Category Archives: Crazy Making

I’m Rubber, You Are Glue

trump-glue

Remember back in grade school some smart ass kid that made your life hell and when you told him what you thought of him, he would sing, “I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” or another favorite was, “I know you are but what am I?”

As a young child you would get angry, perhaps cry,maybe even hit the other child and defend yourself. But no matter what you said nothing fazed the kid, he always had a come back, laugh, and when you tried the same lines, they just didn’t work for you, his words still hurt.

Fortunately most kids grow up and develop empathy and communication skills. We certainly aren’t expecting to have to deal with that kind of childish taunting as an adult but we found ourselves feeling just like we did as a child in the playground, frustrated, helpless to defend ourselves, crying, with our tormentor laughing at us, taunting us.

If you are still with the narcissist you probably haven’t figured out that; trying to reason with a narcissist, defending ourselves, or trying to make a narcissist admit any fault in the relationship is futile and will result in it bouncing off him and sticking to you. You accuse him of cheating, eventually he will accuse you, tell him he is a narcissist and he will research it and accuse you of all the traits of a narcissist; you may not believe it now because you are still thinking he/she is a normal person and eventually you will get through to them.

Trust me that you are not thinking clearly right now. This kind of gaslighting will drive the most sane person crazy. I can’t say I blame you because there is no way anyone could have convinced me he would turn against me the way my ex did. Deep down, through it all I truly felt there was a deep love for me buried inside him that he was terrified to admit or at the very least he had a conscience and could never lie about me so blatantly. I admit I felt superior to him because I was faithful and honest; he was the one screwing up the relationship, there was no way I could be blamed for the relationship failing.

Then came the day when he told me he’d had enough and it was over.

I said, “YOU’VE had enough??? enough what?”

He looked at me with disgust and said, “This”

I was furious, “You’ve had enough of this????? I have been faithful, I have been honest, you are the one who screwed around, you are the one who didn’t come home at night, who lied…….not me!”

He looked at me over his glasses and sneered when he asked, “And what did you do????”

Looking him right in the eyes, I was indignant, “I stayed.”

He spit out “Exactly” before he went back to reading his magazine and I stood there trying to absorb the enormity of three words. “I stayed” and “Exactly“.

It took a few months before I finally moved out, even though my ex said, “I don’t want you to be homeless so you can stay.” For whatever reason my biggest fear had always been being homeless and of course he knew that but I also knew that if I stayed it would be the death of me.

I had suspected he was cutting me down to his work mates but I had always conducted myself with class, honesty, hard work and wasn’t concerned with what he told his buddies. What I had not counted on and sadly underestimated was his vindictiveness and his ability to lie straight faced and be believed. He knew that all he had to do was put doubt into people’s minds, make a few anonymous phone calls, and act like an unwilling victim. It made me sick how he could play the victim, I had seen him do it with me about other people and now I knew he was doing it about me.

It took me a painfully long time to figure out that any one who decided they were going to “remain neutral” was not a friend of mine. I had never had a relationship where friends had to choose, I had never had a relationship end where I couldn’t remain friendly with my ex and I didn’t want to appear unkind or vindictive but I was constantly being put in the position of defending myself. What worked against me was the fact that I had remained loyal to him and not told people what was going on behind closed doors so when I defended myself to his accusations it all sounded like sour grapes. He had already told everyone I was a liar and crazy and I had stayed for 10 years and not said a word, so of course no one believed me. If it was that bad why did I stay, why didn’t I complain to anyone about him? call the police, go back time after time?

I kept thinking, he stole my identity! he had totally reversed roles and taken mine! He even used my own lines on me! Lines like:

“I can’t just shut off my feelings after we have a fight an pretend nothing happened.”

“Try putting yourself in the new girlfriend’s position, how would you like it if I was seeing an ex girlfriend?”

“She kept saying no one would love me like she did.”

“I am afraid of what you are going to do next.”

“She is trying to ruin my life, get me fired, destroy me.”

