Recipe For A Really Good Pity Party

I love a good pity party, don’t you?

I hate to brag but I have to say, I am a bit of an expert on them. Perhaps a few of you have even been to one of them; you brought the cheese and I supplied the whine.

The problem with pity parties is; the guest list keeps shrinking, friends all of a sudden are “too busy to attend” and those who have attended a few start to roll their eyes and say things like, “OH for God’s sake! Get over it already!!!”

You start to resent your friends who just don’t understand and you may have gotten angry with people like me who suggest you do some soul searching and personal growth. Why should you have to do all the work of healing and improving; you didn’t do anything wrong! The victim’s mantra becomes, “It’s not fair!”

Why do I have to suffer, work on myself and face the ugly truth when the narcissist hippity hops into the sunset arm in arm with “his” new love of his life?

I’ll let you in on a little secret; 99% of the population don’t ask to be hurt, physically, financially or emotionally. Shocking I know! But a fact none the less.

Another truth is; No pain no gain.

Years ago I joined a gym and started weight training. I had been bulimic for years, endlessly dieting and bindging and I was looking for an alternative way to keep my weight down. I had no idea how much it was going to hurt!! I hurt in places I didn’t know could hurt. There were days brushing my hair brought tears to my eyes. Days I walked like I had a broom stick up my butt because my glutts were so sore from doing lunges and to top it all off! I GAINED WEIGHT!! because muscle weigh’s more than fat. I wanted to quit numerous times but something else I wasn’t expecting started to happen; my confidence started to grow and as my body got used to exercising the pain grew less intense and became an indication my muscles were building. I started to look forward to a little discomfort because I knew I was improving. Another amazing thing happened, instead of my scale being my crutch and best friend, I started trusting my own body and how it felt. Instead of gauging my self worth on the numbers on a scale; I drop kicked the scale out the back door and started relying on how I felt, how my clothes fit and how great my ass looked in jeans. The added bonuses to working out far surpassed any pain. Although I don’t go to the gym any more I never brought another scale into my house. With my heart condition I am supposed to weigh myself daily to monitor whether I am retaining water or not and I refused to ever have another scale in my house. I was afraid that if I started weighing myself everyday I would once again start obsessing about my weight and letting the scale determine my mood.

Where am I going with this??

I found the same sort of thing happened to me when I started to actively participate in my own healing. Don’t get me wrong; I can still throw a damn good pity party and when I do I am all in!! I can throw temper tantrums, scream and cry “It’s not fair!!” better than any 3 year old. Then I take a nap.

The theme of my pity parties are no longer the narcissist but life provides amble opportunity for self pity. After leaving the narcissist it is easy to blame all your tribulations on the N. You get sick, if your ex hadn’t been such aN asshole you would have someone there to make you chicken soup.

The car breaks down; if your ex hadn’t left with his secretary you wouldn’t have to call the tow truck yourself.

You would have a wonderful life if you hadn’t dedicated how ever long a time to the narcissist. You would have a successful career if you hadn’t moved to be with the N ……. etc etc

No one knows what would have happened if you had not met the narcissist. But, unfortunately, in life, we don’t get to yell “DO OVER!” As much as wishing you could change history makes for a great pity party, it doesn’t change anything.

I am almost 60 and you would look at my life and think there are many things I wish I could change in my past. But whenever I look at my life honestly, if I were to change anything I would have to give up something good in my life.

So in answer to your question; “Why do I have to improve myself and learn a lesson from my relationship with a narcissist when he gets off scot-free?”

Because you can.

The narcissist can’t grow a conscience, he doesn’t want to change, he can’t feel, he will never know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally. He is doomed to live a life filled with paranoia, plotting, strategizing, living a lie, always afraid of being found out.

You do have a choice though. You don’t have to do the inner work or self improvement. You don’t have to take control of your mind, your happiness, your life. You don’t have to live true to your core self, set boundaries, or be the best version of you that you can be.

There are many ways of coping with the devastation left behind by the narcissist. You can dull the pain with booze or drugs. You can find a new man and “fall in love”, you can stay bitter and dwell on what the narcissist did to you or is doing now.

My ex had one of his victims drink herself to death. After they split she made outing him her life purpose. For 15 years she obsessed about him, until she died a bitter drunk. I vowed I was NOT going to end up like her. There was no way I wanted my ex to think he had that much power over me.

