When The Victim Of A Narcissist Is Strong

Carrie Reimer
Carrie Reimer, 10 year common law relationship with a narc/psychopath

There is a common falacy that narcissists are attracted to “co-dependent” weak woman. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Narcissists are not attracted to any “type”. They assess everyone, male or female; for what they can offer the narcissist. It could be as simple as a quick hookup if the narcissist is bored or it could be a family if that is what he needs to get ahead in business.

But!, it is especially delicious narcissistic supply if the narc can hook an intelligent, self sufficient, independent woman. If she is also beautiful!? OMG! Do you have any idea how much of an ego boost it is for him to destroy a woman like that? ?

First of all, to hook her. Everyone will assume he must be a great guy, something really special to get a woman like her!! A woman who attracts the attention of men where ever she goes. A woman who chooses men carefully and doesnt need a man. At first he will be telling everyone how special she is and how lucky he is to have found her. In the beginning he is getting all the supply he needs just through his association with a high quality woman. He will exaggerate her talents and achievements and will tell her constantly how special she is. He has never met a woman as together as her. She might even feel a bit uneasy with his apparent idolization of her. Yeah, she’s good but come on, she’s only human.

But it feels good to be thought so highly of especially compared to every other woman he has ever met. And he treats her so well. She makes a conscious decision to let her guard down, let a man “do for her” for a change.

And he closes the web around her tighter and tighter and before she knows it she is in too deep to easily escape. And then the slow devaluation begins, the constant whittling away at her self confidence , the gas lighting, twisting facts, questioning her sanity, her capability to function when she has always been verociously independent.

I was in my early 40′s when I met the narcissist. I had always been a strong woman with strong opinions, high morals, firm boundaries. I had been told by men I was intimidating, too independent, that they felt I didn’t need them.

I didn’t need them. But it does get tiring always packing the load. And here I had this man who loved me exactly the way I was, who I had a connection like I had never had before, my soul mate. I wasn’t going to lose this man. I had earned this wonderful love. I trusted his love and him explicitly. I allowed myself to be “weak” handed over my power, little by little. He seemed to want to take care of me, I thought he would appreciate me trusting him but he was disgusted with it.

The more I forgave the more disgusted he got and the more he hurt me. Every time I forgave him and took him back he thought, “you stupid bitch. You deserve to be hurt for being so gullible and stupid.”

The only time he was loving was when I got strong and threatened to leave. He would beg me for another chance, admit to everything he had done wrong, promise the world. Once he had me again the abuse would be worse.

The thing with strong women is they tend to hang in longer. They have always been capable of recouping, making things happen, fixing things, they aren’t quiters. They will keep rising to the challenge and he will keep knocking her down.

By the time he dumps her she is a shell of the woman she was. No one recognizes her any more, she is ashamed and everyone she knows is ashamed of her and confused. How could she let a man do this to her?

She is acting co-dependent, needy, weak.

He walks away with a sneer and sick grin. “Look at you! What man would want a whiny, demanding, clingy, paranoid bitch like you??”

22 thoughts on “When The Victim Of A Narcissist Is Strong

  1. Patricia

    This was definitely the life I lived for 22 yes in marriage. I had a good life,worked 2 jobs raising my youngest son since 94 when he was born. We got married in 98. We dated for 5 yrs right after graduating high school together. We were good friend and had some ups and downs during the dating years but once married things changed. He became physically and mentally abusive. I had gotten him arrested in 2014 for banging my head for the very last time, slapping me 3 times and breaking blood vessels in my right eye. All 30 of his guns were taken away for 3 months and given back soon after even after going to court. He is now remarried to a dental hygienist who adopted 2 black children being the most racist man I could ever know and me being disabled for 21 of those years with MS he is still trying to maky life miserable with text about our children who he will not let me see though in the divorce papers it says I can. I moved on so why can’t he? I just want a peaceful life soon becoming 43. Why can’t he let go when he has someone new?


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Patricia, first of all I removed your last name just so no one will find your comments if they Google your name, for your own safety.
      Now, why won’t he move on? because he is still getting some payoff for contacting you and messing with your head. I am a little confused. How old are your children? He has custody? If you are allowed to see them, why aren’t you?
      I can give you a more indepth answer to your question if I have some more information.