“She keeps trying to cause trouble in my life, destroying property, stealing from me etc”

It was infuriating to be accused of exactly what he was doing to me! but I knew the more I denied it the guiltier I looked. It was like entering the twilight zone. I had a couple of “friends” who insisted on telling me how happy he was with his new woman and all the things he was saying about me and what I was doing. It didn’t matter that I told them I didn’t want to hear it, they wanted to hear my explanation or defense against what he was saying, and I did play the game for awhile, until I realized that I didn’t need a friend who doubted my character and would listen to the shit my ex was spreading. I knew he was using them as a pawn to hurt me and to destroy my good reputation. Something I learned from being with my ex is; if a lie is told enough times to the right people, it becomes a fact in people’s minds. It’s a rather interesting phenomenon witnessed during the Trump campaign

That is when I decided the only thing I could control was how I conducted my life, I couldn’t anticipate what he would do next, I could only live honestly and true to my morals and principles AND cut all toxic  people from my life and keep trying to be the best version of me I can be.

When I started looking for answers about 2 years into the relationship there wasn’t a lot of information out there. In fact 6 years ago when I started the blog there still wasn’t much information out there, I did a lot of research and from sharing my own experiences and listening to the stories of thousands of women and men, I consider myself to be a bit of a layman expert and I will continue to spread the word about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, or whatever label you want to give these soul sucking vampires. I am here to tell you that any attempt to make the narcissist admit his mistreatment of you or feel any morsel of guilt or remorse, is not going to happen. In fact, anything you say will bounce off him and stick to you.

 

 

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That Smirk, Those Eyes, Can Freeze The Blood In The Victim’s Veins

At first you don’t know what it is exactly that makes you uncomfortable. My ex wore glasses, tinted usually; so you couldn’t really see his eyes and I thought he was extremely handsome as long as he kept his glasses on. But when he had his glasses off I avoided looking at his eyes, they made me feel very uncomfortable, I was repelled by them. There was nothing warm and loving about them, they scared me. Thankfully, or maybe unfortunately, he didn’t go without his glasses often. He had a picture of himself from a few years before I met him, it was like looking at the devil himself; and it could freeze you in your tracks or make you recoil.

I only saw it maybe a dozen times at the most in 10 years and it was something I preferred to forget or pretend never happened. It would be easy to pretend I didn’t see what I saw because he could recover from it like nothing ever happened while I would still be trying to absorb what just happened. A person doesn’t want to believe evil exists so when he would come back like nothing ever happened it was a lot easier to pretend nothing happened than to try and figure out exactly what I was dealing with.

cartoon-evilevil

We have an idea of what “evil” looks like from movies, books, even fairy tales; we sure don’t expect evil to look exactly like the person we love with all our hearts. If we tell people about our experiences, the minute we mention that he has a “smirk” and there is something about his eyes that scares us; they shut down and start acting like we are crazy, change the subject or walk away. Everyone continues to remain their friend and we doubt what we saw. After all it is so ambiguous, it’s a “feeling” and a fleeting feeling at that.

During our 10 year relationship there were times I feared for my life and it was at those times I left him. It seemed he could only be normal for so long before things would start to unravel for him, he would slowly start acting more insane, become more violent and out of control. The minute we split up he would be the sweet, kind, soft hearted man I met, crying and professing his love for me and swearing I had misunderstood his intentions, was paranoid or he was only responding to my craziness.

Near the end he started acting really crazy and his sister was living with us so I had a witness, which made it easier to believe and harder to ignore.  Like one night I woke up at 3am and he was nowhere to be found so I went out to the barn to look for him and he was came towards me out of the shadows with something in each hand; a couple of dead chickens. I was speechless and just went back in the house. The next day I went looking around the farm and there was a pile of dead chickens near the barn. To this day I don’t know what that was about. Then another time I went out to look for him in the barn I called out for him and didn’t hear a sound, the lights were all out so I went to the far end to flip the light switch and that is when I saw the red ember of his cigarette across the barn. I flipped the light switch and he was standing there, leaning against the wall smoking. Totally freaked me out.

His abuse got more blatant, not caring if he attacked me in front of his sister; he was pissed at her because she hadn’t taken his word over mine. I have given up trying to figure out what he plans were because the thought patterns of a psychopath, what they determine to be right or wrong or justified, will never compute to a normal person. I know he felt he was justified in doing whatever it took for him to get my truck. I know that whether I died or not made no difference to him as long as he was not suspected in my death.

