Category Archives: Dishonesty

How dishonesty affects others

The Narcissist and Addiction

signs-of-cheating-husband

I had a question on the 3 Phases of a Relationship with a Narcissist post asking if narcissists are known to have addiction issues, the person said their partner is an alcoholic and sex addict.

Almost all narcissists have an addiction of some sort and sex is the most common.

Why?

There are several reasons.

1.  Narcissists hate rules. Telling a narcissist not to do something is almost certain to guarantee he will go straight out and do exactly what he has been told not to do. Narcissists are known for breaking rules, societal and marital, cheat on tests, etc and often times operate on the fringes of the law. As children, they are the child that is always disobeying the simplest of family rules. As teens, they are often times in trouble with the police, don’t abide by curfews, disruptive at school, they are always pushing the envelop.

2. Often times they are adrenalin junkies and from an early age will engage in dangerous activities such as speeding, have a fascination with fire, hurt their siblings or family pets, it seems everything is done to the extreme. * Warning narcissists seem to think they are invincible, superior to mere humans and seldom practice safe sex, so if you are with a narcissist please get tested for STD’s. Many women have come in here with some sexually transmitted disease.

3. They have no boundaries, they don’t respect the boundaries of others and have none of their own. The only time they respect boundaries is if it is in their best interest, I remember telling my mother in law that the neighbours were upset because my ex would stay up all night working in his shop keeping everyone awake. Her reply was, “They are just going to have to accept that’s just the way he is.” I said, “When does he have to accept that people DON’T have to accept him just the way he is?”

4. Narcissist’s brains are wired differently than a normal person’s brain; not only are they unable to feel empathy or guilt, all their feelings are numbed. They are on a constant quest to feel.

5. They need instant gratification, combine their “what ever feels good, do it” attitude with a lack of conscience or guilt and the world is their oyster (or so they think), being faithful to one person is not very likely, if not totally impossible.

6. Narcissists are pathological liars, they lie even when they don’t have to just because they love pulling the wool over someone’s eyes. It’s fun, a game of strategy, and the victim hasn’t a clue they are playing a dangerous game with a mad man.

7. Contrary to how it may look, a narcissist actually hates intimacy. Many victims of a narcissist will tell you that in the beginning the narc was insatiable sexually and was the most attentive lover they have ever had but with time the love making became robotic, lacking any attention to the victims pleasure. If you are with him long enough eventually the sex is practically non-existent unless he is trying to win the partner back.

He is on a high in the beginning, like a drug he is getting off on winning you over, it reaffirms to him that he is irresistible, sexy, and “all that”. He knows he is lying and the simple fact that you don’t, is enough to keep him on his NS high. BUT once he has you the thrill is gone. He has the woman, now what? Because his feelings are so under developed, once the thrill of winning over the target ends, he feels dead inside.

In an ideal romantic relationship the initial infatuation ends and the couple transitions into a more relaxed, realistic  and comfortable relationship. This is when true love grows,  but like a switch going off he is acting like he brought you home from the bar for a one night stand and you are too stupid to know it’s time to go home. It was a horribly confusing time, how had I misread the cues so badly? He asked me to move in, didn’t he? All of a sudden he doesn’t want to do anything together and spends all his time on the internet or at work or his shop. He never wants to talk about anything and if you do talk it ends up in a fight. What happened?

8. Because he is unable to truly love he has no idea how to keep love alive. He is a lie, his whole life is a lie, when it comes to living together day to day he has nothing to give and that is when the discard usually starts. Getting married, moving in together, having a baby, whatever signifies to the narcissist that the target is fully committed. The thrill was sucking the victim in, so the narcissist must create chaos, drama, trauma and suspicion in order to keep the victim on tender hooks.

My ex used to spend hours staring into a fire or working in his shop, anything but spend time with me, he didn’t even come to bed. I used to ask him what he was thinking about and he would say, “Nothing”, of course I didn’t believe him, but now I really think he was thinking about nothing. You see, in order to get by in the world the narcissist has memorized appropriate responses to certain events, he has practiced and perfected certain emotions and he has learned how to mimic someone in love but he has no idea how to grow love, reciprocate healthy love. He only knows the script he has learned, and that is; how to suck a victim in. He watches love movies and gives women their Hollywood romance, but love movies always end with the happy couple going off into the sunset, very seldom do we see the mundane day to day life they live as a married couple. If there is anything a narcissist hates it is being bored.

It may start slow, with personal ads, where he hooks a lot of women, lies about his situation and is satisfied with just leading on a bunch of women he has no intention of meeting. For awhile that will give him the adrenalin rush he needs but like a junkie he builds a tolerance for the high and the victim becomes complacent, so he has to up his game, eventually he WILL cheat and often times have several women going at the same time.

Let me ask you something.

Did you ever find yourself thinking the N in your life was pretty careless, leaving some evidence of his infidelity out where you could find it, forgetting to sign out of his dating app, or dropping a letter to another woman, …… Of course he denied it adamantly and somehow turned the tables on you, accused you of spying on him, being paranoid or whatever.

9. They love the game of cat and mouse, they want to get caught, your pain is proof of his control over you. If I didn’t pick up on his cheating right away he would leave some evidence out for me to “find”.  If you dump him and he convinces you to go back to him, again; it is a source of narcissistic supply for him. He has you right where he wants you, no matter what he does, you will take him back. In his mind you deserve to be hurt for being so gullible to believe his lies.  Once he has you again the honeymoon is shorter and the abuse is worse. As my ex told me, “Whenever you took me back I thought to myself, “Well, I got away with that, what else can I get away with?” “It’s kinda your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back.”

Why get married then? For one thing it is a lot of work keeping that mask on plus he can not handle rejection and needs a constant source of narcissistic supply. That is what the wife is for, she is to be sitting at home waiting for him while he is off getting his strokes from other women. He rarely has only one woman in his life, he loves the drama of triangulation, like I said he lives for drama and conflict.

