This post isn’t about narcissists, it’s about the worst hell I have ever experienced.
I didn’t think there was a worse hell that what I went through after I left my ex.
For the last 6 months I have been spiralling into a black hole of depression I couldn’t claw my way out of. It started when I went to my cardiologist and he wanted to admit me to the hospital immediately and told me I could drop dead any minute. I didn’t feel he was listening to me, my mother was with me and she felt we were both pressured by the doctor. If I didn’t get a pacemaker immediately I was going to drop dead.
At that appointment he quadrupled my carvidilol dosage from 3.125 to 12.5 ml, he showed me stats that showed people who took larger doses lived longer. He said nothing about monitoring me closely or raising the dose gradually.
The pacemaker implant happened pretty quickly so when I started to feel so lousy I assumed it was from the failed attempt at implanting the pacemaker.
I have told every single doctor I speak to that I am more concerned with quality of life than quantity. I don’t think I am being negative, I am being realistic. I see no point in living a life with no enjoyment in it. I have no savings, it is impossible to live on the $610 the government expects me to live on and with them refusing to approve my disability designation, which leaves me starving, living in some low rent hell hole and well …….. I am not doing it. I was promised that with a pacemaker my quality of life would improve greatly, so I agreed. Prior to the procedure I was able to walk Stella, had some hope for some sort of future, part time work? I had a life.
But since the procedure my health, both physical and emotional; steadily spiralled down. I was having nightmares, I woke up crying every morning, I got more and more out of breath and less and less energy. My joints ached and I developed a pain in my back under my shoulder blade that took my breath away, the only relief I got was if I laid flat on my stomach, but if I laid down I couldn’t breath. I lost all motivation to do anything, I went days without showering because it just wasn’t worth the effort. My house was filthy, blogging became impossible because not only had I lost all and any of my creativity, if I sat for more than a few minutes the pain in my back became unbearable.
In October I was at my brother’s for Thanksgiving and could walk to the cabin without too much effort, a few months later at Christmas, by the time I got to the cabin or from the cabin to the house I felt like I had run a marathon; my legs were weak, I felt nauseous, dizzy and I would have to stop several times on the way. A few days ago my brother asked me to check on his boat. A year and a half ago I easily walked up and down the ramp, even moved on and off the boat but last week I had to stop 1/2 way up the ramp and didn’t think I would make it. I parked the car in the no parking space at the top of the ramp because I couldn’t make it to the car after having to climb the ramp.
It was becoming so hard to breath, last week I actually left my door unlocked at night for fear I would have to call 911 and they would need to get in. I stopped sleeping in bed because I had to prop myself up with pillows to sleep. I would take Stella to the dog park and barely make it from the car to the gate without passing out. Last week I sat on a bench and when I left I forgot her collar, leash and my reading glasses. One of the women told me everyone was saying I just wasn’t myself.
The depression was drowning me, I went to the doctor and he prescribed anti-depressants. I took them one night and they made me so nauseous I had to take a Gravol and I was still up all night thinking I was going to throw up.
On top of all that I was losing my hair by the handfuls, had chronic diarrhea to the point of not being able to leave the house for days, heart palpitations, episodes of my heart feeling like it was going to pound right out of my chest for no reason, my blood pressure dropped drastically and my heart rate went up, headaches, and depression, always a thick fog of depression hanging over me. But who wouldn’t be depressed? The doctors weren’t listening to me, and the one that did prescribed more drugs.
I felt totally alone, my son is living a 3 hour drive away and I could never have driven that distance with the back pain I was suffering and I honestly felt I could die any minute. At Christmas I truly thought it could be my last and I wanted so desperately to spend it with my son and granddaughter. He has his own life and problems without me laying my health concerns on him, yet I was feeling that time was running out. How do you explain something invisible to the eye, I stopped talking about it because I felt everyone thought I was exaggerating or a hypochondriac. I got paranoid. I sat for days on the couch, blindly watching TV (I never used to watch TV). I just hoped the next time they did my pacemaker it worked.
The second pacemaker attempt failed and I felt as if I was in some Twilight Zone episode, the doctors didn’t seem the least bit concerned when I told them I was barely hanging on physically, mentally or financially, that I had no quality of life. I can’t tell you how many times I said, “I am not concerned with the quantity of my life, I am only concerned with the quality of my life. I don’t want to live this way.” Nothing! I tried to get ahold of the doctor from the UBC Heart Team and just got the run-a-round and told they were booking in April to test my defibrillator and discuss the next steps with the pacemaker issue. My worst nightmare, be given a drug that stole all my pleasure in life, unable to get the pacemaker that would improve my life and yet stuck with a defibrillator that will keep me alive. That is like the cruelest thing you can do to a person.
Then I Google “side effects of Carvidilol” and this is what I found.
Patients should be closely monitored when prescribed this medication or when increasing the dosage.
The patient should contact the physician immediately if they experience any of these Side Effects:
chest – pain, discomfort, tightness or heaviness
Dizziness, lightheadedness, fainting
Heart Failure (I love this one! seeing as they prescribed it because I have heart failure)
Shortness of breath, difficulty breathing
low heartbeat, fast or irregular heart beat
Loss of appetite, weight gain
back pain on right side, arm, jaw pain
Coma, confusion, convulsions, loss of sight, inability to speak
Knee, ankle, joint pain
increased blood pressure, large amount of cholesterol in blood (I haven’t checked mine, but I would imagine had a doctor been monitoring my condition my blood would have been checked)
mental depression (yes it is mentioned more than once)
noisy rattling breathing, ears pounding, rapid breathing (at the time that I Googled it I was struggling to get enough oxygen and that is why I was not able to sleep, because I had to labor to breath)
Sudden and severe inability to speak
Weakness in arms and legs
Sores, ulcers, white spots, in mouth, loosening of teeth. (I have had sores in my mouth and now I have literally lost a chunk of my gum)
Then I found a site called “Askapatient” and found hundreds of comments saying “Do not take this drug” “This drug has ruined my life” Far too many to put here.
So in light of everything I have cut back on the dosage back to about 3.125 and it has been 4 days and I am already feeling SO much better. The pain in my back was gone the first day, I haven’t cried in 4 days, my breathing is better and I am able to sleep. I went to my brother’s boat and made it up the ramp without stopping.
I am hopeful that the longer I am off it the better I am going to feel and if I drop dead of a heart attack because I stopped taking it, so be it. Like I said, I am not worried about quantity, give me quality of life.!
I have been approached by another website that wants to feature my writing, I know I could write a book, everyone has suggestions on how I could make money but it has been a big enough struggle to just make it through the day. I have never experienced anything like it in my life. I was depressed after I left my ex but I was able to work and I just forced myself to get out there and work. I had horrible days of sitting, reminding myself to breath, wishing I would die, but still able to support myself and pull myself out of the black hole I was in. This………. this has been something way worse. I can’t adequately describe what it has been like.
I am feeling so much better and I am hoping soon I will find my motivation again. I have to be patient seeing as I was on the stronger dose of carvidilol for 6 months, it is not going to be an instant recovery from the effects.
I am going to try to be around more and I apologize to those of you who have reached out for help and I was unable to be there for you and I want to say a big thank you to all the people who have kept the blog going with your love and support of each other.