Ten Year Anniversary

Ten years ago, I put everything I owned on my flat deck and drove away from the hell hole I had shared with my ex, with my little buddy, Kato, riding shot gun.

I was able to pull enough money together to insure my truck for one day. My ex had all but destroyed my truck but I was able to limp it to my friend’s trailer. She had arranged for me to stay in her neighbor’s trailer while he was working in Alberta. I had an almost full pack of smokes and $5 and as I drove away I felt defeated, empty and hopeless. I wasn’t filled with anger, fear or sadness; just numb, emotionless, no hate, no hope.

I pulled in the driveway and she came out of the trailer and stood in the driveway. I got out of my truck and she said, “I owe you an apology. Its alot worse than I thought.”

I asked what she meant and she said, “It’s probably best if you just go in and look for yourself. I’ll be in my trailer if you want to talk.”

I walked through the door and felt like someone punch me in the guts. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was worse than any crack house I’d ever seen. There was shit piled every where, pizza boxes with rock hard pizza still inside, pots with food past the point of decay sat on the counter. Tobacco brown streaks ran down the walls, the roof had leaked and the insulation and wiring hung from the ceiling, there was a dim single light bulb hanging from the ceiling. I wove myself through the piles of garbage, it was dank, depressing, and defeating.

What the hell was I going to do? I couldn’t live there! Where was I going to go? Just turn around and go back to my ex? Maybe I could get back there before he even got home from work and he wouldn’t know I ever left.

I went over to my friend’s trailer, she looked stricken, “I am so sorry. I really didn’t know it was that bad. What are you going to do?”

I was numb, it had taken everything I had to load up my stuff and drive there, I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t give my ex the satisfaction. I had enough pride left or maybe was just too tired; to turn around and go back. I wanted to sleep, I couldn’t make any decisions.

So I chose to stay the night and see how I felt in the morning. Kato and I went back to the trailer. I knew he needed to eat. He was my faithful little buddy, where ever I was, he was by my side. I didn’t want him catching something off the couch or carpets, so I threw a blanket over the couch, sat down and patted the spot beside me. He jumped up and laid his head on my lap. A year ran down my cheek and landed on his head. He looked up at me, questioning me with his eyes. “It’s ok Pook-a-roo, we’ll be ok.” He put his head back down on my lap and I leaned against his body. I didn’t take my coat or boots off, too afraid of what might crawl on us as we slept.

I woke up a few hours later with a kink in my neck and a hole in my heart. I weighed my options:

I knew I couldn’t go back, I knew if I went crawling back my ex would make my life hell, worse than ever, it was November and only going to get colder, I couldn’t sleep in my truck, I had no money. I took a better look at the trailer in the light of day, opened the curtains and walked from room to room. It made my skin crawl. The bathroom made me gag. The floor was peeling up around the edges, around the toilet was urine stained and peppered with cigarette burn marks. The whole house was full of garbage, I was surprised I didn’t see any sign of rats, yet.

I was able to make a few bucks and bought cleaning supplies, 6 pairs of rubber gloves, and a scrub brush. For the next 2 days I worked nonstop cleaning. I wore 2 pairs of rubber gloves one inside the other and spent 6 hours cleaning the bathroom.

I did a whole post on this years ago with a bunch of pictures, before and after, so won’t go into it now.

I thought I wanted to die, I thought I couldn’t survive. I sat for days staring into space. I had to remind myself to blink, breath. I even thought maybe I could just forget to breath and die.

Every single day I thought,”I can’t do this one more day”. But I would get through the day, wake up the next morning, and do it again. For 722 days, then someone called me strong. And I looked at it through a different lens. I thought I was weak but I made it through all those days, and I became a survivor, not a victim any more.

The secret to healing and moving on is to change your mindset; instead of playing the victim, where he controls your pain, happiness, and self worth, think of yourself as a survivor, no longer controlled by the narcissist.

Believe it or not, I lived in way worse places than this place. Mainly because I didn’t go no contact and my ex continued to destroy me. Even when I went no contact I didn’t hide well enough and he found me and did everything he could to destroy me, for 5 yrs.

I look back now and can’t believe I ever loved him or thought I couldn’t live without him. You may not think you can either or that you need another man to get you through this. All you need is you. Take this time to get to know the real you and live true to that person. That is all any of us need. Love to you all. ❤️

4 thoughts on “Ten Year Anniversary

  1. Ellebelle2015

    I don’t know if it is a happy anniversary, but you made it through the 10 years. It was a big struggle. For me after 7 years I cannot say if I am happy. Afterall all the things you had in mind, had to change. Not even speak about the financial matters. I cannot explain what I mean because I am Dutch. I am not so depressed anymore, but sometimes I am. I think something is broken because of the experiences we had. And it will always be there. Time heals all wounds, but is that really so? All the best Carrie. xxxxxx

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Ellebelle, I don’t think a person ever truly heals after a narcissist, the damage they do to a person’s life is so extensive. I think the most a person can do is accept their life and make their future the best it can be. Stop lamenting what could have been, because none of us know what the future holds. To keep imagining what our life would have been like if we hadn’t met the narcissist does us no good. No one knows, but you can bet we imagine it would have been so much better.
      Yes, I had more material possessions, I had more friends, I had my health but I don’t know how my life would have been if I hadn’t met him. My son was going through a bad time, I don’t know how I would have handled it had I not been with my ex. My mom sold my house out from under me, I think things would have been so different if she hadn’t done that because it made me so dependent on the narcissist. But what is done, is done, and it only makes me unhappy to imagine how good my life could have, should have, been.
      Like I told my son, when he said my ex ruined my life.
      No, he ruined a portion of my life, what I do with the rest of my life is up to me.
      Fixing up my little, leaky trailer and making it feel like home has given me as much pleasure as I got when I fixed up my big home. Maybe even more gratification because I did it with no money, hard work and creativity.
      The self reflection, and living true to my core self has given me such inner peace, I wouldn’t change the past if it meant I would have to give that up.
      Believe me, I can go on a pity trip sometimes, can’t we all, no matter how good our life is. When my life was going really good, before I met my ex, I always had things to worry about. I wasn’t confident, I was always filled with self doubt. I certainly didn’t appreciate myself for who I truly am and no one else did either.
      I no longer let anyone tell me who I am or who I should be and people like me for me and I don’t feel guilty if I say no, I live my authentic life. No one can ever take that away from me.
      Some wounds are meant to open us up enough to find our true self. How deep those wounds are depends on how deeply your true core self is buried.

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