He also finds it most rewarding to steal some other man’s wife, if he can break up a marriage it is proof of his superiority. The narcissist wants every woman, and man for that matter to want him, he will woo the wife and destroy the marriage of his best friend just to say he can and then blame the woman and probably convince his buddy that he was the victim. My ex was having an affair with the older married neighbor lady in small town Saskatchewan when he was 12 yrs old. He has had 4 affairs with married women that I know of and broke up several dating type relationships.

Is it an addiction? more a compulsion or insatiable need, addiction carries the connotation that it can be overcome or fixed, a narcissist can not ever be fixed.

 

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I’m Rubber, You Are Glue

trump-glue

Remember back in grade school some smart ass kid that made your life hell and when you told him what you thought of him, he would sing, “I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” or another favorite was, “I know you are but what am I?”

As a young child you would get angry, perhaps cry,maybe even hit the other child and defend yourself. But no matter what you said nothing fazed the kid, he always had a come back, laugh, and when you tried the same lines, they just didn’t work for you, his words still hurt.

Fortunately most kids grow up and develop empathy and communication skills. We certainly aren’t expecting to have to deal with that kind of childish taunting as an adult but we found ourselves feeling just like we did as a child in the playground, frustrated, helpless to defend ourselves, crying, with our tormentor laughing at us, taunting us.

If you are still with the narcissist you probably haven’t figured out that; trying to reason with a narcissist, defending ourselves, or trying to make a narcissist admit any fault in the relationship is futile and will result in it bouncing off him and sticking to you. You accuse him of cheating, eventually he will accuse you, tell him he is a narcissist and he will research it and accuse you of all the traits of a narcissist; you may not believe it now because you are still thinking he/she is a normal person and eventually you will get through to them.

Trust me that you are not thinking clearly right now. This kind of gaslighting will drive the most sane person crazy. I can’t say I blame you because there is no way anyone could have convinced me he would turn against me the way my ex did. Deep down, through it all I truly felt there was a deep love for me buried inside him that he was terrified to admit or at the very least he had a conscience and could never lie about me so blatantly. I admit I felt superior to him because I was faithful and honest; he was the one screwing up the relationship, there was no way I could be blamed for the relationship failing.

Then came the day when he told me he’d had enough and it was over.

I said, “YOU’VE had enough??? enough what?”

He looked at me with disgust and said, “This”

I was furious, “You’ve had enough of this????? I have been faithful, I have been honest, you are the one who screwed around, you are the one who didn’t come home at night, who lied…….not me!”

He looked at me over his glasses and sneered when he asked, “And what did you do????”

Looking him right in the eyes, I was indignant, “I stayed.”

He spit out “Exactly” before he went back to reading his magazine and I stood there trying to absorb the enormity of three words. “I stayed” and “Exactly“.

It took a few months before I finally moved out, even though my ex said, “I don’t want you to be homeless so you can stay.” For whatever reason my biggest fear had always been being homeless and of course he knew that but I also knew that if I stayed it would be the death of me.

I had suspected he was cutting me down to his work mates but I had always conducted myself with class, honesty, hard work and wasn’t concerned with what he told his buddies. What I had not counted on and sadly underestimated was his vindictiveness and his ability to lie straight faced and be believed. He knew that all he had to do was put doubt into people’s minds, make a few anonymous phone calls, and act like an unwilling victim. It made me sick how he could play the victim, I had seen him do it with me about other people and now I knew he was doing it about me.

It took me a painfully long time to figure out that any one who decided they were going to “remain neutral” was not a friend of mine. I had never had a relationship where friends had to choose, I had never had a relationship end where I couldn’t remain friendly with my ex and I didn’t want to appear unkind or vindictive but I was constantly being put in the position of defending myself. What worked against me was the fact that I had remained loyal to him and not told people what was going on behind closed doors so when I defended myself to his accusations it all sounded like sour grapes. He had already told everyone I was a liar and crazy and I had stayed for 10 years and not said a word, so of course no one believed me. If it was that bad why did I stay, why didn’t I complain to anyone about him? call the police, go back time after time?

I kept thinking, he stole my identity! he had totally reversed roles and taken mine! He even used my own lines on me! Lines like:

“I can’t just shut off my feelings after we have a fight an pretend nothing happened.”

“Try putting yourself in the new girlfriend’s position, how would you like it if I was seeing an ex girlfriend?”

“She kept saying no one would love me like she did.”

“I am afraid of what you are going to do next.”

“She is trying to ruin my life, get me fired, destroy me.”

“She keeps trying to cause trouble in my life, destroying property, stealing from me etc”

It was infuriating to be accused of exactly what he was doing to me! but I knew the more I denied it the guiltier I looked. It was like entering the twilight zone. I had a couple of “friends” who insisted on telling me how happy he was with his new woman and all the things he was saying about me and what I was doing. It didn’t matter that I told them I didn’t want to hear it, they wanted to hear my explanation or defense against what he was saying, and I did play the game for awhile, until I realized that I didn’t need a friend who doubted my character and would listen to the shit my ex was spreading. I knew he was using them as a pawn to hurt me and to destroy my good reputation. Something I learned from being with my ex is; if a lie is told enough times to the right people, it becomes a fact in people’s minds. It’s a rather interesting phenomenon witnessed during the Trump campaign

That is when I decided the only thing I could control was how I conducted my life, I couldn’t anticipate what he would do next, I could only live honestly and true to my morals and principles AND cut all toxic  people from my life and keep trying to be the best version of me I can be.

When I started looking for answers about 2 years into the relationship there wasn’t a lot of information out there. In fact 6 years ago when I started the blog there still wasn’t much information out there, I did a lot of research and from sharing my own experiences and listening to the stories of thousands of women and men, I consider myself to be a bit of a layman expert and I will continue to spread the word about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, or whatever label you want to give these soul sucking vampires. I am here to tell you that any attempt to make the narcissist admit his mistreatment of you or feel any morsel of guilt or remorse, is not going to happen. In fact, anything you say will bounce off him and stick to you.

