Category Archives: Love

The Tools Of A Narcissist

Imagine if you will; you’ve been on your own for almost a year, or maybe it’s even been a couple of years; however long it’s been since you left the narcissist who feasted on your heart and you are finally whole.

You’ve done alot of hard work putting the pieces of your life together, you have found a new you under all the pain and confusion. You are feeling stronger and you’ve set new healthy boundaries, no man is ever going to have that control over you again.

You’ve been dating, nothing too serious and you doubt you will ever meet another man who will stir up the passion you had with the narcissist. But that’s ok because it was that passion that brought you to your knees and made you sacrifice everything.

Life is ok and you are ok with just ok. No passion, but no emotional roller coaster either.

Then, the phone rings. You check call display, it’s become a habit, he hasn’t called in months, a year? You used to count the hours, days, since you last talked to him but it’s been so long you’ve lost count. Your heart stops, it’s him. You stare at the phone, your mind races; you wonder why he’s calling now, what could he possibly say now, remember; “curiosity killed the cat”.

Oh but damn, it’s so hard to put that phone down and walk away. You’re stronger now, you just want to see what he has to say, you think this is your chance to tell him what you really think of him, you’re on to his games, he won’t be able to suck you back into his web of bullshit this time. You know what you are dealing with this time. And……you answer.

Hello?

Him in his soft, I couldn’t hurt a fly, soaked in honey voice,”Baby, I was afraid you wouldn’t answer. I don’t know if I should call or not, I just wanted to hear your voice. I need to know if you are ok.”

You, “You shouldn’t have called.”

Him, “Sorry. But it is really good to hear your voice.” he laughs nervously. “Are you doing ok?”

You’re forcing yourself to not smile. (He said it was good to hear your voice!! Heart get out of my throat) “I am doing good, no thanks to you! You really hurt me, left me with nothing but your shit and bills to clean up.”

Him in an even softer voice, “I know, and I am SO sorry. I will pay you back, that’s partly why I am calling. I’m finally making some decent money and you’re the first person I felt guilty about, I HAVE to try to make things right. I can’t live with myself knowing I hurt you……..I know I didn’t tell you enough, but you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

You are thrown off guard. He just admitted he did you wrong, he just basically apologized, he never admitted fault before! What’s going on?

He continues, “Look, I know you have every reason to not believe me and I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want to disrupt your life, I know I screwed it up and I have to live with my mistakes and the fact that it’s my fault I lost the only woman who ever really loved me and understood me, my soul mate. I just want the opportunity to at least pay you back.”

You, “I guess that would be ok. But I am seeing someone and have a new life now.”

Him, “I understand. You have found someone else. As long as you are happy, you deserve to be happy. I hope he treats you like the queen you are.”

You, “He’s a nice guy.”

Him, “Can I call you again?”

You, “I guess.”

Him with a sigh of relief, “Thank you Babe, that’s all I can ask of you. Thank you!”

You, “No biggie”. You are struggling to keep calm and sound indifferent but your mind is screaming, “What the hell is going on??!”

You, “Ok, well I should probably go.”

Him, “of course. I’m sorry to babble. I’ve missed you.”

You, “I used to miss you too.”

Him, “Babe?.”

You, “Yeah.”

Him, “There’s a song that always makes me think of you, Do You Drink About Me, just wanted you to know, it’s probably silly, forget I said anything. Sorry. I’ll let you go.” And in a barely audible whisper you think you hear him say, “I love you….”

*Click*

You, “Alexa? Play  Do You Drink About Me.

DON’T GO DOWN THAT RABBIT HOLE!!!

He has accomplished exactly what he set out to do. 

1. Get you thinking about him, wondering why he called now, what does he want, did he really say “I love you”, is he really sorry, has he changed??!!

2. Make you doubt yourself. 

3. Remind you that it wasn’t all bad.

4. Remind you of the passion and connection you had in the beginning.

5. Open the door, even a crack so he can slither back into your life.

And slither he will, just like the snake that he is. Once he is back in your life it won’t take long before you will be right back where you were. 

He’ll leave you alone for a few days, maybe send a text saying how good it was to hear your voice.

Then the next day, another text. “Have you listened to our song yet? I just heard it and thought of you.” (Notice now it is our song)

That night, “Still drinking of you. Goodnight Babe. Sweet dreams. I’ll be dreaming of you.”

Oh you would have to be a hard hearted Hannah to not start to weaken.

This is why No Contact is so vitally important. 

My next post. What To Do When The Narcissist Says All The Right Things.

 

Advertisements

Relationship Goals

 

http://www.iheartradio.ca/news/watch-bradley-cooper-lady-gaga-sing-shallow-in-vegas-1.8696604

If you haven’t seen the new “A Star Is Born”, you really need to. Once you do, you will join the millions of women around the world who want a love like Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga.

Come on, don’t deny it, even if you know it isn’t reality, there is this part of you that secretly wants that kind of passion, a love that can’t be denied, a love so strong, you forgive and forget over and over again.

Almost every victim of a narcissist will tell you that the narcissist is the love of their life, they are soul mates, and a love like that doesn’t come along everyday, you don’t just walk away from that kind of love. Anyone who tells you to be”just walk away and go no contact” doesn’t understand the intense love you have for each other. You will never find another love like this.

