Carvidilol – One Way Ticket To Hell

This post isn’t about narcissists, it’s about the worst hell I have ever experienced.

I didn’t think there was a worse hell that what I went through after I left my ex.

For the last 6 months I have been spiralling into a black hole of depression I couldn’t claw my way out of. It started when I went to my cardiologist and he wanted to admit me to the hospital immediately and told me I could drop dead any minute. I didn’t feel he was listening to me, my mother was with me and she felt we were both pressured by the doctor. If I didn’t get a pacemaker immediately I was going to drop dead.

At that appointment he quadrupled my carvidilol dosage from 3.125 to 12.5 ml, he showed me stats that showed people who took larger doses lived longer. He said nothing about monitoring me closely or raising the dose gradually.

The pacemaker implant happened pretty quickly so when I started to feel so lousy I assumed it was from the failed attempt at implanting the pacemaker.

I have told every single doctor I speak to that I am more concerned with quality of life than quantity. I don’t think I am being negative, I am being realistic. I see no point in living a life with no enjoyment in it. I have no savings, it is impossible to live on the $610 the government expects me to live on and with them refusing to approve my disability designation, which leaves me starving, living in some low rent hell hole and well …….. I am not doing it. I was promised that with a pacemaker my quality of life would improve greatly, so I agreed. Prior to the procedure I was able to walk Stella, had some hope for some sort of future, part time work? I had a life.

But since the procedure my health, both physical and emotional; steadily spiralled down. I was having nightmares, I woke up crying every morning, I got more and more out of breath and less and less energy. My joints ached and I developed a pain in my back under my shoulder blade that took my breath away, the only relief I got was if I laid flat on my stomach, but if I laid down I couldn’t breath. I lost all motivation to do anything, I went days without showering because it just wasn’t worth the effort. My house was filthy, blogging became impossible because not only had I lost all and any of my creativity, if I sat for more than a few minutes the pain in my back became unbearable.

In October I was at my brother’s for Thanksgiving and could walk to the cabin without too much effort, a few months later at Christmas, by the time I got to the cabin or from the cabin to the house I felt like I had run a marathon; my legs were weak, I felt nauseous, dizzy and I would have to stop several times on the way. A few days ago my brother asked me to check on his boat. A year and a half ago I easily walked up and down the ramp, even moved on and off the boat but last week I had to stop 1/2 way up the ramp and didn’t think I would make it. I parked the car in the no parking space at the top of the ramp because I couldn’t make it to the car after having to climb the ramp.

It was becoming so hard to breath, last week I actually left my door unlocked at night for fear I would have to call 911 and they would need to get in. I stopped sleeping in bed because I had to prop myself up with pillows to sleep. I would take Stella to the dog park and barely make it from the car to the gate without passing out. Last week I sat on a bench and when I left I forgot her collar, leash and my reading glasses. One of the women told me everyone was saying I just wasn’t myself.

The depression was drowning me, I went to the doctor and he prescribed anti-depressants. I took them one night and they made me so nauseous I had to take a Gravol and I was still up all night thinking I was going to throw up.

On top of all that I was losing my hair by the handfuls, had chronic diarrhea to the point of not being able to leave the house for days, heart palpitations, episodes of my heart feeling like it was going to pound right out of my chest for no reason, my blood pressure dropped drastically and my heart rate went up, headaches, and depression, always a thick fog of depression hanging over me. But who wouldn’t be depressed? The doctors weren’t listening to me, and the one that did prescribed more drugs.

I felt totally alone, my son is living a 3 hour drive away and I could never have driven that distance with the back pain I was suffering and I honestly felt I could die any minute. At Christmas I truly thought it could be my last and I wanted so desperately to spend it with my son and granddaughter. He has his own life and problems without me laying my health concerns on him, yet I was feeling that time was running out. How do you explain something invisible to the eye, I stopped talking about it because I felt everyone thought I was exaggerating or a hypochondriac. I got paranoid. I sat for days on the couch, blindly watching TV (I never used to watch TV). I just hoped the next time they did my pacemaker it worked.

The second pacemaker attempt failed and I felt as if I was in some Twilight Zone episode, the doctors didn’t seem the least bit concerned when I told them I was barely hanging on physically, mentally or financially, that I had no quality of life. I can’t tell you how many times I said, “I am not concerned with the quantity of my life, I am only concerned with the quality of my life. I don’t want to live this way.” Nothing! I tried to get ahold of the doctor from the UBC Heart Team and just got the run-a-round and told they were booking in April to test my defibrillator and discuss the next steps with the pacemaker issue. My worst nightmare, be given a drug that stole all my pleasure in life, unable to get the pacemaker that would improve my life and yet stuck with a defibrillator that will keep me alive. That is like the cruelest thing you can do to a person.

