Valentine’s Day Post 3 Days Late

I honestly started this post in plenty of time to publish it before Valentine’s Day but my health has not been great this winter and there are times I don’t get off the couch all day because I can’t sit without severe pain in my back. So here it is, better late than never I suppose.

Some of you are obsessing about all the wonderfully romantic things you envision your ex doing for his new “soul mate”, others are still with the narcissist and have either been disappointed yet again because you didn’t get so much as a card or he didn’t even come home. Let’s face it, no one can ruin a special occasion like a narcissist!

Then there are those of you who feel they have wasted the best years of their life, that it is so unfair that he has moved on to a new love while you are still feeling so broken and wondering if you can ever trust again, ever love again.

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat,

  • He has NOT gone on to love again……… he never loved you, he has never loved anyone, not you, not the women before you and not the women who will come after you. He is incapable of love, he is only capable of acting like he is in love in order to hook his victims.

The second thing we need to discuss is the trust issue

You do not have to learn to trust men again, that really was not the problem. If you insist on making it the problem you will never be able to relax and enjoy a healthy relationship. As much as I do not believe in victim blaming there comes a point when we have to take responsibility for our own happiness. If we throw our hands in the air and say, “He lied to me! what could I do? what if the next man lies to me? ” we are forever at the mercy of every asshole that comes our way.

Sure there are tell tale signs of a narcissist but many women don’t seem to learn that a narcissist is always nice in the beginning, he always presents himself as your soul mate and always falls madly in love and can’t get enough of you, so they get involved with narcissist after narcissist, always lamenting the same thing;

“He was so into me, I was the best most perfect woman he had ever met, I didn’t chase him, I told him I had been hurt in the past and honesty was important to me and he lied!! How could he hurt me knowing I had been hurt in the past?”

Things you can do to avoid getting hurt by another narcissist.

Please note – no one is a narcissist magnet, narcissists are everywhere and everyone the narcissist meets is assessed on whether they are of some use or value to him/her. Narcissists do not confine their abuse to romantic partners, and because they morph into whatever the woman wants, they do not have a “type” they are attracted to. (I always felt special, that he would never find a woman more well suited to him, until he left his Plenty of Fish account open on my laptop and I read the profiles of the women he had on his “Favorites List”.  I couldn’t understand why he would pursue women he had nothing in common with. I now know why.)

When I first left my ex it seemed I was meeting narcissists at every corner, they were everywhere! For one thing you are super aware and sensitive in the beginning and you are one of the “walking wounded”, narcissists zero in on the wounded and will present themselves as your knight in shining armor; that is why it is best to not even think about dating for a couple of years. If the thought of not dating for a couple of years gives you a panic attack, for sure you should not be dating!! You have put far too much importance on being part of a couple.

  1. Stop doing things because you are afraid that if you don’t, he will find someone else. This includes sleeping with him too soon but also little compromises that tell him you don’t respect yourself so why should he.
  2. When you make the man that important to you, you immediately put yourself at a disadvantage and him in control of the relationship and your happiness.
  3. Stop viewing every guy you date in terms of “Is this the one?” So many women are so concerned with finding someone to love them that they totally ignore that the guy is nothing like a man they would be happy with long term. They immediately try to be the woman he wants instead of just being themselves and seeing if there is a true connection there.
  4. Stop falling into bed with the guy on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date; you may think you can handle casual sex but men and women are not made the same. There is a natural chemical reaction when a woman has sex, the act of having sex releases chemicals in the woman that cause her to become more forgiving, less cautious and more trusting. Men have sex and go to sleep, wake up and think, “I had sex” the woman wakes up and wonders if he will call her again, how to let him know she likes him without appearing too needy, and worries about being rejected. If you do fall into bed with him, don’t beat yourself up, realize you are going to feel more needy for a while and wait it out, take a step back and let yourself feel the feelings without acting on them.
  5. So how do we protect ourselves? Stop giving trust to people who haven’t earned it. We are so quick to trust and then wait to see if he gives us reason to not trust him. That is backwards, it is crazy to blindly trust someone we don’t know, hold back, let him prove he is trustworthy. “But I don’t want to get hurt.” You can not be hurt if you let things play out in their own time. You may be disappointed to find out he is not what he say he is but you will not be devastated because you had put all your trust in him and he abused it. To expect someone to earn your trust is not selfish, it is smart.
  6. When I started dating my ex I made the conscious decision that I was just going to have sex with him. (I didn’t know about the chemical thing back then and really, I was in my 40’s and a big girl, why couldn’t I have casual sex? He was so damn sexy! but I was not that into him other than that at first). I had never liked a guy who was too clingy or demanding of my time but I had been told by my mother, girlfriends, and some guys that I was too independent and didn’t give “nice guys” a chance, so when my ex started calling too many times a day I didn’t dump him like my stomach wanted me too.
    The first real date we had I met him at his place and he barely let me get through the door before he was taking my clothes off and leading me into the bedroom. I quite literally felt like walking out and told him so, in the past I would have walked out but I wanted to be nice. My gut kept telling me to just walk away from him, long before anything ever really went wrong or before he ever got strange.  We lived an hour apart and I didn’t want an “every night” relationship. In the past I hadn’t had an ‘in your back pocket” relationship, I had dated guys from out of town that I saw every weekend, or local guys who I saw on the weekends but week nights were reserved for my son, I worked full time, I had to get home to make supper, clean house, spend time with my kid and when my ex called every night and wanted me to go down to his place I would decline but he would pressure me, have some excuse why I needed to come “just this once”. and I allowed him to pressure me into seeing him.
    He was so into me, cried when he said he loved me, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
    But almost right from the first few dates I felt like pulling away and I allowed myself to be manipulated.
  7. In a normal relationship there are periods of adjustment, traits or habits that surface that may bother one or the other person. This is the getting to know each other stage, the time when you decide whether this is actually a person worth investing in. Let’s be realistic here, you can be extremely attracted to someone right from day one but we are ALL on our best behavior when we first meet someone, you are, I am, we all are; the narcissist is a totally different person! In a normal relationship you may eventually discover that you are just not a good match and go your separate ways. It may be the other person’s choice and you may get hurt feelings but you will survive and go on to love again. Not every one you love is going to love you back, that does not make them a narcissist!