When you are in the middle of it, the gas lighting, the lies, the manipulation, you are not thinking clearly; it is impossible! You think you are, you are caught up in the game of clue, figuring out what he is up to, catching him. You think you have one up on him when you catch him and prove you were right all along, he was lying. I see women go years , literally years, I did; caught up in the need to be right. The thing is, every time you prove you are right and he is doing what you suspected him of, he always denies it and makes you feel guilty, so you stay……… until you have proof.

You must, keep your head in reality, not succumb to the challenge of “fixing” him, proving you are right, being better than all the other women, and face the truth;

  • No, he does not love you, he is incapable of love

But how can you be sure he is a narcissist and it isn’t you?

Look around you, do you know of any other woman who tolerates this treatment from the man who is supposed to love her?

A normal loving relationship does not involve walking on eggshells, lying, belittling, a feeling of impending doom, being tortured emotionally by your partner, ever! a normal loving relationship is never an emotional roller coaster.

A person who loves you takes no pleasure in your pain and would never smirk when they realize they hurt you.

Those reptilian eyes that make you recoil and your gut twist in knots, are telling you all you need to know, this person is not normal or safe.

 

Dealing With A Narcissist Is Not Child’s Play

Many people compare dealing with a narcissist to dealing with a 3 year old and in many ways that is a totally accurate description.

toddlers rulesLike a 3 year old the narcissist will stomp his feet and yell that he hates you for not giving him his way and an hour or so later he is back like nothing happened. He will kick and scream to get what he wants only to not want it once he gets it. Or he will totally ignore a toy and toss it off to the side until someone else shows an interest in it and it immediately becomes his favorite toy or like a 3 year old he wants what everyone else has and will steal it if he has to and then act like he doesn’t understand why he is in trouble.

I found the 3’s to be way worse than the two’s! Give me a 2 year old anyday!!

The problem with a narcissist is; he is a three year old in an adult body and he will never turn 4. You are dealing with a full grown 200 lb adult with a 3 year old mentality, social skills of a child and the temper of a misbehaving toddler yet the strength of a full grown man. It’s hard enough to control a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum but when it is a full grown man, you could wind up dead. And most victims end up explaining over and over again why something the narcissist does is hurtful and expecting he will eventually understand and stop. Even a 3 year old will learn something if they are told enough times. The victim keeps thinking, “If I could only find a way of explaining it in a way he would understand, he would stop hurting me.” A person gets hooked on the notion that eventually he is going to “get” it and they want to be with him when he does, they certainly don’t want some other woman to reap the benefits of their hard work and pain.

tantrum

Living with a narcissist is much like playing a virtual reality game where you have to find clues and solve the puzzle, every time you do, you go up another level. Only with a narcissist even if you do solve the puzzle you end up going down a level every time until you are in a hole so deep you can’t see your way out. But like any game they can be addicting, like a gambler can’t walk away from the one arm bandit, or the teenager says, “Just let me do this one more level and I promise I will clean my room.” The victim of a narcissist keeps thinking either; if I can prove he is cheating on me, then I will leave. But they get the evidence and the narcissist denies it, they have the proof they wanted yet they still do’t leave because they want the narcissist to admit it and he never will. The narcissist professes his innocence with such conviction the victim doubts their own eyes and ears.

Even after leaving the narcissist victims will stay in touch because they are hooked on solving the puzzle, figuring out what he is doing now and with who. I know of one woman who knows what her husband is, knows he is cheating and yet she doesn’t leave and actually seems to enjoy the game of “catch me if you can”. I have explained to her she is feeding right into his plan and giving him supply so he can keep being his sweet self to the new woman and she keeps proving to him how much she still cares. She thinks she is catching him and being so tricky and smart when he is just playing her like a fiddle. One of my ex’s, ex’s was hooked on catching him 15 years after they split and he loved the attention. Her bizarre behavior validated his story that she was nuts and he fed her just enough information to keep her hooked. She called me and said, “He thinks I am so stupid, that I don’t know what he does but I always figured him out.” and I thought “you poor soul, you have spent 10 years with him, another 15 years catching him at whatever and wasted your life. It hadn’t slowed him down, it actually fed his ego but she had obsessed about him almost 1/2 her life and died a lonely alcoholic and when he told me she had died, he laughed. I vowed to never be like her. It was hard to break the addiction to figuring him out, I was solving puzzles to do with him for a good year after we split. Where did it get me, it gave me blog post material, but it didn’t change anything, and many times when I did solve the puzzle it was far more hurtful than I ever imagined.

