Author Archives: Carrie Reimer

About Carrie Reimer

I think everyone at one time or another thinks, "If I only knew then what I know now." I share my life experiences in hopes a few less people have to look back and want a "do over". Through my Lady Witha Truck blog I have spent 8 years sharing my experiences while being in an abusive relationship with a man I consider to be a narcissist/psychopath and through my other blog, Reimer Reason I share lessons learned throughout the 60 years of my life. No experience is a waste as long as you learn from it and if I can save someone else making the same mistakes I made, then it makes it all worth while. I am an expert on my life, not yours, my opinions are my own, not yours, and I enjoy open respectful communication on most topics. If I don't have an answer I will research it until I do. I have a sweetheart of a dog named Stella, a 7 year old Pitbull, Mastiff cross. I am artistic, enjoy bringing new life to antiques, gardening, refurbishing and repurposing other people's "garbage", reading, writing and being outside in nature. I have a 36 year old son who I am extremely proud of and a 9 yr old granddaughter I don't see near enough. I live on welfare after a lifetime of working full time because I have heart failure. I have gone from being a homeowner and landlord to being homeless and living in my car. I continually strive to be the best me that I can be and look at life as a learning experience and an opportunity to learn about other people and myself. Never a dull moment!

Relationship Goals

 

http://www.iheartradio.ca/news/watch-bradley-cooper-lady-gaga-sing-shallow-in-vegas-1.8696604

If you haven’t seen the new “A Star Is Born”, you really need to. Once you do, you will join the millions of women around the world who want a love like Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga.

Come on, don’t deny it, even if you know it isn’t reality, there is this part of you that secretly wants that kind of passion, a love that can’t be denied, a love so strong, you forgive and forget over and over again.

Almost every victim of a narcissist will tell you that the narcissist is the love of their life, they are soul mates, and a love like that doesn’t come along everyday, you don’t just walk away from that kind of love. Anyone who tells you to be”just walk away and go no contact” doesn’t understand the intense love you have for each other. You will never find another love like this.

I have heard from hundreds of women; it was the most romantic, intense, whirlwind relationship they’ve ever had. They felt like they were in a romance movie. I remember thinking, “I thought this kind of love only happened in the movies”. A person doesn’t just walk away, from that feeling. The victim is in love with loving that person.

A narcissist is an academy award winning actor. It is no accident that you feel you are in a Oscar winning movie, some of the lines the narcissist fed you probably came straight from some movie, word for word.

A narcissist doesn’t have any true feelings, they study and imitate other people. Right now narcissists every where are watching women swoon over Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga, the way they stare into each other’s eyes, the intensity, the forbidden love they can’t deny, and they are probably practicing in front of a mirror.

When you meet the narcissist you feel like you have met your Bradley Cooper.

Even if at first you don’t really like him that much, it is a hard hearted Hannah who can walk away from a man who looks at them that way, who thinks you are the sexiest woman he has ever met, who’s touch sends electrical shocks through your body.

Since we were little girls we’ve been read stories about the prince who rides in and carries us away to live happily ever after, we’ve watched movies like Pretty Woman, Officer and A Gentleman, A Star Is Born, Dirty Dancing, to name just a few; and we dream of someday finding that kind of love.

When I met my ex the intensity made me pull away at first, I didn’t believe anyone fell in love that quickly. I struggled with feelings of wanting to run in the opposite direction because I hate love sick puppies and telling myself it’s ok if a man loves you more than you love him. For once in your life let a man take care of you, don’t be so damned independent, let your guard down and enjoy the moment.

When, after making love for the 3rd time that day; my ex stared into my eyes, pulled me close and held me like his life line; and with tears spilling onto his cheeks whispered, “I think I’ve fallen in love with you”. My heart filled with love for him and I thought to myself, “You have to be very careful to not hurt him”.

A year later I was thinking, “I don’t care if he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, as long as I can have him in my life, I will be happy.”

