30 Red Flags You Might Be Dating A Narcissist

RedFlags

How many red flags do you need in order to run away and save yourself?

1 red flagOne red flag? Ten red flags? How about an army of red flags?

 

100 red flags

 

 

 

Well, let me give you a few, 30 to be exact; dead give-aways you are dating a Narcissist.  By themselves they don’t scream “Run for cover” , especially if you have no experience with a narcissist, but if you have half a dozen of these red flags you need to run away as fast as you can and if you can’t bring yourself to dump him because you think he is an exception to the rule and you don’t believe me; at least slow things down. Time will tell, his mask will drop, that is why he is pushing for commitment, he wants to hook you before you see the real person under the facade. If he is what he says he is, it will show over time and he won’t mind waiting. True love does not fade the longer you date, it grows stronger. Do not move in because you don’t want to lose him, if he is as sweet as he pretends to be waiting will not be a problem.

* disclaimer: Once again I refer to the narcissist as “he” but these red flags hold true for women also.

So here they are……. 30 Red Flags You Are Dating a Narcissist

1.red flag The biggest number one without fail sign of a narcissist is how they sweep you off your feet at the beginning of the relationship. They fall in love very quickly, they have never loved anyone like they love you, and you are perfect in their eyes. They have so many of the same interests, love everything you love, wine and dine you, they can’t get enough of you, more than likely it is the most romantic relationship you have ever had.

red flag2. He seems too good to be true. A narcissist is a con artist and when he finds his “target” he morphs into his “Good Self” and becomes the epitome of the perfect lover/partner.

red flag3. He wants to know everything about you, is very interested in learning about your childhood, your hopes and dreams, your past relationships. He will reveal a few of his indiscretions and weaknesses so you feel safe being open and honest with him. He wants to get to know you alright, just not for the reason you think. He is arming his arsenal with ammo for later down the road to use against you. By sharing some of his faults he makes you think he is honest, why would he lie about something insignificant when he was so honest about that?

red flag4.  They are seldom alone for long, and will still be in a relationship or just leaving one, they will say the relationship was over long ago but their ex won’t let go, they feel responsible for them etc. My ex said that when he left one of his ex’s she shouldn’t have been surprised because they hadn’t slept together for months prior. I thought yeah, who wouldn’t know the relationship was over if you aren’t sleeping together. (That is until he stopped sleeping with me a year or 2 into the relationship and kept telling me he loved me and I was being overly sensitive and paranoid)

red flag5. Appears to make friends easily, but doesn’t have any long time friends.

red flag6. “Shows you off” to everyone he knows. Taking you to mutual friends of his ex’s, (if possible he will use you are a pawn to hurt his ex.) Quickly takes you to meet the family. Plasters pictures of the two of you all over his Facebook (he knows his ex will be checking his FB and he wants twist the knife in her heart). It is one thing if a guy introduces you to his friends but it is another thing if he purposely shows you off in ways that it will get back to his ex. A decent person does not purposely hurt their ex and if he expects you to participate in vengeful acts against his ex it is a dead give-away that someday you will find yourself in the same boat.

red flag7. Very forceful sexually and wants sex within the first date or two, barely taking no for an answer. I remember our 3rd date and I walked through the door at his place and he immediately tried to get me into bed, I almost walked out but I didn’t listen to my “gut” and stayed and we did make love. In the beginning he was highly sexual, wanting sex often, 2-3 times a day everyday.

red flag8. They are either between jobs or just started a new job and quite possibly new to town. They tend to move around a lot, that way they don’t have to worry about their past biting them in the ass.

red flag9. They have nothing, except excuses why they have nothing (it is always someone else’s fault, i.e.: they left it all with the ex, the ex took it all, or some other hard luck story.

red flag10. Their ex’s are all paranoid, psycho bitches who falsely accused them of cheating, called him cheap, didn’t appreciate all he did for them and even were physically abusive to them. If he has an ex who is calling and distraught over their breakup and he tells you she has fatal attraction, he is trying to get rid of her and you witness him not answering his phone, not returning texts, and he says he is afraid of what she will do, that she is spreading lies about him and stalking him and he is afraid she will tell you lies about him; do NOT assume she is a psycho and sorry she lost him. If all his ex’s are psycho bitches think about this, ” He is attracted to psycho bitches or he turns women into psycho bitches, either way HE has a problem.”

