Parent Alienation

You don’t have to be a narcissist to be be guilty of parent alienation, you just have to be a bad parent. So many times parents in their bitterness feel it is necessary to “get the kids on their side”. Or they talk to their children like they are friends or their therapist. Why they do this, I don’t know; looking for sympathy? A need to vent? To make the other parent look bad? Bitterness? I suppose they think they have a good reason but very rarely is it a good idea or does it end well for the parent doing the trash talking. It usually bites them in the ass.

The children get so sick of hearing all this shit about the other parent they start to look at the complaining parent more critically.

And for those of you who think a child needs to know the truth, unless their lives are in danger; you are wrong. A child will grow up and find out for themselves what the other parent is about. They don’t need you stirring the pot and it makes you look like the bitter ex out for revenge.

It is far more to your advantage to focus on being the best parent you can be and not even mention the other parent except in passing. Ie: “your dad is picking you up tomorrow.”

NOT: “your SOB father is supposed to pick you up tomorrow, but hell probably be a no show, AGAIN!”

If the other parent is a bad parent your children will figure it out all on their own. Your responsibility is to be a healthy reliable and supportive parent who shows up with a smile.

It doesn’t mean lying to cover for the bad parent/narcissist in order to protect the child. It means handling each situation as it comes with honesty and compassion. For example: “I understand you are feeling hurt because daddy didn’t show up for sports day. I am sorry your dad disappointed you.”

If your ex immediately finds his “true love” after you break up, (a classic narcissist move) and your children come home and tell you all about the fun they had with daddy and the new woman; the absolutely worst thing you can do is go on a tirade about what a bastard he is and the new woman is a stupid bitch. To say anything negative at all is going to only reinforce what your ex is saying – that you are a bitter, psycho bitch.

Your ex knows the kids are going to come home and expound on how much fun they had, he is abusing you by proxy and you can not react and give him the reward he wants.

Just keep in mind that the longer he can get a reaction out of you the longer he is able to keep the act going with the new woman. Give him the rope and let him hang himself, he will do it on his own. Trust that history repeats itself and he is not capable of true lasting change.

Normal healthy people get divorced, and normal loving people can turn ugly when dealing with an ex. Both parents have to keep reminding themselves that the only innocent victims are the children. They had no choice in parents, they have no choice about the divorce, they have no control, and their lives are turned upside down. It is up to the parents to put their ego aside, their needs and wants and focus on what is truly best for the children.

Let’s raise healthy children and not play silly games.

Just my thoughts for today, as we enter the final week of domestic abuse awareness month.

2 thoughts on “Parent Alienation

  1. Rachel Beal

    Hello. I been following you for a couple of years now. Thank you I know God used your to help me. 23 years 4 kids and it almost killed me. My struggle is he has turned so many ppl against me it’s overwhelming we are from NY now residing in NC. I have no family or friends due to this situationship. Our kids are grown yet he still has the power. Recovery addict gets more love and respect than the parent who held everything down. Am 48 and alone and still hurt. Oh he left me for another woman after I was told I needed to get tested for HIV

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Rachel, I feel for you. I was lucky we never had kids together but he destroyed my business and I had to walk away from anyone who was friends with both of us. I have absolutely no friends who know him or have contact with him. If they are friends of his, they aren’t friends of mine. As painful as that is, it is the only way to ensure he couldn’t continue to hurt me.
      He knows he can still get to you through your kids over and he feeds off of that.
      How long has it been since you split? Did you HIV test? So if you had to test, the new woman is the one at risk of contracting HIV.
      The only thing I can suggest to help you is to refuse to discuss him with anyone, even your kids. You need to get on with your life and you won’t heal as long as you are hearing what he is doing. Your kids are old enough to understand that and not discuss him with you.
      Take up a new hobby and make new friends. I had no one when I left and I still have very few friends but I keep busy rebuilding my life, loving my dog and enjoying the peace and stability of my new life.
      It isn’t easy but worth the effort.
      When you take control of your own happiness you will notice people will treat you better.
      Love and hugs to you ❤️

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