Abuse-Can Be Subtle and Deadly

People hear the word “abuse” and assume physical violence, but there are many forms of abuse. There are your run of the mill a-holes, wife beaters and cheaters and then in a class all of their own, are narcissists/psychopaths. Even narcissism has varying levels of abuse and degrees of severity, some narcissists, although cheaters and liars never physically abuse their partner and are able to hold down jobs. At the other end of the spectrum are the narcissists who destroy all who come in contact with them. It has taken me a long time to accept I was involved with a narcissist and even longer to realize and accept how truly evil he was and the danger I was in. One of the most powerful weapons the abuser has to keep the victim in the relationship is the victim’s own denial.

In my quest for answers I came across a couple who claimed he was a narcissist and she, through her love for him, discovered how to “cure” him. For anyone to claim they can cure a narcissist is a dangerous game to play. As is typical of the victim, my hope was restored and I clung to any remote chance; I could “cure” my ex also. I was quick to grasp at anything that indicated if I tried harder, was more understanding and loved unconditionally I could save the relationship and my ex. That was almost 15 years ago, I don’t know if they are still around but you would figure if it was possible to cure a narcissist the internet would be full of testimonial about their discovery. Never think you can love the narcissist well, or if you try just a little harder to please him things will be ok. We are strong women, we tend to think we can give a little more, bend a little farther and then we find ourselves in too deep to extricate ourselves.

I read somewhere that a woman will stay in or go back to an abusive relationship as long as she feels there is something she can do to “fix” it; until she feels she has done everything she can do, she won’t leave on her own. With my experience I can only say that the longer I stayed and the more times I went back the more severe and insidious the abuse got.

With physical abuse there are often signs of abuse, bruising etc and people are much more apt to believe the victim, come to their assistance, and support them emotionally or financially.

Emotional abuse is ambiguous and hard to prove, the victim is less likely to get support and people tend to think they are exaggerating, overly sensitive or antagonizing the abuser. Society in general does not view psychological or emotional abuse as “dangerous” and feel that if the person isn’t treating you the way you would like just leave. They don’t understand the damage done to the emotional state of the victim or the potential danger to the victim.

All abuse stems from the abusers need to control the victim, whether it is physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, or financial abuse.

A narcissist at his worst will use a combination of all the above abuse tactics and can leave the victim paralyzed, unable to make decisions, hopeless, depressed and lacking the self-confidence to help themselves. They no longer feel like themselves, having lost their soul to the narcissist, they don’t even know who they are any more and have lost all trust in a fair and just world.

The most dangerous of all abuse is Ambient Abuse, Often called “crazy-making”, or “gas lighting”, it is the stealth, and subtle, underground maltreatment that sometimes goes unnoticed even by the victims themselves until it is too late. It is ambiguous and atmospheric and very hard to pinpoint or prove; hence it’s insidious and deadly effects.

Ambient Abuse is the fostering of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There is no tangible evidence of abuse but the victim constantly senses a bad omen or premonition of impending doom. It is perpetrated by dropping subtle hints, by disorienting, by constant and unnecessary lying, by persistent doubting and demeaning and by inspiring an air of unmitigated gloom and doom. Insisting the victim did not see or hear what they did, hiding personal items of the victim but blaming the victim, insisting the victim said or did certain things that the victim did not do but eventually starts to doubt their own perception of reality.

Over the long-term this environment eats away at the victim’s self esteem and their self-confidence is severely damaged. Many times the victim starts to act paranoid and highly emotional, which makes them look like the mentally unstable one and the abuser is the poor suffering soul. Some examples of ambient abuse would be withholding affection or intimacy, rolling their eyes when you express an opinion or criticizing your actions “for your own good”.

There are 5 categories of ambient abuse:

Inducing Disorientation

The abuser causes the victim to lose faith in her ability to manage and cope with the world and its demands. She no longer trusts her instincts, her skills, her strengths, friends, family, or the benevolence and predictability of her environment.

