I want to wish everyone a heart felt Merry Christmas and a new year filled with only the best of things, top of that list being…….Peace. Peace of mind, peace in your heart, peace in your physical world and among your family and friends.
Some of you are probably miserable today fantasizing about the wonderful Christmas the N is having with the new “soul mate” or you are with your narcissist still and once again he has done something to ruin the holidays, either totally disappeared, or for certain he didn’t buy you any gifts, he started a fight and no matter how you tried to not get pulled into it with him this year he finally pushed you to the breaking point. IF….. and that is a big if! the narcissist IS “behaving” you are watching your words very carefully and walking on egg shells in hopes of not putting him in a bad mood.
The narcissist might not be your partner, it could be a sister, brother, or parent, but no one can ruin a celebration like a narcissist, they have it down to a fine art.
With family it isn’t as easy to avoid their toxicity but when it is your partner you DO have a choice, no; you are not going to leave today, but you can start a journal today and start writing in it every day for the next year. It doesn’t have to be well written, or even complete sentences, it’s for your eyes only. But it is so that next year when Christmas rolls around and you are in this exact same spot, feeling these exact same feelings, having the exact same fights and when you look back you see that you are repeating history, over and over again and nothing ever changes ……….. maybe you will finally muster up the courage to walk away.
I am with my family this Christmas and it has been fine, 12 of us in one house for 3 days, along with 6 dogs, people are going to get on each other’s nerves, tempers may flare once in a while. It happens. It is not perfect, I really don’t think “perfect” is possible when you get so many different personalities together, but I am in the moment. I am not worrying about any one or any thing, I am not watching what I say, no one is pushing my buttons and you know what? I am taking time away from the group when I feel overwhelmed with all the activity. I don’t pretend to be ok when I am not. I don’t do well with crowds and I accept that about myself and if my family doesn’t know that by now I have told them this year and they have to accept it. I don’t expect anyone to cater to me and while I am downstairs snuggling Stella I can hear them upstairs, “Where’s Carrie?” “Is Carrie napping?” “What’s Carrie doing?” and I stay quiet and recoup until I am ready to go back upstairs and join the masses.
I make no apologies for being me and taking what I need to feel centered and in balance.
Christmas doesn’t mean the same thing to me that it used to, it doesn’t hold the same expectations it used to. I suppose I could blame my ex for that, because I learned to never count on anything and since we split I have spent several Christmases all alone, but I think it is more what I have learned from life in general.
For one thing, if you need a holiday like Christmas as an excuse to get together with family you don’t have much of a relationship with your family. So many people put on the act for a couple of days at Christmas and the rest of the year never see their family. I much prefer a day alone with my son having some one on one time than trying to get a word in edge wise when he has been drinking, people are interrupting, gifts are being opened in every direction and no one is even taking the time to really appreciate the gifts or the meaning behind them. Gifts bought out of desperation because the gift giver knew they HAD to buy something. I hate it!
I couldn’t care less what I get for gifts and I usually give something I made for the person.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas!! I just don’t like all the pressure we put on ourselves and others because of the commercialism and hype we are fed our whole lives. Christmas is not romantic for most people, Christmas is not a happy time for most people, most people do not get the perfect present wrapped with the perfect bow. Sure it would be nice to ride off in a horse drawn sleigh with the man I love beside me under a big fluffy blanket while snow gently falls and the stars twinkle in the sky. But that doesn’t happen usually unless you are involved with a narcissist who is love bombing you.
Christmas is one day out of 364 days in the year. I hope it is an ok day for all of you but my heartfelt wish for everyone is that they find/create/insist upon nothing less than being treated with respect, kindness, honesty, and fairness every single day of the year. No matter how bleak life may seem right now, it will pass, life will get better. While with the narcissist, nothing ever changed, you rode the same roller coaster, up and down, over and over again. Give life a chance. yes the unknown is scary but it can’t be worse than being with the narcissist.
Learn to appreciate what you have, I know what it feels like to think you have nothing, the narcissist took it all but there is always more to lose, don’t let him take your future also. Don’t let him waste any more of your time.
Last year this time I didn’t think I would live long enough to see this Christmas and it was the worse 6 months of my life, I was so sick, in so much pain, so depressed, I just wanted to die, life was not worth living. The print out from my defibrillator showed 84 episodes in 5 months plus 1 major heart attack. They say I need a heart transplant but I am not agreeing. I am living my life the best I can with the days I have left. No time for regrets, no time for wishing things were different, I am grasping every opportunity I have to enjoy family and friends because tomorrow might not come, next Christmas might not come.
Wishing you many cherished memories this Christmas and in 2018.
Here is a link to another post from 2014 on why the narcissist is like Santa Claus Santa, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy
Hugs and love to you all!!