I have heard from hundreds of women; it was the most romantic, intense, whirlwind relationship they’ve ever had. They felt like they were in a romance movie. I remember thinking, “I thought this kind of love only happened in the movies”. A person doesn’t just walk away, from that feeling. The victim is in love with loving that person.

A narcissist is an academy award winning actor. It is no accident that you feel you are in a Oscar winning movie, some of the lines the narcissist fed you probably came straight from some movie, word for word.

A narcissist doesn’t have any true feelings, they study and imitate other people. Right now narcissists every where are watching women swoon over Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga, the way they stare into each other’s eyes, the intensity, the forbidden love they can’t deny, and they are probably practicing in front of a mirror.

When you meet the narcissist you feel like you have met your Bradley Cooper.

Even if at first you don’t really like him that much, it is a hard hearted Hannah who can walk away from a man who looks at them that way, who thinks you are the sexiest woman he has ever met, who’s touch sends electrical shocks through your body.

Since we were little girls we’ve been read stories about the prince who rides in and carries us away to live happily ever after, we’ve watched movies like Pretty Woman, Officer and A Gentleman, A Star Is Born, Dirty Dancing, to name just a few; and we dream of someday finding that kind of love.

When I met my ex the intensity made me pull away at first, I didn’t believe anyone fell in love that quickly. I struggled with feelings of wanting to run in the opposite direction because I hate love sick puppies and telling myself it’s ok if a man loves you more than you love him. For once in your life let a man take care of you, don’t be so damned independent, let your guard down and enjoy the moment.

When, after making love for the 3rd time that day; my ex stared into my eyes, pulled me close and held me like his life line; and with tears spilling onto his cheeks whispered, “I think I’ve fallen in love with you”. My heart filled with love for him and I thought to myself, “You have to be very careful to not hurt him”.

A year later I was thinking, “I don’t care if he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, as long as I can have him in my life, I will be happy.”

It’s what makes strong, self sufficient, intelligent women weak in the knees, willing to forgive the unforgivable and do seemingly stupid things.

It’s not that they can’t walk away, they don’t want to walk away. It’s the one thing they can’t do for themselves, they don’t need a man to provide for them, slay dragons for them, buy them a castle, or fix anything for them; they can do all that! But, to be loved just the way you are, to have a man look into your soul and love you like neither of you have ever loved before, or will again. To find your soul mate, find passion, is something a person can’t buy or fake, (or so we think).

I admit, even after experiencing my fairytale romance shattering into pieces; I still look at Bradley Cooper’s eyes when he looks at Lady Gaga, and I desperately want to believe.

And that is why, ladies and gentlemen; women stay.

There were times when my ex seemed genuinely baffled I was angry about catching him in a lie. He was giving me the fantasy, he was saying all the right things, why was I not happy? He didn’t understand why it mattered what he did with other women in other towns as long as he pretended to be faithful to me. As long as he called me every night,professed his love, told me how much he missed me and was going to bed early and alone; what did it matter if he was with another woman professing his love for her? To him, feelings were an obscure concept. How can you understand feelings if you are unable to feel?

But for the victim, the idea that someone could fake such intensity is impossible. But think about it, crying at the movies, if actors can make you believe, so can a narcissist.

Bradley and Gaga made a love movie, they acted in love and we fell for it. We want to believe.

“OMG, How Stupid Can She Be?”

My mom and I watched “Dirty John” on Netflix the other night. My mother kept saying how stupid Debra was to continue seeing John. I kept reminding her of the one thing people forget; that at the time it is happening the victim is not privy to what is going on behind the scenes.

When people watch the movie or even when the victim tries to explain what happened; they have the benefit of already knowing the person is an abusive narcissist, they know basically how the story ends.

No victim would have stayed had they seen the movie and knew how it would end.

I suppose they have to make the movie that way to show the audience the full story, but there really should be 2 movies, one simply showing what the victim saw and then a version showing what was truly going on.

You also have to understand what the victim has been through in their life and the dialogue playing in her head, before anyone can judge and say, “It would never happen to me.”

Like Debra, I had been a single mom for years, met some real losers, and had always been responsible, worked full time, bent over backwards for the people I loved and I was tired!

Like Debra and her daughter, my teenage son was giving me grief with his attitude.

Through the years and any relationship I had I was the main bread winner, the home owner, the reliable one, the peace keeper, and care taker. I had been told by men I dated that I was “too independent”. I watched girl friends meet guys who wanted to take care of them and spoil them. I was told I didn’t give the nice guys a chance because if a guy was clingy I dumped him. I hated love struck puppies.

In the months prior to meeting my ex, my 3rd marriage had failed, I lost my home and everything I had worked for the past 20 years and my ex claimed backruptcy, so I lost my pristine credit rating also. I had started a new job making $10/hr instead of the $17 I was used to. My son had quit school and I had lost all control of him.

I was done! I was tired, my face had broken out in acne for the first time in my life from nerves, my son treated me with disrespect, I was drinking too much, I felt defeated.