      1. Patricia

        Hello, thank you for removing my last name.my oldest child is 23.my two youngest are 15 and 13. I am disabled for 21 yrs with MS. He will not move on from me because he likes to keep trying to control me with threats that are full of lies such as his latest reporting me saying I committed government fraud that I did not such thing of with my disability. As far as my two youngest go he kept telling me they hate me and want nothing to do with me when in fact my youngest son wanted to see me on his 13th birthday and as far as my daughter goes at 15 she said he keeps telling her to stay as far away from me as she can. He is controlling them and putting stuff in their heads. After I had him arrested for physically abusing me he got a lot worse and told me we can do things his way or the hard way then pushed me down on the floor yelling at me to get up when I couldn’t. When I was able to pull myself up finally he drug me to the door and threw me outside in the rain and my keys the opposite direction knowing I wouldn’t be able to go find them because of my legs. My son went to look for them and I finally got into my vehicle to barely get to my MS house where I lived for 9 mths. When I moved there he would come harrass me at her house also where the police were called again. The woman he is married to now is the one who contacted me about my son wanting to see me and not to long after he threatened me again saying he’ll do whatever it takes to keep our children from me no matter what the divorce papers say. I went to the lawyer and showed him my rights to be with them and my daughter’s text. He was of no help and wouldn’t take on my case although my ex still threatens me being remarried. He told me he had people following me to make sure I was home which is none of his business. The reason he gets out of most things is because his father worked for the police. All he had to do was mention his father’s name when he went almost 100mph in his Iroc Z Camaro and he got off with a warning. The cops that arrested him when I called knew nothing of his dad so he didn’t get out of it that time and they have the pictures of what he did to me on file. I don’t know if his wife knows of his threats to me or not but I don’t think she’d believe me if I told her. That’s why I’m always wondering when it’s going to stop. I don’t know if I said it differently but it’s the best I could. I did nothing wrong to him but slack on things becoming disabled not pleasing him with things I can no longer do like I once did.


  2. Dia

    This is exactly what I went through. He used to abuse me verbally and physically and constantly told me that I’m a sick person who pretends to be someone she’s not. I forgave him for god knows how many times.
    After my final break up, he wrote shits about me on his social media accounts. He went on telling people that I used him for my own pleasire and then left him because I needed another man to do the same.
    After few days, suddenly he’s rage changed into pain. He’s bothering me. He wants me back in his life. He’s constantly begging and trying all possible ways to let me know that he’s in pain. I’m so tired of this. I so want this to stop but I see no end to it. I don’t know when he’ll stop.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Sorry for my slow response. The only way you can make it stop is to go completely no contact. That means blocking him on all social media, cutting out any mutual friends and not answering his calls or texts.
      He will use any means he can to get messages to you, friends telling you what he is doing, who he’s dating etc. He will post things on the net he knows will get to you.
      Begging, crying, getting angry, any response from you at all feeds his ego. If he can get a response he knows he is getting to you. You will never get rid of him as long as you have any contact. They will come back 15 years later! Just to see if they can suck the victim in again.
      No contact is the only answer!
      Good luck


      1. Dia

        Thank you so much for your advice, Carrie. This is exactly what I’m doing. I stopped responding to him. And you’re right about everything. He actually does those things you mentioned.
        I hope I get rid of him soon!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. tawnilea88

    I have known my guy 10 yrs and have loved him most of those years. We got into a huge fight last march and I blocked him completely. Then in Oct of last yr I got in contact with him again and in Nov he told me he had always loved me. I left my then husband for him (marriage was ending anyway he just gave me the push) We have done this dance of stonewalling every time I stand my ground or hold him accountable ( I am a very strong woman except he is my weakness) I have been love bombed so much so that I had a severe emotional attachment to him. I developed anxiety and depression but mostly anxiety. Right now month 6 he has decided he wants space from me and has left our relationship open ended. “If you would just listen to me” regarding his need for silence, in other words, my need for communication doesn’t matter. We live 45 mins from each other. I do all the driving, I go when he says go, I reply instantly to his text messages. Any attention from him negative or not is craved. Right now he is gaslighting me. I did 3 days of constant begging for him to reply to my texts and then this morning I woke up and decided I am not going to contact him. I don’t know if he is a narc or not but he definitely shares character traits and I know I have gone from high self worth to questioning how I am not good enough, why doesn’t he want me? I have questioned my sanity because every time i show emotion to some bullshit he is doing I am met with “I will not be with a crazy girl” but really my reactions to his treatment of me is not crazy..it’s normal but he doesn’t like when I call him on it. When he broke it off with me Sat I said ok I need to start the process of letting you go…he did not like that and roped me back with giving the implication that if I just listen to him about the space no matter how long it lasts for we may try again. He will say things like “now you can go marry another guy” or “you will have a new guy in a month, I am sure” just to hear me say I don’t want anyone but him. It is a process and I am not going to lie and say I don’t want him to contact me, because I do. I love him even though I see his love for me is likely false. I wont end the friendship at all even if it’s what is best for me. Right now the best I can do is not contact him. Intense experience for sure and writing about it helps a lot. Also learning so much about narcissism. His mom is a shrink and I sometimes wonder if she doesn’t see it too. All she tells him is he is moody with bipolar tendencies. A process indeed.



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