Category Archives: Love

Being An Empathy Is Not A Flaw – Unless You Make It One

We always hear about Empaths when we talk about Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths; as if, in order to fall victim to a narcissist you must be an empath. AND, it insinuates that IF you are an empath, being a victim is a certainty of life.

I dislike labeling people, or being labelled. I think often times people use their “label” as a copout. “I can’t help it, that’s just who I am”.

We always have a choice. Even the narcissist has a choice. It’s harder for the narcissist because he doesn’t have a conscience to guide his decisions, making it very easy to act solely in his self interest. But he has a personality disorder, key word; disorder.

Being an empath is not a disorder. People may treat you like you’re flawed; my mother always thought something was “wrong” with me. It wasn’t until I was in my 50’s I figured out that, I am normal, there are other people like me in the world and I am part of a rather rare personality type.

The world is made up of all types of people, (not just narcissists and Empaths) with varying degrees of empathy and anyone with a conscience has the ability to change, if they want to.

It’s definitely easier to stay the same than put the work into changing, even if staying the same causes us alot of pain. We don’t want to admit it, we prefer to blame the narcissist, our parents, or the fact that we are empaths and it’s just the way we are.

Too many empaths aren’t parented by people who nurture the empath’s uniqueness and teach the empath how to properly channel their special skills, protect themselves, and how to set boundaries.

If you are able to identify that you are an empath who was somehow involved with a narcissist, whether it was a parent, spouse, boss, friend or sibling, you are able to change how you relate to the world and end the cycle of being a victim.

There are perks to being a victim and it can be hard to give it up. It means you are responsible for your own happiness, your own security, you will have to make decisions and you will be the only one to blame if they fail. Whereas by remaining a victim you aren’t responsible for anything!
The narcissist is the “bad” one and you are the “good” person. Your life is a mess, but it’s not your fault. If the narcissist would just ……… (Fill in the blanks) your life would be perfect, you would be able to be happy. Elusive happiness, kept just out of reach by the nasty narcissist.

Some of you might find what I am saying offensive; but being a victim can be a pretty comfortable place to be. Feeling sorry for yourself can become a habit, and after awhile it becomes part, or your whole identity. You don’t know how to be anything else.

In a perfect world every parent would cherish their children for their unique traits and encourage their child to be all they can be instead of wanting to mold them into who the parent thinks they should be and being critical of their differences.

Let me make this very clear, being an empath does not mean you are flawed but it does mean you have to be smart and force yourself to set boundaries and protect yourself.

I don’t know about you but growing up I was always told I was too sensitive, too emotional, or to quote my dad, “a flake”. I was also the “care giver”, “peace maker” and “secret keeper”. I had no idea how dysfunctional my childhood was until I was putting my life back together after being destroyed by the narcissist.

I grew up in a home where my feelings were scoffed at or ignored, both parents kept secrets from each other and expected us kids to keep the secrets, we tiptoed on eggshells to avoid my dad’s temper and my mother was an oblivious people pleaser who preferred to keep her head buried in the sand because what she didn’t see couldn’t hurt her and “how things appeared” was all that mattered.

I buried my feelings until I would eventually explode over something insignificant; making myself appear irrational and unpredictable. I would feel guilty, end up apologizing and my feelings never got acknowledged or dealt with.

I became a people pleaser anticipating everyone else’s needs and being the person they told me I should be. I felt like a fraud and feared people would figure out I wasn’t who I was pretending to be and not like me.

I felt like a fraud because I was trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be; it’s impossible to feel confident if you aren’t being yourself. It’s hard to be happy when you aren’t pursuing anything you are passionate about and living your life for other people.

I would bet money that you were made into a prime target for a narcissist by people who supposedly loved you and had your best interests at heart.

My whole life had been spent rescuing everyone else, instinctively knowing how to make people feel better and the whole family relied on me to be the stable, reliable one, while at the same time making jokes about what a “flake” I was. My younger brother was a train wreck, my mother moved right next door after my dad left her and arrived at my door in tears every night, my son’s father said, “you wanted him, you’ve got him, deal with it”, then I married a guy who was financially irresponsible and I ended up losing everything because I co-signed debt for him and he claimed bankruptcy. My son quit school and was getting into trouble.

I was SO SICK of being responsible!! Then my mom, who held the mortgage on my tiny cabin (because of my ex going bankrupt) sold my cabin out from under me because she wanted me to wash my hands of my son.

Then I met the narc. Looking back I can see how I was a prime target. He was charming, younger, wined and dined me, thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever met. I was perfect just the way I was. He was exciting, spontaneous, and madly in love with me, the real me. And I made the conscious decision to let my guard down and let a man take care of me for a change.

When things started to fall apart shortly after I moved in, I had no where to go, my mother had sold my house. I thought, “what have I got to lose?” And stayed when he asked me to.