My mother owned a small cabin at a lake where I had once owned a cabin. I asked to rent it and she said I could take over the mortgage payments on it and any equity in it would be my inheritance. She had given my brother approximately the same amount when he bought his first house. We agreed to keep it in her name because my STB ex was going bankrupt and we didn’t want to take the chance of me losing the cabin.

I was to pay $650/month mortgage payment, which, on $10/hr; was hard enough to cover but there was a lease payment every year and property taxes totalling a couple thousand dollars.

I felt like that poster you used to see every where a few years ago, of the kitten clinging to the end of a rope by its claws. My mom was remarried to a man with money and they were traveling the world. She had only ever dreamed of a life like that and she was having the time of her life and understandably, didn’t want anything or anyone to burst her bubble.

My mother was calling me daily to complain about my son. As is typical in small communities, people gossip, everyone knows everyone’s business and she was hearing about my son’s activities.

I had to work and had no control of him during the day, his father said,”you wanted him, you got him, deal with it”. When I asked for help.

I was a prime target for the charms of a narcissist. The story book romance, my knight in shining armor, a man who made me feel sexy, alive, and like everything about me was perfect.

I wasn’t looking for love, I was looking to have a good time, but like they say, “When you stop looking for love, when you least expect it, love will walk into your life.”

Going Commando

As promised he called when he got off work and we arranged to meet to move his car.

I got there before him but he called to say he was only 10 minutes away. I was standing beside my car when he pulled in. He saw me and smiled, flashing me a peace symbol. (Who gives a peace symbol in 1999?)

Oh well, no one’s perfect.

He pulled up, rolled down his window, and immediately started apologizing for being late. I couldn’t help notice his bare chest, he was wearing the same black leather jacket, with only the bottom snap done up. I knew I was staring but couldn’t pull my gaze away, slightly tanned, just a bit of curly chest hair and a 6 pack. I am sure my mouth was hanging open.

He followed my gaze, and casually shrugged, “Oh……my shirt got dirty at work today so I took it off.”

I felt my cheeks getting warm, a tingling in my stomach that radiated down between my legs, I could feel myself getting wet.

I am sure I looked like a lobotomy patient and the voice in my head kept telling me to close my mouth before I started to drool.

He grinned, (he knew the effect he was having on me) jumped out of the car and said he needed something out of the trunk. I forced myself to look anywhere but at his chest, I actually feared I might reach out and touch him. When he turned his back to me, I rolled my eyes and almost laughed out loud, DAMN!! (His jeans were ripped revealing the boy went commando.)

To myself “You are done girlfriend. This boy knows exactly what he is doing and you are falling for it! Shame on you! But if I get a chance I am screwing this guy’s brains out.”

An argument started in my head.

Good girl me, “God, get a grip! He knows exactly what he’s doing.”

Bad girl me, “Yeah, so? So do I. He’s making me horny! There! I said it!!”

GGM, “You don’t even know him! And your acting like a school girl with a crush. Have some class! Your embarrassing me!”

BGM, “Oh grow up!! Where did being a good girl get me? I am sick of always being a good girl, behaving myself, being responsible. I want to have fun!”

GGM, “What about STD’s, what about your 40 year old ass?!!”

BGM, “ever heard of condoms? and what’s wrong with my ass? Guys love my ass?”

GGM, “You don’t even know how to put one on a guy!”

BGM, “You know, you are really starting to piss me off. We are all adults here. If I want to screw his brains out, no harm done. I am a big girl. I’ve been married 3 times, maybe I should have just screwed them instead of marrying them. Now, shut up!!”

GGM, “Ok, you might have a point. After all you have gotten your shit together, you are the most confident you’ve ever been. Kris is old enough, he doesn’t a mom any more. It’s your time to fly free. But, I am right here if you need me, don’t do anything stupid.”

BGM, “Shhh, he’s saying something and I totally missed it.”

He was holding the passenger door open for me.

We moved his car, a classic 71 Chevy Sprint.

I have always loved classic cars.

I thought it was rather strange he made a point of telling me he had fully insured both cars for a year. He also told me he had paid his rent in full for the length of the course he was taking. “He is young and trying to show you he’s responsible. That’s a good thing, right?

Don’t over analyze everything!

We stopped so he could buy a 6 pack of coolers, he asked if I would mind just sitting in the car and talking. He felt uncomfortable going in anywhere without a shirt and didn’t have a whole lot of time before he had to run to get the ferry.

We parked behind my car and just talked. Easy, getting to know you type conversation.

Did he have any kids?

Well, to be honest he didn’t know for sure. He had been very much in love with a woman and she got pregnant. He was trucking at the time, but got them an apartment and was looking forward to becoming a dad. She didn’t work, she was alot younger than him, so he was working long hours and coming home to do all the cooking and cleaning but he understood she wasn’t feeling well with the pregnancy.
Then one day he came back from a run to a totally empty apartment and she was gone. Her and her parents had emptied his storage locker of a bunch of priceless treasures he had collected through his years of trucking. She took off and he never saw her again.

He had run into her sister who showed him a picture of the baby. He pulled a tattered picture of a little boy out of his wallet and passed it to me. His eyes filled with tears and I touched his hand. He looked away, as if embarrassed to let me see him cry, and he wiped his eyes. He told me that after she left everyone told him she had been screwing around on him with an ex boyfriend the whole time they were together and it wasn’t his kid.

