Category Archives: Emotion Abuse

The Narcissist’s Victim and PTSD

If you think you have escaped an abusive relationship with a narcissist and DON’T have PTSD, you probably aren’t aware of the symptoms of PTSD.

Here’s a brief list of some of the signs you probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Post-traumatic stress disorder can start immediately after the relationship ends or up to a year or more afterwards. The symptoms cause major problems in your work, relationships and how you function day to day and can become incapacitating for some people.

Symptoms come in four types, and can vary over time and person to person. They are:

Intrusive memories

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

  • Obsessively thinking about your ex
  • Flashbacks
  • Upsetting nightmares
  • Anxiety attacks triggered by some seemingly insigficant event

Avoidance

Symptoms include:

  • I developed a really strange avoidance habit and still fight it. When getting ready to go somewhere I avoid looking at the clock. I guess because my ex was always late. I also avoid looking at my bank account, I assume because I was so broke for so long.
  • Avoiding places, or activities you used to enjoy. Although you need to go no contact, this is to the extreme. I had to stay away from not only the neighborhood my ex was living, I avoided the whole town. The minute I got to his town I could feel myself getting anxious. To this day!

Negative changes to your outlook on life, which may include:

  • Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world ie: all men are assholes, everyone is out to get you, life is unfair, “I can’t do this”
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Hopelessness
  • Memory problems, you are forever losing your keys etc also often times traumatic events are forgotten
  • Feeling like you don’t fit in with family and friends any more and don’t know how to socialize and make small talk
  • Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Deadened emotions, no happiness, no sadness, just numb

Changes in how you reaction:

Which may include:

  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Constant feelings of impending doom
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as excessive drinking, spending
  • Sleeping disorders, sleeping too much or not at all. Ie: you may fall asleep immediately, but after a couple hours you are wife awake. Or you are exhausted, but the minute your head hits the pillow you’re wide awake.
  • Trouble concentrating on anything, tv, reading a book…
  • Irritability, angry outbursts, I would just SNAP over the slightest frustration or inconvenience, throw things, cry, yell. My poor dog! Then I would feel guilty because it was not me!
  • Guilt or shame

You may also be suffering from some physical illnesses that are commonly found with domestic abuse survivors, such as:

Fibromyalgia, heart failure, head aches, cancer, MS.

So many times victims are told to “just get over it” and people can’t understand why the victim can’t. The victim sees her ex out and happy with his new love interest and thinks there is something wrong with them because they can’t move on. They believe they must really be deeply in love with the narcissist otherwise they wouldn’t be in so much pain. For one thing, it is NOT normal to move on from a love relationship that fast! Two, you are confusing the symptoms of PTSD with the feelings of unrequited love. Sure a love relationship ending is painful and there is a mourning period of certainly months, if not years but PTSD is much more incapacitating.

The real kicker is, you could have been feeling completely healed, years out of the relationship, then something like this pandemic can throw you right back into experiencing symptoms again. Know you are not alone!

I’ll cover more ways you can deal with PTSD over the next few days.

As always, be patient with yourself, you can do this!

Love and hugs Carrie ❤️❤️😉

His New Relationship Has Lasted-He Must Have Changed

A narcissist can be extremely dedicated to proving his last victim must have been the one at fault. If the relationship lasted 10 yrs he will make sure the next relationship lasts 10 years and one month.

Does this sound familiar? For how ever long you were together was there things you wanted to do, places you wanted to see, interests you had; that he simply would not do? And now with the new woman he is doing them all!! They are taking that trip you always wanted to take, he has started cooking when he couldn’t even boil water while with you. He never took your feelings into consideration but now he is mister empathy with her.

I recall one conversation we had after we had split and I wanted him to help me with something. He had NEVER worried about hurting My feelings with ex’s but all of a sudden he’s telling me that he doesn’t really think it would be right for him to spend time with me. He looked me in the eye with a concerned look on his face, “Imagine how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. You wouldn’t be happy.”

WTF!!?? Imagine how she feels?!!

There are things he has changed. I don’t know if he’s ever hit her but I kinda saved her from the physical abuse because she knows I accused him of physical abuse, he couldn’t be physical without her knowing it had happened before and is a pattern. There were alot of things he had to change just to prove I was a liar.

I know it hasn’t been a bed of roses and they’ve had problems, they never did get married and she doesn’t even wear her ring any more. But! It doesn’t matter.