red flag11. In his past relationships, at work, even with his family he is always doing all the work, the only one putting in an effort, he is holding the company together or the relationship.

red flag12. Changes jobs many times, gets bored easily, accused of stealing, someone at work is jealous of him and lying about him. It. Is. Always. Someone. else’s. fault. Always!

red flag13. Past accomplishments or experiences that are just a little too far-fetched or too good to be true. To read his resume or hear about his life it all sounds just a little (or a lot) far-fetched. He is larger than life, done so much.

red flag14. If you discuss past relationships and he is asked about fidelity he will tearfully admit to having ONE indiscretion, and it was only because his ex was so jealous and was always “falsely” accusing him anyway and he did it and then felt so bad. (Leaving you to believe he will be faithful with YOU as long as you don’t falsely accuse him) Whatever went wrong was not his fault, he was the victim, misunderstood. He might even tearfully admit to hitting his ex, but once again it will be tearfully and he was driven to it by her psychotic rages.

red flag15. He is so good-natured you can’t imagine him getting angry about anything and he will tell you how much he hates conflict. (Of course his ex was always causing conflict, she bitched at him incessantly about small stuff and brought up things from the past and that is what drove him away, he is planting the seed; he might as well come right out and say; don’t confront me on anything I do because I hate conflict and I will leave you or hit you and some day down the road he will accuse you of being “just like the rest of them”)

red flag16. More than likely he appears almost naive and helpless, and makes you feel like you want to take care of him.

red flag17. I felt that he loved me more than I loved him, I almost felt at an unfair advantage.

red flag18. He insisted he wanted to “take care” of me; I made a conscious effort to let my guard down, not be so independent and let him do things for me. It is a HUGE boost to his ego to take an independent self-sufficient woman and make her dependent on him. DO NOT give up your independence, it starts slowly, he will sabotage your vehicle, get you fired, ask you to quit work or go into business with him. Once you lose your job you are dependent on him and it is so much harder to get away.

red flag19. Very early in the relationship he talks in “we” terms, saying things like are “we” going to take the car or the truck (not your car or mine), or let’s go back to “our” place, subtle little things that make you a “couple”. He talks about the future with you in it, in subtle ways, he might even propose early, but whether or not he proposes he makes it clear that he wants you in his life in the future and is not afraid of commitment.

red flag20. Very early he will do things for you that secure his position in your life, fixing your car, buying memory for your computer, giving you something expensive of his to keep for him, somehow making you indebted to him or get you pregnant, ensuring that you can’t just walk away.

red flag21. They will often let a little tid bit of truth slip out but you may miss it if you are not aware. Almost like he is giving you a warning. He was a very attentive lover but told me in past relationships he hadn’t worried about the woman and just basically climbed on top and worried about his own satisfaction. (that is the way it became after time with us also, and he only was attentive to my needs if he was trying to win me back)His ex’s thought he was unfaithful but he was always faithful, his ex’s said he was moody but he seems so easy-going, His ex’s called him cheap but he seems so generous.

red flag22. Early in the relationship he will ask you to do a “favor” for him or run an errand, maybe even pick up his paycheck for him, something that puts you in the position of his partner or significant other and it makes you feel special that he would ask you. (BIG HOOK, he is testing you)

red flag23. Insists on sleeping snuggled up all night and points it out to you, how he has never been able to sleep wrapped up with someone like that before. In his past relationships they would roll over and go to sleep but with you it is different. He will point out that how people sleep is an indication of how “connected” they are. (He is setting you up for when down the road he punishes you by refusing to come to bed or sleeps on the other side of the bed not touching you all night)

red flag24. He will borrow a small sum of money and pay you right back (proving you can trust him so when he goes for the BIG bucks you won’t doubt that he’ll pay you back) Usually they are in financial trouble of some kind, all he needs is a little help to get back on his feet. It is always someone else’s fault he is broke, he is always on the verge of a windfall.

