Valentine’s Day Post 3 Days Late

I honestly started this post in plenty of time to publish it before Valentine’s Day but my health has not been great this winter and there are times I don’t get off the couch all day because I can’t sit without severe pain in my back. So here it is, better late than never I suppose.

Some of you are obsessing about all the wonderfully romantic things you envision your ex doing for his new “soul mate”, others are still with the narcissist and have either been disappointed yet again because you didn’t get so much as a card or he didn’t even come home. Let’s face it, no one can ruin a special occasion like a narcissist!

Then there are those of you who feel they have wasted the best years of their life, that it is so unfair that he has moved on to a new love while you are still feeling so broken and wondering if you can ever trust again, ever love again.

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat,

  • He has NOT gone on to love again……… he never loved you, he has never loved anyone, not you, not the women before you and not the women who will come after you. He is incapable of love, he is only capable of acting like he is in love in order to hook his victims.

The second thing we need to discuss is the trust issue

You do not have to learn to trust men again, that really was not the problem. If you insist on making it the problem you will never be able to relax and enjoy a healthy relationship. As much as I do not believe in victim blaming there comes a point when we have to take responsibility for our own happiness. If we throw our hands in the air and say, “He lied to me! what could I do? what if the next man lies to me? ” we are forever at the mercy of every asshole that comes our way.

Sure there are tell tale signs of a narcissist but many women don’t seem to learn that a narcissist is always nice in the beginning, he always presents himself as your soul mate and always falls madly in love and can’t get enough of you, so they get involved with narcissist after narcissist, always lamenting the same thing;

“He was so into me, I was the best most perfect woman he had ever met, I didn’t chase him, I told him I had been hurt in the past and honesty was important to me and he lied!! How could he hurt me knowing I had been hurt in the past?”

Things you can do to avoid getting hurt by another narcissist.

Please note – no one is a narcissist magnet, narcissists are everywhere and everyone the narcissist meets is assessed on whether they are of some use or value to him/her. Narcissists do not confine their abuse to romantic partners, and because they morph into whatever the woman wants, they do not have a “type” they are attracted to. (I always felt special, that he would never find a woman more well suited to him, until he left his Plenty of Fish account open on my laptop and I read the profiles of the women he had on his “Favorites List”.  I couldn’t understand why he would pursue women he had nothing in common with. I now know why.)

When I first left my ex it seemed I was meeting narcissists at every corner, they were everywhere! For one thing you are super aware and sensitive in the beginning and you are one of the “walking wounded”, narcissists zero in on the wounded and will present themselves as your knight in shining armor; that is why it is best to not even think about dating for a couple of years. If the thought of not dating for a couple of years gives you a panic attack, for sure you should not be dating!! You have put far too much importance on being part of a couple.

  1. Stop doing things because you are afraid that if you don’t, he will find someone else. This includes sleeping with him too soon but also little compromises that tell him you don’t respect yourself so why should he.
  2. When you make the man that important to you, you immediately put yourself at a disadvantage and him in control of the relationship and your happiness.
  3. Stop viewing every guy you date in terms of “Is this the one?” So many women are so concerned with finding someone to love them that they totally ignore that the guy is nothing like a man they would be happy with long term. They immediately try to be the woman he wants instead of just being themselves and seeing if there is a true connection there.
  4. Stop falling into bed with the guy on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date; you may think you can handle casual sex but men and women are not made the same. There is a natural chemical reaction when a woman has sex, the act of having sex releases chemicals in the woman that cause her to become more forgiving, less cautious and more trusting. Men have sex and go to sleep, wake up and think, “I had sex” the woman wakes up and wonders if he will call her again, how to let him know she likes him without appearing too needy, and worries about being rejected. If you do fall into bed with him, don’t beat yourself up, realize you are going to feel more needy for a while and wait it out, take a step back and let yourself feel the feelings without acting on them.
  5. So how do we protect ourselves? Stop giving trust to people who haven’t earned it. We are so quick to trust and then wait to see if he gives us reason to not trust him. That is backwards, it is crazy to blindly trust someone we don’t know, hold back, let him prove he is trustworthy. “But I don’t want to get hurt.” You can not be hurt if you let things play out in their own time. You may be disappointed to find out he is not what he say he is but you will not be devastated because you had put all your trust in him and he abused it. To expect someone to earn your trust is not selfish, it is smart.
  6. When I started dating my ex I made the conscious decision that I was just going to have sex with him. (I didn’t know about the chemical thing back then and really, I was in my 40’s and a big girl, why couldn’t I have casual sex? He was so damn sexy! but I was not that into him other than that at first). I had never liked a guy who was too clingy or demanding of my time but I had been told by my mother, girlfriends, and some guys that I was too independent and didn’t give “nice guys” a chance, so when my ex started calling too many times a day I didn’t dump him like my stomach wanted me too.
    The first real date we had I met him at his place and he barely let me get through the door before he was taking my clothes off and leading me into the bedroom. I quite literally felt like walking out and told him so, in the past I would have walked out but I wanted to be nice. My gut kept telling me to just walk away from him, long before anything ever really went wrong or before he ever got strange.  We lived an hour apart and I didn’t want an “every night” relationship. In the past I hadn’t had an ‘in your back pocket” relationship, I had dated guys from out of town that I saw every weekend, or local guys who I saw on the weekends but week nights were reserved for my son, I worked full time, I had to get home to make supper, clean house, spend time with my kid and when my ex called every night and wanted me to go down to his place I would decline but he would pressure me, have some excuse why I needed to come “just this once”. and I allowed him to pressure me into seeing him.
    He was so into me, cried when he said he loved me, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
    But almost right from the first few dates I felt like pulling away and I allowed myself to be manipulated.
  7. In a normal relationship there are periods of adjustment, traits or habits that surface that may bother one or the other person. This is the getting to know each other stage, the time when you decide whether this is actually a person worth investing in. Let’s be realistic here, you can be extremely attracted to someone right from day one but we are ALL on our best behavior when we first meet someone, you are, I am, we all are; the narcissist is a totally different person! In a normal relationship you may eventually discover that you are just not a good match and go your separate ways. It may be the other person’s choice and you may get hurt feelings but you will survive and go on to love again. Not every one you love is going to love you back, that does not make them a narcissist!

