The Blog-Where It’s Going and Where The Hell I’ve Been

I started the blog in 2011 and it’s been my baby ever since. I don’t do things half assed and would absolutely panic if I couldn’t monitor the blog and reply to comments even for one day.

Now I don’t even remember the last time I was here and I feel awful about it and want to bring everyone up to date.

I am hesitant to post about it because I know my ex reads the blog and I know he would get great pleasure from hearing I am not doing well. But to hell with him, I really don’t care what he thinks.

New people to the blog probably don’t know about my health issues and well, even my Facebook friends don’t know the full story.

I had my first heart attack in 2011. I felt great afterwards, went straight back to work and didn’t take my meds or follow any doctor’s orders. I had a business to run, bills to pay, a life to put back together. When I left my ex I left with $5, my dog and my truck. That was it.

I ended up living in a holiday trailer with no running water, no sewer and an extension cord for power. The dogs water dish froze inside the trailer and I slept with my parka and boots on. I didn’t have the facilities to cook proper meals and ate fast food and precooked meals, all high in sodium.

My ex had sabotaged my truck to the point I broke myself trying to fix it. I got a job offer and jumped on it. A couple of months after getting the job I went into heart failure. My ex was making anonymous calls to my boss trying to get me fired and the strata where I lived trying to get me evicted. That was 2013.

This time I was told in no uncertain terms to quit work, take my meds and eat properly etc. I had no choice. By the time I had driven myself to the emergency ward I was so far into heart failure I would have been dead in 24 hours, my lungs were filling with fluid and I was literally drowning.

I had worked long enough to qualify for sick benefits for 4-5 months and then got an office job. I got enough time in there to qualify for unemployment benefits when that company went bankrupt. I had put the last of my retirement funds into purchasing a small cabin and lost that when I could no longer work and was denied disability benefits.

From there I lived in my car for awhile, bought a trailer cheap and fixed it up (had another heart attack while fixing that up) and couldn’t even afford the cost of a campsite for the trailer. Back into my car I went.

In 2016 the cardiologist told me I had to get a pacemaker defibrillator implant and he quadrupled my heart med (carvidelol) . The pacemaker was supposed to take 45 minutes to implant. Four hours later and 3 heart surgeons attempts they could not get the pacemaker wire hooked up and had cut one of my ventricles. I was sent home to heal and they would try again.

That was last winter and I was in horrible pain and was horribly sick for over 6 months. No doctor seemed to take me seriously and I just wanted to die.

I have always told the doctors that my quality of life is more important to me than quantity of life.

Struggling to get by on $610 a month welfare, in excruciating pain that was only bareable if I was laying flat on my stomach.

I went to 5 chiropractors trying to find relief for the pain in my ribs and ended up taking pain med that were bad for my heart and they didn’t even work.

I started to research carvidelol on my own and discovered it can be a miracle drug for some and a death sentence for others. If not properly monitored it can actually damage the heart and cause heart failure.

They tried to hook up the pacemaker again and AGAIN it took 3 cardiologists 4 hours and they still didn’t get it hooked up.

I complained to the doctors at VGH where they did the procedure about my pain and horrible side effects and all they said was it couldn’t possibly be due to anything they had done. Yet I had come out of the anesthetic while they were still working on me and the doctor was pushing on my chest so hard and I was in such pain I tried to climb off the table. They gave me another shot and I was out but now knew how rough they treated me.

They said they wouldn’t try to hook up the wire that way again, there was another, more invasive way they would try next time. One where they go through my ribcage and recovery is 4 times longer.

I told them no one was touching me ever again! ! Any mention of another attempt to hook up that wire literally gives me an anxiety attack.

I finally found a chiropractor (thank God!!) Who was able to get rid of pain. It turns out I have an extra rib and in their attempts to hook up the wire they had moved one of my ribs and irritated an old whiplash injury.

Although I was out of pain I still had terrible side effects and decided to cut back on my carvidilol myself. So what of it was “saving my life” it was a life not worth living.

I had to go to VGH to have the defibrillator checked and mentioned to the technician how horrible I had been feeling and the angel went and got the head of the UBC Heart Function Clinic to come talk to me. It was the first time I felt listened to and he spoke with my mom and I for an hour. I left with the first hope I had felt in over a year.

Long story short; the UBC Heart Function took on my case, changed my meds and I was feeling pretty good. I tried working and collapsed on night last summer while letting Stella out for a pee. Well actually she had woken me up and I assumed she had to pee but in retrospect I think she sensed something was wrong. My defibrillator shocked me and brought me back.

