30 Red Flags You Might Be Dating A Narcissist

RedFlags

How many red flags do you need in order to run away and save yourself?

1 red flagOne red flag? Ten red flags? How about an army of red flags?

 

100 red flags

 

 

 

Well, let me give you a few, 30 to be exact; dead give-aways you are dating a Narcissist.  By themselves they don’t scream “Run for cover” , especially if you have no experience with a narcissist, but if you have half a dozen of these red flags you need to run away as fast as you can and if you can’t bring yourself to dump him because you think he is an exception to the rule and you don’t believe me; at least slow things down. Time will tell, his mask will drop, that is why he is pushing for commitment, he wants to hook you before you see the real person under the facade. If he is what he says he is, it will show over time and he won’t mind waiting. True love does not fade the longer you date, it grows stronger. Do not move in because you don’t want to lose him, if he is as sweet as he pretends to be waiting will not be a problem.

* disclaimer: Once again I refer to the narcissist as “he” but these red flags hold true for women also.

So here they are……. 30 Red Flags You Are Dating a Narcissist

1.red flag The biggest number one without fail sign of a narcissist is how they sweep you off your feet at the beginning of the relationship. They fall in love very quickly, they have never loved anyone like they love you, and you are perfect in their eyes. They have so many of the same interests, love everything you love, wine and dine you, they can’t get enough of you, more than likely it is the most romantic relationship you have ever had.

red flag2. He seems too good to be true. A narcissist is a con artist and when he finds his “target” he morphs into his “Good Self” and becomes the epitome of the perfect lover/partner.

red flag3. He wants to know everything about you, is very interested in learning about your childhood, your hopes and dreams, your past relationships. He will reveal a few of his indiscretions and weaknesses so you feel safe being open and honest with him. He wants to get to know you alright, just not for the reason you think. He is arming his arsenal with ammo for later down the road to use against you. By sharing some of his faults he makes you think he is honest, why would he lie about something insignificant when he was so honest about that?

red flag4.  They are seldom alone for long, and will still be in a relationship or just leaving one, they will say the relationship was over long ago but their ex won’t let go, they feel responsible for them etc. My ex said that when he left one of his ex’s she shouldn’t have been surprised because they hadn’t slept together for months prior. I thought yeah, who wouldn’t know the relationship was over if you aren’t sleeping together. (That is until he stopped sleeping with me a year or 2 into the relationship and kept telling me he loved me and I was being overly sensitive and paranoid)

red flag5. Appears to make friends easily, but doesn’t have any long time friends.

red flag6. “Shows you off” to everyone he knows. Taking you to mutual friends of his ex’s, (if possible he will use you are a pawn to hurt his ex.) Quickly takes you to meet the family. Plasters pictures of the two of you all over his Facebook (he knows his ex will be checking his FB and he wants twist the knife in her heart). It is one thing if a guy introduces you to his friends but it is another thing if he purposely shows you off in ways that it will get back to his ex. A decent person does not purposely hurt their ex and if he expects you to participate in vengeful acts against his ex it is a dead give-away that someday you will find yourself in the same boat.

red flag7. Very forceful sexually and wants sex within the first date or two, barely taking no for an answer. I remember our 3rd date and I walked through the door at his place and he immediately tried to get me into bed, I almost walked out but I didn’t listen to my “gut” and stayed and we did make love. In the beginning he was highly sexual, wanting sex often, 2-3 times a day everyday.

red flag8. They are either between jobs or just started a new job and quite possibly new to town. They tend to move around a lot, that way they don’t have to worry about their past biting them in the ass.

red flag9. They have nothing, except excuses why they have nothing (it is always someone else’s fault, i.e.: they left it all with the ex, the ex took it all, or some other hard luck story.

red flag10. Their ex’s are all paranoid, psycho bitches who falsely accused them of cheating, called him cheap, didn’t appreciate all he did for them and even were physically abusive to them. If he has an ex who is calling and distraught over their breakup and he tells you she has fatal attraction, he is trying to get rid of her and you witness him not answering his phone, not returning texts, and he says he is afraid of what she will do, that she is spreading lies about him and stalking him and he is afraid she will tell you lies about him; do NOT assume she is a psycho and sorry she lost him. If all his ex’s are psycho bitches think about this, ” He is attracted to psycho bitches or he turns women into psycho bitches, either way HE has a problem.”