The way to protect yourself is to remain in the here and now, believe your gut when it tells you something is not right, you don’t have to make a decision right away to commit to  him or to leave him, just keep your feet on the ground and don’t allow yourself to drift into fantasyland. He is not prince charming and you are not going to cure him with your magical love.

I did date a narcissist the first (and only) time I have dated since leaving my ex. I did what most victims of a narc do when they start to date again, I told the new guy how badly I had been hurt, how I wanted to take it slow, how I needed honesty, etc and he was SO understanding and thought I was so strong, he cooked me lovely dinners, he did wonderful things for me, he loved everything about me, I got a text every night from him saying good night and every morning I got a “have a great day, Babe.” text and my stomach was screaming to be careful. But I didn’t know if I was just being too sensitive, reading things into it that weren’t there, being paranoid, I enjoyed the attention but I was feeling pressured. I just kept a mental note of things that didn’t sit right with me and I kept my head in reality, took my time and guess what? It didn’t take long and one day I arrived unannounced at his place to find a woman there. I had suspected and was proven right. I handed her the key to his place and said, “You’ll be needing this.” and I walked out.

I did tell him what I thought of him a few days later and to be honest I shed a few tears. But it was only a few, and only for one day and I was over it. I had not invested in the relationship, not in a big way and it was so much easier to walk away, I was not shattered by it. In fact, the experience showed me that my gut instincts could be trusted and I was capable of detecting a narcissist and protecting myself and my heart.

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The Psychopath’s Uncontrollable Need to Control

I received this message the other day.

“Hi, I’ve never commented but this blog has really helped me come to terms w my own abusive relationship. I’m still pretty traumatized and don’t really know how to help myself but I’m learning all I can about cluster b disorders…I frequent a site called psychopath free and I just read a new member story, a male named jimmyc1963, from about one week ago. Carrie, I’m almost positive it is your ex. There are so many details about you, your son, references to trucks and hauling scrap metal…plus he gives himself away by saying you’re the narc and have created a blog and have a lot of followers…it’s disturbing and I thought u should know. I’ve benefitted greatly from this blog and its infuriating to have your abuser paint himself as the victim. I’ve been there so many times…thank u for all the love and compassion u show 💜”

Of course I can’t possibly know what James is thinking, for one very obvious reason; he is crazy and I am not. But if I take all I have learned about psychopath’s and narcissist, I can come pretty close to where his head is at.

While with James he had managed to get me totally in his control. When he found his new supply I was a grovelling, begging, fool, pleading with him to not leave me and he thoroughly enjoyed telling me I was worthless, it was all my fault and I didn’t deserve to live because no man would ever want me. I am sure he thought I would either kill myself or curl up in a corner waiting and praying he graced me with his presence again.

He took his sweet time, a full year but he did pop back into my life, immediately after proposing to his new victim. With her secured he was free to come back to me and try to suck me back into his toxic web, he was ready to introduce triangulation into his new relationship. After all, he couldn’t let her get too comfortable now that they were engaged. He needed reassurance he was still her priority and what better way to do that than instill jealousy and insecurity. He could play me against her and her against me; Narcissist just love, love LOVE triangulation; nothing screams “YOU ARE THE MAN!!’ quite like two women vying for your attention and love.

He gave me the same speech as he had the last 3 times he begged his way back into my life (they are so oblivious to how a person’s emotions work and lazy, that they don’t even think about the fact that they are using the same script on the same person over and over again. If it worked once it will work again). I was dumb when he showed up, I listened to his spiel and it set me back in my recovery but I did not succumb to it this time. Thank the good Lord!!

He took all the blame, said I had done nothing wrong and it was him and he was so sorry. He loved me, didn’t I know that? Didn’t he tell me? (heard it all before). When I didn’t believe him he did a complete 180 and it was my own fault for him hurting me because I took him back and when that didn’t work he just started slandering me and trying to destroy my life.

Once a psychopath or narcissist has “owned a person; they expect that person to be waiting for the narc to need them again, the victim is not supposed to go on with their life.

The other thing I have done to piss James off is I have exposed him for what he is. I know what he is and he can no longer put doubt in my mind. In the past all he had to do was say he loved me and he didn’t do what I thought he did and I would back down, doubt myself, and he would be back in control. He can no longer do that and if there is anything a narc hates it is not being able to control the victim.

If there is one thing a narc hates, it is being exposed for what they are, after all their whole life is a very delicate, intricately woven web of deceit; someone going on the internet and telling the world what he is could destroy his web. He is too self absorbed to realize that no one would ever find my blog unless he told them about it. A normal person who was so happily involved with their soul mate would laugh at my blog and go on with their life, knowing it would never affect them and the worst thing they could do is to advertise it everyone they know. Just as I ignored his blog about me and I am ignoring his comments on Psychopath Free, a site, by the way; I consider to be one of the best blogs on psychopaths. The only thing I did do was to notify admin on the site of his username and that he is a psychopath and I am afraid some unsuspecting victim of a psychopath might fall in love with him.

(On a side note* I find it very interesting that people who don’t like what I have to say follow my blog. If you don’t like what I write, even if it is about you; especially if it is about you; STOP reading it!!)

So anyway, we have determined he is pissed off about losing control, being exposed, and not being able to pull the wool over my eyes any more, there is one thing left that would eat away at him like a cancer; I have over 2100 followers and close to 2 million hits. THAT would irk him to no end. How dare I get attention and a bit of notoriety that doesn’t benefit him. He has had blogs for 10 years and never got even one follower, he would HATE that I have some popularity and people believe me. In his mind it is the ultimate defiance on my part and it is glaring proof he did not do his job; he did not destroy me, I did not kill myself, I am not laying in a puddle waiting for him to give me some crumbs of my dignity back. He under estimated my back bone and strength and no narcissist wants to admit that.