red flag25. Tests your reaction to situations. ie: We met at the end of November so were entering a very social time of year. Our staff parties were on the same night and we agreed to go to my dinner and then his for the dancing and partying, but we never made it to my party. In fact the weather had turned really bad, a snow storm, and he said he didn’t want to drive in it so I called and told work I wouldn’t be able to make it. Shortly after I made the call he wanted to drive to the store, but once we were on the road he drove directly to his staff party making it sound like he was surprised the roads weren’t as bad as he thought and we might as well drop by his staff party seeing as we were out anyway. (I was not impressed; I was in jeans because I hadn’t gotten my party clothes on or any makeup, because I wasn’t supposed to be going to a party! He on the other hand was freshly showered, always wore jeans anyway and had a nice shirt on) I told him I didn’t want to go, I wasn’t dressed for it and he just said I was beautiful as I was and that we wouldn’t stay long he just wanted to say hi to a few buddies. We ended up staying most of the night and I felt uncomfortable because I was under dressed and he was the life of the party.

red flag26. His description of relationships with family or friends don’t fit what you experience. For example he would say he was really close friends with someone but when I met them they seemed to barely know him. Then we went to his family for New Years Eve, (he had told me he was adopted and had just met his biological family a few years earlier and moved from Sask. To BC to be with them) he had told me how great they were, welcoming, warm and fun-loving people and how much they all loved him. But we got there and I immediately felt an undercurrent, an elephant in the room that no one was really talking about but every one was walking around. There seemed to be distrust of my ex, animosity that I couldn’t put my finger on; later he told me that his mother had thought I was too clingy and had been jealous. He told me that he used to visit the family every weekend and call his mom several times a day and since meeting me he had stopped and it bothered his mom, but she would get over it. His one full blood sister got drunk and started telling me that my ex was a real asshole. I didn’t want to hear it, I have never taken what someone says to heart when they are drinking, but I suppose I should have listened.

red flag27. You catch him in lies but he says you “misunderstood” what he said example: During our first few dates he had told me he had a house in Sechelt full of furniture and that is why he had no furniture in his apartment in Ladner. Our first conversation was over the phone and he had told me he was looking at the ocean as we spoke, making it sound like he was in his house. So when we went for New Years I was surprised we were staying at his mother’s house. When I said I thought you told me you owed a house in Sechelt he told me that I had misunderstood, that he HAD a rent to own agreement on a house but when he moved to Ladner he gave it up and his furniture was stored in his step-dad’s shop. I found out the truth much later; he had rented a house in Sechelt with a couple of other guys and got evicted because he didn’t pay the rent, and he had no furniture. He had gotten heavily into Coke, been stealing from the family, was involved with a local married woman who was the town slut and every one in town was talking about it, he was in trouble with the police for excessive noise and racing in town and got his sister into drugs, got fired from the job his step-dad had gotten him and been kicked out of mother and step-dad’s house. He had gone to the mainland to a drug rehab and was just starting to rebuild the family relationship. I never would have gone if I would have known all the sordid details, no wonder I felt uncomfortable! I never did see any furniture and later he said it got stolen or something feeble like that.

red flag28. Very early in the relationship he calls you by a pet name, Babe or Baby seems to be a popular choice. My ex called me Babe on our second date and I thought it sounded cheesy, but it didn’t take long and I loved being called Babe, he said it with a softness to his voice, it gave me butterflies. This has a dual purpose for him, one he doesn’t have to remember your name or worry about calling you by the wrong name and two, later in the relationship he will stop calling you Babe and it will cut like a knife and plant insecurity in your heart.

red flag29. If you find yourself thinking, “He has so much potential. All he needs is a good woman to believe in him.” RUN!!!!

red flag30. He will say he loves you early in the relationship, he has never met a woman like you, you are different from any woman he has ever known, you are special, he can be himself with you, he thought he was in love before but now he knows what real love feels like. You are soul mates, the ying to his yang. You feel he is your soul mate, you have never felt this kind of connection with someone, no one has ever loved you so completely just the way you are, unconditionally and you are determined to show him how much you love and appreciate him. You cannot believe your good fortune to have met this wonderful man.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and he was being so sweet and I really honestly trusted him implicitly, he had been “honest” about some pretty unflattering things about himself, why would he be honest about that and lie about some other things? So I accepted that I had misunderstood what he had said, or accepted his feeble explanations for discrepancies in his story.