When he told me I was too sensitive, too suspicious, paranoid; I believed him and doubted my gut instincts; because I had always been told that by my own family.

Had I been taught as a child to listen to my gut, that I was special because of my ability to read people’s emotions and told my feelings were valued and not dismissed. If someone had allowed me to express my anger and validated me; the narcissist wouldn’t have been able to get a strong hold of me.

I have forgiven my mother, she was raised by a very abusive man and her mother was an uneducated weak woman. She married my dad young and had never been with anyone else. She never was a nurturing mother, she was a child herself and she did what she could to avoid anger, and learned to lie, have secrets, self preservation, even if it meant making her own daughter the scape goat.

We all have our own stories of our childhood and I bet few of you were nurtured and accepted as you are. It is up to you to heal yourself by learning how to be an empathic person without sacrificing your own happiness and security. It is possible.

I talk about how you can learn to accept and love yourself in these past posts

https://ladywithatruck.com/2015/03/12/i-bet-you-are-an-empath/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2018/04/16/22438/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/07/25/spiritual-growth-and-emotional-maturity-comes-from-pain/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/07/25/spiritual-growth-and-emotional-maturity-comes-from-pain/

The Tools Of A Narcissist

Imagine if you will; you’ve been on your own for almost a year, or maybe it’s even been a couple of years; however long it’s been since you left the narcissist who feasted on your heart and you are finally whole.

You’ve done alot of hard work putting the pieces of your life together, you have found a new you under all the pain and confusion. You are feeling stronger and you’ve set new healthy boundaries, no man is ever going to have that control over you again.

You’ve been dating, nothing too serious and you doubt you will ever meet another man who will stir up the passion you had with the narcissist. But that’s ok because it was that passion that brought you to your knees and made you sacrifice everything.

Life is ok and you are ok with just ok. No passion, but no emotional roller coaster either.

Then, the phone rings. You check call display, it’s become a habit, he hasn’t called in months, a year? You used to count the hours, days, since you last talked to him but it’s been so long you’ve lost count. Your heart stops, it’s him. You stare at the phone, your mind races; you wonder why he’s calling now, what could he possibly say now, remember; “curiosity killed the cat”.

Oh but damn, it’s so hard to put that phone down and walk away. You’re stronger now, you just want to see what he has to say, you think this is your chance to tell him what you really think of him, you’re on to his games, he won’t be able to suck you back into his web of bullshit this time. You know what you are dealing with this time. And……you answer.

Hello?

Him in his soft, I couldn’t hurt a fly, soaked in honey voice,”Baby, I was afraid you wouldn’t answer. I don’t know if I should call or not, I just wanted to hear your voice. I need to know if you are ok.”

You, “You shouldn’t have called.”

Him, “Sorry. But it is really good to hear your voice.” he laughs nervously. “Are you doing ok?”

You’re forcing yourself to not smile. (He said it was good to hear your voice!! Heart get out of my throat) “I am doing good, no thanks to you! You really hurt me, left me with nothing but your shit and bills to clean up.”

Him in an even softer voice, “I know, and I am SO sorry. I will pay you back, that’s partly why I am calling. I’m finally making some decent money and you’re the first person I felt guilty about, I HAVE to try to make things right. I can’t live with myself knowing I hurt you……..I know I didn’t tell you enough, but you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

You are thrown off guard. He just admitted he did you wrong, he just basically apologized, he never admitted fault before! What’s going on?

He continues, “Look, I know you have every reason to not believe me and I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want to disrupt your life, I know I screwed it up and I have to live with my mistakes and the fact that it’s my fault I lost the only woman who ever really loved me and understood me, my soul mate. I just want the opportunity to at least pay you back.”

You, “I guess that would be ok. But I am seeing someone and have a new life now.”

Him, “I understand. You have found someone else. As long as you are happy, you deserve to be happy. I hope he treats you like the queen you are.”

You, “He’s a nice guy.”

Him, “Can I call you again?”

You, “I guess.”

Him with a sigh of relief, “Thank you Babe, that’s all I can ask of you. Thank you!”

You, “No biggie”. You are struggling to keep calm and sound indifferent but your mind is screaming, “What the hell is going on??!”

You, “Ok, well I should probably go.”

Him, “of course. I’m sorry to babble. I’ve missed you.”

You, “I used to miss you too.”

Him, “Babe?.”

You, “Yeah.”

Him, “There’s a song that always makes me think of you, Do You Drink About Me, just wanted you to know, it’s probably silly, forget I said anything. Sorry. I’ll let you go.” And in a barely audible whisper you think you hear him say, “I love you….”

*Click*

You, “Alexa? Play  Do You Drink About Me.

DON’T GO DOWN THAT RABBIT HOLE!!!

He has accomplished exactly what he set out to do. 

1. Get you thinking about him, wondering why he called now, what does he want, did he really say “I love you”, is he really sorry, has he changed??!!