red flag11. In his past relationships, at work, even with his family he is always doing all the work, the only one putting in an effort, he is holding the company together or the relationship.

red flag12. Changes jobs many times, gets bored easily, accused of stealing, someone at work is jealous of him and lying about him. It. Is. Always. Someone. else’s. fault. Always!

red flag13. Past accomplishments or experiences that are just a little too far-fetched or too good to be true. To read his resume or hear about his life it all sounds just a little (or a lot) far-fetched. He is larger than life, done so much.

red flag14. If you discuss past relationships and he is asked about fidelity he will tearfully admit to having ONE indiscretion, and it was only because his ex was so jealous and was always “falsely” accusing him anyway and he did it and then felt so bad. (Leaving you to believe he will be faithful with YOU as long as you don’t falsely accuse him) Whatever went wrong was not his fault, he was the victim, misunderstood. He might even tearfully admit to hitting his ex, but once again it will be tearfully and he was driven to it by her psychotic rages.

red flag15. He is so good-natured you can’t imagine him getting angry about anything and he will tell you how much he hates conflict. (Of course his ex was always causing conflict, she bitched at him incessantly about small stuff and brought up things from the past and that is what drove him away, he is planting the seed; he might as well come right out and say; don’t confront me on anything I do because I hate conflict and I will leave you or hit you and some day down the road he will accuse you of being “just like the rest of them”)

red flag16. More than likely he appears almost naive and helpless, and makes you feel like you want to take care of him.

red flag17. I felt that he loved me more than I loved him, I almost felt at an unfair advantage.

red flag18. He insisted he wanted to “take care” of me; I made a conscious effort to let my guard down, not be so independent and let him do things for me. It is a HUGE boost to his ego to take an independent self-sufficient woman and make her dependent on him. DO NOT give up your independence, it starts slowly, he will sabotage your vehicle, get you fired, ask you to quit work or go into business with him. Once you lose your job you are dependent on him and it is so much harder to get away.

red flag19. Very early in the relationship he talks in “we” terms, saying things like are “we” going to take the car or the truck (not your car or mine), or let’s go back to “our” place, subtle little things that make you a “couple”. He talks about the future with you in it, in subtle ways, he might even propose early, but whether or not he proposes he makes it clear that he wants you in his life in the future and is not afraid of commitment.

red flag20. Very early he will do things for you that secure his position in your life, fixing your car, buying memory for your computer, giving you something expensive of his to keep for him, somehow making you indebted to him or get you pregnant, ensuring that you can’t just walk away.

red flag21. They will often let a little tid bit of truth slip out but you may miss it if you are not aware. Almost like he is giving you a warning. He was a very attentive lover but told me in past relationships he hadn’t worried about the woman and just basically climbed on top and worried about his own satisfaction. (that is the way it became after time with us also, and he only was attentive to my needs if he was trying to win me back)His ex’s thought he was unfaithful but he was always faithful, his ex’s said he was moody but he seems so easy-going, His ex’s called him cheap but he seems so generous.

red flag22. Early in the relationship he will ask you to do a “favor” for him or run an errand, maybe even pick up his paycheck for him, something that puts you in the position of his partner or significant other and it makes you feel special that he would ask you. (BIG HOOK, he is testing you)

red flag23. Insists on sleeping snuggled up all night and points it out to you, how he has never been able to sleep wrapped up with someone like that before. In his past relationships they would roll over and go to sleep but with you it is different. He will point out that how people sleep is an indication of how “connected” they are. (He is setting you up for when down the road he punishes you by refusing to come to bed or sleeps on the other side of the bed not touching you all night)

red flag24. He will borrow a small sum of money and pay you right back (proving you can trust him so when he goes for the BIG bucks you won’t doubt that he’ll pay you back) Usually they are in financial trouble of some kind, all he needs is a little help to get back on his feet. It is always someone else’s fault he is broke, he is always on the verge of a windfall.