I lost my drivers license for 6 months because of it. UBC read my defibrillator printout and I had 84 “episodes”, 4 shocks, and 1 major heart attack in 6 months.

I am positive that being on the wrong meds and being in such horrible pain for so long has damaged my heart.

My meds were adjusted and I was hopeful. Tried to keep myself positive.

I found a cheap place to live and been here a year but it is just a basement; no kitchen, no real privacy. The owner snoops whenever I go out, and has made a play for me. He’s 20 years my senior!

I have a hot plate to cook on and a bar size fridge, no kitchen sink, a mattress on the floor and it is located in a really hilly area but they allow Stella and the rent is doable. I can’t walk Stella because of the hills and can’t cook proper meals or buy cheap food in quantities because I don’t have a proper fridge.

I have just applied for disability for the 4th time.

I have a partial plate and just before Christmas a tooth in the front broke off. The dentist said I need to have all my teeth extracted and my gums are all infected. Welfare only pays a portion and I can’t afford to pay the difference. Welfare doesn’t care that it is a strain on my heart to fight the infection.

I got the flu on Dec 27th, 2017 which turned into pneumonia and I was flat out on the couch the whole month of January.

The first week of February I went for a checkup at UBC Heart Function Clinic and was told that they have done all they can for me, my only option is a heart transplant. I refuse a heart transplant because I see no point in prolonging a life not worth living. I really don’t want to sound negative and some people want to live no matter what. But living on welfare, always struggling, always broke, not able to eat properly, rotten teeth, living in substandard conditions; is not a life worth prolonging in my mind.

I am hopeful my application for disability will be approved this time. My heart is functioning at below 20%, according to the Nurse Practitioner, “which is barely enough to keep your organs functioning, how much blood and oxygen do they think is getting to your brain in order for you to hold down a job?”

The Heart clinic is transferring my records close to home because they have done all they can.

So…… that is what I have been doing lately. I had to take time to digest the fact that I am not going to be around much longer. I around not afraid of dying and don’t really have any regrets. I have led a pretty great life over all. I have a fantastic son and grand daughter but it is hard to really accept the facts.

I have made arrangements for Stella because she will be lost without me and I really worry about her. My son is grown but I know he’ll miss his momma.

I turn 60 in April and I just feel it’s all gone by too fast! Realistically I know that no one has any guarantees about how long they will live.

I must admit though that I have spent a lot of time staring into space, awake at night, thinking. As much as I tell myself I need to visit the blog, or wash dishes, or get dressed I can waste a day watching mindless TV or on Facebook.

The only way I can describe how I feel is this;

After 10 years with my ex and 8 years trying to recover (5 of which he stalked me and tried everything he could think of to destroy me). Eight years of doctors not listening to me, welfare not listening, always struggling I feel like I am floating in a huge ocean. The ship has gone down, I am alone and panic but tell myself “You can do this. Hang in there. Someone will come along to rescue you.” So I manage to tread water for awhile. A piece of wood floats by so I hang onto it for awhile and don’t have to swim so hard. But eventually it breaks apart and I am treading water again. I see a ship in the distance but it never comes. I get more and more discouraged and hopeless.

I am tired, but I don’t want to spend what time I have left, just treading water. I am going to make some changes to the format of the blog and start to write my book. More on that to come.

Please keep me and Stella in your prayers and if you can see clear to make a donation I would truly appreciate any help I can get towards my dental work.

Talk to you all soon.

Love and hugs πŸ’žβ€πŸ’•

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22 Replies to “The Blog-Where It’s Going and Where The Hell I’ve Been”

  1. Carrie, I am so sorry to hear that things are so rough for you, sending prayers your way, and wishing you the best. Give your sweet dog a hug from me.

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  2. God bless you! I’ve always heard we have to go through the valleys to get to the mountains. I’m beginning to believe that you have actually been to Hell and back. There is a reason you are still here.
    If for no other reason than to tell your story and help others. I pray it’s much more than that. My first husband stalked me and daughter. It took me 10 years to get rid of him after I divorced him. We were married 1 1/2 years. I never had high blood pressure until he used to call me at work aggravating me all time. My second husband is worse. I wrote about him somewhere on your blog probably a few months ago. I’m reading more and more about narcissist and I’m convinced that he and the other two family members that I walked away from are narcissist. and I’m doing much better today I’m finally getting sleep thanks to a wonderful Dr

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry for your struggles. I have been following you since 2012. I have learned what I thought I felt for my β€œman” was not love at all. I was addicted to him, I was a people pleaser and he was looking for new supply. I was vulnerable and he took advantage. The mean/sweet behavior works for the narcissist. They also cheat, steal, and lie without remorse and have no empathy. To share with others- The Human Magnet Syndrome, a book. A good explanation!! It has been 21 years, he died 2 weeks ago!! I was discarded five years ago. I also went to the hospital with chest pain, mostly due to the stress of emotional/verbal abuse. I have learned and recovered! Praying for your recovery and peace!!

