Author Archives: Carrie Reimer

About Carrie Reimer

I think everyone at one time or another thinks, "If I only knew then what I know now." I share my life experiences in hopes a few less people have to look back and want a "do over". Through my Lady Witha Truck blog I have spent 9 years sharing my experiences while being in an abusive relationship with a man I consider to be a narcissist/psychopath and through my other blog, Reimer Reason I share lessons learned throughout the 60 years of my life. No experience is a waste as long as you learn from it and if I can save someone else from making the same mistakes I made, then it makes it all worth while. I am an expert on my life, not yours, my opinions are my own, not yours, and I enjoy open respectful communication on most topics. If I don't have an answer I will research it until I do. I have a sweetheart of a dog named Stella, a 7 year old Pitbull, Mastiff cross. I am artistic, enjoy bringing new life to antiques, gardening, refurbishing and repurposing other people's "garbage", reading, writing and being outside in nature. I have a 36 year old son who I am extremely proud of and a 9 yr old granddaughter I don't see near enough. I live on welfare disability after a lifetime of working full time because I have heart failure. I have gone from being a homeowner and landlord to being homeless and living in my car and now live in an old 30' RV trailer that I bought off of Bidding Wars cheap and fixed up. I believe life would be far less stressful, and drama filled if we all just lived honest to our core self and listened to our gut. I have found inner peace, something I didn't think truly existed. It isn't what most people think it is.

There Is Such A Thing As Murder By Suicide

I started the blog in hopes that, by sharing my experiences with a narcissist I would help other women dealing with the same confusion and pain. Occasionally a man would come in and be angry because I was talking about narcissists as if all narcissists are men. I have always stated there are female narcissists, but I am writing about my personal experience and that is why I refer to narcissists as “he”, and there are more male narcs than females.

A few months ago in my local town, there was an emergency broadcast put out telling people to stay in their homes and lock the doors because there was a manhunt on for a guy with a gun. His girlfriend posted on Facebook that she and the children were ok but he had left the house with his gun and no one knew what his intentions were. She was afraid for his safety. Bulletins were every where with pictures of his truck and his smiling face.

I didn’t know the guy, he was only a couple of years older than my son; I guess that’s why he was on my mind a lot.

Days passed and it became a missing person’s case and then they found his truck, and then him, dead. Criminality was not suspected.

A couple of months later I received an invitation to a private Facebook group. I think I was included in a blanket invite to the site by mistake. I went to the site and it was for the friends of a local man who had recently died. I left the site because I realized I must have been invited by accident but curiosity sent me back and after reading for a few minutes I realized they were mourning the death of the man from the manhunt. He had shot himself, leaving two young children behind and a huge group of lifelong, loving friends.

Our local newspaper published an interview with the girlfriend and as all people do these days she had started a; “Go Fund Me” asking for money for the children’s education etc. from the newspaper article and Go Fund Me campaign I assumed the children were either hers and his or hers and he was the step dad. I did get a funny feeling in my gut reading the girlfriends interview, it seemed unemotional, detached, ……. just strange, but I chalked it up to being in shock and grief.

As I read the comments made by his friends and ex’s I got to know the kind of man he had been, a devoted father, hard working, award winning photographer, a nature lover, a sense of humor and a friend you could count on. He didn’t sound like someone who would commit suicide, he had so many friends who obviously loved him very much. Even his ex’s spoke highly of him.

Bit by bit I got a clearer picture of who this fellow was and the relationship he had with the woman claiming to be his girlfriend. It turns out that the grieving girlfriend hadn’t come home the night before and in fact been with another man. The man who killed himself had posted on FB that he was needing a place to live and the relationship was over, this time. There had been other breakups and a lot of drama in the relationship. Most of the friends didn’t like her and only tolerated her for his sake. Now friends are saying they wish they would have reached out that night he was looking for a place to live, but no one ever imagined he would kill himself.

From what I have read, she closed his FB account which means none of his friends have access to the pictures and conversations they had over the years. She has been telling lies about him and apparently none of the Go Fund Me money has made it to the kids ad she is milking the role of “heart broken wife of a man who killed himself.” It wasn’t even her that alerted his friends, it was another friend who couldn’t get a hold of him.

I wrote a comment to the group explaining she is a narcissist but I don’t know if it even made it to the wall. I hesitated to say any thing because I don’t know any of them and they might just think I am a nutcase. I thought maybe it would give someone a bit of peace of mind or answers. I don’t know. I felt I had been invited, even if by accident; for a reason. Because I have been there myself I could recognize right away she must be a narcissist.

