Let’s Set The Record Straight, Right Now!

There are some misconceptions going around that have the potential to be dangerous to unwitting victims of a narcissist.

Twenty years ago no one had even heard of a narcissist and a psychopath was someone depicted as running the Bates Hotel.

I had heard of Narcissist, the fabled guy who fell in love with his own reflection, but he was a joke, not to be feared.

After leaving my ex I was determined to figure out what happened to me and warn others.

There really wasn’t much information out there about narcissists and what I could find was vague and didn’t seem like my ex. One of the reasons I had fallen in love with my ex was the fact that he wasn’t a braggard. I had dated egomaniacs before and they never lasted long. I could not stand a guy who had to put a price on everything, interrupt people and be the center of attention. You know the guy, the one telling off color jokes at the top of his lungs, the used car salesman stereotype, the sleazeball leaning against the cigarette machine with his shirt undone to his navel with a gold chain and hitting on all the women. I never understood how they got women.

Or the guys in the gym who can’t walk past a mirror without flexing, or the highschool jock who has girls flocking at his feet. No fear of me ever falling for someone like that! As for a guy controlling what I wear, who my friends are, or when I go out; that was downright laughable!!

I was reading a post on a victims of a narcissist support site and some woman was saying she has learned to co-exist with her narcissistic husband. According to her, she knew exactly how to “handle” him. When I hear anyone say they know how to “handle” a narcissist and they can co-exist peacefully, I know one of three things is going on,

1. they are not with a narcissist

2. they are deep in denial

3. The narcissist has not revealed his true colors yet

She was defensive and told me she had done lots of research and knew what she was talking about. She related a story of a friend who’s husband was so selfish he filled the garage with all his “toys” and the wife could not park her car in the garage in winter and said, she would never presume to tell this friend to leave her husband and find someone better.

I would hope the hell not!! If that is the worst the woman has to deal with she should consider herself lucky.

This woman has a very warped definition of a narcissist!! Narcissists are NOT benign!!

It seems to me calling someone a narcissist has become the “in” thing to do. Everyone who has had a bad experience of any kind, been rejected by a man, or been with an inconsiderate man, is quick to label them a narcissist. The self righteous, “I am woman hear me roar” women will tell you they know how to deal with a narcissist. They tell a man what they think, they never let a man walk all over them. They aren’t a doormat.

Let me be very clear, narcissist is NOT the new age term for asshole.

If you sleep with a man even though he refuses to commit, you are making a conscious decision to have sex with a man without a commitment. If a man is honest enough to tell you, “I don’t love you”, “I don’t want a commitment”, “I don’t want to ever get married” believe him! Don’t assume you are going to win his love by being a doormat.

If a man falls out of love with you, it’s gonna hurt, but it happens, deal with it, it does not make him a narcissist.

Now, what does make him a narcissist?

The DSM 5, used to diagnose personality disorders, says at least 5 of these symptoms must exist:

    • A grandiose sense of self-importance

    • A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

    • A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

    • A need for excessive admiration

    • A sense of entitlement

    • Interpersonally exploitive behavior

    • A lack of empathy

    • Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

  • A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

In a proposed alternative model cited in DSM-5, NPD is characterized by moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning, manifested by characteristic difficulties in 2 or more of the following 4 areas [2] :

    • Identity

    • Self-direction

    • Empathy

  • Intimacy


It still sounds rather obscure and benign if you don’t fully understand how these traits manifest themselves.

Besides, by the time a victim goes looking for answers to “what the hell is happening?” They are in so deep it can be almost impossible to safely leave the relationship.

Any normal halfway intelligent woman wouldn’t date a narcissist if they saw him without his mask on the first date or two. When you meet the narcissist he is nothing like the description above, in fact he probably seems the exact opposite.