The fact that I don’t give a shit about him over shadows every relationship he will ever be in; he can’t figure out why or how I managed to survive. He worked years trying to destroy me……. he won’t rest until he finishes the job he started. He can’t move on, it has been over 5 years and all he can see is; I am getting attention and he isn’t; he did his best and I am not destroyed. His last ex rank herself to death at least; I have a whole lot of nerve not playing by his rules.

Once they set their sites on a person, they become obsessed with winning that person over. I remember when James would meet a new friend, he would obsess with them, they became the expert on everything, he called them a couple of times a day. It was kinda creepy, like he was gay or something because he treated male friends much like he treated me when we started dating. All of a sudden the new friend took precedence over everything else. I always knew when he had a new woman in his sites because he couldn’t help but obsess about them, talk about them, stalk them on the internet, brag about them and leave pictures where I could find them.

When we got back together the last time he had several woman on the hook; (all the while promising me total fidelity) he would be with me and constantly on his phone. I found messenger conversations between him and some woman who had gone away with her girl friends for New Years Eve. It was so obvious by his messages that he was terribly jealous and concerned she might hook up with some guy while she was partying. He found his ex from 15 years prior and tried to pull her back into his web and I found the messages between them and it was the same thing; he was so concerned about what she was doing and yet he was with me and telling me I was all the woman he would ever need. When he was trucking he had at least 4 of us on the line. He would call each of us every night and he wrote in his blog that Marita was having a male friend stay over night and she had promised James she wouldn’t sleep with him and James was saying, “She had better not!” yet he was on his way to be with me.

It doesn’t make sense to a normal person, but to a narcissist it doesn’t have to make sense; they just have to be getting all the attention all the time; what is fair makes absolutely no difference to them.

So remember this when the narc comes crawling back in a year or 15 years; it has nothing to do with you, nothing!! except for the fact that he views you as a possession that he can lay claim to any old time he wants. It has nothing to do with him loving you, needing your special supply, realizing how good he had it, or even that things have gone sour with the new supply. It only has to do with his uncontrollable need to control.

 

The One Answer To All Your Questions About The Narcissist

I received a comment today on the “Ending the Relationship With a Narcissist” post that is SO important I am giving it it’s own post. It is a message I have tried to drum into victim’s heads for almost 5 years and still victim’s think they will be different, it won’t happen to them, their situation is different, their narcissist really means it, their narcissist has seen the light and they are going to get their happily ever after. Happily ever after does not exist with a narcissist, no matter how many years go by, how many tears he sheds, or how strongly he professes his love and devotion. It is NEVER safe to have contact with a narcissist, EVER!!

This story answers all the top questions about narcissists

Do they ever change?

Do they ever apologize?

Can they love?

Are they ever faithful?

Why do they lie?

Do they know what they are doing?

Do they care?

This is the comment from Nemo,

“Guys, I’m writing this as a warning to never, ever be in contact with them again no matter how many years later. I’ve already told some of my story here but basically I first got involved with J when I was 17 and he was 20. I was just a kid, naive. I know now that he was a narcissist but then I was just so crazy about him I forgave him anything. He would dump me for another woman every six months or so, (always after building the romance up to the max) then come running back within a couple of weeks and I would always take him back because by then my whole life was focussed around him and I felt that if I wasn’t “his girlfriend” I would simply vanish into thin air, I had no sense of self or self esteem, all I had to do was wait and the pattern would repeat, telling myself if I just got it right next time he would stay.. He dumped me for a 15 year old (he was 24 by then) just before I went to university after 18 blissful months together with no dramas. It was a total shock but he kept running back, I found out he had no less than four other girls on the go, we will call them D, B, M and E. Well he met his match with D (was) was even more of a narc than him and tricked him into marriage and made his life very miserable, actually turned him into a victim himself. At last I was able to let go and moved to the other side of the world because I couldn’t bear to be in the same country as them playing “happy families”.

Fast forward 22 years to 2007 and a friend was using a yahoo group to set up a college reunion. Who should suddenly contact me again through this but J. Married to D for the second time (she had dumped him several times for other guys and had a string of failed marriages behind her, but had hoovered him back in) and we got back in touch. For the last 8 years we have been great friends, would meet up every couple of years when I went back to the old country and kept in constant contact. Yes we reminisced about the “old days” but I was happily married and it was just a friendship to me, though he was always saying how he still loved me, what a bitch D was, blah blah blah.

Fast forward again to 2015 and he has separated with D and moved in as a lodger with my best friend (we all knew each other from back then) so, when I went back of course he was at her house, where I spend most of my time on my “home” visits.

Well…by this time my home life wasn’t what it had been and yep, he sucked me in again with a week of undying love etc etc etc. Feeling lonely and vulnerable, I fell for it, thinking that after 8 years of happy friendship we were moving into a new phase. What could possibly go wrong? He’d spent 8 years leading up to this point. And things went much too far.

Guess what..after I came back here with a head full of plans to move back and madly in love again, his twice weekly texts stopped instantly. He went completely silent and my best friend said he never even mentioned my name at home. For six weeks I wondered what the hell was going on, tried texting, emailing, phoning; silence. I was in absolute hell. At a party that I had organised when I was there and we had gone to as a couple I saw him chatting to his old flame B (who I hadn’t invited) before coming back to me and filling my head with love and affection. I found out yesterday through another mutual friend that he has been going back out with B since just after I left. He wasn’t even going to tell me, I only knew because my friend said she had seen them, asked B what the hell was going on and did I know and B said “Oh he’s going to dump her in an email” I am so angry that they would have been sitting around discussing me while I had no idea what was going on!