Then I Google “side effects of Carvidilol” and this is what I found.

Patients should be closely monitored when prescribed this medication or when increasing the dosage.

The patient should contact the physician immediately if they experience any of these Side Effects:

chest – pain, discomfort, tightness or heaviness
Dizziness, lightheadedness, fainting
Hair loss
Heart Failure (I love this one! seeing as they prescribed it because I have heart failure)
Shortness of breath, difficulty breathing
low heartbeat, fast or irregular heart beat
Loss of appetite, weight gain
Anxiety, depression
back pain on right side, arm, jaw pain
Coma, confusion, convulsions, loss of sight, inability to speak
Knee, ankle, joint pain
increased blood pressure, large amount of cholesterol in blood (I haven’t checked mine, but I would imagine had a doctor been monitoring my condition my blood would have been checked)
mental depression (yes it is mentioned more than once)
nervousness, nightmares,
noisy rattling breathing, ears pounding, rapid breathing (at the time that I Googled it I was struggling to get enough oxygen and that is why I was not able to sleep, because I had to labor to breath)
Sudden and severe inability to speak
Weakness in arms and legs
Sores, ulcers, white spots, in mouth, loosening of teeth. (I have had sores in my mouth and now I have literally lost a chunk of my gum)

Then I found a site called “Askapatient” and found hundreds of comments saying “Do not take this drug” “This drug has ruined my life” Far too many to put here.

So in light of everything I have cut back on the dosage back to about 3.125 and it has been 4 days and I am already feeling SO much better. The pain in my back was gone the first day, I haven’t cried in 4 days, my breathing is better and I am able to sleep. I went to my brother’s boat and made it up the ramp without stopping.

I am hopeful that the longer I am off it the better I am going to feel and if I drop dead of a heart attack because I stopped taking it, so be it. Like I said, I am not worried about quantity, give me quality of life.!

I have been approached by another website that wants to feature my writing, I know I could write a book, everyone has suggestions on how I could make money but it has been a big enough struggle to just make it through the day. I have never experienced anything like it in my life. I was depressed after I left my ex but I was able to work and I just forced myself to get out there and work. I had horrible days of sitting, reminding myself to breath, wishing I would die, but still able to support myself and pull myself out of the black hole I was in. This………. this has been something way worse. I can’t adequately describe what it has been like.

I am feeling so much better and I am hoping soon I will find my motivation again. I have to be patient seeing as I was on the stronger dose of carvidilol for 6 months, it is not going to be an instant recovery from the effects.

I am going to try to be around more and I apologize to those of you who have reached out for help and I was unable to be there for you and I want to say a big thank you to all the people who have kept the blog going with your love and support of each other.




15 thoughts on “Carvidilol – One Way Ticket To Hell

  1. Farelle

    This sounds absolutely horrible :/ I’m so sorry that this happened to you and what you had to go through…I hope you will have some quality of life compensation for this soon 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  2. marrohop

    OMG – Carrie, how heart-broken I am for you. I have physical troubles but nothing like you.
    I live in England, we still have NHS care but for how long I don’nt know for the amount of immigrants invading this country? My Mum suffered what you are going through and she was exhausted – I do hope you are feeling better? I don’nt know how the USA works i health care?
    Do you have to have insurance? You are a wonderful woman and given the most invauable advise to millions of women throughout the World. We All love You. Speedy recovery please.
    Love you Always xxxxx


  3. Drained and anonymous

    Hi Carrie, Thanks for the update. I always look forward to hearing from you. And what a relief that you trusted your instincts rather than what one doctor was making you take. I have this fear of prescription drugs, and will not take any unless I test a small piece of it first, and it doesn’t cause me any untolerable side affects. Unfortunately we live in a day and age where profit is more important than the safety and well being of people. But I know that some medications are still necessary, such as antibiotics, and pain meds for people who are suffering. I guess the moral of the story is to never blindly trust any doctor who might not have your best interests in mind.

    Welcome back. I have missed you and I am glad you are feeling much better and aren’t taking a dangerously high dose of drugs. If you have the option of finding another doctor, it might be best.