The narcissist loves the game of clue, you may think he is lazy or careless to leave something out that makes you suspicious but you can bet he is leaving clues for you to find to create drama and to hurt you. He loves your pain, he loves rubbing your nose in his affairs, he especially loves two women fighting over him.

The victim can think of a million reason why they have to stay in contact with the N, all of them valid in their minds; (I know, I did it too) but if you are really honest with yourself deep down at the root of it is, even though you don’t want to take him back and know he is a narcissist you are not ready to give up one or all of these things;

  1. Solving the puzzle
  2. you don’t want another woman to reap the rewards of your efforts
  3. as long as he is in your life in some form or another, he is still in your life and you are comfortable in the position of victim
  4. you are not prepared to face reality and are clinging to the fantasy of who you thought he was or in other words Cognitive Dissonance

disonence

Below are some related older posts you might find helpful.

As hard as it is; there is only one option, only one way to ever find happiness and peace in your life, only one way to come back from the insanity and confusion you are feeling right now.

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/10/27/the-repercussions-of-playing-the-game-too-long/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/05/06/the-narcissist-game-its-your-move/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2015/09/23/finding-inner-peace-lessons-learned-from-humpty-dumpty/

Why It Is So Hard To Leave The Psychopath

I read a really great article on Lovefraud today, I think many people can benefit from it. I wish it would have been explained to me this clearly waaaaaay back then

Here is the link.

Ghomeshi Case Takes Unexpected Turn

 

ghomeshi and lawyer

I have been following the case of Jian Ghomeshi, a Canadian celebrity charged by numerous women for sexual assault happening years ago. When the case broke it was a huge step for the “breaking the silence” campaign, women were coming forward with allegations of physical abuse by Ghomeshi; to satisfy his fetish for violent sex and he was celebrity and powerful enough to intimidate many people into remaining silent. Everyone who knew him and worked with him describe him as being cocky, disrespectful of his colleagues and generally; he was a legend in his own mind.

You can read up on the players in the trial and more about the case here.

Ghomeshi was fired from his high paying radio announcer job and in a matter of days he watched his reputation and life crumble before his eyes. Women started coming out of the woodwork with allegations of sexual abuse dating back a decade or more. Ghomeshi’s guilt was never in doubt, 8 women could not be lying. Out of all the women only 3 were able to testify for various reasons, and of those women only one would reveal her identity; Lucy DeCoutere, best known for her role in the popular sitcom “Trailer Park Boys”.

The women all had a similar story,they met Ghomeshi, he was very personable, they went on a date, went back to his place and at that point he was physically abusive in some way, punching them in the head, strangling them, throwing them, forcing sex or oral sex on them and often times talking about his teddy bear, Big Ears Teddy who he would turn around so the teddy couldn’t see what he was doing. Afterwards he would act like nothing unusual happened and the women left.

Gimeshi admitted he like rough sex, the only thing he denied was the fact that the women did not give their consent to rough sex.

My heart sank when the court case started and his cracker jack lawyer brought evidence of communication from the women to Ghomeshi in the form of emails and one hand written letter wanting to see him again.

They ended up changing their testimony at the last minute, said they had forgotten they sent the emails; it didn’t look good and Ghomeshi’s lawyer ran with it. “If it was non consensual and if indeed you were so traumatized by it, why on earth would you actively seek his attention and want to see him again?” I am sure much of society is asking the same question; it is a logical question because it doesn’t make sense. Just like the question, “Why do they stay?” or “Why do I miss him so much when he treated me so bad?”

I don’t really understand it myself. I remember the first time James was abusive; he strangled me until I passed out. When I came to I remember the only thing I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me it was all a bad dream. I was sure he must feel awful. But he acted like nothing out of the ordinary happened. In fact when I went to him to talk about it and said, “James that was abuse.” he snorted and said, “It was not.”

I said, “James, how can you say that? You choked me until I passed out.”

He sighed and took his eyes off his computer to look at me with disdain, “I did not choke you. I had my hands on your throat.”

