Category Archives: Leaving a Narcissist

The Tools Of A Narcissist

Imagine if you will; you’ve been on your own for almost a year, or maybe it’s even been a couple of years; however long it’s been since you left the narcissist who feasted on your heart and you are finally whole.

You’ve done alot of hard work putting the pieces of your life together, you have found a new you under all the pain and confusion. You are feeling stronger and you’ve set new healthy boundaries, no man is ever going to have that control over you again.

You’ve been dating, nothing too serious and you doubt you will ever meet another man who will stir up the passion you had with the narcissist. But that’s ok because it was that passion that brought you to your knees and made you sacrifice everything.

Life is ok and you are ok with just ok. No passion, but no emotional roller coaster either.

Then, the phone rings. You check call display, it’s become a habit, he hasn’t called in months, a year? You used to count the hours, days, since you last talked to him but it’s been so long you’ve lost count. Your heart stops, it’s him. You stare at the phone, your mind races; you wonder why he’s calling now, what could he possibly say now, remember; “curiosity killed the cat”.

Oh but damn, it’s so hard to put that phone down and walk away. You’re stronger now, you just want to see what he has to say, you think this is your chance to tell him what you really think of him, you’re on to his games, he won’t be able to suck you back into his web of bullshit this time. You know what you are dealing with this time. And……you answer.

Hello?

Him in his soft, I couldn’t hurt a fly, soaked in honey voice,”Baby, I was afraid you wouldn’t answer. I don’t know if I should call or not, I just wanted to hear your voice. I need to know if you are ok.”

You, “You shouldn’t have called.”

Him, “Sorry. But it is really good to hear your voice.” he laughs nervously. “Are you doing ok?”

You’re forcing yourself to not smile. (He said it was good to hear your voice!! Heart get out of my throat) “I am doing good, no thanks to you! You really hurt me, left me with nothing but your shit and bills to clean up.”

Him in an even softer voice, “I know, and I am SO sorry. I will pay you back, that’s partly why I am calling. I’m finally making some decent money and you’re the first person I felt guilty about, I HAVE to try to make things right. I can’t live with myself knowing I hurt you……..I know I didn’t tell you enough, but you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

You are thrown off guard. He just admitted he did you wrong, he just basically apologized, he never admitted fault before! What’s going on?

He continues, “Look, I know you have every reason to not believe me and I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want to disrupt your life, I know I screwed it up and I have to live with my mistakes and the fact that it’s my fault I lost the only woman who ever really loved me and understood me, my soul mate. I just want the opportunity to at least pay you back.”

You, “I guess that would be ok. But I am seeing someone and have a new life now.”

Him, “I understand. You have found someone else. As long as you are happy, you deserve to be happy. I hope he treats you like the queen you are.”

You, “He’s a nice guy.”

Him, “Can I call you again?”

You, “I guess.”

Him with a sigh of relief, “Thank you Babe, that’s all I can ask of you. Thank you!”

You, “No biggie”. You are struggling to keep calm and sound indifferent but your mind is screaming, “What the hell is going on??!”

You, “Ok, well I should probably go.”

Him, “of course. I’m sorry to babble. I’ve missed you.”

You, “I used to miss you too.”

Him, “Babe?.”

You, “Yeah.”

Him, “There’s a song that always makes me think of you, Do You Drink About Me, just wanted you to know, it’s probably silly, forget I said anything. Sorry. I’ll let you go.” And in a barely audible whisper you think you hear him say, “I love you….”

*Click*

You, “Alexa? Play  Do You Drink About Me.

DON’T GO DOWN THAT RABBIT HOLE!!!

He has accomplished exactly what he set out to do. 

1. Get you thinking about him, wondering why he called now, what does he want, did he really say “I love you”, is he really sorry, has he changed??!!

2. Make you doubt yourself. 

3. Remind you that it wasn’t all bad.

4. Remind you of the passion and connection you had in the beginning.

5. Open the door, even a crack so he can slither back into your life.

And slither he will, just like the snake that he is. Once he is back in your life it won’t take long before you will be right back where you were. 

He’ll leave you alone for a few days, maybe send a text saying how good it was to hear your voice.

Then the next day, another text. “Have you listened to our song yet? I just heard it and thought of you.” (Notice now it is our song)

That night, “Still drinking of you. Goodnight Babe. Sweet dreams. I’ll be dreaming of you.”

Oh you would have to be a hard hearted Hannah to not start to weaken.

This is why No Contact is so vitally important. 

My next post. What To Do When The Narcissist Says All The Right Things.

 

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Heart Breaks Do Heal

When the victim is leaving or has been dumped for the umpteenth time by the narcissist they feel like they can’t go on, won’t survive the pain.

