Category Archives: Aftermath of Being With a Narcissist

The aftermath of being involved with a narcissist

Ten Rules For Doing No Contact

no cell

It seems many people, women in particular; think going no contact is some sort of dating strategy/game. In actual fact it is a safety measure, the only way you will ever heal and should be done for YOU, not to teach him a lesson and prolong the relationship.

So many times I get asked, “I have initiated no contact, what will the narcissist do now?” “I am doing no contact with my N, and now he has blocked me on Facebook, what does that mean?” It means you are not doing no contact right because if you were you would not even know he has blocked you. 

I know it is terribly hard to not know what the narcissist is doing, you have spent the whole relationship trying to figure out what he was up to, tried to solve the puzzle but you have to give up the addiction. You CAN do this and once you do it, you will be surprised how quickly you start to feel better and start to fear and avoid any chance of running into him because you know it is never a good thing for you when you do.

The rules of no contact are as follows:

1.Block him on every single social media site, Facebook, Instagram he or you are on

2. Block his emails on all your email accounts

3. Block his text messages and calls – I had to change my phone number and lost customers for my business because of it; some people are just not willing to do that. BUT you no longer have that excuse because there are free apps out there all you have to do is Google “Blocking someone from texting or calling” and then look for instructions for your type of phone. There are you tube videos for iphone and Android. With my Samsung Galaxy you go into Messages, click on Settings, scroll to the bottom and click on Spam, from there you turn on Spam settings and you can then add numbers, names, or phrases you want to block. Easy Peasy.

4. Tell all your friends you don’t want to hear what he is doing, unless they think your life is in danger they should keep it to themselves if they see him with another woman etc. You may think you want to know what he is doing but trust me, you don’t really. It is only going to hurt and keep him in your mind and heart. There is no way knowing he has another woman or hear the shit he is saying about you is ever going to be good for you. Some “friends” just can not handle keeping it to themselves and will tell you anyway. You have to ask yourself why a friend would not abide by your request and would want to do anything that hurts you. For them proceed to #5

5. Cut all mutual friends who refuse to take sides or can’t refrain from “sharing” with you; out of your life totally. I know, I know, why should you lose the friends? that is hardly fair!! Well, for one thing; this is when you are going to discover who your friends really are.

Any friend who refuses to choose sides because “the N was always nice to them”,

is not a friend of yours.

6. This can be another really hard thing to do but you must cut all his family out of your life. I know his mom and you are SO close and you don’t want to hurt her feelings but blood is thicker than water when push comes to shove. Also, they could quite innocently tell the N something about you that could really end up hurting you. My ex father in law was always “on my side”, he even helped me leave my ex. After I left my ex my father-in-law would call me a couple of times a year just to see how I was doing. I told him in the beginning I didn’t want to discuss my ex or hear how he was doing because it hurt too much and he respected my wishes. We would discuss all sorts of things and he was very supportive and happy about any success I had with work etc. I owed him some money and I paid him off. He saw my ex for his true colors.

One day I got a call from him and just the way he was talking made me feel something was up but I ignored my gut and when he asked where I was living now I answered. Two days later I saw my ex drive past, a week later there was a drone outside my window, and someone anonymously reported me to welfare and I was immediately cut off, there were also anonymous complaints made to the management company where I lived.
I am sure he didn’t mean to cause trouble for me but my ex must have told some lie about me. Narcissists are such good liars, even the most astute person can accidentally set you up and put you in grave danger.

7. Do not tell him you are going no contact. I don’t care that you are not like that, that you want closure or to stay friends; you are not dealing with a normal person, you will not get the desired response. He will take every opportunity he can to place the blame back on you, he will NOT feel remorse or take any blame ever! He will know why you have gone no contact, or he should; he is not stupid. He treated you like shit, if he doesn’t realize that he doesn’t deserve an explanation, too bad.

8. There is going to be times you have an Aha moment, when you find out something or just put pieces of the puzzle together and you are going to want to share your new found insight. Don’t!! He is not going to appreciate anything you have to say, see #7. Be thankful for the gained insight and call a friend or come here and share but do not call him.

9.The more time that goes past you are going to start to feel stronger and may feel you really want to give him a piece of your mind, really rip him a new asshole. Don’t! It may feel good at the time but it will be short lived. It will only put him back in your life, he will say something to make you doubt yourself and next thing you know you are right back where he always puts you, in misery and self doubt.

10. There are going to be times you have a problem you feel only he can handle. The furnace that only he can get going, the flat tire only he can fix, the dog died, he has mail at the house. There is no good reason to ever have contact with him. Send his mail back “Moved, address unknown”, find someone, anyone else to help you fix whatever needs fixing.