The abuser challenges his target’s perception of the world, right and wrong, her judgment and offers plausible but false alternatives. my ex would always say he couldn’t handle my warped perception of reality, until I questioned myself for getting upset he was seeing other women and whether I was actually being abused. By continually criticizes her decisions he makes her doubt her ability to make wise choices. With his pathological lying he blurs the lines between reality and nightmare. He constantly violates her boundaries and disrespects her values, feelings and opinions, “deal breakers” such as drug abuse, infidelity, lying and stealing become common place and she is made to feel she is in the wrong for confronting him on his indiscretions or that somehow she is to blame for them.

For most of our relationship my ex refused to come to bed, at first he always came to bed then he would stay up until 3 or 4 am, then he was coming to bed just in time to have sex before we had to get up for work, and the last few years he rarely came to bed at all. He said he just didn’t need sleep, but he would fall asleep anywhere and everywhere, he could sleep standing he’d be so tired. He never said I was unattractive, I had always been confident sexually but after a while I lost all confidence in my ability to satisfy a man. He would say he loved me and I was over reacting to be upset he didn’t come to bed, or he would say he didn’t come to bed because I didn’t make him feel welcome in bed. I would make more of an effort and be told I was being too pushy and needy.

By overreacting to the slightest mistake on her part and setting her up with demands impossible to meet he intimidates her to the point of paralysis.


The abuser gradually takes control over the victim’s freedom and ability to be self-sufficient (i.e.: their vehicle is never working, they lose their job, loss of friends and support system due to never being able to entertain or attend events because of the N) it is very subtle and done in such a way that the victim doesn’t realize what is happening until it is too late. Then they find themselves isolated from the outer world and a hostage to the goodwill – or ill will of their captor.

The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, and unpredictable situations where his skills or knowledge is sorely needed. He orchestrates circumstances where his specific skills, connections, or traits are the only ones useful and helpful. In this way he creates his own indispensability; giving him another reason to resent his victim and another excuse to be angry with her for being needy. (my ex used to sabotage my vehicle, I would have no choice but to call for his help and he would make me wait hours and make it sound like it was a HUGE inconvenience and effort on his part to help me, but acted like the benevolent rescuer when he got there. He also got me evicted from every place I lived or we lived making us homeless and me dependent on him for everything) Right up to the last day we were together he constantly told me I would never find a man who would rescue me like he always had and I believed him. The truth is, I had many men willing to help me when my ex was out of the picture but my vehicle didn’t break down like it did when I was with my ex either.

Shared Psychosis

The abuser creates a fantasy world inhabited by the victim and himself besieged by imaginary enemies. The enemies may be people they know, (or totally made up) these people are plotting against them, lying to them or about them, basically “out to get them, and destroy their relationship” and she is expected to stand by him, fight against these enemies, lie, and pretend. She is continually “tested” and must prove her continued affiliation and support of him.

Eventually this constant stress reduces the victim’s resistance and ability to “see straight”. At one point my son lived with us and my ex tried to convince me that my son wanted to murder us in our sleep. He said he woke up in the middle of the night with my son standing by the bed just staring at us. Many years later his son came to live with us and within a short time he was telling me he had woken up in the middle of the night with his son standing beside the bed staring at us while we slept. He told me he had found ashes under the trailer we lived in and his son had tried to burn the trailer while we slept.

Abuse Of Information

From the first moment the abuser meets his victim he is collecting information. He will reveal just enough dirt about his past to put his target at ease so they feel safe opening up about their fears, indiscretions, and weak areas. The more he knows about his potential victim the easier it is for him to coerce, charm, manipulate and extort her. Whereas he was sympathetic when he first meets her once the mask drops he will use any information he has to belittle, criticize, discredit, and embarrass. He has no qualms using information he gleans to achieve his goals or destroy the target.

Control By Proxy

If all else fails the abuser will recruit a third-party to do his bidding. That 3rd party could be family, friends, institutions, teachers, the media, the authorities, and he uses them to cajole, threaten, stalk, harass, communicate, and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware accomplices exactly as he controls his victim and dumps them unceremoniously when the job is done.

