Category Archives: Deception

The Happy Narcissist

https://www.bbc.com/news/education-50184281

The above article was shared with me by a good friend, Peter, who I originally met through the blog almost 8 years ago.

It’s serendipitous that he should send it at this time in my life as I am in another period of struggling to keep my head above water.

We are only a few days away from the 9 year anniversary of me leaving my ex. Up until a few days ago I was feeling very positive about my life and how far I have come in those 9 years, against some pretty formidable odds.

When I first met Peter I was living in a small holiday trailer lent to me by a so called friend who felt the favor should be paid back with sex whenever he wanted. The trailer was cold, tiny, and felt nothing like “home”. I was miserable, sick, and probably at my lowest point ever.

In the past 8 years I have bought and lost a cabin on a lake because I had another heart attack and my ex managed to get me fired, by making anonymous calls to my employer telling him lies, anonymous complaint calls to the strata counsel and tampering with my work truck.

I lost my furniture due to mice where I had it stored. I moved onto my brother’s boat which I fixed up and he sold. Then I moved to live with my son and 4 other people in a hellhole small town, who after 6 months got a job in another province and I ended up living in my car.

I buried my two dogs within months of each other.

I tried to get funding to re-educate and was denied 3 times. I fought for disability benefits for 3 years with my ex calling welfare making false allegations against me and getting me cut off of the $600/month I was getting to live on.

For 5 years my ex was in the back ground stirring up trouble, calling landlords, the police, hacking my laptop, spying on me with a drone, slashing my tires, anything he could think of to make my life hell, while he lived off of the avails of his new woman, bought a home with her money, paid off his debt with her money and started his own business with her money. In fact it wasn’t even money she herself earned, it was money from life insurance she received when her husband died. Her husband had ensured she would never have to struggle or work after he died. He must have been rolling over in his grave watching how his money was spent.

Anyway, back to the article and my friend’s impeccable timing.

Nine years after leaving my ex, with 3 heart attacks under my belt, years of struggling find the right doctors and meds, having a defibrillator implanted and having it save my life several times. Feeling like I was dying, being told I could drop dead any minute, wanting to die and feeling the defibrillator saving my life was a cruel joke.

Living in my car on a couple occassions for a month or two, sleeping in my mother’s carport and then her floor, living in the basement of a friend’s with no kitchen or privacy. Never, since I lost my house at the lake, did I feel “at home”. Every time I had to “go home” I would walk through the door and a little piece of my soul would die……… But.

I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel, not a huge bright light, but a small glimmer light, teasing me to keep going forward.

I got offered a part time job, gardening and cleaning at a golf course, working when I chose, when my health permitted. I finally got my disability benefits which doubled how much I get every month.

Then last year I managed to save enough to buy a water damaged 30′ rv trailer off of a bidding site for $1100. Over the course of the year I have put every spare dime into fixing it up. I gutted it, made my own couch, painted the whole thing, redid the bathroom, hand painted my own tiles for the back splash, hand sewed curtains.

Walking into my little trailer feeds my soul. It surrounds me, envelops me and loves me back, it says, “You can do this, you are a survivor.”

It isn’t much but it is mine and I didn’t realize exactly how much I need it until I was faced with the idea of giving it up. You see, try as I might I never did get all the leaks fixed, there are rotten boards in the ceiling and the roof is rotten at the back end. My son says a dump of snow could bring the roof crashing down.

I thought the easy solution was to build a roof over it. I got permission from the RV park manager to build a roof. My brother paid for supplies, my son came to build it. The neighbor complained and the owner of the park squashed my plans of a roof.

Long story short, my son knew of a 23′ trailer for sale, my brother bought it, even though I told them both I can’t live in that small a trailer. My son brought it to me yesterday and a piece of my soul broke at the thought of living in it. It’s a great little trailer, clean, but oh so tiny, no counter space, no closet space, and no chance of changing it without major renovations.

Moving into it would mean getting rid of the few things I have acquired, and yes I would be dry, safe and warm but my soul would die.

My son is mad at me, but I refuse to move into it. I will take my chances doing what I can to fix my roof and pray we don’t have too much snow this winter.

What does this have to do with the article?

A narcissist would not be going through this, he/she wouldn’t worry about their soul because they don’t have one. They live in a make believe world, it’s easy to be happy when you fabricate your whole life and never worry about hurting other people.

The narcissist has nothing he isn’t willing to give up if doing so will get him what he wants. Let me explain what I mean.

My ex and I lost so much, we lived in dumps, I would be distraught, worried, panicked and he seemed unfazed. His mother was amazed by his “adaptability”, his “resilience”.

He was in denial is what he was. I over heard him on the phone talking to someone describing where we were living. I thought to myself, are we even on the same planet? He was describing his great shop, the many project antique cars he was working on the beautiful home we lived in and the facts were, it was a rat infested, one room shack that didn’t have a bathroom or kitchen. The yard was over grown and had derelict cars every where.

It didn’t bother him and he didn’t strive for better because it didn’t matter as long as he could lie about it. The fantasy was as good as the truth as long as no one challenged his lies.