I know I am not alone when I say I felt like I just wanted to die, life was not worth living. I literally had nothing to live for and no hope of ever changing my bleak future.

As my ex had told me, “No man is ever going to want a psycho, paranoid, whining, suicidal bitch like you anyway”

And I don’t share this video in order to make you think your happiness resides in meeting another man and falling in love.

My point in sharing is to say, what seems hopeless, and what feels like the end to you ever being happy again is just one door closing, a door that needed to close in order for you to find your true self and real happiness.

What you think is a perfect fit and what you thought was your future will seem rediculous a few years from now.

So many victims lament that they want to be their “old self”, happy go lucky, niave, innocent, confident, but don’t know how now that they have known true evil.

You can’t go back, nor should you. You wouldn’t have even gotten into that mess, or stayed if there wasn’t something in you that needed fixing.

I believe we should all spend our whole life learning, growing and trying to be our best selves. I don’t think it is a goal we can ever attain.

Anyway, this woman tells a great story I think any divorcing woman can relate to or anyone who can look back to a time they had lost all hope. We never know what the future holds.

Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late

I have been there, believe me. Deep down you know you are in danger but when you tell anyone they doubt you and then you doubt yourself. Maybe you are paranoid, maybe you are imagining things.

Please, I was lucky, it took my sister-in-law telling me he would kill me if I didn’t leave. Maybe God let me live because he needed me to educate people, be there to support victims. I should have, could have died several times.

I was reading a post the other day about Flying Monkeys and the damage they do. I always read the comments on posts and this one was no different. That is where I read the following comment.

I’m going through something ive never seen written about. My ex has fm that sneak into my daughters attic and stay above only the room im in….so who hears them right. Plus they have a newly redone attic that make little noise. They throw liquid on me, use something to make burns on my head. Use something to make me so tired i actually passed out withfood in my mouth. What do i do? Pray. Its been 4 years we broke up and we r divorced. I did divorce. He got everything. Our business ect. I had many hospital stays in our 37 yr marriage. I had 11 kidney stones……bladder so red they thought i had cancer. He was always cold and distant. I am 57 never had kidney stones. Got so bad i couldnt pee. Then just blood……he got weird phone call and i heard him say no shes just scared. He has been abusive in everyway. Near the end i was passing out at random times and am again. Help!!

ML (she used her full name but for her protection I am using her initials, just in case I am wrong) you need to move immediately. Find a safe shelter for domestic abuse victims. It is unlikely the police will believe you because it does sound far fetched. I believe you, but only because I have been there. People who haven’t experienced the abuse of a narc think, “But that doesn’t make sense. Why would someone do that?” The only answer is, “because they are a narcissist. They are evil soul destroyers”.
Plan your escape very carefully and covertly. No one can know. Once you have a safe place to go to leave in one fell swoop. Take what you can and leave the rest, nothing is worth your life. I left with $5 and my dog and slept in my truck. It’s been a long haul and life has been tough but I never regretted getting away and now 8 years after leaving my life is anxiety free, and I have good friends I can trust.
As long as you live where they have access to you, you are not safe.
Good luck.

ML, also, if that is your real name stop using it to post on social media immediately!! Do a Google search of your name and see what shows up. Any comments you make will show up in a Google search. If they are spying on you, you can bet they are tracking your Internet activity. Also check your vehicle for a tracking device and get a different phone. It’s amazingly easy to hack into a person’s cell phone and have full access to a person’s photos, text messages, and GPS. They can listen in on all your conversations and actually see what you are doing, even if you think your phone is off.

I immediately got out of that post and did a Google search on her name and the only thing that came up was an Obituary saying she died Dec 28, 2018. She comment was made 36 weeks ago, that would have meant her comment was made at the end of June 2018.

I am not saying her ex killed her. I don’t know her or him at all.

I DO know there are many ways to kill a person, you don’t have to even be in the same vicinity.

There are many ways a rcissist can kill a person; by slowly poisoning them physically or mentally. They can make their life so unbearable they feel their only escape is to kill themselves. (By getting them fired, evicted, cut off assistance, turn their kids against them, ruin their reputation) They can make them feel useless and turn everyone against them. Or they can make them feel (and act) paranoid and crazy. They can badger them incessantly with taunting phone calls, emails and text messages. They can destroy their property until they own nothing at all. Some, like my ex tamper with the victims vehicle, cutting brake lines, loosening lugnuts, the steering.

The stress alone can kill them, a woman leaving an abusive relationship is 75% more likely to get a chronic illness like cancer or like in my case, heart failure. Almost all victims end up with PTSD.

Unfortunately, since I started this blog I personally know of at least 6 women who were killed by their narcissist ex. That is just the ones I know for sure, there are more, like this woman, I suspect their killer is walking free.