Well B has been his bit on the side on and off for years but now she has dumped her husband and moved out with her kids to set up a flat with J. Within just a few weeks. He is still married to D who doesn’t want to let her supply go out of her control and there will be a world of hurt. B will get dumped for sure and he will try to run back to me.

I know I am well out of it but at the moment the pain I feel is excruciating. And I miss his platonic friendship, we knew each other so well, and never wanted to lose that. He never did get the chance to “dump me in an email” because I pre-empted it and told him not to bother as I knew what he was going to say and how cruel he was to let me find out by parading her around in front of friends that they knew would tell me. I’ve told him in no uncertain terms to F off and now I feel like that little teenager again sobbing over her broken heart instead of a strong independant 52 year old woman.

Moral of the story is, they NEVER change and will prey on you for years if they have to for the chance to build you up and then hurl you off the cliff again.”

My reply to Nemo:

Nemo, I am so sorry you had to learn this painful lesson but thank you so much for sharing it; I am sure you are saving many people from making the same mistake you, and I made. I too got sucked in to giving it another try, not 20+ years later mind you, but I witnessed my ex trying to do it to his ex’s and I went back after months of no contact because he seemed to sincere, and thought “Why would he bother if he didn’t mean it?”

There are a few things about your story I wanted to point out that you may not have realized. 

  1. You say that D is a narcissist and J met his match with her. If I had a $100 I would bet it all on the fact that she is no more a narcissist than you are. Narcissists are famous for accusing their victims of exactly the same things they themselves do. I bet that D is as much a victim as you or I and that if she is acting crazy and refusing to let him go it is because of the abuse she has suffered at his hands. I bet it was him that sucked her back into the web and she has been a victim of his infidelity and gas lighting all this time. 
  2. He wanted you to find out through the grapevine that he was with B because he wanted to cause the most pain.
  3. You thought you knew him so well, you thought you had this great friendship all these years and that you both valued this friendship. It was all a lie, you don’t know him at all, it has all been an act that he put on to suck you in. He is a chameleon who changes his colours to suit whichever victim he is sucking in at the time. All you women are the same in his mind, all interchangeable, he just morphs into the man of each woman’s dreams and tells them what they need to hear. My ex also had 4-6 women on the hook at the same time for years, unbeknownst to me; telling each of us what we needed to hear to believe he loved us and only us. Nothing makes them feel more alive and powerful than being able to suck in numerous woman at the same time. 

You are right, B will be discarded just like all the rest and she will suffer just like all the rest and J will be patting himself on the back because he destroyed another marriage. Isn’t he powerful?! and all the while he will be claiming to be the victim of yet another psycho bitch who won’t let him go.

I am sorry your marriage was destroyed, I am sorry you got sucked in, but you will survive and you will find happiness again; especially if you do the work necessary to learn to love yourself and appreciate the beautiful woman you are and that you don’t need a man to make you feel valuable and loveable.  

To everyone reading this post.

Nemo’s story is not that rare, I have heard from victims who have done this dance with the narcissist their whole lives, 20+ years. Women who have ruined their marriages after years of no contact because the narcissist came waltzing into their lives professing his undying love. That is why taking time to heal properly and fully AND no contact, ever!! is so important!!

You just do not realize how sick and twisted these people are!! Take it from people who have been there, you don’t have to experience it yourself to learn that these soul vampires are evil and never ever change! ever!! You MUST get it through your head that, they do not make sense and they do not have normal emotions and you MUST stop assigning them normal emotions and assuming they feel a certain way because that is they way they are acting. They are academy award winning actors who can pass lie detector tests, never forget that, never relax around them, never assume you are immune to their manipulation.

Once you have been involved with a narcissist, in his mind you are forever his possession to use and abuse as he sees fit, even 20+ years later. James kept all his ex’s on the line, he might not contact them for years and then out of the blue he would call and profess his undying love just to see if he could. Why? who cares? what matters is; you knowing he will do it and not swallowing the poison.

No one has ever come in here and said that years later the narcissist came back a changed man. I can only assume if it had ever happened they would be spreading the word that narcissist can change and they had found happiness. I know if it happened to me I would tell everyone!! No one is shouting off the roof tops because it just does not happen!!

They can wait years! they will tell you that they have pined away for you all those years and you are the only woman they ever loved, all the while telling 4 other women the same thing. Yes for 8 years Nemo had a “friendship” with her ex narc but how would she have known what he was doing, she only knew what he was telling her? I have read the letters James sent to the women he string along. They were all the same, except the name at the top was different ( no sorry, that wasn’t even different because he always called everyone “Babe”, he would change a few pertinent details, add a child if need be, but the main message in every single one was;

The victim is the love of his life

They are the only woman they will ever love and have waited all these years for them

He is willing to wait however long it takes for them to realize how much he loves them and want to settle down forever with him. (He has waited this long, he can wait forever to be with her)

The only difference was with the one in Africa, with her he was promising to bring her to Canada and make her his wife. Well actually he never SAID it in those exact words. His words were, he was still working on the paperwork to get her brought over to canada (which of course he was not) and he could not wait for the day he looked into his bride’s eyes and said “I do”. He never said who the bride was going to be so he really wasn’t lying. It’s not his fault if she assumed he meant her.

Every single one of his letters talked about how he had tried to make it work with me but the feelings just weren’t there any more and what a bitch I was and how I just wouldn’t let him go but he was done and didn’t love me any more.

He had just found the mother of his son after 15 years of her being no contact and he told her he had waited all that time for her and only loved her the whole time, but he had been with me for 9 of those 15 years. Did it hurt to read that? Cut my heart out!! Did she believe him? for awhile she did. But she was smart and cut her losses and bailed. But he is still in contact with her, they share a son but he hit the boy and kicked the kid out. I would think that would be enough to end all contact. Just goes to show you that they have a way of wrangling their way into your life and staying there. I firmly believe that any contact at all puts the victim in danger of getting sucked back into their sick web of toxicity.

