Abuse-Can Be Subtle and Deadly

People hear the word “abuse” and assume physical violence, but there are many forms of abuse. There are your run of the mill a-holes, wife beaters and cheaters and then in a class all of their own, are narcissists/psychopaths. Even narcissism has varying levels of abuse and degrees of severity, some narcissists, although cheaters and liars never physically abuse their partner and are able to hold down jobs. At the other end of the spectrum are the narcissists who destroy all who come in contact with them. It has taken me a long time to accept I was involved with a narcissist and even longer to realize and accept how truly evil he was and the danger I was in. One of the most powerful weapons the abuser has to keep the victim in the relationship is the victim’s own denial.

In my quest for answers I came across a couple who claimed he was a narcissist and she, through her love for him, discovered how to “cure” him. For anyone to claim they can cure a narcissist is a dangerous game to play. As is typical of the victim, my hope was restored and I clung to any remote chance; I could “cure” my ex also. I was quick to grasp at anything that indicated if I tried harder, was more understanding and loved unconditionally I could save the relationship and my ex. That was almost 15 years ago, I don’t know if they are still around but you would figure if it was possible to cure a narcissist the internet would be full of testimonial about their discovery. Never think you can love the narcissist well, or if you try just a little harder to please him things will be ok. We are strong women, we tend to think we can give a little more, bend a little farther and then we find ourselves in too deep to extricate ourselves.

I read somewhere that a woman will stay in or go back to an abusive relationship as long as she feels there is something she can do to “fix” it; until she feels she has done everything she can do, she won’t leave on her own. With my experience I can only say that the longer I stayed and the more times I went back the more severe and insidious the abuse got.

With physical abuse there are often signs of abuse, bruising etc and people are much more apt to believe the victim, come to their assistance, and support them emotionally or financially.

Emotional abuse is ambiguous and hard to prove, the victim is less likely to get support and people tend to think they are exaggerating, overly sensitive or antagonizing the abuser. Society in general does not view psychological or emotional abuse as “dangerous” and feel that if the person isn’t treating you the way you would like just leave. They don’t understand the damage done to the emotional state of the victim or the potential danger to the victim.

All abuse stems from the abusers need to control the victim, whether it is physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, or financial abuse.

A narcissist at his worst will use a combination of all the above abuse tactics and can leave the victim paralyzed, unable to make decisions, hopeless, depressed and lacking the self-confidence to help themselves. They no longer feel like themselves, having lost their soul to the narcissist, they don’t even know who they are any more and have lost all trust in a fair and just world.

The most dangerous of all abuse is Ambient Abuse, Often called “crazy-making”, or “gas lighting”, it is the stealth, and subtle, underground maltreatment that sometimes goes unnoticed even by the victims themselves until it is too late. It is ambiguous and atmospheric and very hard to pinpoint or prove; hence it’s insidious and deadly effects.

Ambient Abuse is the fostering of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There is no tangible evidence of abuse but the victim constantly senses a bad omen or premonition of impending doom. It is perpetrated by dropping subtle hints, by disorienting, by constant and unnecessary lying, by persistent doubting and demeaning and by inspiring an air of unmitigated gloom and doom. Insisting the victim did not see or hear what they did, hiding personal items of the victim but blaming the victim, insisting the victim said or did certain things that the victim did not do but eventually starts to doubt their own perception of reality.

Over the long-term this environment eats away at the victim’s self esteem and their self-confidence is severely damaged. Many times the victim starts to act paranoid and highly emotional, which makes them look like the mentally unstable one and the abuser is the poor suffering soul. Some examples of ambient abuse would be withholding affection or intimacy, rolling their eyes when you express an opinion or criticizing your actions “for your own good”.

There are 5 categories of ambient abuse:

Inducing Disorientation

The abuser causes the victim to lose faith in her ability to manage and cope with the world and its demands. She no longer trusts her instincts, her skills, her strengths, friends, family, or the benevolence and predictability of her environment.

