When Will I Be My Old Self Again?

I hate to break it to you but you will never be your old self again, nor should you, for many good reasons. Here are a few reasons why you should take this opportunity to become the new and improved you.

1. Your old self got you into this mess in the first place, lets hope we all are wiser and stronger people for the experience. No experience in life is a waste as long as you learn and grow from it, don’t waste this chance to do some major personal growth.

2. Being naive and oblivious to the evils of the world gives us a false sense of security, and feeling secure is something everyone wants. We want to believe everyone has a good side, that bad things happen to other people, not us, evil people are in the movies and live somewhere else. We liked thinking we would be able to detect if someone was evil, we also used to believe in Santa Claus; but we all have to grow up and face reality some time.

3. Dwelling on the past and all you lost is only going to make you unhappy. Wishing things were different will only make you unhappy, you can’t change the past but you can change how you handle the future.

4. You can’t fix anyone else, you can’t change anyone else, but you have total control over how you live and if you live true to yourself and your core beliefs no one can ever make you feel guilty, less than, or that you don’t deserve to be happy.

5. No one, no matter how much you love them; has the right to expect you to compromise your principles or your well being. 

6. On the same note, to expect someone else to make you happy or feel valued is giving them too much responsiblity and pressure. I know I sure the hell don’t want the responsibility of someone else’s happiness and self worth.

7. It is not your fault you got sucked in by a narcissist because you didn’t know better, but now you do know better and need to figure out how to avoid it happening again. The scarest part for me was the thought that I had totally been a victim and had no control over what happened to me, it meant I had no control over it happening again. I HAD to find a way where I had control over what people did to me, I could not go the rest of my life helplessly reacting to life and the actions of others. 

(To not take some responsibility for it is setting yourself up for a life of fear and unhappiness. You are relying on luck to keep you safe and saying to yourself, “you are helpless to protect yourself”, then wonder why you keep getting hurt. There are women who go through life lamenting, “Why do I keep meeting assholes?” We all meet assholes, assholes are every where, the question should be, “Why do you stay with them?”)

8. Living true to your core values, having “deal breaker” boundaries, not sacrificing your happiness and security is NOT being selfish, it is being smart and it protects you from being a victim. Love is NOT sacrificing yourself, your values, your security, your morality. If someone says, “If you really loved me you would do this thing I ask.”  rephrase it and say, “If you really loved me you would not expect me to do something or accept something that I do not feel comfortable with.”

9. Some where along the way, during our upbringing, someone instilled in us that we are not complete or valueable without a partner in our life, that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. That is straight bullshit!! 

I am not a man hater, I am not the least bit bitter or jaded about relationships, a relationship can be wonderful, sharing your life with someone can be fantastic, a shoulder to lean on when life gets you down, someone to share the good times and weather the bad times with. I liked being part of a “couple”,  when a relationship is healthy there is nothing better but there is nothing worse than feeling alone when you aren’t, or always having to fight for your right to feel a certain way, there is nothing comforting about having to snoop to see if your spouse is being faithful, you should be able to trust your partner’s word, you should be able to trust your partner’s promises, you should be able to trust your own recollection of events and not be told you are crazy or paranoid. None of those things are part of a healthy loving relationship, and if you stay with that person, you never will have a healthy relationship.

10. You owe it to yourself and any future partner to take the time now to heal present and past hurts, deal with that inner voice that says you are not good enough, learn to set boundaries, YOUR deal breaker boundaries, learn to listen to your gut, to block the negative shit we have been told about ourselves, learn how to live a true and honest life in every area of your life. Stop being what you have been told you should be and start being the person you are meant to be. I guarantee you that if you start living life true to your core self you will know your worth and no one will ever be able to make you feel less than again, you will have less and less self doubt, and you WILL find inner peace. 

I recommend taking at least a year or two after a narcissist to heal before dating. If the thought of that makes you feel panicked and anxious, then you most definitely need to take a couple of years. If you need to find a man because you think the clock is ticking and time is running out for you to have a child, or you feel you can’t support yourself, or you can’t survive without a man, or all your friends are married and you feel like odd man out, and especially if you find yourself trying to be the kind of woman the man wants instead of being honest with yourself and him and admitting early on when the man is not the kind of man you want in your life. Too many times women bend over backwards trying to be what the man wants and making excuses for his unacceptable behaviour because they just started dating and don’t want to appear demanding or bitchy. 

I have actually had women come into the blog complaining because a guy doesn’t treat her with respect and at the same time describe how he got blind drunk their first date, she slept with him on the first date and she has been concerned about his drink all along, he has a warped sense of humor and expects her to come to his place for sex and then leave. He has never pretended to be in love with her and she is calling him a narcissist. No, you are a door mat that won’t demand a man treat you with respect. I think it was Dr Phil, or Oprah that said, “We teach people how to treat us.” And it is the truth. We teach people how to treat us by what we accept, asking for respect is not the same as demanding respect and being prepared to walk if you don’t get it.

So, please don’t wish to be your old self ………… strive to be your best self and make it a life long journey

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10 Replies to “When Will I Be My Old Self Again?”

  1. Thank you Carrie for this article. I need it to read this today. Hope you feeling better and my love and hugs for stella and you !
    Monica@florida .xoxox

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  2. As usual, you always express the truth in a no nonsense way and sadly it is the truth. I am now 29 months out and they are some of the longest months of my life. The recovery from being with that man may very well last a life time. The emotional abuse was so severe that I may never trust anyone again. I was betrayed by so many people during the discarding that it only compounds the problem. I find the whole issue to be a multitude of problems to deal with. The emotional and physical abuse are slow to heal. Trust issues are an interesting topic. I find that my age and experience in life overall make it more complicated. At this age, I figure the average man should have some sort of stability in his life. That is not the case where I live. Perhaps the choices are limited to bring in a rural area. Being older means there is often baggage. Children, child support, visitation, alimony, ex wives and often multiples of each. When you add in financial disasters and poly substance abuse it is just nuts. Meanwhile I can only focus on me. I literally work on a 3 X 3 section of my yard at a time. MRI shows I have moderate brain damage. Imagine that ? I guess to many blows to the head was not good for my cognitive abilities. We are stable and calm which is a blessing of it’s own. I try to find things to occupy my time and so wish that other women would get out sooner. Carrie, I believe in you and there must be a way to monetize this. How about you tube?

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    1. Brooke Hart,
      I am sorry you are still struggling, but you do keep trying and that is what is important.
      I really did not feel healed at 2 years either, life was a daily struggle full of ups and downs. When a person has health issues it is definitely compounded.
      A person’ s brain can heal, have you tried yoga or meditation? I never really did but I have heard it has really helped many people.
      I pray you find the inner peace I have in the future.
      As for monetizing the blog, all sorts of ideas have crossed my mind but my health this last winter made anything other than just making it through the day impossible.
      I am fine right now, I enjoy each day and try to help others when I can and accept my limitations. I have many blessings.
      Hugs to you my friend
      Carrie

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  3. Kierkegaard said it well…….we look at the past to understand ourselves but look ahead to live life.
    You said it well too.
    Onwards with our respective struggles.

    Hope you are well Carrie.
    Remember there can only be one you.
    Life is Oedipal,life is anger, life is fact and life is defeat and life is victory.

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    1. Sashi! Thank you for dropping by and commenting.
      I am well, after a winter from hell my health is improving and I was so sick this winter I have a whole new appreciation for the blessings in life and I have many!
      Hugs
      Carrie

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