All the while he was writing these letters, he was living with ME and had just come back to me in tears saying I was all the woman he would ever need, the only woman he had ever loved and begging for me to give him one more second chance and he would prove he could be trusted. He would prove to me he was being honest and just give him the chance to prove he had changed.

Take it from two women who have been there, drank the koolaid, there is no knight in shining armor underneath the mask. I used to believe I knew the real James, that I was special and knew the real man, that the abusive man was not the real James and I was the only woman who really knew him, the vulnerable, sweet little boy buried deep inside. I had seen a glimpse of him and was determined to bring that man back, was positive my special, unconditional love was going to revive the man I met, if I just forgave one more time and loved just a little bit harder, gave just a little bit more.

The really poisonous part of them coming back is; not only have we forgotten how bad things were, we are hearing all the things we longed to hear for so long and had given up hope on ever hearing. How can you walk away when you are finally getting the apology you have wanted for so long? You don’t walk away………….you run…..as fast as your legs can carry you and you never look back.

The Only Reason Why The Narcissist Apologizes and Begs You Back

It doesn’t make sense. It was his idea to split, then when you left he blamed you for the relationship failing OR he road off into the sunset with his new woman, gleefully pointing out all the ways she is so much better than you.

You struggled with the guilt, self doubt and endless nights of obsessing about him and his new woman. You shed more tears than you thought was humanly possible and finally you started to get stronger. You may not be 100% healed but you got back on your feet and you are surviving.

Although you may still shed a tear or two, you accept he is a narcissist and you stay no contact out of self preservation. You no longer fantasize about getting back together, you know you will never get the apology you wanted for possibly years. Perhaps you are making good money, maybe starting to date, you have reconnected with friends and ……….. you can see happiness in your future.

And then out of nowhere he appears at your door, or he calls, or shows up at your work place and he is sweet, meek, remorseful, gentle with you and practically gushing with love and regret. Taking full responsibility for his actions and for hurting you. Why? Why would he apologize now? 

apology

You haven’t called him, not like all the other times you split when you would blow up his phone with text messages begging for a reason why he hated you. You never called him, never begged, in fact you haven’t even seen him in all this time, so he is there in front of you of his own free will; saying all the things you longed to hear for so long. The only reason he can possibly be there is if he has had am epiphany and realizes his mistake and really loves you. You know him, and he never apologized in the past, not a real heart felt apology.

Even if at first you feel strong enough to not succumb to his charms eventually his persistence will start to wear you down, you will start to fall in love with him again. He will be acting so sincere, and consistently being sweet and helpful, understanding, you will once again talk all night about the future, the way couples in love do. The love making will be passionate again and you will get that tingle when he touches you, once again he is in your thoughts all day, but they are happy thoughts this time, like in the beginning. He calls regularly and arrives on time and gives you a full account of his activities without you even asking him. He no longer packs his phone everywhere with him and leaves it laying out for you to check anytime you want and you do, and find nothing suspicious.

If he doesn’t mean it, why would he be making such an effort? he could have other women and you have no doubt that he has had other women, why wouldn’t he just stay with one of them,? why come back to you?

That is what I was thinking when I went back to James, plus he had said he was given 6 months to live just for safe measure. Who lies about dying??!! I told myself that my gut screaming at me to run was just because of the past and people can change and even if it didn’t work out I had proven to myself and him that I was independent and quite capable of taking care of myself. After all most of our fights were about money and me not making enough and now I was making good money, had a successful business, was buying a home, and I knew I could survive without him and I thought I knew how to avoid the fights, I was smarter and more aware and I could foresee trouble and nip it in the bud.

I had my faults in the relationship also, I couldn’t believe how I had reacted at times, no wonder he got sick of my crying and being suspicious. (We can have selective memories too at times and we are usually quick to forgive and forget, we don’t expect a person to wear sackcloth and ashes for the rest of their lives). And THIS time, at the first sign of trouble I will be out of there, no more chances!

So, what happened? what went wrong?

I was naive, I didn’t educate myself on narcissists, I believed that they never apologize so when he came back and was so humble and contrite i convinced myself that he must not be a narcissist. In fact he even admitted that he might be one when he apologized and said he would get help. I didn’t know they can’t be cured.

I didn’t realize what the real reason for him coming back was until a couple of years after I left for the last time.

He came back to destroy me.

You see, in the past I had always begged, pleaded, bargained and he would “do me the favor” of trying again. He would take me back because he didn’t want to see me on the street with no where to go. He hated to see me cry.

But this time I had blocked him, changed my cell phone number ( I never used my land line) and within a few months I was doing pretty good, had a handsome younger man chasing me, was buying a mobile home, etc etc and he had not destroyed me by leaving me. His ego could not handle it, I was supposed to be grovelling, a broken pile of emotions on the floor, helpless without him and I wasn’t. And I had to pay for that. He came back with the sole intention of destroying me so when he left next time I would be a grovelling, broken, insecure, lonely, cripple filled with self doubt. And he continues to pop into my life now and then just to stir the pot and try to create havoc in my life and so far I have survived every time he tries.

If you aren’t strong and self sufficient, you will still pay. If you go running back just so happy he graced you with his presence again, then he will punish you for being so F’ing stupid to believe his lies yet again and the abuse will start almost immediately.

Watch this 4 minute video by Sam Vaknin, where he explains it.

If A Person Was The Paranoid Type

I was sitting at my bar counter in my new comfy Captain’s chair with my laptop at the ready waiting for Eddie to call on Skype for our interview. My notes at my side (which I didn’t look at once through the whole interview), I checked the clock and it was 5 minute to 5, he should be calling any minute. I noticed a humming type sound, like a weed whacker sound, I wasn’t sure how long it had been there but it wasn’t going away and like you know, I live on a boat, my neighbors don’t use weed whackers. I looked out the window and couldn’t see anything but I definitely could hear something, I looked left and right and there was no one out there that I could see and then I looked up and there was a drone, right outside my window. I could see the camera on it and it was pointing right at me, now there are dozens of boats here, but it was right outside my window and I am closest to the shore, there is an empty slip behind me, no one lives on the boat in front of me, I kinda stand alone.