The abuser challenges his target’s perception of the world, right and wrong, her judgment and offers plausible but false alternatives. my ex would always say he couldn’t handle my warped perception of reality, until I questioned myself for getting upset he was seeing other women and whether I was actually being abused. By continually criticizes her decisions he makes her doubt her ability to make wise choices. With his pathological lying he blurs the lines between reality and nightmare. He constantly violates her boundaries and disrespects her values, feelings and opinions, “deal breakers” such as drug abuse, infidelity, lying and stealing become common place and she is made to feel she is in the wrong for confronting him on his indiscretions or that somehow she is to blame for them.

For most of our relationship my ex refused to come to bed, at first he always came to bed then he would stay up until 3 or 4 am, then he was coming to bed just in time to have sex before we had to get up for work, and the last few years he rarely came to bed at all. He said he just didn’t need sleep, but he would fall asleep anywhere and everywhere, he could sleep standing he’d be so tired. He never said I was unattractive, I had always been confident sexually but after a while I lost all confidence in my ability to satisfy a man. He would say he loved me and I was over reacting to be upset he didn’t come to bed, or he would say he didn’t come to bed because I didn’t make him feel welcome in bed. I would make more of an effort and be told I was being too pushy and needy.

By overreacting to the slightest mistake on her part and setting her up with demands impossible to meet he intimidates her to the point of paralysis.


The abuser gradually takes control over the victim’s freedom and ability to be self-sufficient (i.e.: their vehicle is never working, they lose their job, loss of friends and support system due to never being able to entertain or attend events because of the N) it is very subtle and done in such a way that the victim doesn’t realize what is happening until it is too late. Then they find themselves isolated from the outer world and a hostage to the goodwill – or ill will of their captor.

The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, and unpredictable situations where his skills or knowledge is sorely needed. He orchestrates circumstances where his specific skills, connections, or traits are the only ones useful and helpful. In this way he creates his own indispensability; giving him another reason to resent his victim and another excuse to be angry with her for being needy. (my ex used to sabotage my vehicle, I would have no choice but to call for his help and he would make me wait hours and make it sound like it was a HUGE inconvenience and effort on his part to help me, but acted like the benevolent rescuer when he got there. He also got me evicted from every place I lived or we lived making us homeless and me dependent on him for everything) Right up to the last day we were together he constantly told me I would never find a man who would rescue me like he always had and I believed him. The truth is, I had many men willing to help me when my ex was out of the picture but my vehicle didn’t break down like it did when I was with my ex either.

Shared Psychosis

The abuser creates a fantasy world inhabited by the victim and himself besieged by imaginary enemies. The enemies may be people they know, (or totally made up) these people are plotting against them, lying to them or about them, basically “out to get them, and destroy their relationship” and she is expected to stand by him, fight against these enemies, lie, and pretend. She is continually “tested” and must prove her continued affiliation and support of him.

Eventually this constant stress reduces the victim’s resistance and ability to “see straight”. At one point my son lived with us and my ex tried to convince me that my son wanted to murder us in our sleep. He said he woke up in the middle of the night with my son standing by the bed just staring at us. Many years later his son came to live with us and within a short time he was telling me he had woken up in the middle of the night with his son standing beside the bed staring at us while we slept. He told me he had found ashes under the trailer we lived in and his son had tried to burn the trailer while we slept.

Abuse Of Information

From the first moment the abuser meets his victim he is collecting information. He will reveal just enough dirt about his past to put his target at ease so they feel safe opening up about their fears, indiscretions, and weak areas. The more he knows about his potential victim the easier it is for him to coerce, charm, manipulate and extort her. Whereas he was sympathetic when he first meets her once the mask drops he will use any information he has to belittle, criticize, discredit, and embarrass. He has no qualms using information he gleans to achieve his goals or destroy the target.

Control By Proxy

If all else fails the abuser will recruit a third-party to do his bidding. That 3rd party could be family, friends, institutions, teachers, the media, the authorities, and he uses them to cajole, threaten, stalk, harass, communicate, and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware accomplices exactly as he controls his victim and dumps them unceremoniously when the job is done.

