The #1 Lie The Narcissist Wants The Victim To Believe

no bullshit

Not My Bull

Not My Bullshit

There is a common misconception that drove me and many other victims of a narcissist crazy. The casual observer is guilty of making the same  erroneous assumption; which is…….. if the next woman stays longer than you did, they must be happy and getting along, she must know some secret to remaining happy while with the narcissist. The narcissist loves to rub the previous victim’s nose in it too, loving to point out how this woman is still with him. So YOU must be flawed in some way.

First of all, longevity says nothing about how happy the woman is or how harmonious their relationship is. I have had people say to me, “Well, he’s still with the next woman.” So? and your point is? It is making a statement without making a statement, or it sure feels like it to the victim. For one thing, you are supposed to have cut all mutual friends out of your life so you wouldn’t hear shit exactly like this. Who needs it??

Secondly, how happy were you while you were with him? Sure, you stayed, but were you happy? No, he treated you like shit! behind closed doors he treated you like dirt under his feet, but you looked happy out in public too, didn’t you? because in public he treated you good; especially when you first started dating. You can bet there was an ex sitting somewhere watching you and him and thinking, “They look so happy. It must have been me.”

My ex worked at keeping our relationship somewhat intact until we passed the magic 10 year mark because that is how long his last long term relationship lasted and his ex had said it would never last. He knew it would really bother her for us to last longer than they did. The victim always feels, “He will never find some woman to love him the way I do, who will put up with what I do.” The thing is though, he has told her a bunch of lies and now he blames his bad behavior on the abuse he suffered with the last woman, ALL the women he has ever been with……..except you of course.

Wanna know a secret? I never allowed myself to believe that shit, sure, there were times my mind went down that path and I hauled it’s ass right off of that train of thought the minute it took the self depreciating detour to “what’s she got that I don’t have land?”

The only thing you know for sure is how he treated you, everything else is hearsay and speculation. You need to only concern yourself with things you have first hand knowledge of and have any control over.  Everyone has their own history, personal experience, personality, weaknesses, strengths, and hangups. Everyone handles things in their own way, what worked for you won’t necessarily work for someone else and everyone has their own emotional limit; their last straw, for whatever reason,is not the same as your last straw. For reasons only she knows, she is hanging in longer than you did or he has found more resources to drain her of. OR he knows it is driving you crazy and is working double time to hide his true self from the new woman so she won’t dump his ass.

Leopard’s don’t change their spots, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. No one treats one person as badly as the N treated you and does a complete 180 with the next person he meets, because a nice, caring person would never treat anyone the way the N treated you, no matter what kind of nasty bitch you were.

If some other woman is sticking it out with him maybe she is more gullible than you were, not as smart, in deeper, thinks she has too much to lose, or too far gone down the toxic rabbit hole to see the light of day. It does not mean he has changed or there was/is anything wrong with you.

My ex has been with the “new” woman almost 8 years and with every year that they are together I feel a bit better; Thank God I am not the only woman who got sucked in, I was not the stupidest!! I would have felt worse if she would have picked up on what he is a lot sooner than I did, THEN I would feel there must be something wrong with me.

No matter what; there is no way we can know for sure what is going on behind their closed doors, and it does no good whatsoever to dwell on something we have no control over and does not affect us in any way. It only affects us when we let it. We DO have control over what we choose to think about and obsess about.

Practice saying, “Not my , not my monkey.”

OR Not my bull, not my bullshit.

I am a dog owner and I gladly pick up my dog’s shit every single day, it’s part of the job being a dog owner. Well, being involved with a narcissist requires pickup their bullshit, but you don’t have to, you choose to. We all have choices. Believe me, a dog will never treat you as badly as the narcissist, if you love picking up shit, get a dog. It will be a lot more loving and loyal.

 

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14 Replies to “The #1 Lie The Narcissist Wants The Victim To Believe”

  1. Again, I needed to hear this and see this! Facebook would have me believe that everything is super perfect with the new woman. They are peas in a pod, soulmates, he’s perfect now, and it’s completely unrealistic that I ever was abused/neglected or chose to leave the relationship. Every interaction he and I have still gushes with the same abusive language, passive put-downs and name calling that I remember hearing all the time when we were together.