It’s what makes strong, self sufficient, intelligent women weak in the knees, willing to forgive the unforgivable and do seemingly stupid things.

It’s not that they can’t walk away, they don’t want to walk away. It’s the one thing they can’t do for themselves, they don’t need a man to provide for them, slay dragons for them, buy them a castle, or fix anything for them; they can do all that! But, to be loved just the way you are, to have a man look into your soul and love you like neither of you have ever loved before, or will again. To find your soul mate, find passion, is something a person can’t buy or fake, (or so we think).

I admit, even after experiencing my fairytale romance shattering into pieces; I still look at Bradley Cooper’s eyes when he looks at Lady Gaga, and I desperately want to believe.

And that is why, ladies and gentlemen; women stay.

There were times when my ex seemed genuinely baffled I was angry about catching him in a lie. He was giving me the fantasy, he was saying all the right things, why was I not happy? He didn’t understand why it mattered what he did with other women in other towns as long as he pretended to be faithful to me. As long as he called me every night,professed his love, told me how much he missed me and was going to bed early and alone; what did it matter if he was with another woman professing his love for her? To him, feelings were an obscure concept. How can you understand feelings if you are unable to feel?

But for the victim, the idea that someone could fake such intensity is impossible. But think about it, crying at the movies, if actors can make you believe, so can a narcissist.

Bradley and Gaga made a love movie, they acted in love and we fell for it. We want to believe.

“OMG, How Stupid Can She Be?”

My mom and I watched “Dirty John” on Netflix the other night. My mother kept saying how stupid Debra was to continue seeing John. I kept reminding her of the one thing people forget; that at the time it is happening the victim is not privy to what is going on behind the scenes.

When people watch the movie or even when the victim tries to explain what happened; they have the benefit of already knowing the person is an abusive narcissist, they know basically how the story ends.

No victim would have stayed had they seen the movie and knew how it would end.

I suppose they have to make the movie that way to show the audience the full story, but there really should be 2 movies, one simply showing what the victim saw and then a version showing what was truly going on.

You also have to understand what the victim has been through in their life and the dialogue playing in her head, before anyone can judge and say, “It would never happen to me.”

Like Debra, I had been a single mom for years, met some real losers, and had always been responsible, worked full time, bent over backwards for the people I loved and I was tired!

Like Debra and her daughter, my teenage son was giving me grief with his attitude.

Through the years and any relationship I had I was the main bread winner, the home owner, the reliable one, the peace keeper, and care taker. I had been told by men I dated that I was “too independent”. I watched girl friends meet guys who wanted to take care of them and spoil them. I was told I didn’t give the nice guys a chance because if a guy was clingy I dumped him. I hated love struck puppies.

In the months prior to meeting my ex, my 3rd marriage had failed, I lost my home and everything I had worked for the past 20 years and my ex claimed backruptcy, so I lost my pristine credit rating also. I had started a new job making $10/hr instead of the $17 I was used to. My son had quit school and I had lost all control of him.

I was done! I was tired, my face had broken out in acne for the first time in my life from nerves, my son treated me with disrespect, I was drinking too much, I felt defeated.

My mother owned a small cabin at a lake where I had once owned a cabin. I asked to rent it and she said I could take over the mortgage payments on it and any equity in it would be my inheritance. She had given my brother approximately the same amount when he bought his first house. We agreed to keep it in her name because my STB ex was going bankrupt and we didn’t want to take the chance of me losing the cabin.

I was to pay $650/month mortgage payment, which, on $10/hr; was hard enough to cover but there was a lease payment every year and property taxes totalling a couple thousand dollars.

I felt like that poster you used to see every where a few years ago, of the kitten clinging to the end of a rope by its claws. My mom was remarried to a man with money and they were traveling the world. She had only ever dreamed of a life like that and she was having the time of her life and understandably, didn’t want anything or anyone to burst her bubble.