It isn’t even possible to describe how to a pick a narcissist out of the crowd or say what kind of woman they are attracted to because they morph into the victim’s perfect partner. They don’t have a “type” of woman, every woman they meet, regardless of age, looks, economic status, or religious beliefs is assessed for their value to the narcissist. Not every woman will fall for them but that is of little consequence to the narcissist because he has so many women in various stages of falling for his act he always has one or two ready to step into the role of his main supply.

He will use women for whatever he sees of benefit to him. One might provide a roof over his head, another could give him prestige, or a desired job, it could be simply a sexual relationship.

The one thing all the women will have in common is they will all think they are special to the narcissist and that he is totally in love with her alone. They will all think they know him better than anyone else and not have a clue who he really is. Most women find out exactly how little they knew about him after the relationship ends.

Before we go any further, let me clarify some misconceptions about narcissist. The mental health professionals can’t even agree on many aspects of narcissism. There is controversy about how dangerous they are, if they can be “healed” and how someone becomes a narcissist.

Some quick facts:

Not all narcissists were abused as children. I believe many of them were simply because they were narcissists and the parents were trying to teach them right from wrong. There can be numerous children in a family raised by the same two parents in the exact same way and one of them will be a narcissist and different from birth, always lying, breaking rules, blaming their siblings, getting in trouble in school etc

Brain scans have been done that prove narcissist and psychopath’s brains never develop the ability to feel empathy or guilt. Consequently, they can not be healed, not with therapy or by your magical love.

People will tell you narcissists aren’t dangerous. But recent research is showing otherwise. All psychopaths are narcissistic. They say narcissists don’t murder people, only psychopaths do that. If they both display the exact same traits how does a lay person distinguish between the two. A narcissist is just a psychopath who hasn’t killed yet.

There are three personality disorders that are considered the most dangerous; psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. The reason they are so dangerous is because they are the only disorders that lack a conscience. Think about it; without a conscience what stops a person from doing whatever they want whenever they want. Most of us have been so angry at someone at some point in our lives that we thought, “I could kill the bastard”; but we don’t! Because we know our conscience wouldn’t allow it. We may see something we like and think, “I really want that”, but we don’t steal it because we would feel too guilty, or we would think Karma would get us, or God, or we know how we would feel if someone stole from us. A narcissist doesn’t have those filters. He wants it, he takes it, without any guilt, in fact he feels entitled to take it.

Therapy doesn’t help a narcissist, except to help him be better at being a narcissist. Counselling only provides the narcissist with more information he can use to manipulate his victims and improve his acting skills.

Narcissists will tell you that they aren’t dangerous or even that evil. I have been told by narcissists that I am describing a psychopath, psychopaths say I am describing a sociopath or narcissist, the sociopath says, “Not ME! You are talking about narcissists!

One of the leading traits of a narcissist is that they are pathological liars. Why would you believe anything they say?

I heard a long time ago,

“If a narcissist’s lips are moving, he’s lying.”

Which is another reason therapy doesn’t help them and why therapists don’t agree on the cause, motives, and severity of narcissism; they never get a straight answer from the narcissist.

They are academy award worthy actors. They knew at a very young age they were different than everyone else, so they learned to imitate the emotions of those around them in order to fit in and go undetected. They learned that acting the way they wanted got them in trouble and worked against them. They are usually highly intelligent so figure out they get much further if they pretend to be like everyone else. That is where upbringing plays a major role in how they present themselves, and some are more sophisticated than others.

Look! I don’t really care what label you put on them, there is a type of person out there in the world destroying lives and they all follow the same m.o. The Diagnostic Manual wants to put narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths under the same classification and call them Antisocial Disorder.

People want to break it down even further to Malignant, Covert, Cerebral, and Somatic Narcissist. As far as I am concerned, we give the narcissist far too much attention as it is. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist.

We go looking for answers so we can put our experience, the narcissist in a nice little box and file it away. We think if we can figure out how the narcissist ticks and why he does the things he does, it will help us heal, give us closure.

We think he can give us answers for why he wants to destroy us, the one who loved him unconditionally. Because we do have a conscience, empathy and guilt, we know that for us to treat people that way we would have had to have something truly horrible happen to us. No one acts that way without reason.

