are with a narcissist please get tested for STD’s. Many women have come in here with some sexually transmitted disease.

3. They have no boundaries, they don’t respect the boundaries of others and have none of their own. The only time they respect boundaries is if it is in their best interest, I remember telling my mother in law that the neighbours were upset because my ex would stay up all night working in his shop keeping everyone awake. Her reply was, “They are just going to have to accept that’s just the way he is.” I said, “When does he have to accept that people DON’T have to accept him just the way he is?”

4. Narcissist’s brains are wired differently than a normal person’s brain; not only are they unable to feel empathy or guilt, all their feelings are numbed. They are on a constant quest to feel.

5. They need instant gratification, combine their “what ever feels good, do it” attitude with a lack of conscience or guilt and the world is their oyster (or so they think), being faithful to one person is not very likely, if not totally impossible.

6. Narcissists are pathological liars, they lie even when they don’t have to just because they love pulling the wool over someone’s eyes. It’s fun, a game of strategy, and the victim hasn’t a clue they are playing a dangerous game with a mad man.

7. Contrary to how it may look, a narcissist actually hates intimacy. Many victims of a narcissist will tell you that in the beginning the narc was insatiable sexually and was the most attentive lover they have ever had but with time the love making became robotic, lacking any attention to the victims pleasure. If you are with him long enough eventually the sex is practically non-existent unless he is trying to win the partner back.

He is on a high in the beginning, like a drug he is getting off on winning you over, it reaffirms to him that he is irresistible, sexy, and “all that”. He knows he is lying and the simple fact that you don’t, is enough to keep him on his NS high. BUT once he has you the thrill is gone. He has the woman, now what? Because his feelings are so under developed, once the thrill of winning over the target ends, he feels dead inside.

In an ideal romantic relationship the initial infatuation ends and the couple transitions into a more relaxed, realistic  and comfortable relationship. This is when true love grows,  but like a switch going off he is acting like he brought you home from the bar for a one night stand and you are too stupid to know it’s time to go home. It was a horribly confusing time, how had I misread the cues so badly? He asked me to move in, didn’t he? All of a sudden he doesn’t want to do anything together and spends all his time on the internet or at work or his shop. He never wants to talk about anything and if you do talk it ends up in a fight. What happened?

8. Because he is unable to truly love he has no idea how to keep love alive. He is a lie, his whole life is a lie, when it comes to living together day to day he has nothing to give and that is when the discard usually starts. Getting married, moving in together, having a baby, whatever signifies to the narcissist that the target is fully committed. The thrill was sucking the victim in, so the narcissist must create chaos, drama, trauma and suspicion in order to keep the victim on tender hooks.

My ex used to spend hours staring into a fire or working in his shop, anything but spend time with me, he didn’t even come to bed. I used to ask him what he was thinking about and he would say, “Nothing”, of course I didn’t believe him, but now I really think he was thinking about nothing. You see, in order to get by in the world the narcissist has memorized appropriate responses to certain events, he has practiced and perfected certain emotions and he has learned how to mimic someone in love but he has no idea how to grow love, reciprocate healthy love. He only knows the script he has learned, and that is; how to suck a victim in. He watches love movies and gives women their Hollywood romance, but love movies always end with the happy couple going off into the sunset, very seldom do we see the mundane day to day life they live as a married couple. If there is anything a narcissist hates it is being bored.

It may start slow, with personal ads, where he hooks a lot of women, lies about his situation and is satisfied with just leading on a bunch of women he has no intention of meeting. For awhile that will give him the adrenalin rush he needs but like a junkie he builds a tolerance for the high and the victim becomes complacent, so he has to up his game, eventually he WILL cheat and often times have several women going at the same time.

Let me ask you something.

Did you ever find yourself thinking the N in your life was pretty careless, leaving some evidence of his infidelity out where you could find it, forgetting to sign out of his dating app, or dropping a letter to another woman, …… Of course he denied it adamantly and somehow turned the tables on you, accused you of spying on him, being paranoid or whatever.

