Getting Back In The Dating Pool

I always advise waiting at least a year, or more, before even thinking about dating again, and the victim of narc abuse should take time to heal before they jump back into the dating pool.

The saying, “The best way to get over a guy, is to get under another guy” may work with some relationships but a break up with a narc is a totally different ball game.

If you don’t take the time to heal, you end up carrying a bunch of baggage into the next relationship. Packing alot of painful baggage, which includes; low self esteem, suspicion, paranoia, defensiveness, sensitivity, and anger, is a guarantee you will either:

A. Scare away a decent guy

B. Attract another narcissist

This Mathew Hussey video explains it in a way that makes sense.

You think you are just “being honest”, “protecting yourself”, being proactive, and taking control of your life and happiness. When in actual fact, advertising you have been hurt in the past is not going to make an asshole think, “Oh gee, this girls been hurt in the past, I better not date her because I don’t want to hurt her” , she’s been hurt too much already.”

Narcissists get off deception, hooking the victim, destroying their victim and discarding her.

A good guy doesn’t want to pay for the sins of the last half dozen guys who hurt you. He doesn’t want to deal with your fears, suspicions, jealousy, and anger. And why should he have to tolerate your baggage and insecurities. No one likes drama, narcissists thrive on it, you have gotten so accustomed to drama in your life, until you are healed, you will create drama just because it’s been part of your life for so long and you have come to expect it. The narcissist was so deceptive, a pathological liar, cheater, and manipulative; you didn’t know what to trust. So the next guy acts totally normal and is being honest, yet ends up defending himself, jumping through hoops and dealing with drama trying to prove he is not like your ex. Hardly fair, right?

Watch this video before heading back into the world of dating.

https://fb.watch/v/1cr-m8pcf/

3 thoughts on “Getting Back In The Dating Pool

  1. bluegal62

    It took me a long time after the discard, and lots of reflection, time and self care to learn this. Married July/1999, we started the hopscotch on/off again, every 5 years since the final discard in 2012 and I went radio silent from that point, kicked him out for good.

    Dated someone a year later, still married but not yet divorced, didnt work out that was the end of 2013. 2014 I Had an online r/s with a younger guy, great conversation, romantic, but I started noticing some narc tendencies like always having lots of women friends, and not enough male friends. I had been hesitant about meeting him IRL, but, my gut was telling me, he’s a user. Broke up, or, ended our internet connection in 2018.

    2015 my divorce was final, the greatest thing I felt was freedom, despite loosing every thing I ever owned. I had no roof over my head, $10k in my bank account(given to me by the mortgage company to vacate my home because narc never paid the mortgage and it was foreclosed on) I hadnt dated again since ending my online r/s in 2018, so in theory, I tested the waters but never really dated IRL since 2014 and discovered I need to recalibrate my radar, and set some standards, for real, for me and my sanity. Deep down, even 9 years after discard, I know Im not ready for dating. And Im in no rush either, but, it would be nice someday.

    I also am starting to realize I think I suffer from anxiety and depression. I had been denying it for so long, and really just afraid to admit it. Another reason why dating is a no-go for me. I really need to get it together, and get me together.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Good for you! I think so often women get their sense of worth from having a man and their identity from the man. Once you realize who you are and appreciate who you are, you lose the need for a man. Then it becomes, “it would be nice to be in a relationship, but I don’t need a man “.

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      1. bluegal62

        No truer words have ever been spoken. I remember how empty I felt every time the narc and I ‘broke up’ for months and years at a time. I knew he was dipping in everything he could find, or better definition, whoever he roped into his BS. I just kept texting him and hoping he would rethink things. He never did. But I had to, rethink things, rethink the lesson I was teaching my psyche each time I dwelled on him, knowing he could care less about our relationship, each time he humiliated me and my kids, smeared me, was irresponsible. Yet, in all that, I had to seriously rethink, why in the hell would I want that, and believe thats love?
        You’re right, when I finally realized that losing him was a gain for me, all that toxic thinking stopped. I know I could go on and be the better for it, I just had to believe that as the reality for everything it truly is, and compare it to the reality of what I was getting with the narc. There truly was no comparison. I broke down in tears wondering, how did I allow myself to get this far and so deep? But I am glad those feelings are starting to wane now.

        Liked by 1 person

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