Category Archives: Leaving a Narcissist

One Day Into Living Your Wholehearted Life

You may not feel it right now, but today is the first day you start living your life on your terms, honestly, without apology. Doesn’t that sound lovely? To just live true to your core self, with your whole heart and be loved for exactly who you are. Have you ever been loved for being exactly who you are? Just the way you are without having to change anything?

I watched Jane Fonda interviews for hours yesterday, if you don’t have anything to do today I highly recommend watching a few. I’ve always admired her because she was radical, brave, and appeared so confident, an activist, speaking out for the underdog, using her celebrity to do good and as a platform to speak for those without a voice.

Then I find out she was terribly insecure, bulemic, a people pleaser who at the age of 60 decided to find her true self and be the person she was always meant to be and not the person she was told she “should” be.

I love this quote from her, it goes something like this;

“we aren’t meant to be perfect,

we are meant to be whole.”

I won’t go into her whole story, it took several interviews to get the full scope of her life, but I found myself feeling a kinship with her. She is this huge star, raised with extreme privilege, constantly surrounded by famous people and money and she had the same insecurities I did growing up. She was bulemic, like I was, well into her adulthood. Her identity came from the man she was with. She’s been married 3 times like me, and isn’t embarrassed to admit it. She is so down to earth, so giving, and speaks honestly about her mistakes, personal growth and her journey to living true to her core self.

She shared that she left her 3rd husband even though she really loved him, and still does; because she knew if she stayed she would never find out who she was meant to be. She moved in with her son and said she was the most broken she had ever been, in unimaginable pain, and it propelled her on a search to find out who she was.

She researched her parents and their baggage which helped her understand why they parented the way they did. She discovered she had been living her whole life trying to be the person she was told she should be and always feeling she was failing.

That is the same thing I have discovered. When you keep trying to be someone you are not, you live in fear of people seeing through the facade and finding out you’re a fake. You rely on the approval of others for your self worth.

I remember thinking after leaving my ex that I had never been Carrie. I had been somebody’s daughter, somebody’s wife, Kristofer’s mother, even the Lady Witha Truck, the daycare lady, but I didn’t know who Carrie was.

It is such a freeing feeling to figure out who you are and that you like her. I am not perfect, and I hope people love me but I don’t really care if they don’t. I can’t go back to pretending, I want to keep discovering myself, growing and become my best self. I plan on continuing to grow until I die.

Jane Fonda said she thinks, as I do; that a person has to be broken and in extreme pain before they try to fix themselves by finding their core self.

I implore you to take this rare opportunity to explore your inner true self and vow to make 2021 you year to become Wholehearted. Some powerful women are speaking out about finding inner peace by discovering who they were meant to be. It is the only way you can ever reach your full potential, be loved for being you, and find inner peace.

When you live a Wholehearted life you automatically become a better parent, find your perfect job, more confident, shed guilt and shame, eat healthier, sleep better and attract good authentic people into your life.

Try it, what have you got to lose?

Happy Day one of 2021.

Hugs❤️

Breaking Up Can Be Like A Bad Hangover

Those of you who have ever done alot of partying will be able to relate to waking up in the morning with a hangover. You aren’t sure what you did, you thought you were having fun at the time but you wake up full of regret, self doubt, and generally feeling physically ill, shame filled and drained.

To make yourself feel better you eat a big greasy breakfast, maybe you call friends for reassurance, and you curl up on the couch and watch cartoons. Another “cure” for a hangover is to have the “hair of the dog” or have another drink. Having another drink WILL make you feel better, for awhile, but eventually, you are going to have to sober up and deal with the hang over. If you don’t sober up, you are setting yourself on a destructive path that will only get worse.

A smart person, goes out for a walk, gets some fresh air and exercise, eats healthy food, and surrounds themselves with healthy people.

When you break up with a narcissist you need to do things that are good for you. To call him, see him, have any contact whatsoever, is like having the hair of the dog; you’ll feel better for awhile but eventually you are going to have to go through the pain, you are just reopening the wound over and over again.

An alcoholic gravitates to other drinkers and feels uncomfortable with nondrinkers. When you are involved with a toxic person you gravitate to other toxic people and victims of toxic people because you feel too uncomfortable in the company of healthy people.

Your mind, values, morals, and boundaries have become blurred and you have to keep reminding yourself that right now you need to heal your heart, mind and soul before you make any decisions.

To start dating again right away is not going to help you heal, it’s like a drinker who quits drinking beer and only drinks wine. You’re just switching crutches and not fixing the problem. It will be a problem down the road.