Many narcissists do not physically abuse their victims, they are able to control them through psychological and emotional abuse which is much less likely to be detected and it’s much easier to deny and make the victim look crazy. My ex strangled me once (and denied it, according to him he didn’t strangle me or choke me, he just had his hands around my neck) and he hit me a handful of times in the 10 yrs we were together. There was no need to hit me, like most women after he hit  me the first time all he had to do was come at me with his fist raised and I would back down, but near the end even backing down didn’t stop him. It was as if he knew it was ending and he had nothing to lose by not holding back.  We went several years without him actually hitting me, but like my son said, that doesn’t mean he’s changed it just means you walk on eggshells.

What we all forget as victims is: IT IS NEVER OK FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN (vise versa) there is absolutely no excuse for hitting a woman unless she was coming at him with a knife. There is nothing a woman can do that justifies getting hit, he can walk away, hit a wall if he has to hit something but she can not MAKE him hit her. Another thing we have to remind ourselves of: He knows exactly what he is doing and that it is wrong, he expects you to lie about it to everyone and if someone came to the door he would stop. If he was so justified in what he was doing there would be no need to lie and IF life with you is so unbearable that he feels he has no choice but to hit you then he needs to leave the relationship, BEFORE he finds your replacement!

Narcissists control by keeping their victim off-balance, another tactic for this is to not respond to something that would normally send them into a rage. They appear unaffected by an argument and act as if nothing happened leaving the victim waiting for the shoe to drop. Have no doubt that the narcissist will get revenge; he is the king of passive aggressive behavior that punishes the victim. He will take or destroy something of value to the victim. It could be weeks or months after the incident when the victim realizes a treasured possession in missing or broken, of course the N will deny knowing anything about it. This is most likely to happen when her focus is shifted on something other than the N, perhaps a child or other family member she is concerned about, anything that takes the attention off the N. (In 10 years I had all my clothes stolen, my photos had anti freeze dumped on them, memento’s were lost, my son’s baby teeth disappeared but the container they were in was in my ex’s music room, 3 vehicles were stolen, my vehicles were tampered with, the amount of hours I spent broken down on the side of the road would boggle your mind, almost weekly I would need him to rescue me, he made me miss events that were of immense importance to me, I was unable to finish my college education, every single piece of personal property I had was destroyed or stolen. I do not own anything today that I owed 16 years ago, nothing. Oh sorry, a few Christmas decorations, that is it)

The best indicator that you are a victim of ambient abuse is your gut; throughout the 10 years of my relationship with my ex I denied what my gut was telling me. And I wish with all my heart that you believe me when I say; it does not get better, his apologies mean nothing, he is only manipulating you further. Get out!! Before it’s too late.

Link to a post from 2012 one year after JC and I split, You can’t be first but you can be next http://wp.me/p1wKh3-kb


331 thoughts on “Abuse-Can Be Subtle and Deadly

  1. Pingback: Our Truth Cancels Out The Narcissist's Delusions - My Blog

  2. Nene

    So what do you do if the have destroyed you and isolated you for soo long and you have ended up mentally ill for 20years? Where do you go for help. The person who has done this to me has a psychology degree and works in the mental health profession and has full control autonomy of my life. He has totally destroyed me because I don’t want to have a sexual relationship with him and I have never wanted to be his wife. He has gaslighted and chaos manufactured and totally destroyed my life. I’m a severe wreck and too ashamed destroyed to live. I have no one to turn to and he has had his family treat me like this also. I will take my own life as I can’t continue like this anymore. I need help and because he works in the local mental health I can’t get help there. He has destroyed me. I really need someone who can repair me. My advice to anyone is if you start to change and feel down around the person, Stop seeing them and remove them completely from your Life immediately as once They have there claws into you, they will destroy you. Get away from them at the beginning and no matter what don’t go back. Once you get to my stage(20years) your severely destroyed and it’s impossible to continue to live with the abuse any longer. But you will be so destroyed you will want to end your life. Don’t let the abuse start. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY IF YOU START TO FEEL SOMETHINGS NOT RIGHT OR YOU FEEL DOWN. I KNEW AT THE START SOMETHING WASNT RIGHT AND I BELIEVED WHAT HE SAID AND LET HIM BRAINWASH ME. I WAS EXTREMELY OUTGOING WITH LOADS OF FRIENDS AND A GOOD JOB AND WITHIN MONTHS OF MEETING HIM I WAS ISOLATED WITH NO JOB, NO SELF ESTEEM AND CONSTANTLY TOLD MY PERCEPTION WAS WRONG EVEN TILL THIS DAY. YOU MUST GET OUT AT THE BEGINNING AND NEVER LET ANYONE CHANGE YOU. I HAVE NO WAY OF GETTING OUT NOW.