 

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235 Replies to “30 Red Flags You Might Be Dating A Narcissist”

  1. All true, only in my case it’s a she but she fits your red flags. I was aware of all this behavior from previous relationship disastrous, but still I was amazed as this current one was unfolding. So sad. But I’m starting to run as you advised. Thanks for your timely, clear article.

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    1. Wi Butler, you are welcome. Good luck! You know where to find us! Always here with a hug.
      and yes female N’s cause just as much pain and leave just as big a swath of devastation behind them as the men,

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  2. ah. he told me many times “you are my chance of a lifetime”…….he told me the woman he was involved with when he met me was “stalking” him…and the other ex girlfriend (the one before her) was still in the picture..the two of them had never clearly broken up….and many more.

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  3. Half a dozen of these “signs” seems insignificant … My narcissistic relationship has 23 out of 30. WOW! what a fool I have been! I’ve added my personal comments to this list. THIS SUCKS! Reflection … reflection … then comes hind site!

    1. The biggest number one without fail sign of a narcissist is how they sweep you off your feet at the beginning of the relationship. They fall in love very quickly, they have never loved anyone like they love you, and you are perfect in their eyes. They have so many of the same interests, love everything you love, wine and dine you, they can’t get enough of you, more than likely it is the most romantic relationship you have ever had.
    2. He seems too good to be true. A narcissist is a con artist and when he finds his “target” he morphs into his “Good Self” and becomes the epitome of the perfect lover/partner.
    3. He wants to know everything about you, is very interested in learning about your childhood, your hopes and dreams, your past relationships. He will reveal a few of his indiscretions and weaknesses so you feel safe being open and honest with him. He wants to get to know you alright, just not for the reason you think. He is arming his arsenal with ammo for later down the road to use against you. By sharing some of his faults he makes you think he is honest, why would he lie about something insignificant when he was so honest about that?
    4. They are seldom alone for long, and will still be in a relationship or just leaving one, they will say the relationship was over long ago but their ex won’t let go, they feel responsible for them etc.
    5. Appears to make friends easily, but doesn’t have any long time friends. (Very few and they are his “wingmen”)
    6. “Shows you off” to everyone he knows, especially to his wingmen who are JUST LIKE HIM and help each other CHEAT!.
    7. Very forceful sexually and wants sex within the first date or two (popping my bra at BT night #2), barely taking no for an answer. In the beginning he was highly sexual, wanting sex often, 2-3 times a day, and every day.
    8. They are either between jobs or just started a new job and quite possibly new to town. They tend to move around a lot, that way they don’t have to worry about their past biting them in the ass. MILITARY!
    9. Their ex’s (or current wife) are all paranoid, who falsely accused them of cheating … or being gay.
    10. In his past relationships, at work, even with his family he is always doing all the work, the only one putting in an effort, he is holding the company together or the relationship.
    11. Changes jobs many times. MILITARY!
    12. If you discuss past relationships and he is asked about fidelity he will tearfully admit to having ONE indiscretion, and it was only because his ex was so jealous and was always “falsely” accusing him anyway and he did it and then felt so bad. (Leaving you to believe he will be faithful with YOU as long as you don’t falsely accuse him) Whatever went wrong was not his fault, he was the victim, misunderstood.
    13. He is so good-natured you can’t imagine him getting angry about anything and he will tell you how much he hates conflict. (Of course his ex was always causing conflict, drama! she bitched at him incessantly about small stuff and brought up things from the past and that is what drove him away, he is planting the seed; he might as well come right out and say; don’t confront me on anything I do because I hate conflict and I will leave you or hit you and some day down the road he will accuse you of being “just like the rest of them”).
    14. More than likely he appears almost naive and helpless, and makes you feel like you want to take care of him.
    15. He insisted he wanted to “take care” of me; I made a conscious effort to let my guard down, not be so independent and let him do things for me. It is a HUGE boost to his ego to take an independent self-sufficient woman and make her dependent on him. DO NOT give up your independence, it starts slowly, he will sabotage your vehicle, get you fired, ask you to quit work or go into business with him. Once you lose your job you are dependent on him and it is so much harder to get away.
    16. Very early in the relationship he talks in “we” terms, saying things like are “we” going to take the car or the truck (not your car or mine), or let’s go back to “our” place, subtle little things that make you a “couple”. He talks about the future with you in it, in subtle ways, he might even propose early, (like taking me back to the room and pointing to the chapel say “I want that for us!” but whether or not he proposes he makes it clear that he wants you in his life in the future and is not afraid of commitment.
    17. Very early he will do things for you that secure his position in your life, fixing your car, buying memory for your computer, giving you something expensive of his to keep for him, somehow making you indebted to him or get you pregnant, ensuring that you can’t just walk away.
    18. Early in the relationship he will ask you to do a “favor” for him or run an errand, maybe even pick up his paycheck for him, something that puts you in the position of his partner or significant other and it makes you feel special that he would ask you. (BIG HOOK, he is testing you).
    19. Insists on sleeping snuggled up all night and points it out to you, how he has never been able to sleep wrapped up with someone like that before. In his past relationships they would roll over and go to sleep but with you it is different. He will point out that how people sleep is an indication of how “connected” they are. (He is setting you up for when down the road he punishes you by refusing to come to bed or sleeps on the other side of the bed not touching you all night).
    20. Tests your reaction to situations.
    21. You catch him in lies but he says you “misunderstood”
    22. Very early in the relationship he calls you by a pet name (Jackpot!), Babe or Baby seems to be a popular choice. JC called me Babe on our second date and I thought it sounded cheesy, but it didn’t take long and I loved being called Jackpot, he said it with a softness to his voice, it gave me butterflies. Made me feel “special”. This has a dual purpose for him, one he doesn’t have to remember your name or worry about calling you by the wrong name and two, later in the relationship he will stop calling you Babe and it will cut like a knife and plant insecurity in your heart.
    23. He will say he loves you early in the relationship, he has never met a woman like you, you are different from any woman he has ever known, you are special, YOU ARE THE BEST! he can be himself with you, he thought he was in love before but now he knows what real love feels like. You are soul mates, the ying to his yang. You feel he is your soul mate, you have never felt this kind of connection with someone, no one has ever loved you so completely just the way you are, unconditionally and you are determined to show him how much you love and appreciate him. You cannot believe your good fortune to have met this wonderful man.