You are wrong, narcissists treat people that way without any justification…..because they are narcissists. They know they “hurt” people, but without the ability to feel empathy, hurt, is just a word. Love, is a word they use to manipulate their victims, they have no idea how it feels to truly love someone. In order to truly love someone you have to feel empathy.

Now don’t go crying for the narcissist, feeling sorry for the poor guy who will never know how it feels to love and be loved, doomed to live a lonely loveless life and die alone.

The narcissist actually feels superior to the rest of society. He sees feelings as what makes people weak, it is the thing that enables him to victimize so many people. Why would he want to be like his victims? He thinks his victims are stupid and weak so deserve to be used by him. Every time a victim forgives him he is more disgusted with their gullibility to believe his lies yet again!

So how can you protect yourself? You don’t want to be suspicious all the time. If they are such good actors how on earth can you know until it’s too late? It’s really very simple.

They all seem perfect at first. Not perfect for everyone, but perfect for you.

They think you are perfect, where have you been all their life? They have never known love like the love they have with you.

They push for sex early.

It’s a whirlwind romance. Him rushing to live together or get married. Talking about having kids etc.

He will try to get you to quit your job, move to a new town somehow make you dependent on him.

He usually keeps you away from his family somehow. They are vicious addicts, have always abused his good nature or they don’t like you.

He will point out how disrespectful your kids are to you. How your family doesn’t appreciate you. He just wants to protect you. You are always taking care of everyone else. There probably is a smidgen of truth to it too.

All his ex’s were psycho bitches that are out to get him and destroy him. He will forbid you to talk to them because they will try to turn you against him.

You will discover some lie early on and he will down play it, beg forgiveness and promise it will never happen again.

He will more than likely have money tied up somehow and will try to borrow a bit until the big payoff comes through. He will have money to wine and dine you at first though. He is getting it off some other sucker.

He might have questionable work ethics or credentials.

Often he is new to town so has no long term friends you can meet, he becomes friends with your friends.

Sex is intense and frequent, at first.

Then, all of a sudden, like a switch went off; he is moody, critical, flies into a rage over nothing and you are shocked, don’t understand what you did wrong. He might disappear for days at a time. He will pick a fight and not call or answer your calls for days and then pop back into your life like nothing happened.

If you try to break up with him, he will cry and beg you to give him another chance but things quickly go back to him being moody and angry all the time.

None of this is normal behavior and this is when you exit stage left and cut off all communication. You can NOT talk to him because he will put doubt in your mind. Trust your gut that is telling you something is not right.

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27 thoughts on “Let’s Set The Record Straight, Right Now!

  1. Brillant Carrie. All the comments you wrote are absolutely true. Thankfully I escaped the beast, I could write a book about how crazy he was. Karma comes in strange ways. His beloved daughter whom he couldn’nt be apart from, committed suicide last week. God Bless her. Made my life hell with her Father, I forgive her but no smypathy for her Father, Was a product of her upbringing. Always insprising to read your posts Carrie. Hope you are well, xxx

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    1. Marrohop! So good to see you!! I get in here so seldom these days. As much as I miss everyone life just takes up too much time.
      I am doing very well thank you. Struggling with my health but finally have a decent cardiologist and on meds that allow me to live not just survive.
      I will always struggle financially, my ex made sure of that but I get by. Life is just good, I am positive and confident and enjoying life as much as I can.
      I, like you, have forgiven the people who helped my ex destroy me, they were also his victims. I have a bit of a “holier than thou” attitude about it though. I may have been a victim but I didn’t help him destroy other people no matter what he said. I am much pickier about who I allow in my life. Quality people of integrity. I don’t have the patience or time for drama, secrets, or back stabbing. That includes family.
      People are finally respecting my boundaries, especially my mother.
      It feels good. I like feeling good. 😁
      I am sorry to hear about your ex’s daughter, she was a victim also, but she made your life hell. What a shame, obviously a very tormented soul.
      I hope you are happy and doing well, drama free.
      Big hugs to you! ❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Brilliant, thank-you for explaining it so well, you’ve described my experience exactly. It won’t give me back the decades I’ve lost but understanding how I got conned makes it a bit easier to cope.

