Abuse-Can Be Subtle and Deadly

People hear the word “abuse” and assume physical violence, but there are many forms of abuse. There are your run of the mill a-holes, wife beaters and cheaters and then in a class all of their own, are narcissists/psychopaths. Even narcissism has varying levels of abuse and degrees of severity, some narcissists, although cheaters and liars never physically abuse their partner and are able to hold down jobs. At the other end of the spectrum are the narcissists who destroy all who come in contact with them. It has taken me a long time to accept I was involved with a narcissist and even longer to realize and accept how truly evil he was and the danger I was in. One of the most powerful weapons the abuser has to keep the victim in the relationship is the victim’s own denial.

In my quest for answers I came across a couple who claimed he was a narcissist and she, through her love for him, discovered how to “cure” him. For anyone to claim they can cure a narcissist is a dangerous game to play. As is typical of the victim, my hope was restored and I clung to any remote chance; I could “cure” my ex also. I was quick to grasp at anything that indicated if I tried harder, was more understanding and loved unconditionally I could save the relationship and my ex. That was almost 15 years ago, I don’t know if they are still around but you would figure if it was possible to cure a narcissist the internet would be full of testimonial about their discovery. Never think you can love the narcissist well, or if you try just a little harder to please him things will be ok. We are strong women, we tend to think we can give a little more, bend a little farther and then we find ourselves in too deep to extricate ourselves.

I read somewhere that a woman will stay in or go back to an abusive relationship as long as she feels there is something she can do to “fix” it; until she feels she has done everything she can do, she won’t leave on her own. With my experience I can only say that the longer I stayed and the more times I went back the more severe and insidious the abuse got.

With physical abuse there are often signs of abuse, bruising etc and people are much more apt to believe the victim, come to their assistance, and support them emotionally or financially.

Emotional abuse is ambiguous and hard to prove, the victim is less likely to get support and people tend to think they are exaggerating, overly sensitive or antagonizing the abuser. Society in general does not view psychological or emotional abuse as “dangerous” and feel that if the person isn’t treating you the way you would like just leave. They don’t understand the damage done to the emotional state of the victim or the potential danger to the victim.

All abuse stems from the abusers need to control the victim, whether it is physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, or financial abuse.

A narcissist at his worst will use a combination of all the above abuse tactics and can leave the victim paralyzed, unable to make decisions, hopeless, depressed and lacking the self-confidence to help themselves. They no longer feel like themselves, having lost their soul to the narcissist, they don’t even know who they are any more and have lost all trust in a fair and just world.

The most dangerous of all abuse is Ambient Abuse, Often called “crazy-making”, or “gas lighting”, it is the stealth, and subtle, underground maltreatment that sometimes goes unnoticed even by the victims themselves until it is too late. It is ambiguous and atmospheric and very hard to pinpoint or prove; hence it’s insidious and deadly effects.

Ambient Abuse is the fostering of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There is no tangible evidence of abuse but the victim constantly senses a bad omen or premonition of impending doom. It is perpetrated by dropping subtle hints, by disorienting, by constant and unnecessary lying, by persistent doubting and demeaning and by inspiring an air of unmitigated gloom and doom. Insisting the victim did not see or hear what they did, hiding personal items of the victim but blaming the victim, insisting the victim said or did certain things that the victim did not do but eventually starts to doubt their own perception of reality.

Over the long-term this environment eats away at the victim’s self esteem and their self-confidence is severely damaged. Many times the victim starts to act paranoid and highly emotional, which makes them look like the mentally unstable one and the abuser is the poor suffering soul. Some examples of ambient abuse would be withholding affection or intimacy, rolling their eyes when you express an opinion or criticizing your actions “for your own good”.

There are 5 categories of ambient abuse:

Inducing Disorientation

The abuser causes the victim to lose faith in her ability to manage and cope with the world and its demands. She no longer trusts her instincts, her skills, her strengths, friends, family, or the benevolence and predictability of her environment.

The abuser challenges his target’s perception of the world, right and wrong, her judgment and offers plausible but false alternatives. my ex would always say he couldn’t handle my warped perception of reality, until I questioned myself for getting upset he was seeing other women and whether I was actually being abused. By continually criticizes her decisions he makes her doubt her ability to make wise choices. With his pathological lying he blurs the lines between reality and nightmare. He constantly violates her boundaries and disrespects her values, feelings and opinions, “deal breakers” such as drug abuse, infidelity, lying and stealing become common place and she is made to feel she is in the wrong for confronting him on his indiscretions or that somehow she is to blame for them.