Victims of narcissistic abuse credit all sorts of things for their healing, God and prayer, meditation, yoga ……… you name it, and whatever works for you is great and totally a personal choice.

As with weight training; I discovered there were bonuses to self analysis and self improvement that I had not anticipated. When I stopped looking for a bandaid solution or quick fix and started doing the hard lifting, I started to notice that the discomfort I felt upon disecting myself was well worth the inner peace I was gaining.

It seemed every time I brought up the most pain or had an “Aha” moment I would feel lighter, more at peace. Then one day I had this incredible feeling of inner peace come over me. It was a rebirth, a feeling I had never experienced before, I couldn’t help smiling, like I had a secret no one else was privy to. I have never lost that inner peace, my health may be failing,  I might not have a dome to my name, I may not like where I live but I have inner peace.

I am not the only one to experience this sense of well-being, I have heard from many survivors they also had it hit them out of the blue when they started working on being their best self.

It is what separates the victims from the survivors.

A victim gets stuck in their brokenness and being a victim becomes their identity. They take no responsibility for their happiness and pain.

A survivor takes what happened to them and uses it as a catalyst for personal growth. They own their pain and take control of their lives again.

I continue on my quest to become the best me I can be, not because I feel broken any more but because I know no one is ever completely their best self. We all are flawed, “becoming” is a life long journey and it includes learning from others, adjusting your belief system, examining your prejudices and judgements. It means living your life as a person who you are proud of.

I love Ted Talks because you can usually find a few talks on any topic you can imagine, especially self improvement.

Here is a link to a few you might want to start with.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/08/life-is-gonna-suck-but-it-needs-to-5-hard-but-helpful-truths/

 

 

 

 

 

 

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11 Replies to “Recipe For A Really Good Pity Party”

  1. Going on 7 years now since I broke up with my narc, I admit I don’t think that much about him anymore. My wounds have long since healed, and I’m much smarter about detecting questionable men than I used to. My narc wasn’t as bad as yours. He never tried to kill me and truth be told I benefited financially quite a bit from him. I got new things like a computer, hot water heater, dryer etc. He put money in my bank account, and in the end claimed “entrapment” by me. Did I force him to propose 5 different times to me, begging for my hand in marriage? I think not! It no longer matters. He’s been with his latest victim who had much more financially to offer than I did. Nice home, thriving business, money in the bank. But I’m not complaining! I’m glad things worked out as they did! I feel blessed. I was saved a lifetime of pain! No more pity parties for me if I can help it. Well, maybe there’s a couple of things I’d like to change, but in good time it will even out I’m sure. Take care!

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    1. Having a really bad week. Not sure what triggered it. This is one of the can’t even open my eyes kind. Having some nasty kind of surgery Tuesday. No one available to come to a pity party. But I really love this post. It reminded me that even though I walked out with nothing, it was his credit card that played for my 6000.00 Trane hvac a week before I was discarded. Gosh I had good timing. That was a great going away present. So here I am in pain etc but I do have heat and air.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You wrote: “I couldn’t help smiling, like I had a secret no one else was privy to. I have never lost that inner peace, my health may be failing, I might not have a dome to my name, I may not like where I live but I have inner peace.”

    I might not have a DIME to my name… but I have inner peace. YES YES YES.

    Wonderful eye-opening and transformative post. Thank you. I need that. TODAY.

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    1. Catherine, thank you for the spell check, I hate autocorrect! I did the comment on my phone. Sometimes I don’t know how anyone understands my comments there are so many mistakes.
      Glad it hit home for you!

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      1. This site has helped me tremendously and gave me focus on what is real. I still dont know what will happen but i hope you know and keep all the entries just in case.