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      1. May, I found it helped me to know I was not alone, in fact I was in very good company! I was not stupid or flawed in some way, like so many people tried to make me think.
        Glad to see another person escape the clutches of these soul suckers. Hugs❤️❤️

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  2. Great post! I also get super annoyed at the misuse of “narcissist” and “narcissism” for the same reason you wrote this post. Humans tend to suck at relationships. We faulter many, many times in life and it’s generally because our egos are big and we think we got it figured out. But we don’t. We learn and try to be better. Sometimes it takes awhile.

    Narcissists, on the other hand, are learning how to be better at being harmful. They aren’t behaving from a place of normal human foibles. They are out to destroy people in all types of relationships. And each consecutive relationship teaches them new tricks so they can cause greater pain and suffering in the future.

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  3. Excellent article! I am also tired of hearing the term narcissist used by people who got stood up once. I am also getting annoyed at sites that always use pictures of ridiculously good looking, well dressed people when depicting a narcissist. They are not all worldly, successful, etc. Some of them are quite ordinary, and appear as and benign as Mr Rogers.

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    1. Beth, true enough they aren’t all handsome! Some are short, balding, with a big gut; but they all have charisma, charm, or an ability to make you feel sorry for them.
      Usually they pretend to have money in the beginning or money that is “just tied up for awhile”. If they do have money they probably got it off of another woman they are leading on.
      My ex was extremely good looking and appeared to have money, not alot of money but enough to live comfortably and take me out once in a while. As it turned out he was broke and didn’t have anything, not even furniture.
      But I have seen some that are really unattractive but they have “something” . I laugh when people say they will die lonely. Not because it’s funny but because many older women will put up with a real asshole, just to have a man. I am shocked at how quickly they move some old guy in and pay for everything.
      It’s just so sad.
      Thanks for commenting. Hugs 💓

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Women are not exempt from this affliction either. I know. I experienced it. This article seemed to imply this is exclusively a male problem. Just so you know; it is not.

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    1. Beth, true enough they aren’t all handsome! Some are short, balding, with a big gut; but they all have charisma, charm, or an ability to make you feel sorry for them.
      Usually they pretend to have money in the beginning or money that is “just tied up for awhile”. If they do have money they probably got it off of another woman they are leading on.
      My ex was extremely good looking and appeared to have money, not alot of money but enough to live comfortably and take me out once in a while. As it turned out he was broke and didn’t have anything, not even furniture.
      But I have seen some that are really unattractive but they have “something” . I laugh when people say they will die lonely. Not because it’s funny but because many older women will put up with a real asshole, just to have a man. I am shocked at how quickly they move some old guy in and pay for everything.
      It’s just so sad.
      Thanks for commenting. Hugs 💓

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    2. Vern, yes I know. You are right about women narcissists being every bit as bad as a male narcissist. I refer to them as male just from habit and ease in typing.
      I do have a disclaimer on my home page acknowledging and explaining that there are female narcissists.
      Thanks for pointing it out. Sorry you had to learn that first hand.
      Thanks for commenting.

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  5. Describes my h to a T. 42 years and counting. I’m out of his “black hole” emotionally now. Not physically yet. Its a never ending circle of lies, craziness, blaming, and temper tantrums. I call him out on every lie, manipulation and twist now and leave the house when a tantrum begins. Friends? Yep, I have a couple of close friends but no “couple” friends. The husbands don’t want to be around him because every topic or conversation we have gets hi-jacked by him and ends up being his “show”. I’m emotionally drained but stronger now that I know its not me, my fault, my story…..! I won’t go shopping or to stores any more with him because he has embarrassed me in all my regulars. Always having to make a scene and make me or someone else look dumb, foolish or uncooperative to make himself look better. I’ve left him in many stores/mall and have even driven home leaving him to fend for himself. Yep, he can be the sweetest person in the world sometimes. But flip that switch where he’s not getting what he wants or the “light of truth” is shining on him and its rage time. Sick of the drama. I’m going to find a way to escape very soon. Sorry for rambling………