The victim is often so deep into cognitive dissonance they convince themselves the narcissist is not really dangerous and deep down loves them and couldn’t really hurt them. They think they know the narcissist better than anyone and can handle him. They think they will be able to talk him out of hurting her or be able to outsmart him.

They also think they can’t live without the narcissist, or they can wean themselves off the narc. Or, they think one day they will have their fill and be able to walk away without it hurting like hell. The narc will hurt them one last time and they will kick him to the curb and never doubt their decision. All lies.

You can not ever be “ready” to leave, you will have self doubt, and he is going to try everything to make you doubt yourself.

As long as you remain in contact with the narcissist, in any form at all, even through friends and family; you are putting yourself in danger.

And yes, I too found myself wishing he would just kill me and get it over with because I didn’t think I could leave and start all over alone. I had nothing, I was 51, I just didn’t feel strong enough, couldn’t see ever having a life worth living but I dug deep and took that first step.

You don’t know what the future holds if you leave, but you know what the future will be like if you stay; and it only gets worse. Your only chance for a better life is to leave.

I am not saying leaving isn’t hard, it IS hard, you are going to cry and go through all kinds of emotions and you will struggle with yourself to not call him BUT it does get better and easier.

That much I can promise you!!

You don’t know how strong you are until you make it through something you didn’t think you could. If it was easy you wouldn’t need strength or courage.

Don’t give up on yourself!!

Don’t let him/her win!

Let’s Set The Record Straight, Right Now!

There are some misconceptions going around that have the potential to be dangerous to unwitting victims of a narcissist.

Twenty years ago no one had even heard of a narcissist and a psychopath was someone depicted as running the Bates Hotel.

I had heard of Narcissist, the fabled guy who fell in love with his own reflection, but he was a joke, not to be feared.

After leaving my ex I was determined to figure out what happened to me and warn others.

There really wasn’t much information out there about narcissists and what I could find was vague and didn’t seem like my ex. One of the reasons I had fallen in love with my ex was the fact that he wasn’t a braggard. I had dated egomaniacs before and they never lasted long. I could not stand a guy who had to put a price on everything, interrupt people and be the center of attention. You know the guy, the one telling off color jokes at the top of his lungs, the used car salesman stereotype, the sleazeball leaning against the cigarette machine with his shirt undone to his navel with a gold chain and hitting on all the women. I never understood how they got women.

Or the guys in the gym who can’t walk past a mirror without flexing, or the highschool jock who has girls flocking at his feet. No fear of me ever falling for someone like that! As for a guy controlling what I wear, who my friends are, or when I go out; that was downright laughable!!

I was reading a post on a victims of a narcissist support site and some woman was saying she has learned to co-exist with her narcissistic husband. According to her, she knew exactly how to “handle” him. When I hear anyone say they know how to “handle” a narcissist and they can co-exist peacefully, I know one of three things is going on,

1. they are not with a narcissist

2. they are deep in denial

3. The narcissist has not revealed his true colors yet

She was defensive and told me she had done lots of research and knew what she was talking about. She related a story of a friend who’s husband was so selfish he filled the garage with all his “toys” and the wife could not park her car in the garage in winter and said, she would never presume to tell this friend to leave her husband and find someone better.

I would hope the hell not!! If that is the worst the woman has to deal with she should consider herself lucky.

This woman has a very warped definition of a narcissist!! Narcissists are NOT benign!!

It seems to me calling someone a narcissist has become the “in” thing to do. Everyone who has had a bad experience of any kind, been rejected by a man, or been with an inconsiderate man, is quick to label them a narcissist. The self righteous, “I am woman hear me roar” women will tell you they know how to deal with a narcissist. They tell a man what they think, they never let a man walk all over them. They aren’t a doormat.

Let me be very clear, narcissist is NOT the new age term for asshole.

If you sleep with a man even though he refuses to commit, you are making a conscious decision to have sex with a man without a commitment. If a man is honest enough to tell you, “I don’t love you”, “I don’t want a commitment”, “I don’t want to ever get married” believe him! Don’t assume you are going to win his love by being a doormat.

If a man falls out of love with you, it’s gonna hurt, but it happens, deal with it, it does not make him a narcissist.

Now, what does make him a narcissist?

The DSM 5, used to diagnose personality disorders, says at least 5 of these symptoms must exist:

    • A grandiose sense of self-importance

    • A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

    • A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

    • A need for excessive admiration

    • A sense of entitlement

    • Interpersonally exploitive behavior

    • A lack of empathy

    • Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

  • A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

In a proposed alternative model cited in DSM-5, NPD is characterized by moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning, manifested by characteristic difficulties in 2 or more of the following 4 areas [2] :

    • Identity

    • Self-direction

    • Empathy

  • Intimacy


It still sounds rather obscure and benign if you don’t fully understand how these traits manifest themselves.

