Category Archives: Carrie Reimer

Guilt Is Absolutely Useless-Give It Up


Lately on other sites I have seen women talking about feeling guilt, self blaming and shame for either raising a child with a narcissist and who now is a narcissist and treats you like they hate you.

I just want to say, the one mistake you made is, you chose to have a child with a narcissist. But you didn’t know he was a narcissist at the time so you have to give that one up.
Even if you would have had children with a perfectly normal loving man, you could have had a narcissistic child. Narcissists are born to normal caring people all the time. And narcissists have normal feeling children all the time. It is the “luck of the draw” sort of speak. There is nothing you could have done differently, left earlier, stayed longer, been stronger, more strict, less strict, your child would have been a narcissist regardless of how he/she was raised.
Your guilt is not helping anyone, not you, not your child, not society.
In fact, your guilt is making everything worse. When you are riddled with guilt you can’t live authentically, you can’t live honestly or fully, you can’t find peace or happiness. Guilt eats away at your self confidence and affects every thing you do, every decision you make. Guilt drives good people away.
It is impossible to ever get close to anyone if you are consumed with guilt.
I used to feel guilty about my son, I met the narcissist when my son was 17 and I was with him off and on for 10 yrs. My son HATES him. I wish things were different, I have given my son a heartfelt apology, but I can not change the past. I came to realize my guilt was preventing me from having the relationship I wanted with my son. If I ever wanted to have a close relationship with my son I HAD to give up the guilt.
If your child tries to keep you in guilt as a way of making you feel bad and in their control, you need to refuse to accept it.
The best thing you can do for yourself and for everyone else, (whether your child is narcissist or not); is live your best life, from this day forward.
Apologize, yes! And then let it go. And start living your life with total honesty, act like the person you want to be. You can not change the past, you can not change another person, you only have power over yourself. If you want to be loved for who you are, you must be your honest self. And you can not be yourself if you are consumed with guilt. Read Brene Brown or watch some of her videos on shame.
People will fight any positive changes you make because they like you feeling guilty because a guilty person is easier to manipulate, a guilty person is a martyr.
Live a life you can be proud of, be the example of the person you want your child to grow up to be. That is what a responsible parent would do.
You don’t ever stop being a parent, you can still be an example of a strong, confident, wise, loving adult, no matter how old you or your children are. You don’t know what the future holds as far as your children go.
But I know it is human nature that the harder you try to force someone, especially your child; to do or think a certain way; the harder they fight back.
You do not have to take disrespect or mistreatment from anyone, including your children. If you live honestly and true to your core self, no one can make you feel guilty.
If you are in the company of your child and they are angry, blaming, and generally acting like they hate you, leave. I have done it with my son and it hurt like hell. He was angry about the past about the narcissist and wouldn’t listen to reason. We were in my car and I was driving him home, which was a 2 hour drive and we were only half way. We had stopped for lunch and he started in on me. I tried to explain and calm him down. When I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere, I said. “I love you. I have apologized, I can’t change the past and I can not talk to you right now because you aren’t listening. Calm down and talk to me respectfully or get out of the car”.
That made him really angry and he got out and pulled all his shit out of my car. I wanted to beg him to get back in the car, grovel for his love, cry, my heart was breaking, but I drove away.
God help me, it was hard. I wanted to turn around SO BADLY! All the way home I wanted to turn around, I worried how he would get home with all his stuff. (Xmas gifts, clean laundry, a case of beer, tools he had alot of stuff). I didn’t even know if he had enough money to get home, but he was in his early 20’s, and he would figure it out.
When I got home I wanted to call him to see if he got home ok. I needed to know he still loved me, I felt awful!! I had to take a long walk without my phone to avoid breaking down and calling him. It took until the next day but he called me. “Hi Mom, I’m sorry. I love you.”
And I replied, “I love you too kiddo”.
We have never discussed it again. I did ask him how he got home and I guess it was quite an ordeal and we actually laughed about what he ended up going through.
We always say I love you every time we talk and he has never treated me like that again, never mentioned my ex.
I can still get consumed with guilt, believe me!! But I know I can not have a good relationship with my son if I am feeling guilty about the past. When you are consumed with guilt you are always super sensitive to any indication of disapproval from the person, you analyze every conversation, you read a hidden meaning into the most innocent comment, get defensive over small insignificant things, you get angry when there isn’t justification, you conjole, grovel, accept bad behavior, compromise your values, allow boundaries to be blurred. Guilt is the worst motivation to do anything.
The other thing is, your child doesn’t have to be a narcissist for you to feel guilty or unloved. Years ago my sister in law told me she had never felt guilty until she had my nephew, now she always felt guilty! Haha It’s what mother’s do.
All you can do is be the best mom you can be.
You know my happiest days are the ones when my kid calls. I can be feeling like he must hate me, I haven’t heard from him in awhile and he’ll call. He’ll need my advice, or need a recipe, and all is good in my world again. Our kids are our life, but we aren’t their life.
All we can do is be the best person we can be. You do your best and never stop doing your best. You can’t “win” someone over, you have to believe that things happen for a reason and the truth will win in the end. By living your best life and refusing to allow your child to try you with disrespect they will at the very least respect you.
Let me share from a child’s perspective. I always thought my dad was a controling asshole and my mom was the helpless victim. My dad screwed around on my mom, justified it by criticizing her. He would get so angry around the house we all walked on eggshells and my mom always was the fun parent, always the victim, teaches us to tip toe around when my dad was home. But she also under mined me all the time, my brother was the golden child. Anyway, my dad used to try to get me on his side all the time, criticized my mom constantly, cry to me about how horrible my mom was.
They finally split. And over the years since they split I have been able to see my mom for who she really is, she has caused so much pain in my life, I have caught her in so many lies. I now understand what my dad was trying to do, but it doesn’t justify it. He never should have done that to a child, talk to me about his marriage, how unhappy he was; put that on my shoulders. The truth of the matter is, I was raised by two very unhealthy people and I came away with my own issues because of it.
My dad should have left my mom and gone on to live true to his core self, instead of being a person I couldn’t respect. There were many good things about my dad that were obliterated by his adulterous, miserable self. He wanted me to see him as the poor victim and that he wouldn’t cheat or be miserable if my mom was a better wife.
What I learned was, I wanted to be a better parent than either of them. I could only do that by living true to myself and do what I know to be right. Show who I am by living a life where I am kind, loving, charitable, honest, and never blame anyone else for my bad choices or actions. I know who I am, I know what my intentions are, and I always have a choice.
I have made horrible choices in my life, but I can always choose to be better and hope that if nothing else my son will respect the fact that I never stopped trying to be a better person.
Don’t let your guilt make you into less of a person you want to be.