Many narcissists do not physically abuse their victims, they are able to control them through psychological and emotional abuse which is much less likely to be detected and it’s much easier to deny and make the victim look crazy. My ex strangled me once (and denied it, according to him he didn’t strangle me or choke me, he just had his hands around my neck) and he hit me a handful of times in the 10 yrs we were together. There was no need to hit me, like most women after he hit  me the first time all he had to do was come at me with his fist raised and I would back down, but near the end even backing down didn’t stop him. It was as if he knew it was ending and he had nothing to lose by not holding back.  We went several years without him actually hitting me, but like my son said, that doesn’t mean he’s changed it just means you walk on eggshells.

What we all forget as victims is: IT IS NEVER OK FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN (vise versa) there is absolutely no excuse for hitting a woman unless she was coming at him with a knife. There is nothing a woman can do that justifies getting hit, he can walk away, hit a wall if he has to hit something but she can not MAKE him hit her. Another thing we have to remind ourselves of: He knows exactly what he is doing and that it is wrong, he expects you to lie about it to everyone and if someone came to the door he would stop. If he was so justified in what he was doing there would be no need to lie and IF life with you is so unbearable that he feels he has no choice but to hit you then he needs to leave the relationship, BEFORE he finds your replacement!

Narcissists control by keeping their victim off-balance, another tactic for this is to not respond to something that would normally send them into a rage. They appear unaffected by an argument and act as if nothing happened leaving the victim waiting for the shoe to drop. Have no doubt that the narcissist will get revenge; he is the king of passive aggressive behavior that punishes the victim. He will take or destroy something of value to the victim. It could be weeks or months after the incident when the victim realizes a treasured possession in missing or broken, of course the N will deny knowing anything about it. This is most likely to happen when her focus is shifted on something other than the N, perhaps a child or other family member she is concerned about, anything that takes the attention off the N. (In 10 years I had all my clothes stolen, my photos had anti freeze dumped on them, memento’s were lost, my son’s baby teeth disappeared but the container they were in was in my ex’s music room, 3 vehicles were stolen, my vehicles were tampered with, the amount of hours I spent broken down on the side of the road would boggle your mind, almost weekly I would need him to rescue me, he made me miss events that were of immense importance to me, I was unable to finish my college education, every single piece of personal property I had was destroyed or stolen. I do not own anything today that I owed 16 years ago, nothing. Oh sorry, a few Christmas decorations, that is it)

The best indicator that you are a victim of ambient abuse is your gut; throughout the 10 years of my relationship with my ex I denied what my gut was telling me. And I wish with all my heart that you believe me when I say; it does not get better, his apologies mean nothing, he is only manipulating you further. Get out!! Before it’s too late.

Link to a post from 2012 one year after JC and I split, You can’t be first but you can be next http://wp.me/p1wKh3-kb


367 thoughts on “Abuse-Can Be Subtle and Deadly

  1. Jayboog

    I disagree with the statement, there is nothing that can make a man hit a woman unless she is coming at him with a knife. I have witnessed my friend being abused by his spouse and out of respect and love for him, I never picked up a bat and beat her ass down myself. The way she speaks to him in private is really, really messed up. She has him isolated now to just live with her and her family. She manipulated him with her tantrums until he finally gave in and decided to move with her into her parent’s house. She is very verbally and mentally and emotionally abusive. She is bipolar and there were times I used to wonder how he kept himself from beating her ass. I am not an advocate for domestic violence but if he would have done it, I would have applauded him, because of how abusive this girl is to him. Everything you described in your post about NPD abuse describers her to a “T”. To outsidrr1, she pretends to be this nice, sweet person but those who know what she is really like despise her.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Jayboog, no matter if it is a man or a woman, no one should ever hit someone, no one should verbally abuse someone either. Unfortunately for men, the law and society doesn’t believe a man can be abused, but if the man defends himself he would be charged with domestic abuse. The man is really in a tough spot. My son has been involved with a woman who got abusive and I was very proud of him that he didn’t hit her but he did call the police and she spent the night in jail. He dropped the charges but he never took her back either. That is the way a healthy person deals with abuse. No one should take abuse of any kind from anyone.
      If someone pushes you to the point of you feeling you have no choice but to hit them, then it is time to leave that relationship, it is unhealthy and nonproductive.
      I am sorry your friend is being abused like that and the woman feels comfortable enough to abuse him in front of you says a lot, no respect at all.
      Bi-polar may have some of the traits of narcissism, but it a mood disorder and not a personality disorder, they do have a conscience and they can be helped with medication and diet, eliminating alcohol etc. I am not saying that anyone should stay with someone who is abusive and if someone is bi-polar they have to want to get help, no one can do it for them. If the victim doesn’t leave and just takes it, there is no motivation for the bi-polar individual to seek help.
      I have known bi-polar people and you have to have very firm boundaries that you do not let them cross.
      I would hope your friend would seek counseling for himself, to either learn how to stay or how to leave, but he has to want to change the situation, noo one can do it for him either. He is lucky to have a friend like you who cares.