    My children and I are so much better off states away (thank you California Family Court for seeing the truth!!) I get to teach them resilience and raise them in a peaceful environment. I get to grunt the burden of their father’s abuse without them having to see or live through it because it happens on the phone when they aren’t there. They still believe that Daddy and Mommy hate each other because he refuses to even acknowledge my existence when I see him for visitation exchanges, but they will grow up seeing what love should really look and feel like.

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  2. I can’t say I’ve given this subject a lot of thought, particularly in the last few years. I will say that early on, while her dating site photos showed a rather homely but kind looking sort of woman, I think she was extremely lonely, and hungry for love!

    Her appeal for my ex-narc is that she has a thriving business that brings in a lot of money, and she owns a highly attractive, expensive looking home and land. Within weeks of his moving in, she added him as co-owner and executor of her estate.

    Do I think she’s happy?: I’m not sure. Probably not. Like a true narc, he’s always whining and crying something that’s making him unhappy like planes flying low over “his” land! Seems like they always like to claim his partner’s property as their own!

    Why does she stay and put up with him? My answer would be that she’s terrified of living alone again, and so she works hard to keep up the facade that they are happy! He never posts any clear shot photos of her..oh, maybe she’s holding up a cat in front her face so you can’t see what she looks like. He never brags about her or says anything good. It’s as if she doesn’t even exist. No, it’s all about him! What makes him happy and fulfills his needs!

    Do I care? NO! Absolutely not! She’s welcome to him! I even told her so, when she first took up with him! No skin off my nose! haha. Thanks for your usual fine post Carrie. I had just about forgotten about all this, and you helped me remember again! Amusing to me now 7 years later. Time heals all wounds they say, and perhaps wounds all heels! LOL. Take care everybody.

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    1. Only Me – Wow! The one I was with found a woman just like the one you described, she is a rich widow with a large expensive home. He just moved in with her, he must think he won the lottery! He had her lined up before our relationship ended. This all really bothered me at first (it’s been 2 years) but now it’s getting easier. I can only hope that evidently I heal as well as you have, and no longer even bother to think about him, or wonder why he did the hurtful things he did, or the horrible things he said. Ugh.

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  3. She won’t stay as long as I did. 31 years.
    Then he would be in his ninetees. So I don’t have to think why he stayed for so long. 😂
    Over the years his narcistic behaviour increased. Don’t want to think about what he would be like then.

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  4. Very well said as always. One of the hardest things is their “perfect” public behaviour makes it much harder for your situation to be understood properly, sometimes even by members of your own family, thus increasing your sense of isolation and low self-worth. Soooo pleased you got out of that one 🙂 🙂

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  5. Carrie, I have been following you for a few years. I was also discarded after 15 years with my Narc, I can’t believe the suffering involved. I am told it is much like a Heroin addiction… I am a people pleaser. Many, like me are a magnet for or with the narcissistic and BPD personality. I am writing to ask that you include female personality disordered individuals as well as male. The People pleaser male needs to realize they can be victimized just as easily…

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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  6. I used to wonder that with the ex….He jumped right into a new relationship that (I think) lasted a bit longer, but afterwards I heard from the gf all about the dysfunction. Then he found someone else and married her (he had to). My friends told me he treated her the same way he did me, but then everybody graduated and nobody saw them anymore.

    For years it drove me a bit crazy as I wondered, were they happy, did he treat her better, was it really me who was the problem? Then 10 years later, they got divorced, and he wrote on his Classmates.com profile all about how she didn’t “support” him. So I concluded that nothing had changed after all.

    Yet another example that yeah, the narc doesn’t really change.

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    1. Nyssa The Hobbit, thanks for sharing and confirming they never change. In the 8 years I’ve had this blog I have never heard of one changing. Not for long term, just long enough to suck the victim back in.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. By the way, picking up after your dog is a pleasure, because what dog gives you in return outweighs everything that any – I mean it – ANY other human can give. Loyalty, love, forgiveness, happiness, joy, laughter and much much more.

    Liked by 1 person

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