I knew when I left my ex and was suicidal that he would milk everyone for sympathy if I killed myself and I would only give credence to his claims I was mentally unstable. When I messaged him I had taken a bunch of pills, he never call 911, my mother or brother, he had no idea if I had been successful or not. The next day a mutual friend got a call from him wanting to meet for coffee, then the friend got a feeling he should check on me and messaged my ex to meet him at my place instead. My ex never said a word about me messaging him that I had taken an overdose. I am sure he was waiting to hear from our friend that he had found me dead and was ready to cry real tears and be so remorseful and blame himself, expecting our friend to console him. I am SO glad my attempt didn’t work, but it took years to get here.

If you are feeling hopeless and thinking about suicide, first, GET HELP!!

THEN, remember, if you kill yourself you will only give him what he wants, he/she will have exactly what they want.

Once they are done with you and they deem you worthless, there is only one thing still of value to them, your pain, suffering and eventual death because of them; feeds their sick deprived need for attention. Imagine the act they would put on after you kill yourself! They will play it for all they can get and tell all the lies they want.

I think about what he must have dealt with from her that made him feel that worthless and hopeless and now his kids are without a father, she is getting all the attention and playing it and benefiting from his suffering. I wonder, had I known him before his death would I have been able to make him see the truth?

How many victims do we never hear about because they killed themselves?

The Narcissist’s Victim and PTSD

If you think you have escaped an abusive relationship with a narcissist and DON’T have PTSD, you probably aren’t aware of the symptoms of PTSD.

Here’s a brief list of some of the signs you probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Post-traumatic stress disorder can start immediately after the relationship ends or up to a year or more afterwards. The symptoms cause major problems in your work, relationships and how you function day to day and can become incapacitating for some people.

Symptoms come in four types, and can vary over time and person to person. They are:

Intrusive memories

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

  • Obsessively thinking about your ex
  • Flashbacks
  • Upsetting nightmares
  • Anxiety attacks triggered by some seemingly insigficant event

Avoidance

Symptoms include:

  • I developed a really strange avoidance habit and still fight it. When getting ready to go somewhere I avoid looking at the clock. I guess because my ex was always late. I also avoid looking at my bank account, I assume because I was so broke for so long.
  • Avoiding places, or activities you used to enjoy. Although you need to go no contact, this is to the extreme. I had to stay away from not only the neighborhood my ex was living, I avoided the whole town. The minute I got to his town I could feel myself getting anxious. To this day!

Negative changes to your outlook on life, which may include:

  • Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world ie: all men are assholes, everyone is out to get you, life is unfair, “I can’t do this”
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Hopelessness
  • Memory problems, you are forever losing your keys etc also often times traumatic events are forgotten
  • Feeling like you don’t fit in with family and friends any more and don’t know how to socialize and make small talk
  • Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Deadened emotions, no happiness, no sadness, just numb

Changes in how you reaction:

Which may include:

  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Constant feelings of impending doom
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as excessive drinking, spending
  • Sleeping disorders, sleeping too much or not at all. Ie: you may fall asleep immediately, but after a couple hours you are wife awake. Or you are exhausted, but the minute your head hits the pillow you’re wide awake.
  • Trouble concentrating on anything, tv, reading a book…
  • Irritability, angry outbursts, I would just SNAP over the slightest frustration or inconvenience, throw things, cry, yell. My poor dog! Then I would feel guilty because it was not me!
  • Guilt or shame

You may also be suffering from some physical illnesses that are commonly found with domestic abuse survivors, such as:

Fibromyalgia, heart failure, head aches, cancer, MS.

So many times victims are told to “just get over it” and people can’t understand why the victim can’t. The victim sees her ex out and happy with his new love interest and thinks there is something wrong with them because they can’t move on. They believe they must really be deeply in love with the narcissist otherwise they wouldn’t be in so much pain. For one thing, it is NOT normal to move on from a love relationship that fast! Two, you are confusing the symptoms of PTSD with the feelings of unrequited love. Sure a love relationship ending is painful and there is a mourning period of certainly months, if not years but PTSD is much more incapacitating.

The real kicker is, you could have been feeling completely healed, years out of the relationship, then something like this pandemic can throw you right back into experiencing symptoms again. Know you are not alone!

I’ll cover more ways you can deal with PTSD over the next few days.

As always, be patient with yourself, you can do this!

Love and hugs Carrie ❤️❤️😉

The Narcissist And The Pandemic

I have to admit I have no idea how a narcissist acts during a pandemic. It’s rather uncharted territory for everyone.

I can guess at how he will act. I can imagine my ex thinking he’s invincible, immune to anything that could kill him, using it as a venue to play the hero, rescue some lonely scared woman and also to scare his present victim into staying.

One thing I am certain of is that a narcissist never changes and never has an epiphany that turns him into a loving caring person. Even a pandemic will not make him realize what he has to lose and motivate him to change his ways.