    HOLY SHISTER! I am an FOOL!!!!! after 1 year 8 months!

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  4. It’s such a clear description of my relationship– amazingly similar. It has taken me years to get over it, at least in part because he left me strung along, with a promise that someday we’d be together, once he got his (BPD) through her suicide crisis (caused by him, playing me off against her insecurities). At least it’s finally healed, one major depression and 10 years of therapy later. But the friendships that broke (shattered) because of his manipulations will never heal until they’ve been through it themselves, and I think that’s what hurt most.

    Well done post, btw. You nailed it.

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  5. During my 2 year relationship with this man, I chalked all of the 25/30 flapping in the wind red flags, up to his PTSD from being a combat medic in Iraq. I knew he had some problems such as nightmares, startled easily, and depression to name a few. He received mental health care and I admired him for being so proactive. I had fell in love with him like no other and had got pregnant early in our relationship. Things went from splendid to horrific around the half way point through the pregnancy. I became the care giver for him due to a new onset of hundreds of non-epileptic seizures in a 3 month period with a marked change in personality. I took him to all his doctor’s appointments, drove him everywhere, took care of him, one ER visit after another, etc etc. The hard part during this time was that he became mean and uncaring toward me after I found out that he was soliciting sex on several web sites and that he asked a 15 year old for nude pics. I ended our relationship….but still took care of him. I did so because he was the father of our unborn at the time, and the fact that he was a veteran who had served our country as well. By this time, my self esteem had become so low.

    Around the time our baby had turned a couple of months old, he had another personality come out, and on several different days. The personality told me that he is the rage and anger that comes out of him and that he comes out to take care of business. Not knowing what else to do (besides start sleeping with a knife), I left a message with his counselor and psychiatrist, and talked to this personality when he came out. I thought that I would be the business to be taken care of one day due to our escalating arguments. This happened just before he went through a PTSD program for vets. He also became “cleared” to drive and live alone-yet managed to get out of 2 apartment leases due to not being able to live alone and care for himself. After his return from the program late last year, he was either not capable, or not willing to use his new tools learned. We fought constantly over him internalizing something completely different than what we talked about. He started escalating with his temper where he started trapping me in rooms and not letting me out, at times so close to hitting me while I held our daughter. He has since moved, not only from me, but on to another victim who professes her love all over facebook…sad face.