Something I finally came to realize that helped me alot to move on was this:

How he treats her has nothing to do with me. I was miserably unhappy with him, he treated me like shit and it never got better, only worse. I was afraid he’d end up killing me and I was a shell of the person I used to be. I had compromised my values and standards to the point I didn’t even respect myself and nothing I had ever done had made it any better. I couldn’t change any more than I had and when I looked back at the way I had handled situations I couldn’t honestly say I would do anything different except I would have left sooner.

I had been angry he had personal ads, if that happened now I would just leave the relationship, not try to fix it. If a man didn’t show up for Christmas dinner with family without so much as a phone call, I wouldn’t listen to a bunch of excuses; I’d just say goodbye.

So if the new woman is able to tolerate him longer,if her standards are lower than mine, or if she has more money and can give him more things materially so he sticks around longer; that’s their relationship and good luck to her. I was not able to do that.

The secret to a happy relationship is not molding yourself into being what the other person wants it’s being with someone who values and cherishes you for who you are. Someone who isn’t constantly comparing you to someone else, finding fault, twisting your words, misunderstanding you, and thinks you are too anything.

And if he thinks you are too sensitive, then he should be with you if he can’t adjust his way of treating you. If you know something bothers the person you love, you stop doing it and if you can’t stop doing it, then obviously it is more important to you than the person and you need to walk away. Everyone has their own boundaries and deal breakers. One woman might not mind her man going to strippers, but a different woman might get enraged, it doesn’t mean one is right and one is wrong, but the man has to choose if strippers are more important than the woman, not lie about it.

So stop obsessing about the new woman and his new relationship. Reframe how you view it. Don’t think in terms of you weren’t/aren’t good enough, instead, is he good enough for you? was/is he capable of making you happy? Not his potential to make you happy if only he would………… (fill in the blank, but the truth.

In 2020, try to see the world around you honestly, with 20/20 vision and not through rose tinted glasses.

A New Support Site Worth Checking Out

New support site

I have felt bad for a long time now about not being available to listen and help other survivors of narcissistic abuse. When I first started the blog 8 years ago I was monitoring it 24/7 and was able to be present and available almost any time someone needed to talk, cry, rage or just ask a simple question, or needed a complex answer to something.

It wasn’t always easy, times when I didn’t have a computer and did all my posts on my Blackberry, or couldn’t afford the internet, was living in my car, or my health was so bad I thought I was going to die; but I always found a way to get on the site and check on everyone.

In all honesty it was not as altruistic as it sounds, I needed the site as much as anyone and I also felt I was a few steps ahead of most everyone coming to the site and even if I didn’t have the answers to everything, and didn’t always know the right thing to do; I felt obligated to share my mistakes in hopes others didn’t make the same ones I did. I don’t know where I would have been without the support and encouragement I got from everyone here, not to mention the financial contributions I received, that quite literally kept me fed at times.

I still get the odd donation and it always brings tears to my eyes. As much as the money always helps, it is the fact that someone cares or is grateful or helped by my ramblings that fills my heart. This blog was my rebirth, through it I found the courage to speak honestly because I was never criticized for it, in fact I was praised for my openness and saying it like it is.

I would still like to write a book some day, I have it started……..I just have to find the time to getter done.

But, the last year I have found life getting in the way of the things I want to do, or maybe I have come to the stark reality that I am not getting any younger, 61 yrs old; and I have nothing! If I don’t somehow find a way to provide some security for my future I am in big trouble. I was told 2 years ago that without a heart transplant I wouldn’t live 6 months, so now I am concerned I might live and not be able to survive.

Plus life just keeps kicking me, or the narcs in the world and on Friday I go to court to fight some psycho who wants my dog killed because he says she is vicious. She has never bitten anyone in her life, but they decided to deem her vicious and now she is supposed to be muzzled at all times and kenneled or chained, I refuse to do it because she didn’t do anything; so I am going to court. I don’t know why the guy is lying through his teeth and is focused on killing MY dog, but then, narcissists don’t make sense. They want to destroy things and if you happen to be in their line of vision at the time it strikes them, they will take you down just for the sport of it, to show you they are all powerful. It doesn’t help that he works for the district and of course would have connections and loyalty from any department of the district.

Anyway, I didn’t start this post as a rant about my personal problems; I just wanted to say that I will always leave the site up and pay my $24/ year to keep it active. At one point I had over 3000 followers and was getting thousands of hits a day, it’s down to a few hundred hits a day now, but, when I started I thought if I helped even one woman avoid what I went through, I would be happy and it would have all been worthwhile. Well, it far exceeded my wildest dreams and for that I am extremely grateful. I will still pop in like I have been but I got an invite to “Empaths and Survivors”, took a look and I think it could be a really good support system for victims of abuse. So Check it out and tell Karen I sent you. 🙂