Me, “that is abuse James, you could have killed me!”

Him, “Don’t be ridiculous, I know exactly when to stop. Besides, a real man would have done it a lot sooner.”

I didn’t leave, I didn’t tell anyone, I decided to solve the problem, talk to him, figure out why he did it, fix him, fix us; and I decided to prove to him that I loved him and I protected him then and every time after that. The longer it went on the harder it was to tell anyone because how could I explain why I hadn’t said anything up until now, why I was still with him.

There is something that happens to the victim’s mind when they are violated; maybe it is a survival mechanism where the mind just does not accept what happened or maybe it is because the abuser acts like nothing happened and we are uncertain about what abuse actually is. Is it abuse if you are choked, punched in the head once, twice, thrown across the room? Did we deserve it? We must have done something to bring it on ourselves. It is ugly and we don’t want to deal with it so we try to make it right. It is called Cognitive Dissonance, where in order to deal with something that goes totally against our belief system, we alter the facts in our head to be something we can accept. We minimize the events, make excuses or come up with some other way of making it acceptable. You can read more about Cognitive Dissonance here.

The real problem with the court case and this unfortunate turn of events is Crown Counsel didn’t properly prepare their clients for court. For once the police and society in general believed the women and because of that they didn’t investigate the case in as much depth as they should have. No one thought to ask these women if there were emails out there or anything else they had forgotten about what happened after the incident. Ghomeshi hired one of the best and most expensive lawyers available, a woman.

Once again, it is proven that the judicial system is basically ignorant about abuse and the effects it has on the victim. We need a lot more education on how trauma affects the victim, what defines abuse, and that when people are dealing with insanity they don’t always act in a sane and rational way.

Ghomeshi also brought up the book 50 Shades of Grey, I have never read it myself but I have certainly heard the women gushing over the sex scenes. I have never liked the whole story line of the book and didn’t read it. It truly does blur the lines of acceptable consensual sex and abuse.

And once again the abuser sits calm, cool and collected, admitting to enough fault to appear honest yet never taking any blame and as much as I hate to say it, I think Ghomeshi is going to get away with it.

I just hope that this doesn’t send the message to other victims that it is not safe to speak out. We have to keep speaking out and educating people until abuse can no longer be excused away.

 

I Keep Praying For God To Give Me A Sign

god removes people

“I keep praying for God to give me a sign”, was a comment made by a woman on my Face Book. I was immediately transported 15 years back in time; ………I am in my garden, about a year into my relationship with James, with tears streaming down my cheeks, a glass of wine in one hand and my garden rake in the other, face to the sky, pleading for God to please give me a some sort of sign telling me what I should do. I don’t know what kind of sign I was expecting, writing in the sky? a bolt of lightening? a booming voice saying, “Run you fool run!!” God can only do so much and I wanted some sort of undeniable concrete evidence that I should leave or stay.

For 9 years I prayed for God to give me a sign. Looking back I can imagine God slapping his forehead in frustration wishing he could slap ME upside the head with a 2×4. As I was sounding like a broken record, crying, begging for a sign telling me what I should do; I can imagine God wanting to scream, “What more do you want?? You don’t want the truth so stop asking for it!”

It isn’t that God didn’t give me signs, tons of them, time after time after time………

  •  I had never snooped on a partner in my life but out of the blue I was hit by some force to check James’ barrack box. When I opened the box there was a notebook right on top. I opened the notebook at a random page that described how he had hit the young girl he had always told me left him for no reason. His words jumped out at me, “Just like all the rest, she wouldn’t shut up; so I hit her.” He went on to describe how when they got home he took the phone in the bedroom and called her family and friends and complained about her. How he was cold and uncaring and went to sleep leaving her crying, pregnant and alone. He left to do a run the next morning and called her 1/2 way through the next day to say, “I love you” and she had replied, “You woke me up to say that?” and hung up. She never answered the phone again and when he got home the apartment was empty and she was gone. Did I take it as a sign that I should also pack my bags and run? Oh no, I took it to mean I should prove to him I wasn’t going to leave him. I knew how much he loved me, how much her leaving had hurt him; after all he had told me, no woman had ever loved him like I did. He had thought he had loved before but I had shown him what true love was all about.
  • Or when time after time some bizarre “co-incidence” would reveal another one of his lies.
  • Or when, while looking for scrap paper I found proof he had forged my signature and altered my police statement.
  • Or when I accidentally ran into the guy who was on the way to the bank to get the money to buy a truck from James, MY truck.
  • Or how every time we split I did SO much better financially and everything I needed was miraculously given to me.