  4. Karen

    Im so sorry for all of your pain, but mostly that you weren’t heard. There cant be anything worse. I am suffering with PTSD over a 20 year relationship with a NARC and having a difficult time getting through each day, so I empathize. Reading your post made me realize there are always others who have it much worse and we have to support each other. I will keep you in my prayers. Peace & Love.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Debi

    Wow Carrie
    I just stumbled upon your blogs. Wow just wow! Reading your blogs made me realize I’m with a narcissist now and have been for 9 years!! Oh lord help me!!
    Carrie, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you had to go through the medical issues after you went through 10 yrs with a narcissist!! Jeeeez.
    I really hope you get back to your life now.
    Your writing is incredible, I felt like you were describing me to a tee!! You shouldn’t throw the option of writing a book out the window, just put the idea on the end table for a while.
    I will pray for all of us! ❤


  6. MM Bee

    As admin you have my email – please feel free to PM me re medical. Sounds like you got a narcissist doctor. We have to remember that not all narcissists are lovers or roommates or family members – Other arenas in which a great many are victimized by narcissists are teaching, health care, and the workplace. What you went through sounds perfectly HORRIBLE – and unethical, AND unprofessional. I (speaking for myself – not telling you what to do) would fire that cardiologist pronto and find another who gives a shit about humans. We have a right to interview our doctors, our teachers, and the people we work for as well. I no longer trust that because someone ‘has the sticker’ that they are worthy of my trust. Put another way – that I’ll give them my heart. You have my compassion and professional support. I am SO sorry you had to go through such a thing – that ANYone should.


  7. Brooke Hart

    Carrie this is a horrible ordeal you have experienced. I think it is a tragedy that Googling issues is the only way to get real answers. Doctor’s seem to fail their patients at so many levels. I hope you are feeling better and that you and Stella are content. My daughter is saying she won’t be taking her Cocker Spaniel back as I have ruined her. Hahaha. I adore her . She eats into my limited budget but is worth millions to me. Who would have known that I am a dog person. Happily my kitty is adjusting.


  8. Anna McGrath

    Dear Carrie, I am a visitor to this site today and I am so sorry to hear what you had to endure. I really hope that you have optimal recovery from this and that your health improves so that your quality of life may allow you to experience the happiness you so deserve. As for me, I have been finally discarded by my narcissist two months ago. He simply left with his laptop bag to go on business and never returned. I believe that because he’d been in and out of town for extended periods since November, that he was setting up a new situation elsewhere. Even though we experience so much abuse and pain, the grief in the aftermath can be something that hits us like a bolt from the blue. Missing the presence of someone who had been in my life for 7 years. We tend to forget the abuse and yearn for what we never got. I too had terrible chest pain, and still have. Yet I was told that my ecg and echo tests at the hospital were satisfactory. I had to return the following day for a stress test but when I still had chest pain, pressure and breathlessness, the stress test team refused to do it and sent me back to the acute medical unit with my chart. There I was seen by an extremely rude doctor who made me feel like a nothing. All the other staff I’d met at the hospital were nice people, some nicer than others, but this person was a rude, controlling, demeaning, and intimidating; you’ve guessed it, ‘narcissist’ doctor. Yet he kept me sitting at his desk for longer than any of the nicer people had and it seemed to me that he was keeping me there because he was angry and wanted to make me suffer. He was blaming me that I’d not had the test done, as I think he’d wanted to wrap up my case and discharge me. He asked aggressively; ‘WHY DID YOU REFUSE TO HAVE THAT TEST?’ I answered ‘please let me clarify this, I wanted to have it but the team couldn’t do it because of my symptoms.’ Sadly, having come out of a 7 year relationship with a narcissist, the effects of this doctors attitude to me was amplified tenfold and that night at home alone, my illness felt much worse and there was nowhere to turn because people just don’t really get it. Anyway, I believe that the stress I suffered from the abuse has caused a lot of damage and inflammation in my body which I believe is now an auto-immune disorder. My thyroid gland has been very inflamed for a number of years since I met the narcissist. I am actually studying for an MA in psychotherapy at the moment and I want to be a voice for victims and would so appreciate it if anyone on the site would be interested in telling me their stories? I am also a victim and that’s why I’m so interested in this. I would like to wish all you wonderful women or men, who have been victims of narcissistic abuse all the happiness you so deserve and I would like to thank you Carrie for your wonderful website. Much love to all, Anna.



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