What about the victims how does it affect them? It adds to their fear and uncertainty. If you were planning on leaving, it throws your plans all to hell. How can you leave when you have to socially distance or are on lockdown? Unfortunately it makes leaving all but impossible, so it means riding it out for awhile and staying as safe as you can. It means digging deep inside for strength to fight the fear and panic that keeps a person from acting logically and thinking rationally.

A narcissist feeds off of the emotions of others, maybe because he doesn’t have feelings of his own; playing with the emotions of others somehow gives him the next best thing.

I didn’t even have ID or a bank account and had to literally start all over from nothing at 52 years old. As if I woke up after being in a coma for 10 years, nothing was the same as it had been and I couldn’t remember who I was before the coma.

I will tell you this; I was always able to find a reason to stay. At first it was my brother’s addiction and my family being so worried about him. Then it was my son, then I had lost my job, I had to save enough for rent, there was always some plausible reason to stay. The first time I packed my bags and had my hand on the door knob about to leave was 2 weeks after I had moved in, and he cried and begged me to stay. I remember thinking, what have I got to lose? 9 years later I left with absolutely nothing, less than nothing, because I had sacrificed my pride, self esteem, confidence, the respect of my family and more importantly my self respect.

We split in November 2010 but had actually split many times during the relationship, like almost every 6 months. In 2008 we had split when my mother offered to buy me a mobile home as my early inheritance. Having the security of my own home again had motivated me to end it for good. I didn’t let him stay even one night in my new home and it wasn’t long before he moved away and we didn’t talk for 3 months.

My business was going wonderfully, I had been written up on the front page of the financial section of a prominent newspaper and couldn’t keep up with the calls for my services. I had started to date again, actually flirting with a guy who had been after me for over a year.

Then the economy tanked, but it only meant more work for me as companies shut down left and right. My mom and her second husband started pressuring me to sell my truck and “get a real job”, which was insanity, seeing as everyone was being laid off and I couldn’t keep up with all the work. I made $7500 in February 2009 alone. I was making my payments, my confidence was coming back, life was good except the pressure every morning from my folks. In November they had told me they had to sell my mobile home because of the market crashing, yet they went on an 8 week vacation. Telling me to find a place to move before they got back. They returned early March and true to their word they put my home up for sale.

When my ex called out of the blue I felt I had nothing to lose by talking to him. Take my advice; when ever you find yourself thinking, “what have I got to lose?” Think again! You always have more to lose, even when you think you’ve lost it all, a narcissist will take your soul and if you give him the chance, your life.

Had I done ANYTHING other than go back to him, I would be in better shape now. His whole purpose of coming back was to destroy me completely. The mind is a funny thing, it blocks out painful memories after a while. Like when you give birth and decide to have another child. I forgot how bad it had been and thought I knew how to handle him and avoid fights, protect myself financially and emotionally. But I had not seen what he was capable of yet, not even close. The pure evil that appeared once he had me back was, well, something out of a horror, thriller movie. Or Dirty John, the true story about a woman involved with a narcissist/psychopath.

You may be thinking you can’t afford to leave, but believe me, you can’t afford NOT to leave, even if you have no support. It will be the scariest thing you have ever done, but take that first step and don’t look back, you are stronger than you think.

Each person facing their own unique set of circumstances so I can’t advise you on exactly how you’ll do it but trust that you can.

I have the free download for a Safety Plan on how to leave a narcissist in the drop down menu at the top of the page. Make sure the narcissist doesn’t know you have it, (erase the history on the computer) but start preparing for your exit bit by bit.

If you have recently left the narcissist you are probably thinking you need him, you’re thinking about the new woman he’s isolating with, how you need someone to help you cope with the kids, the finances, and to just put his arms around you so you don’t feel so alone. This is not the time for “if onlys”, it is time to do some major self counsel and keep your head in reality. Who you thought he was, was a lie, an act and you know deep down that he wouldn’t have been there to support you through this or any other disaster, nature or one he created. The narcissist never made your life better, he created trauma and drama and caused you more worry and stress; especially when you needed him most.

Don’t let him sweet talk you into taking him back and don’t think the new woman is getting all the wonderful things about him. Maybe he is making sure you think he’s changed by putting on a good act but believe me history WILL repeat itself.

This is not the time to cave. You can do this.

You never know how strong you are until you get through what you didn’t think you could.

If it didn’t scare the hell out of you, if you knew you could do it; it wouldn’t take strength.

I used to tell myself;

“I can do anything for 24 hours. I just have to get through until tomorrow.” Sometimes it was hour by hour. Often times we look at what’s happening and think I can’t do this forever. It never is forever. Things change, they always get better. Don’t worry about what might never come to be. Keep your head in the here and now, just get through the next 24 hours.

My thoughts are with you all and I want to hear about your challenges and victories. Let’s pull each other close and support each other. I am going to check everyday to make sure you are all ok. Let’s talk.

Hugs❤️❤️❤️