You have a choice to make once you make the decision to leave and that is; how do you want to go forward? Do you want to heal and find happiness or are you wanting to continue with these type of relationships, from toxic man to toxic man? If you don’t take the time to grow and get better you take a very big chance you will meet someone the same or worse.

The damage compiles, it doesn’t go away, you end up taking the baggage from one toxic relationship into the next relationship. If the next relationship isn’t toxic, your baggage just may turn it toxic for you and the other person.

Healing takes time. Make 2021 your year to heal and get healthy. With Covid restrictions it’s not the time to be meeting too many people but it’s the perfect time to work on becoming a better you.

Finding Inner Peace When Your World Is Falling Apart

After leaving my ex I felt empty and hopeless, I had never felt so broken, I can’t even describe the pain. I wanted to beg him, I did beg him at one point, something I had never done with any man. I had no pride left because I felt I had nothing left to lose, I had invested everything I had into the relationship. All I could see in my future was unhappiness, loneliness, poverty, and regret.

My mind was constantly rehashing every aspect of our relationship, I spent hours on the internet trying to find out what my ex was doing, hooked on trying to figure him out and expose his lies. I obsessed about “if only”, “what if”, and I envisioned how happy he was with “her” and how she was getting everything and more than I had wished for and deserved. I relived the relationship day in and day out. He was in my dreams (nightmares), and my every waking thought. I couldn’t talk about anything else, my pain ached through my whole body. I just wanted out of my body, I had panic attacks, desperate to stop the pain.

At times I felt like I was trudging through quick sand, no matter how I struggled to get out of it, I only sunk deeper. Other times it felt more like I was being battered by the ocean, I would break through the surface, gasp for air, get hit by another wave crashing down on me that pulled me under, bashed me against the rocks, until I didn’t know which way was up. I would see the light, break through the surface again, gasp another breath, only to get pulling down again.

Yesterday I had YouTube playing on the tv while I painted and as happens, I went from watching Oprah Soul Sunday to a few hours later watching Eckhart Tolle. Then I remembered how listening to him had helped me stop my mind and find inner peace. Here is a quote of his;

Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.

Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

Yesterday he was asked by a member of his audience what the catalyst was to him finding Inner Peace and he said it was different for everyone. But most people reach a point of “hitting rock bottom”, hating their lives, themselves, of in his case, wanting to die because he couldn’t stand being unhappy any longer. That is where I was, I couldn’t go any lower without dying. While taking a course on being a life coach the class was asked to think of a time we felt like a failure. I answered, “I woke up and realized my suicide attempt failed.” There isn’t much lower than that. Compounding was feelings of worthlessness was my ex, who; when I told him I had failed in my attempt to kill myself told me to try again because “no man would ever want a suicidal, paranoid, bitch like me.”  It was then, that I fully realized; I was responsible for my own healing, and my worst enemy was/is the voice in my head telling me lies, lies I had been told my whole life.

I became acutely aware of what my mind was saying and started sorting out the truth from lies. The negative voices, my mother’s voice, “you can’t make money doing that, if you could, someone would be doing it already”, “what are you going to do now? You can’t survive”, “you always were too (fill in the blank)”, “that’s nice (my painting) but no one will pay money for it”. That is until I started selling my stuff in a popular antique store and her classy friends were raving about how talented I was.

I knew, if I wanted peace of mind; I had to stop ruminating over; what others thought of me, what might happen in the future, what I could have done differently in the past, how much I had lost, and all the other things I had no control over. I had to start living my life as purely and honestly as I could, every day. If I slipped one day, I could always start over tomorrow morning. All I had was this moment and I was never going to find happiness anywhere but in my own mind.

Life is a series of lessons, either we learn them or we end up stuck and angry, sad, and resentful our whole life. No matter how carefully we plan, or how hard we wish, life is going to happen and we can flow with it or fight it all the way. It is when we fight it that we lose our inner peace.

90% of what we worry about never comes to pass. When faced with a choice or dilemma and people around us demand we make a decision, is when we make poor choices. Decisions made under duress are the ones we often regret. We should never do anything that doesn’t sit well in our gut. I have learned that the best thing to do when you don’t know what to do; is nothing.

“Nothing!!!?? How can you do nothing? I need to fix the problem”

No, you don’t. If the answer doesn’t come easily to you, if you have to canvas friends and family to see what you should do,  you need to do nothing. Try it, more than half the time the problem solves itself or an answer becomes obvious. For example; my mother had a friend who wanted to rent out his basement. It didn’t have a kitchen or private entrance, it was just a bedroom, bathroom and bar fridge with a hot plate, but they would allow Stella. She really wanted me to take it.