One Day Into Living Your Wholehearted Life

You may not feel it right now, but today is the first day you start living your life on your terms, honestly, without apology. Doesn’t that sound lovely? To just live true to your core self, with your whole heart and be loved for exactly who you are. Have you ever been loved for being exactly who you are? Just the way you are without having to change anything?

I watched Jane Fonda interviews for hours yesterday, if you don’t have anything to do today I highly recommend watching a few. I’ve always admired her because she was radical, brave, and appeared so confident, an activist, speaking out for the underdog, using her celebrity to do good and as a platform to speak for those without a voice.

Then I find out she was terribly insecure, bulemic, a people pleaser who at the age of 60 decided to find her true self and be the person she was always meant to be and not the person she was told she “should” be.

I love this quote from her, it goes something like this;

“we aren’t meant to be perfect,

we are meant to be whole.”

I won’t go into her whole story, it took several interviews to get the full scope of her life, but I found myself feeling a kinship with her. She is this huge star, raised with extreme privilege, constantly surrounded by famous people and money and she had the same insecurities I did growing up. She was bulemic, like I was, well into her adulthood. Her identity came from the man she was with. She’s been married 3 times like me, and isn’t embarrassed to admit it. She is so down to earth, so giving, and speaks honestly about her mistakes, personal growth and her journey to living true to her core self.

