It seems many people, women in particular; think going no contact is some sort of dating strategy/game. In actual fact it is a safety measure, the only way you will ever heal and should be done for YOU, not to teach him a lesson and prolong the relationship.
So many times I get asked, “I have initiated no contact, what will the narcissist do now?” “I am doing no contact with my N, and now he has blocked me on Facebook, what does that mean?” It means you are not doing no contact right because if you were you would not even know he has blocked you.
I know it is terribly hard to not know what the narcissist is doing, you have spent the whole relationship trying to figure out what he was up to, tried to solve the puzzle but you have to give up the addiction. You CAN do this and once you do it, you will be surprised how quickly you start to feel better and start to fear and avoid any chance of running into him because you know it is never a good thing for you when you do.
The rules of no contact are as follows:
1.Block him on every single social media site, Facebook, Instagram he or you are on
2. Block his emails on all your email accounts
3. Block his text messages and calls – I had to change my phone number and lost customers for my business because of it; some people are just not willing to do that. BUT you no longer have that excuse because there are free apps out there all you have to do is Google “Blocking someone from texting or calling” and then look for instructions for your type of phone. There are you tube videos for iphone and Android. With my Samsung Galaxy you go into Messages, click on Settings, scroll to the bottom and click on Spam, from there you turn on Spam settings and you can then add numbers, names, or phrases you want to block. Easy Peasy.
4. Tell all your friends you don’t want to hear what he is doing, unless they think your life is in danger they should keep it to themselves if they see him with another woman etc. You may think you want to know what he is doing but trust me, you don’t really. It is only going to hurt and keep him in your mind and heart. There is no way knowing he has another woman or hear the shit he is saying about you is ever going to be good for you. Some “friends” just can not handle keeping it to themselves and will tell you anyway. You have to ask yourself why a friend would not abide by your request and would want to do anything that hurts you. For them proceed to #5
5. Cut all mutual friends who refuse to take sides or can’t refrain from “sharing” with you; out of your life totally. I know, I know, why should you lose the friends? that is hardly fair!! Well, for one thing; this is when you are going to discover who your friends really are.
Any friend who refuses to choose sides because “the N was always nice to them”,
is not a friend of yours.
6. This can be another really hard thing to do but you must cut all his family out of your life. I know his mom and you are SO close and you don’t want to hurt her feelings but blood is thicker than water when push comes to shove. Also, they could quite innocently tell the N something about you that could really end up hurting you. My ex father in law was always “on my side”, he even helped me leave my ex. After I left my ex my father-in-law would call me a couple of times a year just to see how I was doing. I told him in the beginning I didn’t want to discuss my ex or hear how he was doing because it hurt too much and he respected my wishes. We would discuss all sorts of things and he was very supportive and happy about any success I had with work etc. I owed him some money and I paid him off. He saw my ex for his true colors.
One day I got a call from him and just the way he was talking made me feel something was up but I ignored my gut and when he asked where I was living now I answered. Two days later I saw my ex drive past, a week later there was a drone outside my window, and someone anonymously reported me to welfare and I was immediately cut off, there were also anonymous complaints made to the management company where I lived.
I am sure he didn’t mean to cause trouble for me but my ex must have told some lie about me. Narcissists are such good liars, even the most astute person can accidentally set you up and put you in grave danger.
7. Do not tell him you are going no contact. I don’t care that you are not like that, that you want closure or to stay friends; you are not dealing with a normal person, you will not get the desired response. He will take every opportunity he can to place the blame back on you, he will NOT feel remorse or take any blame ever! He will know why you have gone no contact, or he should; he is not stupid. He treated you like shit, if he doesn’t realize that he doesn’t deserve an explanation, too bad.
8. There is going to be times you have an Aha moment, when you find out something or just put pieces of the puzzle together and you are going to want to share your new found insight. Don’t!! He is not going to appreciate anything you have to say, see #7. Be thankful for the gained insight and call a friend or come here and share but do not call him.
9.The more time that goes past you are going to start to feel stronger and may feel you really want to give him a piece of your mind, really rip him a new asshole. Don’t! It may feel good at the time but it will be short lived. It will only put him back in your life, he will say something to make you doubt yourself and next thing you know you are right back where he always puts you, in misery and self doubt.
10. There are going to be times you have a problem you feel only he can handle. The furnace that only he can get going, the flat tire only he can fix, the dog died, he has mail at the house. There is no good reason to ever have contact with him. Send his mail back “Moved, address unknown”, find someone, anyone else to help you fix whatever needs fixing.
But what if you have children with the Narc? or property that needs to be divided? That does make things a little bit tougher but avoid calling him and do it all through email or communicate through a trusted friend or better yet a lawyer. Keep all conversations short and to the point, never discuss your personal life. If you are discussing the kids, you should have a legal visitation agreement done up, so any conversations should be pretty straight forward. If he is not living up to his end of the deal you do not argue, beg, or threaten. The kids have a narcissist for a parent, they are going to have to deal with that and you can not protect them any more than sticking to any agreed upon visitation. Keep detailed notes of any time he disappoints the kids, doesn’t pay his child support or misses his visitation days; when you have enough evidence you take him to court. Do not try to work with him, yes other couples can work things out where there is flexibility and give and take; this is not possible with an N. Sharing custody with a narcissist is a whole other post for another day. The urge will pass and you will be glad you didn’t call. If you do call you will regret it. Come on, have you ever called and had it be a good thing? You know he will make you feel like crap. You keep hoping this time will be different. I am telling you, even if he was nice this time, it will not last and you know it.
It really doesn’t take that long before you won’t want to call because you will start to feel so much better you will actually fear contact because you never want to feel the way he makes you feel, again.
But I can’t help it, I HAVE to call, I can’t stop myself. Yes. You. Can. it just takes will power, you will not die. If a heroine addict can quit so can you. Pace the floor, go for a walk, call a friend, come in here, take a long hot bath, write him a letter saying everything you think you need to say and never send it, ANYTHING but call.