red flag25. Tests your reaction to situations. ie: We met at the end of November so were entering a very social time of year. Our staff parties were on the same night and we agreed to go to my dinner and then his for the dancing and partying, but we never made it to my party. In fact the weather had turned really bad, a snow storm, and he said he didn’t want to drive in it so I called and told work I wouldn’t be able to make it. Shortly after I made the call he wanted to drive to the store, but once we were on the road he drove directly to his staff party making it sound like he was surprised the roads weren’t as bad as he thought and we might as well drop by his staff party seeing as we were out anyway. (I was not impressed; I was in jeans because I hadn’t gotten my party clothes on or any makeup, because I wasn’t supposed to be going to a party! He on the other hand was freshly showered, always wore jeans anyway and had a nice shirt on) I told him I didn’t want to go, I wasn’t dressed for it and he just said I was beautiful as I was and that we wouldn’t stay long he just wanted to say hi to a few buddies. We ended up staying most of the night and I felt uncomfortable because I was under dressed and he was the life of the party.

red flag26. His description of relationships with family or friends don’t fit what you experience. For example he would say he was really close friends with someone but when I met them they seemed to barely know him. Then we went to his family for New Years Eve, (he had told me he was adopted and had just met his biological family a few years earlier and moved from Sask. To BC to be with them) he had told me how great they were, welcoming, warm and fun-loving people and how much they all loved him. But we got there and I immediately felt an undercurrent, an elephant in the room that no one was really talking about but every one was walking around. There seemed to be distrust of my ex, animosity that I couldn’t put my finger on; later he told me that his mother had thought I was too clingy and had been jealous. He told me that he used to visit the family every weekend and call his mom several times a day and since meeting me he had stopped and it bothered his mom, but she would get over it. His one full blood sister got drunk and started telling me that my ex was a real asshole. I didn’t want to hear it, I have never taken what someone says to heart when they are drinking, but I suppose I should have listened.

red flag27. You catch him in lies but he says you “misunderstood” what he said example: During our first few dates he had told me he had a house in Sechelt full of furniture and that is why he had no furniture in his apartment in Ladner. Our first conversation was over the phone and he had told me he was looking at the ocean as we spoke, making it sound like he was in his house. So when we went for New Years I was surprised we were staying at his mother’s house. When I said I thought you told me you owed a house in Sechelt he told me that I had misunderstood, that he HAD a rent to own agreement on a house but when he moved to Ladner he gave it up and his furniture was stored in his step-dad’s shop. I found out the truth much later; he had rented a house in Sechelt with a couple of other guys and got evicted because he didn’t pay the rent, and he had no furniture. He had gotten heavily into Coke, been stealing from the family, was involved with a local married woman who was the town slut and every one in town was talking about it, he was in trouble with the police for excessive noise and racing in town and got his sister into drugs, got fired from the job his step-dad had gotten him and been kicked out of mother and step-dad’s house. He had gone to the mainland to a drug rehab and was just starting to rebuild the family relationship. I never would have gone if I would have known all the sordid details, no wonder I felt uncomfortable! I never did see any furniture and later he said it got stolen or something feeble like that.

red flag28. Very early in the relationship he calls you by a pet name, Babe or Baby seems to be a popular choice. My ex called me Babe on our second date and I thought it sounded cheesy, but it didn’t take long and I loved being called Babe, he said it with a softness to his voice, it gave me butterflies. This has a dual purpose for him, one he doesn’t have to remember your name or worry about calling you by the wrong name and two, later in the relationship he will stop calling you Babe and it will cut like a knife and plant insecurity in your heart.

red flag29. If you find yourself thinking, “He has so much potential. All he needs is a good woman to believe in him.” RUN!!!!

red flag30. He will say he loves you early in the relationship, he has never met a woman like you, you are different from any woman he has ever known, you are special, he can be himself with you, he thought he was in love before but now he knows what real love feels like. You are soul mates, the ying to his yang. You feel he is your soul mate, you have never felt this kind of connection with someone, no one has ever loved you so completely just the way you are, unconditionally and you are determined to show him how much you love and appreciate him. You cannot believe your good fortune to have met this wonderful man.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and he was being so sweet and I really honestly trusted him implicitly, he had been “honest” about some pretty unflattering things about himself, why would he be honest about that and lie about some other things? So I accepted that I had misunderstood what he had said, or accepted his feeble explanations for discrepancies in his story.