Besides, by the time a victim goes looking for answers to “what the hell is happening?” They are in so deep it can be almost impossible to safely leave the relationship.

Any normal halfway intelligent woman wouldn’t date a narcissist if they saw him without his mask on the first date or two. When you meet the narcissist he is nothing like the description above, in fact he probably seems the exact opposite.

It isn’t even possible to describe how to a pick a narcissist out of the crowd or say what kind of woman they are attracted to because they morph into the victim’s perfect partner. They don’t have a “type” of woman, every woman they meet, regardless of age, looks, economic status, or religious beliefs is assessed for their value to the narcissist. Not every woman will fall for them but that is of little consequence to the narcissist because he has so many women in various stages of falling for his act he always has one or two ready to step into the role of his main supply.

He will use women for whatever he sees of benefit to him. One might provide a roof over his head, another could give him prestige, or a desired job, it could be simply a sexual relationship.

The one thing all the women will have in common is they will all think they are special to the narcissist and that he is totally in love with her alone. They will all think they know him better than anyone else and not have a clue who he really is. Most women find out exactly how little they knew about him after the relationship ends.

Before we go any further, let me clarify some misconceptions about narcissist. The mental health professionals can’t even agree on many aspects of narcissism. There is controversy about how dangerous they are, if they can be “healed” and how someone becomes a narcissist.

Some quick facts:

Not all narcissists were abused as children. I believe many of them were simply because they were narcissists and the parents were trying to teach them right from wrong. There can be numerous children in a family raised by the same two parents in the exact same way and one of them will be a narcissist and different from birth, always lying, breaking rules, blaming their siblings, getting in trouble in school etc

Brain scans have been done that prove narcissist and psychopath’s brains never develop the ability to feel empathy or guilt. Consequently, they can not be healed, not with therapy or by your magical love.

People will tell you narcissists aren’t dangerous. But recent research is showing otherwise. All psychopaths are narcissistic. They say narcissists don’t murder people, only psychopaths do that. If they both display the exact same traits how does a lay person distinguish between the two. A narcissist is just a psychopath who hasn’t killed yet.

There are three personality disorders that are considered the most dangerous; psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. The reason they are so dangerous is because they are the only disorders that lack a conscience. Think about it; without a conscience what stops a person from doing whatever they want whenever they want. Most of us have been so angry at someone at some point in our lives that we thought, “I could kill the bastard”; but we don’t! Because we know our conscience wouldn’t allow it. We may see something we like and think, “I really want that”, but we don’t steal it because we would feel too guilty, or we would think Karma would get us, or God, or we know how we would feel if someone stole from us. A narcissist doesn’t have those filters. He wants it, he takes it, without any guilt, in fact he feels entitled to take it.

Therapy doesn’t help a narcissist, except to help him be better at being a narcissist. Counselling only provides the narcissist with more information he can use to manipulate his victims and improve his acting skills.

Narcissists will tell you that they aren’t dangerous or even that evil. I have been told by narcissists that I am describing a psychopath, psychopaths say I am describing a sociopath or narcissist, the sociopath says, “Not ME! You are talking about narcissists!

One of the leading traits of a narcissist is that they are pathological liars. Why would you believe anything they say?

I heard a long time ago,

“If a narcissist’s lips are moving, he’s lying.”

Which is another reason therapy doesn’t help them and why therapists don’t agree on the cause, motives, and severity of narcissism; they never get a straight answer from the narcissist.

They are academy award worthy actors. They knew at a very young age they were different than everyone else, so they learned to imitate the emotions of those around them in order to fit in and go undetected. They learned that acting the way they wanted got them in trouble and worked against them. They are usually highly intelligent so figure out they get much further if they pretend to be like everyone else. That is where upbringing plays a major role in how they present themselves, and some are more sophisticated than others.

Look! I don’t really care what label you put on them, there is a type of person out there in the world destroying lives and they all follow the same m.o. The Diagnostic Manual wants to put narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths under the same classification and call them Antisocial Disorder.

People want to break it down even further to Malignant, Covert, Cerebral, and Somatic Narcissist. As far as I am concerned, we give the narcissist far too much attention as it is. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist.

We go looking for answers so we can put our experience, the narcissist in a nice little box and file it away. We think if we can figure out how the narcissist ticks and why he does the things he does, it will help us heal, give us closure.

We think he can give us answers for why he wants to destroy us, the one who loved him unconditionally. Because we do have a conscience, empathy and guilt, we know that for us to treat people that way we would have had to have something truly horrible happen to us. No one acts that way without reason.