She shared that she left her 3rd husband even though she really loved him, and still does; because she knew if she stayed she would never find out who she was meant to be. She moved in with her son and said she was the most broken she had ever been, in unimaginable pain, and it propelled her on a search to find out who she was.

She researched her parents and their baggage which helped her understand why they parented the way they did. She discovered she had been living her whole life trying to be the person she was told she should be and always feeling she was failing.

That is the same thing I have discovered. When you keep trying to be someone you are not, you live in fear of people seeing through the facade and finding out you’re a fake. You rely on the approval of others for your self worth.

I remember thinking after leaving my ex that I had never been Carrie. I had been somebody’s daughter, somebody’s wife, Kristofer’s mother, even the Lady Witha Truck, the daycare lady, but I didn’t know who Carrie was.

It is such a freeing feeling to figure out who you are and that you like her. I am not perfect, and I hope people love me but I don’t really care if they don’t. I can’t go back to pretending, I want to keep discovering myself, growing and become my best self. I plan on continuing to grow until I die.

Jane Fonda said she thinks, as I do; that a person has to be broken and in extreme pain before they try to fix themselves by finding their core self.

I implore you to take this rare opportunity to explore your inner true self and vow to make 2021 you year to become Wholehearted. Some powerful women are speaking out about finding inner peace by discovering who they were meant to be. It is the only way you can ever reach your full potential, be loved for being you, and find inner peace.

When you live a Wholehearted life you automatically become a better parent, find your perfect job, more confident, shed guilt and shame, eat healthier, sleep better and attract good authentic people into your life.

Try it, what have you got to lose?

Happy Day one of 2021.

Hugs❤️

Breaking Up Can Be Like A Bad Hangover

Those of you who have ever done alot of partying will be able to relate to waking up in the morning with a hangover. You aren’t sure what you did, you thought you were having fun at the time but you wake up full of regret, self doubt, and generally feeling physically ill, shame filled and drained.

To make yourself feel better you eat a big greasy breakfast, maybe you call friends for reassurance, and you curl up on the couch and watch cartoons. Another “cure” for a hangover is to have the “hair of the dog” or have another drink. Having another drink WILL make you feel better, for awhile, but eventually, you are going to have to sober up and deal with the hang over. If you don’t sober up, you are setting yourself on a destructive path that will only get worse.

A smart person, goes out for a walk, gets some fresh air and exercise, eats healthy food, and surrounds themselves with healthy people.

When you break up with a narcissist you need to do things that are good for you. To call him, see him, have any contact whatsoever, is like having the hair of the dog; you’ll feel better for awhile but eventually you are going to have to go through the pain, you are just reopening the wound over and over again.

An alcoholic gravitates to other drinkers and feels uncomfortable with nondrinkers. When you are involved with a toxic person you gravitate to other toxic people and victims of toxic people because you feel too uncomfortable in the company of healthy people.

Your mind, values, morals, and boundaries have become blurred and you have to keep reminding yourself that right now you need to heal your heart, mind and soul before you make any decisions.

To start dating again right away is not going to help you heal, it’s like a drinker who quits drinking beer and only drinks wine. You’re just switching crutches and not fixing the problem. It will be a problem down the road.

You have a choice to make once you make the decision to leave and that is; how do you want to go forward? Do you want to heal and find happiness or by are you wanting to continue with these type of relationships, from toxic man to toxic man? If you don’t take the time to be grow and get better you take a very big chance you will meet someone the same or worse.

The damage compiles, it doesn’t go away, you end up taking the baggage from one toxic relationship into the next relationship. If the next relationship isn’t toxic, your baggage just may turn it toxic for you and the other person.

Healing takes time. Make 2021 your year to heal and get healthy. With Covid restrictions it’s not the time to be meeting too many people but it’s the perfect time to work on becoming a better you.