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  4. I was with an N for 6 years. During that time my health deteriorated very badly. Spinal stenosis, stroke , seizures, colon troubles. I’m not sure whether the health issues are related to the relationship. Good luck and best wishes to you and your’s Carrie. Regards , Andrew.

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  5. so sorry, Carrie. I wish you could come and stay with me awhile at Lake Tahoe. I rent to students (from other countries) and have a break between groups mid-March to the end of May. Not sure how Stella would do with cats.
    I’d love to collaborate on a book with you. Between us, we have much to say–we also possess the gift of good writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh dear…. Someone can do cruel things to us and we keep taking it. Then we lash out and it backfires. I have just lashed out and done myself a horrible disservice. John lashes out and it keep quiet. I get hurt when I stand up for myself. Feeling like shit. I am so sorry you also are in a bad position. N.

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  7. I can hardly believe a life could be so hard and in one of the richest, if not richest countries in the world one of its people should be stuck on the margins of liveability in the way you have. My heart truly goes out to you and if anyone deserves some sunshine in their life it is you. The warmest of hugs to you, may you stay safe and discover some happiness. You deserve it!!

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    1. Peter my friend since almost the beginning, always with words of encouragement. You are a dear man!
      You would think life would have gotten easier by now! And it has in many ways.
      Thank you so much for your unwavering support!
      Hugs ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  8. GodBless you. Thank you for sharing so selflessly during your very serious struggle. Just know that you have helped others to reflect on the similar situations they endure and most importantly you have started a flame in each of us who have suffered the chains of a narcissistic relationship. This brings strength to create change. You are a gifted woman. Thank you

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  9. My heart broke in two when I read this. It is so sad, well beyond sad actually, how humans are so separated from each other by so many different means that it’s so difficult to come together. Like for example, someone offering you a place to stay who lives in the US is not that easy. Not only is travel probably very difficult for you at this point, but also being Canadian, you can’t just go live in the states without applying for this that and the other thing.

    I also felt angry as I read it too. The doctors. I have had much less harm done to me by them and I cannot stand them (for the most part). Most are all about the money and of course they care more about their own asses than your well being and so they’ll swear they did no harm. And know full well that the surgery you had done should not have taken so long, should not have caused so much pain and that they fucked up. They were obviously hacks.

    And then there’s family. It poses the question: Where is your family? Not asking for an answer, it is more like, a wtf kind of thing and across the board for others as well as yourself.

    I understand your mother was there when this one doctor finally gave a shit enough to talk to you, but you should not be living on your own. Yes, you should have had disability long ago, that whole fiasco was such bullshit. But the thing is once upon a time humans had families that would step in and help, protect and take us in when shit hit the fan. Now it’s, “Well you’re on your own” or “well, you dug your own hole so you’ll have to climb out,” or “you made your bed now you gotta sleep in it.”

    Or they are so abusive and self centered that they are unbearable to live with so it’s a less stressful thing to go live in a place with no heat, no stove, etc.

    Let’s not mention that they were there with the fucking shovels helping us dig that hole. Thrown to the sharks long ago by them.

    I’ve been reading you since 2013 (?) I think. I remember being in the midst of the shark tank with my family. Caring for my dying father while my scapegoaters became meaner and more abusive, making it more apparent what had been going on all along just under my radar.

    A year before that I had suffered a severe emotional trauma and had not recovered from that yet when the family shit hit the fan.

    It was at my father’s place when I found wordpress blogs and people writing about things I’d gone through. Originally I had written and commented as Safire Falcon. The three main bloggers I read were Kelli’s, yours and Paula’s.

    So I feel like I’ve gotten to know you and have wanted in the past, as I do now reading this post, to be that rescue for you but knowing I’m not even close to capable of that. I can barely function myself. But then if there were some avenue for those of us who have been through hell, to help each other, then situations like yours could have a happier ending. I feel so sad about how your situation unfolded and how your needs have fallen through all the cracks.