For most of our relationship my ex refused to come to bed, at first he always came to bed then he would stay up until 3 or 4 am, then he was coming to bed just in time to have sex before we had to get up for work, and the last few years he rarely came to bed at all. He said he just didn’t need sleep, but he would fall asleep anywhere and everywhere, he could sleep standing he’d be so tired. He never said I was unattractive, I had always been confident sexually but after a while I lost all confidence in my ability to satisfy a man. He would say he loved me and I was over reacting to be upset he didn’t come to bed, or he would say he didn’t come to bed because I didn’t make him feel welcome in bed. I would make more of an effort and be told I was being too pushy and needy.

By overreacting to the slightest mistake on her part and setting her up with demands impossible to meet he intimidates her to the point of paralysis.

Incapacitating

The abuser gradually takes control over the victim’s freedom and ability to be self-sufficient (i.e.: their vehicle is never working, they lose their job, loss of friends and support system due to never being able to entertain or attend events because of the N) it is very subtle and done in such a way that the victim doesn’t realize what is happening until it is too late. Then they find themselves isolated from the outer world and a hostage to the goodwill – or ill will of their captor.

The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, and unpredictable situations where his skills or knowledge is sorely needed. He orchestrates circumstances where his specific skills, connections, or traits are the only ones useful and helpful. In this way he creates his own indispensability; giving him another reason to resent his victim and another excuse to be angry with her for being needy. (my ex used to sabotage my vehicle, I would have no choice but to call for his help and he would make me wait hours and make it sound like it was a HUGE inconvenience and effort on his part to help me, but acted like the benevolent rescuer when he got there. He also got me evicted from every place I lived or we lived making us homeless and me dependent on him for everything) Right up to the last day we were together he constantly told me I would never find a man who would rescue me like he always had and I believed him. The truth is, I had many men willing to help me when my ex was out of the picture but my vehicle didn’t break down like it did when I was with my ex either.

Shared Psychosis

The abuser creates a fantasy world inhabited by the victim and himself besieged by imaginary enemies. The enemies may be people they know, (or totally made up) these people are plotting against them, lying to them or about them, basically “out to get them, and destroy their relationship” and she is expected to stand by him, fight against these enemies, lie, and pretend. She is continually “tested” and must prove her continued affiliation and support of him.

Eventually this constant stress reduces the victim’s resistance and ability to “see straight”. At one point my son lived with us and my ex tried to convince me that my son wanted to murder us in our sleep. He said he woke up in the middle of the night with my son standing by the bed just staring at us. Many years later his son came to live with us and within a short time he was telling me he had woken up in the middle of the night with his son standing beside the bed staring at us while we slept. He told me he had found ashes under the trailer we lived in and his son had tried to burn the trailer while we slept.

Abuse Of Information

From the first moment the abuser meets his victim he is collecting information. He will reveal just enough dirt about his past to put his target at ease so they feel safe opening up about their fears, indiscretions, and weak areas. The more he knows about his potential victim the easier it is for him to coerce, charm, manipulate and extort her. Whereas he was sympathetic when he first meets her once the mask drops he will use any information he has to belittle, criticize, discredit, and embarrass. He has no qualms using information he gleans to achieve his goals or destroy the target.

Control By Proxy

If all else fails the abuser will recruit a third-party to do his bidding. That 3rd party could be family, friends, institutions, teachers, the media, the authorities, and he uses them to cajole, threaten, stalk, harass, communicate, and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware accomplices exactly as he controls his victim and dumps them unceremoniously when the job is done.

Many narcissists do not physically abuse their victims, they are able to control them through psychological and emotional abuse which is much less likely to be detected and it’s much easier to deny and make the victim look crazy. My ex strangled me once (and denied it, according to him he didn’t strangle me or choke me, he just had his hands around my neck) and he hit me a handful of times in the 10 yrs we were together. There was no need to hit me, like most women after he hit  me the first time all he had to do was come at me with his fist raised and I would back down, but near the end even backing down didn’t stop him. It was as if he knew it was ending and he had nothing to lose by not holding back.  We went several years without him actually hitting me, but like my son said, that doesn’t mean he’s changed it just means you walk on eggshells.