I could go on and on, after all it was 10 years of gas lighting, living with Jekyll and Hyde, “I love you today”, “I keep telling you my love is cycleable”, “I can’t live with your warped view of reality” “I can’t live with your dysfunctional way of thinking”, “Of course I am looking for other women, look what I live with.” “I wouldn’t look elsewhere if you trusted me”. How many times did he tell me it was over? how many times did I leave just to have him beg me back, making promises he never kept? How many personal ads did I find without even having to look for them? How many jobs did he lose because he was “falsely” accused of stealing? How many friends did he lose because he was “falsely” accused of stealing? How many times did we move to another town to get a “fresh start”?

Honor Thy Narcissistic Mother

How many signs did I need? I ignored the obvious signs that I was with one majorly fucked up psychopath and chose to interpret obscure “signs” to mean I should stay.

  • Like, every time we had a big fight he injured himself.
  • Or how every time we had a major fight or split up my truck broke down and I had to call James to rescue me.

And I interpreted it to mean God was showing us that we needed each other and should stay together.

  • I had 3 vehicles stolen in as many years and I found spare transfer and tax forms he had forged my signature on.
  • My brake line broke 3 times in 5 years, plus numerous other suspicious mechanical failures.

I totally pushed the thought out of my mind that he was responsible for it all, which would have proven without a shadow of a doubt that this guy was fricken nuts and dangerous!!

We all have free will and we all can choose to interpret answers to our prayers any way we want. When God answers prayers, he does not always give us the answer we want to hear. And if we are honest with ourselves, we don’t need God to give us answers; all we need to do is face the truth that keeps slapping us across the face.

Getting Retribution – Is It Worth It?

revenge

Every once in a while I reply to a comment that I think could benefit more than the person I am replying to. I am going to start sharing these replies in posts more often.

For a few months there is a woman who has been coming here who is hurting and very angry; she wants revenge, she is a woman scorned and she is hell bent on making him pay. Most people deal with the discard of a narcissist by rolling in the fetal position in a corner somewhere and hoping they die but there are others who get so fucking angry they can’t think of anything but making the narcissist pay for what he has done to them. The hatred and venom they spew is palatable and scary to the people who witness it. I know when one of James’s ex’s called spewing venom it actually repelled me and turned me against her. People are very uncomfortable with hatred that intense. And the truth is, it is not hatred, it is pain that the victim doesn’t know how to deal with. It doesn’t make them wrong, but it doesn’t make them any stronger than the woman curled in a ball in the corner. Whether you are spewing hatred and venom and trying to destroy him as retribution for him hurting you or whimpering in a corner or trying to figure out why he would hurt you like this, what did you do to deserve his hatred? you are only hurting yourself. Yes there is a period of analyzing the relationship, reliving the whole relationship in search of answers, trying to figure out WHY? but when you find out he is a narcissist and you fully absorb what he is and how damaged he is, then it is time to stop focusing on him and concentrate on YOU an your healing, time to concentrate on getting well again, learning how to be healthy again (or for the first time). In order to heal you HAVE to stop making him your focus and nurture your soul.

This is the one of the comments made by the woman, and please not she chooses to use her full real name when she posts and I am deleting her name from this post for her own safety and privacy. This is just one small comment made by her, but I think it shows why I responded the way I did. The whole conversation can be found in this post going back a few months

For me Julie … the same stuff with convincing the family how crazy I was/am. They all believe it too! I have therefore played that belief to my own advantage by leaving messages on his VM of how I am coming after him, my weapon of choice, how he best be watching his back because one day I will be there, how it will go down in a murder suicide fashion, how the family members will not be excluded … so yeah .. let them live in fear and maybe just maybe, Mr Cant do no wrong will be seen for the trouble making fool that met someone that was not only not afraid of him but just crazy enough to hurt them too !

plot revenge

My latest reply to her:

You don’t have to justify your actions to me; we are on the same team. When I say it could bite you in the ass, I say it from experience. I learned the hard way that there is no end to the depth these assholes will go to exact revenge or make you look like the psycho, ruin any chance you have of ever having a life after them. You will not always feel this way, the bitterness will leave you if you let it and I would hate to see you paying the price for it years down the road.