In her mind it was the answer to my homelessness problem. (Because living with her with my dog was totally out of the question. Not that I had asked to live with her and was living in my car, sleeping in her carport sometimes, but that didn’t look good if her friends found out.)

I went to see it. They seemed like a nice couple but I didn’t immediately jump on it. My mother made a deal of $500/month with me doing the yard work. I was getting $700 a month on government assistance, I had heart failure, my heart was functioning at 17%. I couldn’t afford $500 a month and couldn’t promise my health would allow for me to physically do all the yard work. Besides that, their big tv was downstairs and he said he’d be coming downstairs to watch his sports and to practice his singing because he belonged to a barbershop quartet.

I was polite when we left, thanked them very much and said I’d get back to them, but needed to think about it. My mother was pissed! It was perfect! I was being stupid and stubborn not snapping it up. What was I going to do? She had gone to the trouble to arrange this, what would they think if I didn’t take it? I gave her my reasons for being hesitant, I would have no privacy, no kitchen and most importantly, I couldn’t afford $500/month and it wasn’t worth $500 a month and I couldn’t DO the yard because of my health.

A few days later the family was invited to my mom and step dad’s for Mother’s Day supper. When I arrived my brother immediately started in on me about not taking this golden opportunity mother had found for me. That I was being selfish and crazy to not jump at it. After all beggars can’t be choosers. I tried to explain why I was hesitant but mom had obviously already made his mind up. I decided I was NOT going to succumb to pressure no matter what, I didn’t feel at peace about it. At dinner my mom sat down and said to me, in her most cheerful phoney voice,  “Did you tell your brother about your new place to live?” I said, “There was no need, you had already filled him in.” She denied it. I said, “oh for God’s sake mother! Stop with the lies! I am so sick of you talking behind people’s backs trying to manipulate things the way you want them. I am done! Stop trying to pressure me into making a decision. I told you I need time to decide and I can’t afford $500 a month.” She looked hurt, (Fuck!!)”But where will you live?” 

I walked out and drove home. I stopped at the gas station close to my mom and contemplated going back, but I knew it would be because I felt guilty, not because I was sorry.

The next day I called the friend of my mother and told him I appreciated him offering me the basement but I had to be honest; there was no way I could afford $500 a month, couldn’t do the yard work because of my health and didn’t feel comfortable about him coming downstairs to watch TV, I am a very private person.

He asked how much I could afford and I told him the government allots $350/month for rent. He said that would be ok and he said he would move the tv upstairs and not watch it downstairs. I agreed to move in and ended up living there almost 2 years. He ended up reducing the rent to $200/month and my health improved so I could do some yard work. I still didn’t like living there but it enabled me to get back on my feet.

Without going into my mother’s upbringing and the demons in her head, her need to control everyone and everything has contributed to some of the worst mistakes I have made. It has taken me most of my life to learn to trust my gut and ability to make good choices.

So many times we get so focused on what we think we must have that we totally miss out on great opportunities right under our nose. We try to make things, people, cooperate with what we want to happen, what we think will make us happy. And we have this “anything worth having is worth fighting for” mentality when we should look at it from the point of view of, “when you have to compromise your core self in order to make something happen, maybe it’s not meant to be.” And never ever make decisions when you are in panic mode.

We all need to look at the under lying reason we feel panicked. Often times it’s ego driven. As with my mother, her need to find me a place to live had very little to do with concern for me and more to do with what her friends think of her. Her need to be thought of as a caring person, her embarrassment over her daughter being homeless. She was prepared to put me in the position of not being able to pay my rent just to save face.

When we split from the narcissist he always rejects us, even if we are the ones to leave and even if we know it is for the best; the minute he rejects us our ego kicks in. The narcissist almost always find the “love of his life” immediately after the split and our ego tells us there must be something wrong with us. When he blames us for the demise of the relationship, it our ego that needs to be proven right. When people believe his lies about us, it’s our ego that needs to prove him wrong. When we should know that true friends wouldn’t believe him and we have nothing to prove. We should live true to our core self and not concern ourselves with what others think of us. “what other people think of us is none of our business”. We don’t like everyone we meet, it’s egotistical to expect everyone we meet to like us.

It’s egotistical to think we are the ultimate woman that any and all men want, able to please every man, nor should we want to please every man.