 

 

I Know Everyone Is Sick Of Hearing His Name

I have debated doing a post about Trump because the net is inundated with election rhetoric, everywhere you go someone is spouting about him or Clinton, it seems everyone has an opinion.  Friendships are being destroyed and people are being unfriended and blocked on Facebook. People are rioting in the streets, crying and fearful.

Being Canadian I have never paid much attention to US politics or problems in the states, I just kinda thought they lived like we did north of the border. I wasn’t really aware of prejudice, police brutality, Black Lives Matter, and even though I have gay friends and had a gay brother in law that I loved dearly; I never really thought about gay rights. Even with domestic violence, I had very limited knowledge of the dynamics of abuse and I admit I had a pretty narrow and judgemental opinion on the topic.  As is the case with many people, unless it affects them directly, they don’t think too much about it; leading them to have erroneous judgements. Just as dangerous as a psychopath, is a person who has strong emotions about a topic they are uneducated about. Nothing infuriates me more than someone speaking with authority on a subject they know nothing about. Equally annoying, are the people who refuse to take a stand and turn a blind eye to what is happening, “Why can’t we all just get along?” “I don’t want to discuss it””Let me keep my head in the sand” They think they are safe by not taking a stand, staying neutral, (many victims have “friends” who “didn’t want to sides”), but many times by not taking a stand, they are taking a stand, because if you don’t stand up against violence, prejudice, bullying and racism your silence gives the perpetrator strength, silence equates to acceptance, you are saying it is ok.

Being a victim of abuse tends to (or it did me) make you so much more aware of any abuse, be it to dogs, seniors, child trafficking, LGB, police brutality or racism. After being a victim and having people turn their back, not help, not believe, and even join in the abuse; I can no longer keep my mouth shut and I don’t care who I offend while standing up for the rights of others.

There is nothing I can do as a Canadian citizen about an American election, except try to educate people about psychopaths and to be honest I really didn’t think he would get in, I don’t think many people did think he would get in. AND if the people of the USA would have used their vote productively he probably would not have gotten in but people either didn’t vote or threw their vote away by voting for someone not even in the running. Their apathy did as much damage as if they had voted for Trump.

I get it, that people thought Hillary was as bad if not worse than Trump, personally she is not at the top of my favorites list, but come on people, the FBI has investigated her about those damn emails as thoroughly as is humanly possible and found nothing, nothing that warranted charging her.

She was criticized for Bill’s actions, she couldn’t win for losing with some people. The woman’s husband had an affair that was dissected publicly worldwide and she chose to stay with him and keep the family together. I think the president of the country has a responsibility to act with integrity and honesty, he has a duty to keep his prick in his pants and because of association the First Lady has a responsibility to act with integrity which Hillary did, in my estimation. Why she had it thrown in her face NOW, how many years later, and have it turned into a flaw of hers, I do not understand. I sure the hell don’t envy her, she is a better woman than I, she somehow managed act with dignity when I am sure there were days she wanted to just run away. Anyone who has been the victim of domestic abuse knows the strength it takes to stay, let alone forge a public name for yourself. Imagine the hit her confidence took?

Then she was raked over the coal for defending a rapist, she was fresh out of law school and a public defender, she had no choice. I have often wondered how a defence lawyer lives with himself, but we have to have them.

I could barely contain myself when I saw a woman comment on someone’s facebook that Bill and Hillary prefer sex with women. I asked her how she knew this. She immediately copped an attitude and repeated the information with authority. And I have read articles that say Michelle Obama is really a man. My good God people, I suppose you used to read the Inquirer and believe it too! that is just so trailer trashy, red necky of you, really!

I love these people who spout off “facts” about things they know nothing about. Do they not know how foolish they look? Do they not know that a lie told enough times becomes “fact”? It is a favorite tactic of a narcissist, they tell a lie to someone they know will repeat it, often referred to as “Flying Monkey’s” and sit back and wait. Gossips love to spread dirt, “I know something you don’t know” One person tells 6 people, those 6 tell another 6, and now with the internet and social media, people are telling thousands of people in a few minutes. In a day or two it has been heard so many times by people that it must be true and it becomes a fact.

I am actually quite amazed at victims of a narcissist who jump on the “blame the new woman” bandwagon. I agree that there is never a good enough excuse for screwing another woman’s man; but as a victim, you should know from experience that the narcissist must have spun a fantastic web of lies.

But then we saw it with Trump and Clinton during the election, it’s no wonder victims of abuse around the world were being triggered into PTSD. I may not have researched Hillary extensively, I did go and verify plausible “facts” I heard, but I didn’t research Trump any deeper than Clinton. There was no need, my opinion of him was formed long before the elections, long before the women came forward with allegations of sexual abuse. I didn’t have to go looking for dirt on him, I didn’t check to see how many times he claimed bankruptcy and I didn’t have to see his income taxes; those things only served to verify what I already knew, that he is a narcissist/psychopath. A person had to look no further than to his own words and actions. I was amazed that he was not charged with inciting violence by offering to pay the lawyer fees of anyone who punched a protester, when he insinuated harm should come to Clinton.

I cried when I heard Trump won, not because I thought Clinton was that much better, but at least she has experience and if she was going to show signs of being a narcissist it would have come out long ago. I was upset because it is eye opening and fricken scary to witness first hand how people can easily be manipulated into a hate filled mob of racism and anger………no rage!

I won’t bother repeating all the horrific things he said about so many people, races and genders (and then denied it adamantly in typical narcissist fashion); I was dumb struck so many people were accepting of it, to the point of voting for him. I was under the naive belief that humanity had evolved past that redneck, uneducated, narrow point of view. It shook me to the core to realize that many people actually swallowed the poison. No doubt they could never understand why a woman stays with her abuser or how someone like Jim Jones could convince the people of Jonestown to drink the koolaid.