His voice cracked and he fought back tears as he told me, even though he had been adopted by a great family and had a wonderful childhood it just seemed so unfair that he had been given up for adoption and now his son had been taken from him. He had sworn that he would never give up a child of his.

My heart broke for him, it was unfair. I told him he needed to find her and the child and have a blood test done so he knew for sure.

Finally he said he should really get going, he pulled me close, looked in my eyes and his lips grazed mine, soft, tender, hinting at a passion simmering under the surface that made me almost moan out loud. He whispered that he had never told anyone about his son, but for some reason he felt a connection with me. I felt my seat recline. Again his lips teased mine and my back arched against him. His strong hand slipped down to the small of my back, pressing me against him as his leg slid between my legs.

He kept talking between gentle kisses that grew in intensity taking my breath away; he hadn’t been able to sleep last night, thinking about our kiss. He usually doesn’t on a first date but when I kissed his neck, he couldn’t help himself. (What man doesn’t kiss on a first date?), *Kiss, kissing is so important, *kiss, he was relieved to find out, *kiss, I was a good kisser.

My tongue could not be contained any longer and slid between his lips and was met by his tongue. His hands roaming between my legs, “could he feel how wet I was through my jeans?” up my shirt, “God help me!” I wanted him right there and then, but the good girl me, stopped him, just as his thumb grazed my nipple and my groin pressed against his leg. I moaned.

We were both out of breath as he sat up, then he laughed, “Look at the windows! They’re totally steamed up! Usually I’m not into public displays of affection, I can’t help myself with you.”

He went on about how people must have been walking past knowing what we were doing and we laughed about his ass up against the windshield and how uncomfortable the stick shift was.

He looked at his watch and said, “Shit! I have to go!! I’ll miss my ferry!!”

I kissed him on the cheek and got out. As I was about to close the door I hear him say, “Hey, Babe.”

Did he just call you Babe?? Hahaha that’s so cheesy!! Babe??! That is so “James Dean-ish”.”

I looked back and he was leaning across the passenger seat, eyes pleading, with his hand out, “Come here for a minute please.”

“I’d really like to cook you supper when I get back on Monday.”

Me: “ok.”

He handed me a piece of paper, “This my mom’s number. My cell doesn’t always work when I’m there. Call me.”

I liked that right from the start he had put the ball in my court by giving me his number. I was sick of guys who asked for my number and didn’t call, in fact I had stopped giving out my number.

I found myself thinking about him a lot; to be honest. I had wanted him so bad in the car and couldn’t recall ever getting that passionate with any man.

But he called me “Babe” on our first date, who does that?

God he was a good kisser!

He wants kids and you can’t have any more kids and don’t want any more kids,

He called when he said he was going to and when he was only 10 minutes late. How considerate.

He holds the door open for you.

God he’s a good kisser!

Did you see his chest??!!!

He gave you a peace symbol!

“STOP ANALYZING! just relax and take it one day at a time!”

“Ok ok. One day at a time”

I had never felt such passion, had never lost control of my body’s response like that. I hadn’t thought that kind of passion actually happened. I thought it only happened in the movies.

It was so intense it scared me but made me crave more. I longed to be out of control and give in to the passion, what would happen if I just gave into it? If I gave up control?

I wanted to know.

First Date, First Kiss

I don’t know about you, but it never seems to matter how long I do the dating thing I always get the jitters. “What if he doesn’t show up?” “What if he doesn’t like me?”

I kept telling myself that it didn’t matter, I didn’t even know him, but for some reason, with the handsome stranger, it mattered.

Sure enough, he called me at work to cancel, he explained he was waiting for money to come in from his accident.

He told me he was a little embarrassed to admit it but the other night in the bar he had just pawned one of his guitars and he was anxious to get his money so he could get it back.

The money was supposed to be there in the morning but he didn’t know when and he didn’t want to be late or leave me waiting. He had just bought a BMW that he had to pick up and he didn’t want to be rushed. Could we move it to Friday evening instead?

Sure! I didn’t have to work on Saturdays, better for me. He was obviously relieved and surprised. He told me most women would be pissed off.

I didn’t see why a woman wouldn’t understand, it wasn’t like he stood me up, he just moved the date one day.

Friday I wore my new jeans to work so I could meet him at the bar at 6 pm. (Everyone had told me my new jeans made my ass look great). I was waiting in the parking lot when he called to say he was almost there. He said to look for a green BMW. I didn’t know what a BMW looked like but I saw him pull in, he was right on time.

He held the bar door open for me, it was really busy but we found a table.

We were right beside the door to the patio and the door to the kitchen, so there was alot of traffic going by and my chair got knocked into often, it was loud, and he asked if I was ok sitting there. I shrugged and said sure. (I just never get upset about little things like that.)

Again, he was pleasantly surprised, as most women would be complaining about the noise and traffic. I thought, “Sheesh, who has this guy been dating?! It’s a popular bar on a Friday night.”

He ordered steak and prawns. I didn’t eat, I didn’t have alot of money and planned on going Dutch, besides I was nervous and not hungry.

He fed me a prawn off his plate and I ate it. Again, he was impressed I would take food off his fork. I thought, “this guy must have dated some real loser women if he is this easily impressed.”