2. Make you doubt yourself. 

3. Remind you that it wasn’t all bad.

4. Remind you of the passion and connection you had in the beginning.

5. Open the door, even a crack so he can slither back into your life.

And slither he will, just like the snake that he is. Once he is back in your life it won’t take long before you will be right back where you were. 

He’ll leave you alone for a few days, maybe send a text saying how good it was to hear your voice.

Then the next day, another text. “Have you listened to our song yet? I just heard it and thought of you.” (Notice now it is our song)

That night, “Still drinking of you. Goodnight Babe. Sweet dreams. I’ll be dreaming of you.”

Oh you would have to be a hard hearted Hannah to not start to weaken.

This is why No Contact is so vitally important. 

My next post. What To Do When The Narcissist Says All The Right Things.

 

Relationship Goals

 

http://www.iheartradio.ca/news/watch-bradley-cooper-lady-gaga-sing-shallow-in-vegas-1.8696604

If you haven’t seen the new “A Star Is Born”, you really need to. Once you do, you will join the millions of women around the world who want a love like Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga.

Come on, don’t deny it, even if you know it isn’t reality, there is this part of you that secretly wants that kind of passion, a love that can’t be denied, a love so strong, you forgive and forget over and over again.

Almost every victim of a narcissist will tell you that the narcissist is the love of their life, they are soul mates, and a love like that doesn’t come along everyday, you don’t just walk away from that kind of love. Anyone who tells you to be”just walk away and go no contact” doesn’t understand the intense love you have for each other. You will never find another love like this.

I have heard from hundreds of women; it was the most romantic, intense, whirlwind relationship they’ve ever had. They felt like they were in a romance movie. I remember thinking, “I thought this kind of love only happened in the movies”. A person doesn’t just walk away, from that feeling. The victim is in love with loving that person.

A narcissist is an academy award winning actor. It is no accident that you feel you are in a Oscar winning movie, some of the lines the narcissist fed you probably came straight from some movie, word for word.

A narcissist doesn’t have any true feelings, they study and imitate other people. Right now narcissists every where are watching women swoon over Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga, the way they stare into each other’s eyes, the intensity, the forbidden love they can’t deny, and they are probably practicing in front of a mirror.

When you meet the narcissist you feel like you have met your Bradley Cooper.

Even if at first you don’t really like him that much, it is a hard hearted Hannah who can walk away from a man who looks at them that way, who thinks you are the sexiest woman he has ever met, who’s touch sends electrical shocks through your body.

Since we were little girls we’ve been read stories about the prince who rides in and carries us away to live happily ever after, we’ve watched movies like Pretty Woman, Officer and A Gentleman, A Star Is Born, Dirty Dancing, to name just a few; and we dream of someday finding that kind of love.

When I met my ex the intensity made me pull away at first, I didn’t believe anyone fell in love that quickly. I struggled with feelings of wanting to run in the opposite direction because I hate love sick puppies and telling myself it’s ok if a man loves you more than you love him. For once in your life let a man take care of you, don’t be so damned independent, let your guard down and enjoy the moment.

When, after making love for the 3rd time that day; my ex stared into my eyes, pulled me close and held me like his life line; and with tears spilling onto his cheeks whispered, “I think I’ve fallen in love with you”. My heart filled with love for him and I thought to myself, “You have to be very careful to not hurt him”.

A year later I was thinking, “I don’t care if he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, as long as I can have him in my life, I will be happy.”

It’s what makes strong, self sufficient, intelligent women weak in the knees, willing to forgive the unforgivable and do seemingly stupid things.

It’s not that they can’t walk away, they don’t want to walk away. It’s the one thing they can’t do for themselves, they don’t need a man to provide for them, slay dragons for them, buy them a castle, or fix anything for them; they can do all that! But, to be loved just the way you are, to have a man look into your soul and love you like neither of you have ever loved before, or will again. To find your soul mate, find passion, is something a person can’t buy or fake, (or so we think).

I admit, even after experiencing my fairytale romance shattering into pieces; I still look at Bradley Cooper’s eyes when he looks at Lady Gaga, and I desperately want to believe.

And that is why, ladies and gentlemen; women stay.

There were times when my ex seemed genuinely baffled I was angry about catching him in a lie. He was giving me the fantasy, he was saying all the right things, why was I not happy? He didn’t understand why it mattered what he did with other women in other towns as long as he pretended to be faithful to me. As long as he called me every night,professed his love, told me how much he missed me and was going to bed early and alone; what did it matter if he was with another woman professing his love for her? To him, feelings were an obscure concept. How can you understand feelings if you are unable to feel?

But for the victim, the idea that someone could fake such intensity is impossible. But think about it, crying at the movies, if actors can make you believe, so can a narcissist.

Bradley and Gaga made a love movie, they acted in love and we fell for it. We want to believe.