    1. Barbara

      Nene, I don’t know what to say at the moment, I just started to cry as I read your post. I am just sending this to tell you that we are all listening and we do care about you. Please try to stay strong.
      much love


      1. Greg

        I was with a Narc for 11 years. I went through every evil trait with her but with an extra twist at the end. 2 weeks before she left i became violently ill 20 minutes after eating a meal that she made just for me. I was like this for 2 days with violent dry heaving, severe cramps, and everything went right through me. The only 2 things she said to me was after the first hour out of nowhere she said “i suppose you think i poisoned you”, and when i walked out of the E.R. her first words were “i guess you had them check for poisons”. I never in a million years would think she would go that far but she did. The moral of the story is RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, you are dancing with the devil


        1. Barbara

          Thank goodness you survived it Greg. I suspect narcs poison people and put drugs in food more than we think. My son, who is a nasty piece of work, once offered to cook for me and before I had even finished the meal all sorts of strange things were happening to me and I felt very scared. He had said a few days previously that I ought to try drugs because I was too boring. Never even let him make me a mug of tea after that.


    2. anna c nicol

      i too have been strangled guns held to my head gaslighted lied to cheated on sexually pimped out after being drugged by him. i was also married to him for 20 years. I finally had enough and he pushed me over a limit no human could withstand, you can get out. Just leave. I did, took my daughter and my dog and ran to friend who promised to keep him away, Find a person to run to, and run. Leave immediately. find that safe house and threaten that you have already exposed him with proof of his abuse. he will run like hell. Best way to make him disappear is to expose him.


  3. Kristen

    Please NEVER BELIEVE YOU CANNOT FREE YOURSELF….but it does mean you must take an action you will not feel comfortable about….like putting together a small bag and taking a taxi or walking to the police, to tell them you need protection and where is a women’s shelter you can go to, no questions asked or answered. This will be a severe action, but I guarantee you, even with only the clothes on your back, you will awake one morning soon after with “I’m free! I’m free!” running through your mind……please think seriously here and save your beautiful self


  4. sunrise

    I just learned what NPD traits are, and my new ex “boyfriend” fully fits the bill. He wanted to impregnate me immediately. I thought it was weird, but it also pulled on my baby-making strings (I am 34, no children, never been married). Yes, the sex was amazing. He refused to speak on the phone with me. He would only text on occasion, and was always traveling around in his fancy vehicle that he can barely afford. I never knew what state he was in. I finally googled him and found out he spent quite a bit of time in penitentiary for violence, including manslaughter. But that was in the 90’s, I told myself, and he has been sober for 12 years. He has transformed himself and risen above his troubled past. Then I find out he is married. I find his wife on facebook. She is more than willing to speak to me about his behaviors, and they are most certainly sinister, but those are not my stories to tell. I did encourage and hope for her to leave him. (She did!) I ended it. But weeks passed, and he was traveling through town so I agreed to meet with him, hoping for a sincere explanation. I heard his apology. I did not sleep with him, but desperately wanted to. A week or so later I gave in. It was amazing. Everything could suddenly be justified in my mind. Then someone tells me to look up NPD, and all the puzzle pieces start to come together. Realizing it was all an illusion, all a lie, makes it easy for me to turn around and walk, because I don’t need to worry about hurting his feelings. Yes, I thought there was so much potential and hope for him to heal. And that we were a fundamental match. All the signs are so clear, there is no reason why people shouldn’t know what the warning signs are, especially if they are on the dating scene. This blog has helped me immensely! Thank you! I am convinced that I have dodged a major bullet, and it is so important that you are sharing this information. Too many people are silent on these issues. Why do we not all have extensive education in spotting this type of behavior? A thousand thank yous, and so much respect to everyone who is planning to leave, has already left, and who is healing after surviving relationship trauma. It is because of those who share their stories that people like me are able to avoid such abuse. I have experienced abuse in the past, but this type of abuser exhibits different behaviors, it is true. I am continuing to work on my boundaries with the utmost commitment at this point. No back doors!