 

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189 thoughts on “30 Red Flags You Might Be Dating A Narcissist

  1. Rosie Frolick

    I’d add two to these:-
    31 – Having no real sense of humour or a childish bully one. They either don’t get jokes or only find it funny when they can manipulate people into making fools of themselves. Spiking drinks, feeding people false information, that sort of teen bully thing. The narc that I’m currently trying to rid myself of once showed me how he could force people to walk backwards at a party. He did this by standing too close, pretending to listen to what they were saying, so that they would take an involuntary step back from him. He’d then step forward again. He claimed he could steer them anyway he wanted and proudly showed me a whole host of other ‘body language’ tricks he used to ‘puppet’ people. I should have dumped him there and then.
    32 – Taking ordinary life events as a personal insult. Stuck in traffic? Well, we all find it annoying. N’s tend to react as if everyone in the queue came out today purposely to thwart them. No parking spaces? Ditto. Or, like my N Mother-in-Law, offer up a little prayer – because, of course, they are so important that God has nothing better to do than make sure they don’t have to walk too far to the supermarket. Annoyingly, she often finds a space. Busy waitress forgets part of your order? You know she’s overworked and accept her apology. The N knows the ‘stupid’ girl came to work today for no other reason than to be ‘rude’ to them. (This comes up a lot on sites about narcissism and seems a bit of cliché – but I’ve never encountered a Narc who passed up the chance to be arrogant when dealing with service staff.)

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  3. Jennifer

    #3 is the one of the sickest ways my ex messed with me. He insisted we have a “meaningful talk” about everything about my past and ran it like an interrogation only to tell me he just wanted to be closer to me and was now more in love than ever and no one would ever hurt me again…fast forward a few years after he dumped me he used everything I told him to try to hurt me including past physical and sexual abuse I had shared to call me a whore and say I blamed others because I wanted to act like a whore. Thank goodness I had him figured out by then (I was dumped for finding out the truth about years of cheating, which he said was me violating his trust🙄) It’s the best feeling in the world to finally be free and know his insults can’t hurt me anymore

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  4. Ola

    Ha -are they all alike ? Sounds exactly like someone I was naive to be involved with for quite a few years on a part time bases ( he was gettiing ready to divorce …. yeah , right) . I counted 23 out of 30 red flags you described to be bang on !!! incredible. The only difference that the guy i fell for was also an executive in a large public company, intelligent and very manipulative so almost no one had a clue about the evil. Once he moved on to secure a new supply, 25 years younger Asian woman (he told me before he had a weakness for Asian) who was his low level new employee and i questioned him about it i became a liar, psycho and enemy. He denied everything insulting me. Eventually, I warned his new supply and she confined in me as she started to see some of the red flags. He was so confident of his superiority and bs that he was not even worried that his new relationship ( he is still married) could become the end of him in the company if she sued him for sexual harassment…. I hope for karma. Thank you for postng.

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  5. Kola

    Ha -are they all alike ? Sounds exactly like someone I was naive to be involved with for quite a few years on a on and off bases. ( he was gettiing ready to divorce …. yeah , right) . I counted 23 out of 30 red flags you described to be bang on !!! Incredible. The only difference that the guy I fell for was also an executive in a large company, intelligent and very manipulative so almost no one had a clue about the evil. Once he moved on to secure a new supply, 25 years younger Asian woman (he told me before he had a weakness for petite young women) who was his new employee and I questioned him about it, I became a liar, psycho and an enemy. He denied everything and insulted me. Eventually, I warned his new supply and she confined in me as she started to see some of the red flags. He was so confident of his superiority and bs that he was not even worried that his new relationship ( he is still married) could become the end of him in the company and famil, if she decided to sue him for sexual harassment…. I hope for karma. Thank you for posting.

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