What we all forget as victims is: IT IS NEVER OK FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN (vise versa) there is absolutely no excuse for hitting a woman unless she was coming at him with a knife. There is nothing a woman can do that justifies getting hit, he can walk away, hit a wall if he has to hit something but she can not MAKE him hit her. Another thing we have to remind ourselves of: He knows exactly what he is doing and that it is wrong, he expects you to lie about it to everyone and if someone came to the door he would stop. If he was so justified in what he was doing there would be no need to lie and IF life with you is so unbearable that he feels he has no choice but to hit you then he needs to leave the relationship, BEFORE he finds your replacement!

Narcissists control by keeping their victim off-balance, another tactic for this is to not respond to something that would normally send them into a rage. They appear unaffected by an argument and act as if nothing happened leaving the victim waiting for the shoe to drop. Have no doubt that the narcissist will get revenge; he is the king of passive aggressive behavior that punishes the victim. He will take or destroy something of value to the victim. It could be weeks or months after the incident when the victim realizes a treasured possession in missing or broken, of course the N will deny knowing anything about it. This is most likely to happen when her focus is shifted on something other than the N, perhaps a child or other family member she is concerned about, anything that takes the attention off the N. (In 10 years I had all my clothes stolen, my photos had anti freeze dumped on them, memento’s were lost, my son’s baby teeth disappeared but the container they were in was in my ex’s music room, 3 vehicles were stolen, my vehicles were tampered with, the amount of hours I spent broken down on the side of the road would boggle your mind, almost weekly I would need him to rescue me, he made me miss events that were of immense importance to me, I was unable to finish my college education, every single piece of personal property I had was destroyed or stolen. I do not own anything today that I owed 16 years ago, nothing. Oh sorry, a few Christmas decorations, that is it)

The best indicator that you are a victim of ambient abuse is your gut; throughout the 10 years of my relationship with my ex I denied what my gut was telling me. And I wish with all my heart that you believe me when I say; it does not get better, his apologies mean nothing, he is only manipulating you further. Get out!! Before it’s too late.

Link to a post from 2012 one year after JC and I split, You can’t be first but you can be next http://wp.me/p1wKh3-kb

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364 Replies to “Abuse-Can Be Subtle and Deadly”

  1. Wow. Five stars for absolutely certain. I am writing about abuse at the moment, and it will culminate (it happened in the past) but I for one can verify it is so subtle, and eats away at you so bit by bit, you doubt yourself so much, your own instincts,

    that it happens. And bad.

    This is an excellent, excellent piece. May EVERYONE IN THE WORLD read it.

    Ladywithatruck, I came by because I see you subbed. I wanted to say thank you, I’m honoured :). I hope you appreciate my story. For you to know, from my first post to the most current, it is the true story of my life and my baby, what he was born into.

    Your blog is very very worthwhile. I really appreciate what you’ve taken time to write and put out there in the world. If I may, I’d like to add you to my blogroll.

    Kindest best… N’n.

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  2. WFFME’s thank you so much, I’m glad you feel my experiences are worth sharing. That was my intent when I started this blog; hopefully help someone else in the same situation or open someone’s eyes to what goes on behind closed doors.
    I am complimented you want to add me to your blogroll! By all means!
    Have a great day!:)
    Carrie

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    1. I just found this blog last night and I’ve been reading and thinking about it all day today. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It does give me hope! I’ve been in a toxic relationship for 8 years and didn’t know the words to describe his abuse. Anytime I’ve tried to explain it to anybody I just come across sounding paranoid and crazy. People think it’s too bizarre to be true but it’s all true! What you have said is shockingly accurate and some things are word-for-word what he has said and done. I’ve had difficulty understanding how he’s made me feel so unsure of myself but I feel strangely optimistic now, knowing I’m not the only one. Again, thank you so much.

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      1. hope4freedom, I am so glad you found some answers and hope here. We have a group of wonderfully supportive people here that usually comment on the Ending the Relationship page (found at the top of the Home page), you can comment any where you like but if you need support or just to vent to people who can relate to what you are saying, pop in and say hi. We are all at different stages of our recovery but we’ve all been where you are and can relate.
        Hugs
        Carrie

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    1. Hey Rumpy haven’t seen you for a while. Thanks for dropping in.:) Did you get lotsa. Turkey?