The way to protect yourself is to remain in the here and now, believe your gut when it tells you something is not right, you don’t have to make a decision right away to commit to  him or to leave him, just keep your feet on the ground and don’t allow yourself to drift into fantasyland. He is not prince charming and you are not going to cure him with your magical love.

I did date a narcissist the first (and only) time I have dated since leaving my ex. I did what most victims of a narc do when they start to date again, I told the new guy how badly I had been hurt, how I wanted to take it slow, how I needed honesty, etc and he was SO understanding and thought I was so strong, he cooked me lovely dinners, he did wonderful things for me, he loved everything about me, I got a text every night from him saying good night and every morning I got a “have a great day, Babe.” text and my stomach was screaming to be careful. But I didn’t know if I was just being too sensitive, reading things into it that weren’t there, being paranoid, I enjoyed the attention but I was feeling pressured. I just kept a mental note of things that didn’t sit right with me and I kept my head in reality, took my time and guess what? It didn’t take long and one day I arrived unannounced at his place to find a woman there. I had suspected and was proven right. I handed her the key to his place and said, “You’ll be needing this.” and I walked out.

I did tell him what I thought of him a few days later and to be honest I shed a few tears. But it was only a few, and only for one day and I was over it. I had not invested in the relationship, not in a big way and it was so much easier to walk away, I was not shattered by it. In fact, the experience showed me that my gut instincts could be trusted and I was capable of detecting a narcissist and protecting myself and my heart.

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That Smirk, Those Eyes, Can Freeze The Blood In The Victim’s Veins

At first you don’t know what it is exactly that makes you uncomfortable. My ex wore glasses, tinted usually; so you couldn’t really see his eyes and I thought he was extremely handsome as long as he kept his glasses on. But when he had his glasses off I avoided looking at his eyes, they made me feel very uncomfortable, I was repelled by them. There was nothing warm and loving about them, they scared me. Thankfully, or maybe unfortunately, he didn’t go without his glasses often. He had a picture of himself from a few years before I met him, it was like looking at the devil himself; and it could freeze you in your tracks or make you recoil.

I only saw it maybe a dozen times at the most in 10 years and it was something I preferred to forget or pretend never happened. It would be easy to pretend I didn’t see what I saw because he could recover from it like nothing ever happened while I would still be trying to absorb what just happened. A person doesn’t want to believe evil exists so when he would come back like nothing ever happened it was a lot easier to pretend nothing happened than to try and figure out exactly what I was dealing with.

cartoon-evilevil

We have an idea of what “evil” looks like from movies, books, even fairy tales; we sure don’t expect evil to look exactly like the person we love with all our hearts. If we tell people about our experiences, the minute we mention that he has a “smirk” and there is something about his eyes that scares us; they shut down and start acting like we are crazy, change the subject or walk away. Everyone continues to remain their friend and we doubt what we saw. After all it is so ambiguous, it’s a “feeling” and a fleeting feeling at that.

During our 10 year relationship there were times I feared for my life and it was at those times I left him. It seemed he could only be normal for so long before things would start to unravel for him, he would slowly start acting more insane, become more violent and out of control. The minute we split up he would be the sweet, kind, soft hearted man I met, crying and professing his love for me and swearing I had misunderstood his intentions, was paranoid or he was only responding to my craziness.

Near the end he started acting really crazy and his sister was living with us so I had a witness, which made it easier to believe and harder to ignore.  Like one night I woke up at 3am and he was nowhere to be found so I went out to the barn to look for him and he was came towards me out of the shadows with something in each hand; a couple of dead chickens. I was speechless and just went back in the house. The next day I went looking around the farm and there was a pile of dead chickens near the barn. To this day I don’t know what that was about. Then another time I went out to look for him in the barn I called out for him and didn’t hear a sound, the lights were all out so I went to the far end to flip the light switch and that is when I saw the red ember of his cigarette across the barn. I flipped the light switch and he was standing there, leaning against the wall smoking. Totally freaked me out.

His abuse got more blatant, not caring if he attacked me in front of his sister; he was pissed at her because she hadn’t taken his word over mine. I have given up trying to figure out what he plans were because the thought patterns of a psychopath, what they determine to be right or wrong or justified, will never compute to a normal person. I know he felt he was justified in doing whatever it took for him to get my truck. I know that whether I died or not made no difference to him as long as he was not suspected in my death.

When you are in the middle of it, the gas lighting, the lies, the manipulation, you are not thinking clearly; it is impossible! You think you are, you are caught up in the game of clue, figuring out what he is up to, catching him. You think you have one up on him when you catch him and prove you were right all along, he was lying. I see women go years , literally years, I did; caught up in the need to be right. The thing is, every time you prove you are right and he is doing what you suspected him of, he always denies it and makes you feel guilty, so you stay……… until you have proof.

You must, keep your head in reality, not succumb to the challenge of “fixing” him, proving you are right, being better than all the other women, and face the truth;

  • No, he does not love you, he is incapable of love

But how can you be sure he is a narcissist and it isn’t you?

Look around you, do you know of any other woman who tolerates this treatment from the man who is supposed to love her?

A normal loving relationship does not involve walking on eggshells, lying, belittling, a feeling of impending doom, being tortured emotionally by your partner, ever! a normal loving relationship is never an emotional roller coaster.

A person who loves you takes no pleasure in your pain and would never smirk when they realize they hurt you.

Those reptilian eyes that make you recoil and your gut twist in knots, are telling you all you need to know, this person is not normal or safe.

 

I Know Everyone Is Sick Of Hearing His Name

I have debated doing a post about Trump because the net is inundated with election rhetoric, everywhere you go someone is spouting about him or Clinton, it seems everyone has an opinion.  Friendships are being destroyed and people are being unfriended and blocked on Facebook. People are rioting in the streets, crying and fearful.