I used to think his guitars were important to him but he could pawn them, lose them, have them stolen and just move on. Eventually he’d find a way to buy more. He had vehicles I thought he really loved, but if need be he could give them up in a heart beat for money or to attain a goal. For instance; he had a really nice 1970 something or other. He sold it to replace the tranny in my truck (which he burned out to begin with). Then he tampered with my truck and wrecked the new tranny. I told his stepdad and he said, “That doesn’t even make sense. He wouldn’t do that, he’s invested so much into fixing your truck, why on earth would he purposely wreck it?

Because he didn’t like me having a nicer truck, doing better at the job he hadn’t done well at and systematically sabotaged my truck until I was out of money and couldn’t afford to fix it. I had managed to last a lot longer than he had anticipated. But in the end, when he revealed his hand, I thwarted his plan and he never got my truck.

It was in the repair shop with tow charges owing, he told me he had a buddy who would take it off my hands for the amount owing. Something like $900. I knew there was no “buddy” he had planned all along to get my $10,000 truck for nothing. I told him I would give the truck away to a stranger before any “buddy” got his hands on it and he could tell his “buddy” to go fuck himself.

Within a year he had an old Chevy pickup truck he was fixing up. The new woman no doubt financed that for him.

The narcissist will play the role of victim and cry for all he’s had taken from him if it will garner him sympathy or guilt someone into giving him something. But the tears are an act. Watch closely, he’ll have his face in his hands crying real tears but peaking through his fingers to see if everyone is falling for it.

The biggest mistake everyone makes when dealing with a narcissist is to assume they have feelings like a normal person. You would be much more accurate to think of them as a robot, programed to function in every day society. But robots have their limitations.

The Tools Of A Narcissist

Imagine if you will; you’ve been on your own for almost a year, or maybe it’s even been a couple of years; however long it’s been since you left the narcissist who feasted on your heart and you are finally whole.

You’ve done alot of hard work putting the pieces of your life together, you have found a new you under all the pain and confusion. You are feeling stronger and you’ve set new healthy boundaries, no man is ever going to have that control over you again.

You’ve been dating, nothing too serious and you doubt you will ever meet another man who will stir up the passion you had with the narcissist. But that’s ok because it was that passion that brought you to your knees and made you sacrifice everything.

Life is ok and you are ok with just ok. No passion, but no emotional roller coaster either.

Then, the phone rings. You check call display, it’s become a habit, he hasn’t called in months, a year? You used to count the hours, days, since you last talked to him but it’s been so long you’ve lost count. Your heart stops, it’s him. You stare at the phone, your mind races; you wonder why he’s calling now, what could he possibly say now, remember; “curiosity killed the cat”.

Oh but damn, it’s so hard to put that phone down and walk away. You’re stronger now, you just want to see what he has to say, you think this is your chance to tell him what you really think of him, you’re on to his games, he won’t be able to suck you back into his web of bullshit this time. You know what you are dealing with this time. And……you answer.

Hello?

Him in his soft, I couldn’t hurt a fly, soaked in honey voice,”Baby, I was afraid you wouldn’t answer. I don’t know if I should call or not, I just wanted to hear your voice. I need to know if you are ok.”

You, “You shouldn’t have called.”

Him, “Sorry. But it is really good to hear your voice.” he laughs nervously. “Are you doing ok?”

You’re forcing yourself to not smile. (He said it was good to hear your voice!! Heart get out of my throat) “I am doing good, no thanks to you! You really hurt me, left me with nothing but your shit and bills to clean up.”

Him in an even softer voice, “I know, and I am SO sorry. I will pay you back, that’s partly why I am calling. I’m finally making some decent money and you’re the first person I felt guilty about, I HAVE to try to make things right. I can’t live with myself knowing I hurt you……..I know I didn’t tell you enough, but you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

You are thrown off guard. He just admitted he did you wrong, he just basically apologized, he never admitted fault before! What’s going on?

He continues, “Look, I know you have every reason to not believe me and I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want to disrupt your life, I know I screwed it up and I have to live with my mistakes and the fact that it’s my fault I lost the only woman who ever really loved me and understood me, my soul mate. I just want the opportunity to at least pay you back.”

You, “I guess that would be ok. But I am seeing someone and have a new life now.”

Him, “I understand. You have found someone else. As long as you are happy, you deserve to be happy. I hope he treats you like the queen you are.”

You, “He’s a nice guy.”

Him, “Can I call you again?”

You, “I guess.”

Him with a sigh of relief, “Thank you Babe, that’s all I can ask of you. Thank you!”

You, “No biggie”. You are struggling to keep calm and sound indifferent but your mind is screaming, “What the hell is going on??!”

You, “Ok, well I should probably go.”

Him, “of course. I’m sorry to babble. I’ve missed you.”

You, “I used to miss you too.”

Him, “Babe?.”

You, “Yeah.”

Him, “There’s a song that always makes me think of you, Do You Drink About Me, just wanted you to know, it’s probably silly, forget I said anything. Sorry. I’ll let you go.” And in a barely audible whisper you think you hear him say, “I love you….”