If I mentioned Trump was a psychopath people would snort as if I was exaggerating, over-reacting, after all, “guys will be guys”, “he didn’t mean it”, “after the election he will change”, But CLINTON, what about those emails!!?? I felt like bashing my head against a brick wall. As with all narcissists he was misunderstood, misquoted, set up, the mike didn’t work, Hillary was a “nasty woman”. He popularity would drop and he would go on his best behavior, tell the people what they want to hear and boom! the next day he’s got everyone back in his camp.

I didn’t judge Trump on hearsay, on pending charges, gossip or prejudices, I judged him on his own actions. Like I said to my ex one time when he accused me of making him look like an asshole by talking badly about him behind his back.

“If me telling the truth about the things you do makes you look like an asshole,

maybe you should stop acting like an asshole.”

I had a conversation the other night with someone who was saying the people wanted a change and we all have to sit back and wait to see what he does, after all he has advisors, he doesn’t really have any power, everything he does has to be passed by senate. Well, I listened to an expert talking about the damage Trump could do and really? who honestly thinks Trumps ego is going to let him take advice from anyone? I have heard people say his advisors will have to teach him how to act and monitor his behavior, omg……. does that sound familiar to anyone? Those of you who have thought you were special and you were going to teach the narc how to be a decent human being know how futile it is to try to teach a narcissist anything; he doesn’t want to have empathy or a conscience, he doesn’t want to care, he can’t care.

I realize it is totally out of anyone’s control and I hope he is investigated and watched closely; Trump getting in doesn’t bother me near as much as the realization that there are that many people out there who believe in him.

Did society learn nothing from Hitler? Hitler promised to make the country great again, he promoted violence, but I highly doubt people thought he was capable of the atrocities he committed. The thing with psychopaths, you never know how evil they can be until it is too late.

 

 

The Reality Of Love

This is a recycled post from two years ago that I thought was well worth reposting.

It’s all about trusting, trusting that the truth always comes out, trusting that you are loveable, trusting your gut instincts and trusting that; if it doesn’t work out with this guy or the next, it is not a reflection on you. If the guy turns out to be an asshole maybe he is just an asshole; it does not mean you did something to deserve it or you are flawed in some way.

There are narcissists everywhere, everyone meets them in their life, there is nothing wrong with you, nothing about you attracts them, don’t take it personally when you discover a man you met is a narcissist. Just walk away. That is the lesson you need to learn from this whole thing; the narcissist is the sick one, you just have to learn to accept they exist and they will eventually let their true colors show. Your job is to make sure that when the mask drops, you are prepared to walk away.

Falling in love is not about being the kind of woman any man would love and trying to fit a mold; it is about meeting men and taking the time to find out if HE is right for YOU. You are not going to know that in a few weeks or months………….give it time!!

Anyway, here is the post from the past 

Why Am I Not Enough?

I received this heart wrenching comment on the blog yesterday and wanted to address it in a stand alone post because, although it doesn’t happen often, I have had other women come in the blog with the same issue. First let’s read the comment from “Jane” and then I will discuss it.

“From the start he told me he wanted a one sided intimate thing with me and no relationship like girlfriend boyfriend. the narc was married once.From the start I cared for him and went along with this nightmare.He is cold aloof angry and says he has no feelings for anyone including me.He doesn’t like any closeness and the intimacy is for him only without being graphic.L can’t sleep at his house.Only please him there and he takes me home.No hanging out or staying at his house.From his bedroom to his car to home.Why does he act this way? Do you think he was hurt by some female and now protecting himself from me? That’s not a typical narc because they have no feelings.I’m looking for excuses for why I am staying with him.Why do I care for a man who treats me like dirt and everytime I go home from seeing him I cry and so depressed.I feel so alone and empty and horrible but yet I can’t leave him.Why is he putting this cold,onesided wall between us.Please can you explain why he doesn’t want a relationship with me but had one when he was married. I am always sad and feel like I’m dead inside.I’m not happy like I was before I met him.Why do I care for him? Can you tell me please?”

Jane, your pain and confusion is heart wrenching and it’s very obvious how unhappy you are. I am sorry you, for whatever reason; feel you are not deserving of love and respect and have spent the last 18 months with a man who treats you with less respect than he would a prostitute. I hate to put it that bluntly but there is not much more a man could do to a woman to prove she is worthless to him. A prostitute has control, she chooses when she will have sex and how much she will charge, she decides what sex acts she will perform and which ones she won’t. A prostitute has no expectations of the relationship going any where and she is quite happy to take her pay for services rendered and go home. The man you are seeing is not even giving you the respect of valuing the sex he gets from you. Is it any wonder you go home and are depressed, crying and feel horrible about yourself, yet you continue to see him. Why? Very good question.

I am not a professional therapist and I know nothing about your past, if this is history repeating itself with every relationship you have had or if you were abused as a child, felt abandoned as a child etc And we certainly don’t have the time to get into all that here. I think you would benefit greatly if you got into therapy with a reputable counselor and investigate why you find it so hard to set boundaries, demand respect and would settle for a man who treats you like garbage.

All I can do is touch on the generic reasons for you to be in this relationship and feel you can not walk away. I think I will do it in point form for the sake of brevity, not importance.

  1. I am not going to discuss the reasons I think he does the things he does because I don’t see him as the one with issues. I am not convinced he is even a narcissist. Everyone is calling everyone else a narcissist these days, it is the go to buzz word whenever a person gets hurt, the person doing the hurting must be a narcissist. No, sometimes they are just not that into you. I will tell you what I told my son when he started dating and having sex.