Being Canadian I have never paid much attention to US politics or problems in the states, I just kinda thought they lived like we did north of the border. I wasn’t really aware of prejudice, police brutality, Black Lives Matter, and even though I have gay friends and had a gay brother in law that I loved dearly; I never really thought about gay rights. Even with domestic violence, I had very limited knowledge of the dynamics of abuse and I admit I had a pretty narrow and judgemental opinion on the topic.  As is the case with many people, unless it affects them directly, they don’t think too much about it; leading them to have erroneous judgements. Just as dangerous as a psychopath, is a person who has strong emotions about a topic they are uneducated about. Nothing infuriates me more than someone speaking with authority on a subject they know nothing about. Equally annoying, are the people who refuse to take a stand and turn a blind eye to what is happening, “Why can’t we all just get along?” “I don’t want to discuss it””Let me keep my head in the sand” They think they are safe by not taking a stand, staying neutral, (many victims have “friends” who “didn’t want to sides”), but many times by not taking a stand, they are taking a stand, because if you don’t stand up against violence, prejudice, bullying and racism your silence gives the perpetrator strength, silence equates to acceptance, you are saying it is ok.

Being a victim of abuse tends to (or it did me) make you so much more aware of any abuse, be it to dogs, seniors, child trafficking, LGB, police brutality or racism. After being a victim and having people turn their back, not help, not believe, and even join in the abuse; I can no longer keep my mouth shut and I don’t care who I offend while standing up for the rights of others.

There is nothing I can do as a Canadian citizen about an American election, except try to educate people about psychopaths and to be honest I really didn’t think he would get in, I don’t think many people did think he would get in. AND if the people of the USA would have used their vote productively he probably would not have gotten in but people either didn’t vote or threw their vote away by voting for someone not even in the running. Their apathy did as much damage as if they had voted for Trump.

I get it, that people thought Hillary was as bad if not worse than Trump, personally she is not at the top of my favorites list, but come on people, the FBI has investigated her about those damn emails as thoroughly as is humanly possible and found nothing, nothing that warranted charging her.

She was criticized for Bill’s actions, she couldn’t win for losing with some people. The woman’s husband had an affair that was dissected publicly worldwide and she chose to stay with him and keep the family together. I think the president of the country has a responsibility to act with integrity and honesty, he has a duty to keep his prick in his pants and because of association the First Lady has a responsibility to act with integrity which Hillary did, in my estimation. Why she had it thrown in her face NOW, how many years later, and have it turned into a flaw of hers, I do not understand. I sure the hell don’t envy her, she is a better woman than I, she somehow managed act with dignity when I am sure there were days she wanted to just run away. Anyone who has been the victim of domestic abuse knows the strength it takes to stay, let alone forge a public name for yourself. Imagine the hit her confidence took?

Then she was raked over the coal for defending a rapist, she was fresh out of law school and a public defender, she had no choice. I have often wondered how a defence lawyer lives with himself, but we have to have them.

I could barely contain myself when I saw a woman comment on someone’s facebook that Bill and Hillary prefer sex with women. I asked her how she knew this. She immediately copped an attitude and repeated the information with authority. And I have read articles that say Michelle Obama is really a man. My good God people, I suppose you used to read the Inquirer and believe it too! that is just so trailer trashy, red necky of you, really!

I love these people who spout off “facts” about things they know nothing about. Do they not know how foolish they look? Do they not know that a lie told enough times becomes “fact”? It is a favorite tactic of a narcissist, they tell a lie to someone they know will repeat it, often referred to as “Flying Monkey’s” and sit back and wait. Gossips love to spread dirt, “I know something you don’t know” One person tells 6 people, those 6 tell another 6, and now with the internet and social media, people are telling thousands of people in a few minutes. In a day or two it has been heard so many times by people that it must be true and it becomes a fact.

I am actually quite amazed at victims of a narcissist who jump on the “blame the new woman” bandwagon. I agree that there is never a good enough excuse for screwing another woman’s man; but as a victim, you should know from experience that the narcissist must have spun a fantastic web of lies.

But then we saw it with Trump and Clinton during the election, it’s no wonder victims of abuse around the world were being triggered into PTSD. I may not have researched Hillary extensively, I did go and verify plausible “facts” I heard, but I didn’t research Trump any deeper than Clinton. There was no need, my opinion of him was formed long before the elections, long before the women came forward with allegations of sexual abuse. I didn’t have to go looking for dirt on him, I didn’t check to see how many times he claimed bankruptcy and I didn’t have to see his income taxes; those things only served to verify what I already knew, that he is a narcissist/psychopath. A person had to look no further than to his own words and actions. I was amazed that he was not charged with inciting violence by offering to pay the lawyer fees of anyone who punched a protester, when he insinuated harm should come to Clinton.

I cried when I heard Trump won, not because I thought Clinton was that much better, but at least she has experience and if she was going to show signs of being a narcissist it would have come out long ago. I was upset because it is eye opening and fricken scary to witness first hand how people can easily be manipulated into a hate filled mob of racism and anger………no rage!

I won’t bother repeating all the horrific things he said about so many people, races and genders (and then denied it adamantly in typical narcissist fashion); I was dumb struck so many people were accepting of it, to the point of voting for him. I was under the naive belief that humanity had evolved past that redneck, uneducated, narrow point of view. It shook me to the core to realize that many people actually swallowed the poison. No doubt they could never understand why a woman stays with her abuser or how someone like Jim Jones could convince the people of Jonestown to drink the koolaid.

If I mentioned Trump was a psychopath people would snort as if I was exaggerating, over-reacting, after all, “guys will be guys”, “he didn’t mean it”, “after the election he will change”, But CLINTON, what about those emails!!?? I felt like bashing my head against a brick wall. As with all narcissists he was misunderstood, misquoted, set up, the mike didn’t work, Hillary was a “nasty woman”. He popularity would drop and he would go on his best behavior, tell the people what they want to hear and boom! the next day he’s got everyone back in his camp.