      Yeah they can totally drain a person, this last time I was a shell of a person. I felt absolutely depleted and beaten down, no pride, no joy, I can’t believe the damage they do. It’s indescribable.

      I kept going back that was my big mistake. Every time I left he upped the anti to get me back until I’d give in. I would have done a lot of healing and be feeling strong again and be doing well, working making money taking care of business. I’d think I can handle him now, I know the signs, I won’t give up control this time, and he’d be apologizing for everything, promising the moon, counseling what ever he thought I wanted to hear.

      I’d go back and it wouldn’t be long before he’d start with the abuse, but he’d be sabotaging my vehicle or something subtle that would eat away at my independence and once he had me dependent then the physical and emotional abuse would start.

      And every time it was a little more violent and a little more brazen (like in front of someone). God help me if I ever went back now.

      I think of these women who are in these kind of relationships for 2o-3o yrs, how do they survive?

      I used to feel like I was in a game of chess, always trying to figure out what he was doing, was he lying, trying to figure out what would set him off and avoid doing it, nothing worked because he kept changing the rules, changing what he said, telling me I didn’t see what I saw or hear what I heard. Crazy making! And its true, you do go crazy and then they point at you and say who would want someone like you, you’re nuts!!

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  3. It must be fate that brought me to your blog as I am still struggling with an N ex-husband. I don’t talk about it too much, prefer to use humor to cope, but your blog is a godsend and I will cozy-up with a nice cup of tea and my computer tonight. Thank you for writing about this.

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    1. KL thank you for dropping by. A godsend eh? (How can you tell I’m Canadian haha) Wow! I am honored you think so.

      I am so glad you have found my blog useful. Please feel free to comment on anything or add your own experiences.

      It takes a long time to get over a relationship with a narcissist; I’m not there yet myself but I finally believe it is possible.

      Enjoy your tea and thanks for dropping by.

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      1. Hello
        I have been reading your blog for days and it has opened my eyes to my situation, I feel alone and would like to share my story here.My ex n was the worst case of narc ive read so far and he matches all the traits. Where can i write it. Please help me get ovet this, only you could understand. He really screwed me up and nobody understands or believes me, he is the gentleman and me the crazy one 😦

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        1. Cynthia,
          I am so sorry it took me so long to reply, my internet connection is sporadic at best and then I lost your comment.

          I would love you to share your experiences, I have been meaning to add a page just for that purpose. I will go do that right now.

          Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to share

          Hugs
          Carrie

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      2. Hi! This is Lisa:) and i want to say that i am so very grateful to so many who do write from their heart on here.It gives me comfort,truth,and justifies my current life(marriage of only 3 years,3 months) terrible to find that you may have been cat fished and completely misinterpreted this person to unknown heights.Amazing enough i have not given up my spirit i instead ignore his inabilities and passiveness PLUS give him eye contact at this point when he evades,diverts,or the occasional compliment.I know where i am going and that is away.With all the love, respect,christianity and kindness! I wish all of you were in my YAHOO contacts!!!!….WOW! may i call you my friends or what! LOL…everybody “SMILE”! from Lisa…..oh yeah that’s my favorite quote!
        my best,
        on the road to better and just so it’s acknowledged, please know that some people are just better as part time? friends.Did that make since??? lol

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    2. I don’t usually talk about my Narcissist either. Most people don’t believe me and I come off sounding like an emotional, crazy woman who is just paranoid. But the more I learn about Narcissism, the more my life makes sense. I’ve known for a long time “The Warden” was playing some kind of sick game but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. And I didn’t know why he’d want to do this anyway, but now I believe he has some serious issues and he just can’t help himself. He will never change and he will never see the error of his ways. It’s not just ‘his way or the highway’ but he is truly incapable of seeing any alternative to his way of thinking. In his mind, he is the be all, see all, king of the universe. The Warden is so delusional in his view of life, and what really gets me, is that he is overweight and not sexually attractive now but still acts as if he’s a gift to humankind! Lol. He is so condescending and arrogant and he lies CONSTANTLY. Seriously, he lies all the time about anything and everything, relevant or not. He is a compulsive, pathological liar and this ties right in with a true Narcissist. His lies keep me twisted up and confused and that’s just want he wants. I have to keep reminding myself that he cannot be trusted! I’m still not immune to falling for his mess because I want him to change but I know he never will and I have to keep my guard up until I can make me escape to freedom as painless as possible.