I explained that women tend to give sex for love and women find it very hard to just have casual sex. Men can have sex with anyone whether they are really attracted to the person or not but women are different, when they have sex, chemicals are released that make them more trusting and fall in love more easily. It is human nature, nothing you can do about it. I do not believe you have to wait until marriage to have sex but you do have to be honest. Never tell a woman you love her in order to get her into bed, as long as you are honest about your intentions it is her responsibility to say no or accept that it is just sex without strings.  That said there are women who will tell you that they are fine with casual sex when they really aren’t, not many women can have no strings attached sex. If you see that happening you need to end the relationship because she is going to get hurt and even if you were honest and tell her a dozen times you are not interested in a relationship,every time you have sex with her she is going to think maybe you love her. Some women will just not accept the truth and it would be wrong to take advantage of that. (I want to put a caveat in here. I always had a very open and honest relationship with my son, not all men, especially older men would have heard that kind of advice coming from their mom) I also told my son to be sure to use protection at all times because there are women out there who will be so intent on making a relationship happen, they will purposely get pregnant.

In my heart I really do believe a woman, especially a middle aged woman; needs to be responsible for her own happiness and well being and if a man tells her he is not interested in anything more than casual sex on his terms she has to either accept that (fine, we are all adults nothing wrong with a sexual relationship if that is what they both want) or move on.

2. There are a couple of red flags of a narcissistic relationship that are consistent through all narcissistic relationships and they are;

  • they are all pathological liars
  • it is always a whirlwind romance in the beginning. They can’t gt enough of you, they thought they had been in love before but now they know what true love is, you are soul mates, you are perfect, he wants to be with you constantly, professing his undying love. It might not last long because as soon as the narcissist feels he has the victim firmly hooked he will start the devaluing stage

Those two elements are not in your relationship from what you have told me so I tend to think he is exactly what he told you he is; he doesn’t want a relationship, he just wants sex. If you are going to tolerate that why should he change? He is getting exactly what he said he wanted, you are the one being dishonest. You are the one who has spent the last 18 months wondering why he doesn’t love you and what is wrong with you when you should be saying, “This man can not give me what I need. I need to move on so I can find  a man prepared to and capable of giving me what I need.”

3. He has done nothing to warrant your love and devotion. You have created a fantasy love relationship with him in your mind. It does not exist. Victims of narcissistic abuse are led to believe the N loves them with all his heart, they are promised forever, he is their knight in shining armor so they have a basis for their love and it is embedded in their brain by the narcissist and when he withdraws his affection the victim tries to win back his love. But in your case he didn’t lie, he didn’t pretend, he was straight up honest and you created the whole fantasy in your own head. For 18 months you have pined away for a love that isn’t there and imagined how wonderful it would be to be in love and in a relationship with him, if only he loved you. Do you see the problem here? You are refusing to accept him for who he is. You were attracted to a man, and randomly you have created your fantasy love relationship in your head with him. You are in love with someone who is only in your head, he doesn’t exist any where but in your own mind and you have brain washed yourself to believe that if only this man would love you the two of you would ride off into the sunset happily ever after.

4. Our brains only know what we put in it. We say things like “I can’t stop thinking about him” “I can’t stop obsessing.” But we can, we control our brains, not the other way around. We are born with a blank slate and our brains store information from the day we are born to the day we die. We all get fed misinformation throughout our life and we believe lies about ourselves or other people. Every thought we have, every reaction we have comes from the information we have been given in some form or another throughout our life. I suspect that at some point in your early life you were made to feel you were not worthy of love and being treated with respect. That you had to give sex in order to get love. You have the power to change the way you view things. You created the relationship, you are the only one who can uncreate it. It will take effort on your part, but every time you find yourself thinking you love him and can’t walk away, stop yourself (every time you think a thought you bury it deeper in your psyche and the quicker your mind will go there. It is a vicious cycle that only you can stop) and tell yourself the truth. Literally write it out and say it out loud to yourself whenever you start thinking you love him and can’t live without him. Something like this

“He does not love me and has given me no reason to love him. I deserve and am worth so much more than what he can give me. He has proven to me that he is incapable of loving me. That does not mean I am unlovable or that I am flawed in any way. This is not love and I do not need it in my life. I am capable of protecting myself, I am strong, I am a grown woman who deserves to be treated with respect.” Keep saying it over and over again, or any other version of the same thing, as long as it reinforces you are enough, you are strong etc and not listing all your flaws.

5. You seem to think that because he was once married he is capable of love and commitment and that there must be something wrong with you if he doesn’t love you. Did you ever think that maybe he wasn’t any different in his marriage and that is why he is no longer married? Maybe he was a cold bastard to his wife and she finally left him and he was smart enough to realize he doesn’t like being married and he should be honest about that with women? Marriage does not indicate an ability to love and be faithful. A 30 year marriage does not indicate two happy people, ask anyone who was married to a narcissist for 10-20-30 years. You really are creating a whole person in your head and running on misguided truths.

6. Another possibility is that you are actually afraid of commitment and true honest intimacy,  so you seek out men who are unable to commit, keeping yourself “safe”. Purposely picking a man who reject you right from the start of the relationship protects you from ever truly opening up and exposing your most vulnerable areas and being rejected for it.

It is human nature to want to be loved and wanted, we are born needy and with any luck we are raised by parents who ensure we always know we are loved and accepted, who encourage us to express our feelings and be the best version of us we can be. But humans are fallible, our parents are packing baggage from their past that they may inadvertently unload on us. They may have unrealistic expectations of who we should be and not allow us to develop into our own person. Other people may be raised to believe love is conditional, or that we are totally unlovable no matter how hard we try to be what they want. Maybe your parents were perfect but you were abused my a relative, or teacher, or you were raped and never dealt with the after math or were made to feel it was your fault. There is endless reasons why you may feel you are not worthy of love not even respect. I truly feel that if you find out what these lies are that you believe about yourself and have subconsciously reinforced your whole life, you will find the answer to why you can’t walk away.

What can you do about it right now?