  5. Nina B

    It’s hard to just get up and leave when you thought he was the man of your dreams. It’s freaking hard when 5 days out of 6 he’s the best thing that has happened to you and then the day 6 comes and your whole world crashes and all you want to do is die. I have been with my husband for 3 years now. When I first met him I couldn’t believe someone like him existed. Everything was so amazing. He was everything I’ve ever wanted…until our first big argument. He got so mad he started calling me names, throwing stuff around, pushing, pulling even hitting me. And then turned everything around like it was my fault, ignored me for 7 days straight and never apologized for any of it. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, how to act. Instead I started to change who I was. I lost all my friends, I watched what I would do, say, just so he won’t get mad. I catered to him like his was my king, all out of FEAR. And then I got pregnant. I was 3 months pregnant when he threw a frozen bag of meat at me and almost knocked me over. He put me thru hell the entire time I was pregnant. And at the same time he was taking care of me. From cooking, cleaning, massaging me. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I caught him watching porn and visiting ex-girlfriends facebook pages and said it was totally normal. He used to say I was crazy and need to get professional help. That I drive him crazy with my jealousy and he can’t take it. He calls me stupid every chance he gets. I work full time and take care of our daughter that best way I can. I never complain, well I’m no allowed to. He never likes anything I do, he hates my cooking, he talks about his mother all the time and says how everything she does is perfect. The last time we argued he blocked me from calling or texting him. I couldn’t get a hold of him for 7 days. He travels a lot so he’s always away from home. When I think about everything I can see that all the red flags were there, all the signs where there, I just couldn’t for some reason see any of it. Everytime I want to leave him something stops me. I asked myself what is it, why would i want to be with someone that hurts me, someone that says loves me but calls me names? Why? Why did this happen to me? I never cheated on him, never lied to him, I was nothing but good to him. I guess it’s not enough and there is no fixing it. I need to leave him not for my own sake but for the sake of our daughter.


  6. Lorraine

    I am now staying with my elderly mother , and caring for her with her adls , my brother has lived with her several years now, what my concern is why does my mother put up with his abuse by taking advantage of her, he has had no job for years now and no willingness to take care of himself he depends solely on our mom to take care of him he’s in his early50 . I suspect that maybe she had been threatened by him , I have seen some mental abuse, he has no compassion, doesn’t believe in God and we are stupid for thinking believing their is , we have no rights for our belief s . I’m worried not sure what to expect next from him, he is very negative, talks to himself , here lately he spends a lot of time in his room cursing, saying people are stupid, I thought he was talking about me I asked him of course it was nt at all directed to me and not worry about it. Well on the contrary he is playing a game control factors sympathy , smarter than anyone else in the world. Thank you for letting me share this story. It’s depressing to be around him and he cares nothing about or for our ailing 80 yr old mother. She was down to 87 pounds she’s always been thinn petite. But that was not healthy . She now weights 92 pounds I hope to see her at least 105 lbs . Lori


    1. Barbara

      Lorraine, I think there is a lot more going on with your brother than just being a narc. I suspect there is a mix with schizophrenia, which will make him extremely unpredictable and dangerous. So many get through life without being diagnised and psychiatrist have always tended to ignore narcs because it is untreatable, therefore the schizophrenia also often goes untreated. If they can’t give them a pill and shove them out the door they don’t want them on their books as they will not go down as a success rating.
      Does he drink and take drugs? They often do this to self medicate. They also do not want to be free of their ‘voices’ as they regard them as their only trysted friends.
      Please speak to your GP about this, get something on record and be very careful.
      Take care.



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