GETTY_1715_Drone
This is pretty much what it looked like. I didn’t think to take a picture of it looking at me until it was gone of course.

When I looked out the window it took off, I followed it and it disappeared, I searched for the operator and couldn’t see anyone. I didn’t want to leave the boat because I was expecting Eddie’s call. I have a 360 degree view in my boat and in the distance I saw the drone coming back, this time it came from the front, straight down the line of boats and sat directly in front of my boat and hovered (last time it hovered on the side) it sat there for a few seconds if not minutes and then darted off again.

I noticed Eddie had messaged me on Facebook so I checked and he had tried to skype me and it had not worked. I struggled with Skype for gee, I bet 1/2 an hour if not longer and could not get it to work. Nothing worked on my computer, I was signed into Skype, but I could not do anything, Eddie tried to give my instructions but it just kept wanting me to download it again and again and I could never get in because it said wrong username or password. Eddie assured me it was not just me, he has had trouble with Skype every time he used it.

We never did get Skype to work, he suggested i try to video call him through Facebook and that failed also, it said I had to open it in Chrome, but I was in Chrome already, it kept wanting me to download Chrome. I was laughing but getting frustrated by now. So Eddie called me through Facebook and it didn’t come through on my computer but my cell phone rang. We did the interview over the phone and I think it went well.

Eddie was a great interviewer (or whatever you call a radio host, radio talk show host seems long) of course I got off the phone an hour later and all night thought of all the things I wish I would have said but the hour just flew by so fast!!! It was just like talking to friend on the phone. A great first experience being interviewed! Thank you Eddie for putting me so at ease!! He said he will let me know and provide a link but figured he would broadcast it next Tuesday. He said he is interviewing two comic writers and then another two comic writers and wants to put our interview in between them. I said, “Yeah, can’t have things to light and fun, let’s bring everyone down for variety.”

I hope it went as well as I think it did. I don’t think I did much ummmming, but he said he can edit that sort of thing out anyway.

My laptop seems fine today, I haven’t tried to Skype mind you.

It just seemed so strange that the drone showed up right at the time Eddie was scheduled to call and then my laptop refused to work properly, if not for my cell the interview would not have happened. coincidence? who knows. i can’t count how many times when I was with James I told myself, “Oh it was just a coincidence that he was crawling out from under your truck when you went to go work and your brakes failed that morning.” “It was just a coincidence that he text messaged to say “Be careful out there” only minutes before I blew a front tire on the freeway and had to fight to keep the truck on the road with no brakes or power steering because the tire blowing had taken out my brake line. I had just enough brake fluid to get it stopped, all 16,000 pounds of truck and scrap.

BUT I am not a paranoid person, and if by chance James was flying a drone around the marina (and it is something he would do, he loves techie type stuff and always had the latest gadgets) there is not much I can do about it and the interview went ahead as planned just a little later.

Today I have a doctors appointment, I haven’t said anything because it might not be anything but I have something on my arm that they think might be skin cancer and I am getting it cut off and tested today. I have had moles taken off and tested many times, my body is covered in moles, but this one looks different and I am a little nervous about it. Of course I have had to wait a couple of months to get into the specialist and it has gotten bigger and uglier in the meantime. I am sure it is nothing just like all the other times but positive thought certainly never hurt.

See you all tomorrow and in the meantime some reading material, here is a link to Lovefraud’s newest post about the narcissist/sociopath, psychopath popping back into your life claiming to be a changed man.

Testing, Testing…….

Testing, Testing……..

I always felt James was testing my love; did or do you feel the same way with your partner? He had told me the sob story about his one true love who had an affair with her ex, (he even caught the guy leaving their apartment), got pregnant and left him while he was on the road trucking. He ended up coming home to an empty apartment, she had even cleaned out his storage unit that was full of all the memorabilia he had collected in his travels, priceless artefacts, she had falsely accused him of all sorts of abuse, been arrested on trumped up charges and he had been devastated. She had left the town and he never knew if the child was his or not. He showed me one tattered picture of a small boy he had gotten from the girl’s sister. To make the story even more poignant, he had been adopted and never knew his own father and had never wanted to bring a child into the world and not be there for the child. This story touched me immensely because I, at the age of 16 had given a baby boy up for adoption and I had always dreamed of someday having a family and then ended up being a single mom of a boy who’s father was not in his life.

Can you see how this plucked at my heart strings, hit all my buttons and pulled me into his web? There is no way he knew my story when he told me his; it was enough to make any woman feel for him but for me it hit so close to home I could not help but be drawn into his story.

I can look back and see how I easily slipped into the role of his next unsuspecting victim. I had been to counselling for years dealing with issued from my childhood and overcome my insecurities (or so I thought), I had taken relating effectively courses, wanting to become a better person; in other words I had done a lot of work on myself. I was not some love struck teenager falling in love for the first time, I had been around the block a time or two and I had worked on my relationship skills so when he said he had never met a woman so calm and rational, I believed him. I am almost embarrassed to admit how much I believed him, I secretly felt superior to the other women he had been with, simply because I was older, more mature, more experienced and I HAD worked on myself; and he seemed so naive and vulnerable.

I think we all want to believe we are the greatest love of a man’s life, we are better than all the rest, we have something special that no other woman ever had; sex with us is the best, we are the most understanding, we see the best in him and believe in him. How many of you have thought, “He has so much potential, he just needs a good woman to believe in him”? Well, that is what I was thinking.

Adding to the mix, he cried real tears when he told me he loved me for the first time, he bought me a CD and dedicated a song to me and we danced (he hated to dance, so this really touched me), he swept me off my feet (literally) every time I walked through the door and packed me off to the bedroom to make love. It was like he couldn’t get enough of me, wanted to consume me, he was the only man who didn’t roll over after sex, he wanted to stay inside me and fall asleep that way, making love many times in a night. It was the only time I had ever slept with a man and not rolled over at some point in the night; I always woke up in the same position I fell asleep in; if he was not inside me I was laying with my head on his chest, my hand under his head, my leg over his, his arm under me pulling me close to him. Always. Until the last couple of years.

