Ten Rules For Doing No Contact

no cell

It seems many people, women in particular; think going no contact is some sort of dating strategy/game. In actual fact it is a safety measure, the only way you will ever heal and should be done for YOU, not to teach him a lesson and prolong the relationship.

So many times I get asked, “I have initiated no contact, what will the narcissist do now?” “I am doing no contact with my N, and now he has blocked me on Facebook, what does that mean?” It means you are not doing no contact right because if you were you would not even know he has blocked you. 

I know it is terribly hard to not know what the narcissist is doing, you have spent the whole relationship trying to figure out what he was up to, tried to solve the puzzle but you have to give up the addiction. You CAN do this and once you do it, you will be surprised how quickly you start to feel better and start to fear and avoid any chance of running into him because you know it is never a good thing for you when you do.

The rules of no contact are as follows:

1.Block him on every single social media site, Facebook, Instagram he or you are on

2. Block his emails on all your email accounts

3. Block his text messages and calls – I had to change my phone number and lost customers for my business because of it; some people are just not willing to do that. BUT you no longer have that excuse because there are free apps out there all you have to do is Google “Blocking someone from texting or calling” and then look for instructions for your type of phone. There are you tube videos for iphone and Android. With my Samsung Galaxy you go into Messages, click on Settings, scroll to the bottom and click on Spam, from there you turn on Spam settings and you can then add numbers, names, or phrases you want to block. Easy Peasy.

4. Tell all your friends you don’t want to hear what he is doing, unless they think your life is in danger they should keep it to themselves if they see him with another woman etc. You may think you want to know what he is doing but trust me, you don’t really. It is only going to hurt and keep him in your mind and heart. There is no way knowing he has another woman or hear the shit he is saying about you is ever going to be good for you. Some “friends” just can not handle keeping it to themselves and will tell you anyway. You have to ask yourself why a friend would not abide by your request and would want to do anything that hurts you. For them proceed to #5

5. Cut all mutual friends who refuse to take sides or can’t refrain from “sharing” with you; out of your life totally. I know, I know, why should you lose the friends? that is hardly fair!! Well, for one thing; this is when you are going to discover who your friends really are.

Any friend who refuses to choose sides because “the N was always nice to them”,

is not a friend of yours.

6. This can be another really hard thing to do but you must cut all his family out of your life. I know his mom and you are SO close and you don’t want to hurt her feelings but blood is thicker than water when push comes to shove. Also, they could quite innocently tell the N something about you that could really end up hurting you. My ex father in law was always “on my side”, he even helped me leave my ex. After I left my ex my father-in-law would call me a couple of times a year just to see how I was doing. I told him in the beginning I didn’t want to discuss my ex or hear how he was doing because it hurt too much and he respected my wishes. We would discuss all sorts of things and he was very supportive and happy about any success I had with work etc. I owed him some money and I paid him off. He saw my ex for his true colors.

One day I got a call from him and just the way he was talking made me feel something was up but I ignored my gut and when he asked where I was living now I answered. Two days later I saw my ex drive past, a week later there was a drone outside my window, and someone anonymously reported me to welfare and I was immediately cut off, there were also anonymous complaints made to the management company where I lived.
I am sure he didn’t mean to cause trouble for me but my ex must have told some lie about me. Narcissists are such good liars, even the most astute person can accidentally set you up and put you in grave danger.

7. Do not tell him you are going no contact. I don’t care that you are not like that, that you want closure or to stay friends; you are not dealing with a normal person, you will not get the desired response. He will take every opportunity he can to place the blame back on you, he will NOT feel remorse or take any blame ever! He will know why you have gone no contact, or he should; he is not stupid. He treated you like shit, if he doesn’t realize that he doesn’t deserve an explanation, too bad.

8. There is going to be times you have an Aha moment, when you find out something or just put pieces of the puzzle together and you are going to want to share your new found insight. Don’t!! He is not going to appreciate anything you have to say, see #7. Be thankful for the gained insight and call a friend or come here and share but do not call him.

9.The more time that goes past you are going to start to feel stronger and may feel you really want to give him a piece of your mind, really rip him a new asshole. Don’t! It may feel good at the time but it will be short lived. It will only put him back in your life, he will say something to make you doubt yourself and next thing you know you are right back where he always puts you, in misery and self doubt.