But what if you have children with the Narc? or property that needs to be divided? That does make things a little bit tougher but avoid calling him and do it all through email or communicate through a trusted friend or better yet a lawyer. Keep all conversations short and to the point, never discuss your personal life. If you are discussing the kids, you should have a legal visitation agreement done up, so any conversations should be pretty straight forward. If he is not living up to his end of the deal you do not argue, beg, or threaten. The kids have a narcissist for a parent, they are going to have to deal with that and you can not protect them any more than sticking to any agreed upon visitation. Keep detailed notes of any time he disappoints the kids, doesn’t pay his child support or misses his visitation days; when you have enough evidence you take him to court. Do not try to work with him, yes other couples can work things out where there is flexibility and give and take; this is not possible with an N. Sharing custody with a narcissist is a whole other post for another day. The urge will pass and you will be glad you didn’t call. If you do call you will regret it. Come on, have you ever called and had it be a good thing? You know he will make you feel like crap. You keep hoping this time will be different. I am telling you, even if he was nice this time, it will not last and you know it.

It really doesn’t take that long before you won’t want to call because you will start to feel so much better you will actually fear contact because you never want to feel the way he makes you feel, again.

But I can’t help it, I HAVE to call, I can’t stop myself. Yes. You. Can. it just takes will power, you will not die. If a heroine addict can quit so can you. Pace the floor, go for a walk, call a friend, come in here, take a long hot bath, write him a letter saying everything you think you need to say and never send it, ANYTHING but call.

 

When The Victim Of A Narcissist Is Strong

Carrie Reimer
Carrie Reimer, 10 year common law relationship with a narc/psychopath

There is a common falacy that narcissists are attracted to “co-dependent” weak woman. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Narcissists are not attracted to any “type”. They assess everyone, male or female; for what they can offer the narcissist. It could be as simple as a quick hookup if the narcissist is bored or it could be a family if that is what he needs to get ahead in business.

But!, it is especially delicious narcissistic supply if the narc can hook an intelligent, self sufficient, independent woman. If she is also beautiful!? OMG! Do you have any idea how much of an ego boost it is for him to destroy a woman like that? ?

First of all, to hook her. Everyone will assume he must be a great guy, something really special to get a woman like her!! A woman who attracts the attention of men where ever she goes. A woman who chooses men carefully and doesnt need a man. At first he will be telling everyone how special she is and how lucky he is to have found her. In the beginning he is getting all the supply he needs just through his association with a high quality woman. He will exaggerate her talents and achievements and will tell her constantly how special she is. He has never met a woman as together as her. She might even feel a bit uneasy with his apparent idolization of her. Yeah, she’s good but come on, she’s only human.

But it feels good to be thought so highly of especially compared to every other woman he has ever met. And he treats her so well. She makes a conscious decision to let her guard down, let a man “do for her” for a change.

And he closes the web around her tighter and tighter and before she knows it she is in too deep to easily escape. And then the slow devaluation begins, the constant whittling away at her self confidence , the gas lighting, twisting facts, questioning her sanity, her capability to function when she has always been verociously independent.

I was in my early 40′s when I met the narcissist. I had always been a strong woman with strong opinions, high morals, firm boundaries. I had been told by men I was intimidating, too independent, that they felt I didn’t need them.

I didn’t need them. But it does get tiring always packing the load. And here I had this man who loved me exactly the way I was, who I had a connection like I had never had before, my soul mate. I wasn’t going to lose this man. I had earned this wonderful love. I trusted his love and him explicitly. I allowed myself to be “weak” handed over my power, little by little. He seemed to want to take care of me, I thought he would appreciate me trusting him but he was disgusted with it.

The more I forgave the more disgusted he got and the more he hurt me. Every time I forgave him and took him back he thought, “you stupid bitch. You deserve to be hurt for being so gullible and stupid.”

The only time he was loving was when I got strong and threatened to leave. He would beg me for another chance, admit to everything he had done wrong, promise the world. Once he had me again the abuse would be worse.

The thing with strong women is they tend to hang in longer. They have always been capable of recouping, making things happen, fixing things, they aren’t quiters. They will keep rising to the challenge and he will keep knocking her down.

By the time he dumps her she is a shell of the woman she was. No one recognizes her any more, she is ashamed and everyone she knows is ashamed of her and confused. How could she let a man do this to her?

She is acting co-dependent, needy, weak.

He walks away with a sneer and sick grin. “Look at you! What man would want a whiny, demanding, clingy, paranoid bitch like you??”

Merry Christmas To All And To All Good Night and Peace On Earth

 

xmas

I want to wish everyone a heart felt Merry Christmas and a new year filled with only the best of things, top of that list being…….Peace. Peace of mind, peace in your heart, peace in your physical world and among your family and friends.