*Click*

You, “Alexa? Play  Do You Drink About Me.

DON’T GO DOWN THAT RABBIT HOLE!!!

He has accomplished exactly what he set out to do. 

1. Get you thinking about him, wondering why he called now, what does he want, did he really say “I love you”, is he really sorry, has he changed??!!

2. Make you doubt yourself. 

3. Remind you that it wasn’t all bad.

4. Remind you of the passion and connection you had in the beginning.

5. Open the door, even a crack so he can slither back into your life.

And slither he will, just like the snake that he is. Once he is back in your life it won’t take long before you will be right back where you were. 

He’ll leave you alone for a few days, maybe send a text saying how good it was to hear your voice.

Then the next day, another text. “Have you listened to our song yet? I just heard it and thought of you.” (Notice now it is our song)

That night, “Still drinking of you. Goodnight Babe. Sweet dreams. I’ll be dreaming of you.”

Oh you would have to be a hard hearted Hannah to not start to weaken.

This is why No Contact is so vitally important. 

My next post. What To Do When The Narcissist Says All The Right Things.

 

Relationship Goals

 

http://www.iheartradio.ca/news/watch-bradley-cooper-lady-gaga-sing-shallow-in-vegas-1.8696604

If you haven’t seen the new “A Star Is Born”, you really need to. Once you do, you will join the millions of women around the world who want a love like Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga.

Come on, don’t deny it, even if you know it isn’t reality, there is this part of you that secretly wants that kind of passion, a love that can’t be denied, a love so strong, you forgive and forget over and over again.

Almost every victim of a narcissist will tell you that the narcissist is the love of their life, they are soul mates, and a love like that doesn’t come along everyday, you don’t just walk away from that kind of love. Anyone who tells you to be”just walk away and go no contact” doesn’t understand the intense love you have for each other. You will never find another love like this.

I have heard from hundreds of women; it was the most romantic, intense, whirlwind relationship they’ve ever had. They felt like they were in a romance movie. I remember thinking, “I thought this kind of love only happened in the movies”. A person doesn’t just walk away, from that feeling. The victim is in love with loving that person.

A narcissist is an academy award winning actor. It is no accident that you feel you are in a Oscar winning movie, some of the lines the narcissist fed you probably came straight from some movie, word for word.

A narcissist doesn’t have any true feelings, they study and imitate other people. Right now narcissists every where are watching women swoon over Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga, the way they stare into each other’s eyes, the intensity, the forbidden love they can’t deny, and they are probably practicing in front of a mirror.

When you meet the narcissist you feel like you have met your Bradley Cooper.

Even if at first you don’t really like him that much, it is a hard hearted Hannah who can walk away from a man who looks at them that way, who thinks you are the sexiest woman he has ever met, who’s touch sends electrical shocks through your body.

Since we were little girls we’ve been read stories about the prince who rides in and carries us away to live happily ever after, we’ve watched movies like Pretty Woman, Officer and A Gentleman, A Star Is Born, Dirty Dancing, to name just a few; and we dream of someday finding that kind of love.

When I met my ex the intensity made me pull away at first, I didn’t believe anyone fell in love that quickly. I struggled with feelings of wanting to run in the opposite direction because I hate love sick puppies and telling myself it’s ok if a man loves you more than you love him. For once in your life let a man take care of you, don’t be so damned independent, let your guard down and enjoy the moment.

When, after making love for the 3rd time that day; my ex stared into my eyes, pulled me close and held me like his life line; and with tears spilling onto his cheeks whispered, “I think I’ve fallen in love with you”. My heart filled with love for him and I thought to myself, “You have to be very careful to not hurt him”.

A year later I was thinking, “I don’t care if he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, as long as I can have him in my life, I will be happy.”

It’s what makes strong, self sufficient, intelligent women weak in the knees, willing to forgive the unforgivable and do seemingly stupid things.

It’s not that they can’t walk away, they don’t want to walk away. It’s the one thing they can’t do for themselves, they don’t need a man to provide for them, slay dragons for them, buy them a castle, or fix anything for them; they can do all that! But, to be loved just the way you are, to have a man look into your soul and love you like neither of you have ever loved before, or will again. To find your soul mate, find passion, is something a person can’t buy or fake, (or so we think).

I admit, even after experiencing my fairytale romance shattering into pieces; I still look at Bradley Cooper’s eyes when he looks at Lady Gaga, and I desperately want to believe.

And that is why, ladies and gentlemen; women stay.

There were times when my ex seemed genuinely baffled I was angry about catching him in a lie. He was giving me the fantasy, he was saying all the right things, why was I not happy? He didn’t understand why it mattered what he did with other women in other towns as long as he pretended to be faithful to me. As long as he called me every night,professed his love, told me how much he missed me and was going to bed early and alone; what did it matter if he was with another woman professing his love for her? To him, feelings were an obscure concept. How can you understand feelings if you are unable to feel?

But for the victim, the idea that someone could fake such intensity is impossible. But think about it, crying at the movies, if actors can make you believe, so can a narcissist.

Bradley and Gaga made a love movie, they acted in love and we fell for it. We want to believe.