I know it is easier said than done; but you really need to go no contact. Without explanation or excuses or ultimatums. You need to take a break from any relationship and find out who you are and why you don’t like yourself.

Dr Phil said one time, “We teach people how to treat us.” and it is very true. This fellow you are seeing treats you the way he does because you let him. You think that if you don’t give him what he wants when he wants it, he will leave you. You don’t realize that you would not be losing anything. Neither would he, because he has nothing invested in the relationship, he can always find a woman for sex. Don’t you want a man who enjoys all of you? values you and worries as much about losing you as you worry about losing him? A love relationship where both people are invested and you are not the only one. Love does not hurt like this, co-dependency hurts like this, unmet expectations hurts like this, not living true to your core being hurts like hell, not having boundaries hurts, never having your feelings considered hurts, BUT the most hurtful thing happening in your life right now is the lies you are telling yourself about yourself. I am sure you would not let a friend carry on with a man like this knowing she is short changing herself and allowing herself to be abused and used. Do you have a daughter? wouldn’t it break your heart to see her lower herself to this level? Have as much compassion for yourself as you would anyone else.

We are here as moral support any time.

Hugs

Carrie

 

Super Heroes and Narcissists

What do a Super Hero and a Narcissist have in common? 

They both hide their identity behind a mask and lead a double life,

They usually have a loyal side kick

They are both make believe

They both have super powers (well the narcissist likes to think he has super powers)

In any story involving a super hero; there is an equally evil villain and they both have super powers; the only difference between them is the super hero uses his `powers to do good and the villain uses his to do evil.

When you met the narcissist he was your super hero, and true to form for a super hero, he didn’t really exist. I used to follow a blog written by a young woman who called the new man in her life her superman. I remember seeing red flags throughout her posts and thought to myself, just wait; your superman is going to turn into the villain soon enough; and he did, as soon as she got pregnant. Guess who is a single mom, again, with teenagers and a baby, Superman is no where to be seen now.

So why is it so hard to tell the hero from the villain? How can good be so close to evil? Like they say, most genius’s are bordering on insanity, love is the closest thing to hate, a person can be so happy they cry, the most powerful emotions are so intense they can almost become their exact opposite. (This is just me trying to connect the dots, try to follow along, I am trying to make a point here, I may just be taking the scenic route getting there)

This is where it is going to get confusing because I am going to challenge your definition of empathy. Keep in mind this is just me throwing thoughts around.

First here is the Full Definition of empathy from Merriam/Webster Dictionary

  1. 1 :  the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it

  2. 2 :  the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner

I think everyone here has at some point been told they are an “Empath” as if it is a bad thing, and the reason they were targeted by the Narc. What we all gather from the information we consume is;

Victim = Empathy ………. Narcissist = Lack of Empathy and the combination of the two equates to, empathy/feelings are bad, it is the victims fault and the victim is flawed.

But this creates a quandary for the victim because they have witnessed the narc exhibit empathy, when they first started dating the victim felt as if the narc was able to pick up on her every emotion, he knew her better than she knew herself. Even once his true colored showed he was still able to do something so totally sensitive and romantic there is no way he “guessed” at it.

For example; nearing the end of the relationship when the good times were extremely rare and short lived I was stranded yet again (you guess it, my truck was broken down) no money for the bus, no cell phone and called my ex from a phone booth in tears. He was amazingly compassionate and said he had to take a run out of town to fix a semi that was broken down and he would pick me up so I could ride along. I was relieved and hopeful we might actually enjoy a long drive together but then I thought of Kato at home alone without supper until God knows when. I had to put the thought out of my head, he would survive, I had no options for getting home. My ex told me where to meet him and I went to wait. As per usual he was taking a long time and I was getting frustrated, when I heard a semi honk behind me. When I turned around, there was my ex crouching down with a big smile on his face and he was holding Kato between his legs. Kato’s tail was going a million miles an hour. I doubt I ever loved my ex more. He knew how important Kato was to me. The situation provided him with a golden opportunity to ruin my night worrying about Kato. If he was a true narcissist why would he do something so thoughtful? If he was lacking in empathy how would he even know how I felt?

There were a handful of times my ex came through with something so thoughtful, so insightful, so totally me, it was impossible to believe he didn’t love me. I had never known anyone who knew me so completely and never known anyone who had the power to destroy me so completely.

I think one requires the other in order to destroy someone, you have to know them intimately, every like, dislike, insecurity, what makes them happy, what makes them angry, every skeleton in their closet and every dream, hope, desire and you have to make them trust you so they will share their most embarrassing secrets and secret fears that they barely admit to themselves, let alone anyone else. People are not going to bare their soul to someone who doesn’t care and empathy is not something a person can fake, can they?

I have heard it called “cold empathy”, calling someone empathetic doesn’t necessarily guarantee they are a caring, good person with honorable intentions, so don’t be fooled by someone who seems to be able to pick up on your every emotion and know how to sooth your troubled soul because they just might use their power to bring you down.

I think we are all born with the super power to pick up on other people’s feelings, what separates us from the evil narcissist is how we use our super power.

We do exactly what the narcissist does when we meet someone, only we are not as focused as the narcissist because our life does not depend on it like it does for the narc. But when we meet a new romantic interest we want to learn everything about them and we make mental notes of his likes and dislikes, we compile all the information he feeds us in order to form a picture of this person we just met, we all, after all, are the sum total of our life experiences, right? We assume the person is telling us the truth about themselves and the narcissist is especially believable because he is smart enough to pepper his past with some unflattering details, we think he is so honest he can’t even lie about the errors he has made. We know that we tell stories of our past in such a way as to make ourselves sound better, no one meets a new person and relieves all their flaws right from the get go, that doesn’t even make sense, so the narcissist must be telling the truth; and he looks and sounds so sorry, we totally miss the fact that the way he put it, it really wasn’t his fault; if the other woman hadn’t done this or that he would not have been forced to act so against his true character and he always adds he is sure it would never happen with us because after all we are nothing like his ex’s, we are special.