10. There are going to be times you have a problem you feel only he can handle. The furnace that only he can get going, the flat tire only he can fix, the dog died, he has mail at the house. There is no good reason to ever have contact with him. Send his mail back “Moved, address unknown”, find someone, anyone else to help you fix whatever needs fixing.

But what if you have children with the Narc? or property that needs to be divided? That does make things a little bit tougher but avoid calling him and do it all through email or communicate through a trusted friend or better yet a lawyer. Keep all conversations short and to the point, never discuss your personal life. If you are discussing the kids, you should have a legal visitation agreement done up, so any conversations should be pretty straight forward. If he is not living up to his end of the deal you do not argue, beg, or threaten. The kids have a narcissist for a parent, they are going to have to deal with that and you can not protect them any more than sticking to any agreed upon visitation. Keep detailed notes of any time he disappoints the kids, doesn’t pay his child support or misses his visitation days; when you have enough evidence you take him to court. Do not try to work with him, yes other couples can work things out where there is flexibility and give and take; this is not possible with an N. Sharing custody with a narcissist is a whole other post for another day. The urge will pass and you will be glad you didn’t call. If you do call you will regret it. Come on, have you ever called and had it be a good thing? You know he will make you feel like crap. You keep hoping this time will be different. I am telling you, even if he was nice this time, it will not last and you know it.

It really doesn’t take that long before you won’t want to call because you will start to feel so much better you will actually fear contact because you never want to feel the way he makes you feel, again.

But I can’t help it, I HAVE to call, I can’t stop myself. Yes. You. Can. it just takes will power, you will not die. If a heroine addict can quit so can you. Pace the floor, go for a walk, call a friend, come in here, take a long hot bath, write him a letter saying everything you think you need to say and never send it, ANYTHING but call.

 

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18 Replies to “Ten Rules For Doing No Contact”

  1. But what about the children? They stay with the mother who goes “no contact”, that’s fine. How about if a man simply misses his children and it is killing him to not hear from his kids? What if he just contacts the kids, let it be through social worker, and leave the woman alone? And, what if he actually is a good father and loves his kids? There are so many sides to consider. We can not say that just because one is a man and another is a woman, the first deserves to be isolated and the second is the only one who needs to heal.

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    1. Rzhevskii, it depends on who the narcissist is but the principles are the same. If it is the man who was with a narcissistic female he needs to get child support and visitation laid out legally, through a lawyer or the courts, immediately, not after all else fails. It can be done without a divorce or division of property.
      He should not beg or threaten either. The narcissist, whether they are male or female will use the children to make the victim’s life hell and the victim can not allow it to happen.
      If the man has a legal agreement and the woman does not abide by it then he has to take her to court. It can be hell on earth sometimes and both males and females will try to turn the kids against the other parent. It is just the way a narcissist operates and there is no easy, or secret to dealing with them accept to deal with them as little as possible. You can not appeal to their “soft side” they don’t care if you are missing the kids, they don’t care if you want to switch your visitation day because something came up, they don’t care that you want to be told every time your child has an event at school, or that you wish you could both be at the child birthday party, like other divorced parents do.
      You have to get it in writing, legally, and abide by it. If your kids are old enough they can call you. You can call to talk to the children, you don’t have to talk to your ex, maybe she answers the phone, ok, then you say, “Hi, it’s Rzenskii, can I talk to the kids please?” If she starts in on you about something you refuse to take the bait.
      It is no different. I am talking about being involved with a narcissist, not a normal marriage break up.

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      1. Thank you for the answer. I couldn’t imagine that my wife is narcissistic, but the way you described this type of personality….it is so close to what my wife is. Really, she doesn’t care how her actions make me feel. Not only about kids. She used to wake me up for sex at 2 am, knowing that I have to get up at 7:30, knowing that I have a sleep disorder. And just try to speak up – I would regret that I was born! So I had to bear with all this abuse. There’s a good saying I recently heard “Beware the person who stabs you and then tells the world they’re the one who’s bleeding” – that is exactly the way she is.
        Also, she made me to believe that I am the problem. I just went online and did narcissist test, scored 2 :-). I always cared about my family. Didn’t even buy myself a coffee at public place, rather would buy something for kids. And see how it turns out. Thanks for the blog.