    Thank you for this very useful information. I also like that you were so honest about how believed the abuser.


  3. Melissa Wells

    It was 10 days ago he ended our 4 1/2 yr relationship. I’m devasted, rejected, you name it & that’s me. I’m 52 (he 54), only 3rd relationship in 30yrs. Since high school all I’ve ever wanted was a hard working man who loved me, who cared for me. We would’ve never met in this lifetime to this very mlment, i believe it’s God’s doing. We both finally had a 2nd chance to have the kind of love we’ve waited for a lifetime. We were the love of each other’s life. Took care of me when sick, drive 100 miles to care for me when sick, do my laundry, served me coffee in bed, protect me, always put me first, waited hours til i got out of work to take me home, etc…I showed him a “world” he’d never experienced or new. i know he’s very insecure. During our relationship he would always say, I don’t know what you see in me, you’ll eventually leave me for a dr lawyer… you eserve better than a construction worker, constantly reassuring him. From latter 1/2 of the relationship these are the things he said & did which he reiterated the last day we saw each other
    not in any order you ruined my life you have the devil inside you I’ve gone backwards because of you I wasted four and a half years of my life pathological liar you’re the one damaged this relationship this is all your fault all of it I don’t trust you I never have you don’t know how to be honest don’t know what love is don’t know how to commit be loyal and faithful always hurting me I told you you were the deal from the very beginning you don’t believe in God you go to church to meet guys don’t never change you will never change if I ever hear you talk about me I will get you back you’re a sick human being mentally unstable addicted to drugs alcohol effects getting old and looks are going you know how to get a man when they find out about you they leave you etcetera about going to a restaurant slash bar he said I would have rather you say I went to church you use your daughter as an excuse to go away for a few days I don’t want to keep you from your family you should go visit them I’m never going to visit your family because you don’t invite me he throws my clothes in the swimming pool when we argue or he gets mad he makes sure the bedroom door is open when were arguing so that his 23 year old son can hear us I cheat I always look at other men I flirt I know for a fact because he told me when he was in his thirties and forties he was selfish cheated on his wife that he’s had affairs one of them was a 20-year affair I do not don’t understand how he went from loving and cherishing me the reason he ended the relationship was because I’m always hurting him and I can’t give him what he wants which is trust and honesty after all that heartbroken devastated thank you 4 letting me write this


  4. noexcuseforabuse

    abuse of information is what I am going through, I am isolated from all my resources because I trusted my husband with my life and confided in him and he used it to manipulate people around me against me and into terrorizing me. Every confidence became a weapon for his emotional pawn games. He lied to and isolated me from my emotional support system. It is NEVER ok for anyone to put their hands on anyone else regardless of gender when you do its abuse and its dysfunctional and you need to seek therapy and leave that relationship. If you cannot communicate with out psychologically abusing each other you need to do the same.


  5. luannerene

    “no ones above an ass whipping” there are some times and some people who walk thru restraining orders never pay their fines and get well rested in jail and come out abusing people again like they just dont get it . take that same scenario but this time kick his ass right back every time he kicks his ladys ass…. kick it good … and it wont take but 2 maybe 3 times and he ll do one of two things stop doing it or get out of dodge either one works … so violence does have a place in our society…. some people dont learn any other way but to treat them like they re treating others …


  6. Martha

    Thankyou for your amazing article which explains so well the moral insanity of these monsters. Strength to you and the many victims you help.


  7. Pingback: Run, don’t walk. “Covert psychological murder is the most under-cover and unrecognized form of abuse that exists…” – pRojeCt ME

  8. Pingback: After – Post 1 -Crazy Making – Absolutely Patsy

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