I didn’t judge Trump on hearsay, on pending charges, gossip or prejudices, I judged him on his own actions. Like I said to my ex one time when he accused me of making him look like an asshole by talking badly about him behind his back.

“If me telling the truth about the things you do makes you look like an asshole,

maybe you should stop acting like an asshole.”

I had a conversation the other night with someone who was saying the people wanted a change and we all have to sit back and wait to see what he does, after all he has advisors, he doesn’t really have any power, everything he does has to be passed by senate. Well, I listened to an expert talking about the damage Trump could do and really? who honestly thinks Trumps ego is going to let him take advice from anyone? I have heard people say his advisors will have to teach him how to act and monitor his behavior, omg……. does that sound familiar to anyone? Those of you who have thought you were special and you were going to teach the narc how to be a decent human being know how futile it is to try to teach a narcissist anything; he doesn’t want to have empathy or a conscience, he doesn’t want to care, he can’t care.

I realize it is totally out of anyone’s control and I hope he is investigated and watched closely; Trump getting in doesn’t bother me near as much as the realization that there are that many people out there who believe in him.

Did society learn nothing from Hitler? Hitler promised to make the country great again, he promoted violence, but I highly doubt people thought he was capable of the atrocities he committed. The thing with psychopaths, you never know how evil they can be until it is too late.

 

 

I Had To Share This Post From Chump Lady

Here is the post from Chump Lady

As I was reading it I couldn’t help thinking, “Come on lady! you don’t know when to tell him you are dumping his sorry ass? You are still there and willing to stay behind with the children while he goes off to live his life with God knows who?” But I am no one to talk.

When you are in the middle of this kind of shit show you are not thinking straight. It is so obvious to everyone else but your heart and your head are not connecting, you aren’t thinking straight, you are so accustomed to having your feelings ignored and being treated like you are the sick warped one; you can’t think clearly and protect yourself.

When my ex went to Sudan with a Christian Charity to do “missionary” work we were split but still “dating”. He had multiple personal ads from Russian Brides to Ashley Madison (btw I thought Ashley Madison was like Victoria Secret and had no idea it was a cheating site. Naive yes I know). I thought it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done and if he followed through and actually went I would give him another chance when he came back. I allowed him to stay with me until he left and his mother and I promised to contact each other when one of us heard from him because he was going to be so far from any kind of civilization communication was going to be difficult. I won’t go into the whole story because I wrote about it here. I warn you, it is a long post and was written in 2012 so I was not fully healed and still discovering the depth to my ex’s evilness.

After just rereading it I am amazed at what I put up with and what I lived with, all those years wasted worrying about whether he had personal ads, impregnated anyone, still communicating with some young woman in Sudan. I should have kicked his ass to the curb years prior to any of this crazy shit happening.

I hope the woman who wrote to Chump Lady takes her advice to heart but I have my doubts; she will want to be fair and honest and will tell him what she is planning in hopes he will finally realize she is serious and not want to lose her. He will lay some guilt trip on her and she will doubt herself and cling to the dream and hope, just happy that he told her a good enough lie that she could continue to lie to herself.

I am hoping this post will help some of you to realize how out of touch with reality the victim gets and you will truly understand why no contact is so vital to recovery and ever finding happiness.

 

Super Heroes and Narcissists

What do a Super Hero and a Narcissist have in common? 

They both hide their identity behind a mask and lead a double life,

They usually have a loyal side kick

They are both make believe

They both have super powers (well the narcissist likes to think he has super powers)

In any story involving a super hero; there is an equally evil villain and they both have super powers; the only difference between them is the super hero uses his `powers to do good and the villain uses his to do evil.

When you met the narcissist he was your super hero, and true to form for a super hero, he didn’t really exist. I used to follow a blog written by a young woman who called the new man in her life her superman. I remember seeing red flags throughout her posts and thought to myself, just wait; your superman is going to turn into the villain soon enough; and he did, as soon as she got pregnant. Guess who is a single mom, again, with teenagers and a baby, Superman is no where to be seen now.

So why is it so hard to tell the hero from the villain? How can good be so close to evil? Like they say, most genius’s are bordering on insanity, love is the closest thing to hate, a person can be so happy they cry, the most powerful emotions are so intense they can almost become their exact opposite. (This is just me trying to connect the dots, try to follow along, I am trying to make a point here, I may just be taking the scenic route getting there)

This is where it is going to get confusing because I am going to challenge your definition of empathy. Keep in mind this is just me throwing thoughts around.

First here is the Full Definition of empathy from Merriam/Webster Dictionary

  1. 1 :  the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it

  2. 2 :  the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner

I think everyone here has at some point been told they are an “Empath” as if it is a bad thing, and the reason they were targeted by the Narc. What we all gather from the information we consume is;

Victim = Empathy ………. Narcissist = Lack of Empathy and the combination of the two equates to, empathy/feelings are bad, it is the victims fault and the victim is flawed.

But this creates a quandary for the victim because they have witnessed the narc exhibit empathy, when they first started dating the victim felt as if the narc was able to pick up on her every emotion, he knew her better than she knew herself. Even once his true colored showed he was still able to do something so totally sensitive and romantic there is no way he “guessed” at it.

For example; nearing the end of the relationship when the good times were extremely rare and short lived I was stranded yet again (you guess it, my truck was broken down) no money for the bus, no cell phone and called my ex from a phone booth in tears. He was amazingly compassionate and said he had to take a run out of town to fix a semi that was broken down and he would pick me up so I could ride along. I was relieved and hopeful we might actually enjoy a long drive together but then I thought of Kato at home alone without supper until God knows when. I had to put the thought out of my head, he would survive, I had no options for getting home. My ex told me where to meet him and I went to wait. As per usual he was taking a long time and I was getting frustrated, when I heard a semi honk behind me. When I turned around, there was my ex crouching down with a big smile on his face and he was holding Kato between his legs. Kato’s tail was going a million miles an hour. I doubt I ever loved my ex more. He knew how important Kato was to me. The situation provided him with a golden opportunity to ruin my night worrying about Kato. If he was a true narcissist why would he do something so thoughtful? If he was lacking in empathy how would he even know how I felt?