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  2. All so true! There is no such thing as a “little contact” because the N sees anything we do as themselves “winning again.” How do I know this… well… trust me, I do know. It was no surprise that I married an N abuser considering my birth family’s legacy of abuse passed down through generations via my mother’s side of the family. For some who have been horribly hurt from birth onward, abuse even feels “normal.” So sad. So glad I balked all the way down the line to my eventual freedom and healthy life nobody can mess up. Except maybe me, lol. Great piece, Carrie, excellent reminders.

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    1. Janni, thank you! I didn’t realize how dysfunctional my upbringing was until I was with the N, broke into a million pieces and then put myself back together. Then looking back I could go, “Oh, well, no wonder!!” Wish I would have come to the realization without having to go through hell with the N but it never would have happened if I hadn’t. So I am thankful for what I went through because I finally figured out, I am just fine, in fact I am great and I am not TOO anything, and I AM enough of everything, including pretty.
      I look at my son and how he handles life and people and I am amazed and thankful I somehow raised him without carrying on the legacy of unhealthiness.
      He is a loving caring guy but he says, “Not my monkey, not my circus.” He knows when to step away. Or he will just say, “I am sick of discussing this topic, we’ve kinda beat it to death.” “My life is too busy to spend too much time focusing on that”. “I won’t own that.”
      He is an open book in relationships, gives the woman his passwords on the net etc, treats her like a queen, cooks, cleans is faithful, not the least bit controlling but if she insists on creating drama and she has a bunch of baggage, he can walk away. When he says it is over, it’s over, she is deleted off FB, he deletes her number off his phone and he carries on. There is no rehashing, getting closure, friends with benefits.
      He does not play games and he wouldn’t allow anyone to guilt trip him. I am amazed at how healthy he is. I breath a sigh of relief that he is setting an example of what a real man is all about and how a good man treats women for my grand daughter. The legacy ends with me!

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      1. That achievement alone is a miracle, Carrie, so glad for both you and your son. It usually takes up to seven generations to break dysfunctional family patterns, so ingrained are they. You just prove to me how strong your will is for a better life for your child and yourself. How I wish others could be so strong. What pain could be avoided if only they were. Happy for you and your son, way to be. ❤️❤️❤️

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  3. I totally understand what all of u are going through. I just ended things with the narcissist I was involved with for 7 years. The entire time, he used me, manipulated me, verbally abused me, belittled me as a parent, etc. We met online, and once we started talking, he let me know that he was done wrong by the woman he was with before me and that he wanted to move on with his life. Well let’s just say that was all a lie. He never ended things with her, he treated me like a side chick, messed with my head, telling me things I wanted to hear so that he could get what he wanted and needed out of me, all while continuing a relationship with her. He treated me the same way she treated him. All while I played a big role in getting his business started, bailed him out financially, saved his house from foreclosure, got him health insurance, kept his business going, etc. Then he would tell me that if I ever left him, that I would only end up with someone worse than him, or that things wouldn’t last. Whenever I would catch him being dirty to me, his response would be “if u look for bad, u get bad”. Like it was my fault that he was doing what he was doing because I was catching him. He played with my mind and my heart and he didn’t even care. He took advantage of the type of person that I am and he ran with it, without any remorse. Even though I am the one who put a stop to it all, I am still hurting, and I am angry at myself for believing his bs and putting up with it for so long, hoping things would change. This article is helping to give me strength to not want any contact with him. He has contacted me twice since I ended things a week ago, with his bs of “I love u”, and I responded both times by saying no hard feelings, but I now wish I hadnt. I now know I won’t be able to fully let him go until I cut all contact. It will be hard, but I will get through it. I also want to move because he only lives down the street from me. I used to drive by his house all the time to see what he was doing, which was torture. I’ve even done it once since I ended it. It is not good or healthy for me. But of course, I’m the crazy one. He took my happy spirit from me, now I am working to get it back. Thank u all for sharing your stories. We can all help each other get through this.