He asked the waitress for the bill and mentioned he had to work the next day and couldn’t stay out too late. I felt a twinge of disappointment. I pulled out my wallet to pay my share and he said, don’t be silly, he had it covered. Then he said he didn’t want the night to end, and asked if I knew of a quieter place where we could talk.

I knew of a lounge about 10 minutes away. We took his car and parked across the street.

He opened my car door for me and as we crossed the street I felt his strong arm slide easily around my waist in a protective sort of way. My stomach got butterflies.

The lounge was quiet which allowed us to talk more easily. There were no awkward silences, laughter came easy, we had compatible values.

He seemed very humble and almost embarrassed to tell me about his accomplishments. He was very interested in my life, my interests, my job, my son. For once a guy was more interested in hearing about me than trying to impress me by talking incessantly about himself.

By the way he looked at me; intently, as if mesmorized by my every word, I could tell he really liked me. I felt desirable, appreciated, sexy, special; like he felt lucky to be with me.

He mentioned he had left his other car where he had picked up his BMW and didn’t know how he would get it.
I volunteered to help him drive it back to his place, if he couldn’t find anyone else to help him. He was impressed I was willing to do that and seemed surprised.

The way he held eye contact gave me goose bumps. Those blue blue eyes. Our hands brushed on the table. Our thighs touched. Our feet touched. He brushed my hair out of my eyes. Oh my!!

He seemed to have experienced almost too much for a man his age. He was a licensed heavy duty mechanic, a class 1 driving instructor, a ticketed welder/fabricator, had played lead guitar for a popular band before the band got famous (he left the band months prior to them getting their big break) Now he was in school for water/sewer technology because the motorcycle accident he’d had left him unable to do any of his previous trades.

He had said they had told him he would never walk again but he didn’t even limp. He said it was a miracle! I agreed, I had nursed my husband after his motorcycle accident and knew how unforgiving a motor cycle accident could be.

As we crossed the street to leave he grabbed my hand.

*Little electric shocks*

His hands dwarfed mine and were callused and strong. (I have always loved a working man’s hands. No soft pudgy manicured hands for me; calloused hands turn me on.)

He drove me back to my car. We parked. He explained he had to catch the ferry the next day after work to go back “home” to spend time with his mom. He mentioned he goes home every weekend. (That made sense, it was home. But it also meant that any kind of long term relationship between him and I was unlikely.)

He said he would call me when he got off work and if I wasn’t busy we could move his car before he left. Sounded good to me.

Then, it came, that awkward time when a couple kisses, or not.

I decided to take the lead. I thanked him very much and leaned in, brushing my lips against his neck as I whispered, “Thank you. I really had a nice time”. He smelled good, clean, fresh.

I felt his fingers in my hair, and as I pulled away he brushed the hair from my face, our lips touched and he kissed me ever so sweetly. His lips were full, soft, gentle, and lingered; no tongue, not forceful, just sweet and sensual, leaving me a little breathless and definitely wanting more.

THE one thing that determines whether or not there is any hope of a future relationship is how a guy kisses. If he can’t kiss, it doesn’t matter how great he is in any other area; it’s a non-starter for me.

* He could kiss. Oh my God. He could kiss.

Finding Love When You Least Expect It.

Haven’t you had a friend tell you that they met the love of their life when they had given up on it. “When you stop looking for it and least expect it, that is when you’ll meet “the one”.

I recently watched Dirty John on Netflix and was blown away by how it paralleled my relationship with my ex at every turn. The same instant attraction, the same miscommunications, the same misunderstandings.

Like Debra, I was sick of the losers I was meeting on Plenty Of Fish. They were never what they professed to be. I had even removed my ad and vowed I was done with men, at least internet men. There was one lawyer I had already started talking to over the phone and when I told him I was done with meeting men. He argued that seeing as we had already started talking we should at least meet.

We lived about an hour and a half apart but I was going to be in a small village, about half way between our houses; to book my staff xmas party. If he could meet me there I was willing. He agreed.

I was to meet him at a bar across the street from the restaurant at 5 pm that Wednesday evening.

I was too embarrassed to admit I had already deleted his pics off my computer and didn’t remember what he looked like.
I figured it would be easy enough to pick him out. How many guys could there be by himself, in the bar on a Wednesday night looking like he is looking for someone?!

I got to the bar early, ordered myself a glass of dry white wine and messaged him I was there. He said he was running late and just leaving the office. A quick calculation of rush hour traffic x distance, told me, best case scenario, I had at least an hour to kill. “Great! I already regret agreeing to meet him. I know I don’t like him from talking on the phone, meeting in person isn’t going to change that.

I finished my wine, checked the time, “He shouldn’t be much longer“, ordered another wine and decided to go for a smoke on the outside patio. I got a few cat calls and offers of a place to sit from a few guys.

It was not unusual for me to draw attention from men. I knew I was looking good that night, (in my younger days I could turn heads) 😉 I had on a short jumper dress that made my legs look 5 feet long, 3 inch heels, dark hose, and my shoulder length sun bleached hair was in my usual “freshly fucked” look. (My brother’s description)

I was keeping my eye on the door in case he walked in. Just as I was heading back to my table I saw a guy come through the door. He was very handsome, curly short black hair, glasses, worn jeans, cowboy boots, a crisp white shirt undone just enough to show a little chest hair and stylish black leather bomber type jacket. He looked like he smelled good. He stopped and casually scanned the bar.