There were a handful of times my ex came through with something so thoughtful, so insightful, so totally me, it was impossible to believe he didn’t love me. I had never known anyone who knew me so completely and never known anyone who had the power to destroy me so completely.

I think one requires the other in order to destroy someone, you have to know them intimately, every like, dislike, insecurity, what makes them happy, what makes them angry, every skeleton in their closet and every dream, hope, desire and you have to make them trust you so they will share their most embarrassing secrets and secret fears that they barely admit to themselves, let alone anyone else. People are not going to bare their soul to someone who doesn’t care and empathy is not something a person can fake, can they?

I have heard it called “cold empathy”, calling someone empathetic doesn’t necessarily guarantee they are a caring, good person with honorable intentions, so don’t be fooled by someone who seems to be able to pick up on your every emotion and know how to sooth your troubled soul because they just might use their power to bring you down.

I think we are all born with the super power to pick up on other people’s feelings, what separates us from the evil narcissist is how we use our super power.

We do exactly what the narcissist does when we meet someone, only we are not as focused as the narcissist because our life does not depend on it like it does for the narc. But when we meet a new romantic interest we want to learn everything about them and we make mental notes of his likes and dislikes, we compile all the information he feeds us in order to form a picture of this person we just met, we all, after all, are the sum total of our life experiences, right? We assume the person is telling us the truth about themselves and the narcissist is especially believable because he is smart enough to pepper his past with some unflattering details, we think he is so honest he can’t even lie about the errors he has made. We know that we tell stories of our past in such a way as to make ourselves sound better, no one meets a new person and relieves all their flaws right from the get go, that doesn’t even make sense, so the narcissist must be telling the truth; and he looks and sounds so sorry, we totally miss the fact that the way he put it, it really wasn’t his fault; if the other woman hadn’t done this or that he would not have been forced to act so against his true character and he always adds he is sure it would never happen with us because after all we are nothing like his ex’s, we are special.

Later we will use the information we collect during those romantic all night discussions with the narcissist; we will remember his favorite drink so we can have it waiting for him after work, we will remember his size so when we see that blue shirt that matches his eyes perfectly, we buy it, we remember the hurts of his past so as to not inadvertently cause him pain, and so we know how to bring him joy and make him feel special. (like he makes us feel) This is normal! We will even change our interests, if he is into something we have never done we are willing to give it a try for him, right? I had never liked watching hockey on TV but I dated a guy who was nuts about hockey and for a period of time I really enjoyed hockey and never missed a game. After we split I never watched hockey again. I have never changed my whole personality in order to hook a man because I see no point in that, eventually your true self comes out and you are with a guy you have nothing in common with and I learned decades ago to never think you can change a man and what you see is what you get, so if you don’t like what you see keep right on walking.

The narcissist is collecting information on you also, in the beginning, in order to hook you and later to use as a weapon against you. YOU are being totally honest and he has been totally lying to you, so most of the info you have is bogus and you shared the most intimate details of your life with him. You are instantly at a disadvantage.

With the narc is, what you see is NOT what you get, but I digress.

Back to the empathy thing.

I believe the narcissist has a “type” of empathy, in fact he might be more empathetic or intuitive than you or I; it is what he DOES with his empathy super power. This takes us back to the question; what is imperative if you want to destroy someone? The ability to know them better than they know themselves and get them to let their guard down. The fastest way to do that is through…….empathy.

So if the narcissist has empathy how can he go around hurting people all the time? Because what he is lacking is a conscience/guilt, in other words, he knows he is hurting you, he just doesn’t give a fuck. No I lie, he does give a fuck because he wants you to hurt, it makes him feel powerful and superior. He has the super power to bring you to your knees using the exact same skill you use to do good.

He abuses you, and your empathy makes up all kinds of possible scenarios for his behavior. When he doesn’t give a shit, you just substitute what you would be feeling if it was you. A narcissist has no idea how guilt feels, he never loses sleep over hurting someone, he losing sleep trying to devise a plot TO hurt someone.  The narcissist operates from his ego, he may get extremely jealous and suspicious when you are totally loyal and faithful, all the while be screwing around with half a dozen women himself. I tried to relate to my ex by saying things like, “How would you feel if you found out I had a personal ad?” I related back to him how he had told me how much it hurt to find out his ex had been cheating on him. (but now I believe it was probably a lie) He was always obsessed about whether his women were screwing around on him, all the while he was seeing 3-4 of us and telling us all that he loved us ad we were the only woman in his life. He knew how it felt to be jealous, he just didn’t care, it was more important to him to satisfy his needs and without a conscience there is nothing to stop him.

Why bother? Why go to all that work? Because a common criminal will just walk into a bank with a gun and demand the teller hand over the cash. It doesn’t make him a narcissist, it makes him a criminal. When a narcissist commits a crime he isn’t doing it for the money as much as he is doing it for the ego boost of sucking the victim in. There is a much bigger ego payout when you can suck the victim into playing a part in their own demise. Now THAT is powerful and provides visual proof of the narcissist’s superiority to the mere humans he must co-exist with. The whole time he is playing you like a concert violinist he is congratulating himself on how intelligent he is. And how stupid you are. Haven’t you ever noticed that this seemingly highly intelligent man can be so stupid as to leave his laptop open with his email account on the screen, or leave a phone number where you can find it, a hotel receipt in his pants pocket when he never does the laundry and knows you will find it.

He is getting frustrated because you are not picking up the clues fast enough, you aren’t playing the game of cat and mouse so he has to drop some clues to get you playing the game.

For a narcissist it is all about the game, manipulating people to do his dirty work, it is a complicated plot where a dozen different moves made by a handful of people results in him getting what he wants. He will take advantage of an easy target but he feeds off of the manipulation, the gas lighting, the total destruction of his target and ……….. getting them to help in their destruction. Oh glorious narcissistic supply!!