    Now I type this with great hesitation because I dearly appreciate our veterans, and I hope that it is not true, but I believe I was used to help him gain his social security disability benefits and become increased to 100% disability. I always found it odd for him asking me to call the VFW service officer who was working on his claim while he was being carted into the ER after a seizure. After everything is said and done, including his 2 ex wives who each have a child with him, it all makes perfect sense.

    I have been granted a temporary order of protection and currently going through the process to obtain the permanent order. My original thought was to help other victims of domestic violence before I went off about my drama. Point is, this man has never hit me, but he does make me fear for my life and safety, as well as for our daughter. I never knew that an order of protection could be granted for such a circumstance, but many of you know how detrimental this is to live through on so many levels. This felt therapeutic to write and hopefully someone can learn from my mistakes. To my knowledge, he has only been diagnosed with the PTSD and bi polar disorder, but I came across this site as I was researching his traits.

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    1. Nanette, this person isn’t from SD is he? (or actually from a couple states over… but lived in SD for a decade or so?) because there are many similarities to someone I also had a terrible experience with. if so can you let me know? I can send you my contact info if so…

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  6. This list fits my situation perfectly. Wish i had known. I would even add one more that applies to my situation. 31. His image is everything. The right car, the right clothes, the right motorcycle. You are an extension of that image, during phase 1. That is all you are. I looked good in his car, on his bike, on his arm. In phase 2 I wasn’t good enough, in his eyes, and in mine because my self esteem was so low. In that phase he would tak a picture of his motorcycle but i was not allowed to be in it. Are ya kidding me? I was engaged to the N for 3 years. I have been away from him with almost no contact, (none initiated by me and no response by me to the occassional email from him) for 2 years. Recovery is still day by day. For those who are just getting out please know that it will suck for quite awhile but it WILL get better and the benefits of being out of that battle zone are much better than staying in the line of fire! I found that putting on music that connected me to the pain i felt or made me really mad at him helped me resist the urge to get “sucked back in.” I offer a song that just recently came out by a band called Hozier. The song is called “Take me to Church.” It puts into words exactly how it felt to be in that situation. He became my “religion.” Here are a few of the lyrics: Should have worshipped him sooner…..I”ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies….I tell you my sins while you sharpen your knife….offer me that deathless death…give me your life.”
    I wish for those who are still in the HELL on earth that is N abuse, that they get help, find someone the can trust to talk to and tell them what is going on, stay safe while they get out an once they are out, shine with the bright light that they have in their souls that is just waiting to show itself again. Peace and blessings!

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  7. nice to know im not alone or paranoid. i spent almost nine years with this kind of person and now ive just separated from him. you can really become isolated and depressed and confused hanging around these people….just happy to be free now. thank you for writing this

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  8. I am back. Just was dumped a 4th time and I said never again after 3. Had a bad weekend with my boyfriend. He doesn’t like to be around people sometimes. We were at a busy bar and he had a confrontation with the waitress, I told him he was being a a** to her and to knock it off and walked away. He totally embarrassed himself, turned it around on me for not having a backbone and being too immature to stand behind him. He was not very safe with me on the back of the motorcycle on the way home due to his anger, we had to leave the bar immediately. After that I was told that he barely tolerated me for the last year due to my doormat personality and just can’t do it anymore. Sorry, I just had to vent. He humiliated himself and took it out on his supply – me. I want to go no contact but am yet looking at my cell phone every once in awhile just in case he texts me. What is wrong with me?

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    1. Lisa there is nothing wrong with you. Please just take the leap of faith and go no contact. If he has a way of getting through to you he will worm his way back into your life. The only way to break free of the hold they have on you is to have no contact whatsoever. Go no contact and imagine he is trying to get a hold of you instead of waiting for him to decide to grace you with his presence. It seems impossible but you will survive and it will get so much easier once you are away from him for awhile. trust me!!
      Hugs we are here for moral support.
      You are not alone. Do not do it 5 times.