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    1. Jean, my heart breaks to read your comment. You know exactly what he is, have gone through decades of abuse and you so deserve to find some peace and happiness.
      I will tell you, no one ever feels ready to leave, if he thinks you are going to leave he will lay on the sweetness until he’s got you sucked back in.
      Whatever you do, do it safely and preferably without him knowing it’s happening.
      Be careful!!
      All the best to you Jean. ❤️❤️ Hugs

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  6. I have been struggling wondering if I am indeed with a narcissist , he does fit at lest 4 of the guidelines in your post. What hit me like a ton of bricks is when you said how they would say things such as, “ your kids disrespect you”, “ they don’t appreciate you”,, what you posted are the exact words I hear every time there is a family issue , My kids are all married and over 30 yet there are times I have many things I still do for them and they call upon me, sometimes it is a pain in my ass, but never the less they are my family. My husband of 33 yrs passed away 4 yrs ago and I’m their mom and we were all close and still are , what’s wrong with that ????? The man I’m with has lied to me in several occasions and I call him out on it and then the rage or silent treatment ,, never an apology .. I’m always the forgiving one ,, it’s really sick when you get down to it,, It was his birthday and I got the silent treatment like I did something wrong , ya know like have gifts and made a cake….. Not sure how this will end up,,right now he’s angry because I took my ring off about a month ago and I haven’t put it back in because I said I won’t wear it until you realize what a ring means to me, I told him it’s not a mark or display that I belong to someone else, to me it’s about commitment, mutual respect, trust and then Love ,, so far what I’ve gotten out of him is how the guy I work with must think I’m single because I do t wear my ring ,, hmmm okay nice way to view my feelings I’ve tol him but okayyyyy,,, Thank you for your post I really needed to see that in print as I’m unraveling the mess I feel I may be into,, 🤔

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    1. Chris, I think you know you are in a toxic relationship. The traits are a guideline, not a unbreakable rule, besides, narcissists are so good at lying and acting that you probably don’t know half of what is going on behind the scenes.
      I was with my ex off and on for 10 years, 8 of those years I was totally confident he could never really cheat on me and certainly wouldn’t be telling me he loved me while processing his love to 2 other women.
      As if it was a gift from God (or my higher power whatever you want to call it) as I was packing to leave him I came across his journals from years we were together. He used to say that I crazy to think he was cheating and if I knew the truth I would feel really stupid. He was right, I felt stupid alright! It was WAY worse than I could have ever imagined.
      If your gut is telling you there is something wrong, listen to your gut!!!
      Let me ask you this, you were married 33 yrs! I assume it was a fairly happy marriage. Did you ever have to deal with the crazy shit you are dealing with now? Walk on egg shells for fear of setting him off? Carefully choosing your words, picking just the right time to express your feelings in the most non-confrontational way possible only to end up apologizing to him and defending yourself to his bizarre accusations.
      You read this article or some other post and your suspicions are validated, you aren’t nuts or paranoid. You feel more confident, stable, yourself, and then out of no where he is back to the man you fell in love with. Maybe he’s had an epiphany! Maybe he’s truly changed, maybe you will get your happily ever after.
      And the cycle will continue. The years fly by faster the older we get, and we have fewer of them. Do you really want to waste these years on the emotional roller coaster ride from hell?
      For one thing, he will never cut the ties completely. So don’t wait for that to happen. You are going to have to be the one to walk away and go total no contact. There is no staying friends, no matter what he says.
      I guarantee you, it only gets worse. It sounds like you have a close relationship with your kids, treasure it. Don’t let him destroy it, because he will try. You really have so much to lose and alot you should be protecting by any means possible. It shouldn’t matter what he thinks of your kids. He is not living with them, raising them or paying for them.
      If he is accusing you of cheating or acting single I suspect he is the one acting single.
      I remember my ex justifying his infidelity by saying, “You could take home any guy you want every day of the week.”
      I said, “Maybe I could. But the key word here is “could”, I don’t do it because I love you, I don’t want any other man.”
      You both are adults, you should not have to explain basic common courtesy and relationship skills to a full grown man. If he ain’t learned by now, he sure the hell isn’t going to learn it now. It is not your job to figure out what’s wrong with him, fix him or teach him. You raised your kids.
      Good luck. ❤️