I have read that narcissists actually hate sex, they only use it to hook the victim. To take it a step further I believe that in the beginning the narcissist is aroused by the simple fact that they are sucking in the victim, knowing what they have in store for the victim and the victim innocently mistaking his ardor for love.

The longer the relationship goes on the narcissist is building up an immunity to the supply he gets from the victim and he must ramp up the abuse. The closer he gets to the final discard, the end goal of this whole performance, the curtain is about to drop, all his plotting, conniving and scheming is about to pay off. He gets excited about how devastated the victim is going to be, he can visualize it, he has it all planned, how he will reveal the fact that he doesn’t love her, how he has found the “love of his life”, it’s building to a crescendo, just like that moment just before you orgasm. He holds himself back, wanting to let his load go but he knows if he can wait the orgasm will be so much better. He doesn’t need sex, he is getting something better.

The thing with empathy is, no one can know exactly how another person feels because they only know what they have experienced; something that brings them to their knees might not have the same effect on someone else. We, as empathetic people assume other people are feeling what we would be feeling. Personally I can not tolerate anyone or thing suffering, get almost ill to my stomach and it seems to be getting worse the older I get. I was at the vets today to get Stella’s stitches out (for those of you who don’t follow my FaceBook, Stella was spayed last week, that in itself was more traumatic for me than her I am sure) they brought out a female lab X, co-incidentally named Stella; she was struggling to walk and could barely keep her head up, then I noticed one of her front legs was missing. I fought back the tears and almost had to leave, or go to the owner and hug her, I kept thinking how I would feel if I had to decide whether to have Stella’s leg removed in order to save her life and I felt I should be doing something to comfort the dog, the owner, myself. In an attempt to figure how I would handle it I asked how old the dog was and the receptionist tod me 9 yrs old. Not that I could afford to have the surgery done but if I could I doubt I would go for it, I think I would choose to have her made as comfortable as possible and put her to sleep instead of making her last few years painful and make her have to adjust to For one thing I could never afford the surgery but I also knew it would kill me to watch her suffer. Then I asked myself, “would it be more selfish to keep her alive or to let her die peacefully? Who would I be deciding for? Her or me? The owner of the other Stella was totally stoic, I imagined she was breaking down deep inside, maybe she wasn’t, she obviously loved her dog but I have no right to assume I know how she feels.

Empathetic people have to ask themselves; are they assigning emotions they would be feeling to other people who quite possibly aren’t feeling anything close to that. That is the only draw back of being an Empath, having compassion for others is a good thing, the world needs empaths, having empathy is a powerful skill; imagine the world without empaths; they are the activists, the one’s who change laws, save children, run dog rescue shelters, care for the elderly, risk life and limb fighting fires, they run food banks, they are the voice of reason, the peace keepers. Don’t let anyone tell you that having empathy is a bad thing, unless you use the super power for evil and not good.

Winners and Losers and Those Who Just Don’t Play By The Rules

I watched a video the other day about an 11 year old little boy with Cerebral Palsy who decided he was going to participate in the longest running race at school. There was no way he had a chance at winning and it was unlikely he would even be able to finish but when he started to lag and look like he was about to give up his gym coach ran out to him and said, “You aren’t thinking about giving up are you? then a girl from his class ran up and started shouting words of encouragement. Other kids saw her and joined in, eventually the whole school was cheering him on and he made it to the finish line.

He was the last across the finish line but in his mind and the minds of everyone who witnessed his run, he was a winner.

stand up

I feel sometimes like this blog is like that, when one of us starts to lag, feels like giving up; the others rally around and cheer them on. None of us knows even how far it is to the finish line, it can be hard to run a race when you can’t see the end and someone is putting obstacles in front of you trying to trip you up. But it is so nice to know there are people rooting for you out there in the big scary world. Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

I mentioned that it bothers me to think James might “win”, and it does cross my mind that in HIS mind if he can ruin my chances of a comfortable future, he will have won. Which only goes to show how sick he really is. The fact that he thought it was acceptable when he said that he was a “success” and wanted to help me be a success also; when all he had done was hook a widow with money, shows how out of touch with reality he is and how far off course his thought patterns are. How fucked up his priorities are and how low his standards are. No normal man would brag about being a success when he is living off of a woman.

unblanaced

I know that no matter what James has not, nor will he ever “win” over me; no matter what he thinks or what he values, he has lost. It is one thing to revel in the thought that a person loved you so much that they never got over you and lived with a broken heart until the day they died. I suppose some people would get some sort of sick ego boost out of that but to purposely try to destroy a person’s future is so far from normal or acceptable it boggles my mind that he would get any kind of thrill or self satisfaction from it.

I will never forget the look of pure glee on his face when he was talking about his ex who drank herself to death and how much she hated me. It was an Ah Ha moment where he revealed his true colors, when he said she hated me because we were so happy for 10 years. For one thing, why on earth would someone be happy about someone drinking themselves to death over them and for another thing he obviously was telling her something totally different than what was going on in our house, because according to him i made his life hell for 10 years. You can’t have it both ways; unless you are a narcissist. Because you fabricate reality to suit your needs at the time. he needed her to believe we were madly in love and happy, he needed me to feel like I made him miserable for 10 years and in order to “prove” to his new woman and his family that it was me making him the way he was. The way he looked at me when he said it, I could tell he didn’t see anything wrong with what he was saying and he was confused because I wasn’t laughing with him. He had thought I would be complimented or something and I just thought, “You sick son of a bitch”.

I didn’t play the rules like he thought I would, he didn’t think I would ever speak out, he didn’t think would be able to walk away, he didn’t think I would ever put up a fight and call “bullshit”, so he is pissed off. When I had to get rid of my F550, when he screwed it up and it had to be towed, he never counted on me calling his step dad to help me get it out. He had approached me with an offer from one of his friends, that they would pay the towing and storage charges on it and give me a few hundred bucks on top to buy a cheap car with. I know what he was planning. He was going to get a buddy to bail out my truck and he was going to take it. I told him hell would freeze over before a buddy of his got my truck. Then I traded it for the Chevy 1 ton and he saw me driving it, I didn’t see him but he called me, all he said was, “Nice truck”. He was pissed. Then I paid his step dad back $500 of the money I owed him. I took a picture of the Chevy, which had a box on the back and cut a slit in the top of the box and stuck 5 one hundred dollar bills in so they stuck out and framed it. I wrote on it that if not for his help I would have been dead in the water and thanked him very much for his help. I got another call from James, “Good one.” He was pissed.