You are wrong, narcissists treat people that way without any justification…..because they are narcissists. They know they “hurt” people, but without the ability to feel empathy, hurt, is just a word. Love, is a word they use to manipulate their victims, they have no idea how it feels to truly love someone. In order to truly love someone you have to feel empathy.

Now don’t go crying for the narcissist, feeling sorry for the poor guy who will never know how it feels to love and be loved, doomed to live a lonely loveless life and die alone.

The narcissist actually feels superior to the rest of society. He sees feelings as what makes people weak, it is the thing that enables him to victimize so many people. Why would he want to be like his victims? He thinks his victims are stupid and weak so deserve to be used by him. Every time a victim forgives him he is more disgusted with their gullibility to believe his lies yet again!

So how can you protect yourself? You don’t want to be suspicious all the time. If they are such good actors how on earth can you know until it’s too late? It’s really very simple.

They all seem perfect at first. Not perfect for everyone, but perfect for you.

They think you are perfect, where have you been all their life? They have never known love like the love they have with you.

They push for sex early.

It’s a whirlwind romance. Him rushing to live together or get married. Talking about having kids etc.

He will try to get you to quit your job, move to a new town somehow make you dependent on him.

He usually keeps you away from his family somehow. They are vicious addicts, have always abused his good nature or they don’t like you.

He will point out how disrespectful your kids are to you. How your family doesn’t appreciate you. He just wants to protect you. You are always taking care of everyone else. There probably is a smidgen of truth to it too.

All his ex’s were psycho bitches that are out to get him and destroy him. He will forbid you to talk to them because they will try to turn you against him.

You will discover some lie early on and he will down play it, beg forgiveness and promise it will never happen again.

He will more than likely have money tied up somehow and will try to borrow a bit until the big payoff comes through. He will have money to wine and dine you at first though. He is getting it off some other sucker.

He might have questionable work ethics or credentials.

Often he is new to town so has no long term friends you can meet, he becomes friends with your friends.

Sex is intense and frequent, at first.

Then, all of a sudden, like a switch went off; he is moody, critical, flies into a rage over nothing and you are shocked, don’t understand what you did wrong. He might disappear for days at a time. He will pick a fight and not call or answer your calls for days and then pop back into your life like nothing happened.

If you try to break up with him, he will cry and beg you to give him another chance but things quickly go back to him being moody and angry all the time.

None of this is normal behavior and this is when you exit stage left and cut off all communication. You can NOT talk to him because he will put doubt in your mind. Trust your gut that is telling you something is not right.

For Under A $100 You Can Buy A Replace For Your Narcissist

As anyone who has been involved with a narcissist will tell you, they will bankrupt you financially and emotionally. They are a big black hole that will drain you completely before they move on to their next target. Then just as you are starting to heal, they will pop back into your life to test if they’ve still got “it” and suck you back in for another round of, “pull you close in order to discard you”.

Victims of a narcissist often ask “When will he stop hurting me?” “Why won’t he leave me alone?” “I begged him to leave me alone, why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t love me?”

The answer is very simple, because you let him.

Narcissists are nasty like that. They actually get off on your pain. It’s a huge ego boost to be able to hurt you that badly and be able to suck you back into their toxic web. They do not value your love and loyalty, in fact they are disgusted by it and feel justified to hurt you even worse next time to punish you for your gullibility.

Don’t worry, they will be back as many times as you allow.

I have found the perfect replacement for the narcissist in your life.

The Boyfriend Pillow

https://www.amazon.com/Boyfriend-Pillow-Intimate-Romantic-Companion/dp/B007CPFZ24/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ll1&tag=digestaf-20&linkId=0f94a11ffb53a1438b98593db377c395&language=en_US&th=1&psc=1

You can start with just the pillow for around $35 and once you have had enough time to get to know him and want to take it to the next level you can add a dildo of your choice, for the ultimate boyfriend experience.

If you want the deluxe relationship you can add Alexa (just eliminate the a on the end and call it Alex) to have it all for a fraction of the cost and NO heart ache!!

Ten Reasons Why A Boyfriend Pillow Is Better Than A Narcissist

1. You set the pace of the relationship, no one pushing you for sex too soon or wanting to monopolize your time.

2. You may be thinking “but a pillow or dildo don’t have feelings.” Neither does a narcissist, and a pillow can’t discard you!

3. You always know where your boyfriend pillow is. No more nights wondering where he is, who he’s with and when he will be home.

4. No more sleeping alone while he feeds his addiction to porn, dating sites.

5. Safe sex! You don’t have to worry about getting an STD from a pillow or dildo.

6. You will have great orgasms every time, when YOU want them. No more being forced to have sex whether you want to or not. No more begging for sex and no more being left hanging. (Because let’s face it, most victims of a narcissist will tell you that although sex was fantastic in the beginning, after awhile your pleasure was never considered; unless he was trying to win you back)

7. After the initial cost to purchase your boyfriend pillow, there is no further expense to you. No more lending money that never gets paid back, no more supporting someone who can’t hold a job, no one draining your savings account or taking half your house.

