When The Victim Of A Narcissist Is Strong

Carrie Reimer
Carrie Reimer, 10 year common law relationship with a narc/psychopath

There is a common falacy that narcissists are attracted to “co-dependent” weak woman. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Narcissists are not attracted to any “type”. They assess everyone, male or female; for what they can offer the narcissist. It could be as simple as a quick hookup if the narcissist is bored or it could be a family if that is what he needs to get ahead in business.

But!, it is especially delicious narcissistic supply if the narc can hook an intelligent, self sufficient, independent woman. If she is also beautiful!? OMG! Do you have any idea how much of an ego boost it is for him to destroy a woman like that? ?

First of all, to hook her. Everyone will assume he must be a great guy, something really special to get a woman like her!! A woman who attracts the attention of men where ever she goes. A woman who chooses men carefully and doesnt need a man. At first he will be telling everyone how special she is and how lucky he is to have found her. In the beginning he is getting all the supply he needs just through his association with a high quality woman. He will exaggerate her talents and achievements and will tell her constantly how special she is. He has never met a woman as together as her. She might even feel a bit uneasy with his apparent idolization of her. Yeah, she’s good but come on, she’s only human.

But it feels good to be thought so highly of especially compared to every other woman he has ever met. And he treats her so well. She makes a conscious decision to let her guard down, let a man “do for her” for a change.

And he closes the web around her tighter and tighter and before she knows it she is in too deep to easily escape. And then the slow devaluation begins, the constant whittling away at her self confidence , the gas lighting, twisting facts, questioning her sanity, her capability to function when she has always been verociously independent.

I was in my early 40′s when I met the narcissist. I had always been a strong woman with strong opinions, high morals, firm boundaries. I had been told by men I was intimidating, too independent, that they felt I didn’t need them.

I didn’t need them. But it does get tiring always packing the load. And here I had this man who loved me exactly the way I was, who I had a connection like I had never had before, my soul mate. I wasn’t going to lose this man. I had earned this wonderful love. I trusted his love and him explicitly. I allowed myself to be “weak” handed over my power, little by little. He seemed to want to take care of me, I thought he would appreciate me trusting him but he was disgusted with it.

The more I forgave the more disgusted he got and the more he hurt me. Every time I forgave him and took him back he thought, “you stupid bitch. You deserve to be hurt for being so gullible and stupid.”

The only time he was loving was when I got strong and threatened to leave. He would beg me for another chance, admit to everything he had done wrong, promise the world. Once he had me again the abuse would be worse.

The thing with strong women is they tend to hang in longer. They have always been capable of recouping, making things happen, fixing things, they aren’t quiters. They will keep rising to the challenge and he will keep knocking her down.

By the time he dumps her she is a shell of the woman she was. No one recognizes her any more, she is ashamed and everyone she knows is ashamed of her and confused. How could she let a man do this to her?

She is acting co-dependent, needy, weak.

He walks away with a sneer and sick grin. “Look at you! What man would want a whiny, demanding, clingy, paranoid bitch like you??”

22 thoughts on “When The Victim Of A Narcissist Is Strong

  1. Searching for hope...

    This resonated so much. After asswipe assaulted me, he manipulated me after having pressed charges to talking to the DA to have the no contact portion of his plea agreement removed. After his hearing was over and he got what he wanted, he told me I needed to get a life and find something to occupy myself with other than him. The cold hearted bastard had slammed my head so hard he caused a concussion, one I am still dealing with. I have never come across evil like him before. He still frightens me.

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  2. Searching for hope...

    Reblogged this on SURVIVING THE UNHINGED & CLAN and commented:
    This resonated so much. After asswipe assaulted me, he manipulated me after having pressed charges to talking to the DA to have the no contact portion of his plea agreement removed. After his hearing was over and he got what he wanted, he told me I needed to get a life and find something to occupy myself with other than him. The cold hearted bastard had slammed my head so hard he caused a concussion, one I am still dealing with. I have never come across evil like him before. He still frightens me.

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  3. Bernadette

    I am currently visiting my mother on the east coast. About 14 months ago I sat on this same couch reading this same blog that had helped me leave my narc. This blog was exactly me. A once strong independent woman taken over and belittled to the point of an empty shell as mentioned. I am happy to report that I am ME again and even stronger than before. I moved myself straight back to the west coast after walking out on him, yes I left him! and built myself up! My current goals are to receive my doctorate in mathematics and travel the world scuba diving. I am still single and happy. I have no more anxiety… ever. I watch his circus on the sidelines from people who tell me his stories. He is still blocked On all social media. I am more cautious now. Stay strong beautiful friends. There is light at the end of the long dark tunnel.

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  4. Elizabeth

    I will be sending a copy of this article to everyone I know who wonders what happened to me, and “what is this narcissistic abuse she talks about?”

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  5. Only Me

    You always impress me with your strength and ability to tell it like it and was. I will always be your number #1 fan. Love OM

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  6. Only Me

    I’m no expert, and there’s certainly people who would disagree with me with good reason…but I was so mad after the break up and once I started to figure him out, I put the word out on him every place I could on every cheater site as a narcissist. I had him scared, and on the run! I would have separated him from his man business permanently if I could! He did not want to mess with me and went into hiding. It did help me heal as I felt I was doing something proactive. Everyone is different however, and looking back, I probably could have handled things better. Best of luck to everyone out there still struggling!

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  7. Blaspie

    I agree with everything here, I do however think it should be mentioned that men can also be victims. I was strong, smart, witty, optimistic, had a promising writing career. Things were going well for me. Then, I end up in a thing with this monster that took everything away from me in 5 years time. SO many of my friends have said I’m no longer who I used to be(although I feel im getting better). The narc had me tot he point where I was afraid to make ANY decision without him, even if it had nothing to do with him. Now, he’s made it a mission to make me look insane to everyone. Guess it’s fair since I did go out and expose him to my friends for the abuser he is.

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  8. Kelly Hendrickson

    This blog is spot on. I’m currently going through the aftermath of a narcissist. We were together almost 2 years, moving in together almost immediately. I didn’t see the warning signs. He broke up with me last month and since then, so many things have come to light. All the other women he’d been with while with me and his plan to leave me but not before he convinced me to trade my old SUV in to get him a Jeep. I’m now working with a lawyer to figure out how to go about getting the Jeep back or having him buy it in full from me. It’s in my name. I was ashamed at first when things fell apart, but knowing that I’m not the only one to have gone through this evil, I am feeling stronger. Thank you so much.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Kelly, good for you getting legal advice! You are far from alone, you are in very good company, believe me!!
      Be forwarned though, they are known to come back, full of apologies, saying exactly what you longed to hear in order to get you back. If you go back the abuse is even worse.
      Good luck. Glad my blog was helpful. Come back any time. Knowledge is power when dealing with these soul vampires.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  9. Perpetual Helix

    This is Amazing it is just like reading my past all over again. So well written. Could I post this on My facebook page? I am trying to help women to understand they don’t need to be abused

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