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  4. This one is so true because you don’t even see it until after you have left. It slipped out on his end when he was drinking at the start of the relationship. He called me the c-word. He apologized for it and stopped for a while. I blamed his abusive ex before me and though maybe he had baggage he needed to get over and she really was a horrible person to him Then he began to disguise his calling me stupid and a slut as a joke, leave the house without going me a kiss and then call me to say”did I give you a kiss when I left?”. By the end he was mocking me. I blamed myself for nagging about certain things and not giving him enough affection after all he did for me (gifts vacations). I would question my own sanity and blame his antidepressants on whether or not he remembered not giving me a kiss. He must be a master at emotional abuse if he can play that off and make me feel like I’m not important enough to remember to kiss goodbye. The next one is blinded by his looks and his money and success im sure. It will come out one day and I will be happy it’s not me! Thanks for this website-God bless you for being through so much .it is truly spot on!

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    1. Gina,
      I am glad you have found something of value here. My main purpose in starting this blog was so women who are thinking they are losing their mind realize it isn’t them that’s crazy.

      Narcissists are experts at crazy making, the I love you but treat you like crap push/pull; keep you off balance. So typical to call later and pretend he forgot to kiss you.

      JC would go weeks refusing to say I love you. But when he came to me in tears a couple of months ago he said he always loved me, didn’t he tell me that. I told him, you said lots of things and promised lots of things and didn’t mean any of them. It was really hard to feel the love when you were standing over me with your fist raised to hit me. He didn’t have anything to say about that.

      Be prepared for him to come back and try to suck you back into his web. It is VERY common for them to make a “curtain call”. Just when you think you are almost over them, your life is coming together out of the blue they will come back sweet as pie, full of apologies and promises to change. Don’t believe it!!!!

      The one thing you can be certain of; he may be able to sweep a new woman off her feet but the truth always come out. Looking back I can see so many red flags that I ignored in the beginning; like him calling you the C-word. And its always someone else’s fault.

      Thanks for stopping by Gina.
      God bless you and keep you safe and happy.
      Carrie
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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    2. Its been a month in a half or so since I left. I finally finally ended all communication this weekend. The longer I am away, the more I remember….the more I see what a liar and how he never was the man I thought he was. The flashbacks keep coming. Yes, I can see the red flags that I wish I would have paid attention to in the beginning. There is no way I could have really have seen them for what they were without knowing what I know now. I didn’t think people as cold and heartless as this could really exist. The never ending gas lighting and crazy making and deflecting his mistakes and faults on me. Never in my life would I think that I would let anybody do the things he did to me or talk to me the way he did…but they are experts …you don’t know what is happening until it’s too late. They are abusive. He tried to tell me this past weekend I have been abusive to him…..biggest bunch of bs I have ever heard in my life. It hurts still, but I think the fact that he could actually say that to me made something click. Nobody deserves to be abused and then have the abuser tell you how you hurt them. What pathetic, soul-less human beings they are.

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  5. Hi, just found your blog, so still reading a lot of it. But, wow, that was my life! Yes, women can be N, my mother is the master at it! I believed I could do nothing right, and was a rotten person until I was 20. I left home at 16, my sisters left early also. She was/is the nicest person if you ask her friends, but for her family, oh not so much. The amazing part is that us kids managed to grow up into pretty good people. We tried living with her for 6 months, cause she is getting older ya know, and that was a nightmare! My youngerst daughter is so scared of her now! And I thank god for caller ID daily!
    I ended up living with a N for 5 years, he was the nicest guy! ha ha. The first year was wonderful. sigh, Then he warped into this weird person, and I reverted to a wimp. I gave up my house, my car, my job and my appearance. He had this ex-wife ya see, and he wanted her back, so he tried to make me into her without me knowing it. He bought me clothes, and got rid of my others. He took me to get my hair cut, and I thought I was getting a trim, ha, it was so short I cried. If I argued with him about anything he would be gone for days, and oh I had no one to talk to but him and my kids(not his). No car so I couldn’t go anywhere. Then he would be so sorry and make it up to me.
    I kept waiting for “it to get better, like it was”. Never happened, it got so bad, he said it was my fault for catching him in my bed with his ex-wife! I came home too early from the store! And I wasn’t supposed to be jealous because, oh I don’t remember why not now. It just went on, and on and on.
    Long story short, he is finally gone, no more walking on eggshells! He put an add in the personals and married her! At least that’s his story!
    And I am going to have my daughters read this blog for the danger signs of N!! Thank you. Although it is so hard to see at first because they are so good at being so bad.