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  3. Yes, i have never been one for pitty parties but ive become quite good at it. My narc, family and friends even laugh at my pain and tell me to suck it up. I cry alone now, just like i use too. That way you dont say stuff that’s going to be picked at later and then tell you your manipulative when you don’t understand or know why your emotionally drained. All narc tactics of course. They never stop to amaze you. I found out that he was taking videos of myself and my friends at different occasions and sharing them with his “crew”. We have been the laughing stock and also personal videos of myself. No wonder that the first time ive met one of his crew member the first thing he told me was hey ive seen all your dirty videos. When i asked my narc he said of course not those are for myself. Same with people telling me mean stuff at his work parties, usually women that he probably had sexual inter course with and made up a story to get in their pants. They love to manipulate women to get in bed with them or fight. Its so entertaining. Plus its easy to believe him, he plays the shy fat guy card that is submissive in front of everybody, so for sure not knowing what was happening to me, when he actually let me out for a couple of hours i would over do it and go nuts. I looked like the pretentious bitch. Anyways, manipulated me many times and didn’t know what was happening. I think his crew is working hard to keep all their secrets. Like lying, stealing, drugs and cheating. I remember one of the parties for sure, he told me lets go all out, it was a theme party. We went out and he said, buy watever dress you want. I was really exited and got theis gorgeous dress. He paid for the dress, i thought i was on top of the world. So we get to the party and nobody is dress like the theme he advertised. I didn’t care and tried to have fun. The hidden story behind all this is that. So he bought me the dress to make fun of me but to also show everyone that i made him pay for it. People dont know that in the back end i probably paid for that dress about 3 times. Also, the story he tells them about me being mean to him and the poor guy he is. Easy to get in women pants with his sob story and get them to be mean at the same time. Being in the house all the time and not even being able to talk or laugh or watever you like doing, you know the drill. When you get a nice dress and a night out you go nuts and maybe drink a bit more then you should. Another good point for him. So to complete the story, he is a poor guy that i am mean to and i take all his money. He needs other women to sleep with him to make him feel better and be mean to me because he cant do it himself. He is to nice of a guy. I always knew something was wrong but always believed him when he told me i was crazy and that they would never say such things because they loved me and wanted to hang out with me. I thought it was odd that they would say stuff like that and didn’t understand why they would so i believed him. I know how it sounds lolll crazy right ! He does it to everyone, women are the easiest because we are emotional and he might even get to sleep with them. So going nuts and fighting back on social media is definitely not an option because it fuels watever he said and it makes it worse for you. He probably took recordings and videos of me when i had anouf and was mad. You know you become raw and tired with no patience and you snap and say mean things. All along and in my whole life ive never ever done that. I went out with girlfriends and got drunk and never had a problem. You know all that, no need to explain or defend myself. His mom is pushing hard right now, saying stuff about my weight. Definitely a narc herself and a crazy pilled up one. He calls her averyday to tell her everything i do or do not do or forget. So what is happening is for example, you let the dog out for a pee. Your busy doing something and he tells you 10 diffents other things and tells you we got to get going. Meaning now because he hates to wait, so you get ready in a flash and then he says but what about the dog. I cant believe you would of left him outside. Yes, i cant believe that either. It’s something i wouldn’t do. Now a couple days later, his mom makes this comment. We are going there to help her do things around the house but she won’t be there. She sends ne this message, please take the dog out in the backyard and put him on his leash but DONT FORGET HIM when you leave pls.
    Right…

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  4. There is so many things i can write about. I got to say that the abuse diminishes a lot recently. I get it from outside sources now because they are all in on it with his stories. Just prime everyone and then let me out in the lion den but you dont know your going in. Its a suprise!!! You get prompted and get ask the same questions over and over and maybe answer differently sometimes because your emotionally drained, confused on what is happening because your not in on it and try to understand what is happening but your so anxious you react like a weirdo. That’s where he wants you, right there. He wins, you didn’t even know that it was a game but you lose. He loves it, not realizing what is happening for many years is the worst part. When you do you have a major meltdown because you cant believe how much of yourself you gave but nobody sees that of course. All they see is the smoke show put on by the narc. You cant believe that you were so stupid and let someone so evil use you up. That you will never get that time back. You look at yourself in the mirror and you look overweight, unhealthy and unhappy. So, you freak out and start talking and posting things. He then uses the women around him to push back because he is the poor guy. That too, you dont realize. Like you’ve been so recluted that when he presents someone to you, you talk their ears off. Never done that before. Your at your lowest, best time to show you off now. You look unstable or even crazy, you’ve put on a lot of weight, you don’t work and have dark circles around your eyes. Not very welcoming or attractive right. It seems like your always in a bad mood. You get reminded of this multiple times before an outing, during and get yelled at at the end of the night when nobody can see or ear. You get reprimanded for everything and anything, you dont know what you did wrong but you know you did really bad and he makes sure you know that you deserve to be treated that way because your the problem not him. Your a bitch, with a bitch face and a bitch attitude and everyone always ask him whats wrong with you. Do they really? I guess at ine point you do and then you believe so you become what he says you are. It might take years but moving away and isolation is the best remedy for that. So it was…

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