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  7. This is such a a good article. The thing is, a Narcissist can be deeply charming before someone he targets to the point that said target becomes flattered and loses all critical facilities. I am so pleased you escaped. and that you used your experience to save others from having the same experience.; Bless you 🙂

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    1. Peter! So good to see you! I hope you are doing well. Thank you. You have been a loyal supporter from the beginning. I remember I was in that horrible trailer, so depressed, so broke, and you were so encouraging. You and a handful of others played a huge role in getting me through the worst time of my life. Big hugs to you. ❤️❤️

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  8. Hi, Carrie, it’s good to see you! And oh! Your website changed color, that’s nice. I got scared however thinking you got hacked seeing as how narcissists are notorious for stealing and hacking. I’m glad that you made another article and wish to add my observations as well. Hope you don’t mind it.

    “They don’t have a “type” of woman, every woman they meet, regardless of age, looks, economic status, or religious beliefs is assessed for their value to the narcissist.”

    Actually, they DO have a type. Mine has a, er-hem, fetish for big eyes and an “exotic” look (very vague). Also would hook up with someone that doesn’t meet his fetish but would simply see as a conquest, information, ego boost when he’s down or when he wants to triangulate/make someone jealous and cause a misunderstanding. Kinda explains why he wouldn’t do it with me but would gladly do it with another woman. However, the difference between a narcissist and a normal person having a type is that, a normal person wouldn’t go pretending to be the ideal person of every woman and acting like they “love” her. And the big difference is of course, their emotional range, which is for narcissists, extremely limited.

    “Consequently, they can not be healed, not with therapy or by your magical love.”

    You can’t change how someone’s brain is wired, not even therapy. It’s futile. It’s like putting a liquid on someone’s body thinking it’d cure cancer, the only way for a narcissist to be different is to have a total brain rewiring, which is EXTREMELY impossible.

    “All psychopaths are narcissistic. They say narcissists don’t murder people, only psychopaths do that.”

    Now, I don’t know where you got the first one and I’ve never met a psychopath but basing on what I’ve read about them, they’re definitely different from a sociopath and a narcissist. And I disagree, narcissists can’t kill someone, they can at the right opportunity: when no one’s looking or aware of them, they would even make traps for the victim to fall into. The worse one off all is murder by proxy: it is how a narcissist makes someone kill themselves by putting a lot of ideas into their head, manipulating them into doing it, saying things that will lead them to thinking about committing suicide. How did I know? I had it happen to me and I still remember the memory of them doing that. And I also disagree with psychopaths as well, not ALL psychopaths kill or (are violent, that’s just misinformation), there’s high functioning ones that would rise to the top and have all the power to kill someone.

    “Counselling only provides the narcissist with more information he can use to manipulate his victims and improve his acting skills.”

    Would also gather potential supply and flying monkeys to use against his victims. Also more information on how things works, that’s what my ex did, not with a therapist, but consistently seeking information to use against someone and to pretend to be that person for ex: he went to a therapist, he would ask tons of questions rapidly, and depending on the experience and knowledge of the therapist, they would either answer them to the best of their ability or ignore them. If they managed to get enough (doesn’t have to be everything) information, they would pretend to be a therapist and lie with the rest of it online.