My mother was calling me daily to complain about my son. As is typical in small communities, people gossip, everyone knows everyone’s business and she was hearing about my son’s activities.

I had to work and had no control of him during the day, his father said,”you wanted him, you got him, deal with it”. When I asked for help.

I was a prime target for the charms of a narcissist. The story book romance, my knight in shining armor, a man who made me feel sexy, alive, and like everything about me was perfect.

I wasn’t looking for love, I was looking to have a good time, but like they say, “When you stop looking for love, when you least expect it, love will walk into your life.”

Going Commando

As promised he called when he got off work and we arranged to meet to move his car.

I got there before him but he called to say he was only 10 minutes away. I was standing beside my car when he pulled in. He saw me and smiled, flashing me a peace symbol. (Who gives a peace symbol in 1999?)

Oh well, no one’s perfect.

He pulled up, rolled down his window, and immediately started apologizing for being late. I couldn’t help notice his bare chest, he was wearing the same black leather jacket, with only the bottom snap done up. I knew I was staring but couldn’t pull my gaze away, slightly tanned, just a bit of curly chest hair and a 6 pack. I am sure my mouth was hanging open.

He followed my gaze, and casually shrugged, “Oh……my shirt got dirty at work today so I took it off.”

I felt my cheeks getting warm, a tingling in my stomach that radiated down between my legs, I could feel myself getting wet.

I am sure I looked like a lobotomy patient and the voice in my head kept telling me to close my mouth before I started to drool.

He grinned, (he knew the effect he was having on me) jumped out of the car and said he needed something out of the trunk. I forced myself to look anywhere but at his chest, I actually feared I might reach out and touch him. When he turned his back to me, I rolled my eyes and almost laughed out loud, DAMN!! (His jeans were ripped revealing the boy went commando.)

To myself “You are done girlfriend. This boy knows exactly what he is doing and you are falling for it! Shame on you! But if I get a chance I am screwing this guy’s brains out.”

An argument started in my head.

Good girl me, “God, get a grip! He knows exactly what he’s doing.”

Bad girl me, “Yeah, so? So do I. He’s making me horny! There! I said it!!”

GGM, “You don’t even know him! And your acting like a school girl with a crush. Have some class! Your embarrassing me!”

BGM, “Oh grow up!! Where did being a good girl get me? I am sick of always being a good girl, behaving myself, being responsible. I want to have fun!”

GGM, “What about STD’s, what about your 40 year old ass?!!”

BGM, “ever heard of condoms? and what’s wrong with my ass? Guys love my ass?”

GGM, “You don’t even know how to put one on a guy!”

BGM, “You know, you are really starting to piss me off. We are all adults here. If I want to screw his brains out, no harm done. I am a big girl. I’ve been married 3 times, maybe I should have just screwed them instead of marrying them. Now, shut up!!”

GGM, “Ok, you might have a point. After all you have gotten your shit together, you are the most confident you’ve ever been. Kris is old enough, he doesn’t a mom any more. It’s your time to fly free. But, I am right here if you need me, don’t do anything stupid.”

BGM, “Shhh, he’s saying something and I totally missed it.”

He was holding the passenger door open for me.

We moved his car, a classic 71 Chevy Sprint.

I have always loved classic cars.

I thought it was rather strange he made a point of telling me he had fully insured both cars for a year. He also told me he had paid his rent in full for the length of the course he was taking. “He is young and trying to show you he’s responsible. That’s a good thing, right?

Don’t over analyze everything!

We stopped so he could buy a 6 pack of coolers, he asked if I would mind just sitting in the car and talking. He felt uncomfortable going in anywhere without a shirt and didn’t have a whole lot of time before he had to run to get the ferry.

We parked behind my car and just talked. Easy, getting to know you type conversation.

Did he have any kids?