Some of you are probably miserable today fantasizing about the wonderful Christmas the N is having with the new “soul mate” or you are with your narcissist still and once again he has done something to ruin the holidays, either totally disappeared, or for certain he didn’t buy you any gifts, he started a fight and no matter how you tried to not get pulled into it with him this year he finally pushed you to the breaking point. IF….. and that is a big if! the narcissist IS “behaving” you are watching your words very carefully and walking on egg shells in hopes of not putting him in a bad mood.

The narcissist might not be your partner, it could be a sister, brother, or parent, but no  one can ruin a celebration like a narcissist, they have it down to a fine art.

With family it isn’t as easy to avoid their toxicity but when it is your partner you DO have a choice, no; you are not going to leave today, but you can start a journal today and start writing in it every day for the next year. It doesn’t have to be well written, or even complete sentences, it’s for your eyes only. But it is so that next year when Christmas rolls around and you are in this exact same spot, feeling these exact same feelings, having the exact same fights and when you look back you see that you are repeating history, over and over again and nothing ever changes ……….. maybe you will finally muster up the courage to walk away.

I am with my family this Christmas and it has been fine, 12 of us in one house for 3 days, along with 6 dogs, people are going to get on each other’s nerves, tempers may flare once in a while. It happens. It is not perfect, I really don’t think “perfect” is possible when you get so many different personalities together, but I am in the moment. I am not worrying about any one or any thing, I am not watching what I say, no one is pushing my buttons and you know what? I am taking time away from the group when I feel overwhelmed with all the activity. I don’t pretend to be ok when I am not. I don’t do well with crowds and I accept that about myself and if my family doesn’t know that by now I have told them this year and they have to accept it. I don’t expect anyone to cater to me and while I am downstairs snuggling Stella I can  hear them upstairs, “Where’s Carrie?” “Is Carrie napping?” “What’s Carrie doing?” and I stay quiet and recoup until I am ready to go back upstairs and join the masses.

I make no apologies for being me and taking what I need to feel centered and in balance.

Christmas doesn’t mean the same thing to me that it used to, it doesn’t hold the same expectations it used to. I suppose I could blame my ex for that, because I learned to never count on anything and since we split I have spent several Christmases all alone, but I think it is more what I have learned from life in general.

For one thing, if you need a holiday like Christmas as an excuse to get together with family you don’t have much of a relationship with your family. So many people put on the act for a couple of days at Christmas and the rest of the year never see their family. I much prefer a day alone with my son having some one on one time than trying to get a word in edge wise when he has been drinking, people are interrupting, gifts are being opened in every direction and no one is even taking the time to really appreciate the gifts or the meaning behind them. Gifts bought out of desperation because the gift giver knew they HAD to buy something. I hate it!

I couldn’t care less what I get for gifts and I usually give something I made for the person.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas!! I just don’t like all the pressure we put on ourselves and others because of the commercialism and hype we are fed our whole lives. Christmas is not romantic for most people, Christmas is not a happy time for most people, most people do not get the perfect present wrapped with the perfect bow. Sure it would be nice to ride off in a horse drawn sleigh with the man I love beside me under a big fluffy blanket while snow gently falls and the stars twinkle in the sky. But that doesn’t happen usually unless you are involved with a narcissist who is love bombing you.

Christmas is one day out of 364 days in the year. I hope it is an ok day for all of you but my heartfelt wish for everyone is that they find/create/insist upon nothing less than being treated with respect, kindness, honesty, and fairness every single day of the year. No matter how bleak life may seem right now, it will pass, life will get better. While with the narcissist, nothing ever changed, you rode the same roller coaster, up and down, over and over again. Give life a chance. yes the unknown is scary but it can’t be worse than being with the narcissist.

Learn to appreciate what you have, I know what it feels like to think you have nothing, the narcissist took it all but there is always more to lose, don’t let him take your future also. Don’t let him waste any more of your time.

Last year this time I didn’t think I would live long enough to see this Christmas and it was the worse 6 months of my life, I was so sick, in so much pain, so depressed, I just wanted to die, life was not worth living. The print out from my defibrillator showed 84 episodes in 5 months plus 1 major heart attack. They say I need a heart transplant but I am not agreeing. I am living my life the best I can with the days I have left. No time for regrets, no time for wishing things were different, I am grasping every opportunity I have to enjoy family and friends because tomorrow might not come, next Christmas might not come.

Wishing you many cherished memories this Christmas and in 2018.

Here is a link to another post from 2014 on why the narcissist is like Santa Claus  Santa, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy

Hugs and love to you all!!