    “They are usually highly intelligent so figure out they get much further if they pretend to be like everyone else. That is where upbringing plays a major role in how they present themselves, and some are more soficticated than others.”

    Narcissists don’t have to be intelligent to manipulate. It’s to know how to adapt and change depending on the situation. And seeing as to they were born this way, they interpret the world very differently from ours, knows the general rule and workings of a normal human being. I find that narcissists are more “sophiscated” than sociopaths, the covert ones, and that the sociopath tend to be lousy and ended up repelling people, not saying all of them but based on my experience with one.

    “As far as I am concerned, we give the narcissist far too much attention as it is.” This, I disagree. Yes, victims may be paying too much attention to it but it’s usually paid with the wrong kind and the info about it is not exposing or helpful as well. I’ve seen people who say that tends to be narcissists who just wants to leave everyone in the dark and not expose their tactics and have much info about them (not saying you’re one by the way, just stating) . If anything, we’re not paying it the right kind of attention, no one even knows much about it.

    “The narcissist actually feels superior to the rest of society. He sees feelings as what makes people weak, it is the thing that enables him to victimize so many people.”

    Actually, this is something I’ve been thinking about. If being human means to have both rationality and emotions, then doesn’t that mean that what the narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths say about them being “superior” over other normal human beings is wrong?… Since they don’t have emotions and tend to have it extremely limited, doesn’t that THEY’RE the ones who’s inferior ones? Which makes a lot of sense, lol

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    1. Mary, I think maybe you misunderstood what I was saying, I agree with the points you are making because there are the same as the points I was making.
      When I said they don’t have a type. I meant, yes my ex had a “type”, he always dated blondes, tall, slim and very attractive women, who were self sufficient types. After we split I was surprised to see him involved with a chunky, dark haired woman who really was not that attractive and had never worked. It all made sense when I found out she was a widow who was well taken care of with her husband’s pension and insurance. My ex actually bragged about how he was so successful now and didn’t have to work. He had a preferred type but was willing to settle if she could provide for his creature comforts if need be. Then he could also make her feel inferior by comparing her to the type of women he usually dated. By *type* I meant that people always assume they would not fall prey to an N. That only codependent, weak women are victims. That is totally false. Plus it doesn’t have to be a woman with money. It all depends on what the N needs at the time. We said exactly the same thing
      We both agree they can’t be healed because brain scans prove their brains are not wired the same as normal people.
      The fact that all psychopaths are narcissists is common knowledge, I have read it many times and in the DSM 5 they list the traits of each disorder. The traits are interchangeable to a large degree. The psychopath acts almost exactly the same as a narcissist, in fact there has been an on going debate between therapist, researchers etc where they can’t decide if they should just lump them all under one heading. There are small differences between sociopaths, (they say they are created from trauma as a child), psychopaths, (born that way), and narcissists (which can present itself in varying degrees but in its truest form lacks any ability to feel empathy or guilt.) You can have an extremely self centered person who is not a narcissist. I have become a member of Quora, where many people go looking for answers about N’s and there are Psychopaths, Narcs who answer questions or argue with me that I am wrong. That is the point I was making. Narc’s can murder. I agree there are many psychopaths who never murder. Does that mean they aren’t capable of murder? No, it means they were never pushed to the limit where they wanted to kill someone. I was saying that a narcissist will tell you they aren’t killers and many professionals will tell you that they don’t kill but of course they can, it’s just that once they do kill, people start calling them a psychopath. I am warning people that they shouldn’t think narcissists are benign and won’t hurt you because there is no way anyone can know for sure if a person is a narcissist or a psychopath. There are many narcissists living amongst us who never kill. I was encouraged by my ex to kill myself also. There are many ways to kill someone.
      Exactly right, normal people don’t act like they love someone and Narcs do.
      I never once said narcissists can’t kill, that is the EXACT point I am trying to get through!!
      As far as counseling, you are saying exactly what I said.
      I said they USUALLY are intelligent not that they MUST be intelligent. Let me clarify. My ex was near genius. Extremely stupid in some areas, like emotionally but extremely talented mechanically. It is the psychopaths who will become doctors, lawyers, without ever finishing school. My ex was a heavy duty mechanic, very talents welder fabricator and had phony diplomas from various schools and never completed one course. As in Dirty John, he passed himself off as a doctor. You have to be intelligent to pull that kind of thing off.
      Sociopaths, I think aren’t so intelligent and tend to be more “low class” common criminals.
      Re:giving the narc too much attention. (I never once thought you were calling me a narc. Why would you do that?) What I meant by we give them too much attention is this. Victims often times make it their new purpose to find out everything they can about the narcissist. Why he does what he does, is he covert, malignant, somatic, …. Who cares?? What good is it doing for you?? If you learn everything about them you’ll be able to protect yourself? There is a limit. At the point you figure out what he is when you rehash the relationship and put everything into perspective. To dissect and argue every nuance and trait as to whether it is psychopathic, narcissistic, sociopathic is really pointless unless you are studying to become a psychologist.
      THEY ARE DANGEROUS! PERIOD!! You are doing yourself no good wasting time obsessing over each minute trait.
      If you have gotten to that point you should be looking within to figure out how you are going to 1. Heal.
      2. Protect yourself from ever being victimized again
      3. Find inner peace and happiness
      Your last point is the EXACT same point I am making. The Narcissist FEELS superior. He isn’t superior. Of course the narc and psychopaths are inferior, they are disabled. THEY don’t think that though.