Hmmm he’s better looking than I remember. This might work out better than I expected” He was still looking around when I start to walk towards him. Our eyes connected, he smiled, dimples, chiselled chin, clean shaven, nice!
It must be him“.

I gave him a huge smile and started to raise my arms as if to give him a hug as I walked towards him. I could tell he was prepared to hug me back.

At the last moment it hit me, he can’t possibly be my date!
Abort! Abort! He’s much too young! too tall, too handsome….. abort!!”

My first impression was that he was a preppy, university, rich kid trying to look like a bad boy, not a 40 something lawyer.

I took a sharp turn to the left and sat at my table against the window. “Thank God my wine had arrived while I was making a fool out of myself.”

I was sitting there staring out the window, wishing Scotty would just beam me up. “You idiot! That guy must think you are crazy! You almost hugged a complete stranger!! Oh God!! Where is that asshole lawyer??! When I finish this glass of wine I am leaving!!
I was so deep into berating myself I was startled when I heard a soft, sexy male voice ask if he could buy me a drink.

I looked to my right and saw his faded jeans, looking up I got a closer look at the chiseled chin and dimpled smile, smiling blue eyes, and

I stuttered, “Excuse me?”
He laughed and said, “I was asking if I could buy you a drink or are you waiting for someone.”

I could feel my face getting hot as I smiled and said I was waiting for someone, thanks anyway.

He shrugged and said, “I figured you probably were but would have never forgiven myself if I hadn’t asked. You can’t blame a guy for trying. Have a good night.”
I watched him walk back to his table, he had an easy confident stride, cowboy boots type of stride, nice! Yes! I shamelessly checked out his butt, don’t even try to tell me you wouldn’t! No slack in the ass jeans there! His jeans fit perfectly! I loves me a man with jeans that fit or more to the point; an ass that fits his jeans. “Shit!”

I had to use the washroom which required walking right past the handsome stranger’s table.
He was on his phone when I went past the first time but he gave me a little wave and smile. When I came out he was off his phone, I walked past but stopped and went back.

“I feel I owe you an explanation for almost hugging you earlier. I’m not crazy, really.”

He laughed and admitted he was curious.
I explained I was waiting for a blind date and had mistaken him for my date but realized he couldn’t possibly be him at the last moment. He laughed and asked why I didn’t know what the guy looked like so I explained about having a personal ad and taking it down, deleting the pics etc. He asked what I thought of internet dating, he had been thinking about trying it but never had. I told him I wasn’t impressed and would stick to the old fashioned way of meeting men.

I went back to my table but decided to go for another smoke, again walking past his table. We smiled and said Hi as I passed. “He must think I am stalking him I keep walking past him.”

While having my smoke I decided that I was just going to leave, this was rediculous. On my way past the handsome stranger’s table he handed me a folded slip of paper, “If your date doesn’t work out I hope you’ll call me.”

Just as I took the note from him, he said, “I think your date is here.”

I looked up at the exact time I was taking the slip and my date’s eyes and mine met as I quickly stuffed the note in my pocket.

I went up to him and introduced myself, he said, “A friend of yours?”

“No.”

There was NO chemistry with lawyer dude. I took an immediate dislike to him. He was loud, obnoxious, and made sure the whole bar heard how much his car cost, that he was a lawyer, how much he spent at the last restaurant he went to etc etc. I was embarrassed to have anyone think I would like someone like that or have the handsome stranger think I would be attracted to anyone that shallow. I hadn’t heard of narcissists yet so I would later describe him as a pompous ass lawyer.

Handsome stranger joked easily with the waitress, paid his bill, went back to his table and slipped a $5 tip under his empty beer bottle, and left, smiling and waving discreetly from behind my dates back. I felt like yelling, “Come back!”

My date droned on and on about himself. “Does he even notice I am not listening to him?” I had to purposely keep my mind from drifting.

The handsome stranger came back in. He caught my eye and smiled, I rolled my eyes, he laughed, got some matches from the waitress and walked out.

I interrupted my date, “I’ve got to go. Sorry. I have an hour drive home and have work tomorrow.”
He was angry. He had just got here.
I said, “Exactly. I’ve been waiting for almost 2 hours. I’m going home.”

He asked if he could see me again and I said, “I don’t think we have much in common, I don’t think another date is a good idea.” I put a $20 on the table and walked out.

In the car I unfolded the slip of paper, the stranger’s name was scrawled across it with his phone number.

My teenaged son had been bugging me to start dating, I had been single a year and a half since my 3rd marriage ended. He was anxious to know how my date went when I walked through the door. I told him about the night, the lawyer and the handsome stranger.

My son said, “Call him Mom!!”

I never called men, “Really? You think I should call? Now?”

My son, “Sure Mom. He gave you his number, call him. What have you got to lose?”

“You’re sure?”

“Call!!”

And so my Harlequin Romance began.

Let’s Set The Record Straight, Right Now!