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  9. I am still reluctant in labeling him a narcissist but damn…. so many traits. He seemed to be “Mr. Perfect”. A little over 2 years into the relationship now and the good still out weigh the bad but when it’s bad, it’s really bad. His rants just started about 4 months ago but the smallest things seem to set him off and when he goes into one of his rants he won’t let anything go. He repeats himself over and over almost as though he is convincing himself. Of course I am always at fault. It’s always something I said, the way I reacted to something, etc. After he has spoken his peace I will get the silent treatment until he is ready to talk to me (sometimes 2 to 3 days at a time)then he goes into this mode of explaining how my flaws need to be corrected then he builds me up. The first 2 times I thought it was my fault but after the 4th and 5th I realized he has a problem. He is seeing a therapist now but of course will never admit to being a narcissist. Things are so good between us but when they get bad it erases all the good. 😦

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    1. A, keep reading and researching. I am not here to convince anyone of anything it is something you have to come to yourself. You have to get to the point where the bad outweighs the good.
      Let me ask you this, when the times are good are you enjoying the good times or are you waiting for the other shoe to drop, do you know that you are going to end up paying dearly for this good time and he will do something really awful to counteract the good times? I used to dread the good loving times because i knew something really horrible was coming.
      everyone has a bad day, or even a bad few days but when someone attacks you verbally and blames you for everything and it is never their fault, they are being abusive. Of course he won’t admit he is a narcissist, they never do. I wish people would stop telling the narcissist he is one because just the fact that he is a narcissist is an indication he will never admit to being one. The only thing it does is give him more ammunition to use against you. Now he will read up on narcissist and next thing you know he is telling everyone you are the narcissist. He is probably telling the therapist that right now.
      you have to decide if this is the way you want to live or not. It will not get better he will not change, so you are in control here, accept that this is the way life is always going to be, in fact it will get worse or you decide to leave, heal and eventually find happiness that isn’t dependent on his whims and moods.
      It only get worse and the victim only gets weaker.

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  10. After 2 and a half years of on again, off again (he’s married, always in the process of leaving), I’m reeling. I ignored the red flags because we have a 28 yr friendship, we grew up in the same small town and have known each other since we were 15 yrs old. He’s in the military; very subtle arrogance, image is very important to him, never lost his temper with me, very intelligent (works in Military Intelligence), told me that he’s loved me for years. As of two weeks ago, this is the second time that he’s dropped off the grid, gone completely silent. The first year I received an email ending it. Last year and two weeks ago, nothing. Again. He always had an excuse for staying and exiting my life without warning or explanation. I feel completely foolish for staying this long, yet when I read the traits of narcissism, everything made sense. The closure that I never got, finally came. He made so many promises and I believed every one of them because I have known him for so long. Trusted him like no other. He was one of my best friends for years, or so I thought. I could never wrap my head around the fact that he could just drop out of my life, with no warning, and think that its okay. Now I know. Devestating to realize it, but relieved to know the truth. We had so many “plans”, all initiated by him, and I believed him. Almost turned my entire life upside down for those plans. When I finally caught him in obvious lies a few weeks ago, I believe that was his cue to exit. And we were supposed to be weeks away from his “divorce”. The divorce that he kept dragging his feet to file on. Now I know it was all a lie. Unbelievable.
    Thank you for the information, and allowing me to vent.

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  11. I was in a relationship for 6 1/2 years. Never heard of narcissist, but I tell u after reading hear my mouth left wild open. I was treated so bad, u might as well say the whole time. He left me 5 days ago, and that wasn’t the first time, nor the second just day the 5th, he was so selfish and everything had to be about him, before he left he said I wasn’t into him anymore. He have to have attention. He wad done, didn’t want relationship, hr wasn’t in love. He wad going to do whatever he wanted, he wasn’t married, I mean he went hard. He laid it on thick. I was like wow, and besides that deeply hurt. I wasn’t home, but he got his stuff, left my key, texted me and said lock my door. That nite I texted him told how I felt, its been 5 days no contact. I was abused emotionally, mentally and verbally. I’m angry with myself for allowing someone to treat me so bad without cause, and not to mention his cocaine habit it was hell. I haven’t heard from him which is fine, even though I blocked him that nite. It’s been hard, but I’m making it. I took and unexpected trip, and I’m enjoying myself, each day gets easier.

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