The way you talk it is as if you feel somehow you went through worse abuse, suffered more severe deception and gave up so much more than most of the other victims here. Believe me, 90% of victims of a narcissist have lost way more than you and invested as much and lost as much as you, were deceived as much as you.
But we don’t go around announcing to the world that we are going to kill the narc and his whole family. We do not announce to the world that we will simply plead temporary insanity, because THAT would prove premeditated murder.

I have been where you are, thinking I had “given him what he deserved” taught him that he couldn’t mess with me, that I was not the push over he thought I was; and I have paid the price for that for the last 4 years.
I too had realms of evidence of his infidelity, I had read his journals going back 6 years, I too could put all the puzzle pieces together and prove he was seeing 6 women and telling each one that they were the love of his life. He destroyed my business by sabotaging my truck, he tried to kill me by sabotaging my truck, he stole or destroyed everything of value I had. He attempted to destroy my reputation and I felt really cocky about the fact that I led such an exemplary life no one would believe his lies. I was right to a point, no one did believe his lies at first but as time went on I found myself working for someone who didn’t know me, who didn’t know how moral and upright I was and who was susceptible to my ex’s exceptional ability to play the victim. I never imagined having several heart attacks and ending up on welfare and him sabotaging me to the point of being cut off welfare. I never imagined he could be THAT cruel.

What did I do to him that was so bad? I simply refused to lay down and be a doormat any more. I don’t know how I could have done it any other way.
In a nutshell this is the story.

I was able to get cheap car insurance because I was accident free so we always insured the vehicles in my name. When we got back together in 2009 he was an owner/operator out of Alberta and had an Alberta drivers license. When you move to another province you have 30 days to change your driver’s license to the new province. When he moved to BC, unbeknownst to me he never changed his driver’s license to BC and continued to drive on his Alberta DL. I assumed he had gotten his BC license because he was working for a company in BC, living in BC and I assumed the company would have insisted he have a BC DL. It is illegal to drive on a license from another province after 30 days. He was a heavy duty mechanic and driving the semi’s for a BC company on his Alta license for over a year.
He had a buddy in Alberta who he was going to start a business with and was talking about us moving to Alberta for months before we split, then we split in late Nov 2010. He kept saying he was moving to Alberta in the spring. When we split I signed a transfer form putting the car into his name so he could insure it himself (why should I continue to insure his car if we were split) It was when the insurance needed to be renewed in December that I found out he didn’t have a BC DL. BUT again he took me for dinner, told me he loved me yada yada yada and he was moving to Alberta in a few months and asked me nicely to keep the car insured in my name until he left because he was getting a new truck when he got to Alberta and leaving me the car anyway. It made sense to me.

In January he told me he had to fly to Alberta to renew his driver’s license because it had expired in Sept on his birthday. He had been driving for 3 1/2 months without any license! I drove him to the airport and told myself that he was moving there in a couple of months so really what was the harm? and again he said I would be getting the car when he left.

Feb rolls around and the insurance needs to be renewed again and he is still in BC, he asks me to insure it one more time for 3 months, for sure he will be gone before that and I would be getting the car when he left. So I did.

He took me for dinner, told me he loved me etc and against my better judgement I had “hope” again, that is until the police called to ask me if I knew where my car was. They told me where it was parked and that they had seen it there many nights (I believe the husband of the married woman he was screwing found out about the affair and thought if I knew it would put an end to it and had someone call me saying they were the cops). I caught him at the woman’s house, he did break it off with her that day and that night he moved in with a different woman, the love of his life and took great pleasure in rubbing my nose in his happiness. She was wonderful, he didn’t have to lie to her, she was calm and rational, nothing like me; she was the love of his life and I should kill myself because no man would ever want a psycho, demanding, ungrateful bitch like me anyway. I had made his life hell for 10 years.