8. Speaking of your house. Its easy to get rid of a boyfriend pillow. They can’t stalk you. They won’t blow up your phone or show up unannounced at your door. If you meet another guy, you can throw the boyfriend pillow and dildo in a box in the attic and it will be there waiting should you ever want it back. No guilt trips, revenge, or bringing up the past.

9. A boyfriend pillow will put his arm around you and just listen for as long as you need without interrupting. Will never tell you that you’re wrong to feel what you are feeling or blame you for your own pain.

10. If you go for the deluxe boyfriend package and get “Alex” you will have someone who will make reservations, book trips, change the music (to songs you want to listen to), turn the lights out and lock the doors. All things you probably had to do when you were with the narcissist. Plus an added bonus; you only have to pay for one when you travel or dine, instead of two.

That doesn’t include all the things any woman could appreciate.

– when you come home after a long day the house is in the exact condition you left it. No dirty dishes scattered through the house, no muddy foot prints on the freshly washed floors.

– only one extra shirt to wash, dry and iron

– no wet towels on the floor or bed

– no dirty clothes laying around

– the toilet seat is never left up

– no whiskers or tooth paste left in the sink (unless you leave them there)

– no one farting, reading in the bathroom, or missing the toilet bowl, using the last of the toilet roll and not replacing it (or putting it on the wrong way)

An added bonus, the boyfriend pillow will always hold a crying baby while you get a bottle ready.

A dog is great (and I would never trade Stella for a pillow) but a dog does restrict a person’s lifestyle, many places don’t allow pets, and they can be expensive.

I think I am onto something here.

Tell me what you think!

* Disclaimer. I love men, I have a son (but then he is perfect) and know many men who I like or love alot! This is meant to be light hearted and to make you smile.

Definition Of A Strong Independent Woman

I think many people are confused about the traits of a strong independent woman.

They see a woman who’s outspoken, in your face, and will tell you exactly what they think of you, and think she is a strong woman. So many victims will say they need to tell the narcissist what they think of him so he doesn’t think they are weak or that he won.

There are alot of people who view victims of domestic abuse as being weak and needy, when often times the opposite is true.

I had someone say I am “just like your mother”, strong and independent. I was shocked! and said as much; “my mother is opinionated and judgemental, but she is far from strong and independent. I have known women who will give a man shit using language like the proverbial logger. I’ve known women who will make demands of those around her and not back down because she thinks she deserves their compliance and “respect”. Women who will argue, loudly! and angrily because they must always be right, (even though they don’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about). They will declare someone a loser, stupid, or an asshole based on superficial appearances, or consider someone successful based on outward appearances.

Usually this type of person is in fact quite insecure and very dependent on the approval of others and their opinions tend to change with popular opinion. They are not narcissists but often times they end up inadvertently being the flying monkeys of the narcissist. They are dangerous, because they don’t stand by their convictions or their convictions aren’t based on facts or educated.

A truly strong woman is not in your face, she is not judgemental and makes her decisions about people based on her own experience and gut instincts. A strong woman will stand by her convictions because she has formed them after educating herself and personal experience. She is willing to listen to an opposing opinion without attacking the other person, because her opinion is based on her experience and knowledge and she is confident in her decisions. She will defend her position calmly with facts and isn’t threatened by someone disagreeing with her.

A strong woman doesn’t make rash decisions and weighs the facts.

A strong woman doesn’t go with popular opinion and has strong moral convictions. She defends the people she cares about and will have your back no matter what. She may not have many friends, because she takes the job of “friend” very seriously. She is a loyal and devoted partner who will “stand by her man” when many less strong women would have walked away.

A strong woman isn’t with a man for his money or because she needs a man to take care of her. She is there because of love and will sacrifice her own resources and security because she is confident she can recoup any losses and she doesn’t gauge a person’s value on what they have.

What hurt me far more than being hit by my ex was, the people I loved and trusted the most in my life turning against me because they thought I was weak. (Besides the fact that family of all people especially should be there for you when you are feeling weak)

What they were calling weak was the same self sacrifice and loyalty they had taken for granted from me for years. The same strength they had grown to rely on when their lives fell apart or they had no one in their corner.

A strong woman gets on with life and will prove over and over again what she is made of, without saying a word.

Don’t allow the narcissist to bait you into becoming the psycho vindictive bitch he says you are.

It was when I gave up trying to defend myself and accepted that I only had control over my own actions and not the actions or opinions of the narc or the people who believed his lies, that I was able to find peace. When I made the conscious decision to always live true to my core self and to hell with the rest of the world is when my life started to fall into place.