Then when the Chevy broke down I got the little Ford truck and he passed me on the freeway and almost dumped his Harley trying to get a better look.

I know why he is pissed, because I refuse to roll over and play dead. He under estimated me, just because he wants me to act like the psycho bitch he says I am, I haven’t, I have stayed true to me and I have fought for what is right. It may be covert and maybe no one knows what he has done to me, but he knows and I know and……

I know with all certainty that when it comes to who is the winner between James and I; I win by a long shot, no matter if I die living in a card board box under a bridge somewhere; because there is nothing to be proud of when you purposely destroy someone else. Purposely hurting people doesn’t show how powerful you are, it doesn’t make you better, even if it makes you richer, you still lose. Lying to people about someone so as to ruin their reputation, slandering someone in order to take their kids away, turning family and friends against someone you used and abuse; may fool some of the people for a while but eventually the truth comes out. But even if the truth never comes out, that doesn’t make you a winner, it makes you the biggest, saddest loser of all. A narcissist thinks a lie is as good as the truth and as long as you have everyone fooled into thinking you are a great guy; it is the same as being a great guy. But they are wrong, and the really funny thing is, they are too stupid to realize it so they keep doing what they have always done.

I drove into Langley for my cousin’s daughter’s grad ceremony on Thursday night. On my way home my car started to vibrate especially at higher speeds. If I stayed on the freeway I was going to be home in less than 1/2 an hour but something told me I needed to get off at the next exit. So at the last minute I did. I just took my time getting home and it was after midnight when I finally walked through the door. I didn’t go any where yesterday and then today I went out to clean the car and check my tires. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I checked my driver’s side front tire, it was so close to blowing up it is a miracle I made it home that night. I don’t know why it didn’t, it is in shreds. If it would have blown going 110 km on the freeway I probably would not have survived it. Like my son said, the car would not have been as easy to handle as the truck was, it probably would have flipped. Another uncanny coincidence.

I never worry that James has changed because he keeps proving to me he hasn’t over and over again. I saw a card one time that said, “If you are living your life like there is no God, you had better hope you are right.”

The narcissist better be “praying” there is no God, because when the day of reckoning comes there is going to be hell to pay.

Try Being An Observer In Your Own Life

Just for a while, a day even, or longer if you really want to learn something about yourself, remove yourself from the action and look at yourself as an observer instead of a participant in your life.

What I mean is instead of reacting to the things going on in your life, just sit back and observe what is going on. If your ex N is trying to get a reaction from you, instead of going with your first reaction which will more than likely either be anger or hurt; don’t react. Remove yourself and observe what your body is telling you?, what is your mind telling you?, what is your gut telling you? Now listen to the narcissist from an intellectual stand point not an emotional one, look at him without the rose-colored glasses, without any self talk or excuses, just from the facts you have about him, not how your heart feels but by what your brain knows. You don’t have to do anything, ever, without taking the time to think about the decision you are making.

So many times the victim of the narcissist feels pressured to make hasty decisions, he wants you back and you are afraid that if you don’t say yes, he will walk out of your life. That is your heart, your fears, your insecurities talking; that is not intellectual, what your brain knows, or what your gut is telling you. Intellectually you should know that if this is true love and he is sincere, you taking a day or two to think about it; or a month or two for that matter, is not going to send him flying into another woman’s arms. If that is your fear and that is why you want to say yes; then you really have to figure out why you want to stay with a man you know does not love you enough to wait until you are sure of your decision. No normal human being is in love with one person one day and finds their soul mate the next. It/ Just/ Does/ Not/ Happen/

Take it farther than just the narcissist, be an observer in every aspect of your life. If you get pissed off at your kids, instead of immediately reacting, do nothing. Think about what you are feeling, are you angry or are you disappointed, or afraid? So many times a person’s “go-to” reaction to a situation is anger; but rarely is anger the emotion they are feeling. most times when a person reacts in anger they are hurt or fearful of something; if they take the time to analyze what they are feeling. To react in anger practically never has a positive outcome in any situation and if you are anything like me, after you fly off the handle and calm down, you feel guilty and apologize.

Not very productive and a total waste of emotional energy. By removing yourself from the situation figuratively and if need be physically (the more you do this the faster you can process your thoughts and won’t have to physically remove yourself, but if you feel you can not stay in the immediate vicinity of the other person, just say you need to take time to process what you are feeling and you will be back in say an hour.) I have taken days on occasion in the beginning.

Once you are alone with your thoughts get quiet and take a few deep breaths because you have to relax, at first you will be all pumped up with adrenaline because your fight or flight reflex kicked into high gear. It is really hard to walk away when someone hurts you or angers you, you want to defend yourself, attack back, respond! But that is part of what got you in so deep with the narcissist. Him pushing your buttons, you having a knee jerk reaction, him making you feel guilty, and he is still in control. See how that works?

What this exercise is doing is teaching you to identify exactly what you are feeling and then deciding on an appropriate response that you will not regret later. It is much easier to make a logical and rational decision if you are not in a state of heightened emotions. You have to learn to shut off your emotions for a minute, yes it can be done!! If a hot head like me can learn to control my temper so can you! and take deep breaths, clear your head and look at it as an observer.

Ask yourself:

– What am I feeling, fear? hurt? jealousy?
– Am I justified? (some times we aren’t)
– What can I do to feel better?
– What would make it ok for me?

See how you are in control of how you feel and making yourself feel better? Once you know what you are feeling and you know that those feelings are justified, you can identify what will make you feel better. i have found that many times I will be upset about something but when I take time to name what I am feeling, just the time away from the heat of the moment to clear my head and calm down, is all I needed, because my anger had nothing to do with the incident at hand but more to do with something else that happened that day, or it was triggered by some memory from the past.