He told me often how he loved me just the way I was and to never change; that he had thought he was in love before but I had shown him what real love was. I treasured that; I never wanted him to doubt my love, I wanted him to know what it felt like to be loved and appreciated and I was not going to take his good nature for granted. I felt we had a mutual appreciation for each other, we had both had our heart breaks and as a couple in their 40’s were ready for love. There was no wondering if he would call, if he cared, I never wondered if he loved me, he was so open and honest with his feelings I felt at ease to just be myself and love him with every fiber of my being.

And so the stage was set. I had numerous built in excuses to excuse his behaviour. I would tell myself that he put personal ads in because he was afraid I would leave him, it was just his way of making sure he was still attractive and protecting himself from being hurt, he would never act on it and meet any of the women. When he lost it on me the first time, the day after we moved into a house we were buying, I was dumb struck, he had never talked to me like that ever, I had never seen him so angry and he was angry over something he thought I was thinking but wasn’t. I thought we could discuss it calmly and rationally like we always discussed everything but this time there was no getting through to him. I thought to myself that, “He is just scared, we have made this commitment to buy a house and he is afraid of getting hurt, in time he will know I am not going anywhere and feel safe to love me openly.” This excuse worked for a few years, he didn’t say it in so many words, I came up with it by myself, but the seeds were planted by him right from the beginning.

I went many years thinking, “If I just love him enough, show him I won’t leave him like the other women, he will relax and enjoy our love, he will stop pushing me away.” After all, we would go out and be just like we were in the beginning, laughing, (we had the same sense of humour and always laughed, almost right to the end), relaxed, just enjoying each other’s company, or we would make love so passionately, it seemed immediately after an especially loving time together he would be especially cold and withdrawn. It indicated to me that he was afraid of getting hurt, every time he showed his “true feelings” he would put up his defences.

I felt I was the only woman who knew the true James, I was going to prove to him that I loved him unconditionally, it didn’t matter how much money he made, or if he was in a good mood or bad mood, if he got fired or even if he pushed me away; my love was true and I believed in him. I thought the good times were the “true James” and the bad times were when he was “testing” my love.

For a long time, like a couple of years, the good far outweighed the bad. I can remember being in my garden, tears streaming down my face, praying for God to give me a sign, tell me what to do, please make James realize how much I love him. I got signs alright, you know you can interpret signs to mean what you want them to mean?. One time after he had hit me for the first time and didn’t even seem sorry I was praying to God to give me a sign what I should do, should I leave? Stay? And all of a sudden I thought about a blue barrack box James had in the storage shed. I had never looked in it, never even entered my mind to look in it but all of a sudden I knew I should look. I fought the urge because I respected people’s privacy and this was going against my grain but I went out there and when I opened the lid, right on top was a journal. With shaking hands I opened it to a random page and the words jumped out at me. He was talking about hitting the woman who had the baby.

I read about how she was pregnant and he had been on the road trucking. She was at a friend’s or an auntie’s or some place and he was to pick her up at a certain time. He got home and dicked around with his truck and purposely left her sitting there waiting for him for literally hours (something he ALWAYS did to me). When he got there she was asleep, so she had to wake up (remember she is pregnant) and she is not impressed. On the way home she ties into him about being inconsiderate and accuses him of screwing around. According to him he told her to shut up and “just like all the others she didn’t shut up when I told her to and I hit her.” He went on to talk about how when they got home he locked himself in the bedroom with the phone and called all her friends and family complaining about her. When he finally let her in the bedroom she went to sleep and he tried to have sex but she pushed him away. He got up in the morning and left without saying I love you. When he was a few hours down the road he called to say “I love you” and all she said was, “You woke me up to tell me that?” and hung up. When he got home from his run a week later she was gone.

I had prayed for a sign from God and it was a pretty blatant sign that James had a history of abuse, him saying “just like all the others” meant it was not a one time deal, but did I pack my bags and leave? No. Do you know what I did? I vowed to prove to him that I would never leave him. I knew he loved me, I had seen the true James, the vulnerable, romantic, kind and gentle James and I was not going to walk out on him now.

God sent me lots of “signs” over the years, like when James used my laptop and forgot to sign off, so when I went to go into my Hotmail, his kept popping up. I kept closing it and trying to open mine but his would pop up again. Finally I thought God must want me to see something and stopped long enough to read his in box. Right there near the top was “Your recent matches from Plenty Of Fish”. He had told me he had closed his account, but I was soon to find out, you can hide your profile and still see other people and contact them, they just can’t see you; so he had never gotten out of POF or stopped meeting women. Did I leave him then? Oh no! I confronted him, I “made a stand” I told him how hurt I was, I offered to leave if he didn’t love me, I expected him to do the right thing. I thought he would react like a normal caring person and if he didn’t love me he would leave. I had always made it very clear from the beginning that all I expected was honesty and faithfulness, I had never given him any indication I was ok with him having sex with other women. I assumed that if I told him how upset I was, that I would not tolerate it, he would either leave or he would stop looking for other women. I had proven my love for him, I didn’t ask anything of him except for honesty, how come it was so hard for him to understand? He didn’t seem to understand why I would be so upset about him having ads. I would try to explain by asking him, “how would you feel if you found out I had personal ads?” He never answered, but I didn’t think he had to. I would tell him that if he wanted to see other women he could not be with me, so when he would call and want to take me to dinner I would assume he was with me because he had chosen to give up the other women. Every time I would think that we had made a break through, and he finally understood, but nothing ever changed.

We split and he would always come begging me back, he would acknowledge everything he had done wrong and take all the blame and I would think he must mean it, why would he bother if he didn’t? But nothing ever changed.