9. They love the game of cat and mouse, they want to get caught, your pain is proof of his control over you. If I didn’t pick up on his cheating right away he would leave some evidence out for me to “find”.  If you dump him and he convinces you to go back to him, again; it is a source of narcissistic supply for him. He has you right where he wants you, no matter what he does, you will take him back. In his mind you deserve to be hurt for being so gullible to believe his lies.  Once he has you again the honeymoon is shorter and the abuse is worse. As my ex told me, “Whenever you took me back I thought to myself, “Well, I got away with that, what else can I get away with?” “It’s kinda your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back.”

Why get married then? For one thing it is a lot of work keeping that mask on plus he can not handle rejection and needs a constant source of narcissistic supply. That is what the wife is for, she is to be sitting at home waiting for him while he is off getting his strokes from other women. He rarely has only one woman in his life, he loves the drama of triangulation, like I said he lives for drama and conflict.

He also finds it most rewarding to steal some other man’s wife, if he can break up a marriage it is proof of his superiority. The narcissist wants every woman, and man for that matter to want him, he will woo the wife and destroy the marriage of his best friend just to say he can and then blame the woman and probably convince his buddy that he was the victim. My ex was having an affair with the older married neighbor lady in small town Saskatchewan when he was 12 yrs old. He has had 4 affairs with married women that I know of and broke up several dating type relationships.

Is it an addiction? more a compulsion or insatiable need, addiction carries the connotation that it can be overcome or fixed, a narcissist can not ever be fixed.

 

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2 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Addiction

  1. My ex N was addicted to porn….he used to think I was dumb and didn’t know, but I so did. He would always come to bed late, and rise early so he could look at it. Used to make me feel sick to my stomach, and I could tell when he had been watching it. Mean while our sex life was dead for months on end. Ile bring it up, and that would all be my fault!!

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  2. In my experience, it was all and always about winning. Sex was no different. He tried boasting (he must have thought it impressed me) that with one of his first girlfriends they had a bet to do it all night long until one gave up and of course she did because “she was ‘open’ down under and it hurted too much…”
    He was cheated on in his marriage and felt the need to prove that it wasn’t due to him not performing in bed. He had this annoying habit to tell anyone who wanted to hear it that he had a high testosterone level and a high libido .. (Pretty immature for a 40 year old, but do men really ever grow up? Not sure what kind of person he is trying to impress with such talk. He was considered a very classic, stylish person with high morals and values … right)
    We had an on/off ‘relationship’ for almost 3 years and sex was too frequent to be called normal (couple times a day). As time progressed, frequency stayed but was being replaced by masturbation (eve though I was there and ‘available’), and started to show the first signs of BDSM: first verbally challenging me I was not able to let go of control, slapping me which I refused, then bought bondage ropes which were never used because it was near the end.
    Considering the rest of the dominating nightmare (and aggression), the sexual ‘evolution’ of our ‘relationship’ freaked me out. It was the only soft spot we had left and that also started to crumble … Not sure where it would have ended up ..
    With his ex-wife, it was different apparently. Twice a week, no emotions, more an obtained right. She refused a lot.
    Yes, I am in contact with his ex-wife, despite all advice not to do so. We have helped each other through the gaslighting and the feeling of guilt …and are in some way each other’s therapy.
    We don’t know if he ‘cheated’ in the sexual sense … with me, and his next girlfriend he seems to be searching for admiration permanently and elsewhere, he keeps a couple of girls ‘interested’ and picks one at a time. Once he is about to cheat, he breaks it off and goes to the next one, meanwhile keeping the previous one as backup (still love you, you’re still the one, you will always be my muse, every woman I will have from now on I will be cheating on with thoughts about you … ) If the new one doesn’t work, he goes back and continues his search. In his mind, it’s not cheating.

    I figured I’d share because it is not an easy subject and some of you who are still searching for what to accept and what not …. this is my story

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