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    1. Michelle, I am so glad you have found something of value here. Thanks for your comment!

      Isn’t it amazing how all narcissist’s are so much alike. When I first started researching trying to figure out what was happening with JC I would read what other women had been through and be so relieved it wasn’t just me! He kept telling me I was paranoid and imagining things and yes; it is always our fault!
      Isn’t amazing how they can get you so confused and full of self doubt that you accept the most bizarre things as “normal” or acceptable. Like it was your fault you caught him in bed with his ex because you came home early. Just like I was causing conflict because I found his personal ad on the internet. Everything was fine until I did that.

      They always want to hang onto the ex; just in case they need the ego boost.

      It sounds like you went through the same abuse I did, My ex always made sure I didn’t have a running vehicle, that way I couldn’t leave nor could I check up on him when he didn’t come home and he said he was at work.

      It must have been very hard starting over with nothing and children to care for also.

      You are a very strong lady! Congratulations for getting away from him.

      Yes, I think all teens especially girls, should be taught in school about narcissists. They are evil people who destroy so many lives. Stats say 1 in 4 people are narcissistic; that’s scary! My dad was a narcissist but not to the degree JC was. When you are raised by one it makes you so much more vulnerable to their abuse because walking on eggshells was basic training as a child.

      Good luck to you in the future. Wishing you much love and happiness. 🙂
      Carrie
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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  6. Thanks for that useful information, presented in such a clear way. It’s also difficult sometimes to know when “control” ends and actual “abuse” begins. I ran a whole series of posts on “controlling spouses” and tried to address some of the issues you do, as well, about when control becomes abuse (not of the physical kind). If you’d find that helpful, the series starts with “Under My Thumb–Controlling Spouses, Part I” at http://wp.me/p22afJ-71 and carries on from there. As you note, all abuse stems from the abusers need to control the victim, so the two categories are not far apart. Hoping you–or your readers–can find something useful in the posts, and can continue to be strong and make a new life for yourself, un-cowed, un-abused, un-controlled, and free.

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    1. Candida, you have a very informative site and I have put a link to it on my list of recommended sites. Thank you for sharing that with me and my readers. There is something for everyone and very concise and easy to understand but thorough.

      I just did a quick run through but will be back to read more soon.

      Thanks again from dropping by, your comments, the information and the well wishes.

      Carrie

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  7. This is a really great, helpful post. It really helps me to sort out so much of the fuzz in my past relationship. It’s scary how much you don’t even notice it until it is way to late. Saying it out loud to people now they always comment, how did u not notice it, and sometimes I feel like I was a fool not too. But its hard, hard to stop caring about someone too, even when u know what it is.

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    1. No one can understand if they haven’t experienced it first hand. I didn’t realize it at the time (and I am sure JC had some thing totally opposite planned), I was very upset when he had his sister living with us and when his son was with us. He wouldn’t buy food and stuff and leave me to take care of them. I’m sure that he thought they’d be loyal to him and it was another way to keep me down. He didn’t count on them taking my side and seeing how abusive he was. It ended up being the best thing that ever happened because I finally had people who had seen it first hand.

      And what surprised me was they would get so upset and angry over shit he would do and be shocked I wasn’t reacting. He used to say I was over reacting all the time so I had learned to not react and I was so used to him not coming home, cheating, sabotaging my truck etc It got very predictable and “normal” for us. I had become desensitized to a lot of the abuse. It is a survival mode we get into, plus we’ve been brain washed into thinking we are the ones who aren’t thinking right.

      Things come back to me even now and it’s 1 1/2 yrs later. I think about things that I accepted that make me ill now. I would NEVER have accepted it from any other man I had been with or will be with. It happened over time, slowly, they are plain evil.

