I Am So Ashamed – Why Am I Missing Him

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I received a comment on the blog today from a woman who was confessing she had contacted her ex and didn’t understand why she had when she knew what the outcome would be. Why did she continue to torture herself?

In an attempt to find answers she had gone to a counselor and afterwards had suffered pangs of guilt and was fighting the need to contact her ex and his family.

Many people, including the victim do not understand the emotions the victim goes through. This is all very normal.

There is nothing “wrong” with the victim, it is all part of the healing process. I thought my reply to Alice may be of use to others, so here it is;

Please do not beat yourself up over contacting him. You learned a valuable lesson and won’t do it again. Sometimes we need a reminder of how bad it was. I slipped up a few times myself, called and then beat myself up for it, “How many times does he have to kick me in the teeth before I stop torturing myself??!!!” I finally got to the point where I was able to fight the urge to call. I still got there urge once in a while even a couple of years out but I knew it would pass and I would ask myself what I expected to happen if I did call. Even IF by some chance he was pleasant, I didn’t want him back, and it would only confuse me. I knew any contact would eventually end in me getting hurt.
I was also accountable to the people here, how could I preach no contact and call him? So if being accountable to us here on the blog helps you stay no contact, by all means be accountable to us but no one can judge you for it.
As for the counselor session making you feel guilty and like reaching out to him and his family.
For one thing talking about the relationship is going to bring back old feelings, stuff you may have even pushed out of your mind and it is going to bring on what I call a “healing crisis”.
You may feel as bad as you did when you first split or even worse, just try to be patient with yourself and ride it out.
Your brain is having to process the whole relationship from start to finish in order to finally deal with it and file it away.
While in the relationship you didn’t know what you were dealing with, now with the new knowledge you have about who and what he is your mind is reviewing events through new eyes, without the rose colored glasses. Things you though were true were lies, you will have new realizations and aha moments.
The human brain can only process so much pain so more than likely your brain didn’t acknowledge some painful experiences because it was overloaded and in survival mode. As you heal and are strong enough to handle it your mind will allow these buried memories to surface so you can deal with them.
You may think it is better to just leave them buried but they will surface at some point, maybe 10 years from now at a totally inappropriate time. You could be in a new relationship and something triggers you and bam! You can’t stop crying or you are angry for no reason. Better to deal with it now.
Just know that it will pass and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up. Don’t tell yourself you “shouldnt” be feeling that way, just feel them and release them. Cry, punch a pillow, scream…….. whatever you need to do and then go for a walk or soak in a tub.
Write a long letter to your ex expressing what you are feeling. Hand write it because your hand will get tired before you ever finish it. Then leave it for a day and reread it. I bet you will have revisions, add to it and erase some of it. Leave it again for a day and reread it again.
Do not ever send it to him but maybe give it to your counselor to discuss.
The first time I went through a healing crisis it scared the cap out of me. I thought I would never heal and had not made any progress. I felt like a big wave at the ocean had crashed down on me and was sucking me under and I panicked, thrashing around, gasping for air. And once I stopped fighting it I was able to ride the wave, breath and it would pass, taking with it a lot of my pain and leaving behind and sandy beach with little treasures (new insights, new strength, like an awakening) like the ocean does. The ocean always leaves behind new treasures when it rolls back out to sea.
These waves of healing may come as a gentle wave sometimes and at other times knock you right off your feet but they always pass and they always take garbage when they go and leave you refreshed and with new insights.
I started to look forward to them because I would feel so much better afterwards.
I hope this helps.

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6 Replies to “I Am So Ashamed – Why Am I Missing Him”

  1. I managed to never ever make contact again. After a year or four I started to look through the photo books I made of our vacations. I wanted to make a new book with photo’s of myself and leave him out. I did two books and afterwards I started dreaming of him and was thinking of some good times. I think I shall wait with the other books. But I will do them.