I didn’t want to remain a victim so I didn’t make it part of my identity. I decided a couple of years ago to just carry on, being me, living honestly, true to my core self; more than ever before in my life. Of course I care what people think of me, I want people to like me, but it doesn’t affect how I operate, I remain true to me.

The other day I was telling a couple of women I have known for about 3 years about being in an abusive relationship because I felt it was relevant to our discussion about the trailer I am fixing up. I didn’t think they thought I was weak, I think the information just gave their opinion of me more depth.

The thing is; I know I am not weak. That knowledge is my secret power. It is that knowledge that puts a smile on my face when someone under estimates what I am capable of.

I always thought I was strong, I had gone through some stuff in my life that alot of people never have to face and I did it with calm control at a young age. I knew I had the strength within me to handle the situation and at those times I had family support also. But I discovered how tremendously strong I am when I faced something I didn’t think I could survive and made it through, totally on my own. Some people never discover how strong they actually are.

The first thought and the first thing I say to a woman who tells me she just left an abuser after, say; 20 plus years is, “You must be an incredibly strong woman.” Not just to leave, but to have stayed 20 years.

I compare it to my dog, Stella. I find it interesting that she is the most nonaggressive dog at the dog park. She stands there observing. Some dogs are just assholes, they will pick up every dog in the park, regardless of size, but they never ever pick up Stella.

There are other dogs that will roll over and show their belly in submission the minute some dog shows them aggression. Stella never shows her belly.

The minute she sees a dog being picked on she wades in and gets in their face barking. If they don’t stop she blocks them with her body and as a last resort she will get her legs around the bully, throw them down and lay on them until they submit.

She never looks for confrontation but she is fearless when it happens. We were walking the other day and there was car parked with a couple in it. The guy was loudly giving the woman shit. Stella was very concerned about it and kept stopping and turning back to look at the car. After the 3rd time I told her, “Ok. Let’s go check it out”. And let her lead the way. She walked straight up to the driver’s door of the car and stared at the man and I stood on the sidewalk watching. The guy stopped yelling and looked at Stella, “Hey Buddy”, he said and then looked at me, looking at him. He stopped yelling and we went on our way.

And you know what? Everyone loves Stella.

My point is this; don’t allow your head or anyone else convince you that you are not strong. A truly strong person is not afraid to show vulnerability and be themselves because they know; whatever comes their way, they will survive it.

Also, you need to realize that the narcissist didn’t take anything from you that you didn’t give away. You always were in control and could have left any time. To confront the narcissist is not going to prove you are strong, it is only going to prove he still has control over your emotions.

Do you have an accurate view of what makes a strong woman?

How Do You Know If You Are You Being Tracked?

Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing for sure without going to alot of expense and even then, you won’t know for sure.

In November it will be 8 years since I left my ex, and I know he had a tracking device on my vehicle before I left. So this is not new technology and it is even further advanced than this video warns. I know!

All they have to do is call your phone and you return their call. The minute your phone connects with his phone, just his voice mail; he has access to all your information.

I was diligent about not answering any calls from numbers I didn’t recognize but I had started a new job and I got lots of calls from numbers I didn’t know. I had seen the call come in and not answered. I checked my messages but they didn’t leave a message. I debated, should I return the call? Or not?

I stopped for smokes at the Husky Gas Station around the corner where I lived and decided to return the call.

After all, I hadn’t heard a word from my ex in a year and 1/2.

I was entering a new exciting phase of my life, just gotten a new job, just signed a rent-to-own agreement and moved into a sweet cabin on a lake and I had to stop being paranoid.

I punched in the numbers, it rang twice and then I heard his voice telling me to leave a message.

I dropped my phone like an electrical shock had travelled the phone lines and hung up as quickly as I could without saying a word.

Immediately my mind exploded with questions, “Why did he call and not leave a message?” “Why would he call and then not answer when I called back?”, “What is he up to?”. I never got another call from that number and I never called it again and I tried to just put it out of my mind.

I suspected he had hacked into my phone when strata counsel where I lived started getting annonymous complaints about me as did my landlord and boss. Plus my (new to me) truck broke down.

It was all very dejavu….. I told myself to not be paranoid, anyone I told that I suspected he had somehow hacked into my phone, acted like I was paranoid.

I took my phone to the store where I bought it, they checked it and said there was no way it had been hacked into, there was no tracking app installed on it and to be safe just shut off my GPS.

Once they have access to your phone they have total access to ALL the information and apps on your phone. You can shut your phone OFF and they can turn it on without you ever knowing. It can be off, sitting beside you and they can access your GPS.