      The more we understand about them the less likely we are to get sucked in again.

      I am so glad my blog has helped you in your healing process.

      God bless you and I pray you go on from here stronger, wiser and find the love you deserve. Carrie

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  8. Great post. It is very important to discuss these matters and alert others as to the problems that exist. You say the methods are subtle that disempower a person being abused. They sure are but they can be exposed. And I am talking medical evidence, the stuff the doctors are trying to hide. When you see the truth you will find that the problem is mega huge, only people don’t realize it. Come to my blog at http://kyrani99.wordpress.com/ and see how you can discover the means by which abuse is meted out and how you can win against them.

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    1. How to get out. That’s what I want to know. Physically, mentally and mentally abused by my creep of a husband. For 12 yes. TOMOROW is our 12th wedding anniversary. He started a fight today, and I stood up to him. Locks himself in his room. It is all to sick. Financially y, how can I do it?. He took early retirement after I was injured at work. Not getting work comp. Rent raised. How did others get out , and away from this so silent and poisonous abuse?He acts all loving in front of others, working at becoming a pillar in our congregation. People think I am crazy. If only I would be more patient, and more loving. IT DOESN’T WORK!!!

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      1. Jayne, 12years is long enough to suffer! I stayed way longer than I should have because I didn’t think I could leave. I had nothing!! I mean literally my clothes, photos, some keepsakes and my dog. I didn’t have a bank account, no money; the day I left I had 1/2 a pack of smokes, and $.25.

        You can leave! Look in the phone book for a number , or Google “domestic violence” in your area. If there isn’t a number call a crisis hot line, mental health, a church, you could even try a school or daycare center because they must have a number to call to report child abuse. There must be some resource near you; they can help you plan your exit. Even if you have to go to a shelter for awhile it is better then staying and allowing yourself to be beaten down Snyder more

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        1. This Dang phone grrrrrr it cut me off. Jayne i meant to say beaten down any more. You don’t know how much damage he is doing to you because you are in survival mode and have blocked so much of it because it is impossible to digest it all or deal with it all. Not until you are away from him will you realize how truly sick he is.

          For now though you have to be strong and secretive. You csn’t let him know you are leaving because the abuse always gets worse when they think they are losing control of their victim.

          If you have a trusted friend get them to help you, even if they do the phoning around for shelters etc. When I left I had talked to a friend and told her what was happening and she talked to another friend and I was allowed to stay in a mobile home that was furnished but empty. It was a horrible mess and I thought I couldn’t stand to live there but I double gloved my hands and started cleaning and it was great for awhile until I could get my feet under me a bit. Life is still tough but I am safe and huge steps towards a healthy happy life.

          Get as much support as you can; swallow your pride and ask for help. I know its hard, its scary, and it can seem insurmountable but you can do it!!! If I can you can too.

          But you MUST protect yourself first, you may not think he could really harm you but faced with you leaving you have no idea what he is capable of.

          Good luck and pleAse let me know how you are doing. I am so sorry it took me so long to reply; I don’t have the net at home: but I will be praying for your safety.
          Hugs
          Carrie

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  9. Wow, reading this is like a tick box. My ex threw me out 3 weeks ago, we’d lived together for only 7 months. They were the most miserable 7 months of my life. We were together 4 years. He started off lovely then gradually he would comment on what I wore, etc, say people always questioned him why I was weird, quiet whatever.
    He never made an effort to talk to my son and sometimes refer to him as the liitle shot then day he was only joking.
    8 months ago I miscarried, the morning I had to go to hospital coz of bleeding he got out of bed and gave me the cab fare and said text me how you got on! It was delayed miscarriage and after several scans none of which he came to I had an ERPC . He showed nothing , no sadness or feeling and didn’t hold me or anything .
    That was when I began to back off, he like you said would sleep on the sofa all night, since the miscarriage he refused to ejaculate when we had sex and said he could will himself not to.
    He constantly through the 4 years has kept in contact with his ex even though he knows I don’t like it. She sleeps around and is an alcoholic whose daughter was put in care die to her neglect but he thinks this woman is fantastic!
    He’s the most selfish man ever refusing to lend me his umbrella when it was raining knowing I was meeting a friend and would be soaked
    I’m now 41 and living with my parents trying to come to terms with this and also still healing from losing my baby.
    I never will go near anyone that disgusting, cold and unfeeling again. It almost wrecked me.
    Your blog is amazing knowing I wasn’t mad after all, I still have all my stuff and his house and need to remove it soon, I’m dreading it.