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    1. Ellebelle, everyone heals in their own way and time. When you are ready you will do it or you may choose to never do it.
      The important thing is that you do what you feel comfortable with and not feel pressured by anyone.
      I have a box of pictures I was digging through not long ago and came across a few pics of my ex. (I only have a few) at first it froze me because I wasn’t expecting to see them. I had dreams about him for a few nights after that but it didn’t cause any lasting distress for me.
      I woke up in the morning and carried on whereas years ago it would have ruined my day or week.
      The more time that goes by the less thoughts of him disturb me. He is just a chapter of my life not the whole book.
      I think about other exs ocassionally also because they were a part of my life.
      I don’t give any of them any more importance tHan anyone else.
      Hugs

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  2. https://polldaddy.com/js/rating/rating.jsCarrie, what a comforting response.
    The no contact thing is so hard. The things we found attractive and the beautiful memories, but all of them involving someone so toxic. The N in my life called sporadically for a couple of months after he discarded me in the most cruel and humiliating way. I picked up the phone and read the texts a couple of times, but he was so cruel. I know I was hoping that he would return to the person he pretended to be during the long ensnarement and honeymoon phase, but it never happened and even if he had been nice, it would have only been temporary. We can recover from this abuse and live again, but the N, they never EVER change. No matter how loving and charming they may appear, it is always in the background, the toxic behaviors and abuse just waiting for the right moment to begin again.
    I have just passed the 4 year mark since my discard. Things are not as I would like them to be but I no longer allow toxic people in my life. I now experience beauty and happiness around me on a regular basis. Even though I am still alone and may remain that way for life, there is no longer anyone making me question myself, abusing me, or threatening my sanity.
    Be gentle on yourself for breaking no contact. Don’t let anyone take your inventory and try to shame you for your recovery program.
    A helpful tool for me in early recovery was to catalog bullet points of the cruelty to which I had been subjected, which I put into a random slideshow on my phone. Everywhere I went, things I ate, weather, sunsets, music, it all reminded me of memories of the halcyon days. As soon as I felt that love and then missing him, I turned on the slide show in my phone of the bullet pointed evil deeds. It sure did stop the reminiscing and urge to reach out or check up on what he was doing.
    Anther realization happened at about months 6 post discard when I looked at a beautiful winter sunset, thought of him and then thought of us watching the Bergman film “Winter Light” together. The beauty and the pain were visceral. For some reason, I just accepted it and the pain seemed to go through me like a ghost instead of me fighting the pain and having it stick with me. Sounds a little weird, but it was like a spiritual gift just accepting how horrible it was and letting it float off into the universe.
    Even now, there are still bad days and I feel so much pain, but the recovery time from those episodes is so much faster and I am able to get on with my making a nice life for myself.
    True story, my wedding anniversary just passed and I was able to reflect upon a truly beautiful day. I thanked my mom and friends for the love and such a nice day. I was loving and honest and gave everything I had to the marriage. He on the other hand was the faulty one…. I must be healing, being able to look back on my life story without getting all hung up on the pain and agony the N caused, or wanting him back, he told me that love was just a good act anyway… I can see the beauty that was there, even though he was also involved in the scene. Maybe, I am doing a version of the personality disordered take on things where they just use us as props in the play of their lives. I liken myself to as important as the socks he was wearing during a production. Presently, I am trying to view him as a minor prop or perhaps a footnote.
    Sorry I went on so long, I have had to hide for the last year for reasons I can not disclose. Just wanted you all to know that I am sending you all positive vibes and love. This is not an easy recovery process and everyone finds their own healing methods. One common theme is we will never regard life in the same way ever again for better or worse, hopefully it is better.
    Carrie, thank you so much for your insight and support. Without your help, I would probably not be here to write about things getting better.

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  3. I’ve finally left for good …16 years down many kids. I have the home the kids the protective order. I feel so alone and I miss him so much. I will not reach out again I will stay strong but I feel like so much trash wadded up and thrown out

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