    At this point, I don’t even know how to wrap this up. I just wanted you to know I’m here and thinking of you and my emotions ended up all over this comment.
    Hugs.

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    1. Sleeping Tiger, thank you….for your total understanding but I know we have often clicked like that throughout the years.
      My son is very supportive emotionally and very loving. He helps me financially when he can but he is 34, just started a business that is doing well but he pays pretty heavy duty child support (his choice), and is still digging himself out of some poor choices he made a few years back. He doesn’t live very close, he’s on Vancouver Island which requires taking a ferry and then I live an hour and 1/2 from the ferry terminal. He doesn’t have his driver license until Sept (those bad choices always bite you in the ass) so he has to take a bus every where and transit doesn’t come as far out as I am. His daughter lives about 5 hours car drive from me in the interior of BC. By bus it is a much longer trip. He tried to move where his daughter is but there just isn’t work there for him. But with his new business he has more freedom like on the 19th it is daddy day at my grand daughters dance class and he will ride the bus to be there. In my mind that is where he needs to be. He is very supportive of the baby momma and tries to really be a “family” for his daughter.
      My brother is also on the island and the whole family went for Xmas which means we were all together for 5 days. I have to eat low sodium and he does all the cooking and flatly refused to even try to accommodate my diet. He is also a very volatile person and I, like the rest of the family have always excused it with “that’s just the way he is”. I don’t any more. For example; there were 5 dogs there at Xmas. I slept on the couch so the dogs were with me. When one of them needed to go pee, guess who they came to? I would let them out at 5 am (he was bitching because his dogs have been shitting in the basement. I don’t want Stella thinking that’s ok) anyway I let the dogs out and my brother comes stomping down the hall, “You fucking idiot! Why are you letting the dogs out??!!” I tried to answer and he just called me a fucking idiot again so I told him I don’t fucking need his crap. I was stuck there but I won’t go back. I will stay home alone next Xmas if I have to.
      My son will be moving back to the mainland this summer. My stepdaughter died last October and my mother has a hate on for my stepdads kids and I caught her in a lie. I exposed her lie. My brother and mom were furious I was disloyal. My step brother is living with my best friend. Her and I have been friends for 30 yrs, I introduced her and my step brother. It wasn’t like I would never see her again. To not tell the truth would mean I would have to lie in order to hide my mother’s lie. It got really ugly. I was fine with it because my son and I were good. I had inner peace because I just told the truth and tried to convince mom to just be honest. Her lies just got more and more exaggerated.
      I got a call from my brother calling me a fucking idiot.
      I only went for Xmas because my son had his daughter for Xmas and he really wanted me there.
      My mother has ripped the rug out from under my feet numerous times in my life so I am cautious with my family.
      As far as the doctors go. The surgery was done by a group of top surgeons with the University of BC Heart Clinic, so some of the best in Canada. When you are dealing with “the best” you ate also dealing with some really big egos. They don’t want to admit defeat. They will just keep trying and if that doesn’t work try something else and the patient be damned. They don’t care if you can’t afford to drive the hour and 1/2 each way down to the hospital and pay $20 in parking every time they want to check your blood pressure. They don’t even know where Chilliwack is. They took my drivers license away and then told me I had to get down there for all these appts. I said I couldn’t get down there. He said to take a taxi. That would cost like at least a couple hundred bucks.
      Welfare what can I say? It’s government! !
      I did get some donations that have been a HUGE help and I was able to buy dog food and some groceries AND insure my car for a month. And all the lovely comments here do so much for my moral. Just to know people care. It gets pretty lonely and it’s hard to keep yourself positive when you are stuck at home all day with your thoughts.
      Once it gets warmer my mental state will get more optimistic.
      Thanks for being here. Since 2013! Wow!
      Big hugs to you my friend!!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Dear Carrie

    I am so sorry to hear about the terrible time you are going through with your health and life in general. It seems to be too much trauma for just one person to go through in a lifetime. And then not to have the love and support of family. My heart goes out to you. So many people out there lonely and lost and one feels so helpless. I am praying for your health to improve and for your circumstances to change for the better. Prayer and faith are the only things that have helped me through life’s difficulties. The Good Lord has never left me nor forsaken me and always been there for me. I will keep you in my prayers.
    I only discovered your blog in November 2017 when I was searching for answers. Long story, regarding my situation, I would like your opinion. Will write again. Keep your spirits up, believe and God bless.

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