There are some misconceptions going around that have the potential to be dangerous to unwitting victims of a narcissist.

Twenty years ago no one had even heard of a narcissist and a psychopath was someone depicted as running the Bates Hotel.

I had heard of Narcissist, the fabled guy who fell in love with his own reflection, but he was a joke, not to be feared.

After leaving my ex I was determined to figure out what happened to me and warn others.

There really wasn’t much information out there about narcissists and what I could find was vague and didn’t seem like my ex. One of the reasons I had fallen in love with my ex was the fact that he wasn’t a braggard. I had dated egomaniacs before and they never lasted long. I could not stand a guy who had to put a price on everything, interrupt people and be the center of attention. You know the guy, the one telling off color jokes at the top of his lungs, the used car salesman stereotype, the sleazeball leaning against the cigarette machine with his shirt undone to his navel with a gold chain and hitting on all the women. I never understood how they got women.

Or the guys in the gym who can’t walk past a mirror without flexing, or the highschool jock who has girls flocking at his feet. No fear of me ever falling for someone like that! As for a guy controlling what I wear, who my friends are, or when I go out; that was downright laughable!!

I was reading a post on a victims of a narcissist support site and some woman was saying she has learned to co-exist with her narcissistic husband. According to her, she knew exactly how to “handle” him. When I hear anyone say they know how to “handle” a narcissist and they can co-exist peacefully, I know one of three things is going on,

1. they are not with a narcissist

2. they are deep in denial

3. The narcissist has not revealed his true colors yet

She was defensive and told me she had done lots of research and knew what she was talking about. She related a story of a friend who’s husband was so selfish he filled the garage with all his “toys” and the wife could not park her car in the garage in winter and said, she would never presume to tell this friend to leave her husband and find someone better.

I would hope the hell not!! If that is the worst the woman has to deal with she should consider herself lucky.

This woman has a very warped definition of a narcissist!! Narcissists are NOT benign!!

It seems to me calling someone a narcissist has become the “in” thing to do. Everyone who has had a bad experience of any kind, been rejected by a man, or been with an inconsiderate man, is quick to label them a narcissist. The self righteous, “I am woman hear me roar” women will tell you they know how to deal with a narcissist. They tell a man what they think, they never let a man walk all over them. They aren’t a doormat.

Let me be very clear, narcissist is NOT the new age term for asshole.

If you sleep with a man even though he refuses to commit, you are making a conscious decision to have sex with a man without a commitment. If a man is honest enough to tell you, “I don’t love you”, “I don’t want a commitment”, “I don’t want to ever get married” believe him! Don’t assume you are going to win his love by being a doormat.

If a man falls out of love with you, it’s gonna hurt, but it happens, deal with it, it does not make him a narcissist.

Now, what does make him a narcissist?

The DSM 5, used to diagnose personality disorders, says at least 5 of these symptoms must exist:

    • A grandiose sense of self-importance

    • A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

    • A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

    • A need for excessive admiration

    • A sense of entitlement

    • Interpersonally exploitive behavior

    • A lack of empathy

    • Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

  • A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

In a proposed alternative model cited in DSM-5, NPD is characterized by moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning, manifested by characteristic difficulties in 2 or more of the following 4 areas [2] :

    • Identity

    • Self-direction

    • Empathy

  • Intimacy


It still sounds rather obscure and benign if you don’t fully understand how these traits manifest themselves.

Besides, by the time a victim goes looking for answers to “what the hell is happening?” They are in so deep it can be almost impossible to safely leave the relationship.

Any normal halfway intelligent woman wouldn’t date a narcissist if they saw him without his mask on the first date or two. When you meet the narcissist he is nothing like the description above, in fact he probably seems the exact opposite.

It isn’t even possible to describe how to a pick a narcissist out of the crowd or say what kind of woman they are attracted to because they morph into the victim’s perfect partner. They don’t have a “type” of woman, every woman they meet, regardless of age, looks, economic status, or religious beliefs is assessed for their value to the narcissist. Not every woman will fall for them but that is of little consequence to the narcissist because he has so many women in various stages of falling for his act he always has one or two ready to step into the role of his main supply.

He will use women for whatever he sees of benefit to him. One might provide a roof over his head, another could give him prestige, or a desired job, it could be simply a sexual relationship.

The one thing all the women will have in common is they will all think they are special to the narcissist and that he is totally in love with her alone. They will all think they know him better than anyone else and not have a clue who he really is. Most women find out exactly how little they knew about him after the relationship ends.

Before we go any further, let me clarify some misconceptions about narcissist. The mental health professionals can’t even agree on many aspects of narcissism. There is controversy about how dangerous they are, if they can be “healed” and how someone becomes a narcissist.

Some quick facts:

Not all narcissists were abused as children. I believe many of them were simply because they were narcissists and the parents were trying to teach them right from wrong. There can be numerous children in a family raised by the same two parents in the exact same way and one of them will be a narcissist and different from birth, always lying, breaking rules, blaming their siblings, getting in trouble in school etc

Brain scans have been done that prove narcissist and psychopath’s brains never develop the ability to feel empathy or guilt. Consequently, they can not be healed, not with therapy or by your magical love.