If you can identify why you are feeling the way you are and express it like:
I am feeling very hurt because I asked you to be home for dinner and you weren’t and you didn’t call. (you are talking to your teenagers now 🙂 I feel disrespected because you didn’t feel you should call and let me know.

Do you see how that is so much more productive than screaming at them that they are inconsiderate slobs who never show you any respect and you are tired of working all day and coming home to a mess, cooking supper and they can’t even take the time to give you a call. Well they are grounded now!!

By getting in touch with what you are really feeling and discussing what you are feeling you are living true to yourself, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and giving the other person the opportunity to deal with the REAL issue and alter their behavior. Of course this does not work with the narcissist, but it does make all of your other relationships more pleasant and brings you much closer.

Let’s look at another scenario, you are have gone no contact and are doing very well but tonight you are fighting with the phone. You are ready to dial that number, you can’t stop yourself. Stop! step away and be an observer for a few minutes. What are you feeling? you are not allowed to say “I love him” “I miss him”, those are not complete answers. Ask yourself;

– What do I hope to accomplish by phoning him?

– What can I say I haven’t said a hundred times before?

– How often do you call and get off the phone feeling better?

– Is this phone call going to fix your problem?

– What will fix my problem? anything?

– What can I do to make myself feel better?

What you are doing when you do this, is learning to self sooth, realize that the other person can not fix you or make you feel better about yourself, only you can do that.

I think it was Eckert Tolle that said in order for a person to have a peaceful life they have to live true to themselves. Part of the control the narcissist has and part of the reason the victim has such a hard time breaking away is; the victim starts to compromise their core beliefs, they have allowed someone (the N) to cross boundaries and they are not at peace with themselves inside. In order to have true peace in your life you must have all areas of your life reflect your core beliefs and morals. I thought I could stay true to my core values turn a blind eye to the fact that James did not value my beliefs or live by them. But a person can’t, it eats away at them, at their self-worth, they don’t like themselves and soon they rely on the N for their self-worth because they are living in his value system not their own.

The narcissist knows that if he can get you to compromise your principles he is going to be able to break you.

Allowing the abuse to continue is one of the biggest boundaries you allowed him to cross, you need him to approve of you, love you, to justify breaking one of your core values.

When a person makes decisions rashly, in the heat of anger, fear or anxiety they rarely make wise choices or if they do make good choices they second guess them once they calm down; that is why it is so important to learn to name what you are truly feeling and make decisions from a calm centered place. The last thing you want to do is feel guilty because the narc will zero in on that guilt and manipulate you with it, sure as shooting. I know, I have been there!

That’s why it is never a good idea to try to beat the N at his own game, tit for tat never works with a narcissist because we feel guilty and he doesn’t. If your N was anything like James, the neighbors only ever heard your voice during fights, James would almost whisper his insults, I would try to walk away and he would have one more zinger to lay on me as I walked away. something like <“You know I am right, that’s why you walk away, you can’t face the truth.”

Invariably I would bite the bait and have to defend myself, my voice getting louder and higher pitched with every one of his attacks, until I sounded like the psycho bitch he told everyone I was and then I would hate myself for losing control. So what do you do when the narc just won’t leave you alone and keeps badgering you until you break? You leave the relationship is what you do. Because a loving partner would not bait you like that, a healthy person would respect your right to walk away and collect your thoughts, a loving partner would not be accusing you of things you are not doing. If this is going on in your relationship, it is toxic. Get out.

I have an interesting realization the other day, that kinda pertains to this sort of thing. I am sure you all remember they moved my boat back 2 slips because someone complained about Stella barking. Then my neighbor called me over and confessed it was his wife and that she works graveyard shift and that is why she had complained. He was very apologetic and I thanked him for his honesty. But he said something else that I didn’t may much attention to at the time.

He said “In all honesty, I don’t think it had much to do with the dog and more to do with you.”

I took it to mean that I had been more annoying trying to coax stella into the boat than stella. But now that my boat has been moved I have been paying more attention to what is going on around me. When I moved into the boat everyone was very welcoming and friendly, introduced themselves etc including the husband that talked to me about the complaint, but his wife never was friendly. I hardly ever saw her and if she did leave the boat when I was outside she never said hi or even looked at me. I assumed she was shy or just not a friendly person. Her husband always said hi or made small talk for a few minutes when we were both outside but if she walked up he immediately went in their boat.

But now that I am back two spots and the guy who was behind me is now in front of me I hear her chatting with him all the time, laughing etc. Then it dawned on me what her husband meant. She was jealous of me, afraid that her husband and I would be boinking while she is away working. Which is rather ridiculous, I know she doesn’t know me but it is a marina, we are all only a few feet away from each other, I am sure if there was any kind of hanky panky going on everyone would know about it.

But you see, she reacted to the situation instead of sitting back and thinking logically about it. I don’t know if she has reason to not trust him, but even if she does have just cause, moving my boat is not going to stop him. i am sure he has plenty of opportunity to cheat every day, she can’t be there to intercept every woman who might cross his path, she will drive herself crazy. The problem is not that there are other women in the world besides her, the problem is her husband can’t be faithful. She needs to decide, live with it or not. He is not going to change and she will drive herself crazy trying to prevent something that might or might not happen but is totally out of her control. She can not control what he does, she can voice her need for him to be monogamous, but it is totally up to him whether he respects that or not; then it is on her to decide whether she can live with it or not.

What she has done by over reacting and placing a false complaint against me is make everyone feel sorry for me because I thought it was James, she has made herself look insecure and paranoid to her husband and to me and anyone else who has figured it out, she more than likely is feeling guilty about what she did and perhaps a little foolish and it did no good!! she didn’t fix the problem, she is still jealous and he is still her husband and I am only two boats away.

When you live true to your values and express yourself honestly and are honest with yourself, you can’t help but live a more peaceful life.