Later we will use the information we collect during those romantic all night discussions with the narcissist; we will remember his favorite drink so we can have it waiting for him after work, we will remember his size so when we see that blue shirt that matches his eyes perfectly, we buy it, we remember the hurts of his past so as to not inadvertently cause him pain, and so we know how to bring him joy and make him feel special. (like he makes us feel) This is normal! We will even change our interests, if he is into something we have never done we are willing to give it a try for him, right? I had never liked watching hockey on TV but I dated a guy who was nuts about hockey and for a period of time I really enjoyed hockey and never missed a game. After we split I never watched hockey again. I have never changed my whole personality in order to hook a man because I see no point in that, eventually your true self comes out and you are with a guy you have nothing in common with and I learned decades ago to never think you can change a man and what you see is what you get, so if you don’t like what you see keep right on walking.

The narcissist is collecting information on you also, in the beginning, in order to hook you and later to use as a weapon against you. YOU are being totally honest and he has been totally lying to you, so most of the info you have is bogus and you shared the most intimate details of your life with him. You are instantly at a disadvantage.

With the narc is, what you see is NOT what you get, but I digress.

Back to the empathy thing.

I believe the narcissist has a “type” of empathy, in fact he might be more empathetic or intuitive than you or I; it is what he DOES with his empathy super power. This takes us back to the question; what is imperative if you want to destroy someone? The ability to know them better than they know themselves and get them to let their guard down. The fastest way to do that is through…….empathy.

So if the narcissist has empathy how can he go around hurting people all the time? Because what he is lacking is a conscience/guilt, in other words, he knows he is hurting you, he just doesn’t give a fuck. No I lie, he does give a fuck because he wants you to hurt, it makes him feel powerful and superior. He has the super power to bring you to your knees using the exact same skill you use to do good.

He abuses you, and your empathy makes up all kinds of possible scenarios for his behavior. When he doesn’t give a shit, you just substitute what you would be feeling if it was you. A narcissist has no idea how guilt feels, he never loses sleep over hurting someone, he losing sleep trying to devise a plot TO hurt someone.  The narcissist operates from his ego, he may get extremely jealous and suspicious when you are totally loyal and faithful, all the while be screwing around with half a dozen women himself. I tried to relate to my ex by saying things like, “How would you feel if you found out I had a personal ad?” I related back to him how he had told me how much it hurt to find out his ex had been cheating on him. (but now I believe it was probably a lie) He was always obsessed about whether his women were screwing around on him, all the while he was seeing 3-4 of us and telling us all that he loved us ad we were the only woman in his life. He knew how it felt to be jealous, he just didn’t care, it was more important to him to satisfy his needs and without a conscience there is nothing to stop him.

Why bother? Why go to all that work? Because a common criminal will just walk into a bank with a gun and demand the teller hand over the cash. It doesn’t make him a narcissist, it makes him a criminal. When a narcissist commits a crime he isn’t doing it for the money as much as he is doing it for the ego boost of sucking the victim in. There is a much bigger ego payout when you can suck the victim into playing a part in their own demise. Now THAT is powerful and provides visual proof of the narcissist’s superiority to the mere humans he must co-exist with. The whole time he is playing you like a concert violinist he is congratulating himself on how intelligent he is. And how stupid you are. Haven’t you ever noticed that this seemingly highly intelligent man can be so stupid as to leave his laptop open with his email account on the screen, or leave a phone number where you can find it, a hotel receipt in his pants pocket when he never does the laundry and knows you will find it.

He is getting frustrated because you are not picking up the clues fast enough, you aren’t playing the game of cat and mouse so he has to drop some clues to get you playing the game.

For a narcissist it is all about the game, manipulating people to do his dirty work, it is a complicated plot where a dozen different moves made by a handful of people results in him getting what he wants. He will take advantage of an easy target but he feeds off of the manipulation, the gas lighting, the total destruction of his target and ……….. getting them to help in their destruction. Oh glorious narcissistic supply!!

I have read that narcissists actually hate sex, they only use it to hook the victim. To take it a step further I believe that in the beginning the narcissist is aroused by the simple fact that they are sucking in the victim, knowing what they have in store for the victim and the victim innocently mistaking his ardor for love.

The longer the relationship goes on the narcissist is building up an immunity to the supply he gets from the victim and he must ramp up the abuse. The closer he gets to the final discard, the end goal of this whole performance, the curtain is about to drop, all his plotting, conniving and scheming is about to pay off. He gets excited about how devastated the victim is going to be, he can visualize it, he has it all planned, how he will reveal the fact that he doesn’t love her, how he has found the “love of his life”, it’s building to a crescendo, just like that moment just before you orgasm. He holds himself back, wanting to let his load go but he knows if he can wait the orgasm will be so much better. He doesn’t need sex, he is getting something better.

The thing with empathy is, no one can know exactly how another person feels because they only know what they have experienced; something that brings them to their knees might not have the same effect on someone else. We, as empathetic people assume other people are feeling what we would be feeling. Personally I can not tolerate anyone or thing suffering, get almost ill to my stomach and it seems to be getting worse the older I get. I was at the vets today to get Stella’s stitches out (for those of you who don’t follow my FaceBook, Stella was spayed last week, that in itself was more traumatic for me than her I am sure) they brought out a female lab X, co-incidentally named Stella; she was struggling to walk and could barely keep her head up, then I noticed one of her front legs was missing. I fought back the tears and almost had to leave, or go to the owner and hug her, I kept thinking how I would feel if I had to decide whether to have Stella’s leg removed in order to save her life and I felt I should be doing something to comfort the dog, the owner, myself. In an attempt to figure how I would handle it I asked how old the dog was and the receptionist tod me 9 yrs old. Not that I could afford to have the surgery done but if I could I doubt I would go for it, I think I would choose to have her made as comfortable as possible and put her to sleep instead of making her last few years painful and make her have to adjust to For one thing I could never afford the surgery but I also knew it would kill me to watch her suffer. Then I asked myself, “would it be more selfish to keep her alive or to let her die peacefully? Who would I be deciding for? Her or me? The owner of the other Stella was totally stoic, I imagined she was breaking down deep inside, maybe she wasn’t, she obviously loved her dog but I have no right to assume I know how she feels.