People will tell you narcissists aren’t dangerous. But recent research is showing otherwise. All psychopaths are narcissistic. They say narcissists don’t murder people, only psychopaths do that. If they both display the exact same traits how does a lay person distinguish between the two. A narcissist is just a psychopath who hasn’t killed yet.

There are three personality disorders that are considered the most dangerous; psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. The reason they are so dangerous is because they are the only disorders that lack a conscience. Think about it; without a conscience what stops a person from doing whatever they want whenever they want. Most of us have been so angry at someone at some point in our lives that we thought, “I could kill the bastard”; but we don’t! Because we know our conscience wouldn’t allow it. We may see something we like and think, “I really want that”, but we don’t steal it because we would feel too guilty, or we would think Karma would get us, or God, or we know how we would feel if someone stole from us. A narcissist doesn’t have those filters. He wants it, he takes it, without any guilt, in fact he feels entitled to take it.

Therapy doesn’t help a narcissist, except to help him be better at being a narcissist. Counselling only provides the narcissist with more information he can use to manipulate his victims and improve his acting skills.

Narcissists will tell you that they aren’t dangerous or even that evil. I have been told by narcissists that I am describing a psychopath, psychopaths say I am describing a sociopath or narcissist, the sociopath says, “Not ME! You are talking about narcissists!

One of the leading traits of a narcissist is that they are pathological liars. Why would you believe anything they say?

I heard a long time ago,

“If a narcissist’s lips are moving, he’s lying.”

Which is another reason therapy doesn’t help them and why therapists don’t agree on the cause, motives, and severity of narcissism; they never get a straight answer from the narcissist.

They are academy award worthy actors. They knew at a very young age they were different than everyone else, so they learned to imitate the emotions of those around them in order to fit in and go undetected. They learned that acting the way they wanted got them in trouble and worked against them. They are usually highly intelligent so figure out they get much further if they pretend to be like everyone else. That is where upbringing plays a major role in how they present themselves, and some are more sophisticated than others.

Look! I don’t really care what label you put on them, there is a type of person out there in the world destroying lives and they all follow the same m.o. The Diagnostic Manual wants to put narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths under the same classification and call them Antisocial Disorder.

People want to break it down even further to Malignant, Covert, Cerebral, and Somatic Narcissist. As far as I am concerned, we give the narcissist far too much attention as it is. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist.

We go looking for answers so we can put our experience, the narcissist in a nice little box and file it away. We think if we can figure out how the narcissist ticks and why he does the things he does, it will help us heal, give us closure.

We think he can give us answers for why he wants to destroy us, the one who loved him unconditionally. Because we do have a conscience, empathy and guilt, we know that for us to treat people that way we would have had to have something truly horrible happen to us. No one acts that way without reason.

You are wrong, narcissists treat people that way without any justification…..because they are narcissists. They know they “hurt” people, but without the ability to feel empathy, hurt, is just a word. Love, is a word they use to manipulate their victims, they have no idea how it feels to truly love someone. In order to truly love someone you have to feel empathy.

Now don’t go crying for the narcissist, feeling sorry for the poor guy who will never know how it feels to love and be loved, doomed to live a lonely loveless life and die alone.

The narcissist actually feels superior to the rest of society. He sees feelings as what makes people weak, it is the thing that enables him to victimize so many people. Why would he want to be like his victims? He thinks his victims are stupid and weak so deserve to be used by him. Every time a victim forgives him he is more disgusted with their gullibility to believe his lies yet again!

So how can you protect yourself? You don’t want to be suspicious all the time. If they are such good actors how on earth can you know until it’s too late? It’s really very simple.

They all seem perfect at first. Not perfect for everyone, but perfect for you.

They think you are perfect, where have you been all their life? They have never known love like the love they have with you.

They push for sex early.

It’s a whirlwind romance. Him rushing to live together or get married. Talking about having kids etc.

He will try to get you to quit your job, move to a new town somehow make you dependent on him.

He usually keeps you away from his family somehow. They are vicious addicts, have always abused his good nature or they don’t like you.

He will point out how disrespectful your kids are to you. How your family doesn’t appreciate you. He just wants to protect you. You are always taking care of everyone else. There probably is a smidgen of truth to it too.

All his ex’s were psycho bitches that are out to get him and destroy him. He will forbid you to talk to them because they will try to turn you against him.

You will discover some lie early on and he will down play it, beg forgiveness and promise it will never happen again.

He will more than likely have money tied up somehow and will try to borrow a bit until the big payoff comes through. He will have money to wine and dine you at first though. He is getting it off some other sucker.

He might have questionable work ethics or credentials.

Often he is new to town so has no long term friends you can meet, he becomes friends with your friends.

Sex is intense and frequent, at first.

Then, all of a sudden, like a switch went off; he is moody, critical, flies into a rage over nothing and you are shocked, don’t understand what you did wrong. He might disappear for days at a time. He will pick a fight and not call or answer your calls for days and then pop back into your life like nothing happened.

If you try to break up with him, he will cry and beg you to give him another chance but things quickly go back to him being moody and angry all the time.

None of this is normal behavior and this is when you exit stage left and cut off all communication. You can NOT talk to him because he will put doubt in your mind. Trust your gut that is telling you something is not right.