Well, I was indignant, he could just get his new woman to insure his car if I was such a bitch, why should I take the chance of him having an accident and it ruining MY good standing. He refused and laughed at me. He kept losing the transfer forms I kept signing. I threatened to report it stolen and he laughed at me. I tried to cancel the insurance on the car and couldn’t without the license plates. I tried to report it stolen and was told by the cops “possession is 9/10th of the law” and if I went and got the car I would be charged with theft. Then the insurance ran out and he was driving it without insurance, refusing to take it out of my name and still did not have a legal driver’s license in BC. He was obviously never moving to Alberta and if he had an accident in that car while it was in my name I would be liable, he had the power to destroy me. It went on for 6 months, my hands were tied and he was just laughing.

Well, I was not as stupid as he thought I was. I had taken photocopies of his Alberta DL and his BC DL months before we split, just in case and tucked it away.
I wrote a long letter to the insurance company of BC and one to the Alberta Driver’s services explaining that he was and had been living in BC for over 2 years and driving commercially in BC on an Alberta license (VERY illegal) I was able to provide the photo copies and I told them that I wanted my name off that car, that they were enabling him to continue to control and abuse me and it was totally unfair. If something was not done immediately I would begin legal proceeding against him and ICBC.

Take that James! I tried to be fair, I tried to be reasonable and he forced me to take drastic steps, I felt totally justified and I admit quite smug. I was not the push over he thought I was!!

Within a week Alberta had pulled his DL, he had to pay $20,000 in fines before he could get his BC driver’s license and he lost his job because he didn’t have a driver’s license. Not my problem, right? he is the one who broke the law, I gave him plenty of chances to do the right thing. No one told him it was me who ratted him out, he was told it was an anonymous tip, but he figured it was me.
Wouldn’t you know, his new sweetie paid his fines for him; some how I was the unreasonable vindictive bitch in the whole thing.

I thought it was over.

How naive I was!!

He has made it his mission in life to destroy every job I get, has made anonymous complaints against me to bosses, landlords, the people who held my mortgage. For almost 5 years he has done everything within his power to destroy any hope of me ever having a job or a place to live. Filed anonymous complaints with welfare so I can not even get that. He will not be happy until I am living under a bridge. He has put tracking devices on my vehicles, I have had a drone outside my window, tapped my phone, hacked my email, and the stress of it all brought on my heart condition.

I am SO over him, my broken heart is healed, I truly do not give a shit what he is doing, who he is doing, or what he did to me. I just want to get on with my life, but I live in constant fear of what he will do next. And he is smart, there is no way I can prove what he is doing, it is his word against mine and he has told everyone what a psycho vindictive bitch I am.

That is why I am advising you to stop advertising that you are going to “make him pay” and focus on getting well yourself. You will not win with a psychopath/narcissist and why would you want to? NO you can not just let him break the law, and you have to protect your best interest but you do not have to go for blood. You do not have to prove yourself to be a psycho bitch out to make him pay. He is loving the attention, you keep showing him how much he hurt you, how he had the power to get to you. If you truly want to make him “pay” the best way to do that is to take control of YOUR life and flourish! Succeed without him, without giving one shit who he is with or what he is doing. You are strong, amazing, and very able to be happy, successful and respected in the business world without his sorry ass. THAT is all you have to prove, let him hang himself, he will, without any help from you. In fact he is much more likely to show his true colors if he thinks you aren’t looking. As long as you are trying to “out him” he has to keep acting like the nice guy and playing the victim. You are enabling him to continue with his lies and false image.

I know you want revenge but believe me, it offers only a fleeting feeling of self satisfaction and redemption and then the hatred and heart ache creeps back in. There are people who cling to their pain like a life preserver, they want to stay a victim, a long as they are the victim they are still part of the narcissist’s life. The pain becomes who they are and they don’t know how to act or who they are without the pain. One of James’s ex’s went to her grave a sad, angry, bitter lonely victim hell bent on destroying every relationship he ever had. She called me and I had never heard anyone so full of hatred and vindictiveness. Even though we were split at the time and everything she said I knew to be true; I felt sorry for him. I thought if that was what he had to deal with it was no wonder he was the way he was. She actually pushed me into his arms and proved what he had always told me about her; that she was a vindictive drunk who made his life hell.

revnenge success

I am not against you, I am trying to help you. The bitterness will destroy you, not him; you will destroy yourself.