Empathetic people have to ask themselves; are they assigning emotions they would be feeling to other people who quite possibly aren’t feeling anything close to that. That is the only draw back of being an Empath, having compassion for others is a good thing, the world needs empaths, having empathy is a powerful skill; imagine the world without empaths; they are the activists, the one’s who change laws, save children, run dog rescue shelters, care for the elderly, risk life and limb fighting fires, they run food banks, they are the voice of reason, the peace keepers. Don’t let anyone tell you that having empathy is a bad thing, unless you use the super power for evil and not good.

Ghomeshi Case Takes Unexpected Turn

 

ghomeshi and lawyer

I have been following the case of Jian Ghomeshi, a Canadian celebrity charged by numerous women for sexual assault happening years ago. When the case broke it was a huge step for the “breaking the silence” campaign, women were coming forward with allegations of physical abuse by Ghomeshi; to satisfy his fetish for violent sex and he was celebrity and powerful enough to intimidate many people into remaining silent. Everyone who knew him and worked with him describe him as being cocky, disrespectful of his colleagues and generally; he was a legend in his own mind.

You can read up on the players in the trial and more about the case here.

Ghomeshi was fired from his high paying radio announcer job and in a matter of days he watched his reputation and life crumble before his eyes. Women started coming out of the woodwork with allegations of sexual abuse dating back a decade or more. Ghomeshi’s guilt was never in doubt, 8 women could not be lying. Out of all the women only 3 were able to testify for various reasons, and of those women only one would reveal her identity; Lucy DeCoutere, best known for her role in the popular sitcom “Trailer Park Boys”.

The women all had a similar story,they met Ghomeshi, he was very personable, they went on a date, went back to his place and at that point he was physically abusive in some way, punching them in the head, strangling them, throwing them, forcing sex or oral sex on them and often times talking about his teddy bear, Big Ears Teddy who he would turn around so the teddy couldn’t see what he was doing. Afterwards he would act like nothing unusual happened and the women left.

Gimeshi admitted he like rough sex, the only thing he denied was the fact that the women did not give their consent to rough sex.

My heart sank when the court case started and his cracker jack lawyer brought evidence of communication from the women to Ghomeshi in the form of emails and one hand written letter wanting to see him again.

They ended up changing their testimony at the last minute, said they had forgotten they sent the emails; it didn’t look good and Ghomeshi’s lawyer ran with it. “If it was non consensual and if indeed you were so traumatized by it, why on earth would you actively seek his attention and want to see him again?” I am sure much of society is asking the same question; it is a logical question because it doesn’t make sense. Just like the question, “Why do they stay?” or “Why do I miss him so much when he treated me so bad?”

I don’t really understand it myself. I remember the first time James was abusive; he strangled me until I passed out. When I came to I remember the only thing I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me it was all a bad dream. I was sure he must feel awful. But he acted like nothing out of the ordinary happened. In fact when I went to him to talk about it and said, “James that was abuse.” he snorted and said, “It was not.”

I said, “James, how can you say that? You choked me until I passed out.”

He sighed and took his eyes off his computer to look at me with disdain, “I did not choke you. I had my hands on your throat.”

Me, “that is abuse James, you could have killed me!”

Him, “Don’t be ridiculous, I know exactly when to stop. Besides, a real man would have done it a lot sooner.”

I didn’t leave, I didn’t tell anyone, I decided to solve the problem, talk to him, figure out why he did it, fix him, fix us; and I decided to prove to him that I loved him and I protected him then and every time after that. The longer it went on the harder it was to tell anyone because how could I explain why I hadn’t said anything up until now, why I was still with him.

There is something that happens to the victim’s mind when they are violated; maybe it is a survival mechanism where the mind just does not accept what happened or maybe it is because the abuser acts like nothing happened and we are uncertain about what abuse actually is. Is it abuse if you are choked, punched in the head once, twice, thrown across the room? Did we deserve it? We must have done something to bring it on ourselves. It is ugly and we don’t want to deal with it so we try to make it right. It is called Cognitive Dissonance, where in order to deal with something that goes totally against our belief system, we alter the facts in our head to be something we can accept. We minimize the events, make excuses or come up with some other way of making it acceptable. You can read more about Cognitive Dissonance here.

The real problem with the court case and this unfortunate turn of events is Crown Counsel didn’t properly prepare their clients for court. For once the police and society in general believed the women and because of that they didn’t investigate the case in as much depth as they should have. No one thought to ask these women if there were emails out there or anything else they had forgotten about what happened after the incident. Ghomeshi hired one of the best and most expensive lawyers available, a woman.

Once again, it is proven that the judicial system is basically ignorant about abuse and the effects it has on the victim. We need a lot more education on how trauma affects the victim, what defines abuse, and that when people are dealing with insanity they don’t always act in a sane and rational way.

Ghomeshi also brought up the book 50 Shades of Grey, I have never read it myself but I have certainly heard the women gushing over the sex scenes. I have never liked the whole story line of the book and didn’t read it. It truly does blur the lines of acceptable consensual sex and abuse.

And once again the abuser sits calm, cool and collected, admitting to enough fault to appear honest yet never taking any blame and as much as I hate to say it, I think Ghomeshi is going to get away with it.

I just hope that this doesn’t send the message to other victims that it is not safe to speak out. We have to keep speaking out and educating people until abuse can no longer be excused away.