His New Relationship Has Lasted-He Must Have Changed

A narcissist can be extremely dedicated to proving his last victim must have been the one at fault. If the relationship lasted 10 yrs he will make sure the next relationship lasts 10 years and one month.

Does this sound familiar? For how ever long you were together was there things you wanted to do, places you wanted to see, interests you had; that he simply would not do? And now with the new woman he is doing them all!! They are taking that trip you always wanted to take, he has started cooking when he couldn’t even boil water while with you. He never took your feelings into consideration but now he is mister empathy with her.

I recall one conversation we had after we had split and I wanted him to help me with something. He had NEVER worried about hurting My feelings with ex’s but all of a sudden he’s telling me that he doesn’t really think it would be right for him to spend time with me. He looked me in the eye with a concerned look on his face, “Imagine how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. You wouldn’t be happy.”

WTF!!?? Imagine how she feels?!!

There are things he has changed. I don’t know if he’s ever hit her but I kinda saved her from the physical abuse because she knows I accused him of physical abuse, he couldn’t be physical without her knowing it had happened before and is a pattern. There were alot of things he had to change just to prove I was a liar.

I know it hasn’t been a bed of roses and they’ve had problems, they never did get married and she doesn’t even wear her ring any more. But! It doesn’t matter.

Something I finally came to realize that helped me alot to move on was this:

How he treats her has nothing to do with me. I was miserably unhappy with him, he treated me like shit and it never got better, only worse. I was afraid he’d end up killing me and I was a shell of the person I used to be. I had compromised my values and standards to the point I didn’t even respect myself and nothing I had ever done had made it any better. I couldn’t change any more than I had and when I looked back at the way I had handled situations I couldn’t honestly say I would do anything different except I would have left sooner.

I had been angry he had personal ads, if that happened now I would just leave the relationship, not try to fix it. If a man didn’t show up for Christmas dinner with family without so much as a phone call, I wouldn’t listen to a bunch of excuses; I’d just say goodbye.

So if the new woman is able to tolerate him longer,if her standards are lower than mine, or if she has more money and can give him more things materially so he sticks around longer; that’s their relationship and good luck to her. I was not able to do that.

The secret to a happy relationship is not molding yourself into being what the other person wants it’s being with someone who values and cherishes you for who you are. Someone who isn’t constantly comparing you to someone else, finding fault, twisting your words, misunderstanding you, and thinks you are too anything.

And if he thinks you are too sensitive, then he should be with you if he can’t adjust his way of treating you. If you know something bothers the person you love, you stop doing it and if you can’t stop doing it, then obviously it is more important to you than the person and you need to walk away. Everyone has their own boundaries and deal breakers. One woman might not mind her man going to strippers, but a different woman might get enraged, it doesn’t mean one is right and one is wrong, but the man has to choose if strippers are more important than the woman, not lie about it.

So stop obsessing about the new woman and his new relationship. Reframe how you view it. Don’t think in terms of you weren’t/aren’t good enough, instead, is he good enough for you? was/is he capable of making you happy? Not his potential to make you happy if only he would………… (fill in the blank, but the truth.

In 2020, try to see the world around you honestly, with 20/20 vision and not through rose tinted glasses.

6 thoughts on “His New Relationship Has Lasted-He Must Have Changed

  1. Helen

    Thank you Carrie enjoyed reading your article. I ended up marrying my Narc. if he is one. The bit you commented on about not showing interest if you come up with something rang a bell. If its his idea, great we do it or go. Whats confusing though he isn’t always like that. I am sure he doesn’t because he wants to stir the pot so I get angry or upset. I have known him for many years off and on so I have gotten use to him now. I take no notice much what comes out of his mouth unless its something important or good if its game playing I just change the subject or tell him I have to go. He has an ex wife he divorced and she moved into our town and lives just around the corner, she was hoping he would remarry her. He was never going to do that. He says she was a friend he should of never married….oh, she was angry when she heard that. But she messages him on messenger tells him all what she does or planning on what doing, asks about us, he tells her we are good, she gets angry and blasts him. I spoke to him yesterday telling him by him responding to her in her head is giving her hope (she thinks we wont last) she will end up being a lonely old woman with nothing and all alone….Do you think he listens. Pity she just doesn’t put her self first and move on to something else. She tells him ” you really don’t want me to go out with some one else” he tells her go, find happiness. Sure I am annoyed with all this but its something they have to deal with…I just tell him he is not fair on her…..he likes to be the nice person or show he is….Happy New Year to you Carrie and others

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Narcissists love triangulation. Keeping an ex on the hook. He is purposely keeping her on the hook as a standby and even if you don’t realize it, it keeps you on your toes at the same time. You think, “he can’t be that bad if she wants him back.” And you know if you push him too far he will just go back to her.
      And you are right, he is not being fair to her OR you.
      He tells you that he tells her that you and him are happy and she gets angry, which feeds your ego. No matter what you say, even if it is supliminal, it gives you a little boost to your ego that you have him and she doesn’t.
      I have been there, and I hated to admit it, but I liked being the “chosen one”.
      I find it rather sad that you are married to a man who you “take no notice much what comes out of his mouth”.
      Pity she doesn’t put herself first and move on. I think it’s a pity he is playing both of you like puppets.
      And it isn’t something they have to deal with. The minute you committing to him and he married you him having another woman, an ex, he continues to communicate with makes it your business. A normal person doesn’t do that.
      A have an ex that always wanted me back, he continued to contact me even after I told him it was not going to happen. He is married to some other woman and was still telling me he would take me back in a heart beat. I told him his new wife wouldn’t appreciate the way he was talking and it was very disrespectful to her, then I blocked him on Messenger and FB.
      Normal, kind, and honest people don’t lead on other people.
      All the best in 2020. Take off the rose colored glasses.

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      1. Helen

        Thank you Carrie for your wise words. I was once married to normal man who did all the right things never had to think what is he up to. My now husband has issues and he admits at times he is mental. Some is from his child hood and the other is dealing with genetic disease that came from his first wife and three of his adult children have, one has died and the other are late stage which is enough to make you go mad.Most of the time he is good to me its only when he gets depressed or is stressed or something that goes wrong he feels like picking on me as a joke… I know the symptoms so I just take no notice give him a look walk away…..he leaves me a lone…he wants me to argue or fight him…I refuse it…Regarding to his ex, I wish I knew the real truth….she seems to have joined in some clubs, how much they email I have no idea. No romance there on his side and I think she hangs on incase we don’t work out…..I believe its wrong to keep in touch with an ex if you have remarried…..then I read some people keep friends even if they have another partner…my ex and I are friends of sorts because we have children….but we dont chat as friends its not fair on him as he might think I want him back and he is letting me go so I can get on my life. I have been putting my foot down on my now husband and instead me showing I am insecure about his ex…I just say he is not letting her go to find some one else when he keeps replying….he doesn’t sleep around….he is right now with my grand daughter on his pc amusing her on some thing she wants to watch ( she is 11). Some of his signs are, it all about him, needs to be nice and wants to please to make him feel good. What he use to do is build me up then flatten me in the same sentence…he doesn’t do that any more…or say , you go and look up a holiday when I have it all planned he changes his mind…he has stopped that now. He is a controller but so am I and he has eased off that as well. Very confusing.

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