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      1. After having read through your reply, I realized that we both agree and we’re talking about the same thing. My only mistakes where is that I forgot to add a few things and reading your response made me remember what I should have said. Also, if you don’t mind another long rambling from me, I just wanna clarify a few things:

        “He had a preferred type but was willing to settle if she could provide for his creature comforts if need be. Then he could also make her feel inferior by comparing her to the type of women he usually dated.”

        THIS! I agree with this very much, this is what I meant but I forgot to say that they may have a type, but they just want someone who’ll pay for them.

        “I have become a member of Quora, where many people go looking for answers about N’s and there are Psychopaths, Narcs who answer questions or argue with me that I am wrong.”

        Quora is filled with apologists and the demons themselves (narcissists, psychopaths) and I hate it there. Their answers are just so wrong and is pure disinfomation. I admire that you keep doing the right thing despite being surrounded by them. Last time I went there, the answers were all wrong but there were so many upvotes on those answers that I stopped visiting.

        Er-hem, went off tangent there. Sorry.

        “I agree there are many psychopaths who never murder. Does that mean they aren’t capable of murder? No, it means they were never pushed to the limit where they wanted to kill someone.”

        … I was actually supposed to say that psychopaths do kill people, not make other people kill their victims. I managed to say murder by proxy, but not psychopaths and narcissists do kill people. I also meant that not all psychopaths kill outright, but it came off as “psychopaths don’t kill”.

        “What I meant by we give them too much attention is this. Victims often times make it their new purpose to find out everything they can about the narcissist. Why he does what he does, is he covert, malignant, somatic, …. Who cares?? What good is it doing for you?? If you learn everything about them you’ll be able to protect yourself? There is a limit.”

        I agree with this greatly.

        Yeah, sorry about my mess of a observation/comment there, I remember typing it when I was sleepy or something. But other than that, we were talking and agreeing on the same things.

        Like

  9. So it’s now four years since I was discarded like a piece of paper being flushed down the toilet. During the high days of my ex, he was a wealthy business man who apparently was a Scientologist. Damn drunk is rumored to have returned to California compound to help them run their facility. He’s the shell of his youthful rich self. I hope they locked him in a dungeon with no windows. Bitter? Not much . Amused ? Definitely.

    Like

  10. Spot on! And sad knowing the 2 narcissists I know will never be able to recover with any kind of help ( my father and my brother ). I have watched them abuse people my whole life as well as abuse me. I never understood it until now. Thank you for this Carrie.

    Like

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