As much as I was willing to have my love tested, I never ever tested his love. If he said he was sorry, I immediately forgave and it was past history. I never once said to him, “No you can’t come back until you prove yourself.” I never made him work for it. I just handed it over, my love and commitment was his for the taking. If I had tested him love, he would have failed miserably, if I wouldn’t have let him move back in so fast, if I would have held back and not given 110% all the time; I would have known a lot sooner that he didn’t love me. I never challenged him. Why is it that we are so willing to prove our love and yet don’t expect the man to prove he deserves it? Are we afraid that if we did he would prove he doesn’t deserve it and that would hurt, so we lie to ourselves and choose to believe his words and not his actions?

Be honest with yourself for a few minutes here and think about how long he has been proving that he doesn’t love you? Not what he tells you with words, but what he shows you in actions. It’s sad, isn’t it? when you realize you have been proving your love to someone who is nothing but words; thinking some day the investment is going to pay off.

Why Would He Bother? – Boomerang 101

boomerang1

No matter how many times you throw a boomerang away; it always comes back and if you aren’t careful it will hit you right in the head.

Twenty years later, you have moved on with your life, maybe you are married, or divorced, widowed? but the narcissist has not entered your mind in years. It was, admittedly the most painful time of your life; but you moved on eventually and life has been good, you have bought a home, your career is taking off, and the future looks bright.

And then; you get a friend request on Facebook, or out of the blue he calls you; the narcissist. You are immediately suspicious, after all this time what does he want? Your gut tells you to ignore him but your curiosity gets the better of you. After all, you are over him, you love someone else, or maybe you are single but you certainly know you will never go down that road again, you don’t have to touch that hot stove again.

Years have gone by, he won’t have the same effect on you, you are so much stronger than you were in your 20’s, you are more confident, self-sufficient, sure of yourself. What harm can it do to just talk to him? See what kind of story he has to tell.

He is so grateful you accept his friend request or sounds nervous on the phone and almost immediately he bursts into a heartfelt apology for all the hurt he caused you so many years ago. He really sounds sorry and even though you thought you had moved on it feels damn good to get an apology and finally hear him say it was all his fault. You are a generous person and when he says it was totally all his fault you say,”It takes two, I had my faults in the relationship too, I mean I was suspicious and lost my temper.”

But he insists, No, you did everything right, he was wrong to treat you the way he did. All he wanted to do was call to apologize, he doesn’t want to disrupt your life; and he sounds relieved. He asks if you are happy and you tell him yes, very. he says that is good, he is happy to hear that and almost sheepishly he tells you that he has done pretty well for himself financially and well….. he owes much that to you and he wants you to know that if you need anything, anything at all just ask; then he says he has to go. Thanks you for accepting his apology and says he won’t bother you again. You say good-bye and catch yourself smiling to yourself.

A few days pass and you receive a message from the narcissist on Facebook to have a nice day and saying it felt really good to hear your voice. They missed having you in their life.

Before you know it you are checking Facebook to see if he has left a message, you check his Facebook to see if he is involved with anyone. You are just curious, you would check anyone you ran into after 20 years, it doesn’t mean anything.

After a few weeks he calls and says he would love to see you, can he buy you dinner, he will understand if you say no, he just wanted to see you face to face, bring a date if you want or your husband. He would love to meet the smart man who knew a good thing when he saw it and hung on to you, and he laughs, a little too exuberantly; you can tell he regret losing you. You feel attractive and validated, strong and in control so you accept the dinner invitation.

And so it goes, before too long you are meeting more often (and not telling your husband, after all why worry him, he wouldn’t understand how you can be friends with the narc and it IS just friends). Then why do you feel those butterflies in your stomach? why are you buying a new outfit to wear to dinner and why do you feel like a schoolgirl…………you haven’t felt this way since………well since the last time you dated him.

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http://brettcave.net/images/pix/Garfield-Boomerang.gif

 

But why would he bother, after all these years? surely if he was interested in screwing someone over he would have met many prospects by now. And he apologized for everything and owned his shit………..he never did THAT before, and he is doing well financially, he even offered to help you so why would he bother if he wasn’t sincere?

Well, Odie; let me fill you in on what he has been doing the past 20 years.

He has gone through the women alright, he has ruined a few lives, maybe even had kids, he has had his business ventures and at times he did do well and some woman was always there to bail him out when things went south again and he bled her dry and still lost it all eventually. He is not a spring chicken any more, the women don’t fall at his feet like they used to and he really hates having to put on that nice act every time he has to hook new supply. It is so much easier if he can hook an old supply back in; he knows people tend to fall back into old patterns of behavior without even realizing it. He knows you needed validation and would soak it up like a sponge, he knew exactly what to say to get you to drop your guard and let him in. He is homeless again, maybe staying at a friend’s house so he can take you to his “new house”, he is driving a flashy car (the last woman’s car), or maybe he is still with the last woman and she has no idea he is out trolling for fresh supply.

Wait for it, it will come; the proposal, the “I have always loved you, I could never really commit to any other woman because my heart was always yours.” “Run away with me, we can have the love we should have had years ago, please give me another chance to show you how much I love you and treat you the way I should have years ago.” “I am a changed man, because of you; losing you showed me how rare true love is.”

Then, once you leave your marriage or sell your house and move in with him; it will come; he needs money, just a loan for a few months until this investment that is going to pay big bucks comes through. He will pay you back with interest, better than you are getting at the bank and it is for your future, your future as a couple.

Why would he come back and lead you on again? How could he do that to you again? Because he is a narcissist and anyone he ever dated is always on his “hit list”, any port in a storm, when he needs something he doesn’t care where it comes from as long as he gets what he wants and you were a pushover just like he thought you would be. If you had refused to talk to him he might have tried for a little while but he would have used someone else, he might have had to work a bit harder if it had to be a new woman but there’s a sucker born every minute don’t you know and if they are stupid enough to believe his lies it’s not his fault. Besides, it just proves once again he still has it.