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    1. KJ OMG I am so sorry I haven’t replied yet; actually I did reply and it didn’t show up. I am sorry you are going through this and a miscarriage also.
      The response of your ex was so typical of a narcissist when someone is going through something traumatic. I had to beg my ex to take me to emergency when I was sick, it took me turning blue because I couldn’t breath.
      I am so glad you found something useful here. I wish you all the best.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      1. I had a miscarriage and he said if I had carried to fill term he would have just taken the baby from me and used my mental illness to get full custody.then he said it want his and that’s why I had the miscarriage in the first place

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  10. Wow. The crazy-making ambient abuse really is difficult. You know something is off…you know it….but then they make you feel horrible for ever doubting them (even when you have proof). It is all fresh for me and I still have doubts about what is true and what isn’t. I do know that the horrible things he would say to me when was angry with me is not ok, no matter how much he told me to take it “in context”. I know I never did anything that deserved such unkind words. I know that he is not justified in lying to me and sneaking behind my back. Deep down I know this, but I am still so confused as to what my part was in it. If i could have done something different. If it’s my fault he treated me like a child at the end and made me feel like he was the only one that counted in our relationship. Man, is it hard. I am sure with more time, the full spectrum of abuse will be evident to me. I mean, he did tell me over and over “you make me want to hate you”…and once even said “you make me want to kill you”. I honestly don’t believe he would ever do anything even close to that and I pretty much ignored it when he said it, but it was a shocker. Thank you for once again, making me see that I am not alone in this.

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    1. Twistedheart,
      I know how hard it is to accept but you really couldn’t have done anything different, no matter what you did the final outcome would have been the same. Even if you wouldn’t have reacted he would have kept pushing until you did. They thrive on pushing people’s buttons and getting a reaction, that tells them that you care and they have control over you. The relationship really had little to do with you, or the next woman he gets involved with. They are so good at laying guilt trips and manipulating people that of course we doubt ourselves; it is all a sick game to them. It is like they are playing a game of strategy, every thing they do and say is planned to get what they want. They assume every one else is as conniving as they are because they don’t have feelings like a normal person. To them it is “get them before they get you”, if you cry they think it is a ploy on your part to get something from them; part of your strategy.

      Please don’t underestimate he ability to harm you, I never thought JC could really hurt me but I don’t any more. Like I said, and you have to remember this: they do not have a soul, no conscience, no remorse, no guilt, no boundaries. What would stop him from killing you? if he thought it would benefit him in some way or he was angry enough. Just be careful please. You are not alone and as time goes on you will see things more clearly and see that there is nothing more you could have done.
      What helped me was going over each item one by one and asking myself “what could I have done different”. Example:
      Him cheating; at first I got upset about the personal ads and then I told myself that they didn’t mean anything really and he would never do anything about them. So I stopped getting upset about them and he started seeing some of them, telling other women he loved them etc. I couldn’t live with that. The only thing that didn’t happen was I didn’t catch in bed with one but I am sure that would have happened eventually.
      He always said I owed him money so I started keeping exact records of all the money I got from him and how I spent it and made sure I paid my own way to everything but he still demanded money from me and said I owed him. My records meant nothing, he just made up his own version and called me a liar”
      I marked on my calendar every day if I cried or got angry with him because he said I was always doing both, I let things slide that he knew would hurt me and he would just do something worse.

      You are not dealing with a normal person, they do not respond like a normal person, never will.

      Hugs
      Carrie

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  11. jayne, i was thrown out. had i not had a mother , father and sister i would still be in battered womens shelter. however, having stayed at battered womens shelter, it was actually very nice, comfortable, and safe. even if penniless they will provide food, shelter, semi private lodging. after what they did for me i will forever be indebted to these places. now my parents always donate clothing and other items to womens shelters. if you stay, you will get worse and worse. it is scary sometimes. thats all i can say. only way i could handle staying is medicating self with tranquilizers, sometimes to the point of blackout.

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