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  4. I wish that I had access to information like this when I left my ex. The police were constantly involved due to the harassment that my ex caused and they, plus workers at the various victim support groups all told me not to reply to him BUT they never explained the ins and outs of how and why or what going ‘no contact’ was. I was scared and confused and finally worked it all out for myself. I only hope that (9 years on) the various agencies have a better handle on advising survivors or that they quickly find sites such as this one

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    1. Jclementine, thank you for your comment. That is why I started the blog. When I was going through it there wasnt much information out there on narcissists and what was out there was vague and didn’t give real life examples and explanations. I had to figure it out through trial and many errors. I hoped others could learn from my mistakes and be saved from some of the devastation I was going through.
      Glad to hear you did make it out on your own. Hugs Carrie

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  5. Thanks for this – helps a lot. Mine left me (suddenly – for no reason) last September. Whats-upped me then blocked me. There were lots of red flags but I didn’t really take notice. I made excuses for him. Anyway. Being me, I NEED closure. He walked out on me 20 years ago, no explanation. Now this, again, after 2 years. (long story). I’ve left it this long to TRY and get over him (not possible) before I contact him. He needs to explain things. He says I Used him. He needs to tell me How. But knowing how I feel, I would probably fall back into his arms if he charmed me again. It is SO hard not to tie up the loose ends. This has devastated me. We met when we were 19, on and off romance through the years. I am now 64, he is 65. I thought it was our last try for happiness. Growing old together. Hindsight, I know now he would have made my life hell. Carrie, thanks SO much for this blog – you are a blessing.

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    1. Janine, I know it is hard but you do not need closure. You need it because you tell yourself you need it nut it is your choice to stay stuck on needing closure.
      He will never, ever give you closure. How are you going to make him admit to anything? To keep trying is only holding you in victim mode.
      Your only closure has to be the knowledge he is a narcissist. They don’t give closure.
      What can he say that would make you get over him? If he admitted to wrong doing you would think he’s changed and want to go back. If he blames you, you will want to go back and correct your mistakes. You know you did or didn’t use him, you don’t need him to tell you. A narcissist is ALWAYS the victim. It is what they do.
      That is what makes them a narcissist. A person who is honest, gives closure, takes responsibility for their part in a failed relationship, and parts ways as “friends” is a normal caring person. You are here because your ex is a narcissist, narcissists don’t give closure. You are asking a duck to bark, it ain’t going to happen no matter how much you say you NEED it.
      By needing “closure” you need to be told it wasn’t all your fault, you need him to tell you that you are a good person. He does not give you value or define who you are.
      It doesn’t matter how he treats other women or what he says about you. You know how he treated YOU, that is all that matters. You know the truth.
      Hugs

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      1. Dear Carrie – thanks so much for your insightful response. You are quite right. You really put things into perspective for me. Yes, the duck is never going to bark! (funny). I know him and he would never admit to being wrong. He is always right. But I know I did nothing wrong. My two best, very level headed friends have confirmed that. I loved him (and will always) and I did everything to please him. When he was continually blocking me, my friend said he was disrespecting me – also the hurtful things he would say and do. I never realised or admitted. She was right. How can you disrespect someone if you really love them? His actions were not rational, which was very weird to me. He is a clever, and in many respects, a sensible guy.
        At least I realised something was not right which made me search for what his problem was. And yes, I don’t need closure. I know now what he is. And I know if I did contact him, worse see him, I could not handle his hostility, which I know will be there. It’s been 7 months and I’m not obsessing over him much and getting on with my life and have the support of good friends. I think the worse part is that I’ve loved him for over 45 years, only to now realise it was never sincere on his part. And strangely, I also thought he loved me more than I loved him. That was a shock! I pinned all my dreams on a will-o’-the wisp. But I am strong. I will survive! And yes, I know the truth. And it sets me free. I am Woman!

        I know sometimes when one goes through bad times – it’s lessons learnt and I believe you can turn it into a positive by assisting others who go through similar problems. How can you help others if you yourself cannot relate? It’s wisdom building.
        And you have helped me as you have many others.
        Bless you for this blog. It’s a God-send.

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