Well, to be honest he didn’t know for sure. He had been very much in love with a woman and she got pregnant. He was trucking at the time, but got them an apartment and was looking forward to becoming a dad. She didn’t work, she was alot younger than him, so he was working long hours and coming home to do all the cooking and cleaning but he understood she wasn’t feeling well with the pregnancy.
Then one day he came back from a run to a totally empty apartment and she was gone. Her and her parents had emptied his storage locker of a bunch of priceless treasures he had collected through his years of trucking. She took off and he never saw her again.

He had run into her sister who showed him a picture of the baby. He pulled a tattered picture of a little boy out of his wallet and passed it to me. His eyes filled with tears and I touched his hand. He looked away, as if embarrassed to let me see him cry, and he wiped his eyes. He told me that after she left everyone told him she had been screwing around on him with an ex boyfriend the whole time they were together and it wasn’t his kid.

His voice cracked and he fought back tears as he told me, even though he had been adopted by a great family and had a wonderful childhood it just seemed so unfair that he had been given up for adoption and now his son had been taken from him. He had sworn that he would never give up a child of his.

My heart broke for him, it was unfair. I told him he needed to find her and the child and have a blood test done so he knew for sure.

Finally he said he should really get going, he pulled me close, looked in my eyes and his lips grazed mine, soft, tender, hinting at a passion simmering under the surface that made me almost moan out loud. He whispered that he had never told anyone about his son, but for some reason he felt a connection with me. I felt my seat recline. Again his lips teased mine and my back arched against him. His strong hand slipped down to the small of my back, pressing me against him as his leg slid between my legs.

He kept talking between gentle kisses that grew in intensity taking my breath away; he hadn’t been able to sleep last night, thinking about our kiss. He usually doesn’t on a first date but when I kissed his neck, he couldn’t help himself. (What man doesn’t kiss on a first date?), *Kiss, kissing is so important, *kiss, he was relieved to find out, *kiss, I was a good kisser.

My tongue could not be contained any longer and slid between his lips and was met by his tongue. His hands roaming between my legs, “could he feel how wet I was through my jeans?” up my shirt, “God help me!” I wanted him right there and then, but the good girl me, stopped him, just as his thumb grazed my nipple and my groin pressed against his leg. I moaned.

We were both out of breath as he sat up, then he laughed, “Look at the windows! They’re totally steamed up! Usually I’m not into public displays of affection, I can’t help myself with you.”

He went on about how people must have been walking past knowing what we were doing and we laughed about his ass up against the windshield and how uncomfortable the stick shift was.

He looked at his watch and said, “Shit! I have to go!! I’ll miss my ferry!!”

I kissed him on the cheek and got out. As I was about to close the door I hear him say, “Hey, Babe.”

Did he just call you Babe?? Hahaha that’s so cheesy!! Babe??! That is so “James Dean-ish”.”

I looked back and he was leaning across the passenger seat, eyes pleading, with his hand out, “Come here for a minute please.”

“I’d really like to cook you supper when I get back on Monday.”

Me: “ok.”

He handed me a piece of paper, “This my mom’s number. My cell doesn’t always work when I’m there. Call me.”

I liked that right from the start he had put the ball in my court by giving me his number. I was sick of guys who asked for my number and didn’t call, in fact I had stopped giving out my number.

I found myself thinking about him a lot; to be honest. I had wanted him so bad in the car and couldn’t recall ever getting that passionate with any man.

But he called me “Babe” on our first date, who does that?

God he was a good kisser!

He wants kids and you can’t have any more kids and don’t want any more kids,

He called when he said he was going to and when he was only 10 minutes late. How considerate.

He holds the door open for you.

God he’s a good kisser!

Did you see his chest??!!!

He gave you a peace symbol!

“STOP ANALYZING! just relax and take it one day at a time!”

“Ok ok. One day at a time”

I had never felt such passion, had never lost control of my body’s response like that. I hadn’t thought that kind of passion actually happened. I thought it only happened in the movies.

It was so intense it scared me but made me crave more. I longed to be out of control and give in to the passion, what would happen if I just gave into it? If I gave up control?

I wanted to know.