While still with him, with his sister in my truck right beside me as a witness; my phone started playing this John Mayer song popular at the time. It would play the same song at random times during the day and wouldn’t stop until I took out the battery and rebooted my phone. If you don’t know the song here are the words;

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I’ve been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring
Oh half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart
I was made to believe I’d never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, ’till the day you came
Showing me a another way and all that my love can bring
Oh half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can’t stop loving you
(I can’t stop loving you)
I can’t stop loving you
(I can’t stop loving you)
I can’t stop loving you with half of my
Half of my heart
Oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart’s got a real good imagination
Half of my heart’s got you
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won’t do
Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding
To a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man
Who’s never truly loved anything
Songwriters: John Mayer

You can see that having this song randomly play throughout the day was a total mind fuck when I am packing to leave him. No one would have believed me, thank God his sister was with me everyday and witnessed the bizarre events but then people thought we were both crazy!

At least I knew I wasn’t crazy, I finally had a witness to the bizarre things, the “coincidents” that kept happening.

– how he never ever got home before me but would arrive within 15 minutes of me getting home. I even used to get home and leave if he wasn’t there trying to get home after him.

– how even though I bought two new batteries for my truck and had my whole charging system checked the batteries were dead every morning. (She marked the batteries with a permanent marker. Sure enough they had been switched out)

– he always seemed to know exactly what we did and talked about every day.

– he would just happen to show up where ever I was.

– she was the one who found the wire leading from his shop to a receiving device under the trailer where we lived.

– she was there with me in the truck when we heard a man’s voice coming from the glove box. Kato even cocked his head and stared at the glove box, his sister tore the glove box apart but found nothing. My ex had said he was putting a new radio in my truck just a week prior but it was exactly the same as my old one and once he was done the heater stopped working. We had laughed at how he had screwed up the heater but then we put 2 and 2 together and figured he must have put some sort of transmitter in the truck and we must have picked up some air waves of someone’s cell phone or baby monitor or something. I don’t know enough about it to know all the intricate details, I just know he was listening.

Unfortunately, most victims don’t have a witness and when they tell people they aren’t believed because it sounds so far fetched. The police want solid proof not a “feeling” and the narcissist is so good at playing the victim going to the police becomes futile. People think you are paranoid and even you start to doubt your sanity.

After the episode when I returned his call the mechanic where I worked put a new deck on my truck. He came to me with something tiny in his hand and and asked, “Do you have someone who would be stalking you?”

My stomach lurched, “Why?”

He looked and at the thing in his hand, “Do you know what this is?”

Me, “No.”

Him, “It’s a tracking device. I found it under your deck.”

Me, “That little thing? How would he attach it, where was it?”

Him, “It’s magnetic. All he has to do is walk past your truck and slap it under your deck. 2 minutes. And you never know it’s there unless you know what to look for. Even then, I only saw it when I took your deck off.”

I told him about the strange phone call and how I had been getting anonymous complaints to strata etc. He nodded knowingly, “Sure” he said matter of factly. “They call and hang up. If you don’t receive any other calls before you return the call he is automatically connected to your phone, camera, apps, music, whatever. And the kicker is; even if you shut your phone off, if it is in the room with you he can see and hear everything.

I have had a drone outside my window. There are drones capable of crashing your laptop so it never works again. I know!!

I got sick of trying to get people to believe me. I am sure my own family thought I was nuts, I just gave up trying, it made me sound crazy and paranoid.

People say, “Who would do something like that? Why?”

I’ll tell you who does something like that; a psychopath does that. Why? Because he is a psychopath that’s why. And it’s a safe bet it is not in your best interest.

But does a narcissist do something like that? Look. There will be a bunch of narcissist who will tell you that they would never do something like that, they don’t care enough about what their partner or ex is doing to bother.

1. Narcissists are pathological liars, if their lips are moving, they are lying

2. Narcissists never admit to anything, deny deny deny

3. All psychopaths are narcissistic so it is all but impossible for even professional therapists to know the difference. Their traits are so intertwined; by the time you figure out your “run of the mill” narcissist is actually a psychopath; it’s too late and you’re in a fight for your life.

At this point a bunch of psychopaths are wildly typing comments about how they are not killers and I don’t know what the hell I am talking about.

I won’t argue with a psychopath or narcissist; I don’t make random assumptions or state something is fact unless I have experienced it myself or done a lot of research. I fact check everything I type.

Watch some ID TV, Fatal Vows, Sleeping With the Enemy, The Killer You Know, all true stories.

Google search, “How to track my wife”.

“How to get any woman to do anything you want”

“How to hack my wife’s phone”

Do not doubt your gut instincts. Don’t let him guilt you into giving him the benefit of doubt. Your life is hanging in the balance. And No, I am not being melodramatic or an alarmist.