Category Archives: Love

Knowing Your Worth

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Ocassionally I have a woman come into the blog thinking the man they are in love with is a narcissist because he won’t commit. I have to tell them that just because a man won’t commit does not make them a narcissist. For one thing a narcissist is not that honest. There is nothing wrong with a man for not wanting a commitment. Maybe he should stop seeing a woman who he knows wants a commitment but if he is honest and the woman keeps coming around, screwing him, cooking for him etc even after he has repeatedly told her he will never commit, can you really blame him for taking what she is giving? She obviously doesn’t respect herself or her own boundaries, is it up to him to do it for her? I suppose he should but in reality very few men will. She would call him a narcissist and be angry either way for rejected her.
News flash!! Not everyone is going to love you.
The following is my reply to a woman asking me how she can break away from a man she has been seeing for 3 years who won’t commit and never pretended he ever would commit.

Jane, I am not a trained professional therapist so I am not qualified to counsel you, I can only give you my personal opinion. Plus, I know absolutely nothing about you, your past or how your personal relationships are and have been in the past.
I am guessing this is a pattern in your life, with all people; not just in romantic relationships.
I would guess that one or both your parents were critical or distant and no matter how hard you tried you were never able to win their love and approval, you were never “good enough”.
You were the “people pleaser”, the “fixer”, always doing for others and derived your self worth from the praise of others. Sacrificing your own well being, being a martyr, all in the name of being “loved”. But never learning that you were being used and taken advantage of, not loved.
Most narcissists are not as honest as this man, they profess total commitment but lead a double life, often having many women at one time, all believing he is committed to them and that is where the victim gets sucked in. If the narc would have been honest they would have left the relationship.
The fact that you stay knowing the truth tells me that you rely on other people to give you value.
It is human nature to want to be liked, in fact we tend to try harder to please people who don’t seen to like us. No one likes rejection.
But most people wont stick around to be rejected time and time again. You do not love this man, you have made him your “value gauge”. If you can make him commit then you have value, you are worthy, enough, loved.
The truth is; what he thinks of you has absolutely nothing to do with your value, worth or whether you are loveable.
He has every right to not want to commit, and he shouldn’t continue to sleep with you knowing you want a commitment but most men don’t do the right thing and if he tells you he will never commit and you keep coming around he’s going to take what you keep giving.
You are not the victim of a narcissist, you are a victim of your own inability to defend your boundaries.
You want to be loved and have worth but you have attached your self worth to being loved. Your value has absolutely NOTHING to do with who loves you. You are willing to give up your boundaries, what you stand for; in order to be loved and have value. But you fail to realize that in order to be loved you must be loved for who you are, not the pretzel you contort yourself into, not for the things you are willing to give up but for the things you stand up for. If you don’t respect yourself and who you are (boundaries define who you are) you won’t be respected by others. Respect is essential in any loving relationship, in any relationship period. If you don’t have boundaries and defend them how do you ever feel loved for who you are? How do you ever trust yourself to not be disrespected and used?
Loved based on how much you are willing to sacrifice is never real love, it is never secure and you never feel fulfilled and empowered. You always doubt it.
The way to ensure you don’t get involved with a narcissist is to stop dating until you stop deriving your self worth from a man and know your value without being told you have value. When you love yourself, for all your perceived “flaws”, and are willing to walk away from any man who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are, you will continue to get hurt.
I suggest you stop trying to figure out what the man wants, stop trying to be the woman you think the man wants and start looking at men from the perspective of; is this the type of man I want? Is this man worthy of MY love, is this man’s values in line with MY values? I think you need to find a good therapist who can help you do that.
I know it is scary to let go of this guy and be alone but until you can be comfortable alone and truly enjoy your own company you will repeat history.

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What Do 35 Christmas Movies All Have In Common?

xmas movies

They all could be an educational film on “How a narcissist hooks their target”. I didn’t watch them all, all the way through, really, once you have seen one or two the story line doesn’t change much and they all end in the same way.

The heroine of the story is engaged to a guy who doesn’t really know or understand her and is a work-a-holic or something similar. She is going home to her family for Christmas, or going to meet his family for the first time, either way she does not fit in because she is a sweet sensitive girl who loves Christmas and the simple things in life. Then quite by accident she meets the handsome broken hearted hero of our story who is either widowed or recently dumped and afraid to get involved.

There is an immediate attraction but one or both do their best to ignore it, several misunderstandings occur, ie: his ex comes back and the heroine sees them together and jumps to conclusions, the woman accepts the promotion over seas and the hero thinks she doesn’t love him but she thinks he is playing her.

There are many variations that involve, cheating, misunderstandings, miscommunication, a love that just can not be denied even if one of them is involved with someone else, someone is fighting their feelings, but on Christmas Eve, at the final hour, they admit their feelings, admit they are soul mates and nothing else matters except being together. They stare into each other’s eyes, they kiss, they linger, they smile, one of them says, “It’s always been you, I could never love anyone else.” They embrace, the snow flakes fall gently, the music starts to play and the credits start to roll. We are left to believe they live happily ever after.

No one ever tells us what happens after the credits roll.

In real life, the only name in the credits is the narcissist’s (because he is the writer, actor, director and producer; there is no happy ending, it is just the beginning of the emotional roller coaster ride from hell.

How many of you felt like you were living in a real live romantic movie you had seen a million times on TV or read in a soft cover romance novel, when you first met the narcissist? I remember feeling giddy, part of me wanted to just end it because he was so intense and I felt he cared much more than I did, but another part of me was saying, “What can it hurt to just see where it goes? He’s a nice guy, you just aren’t used to a man being so open and honest about his feelings, besides, it never hurts to be the one who doesn’t do all the giving. Let a man take care of you.”

We had misunderstandings and I was ready to break up with him but he cried and swore it was a misunderstanding. You all know how it goes, I don’t have to tell you.

With all the advances society has made with women’s rights we still teach our children that a knight in shining armor is going to ride in and save her and true love happens when two people’s eyes meet across a room and they are swept away with their powerful feelings of love.

I believe in love and I believe in romance, I have to be one of the most romantic people I know, but even before I met my ex I didn’t trust any man who fell in love with me too quickly or who couldn’t be without me for a few days and had to call 10 times a day. In fact, I used to dump a guy if he “fell in love” too quickly and with my ex I felt the urge to stop seeing him because he called me far too often, but I didn’t follow my gut instincts.

Our minds only know what we feed into it. If a girl is raised on typical fairy tales and romance novels and movies when her gut tells her that a man is not being honest and she shouldn’t start dating someone who is already involved, that there is a good likelihood that he is not a trust worthy person; she won’t listen because she wants the whirlwind romance. We don’t teach our young girls to think rationally and logically.

We have not allow ourselves to be sucked into the believing the fairy tale the narcissist pretends to be. Believing in Santa Claus was fun too, but as we got older we realized there really wasn’t a Santa and we were able to survive the disappointment. Just like there is no Tinkerbell, Peter Pan or Winnie the Pooh, the narcissist is make believe and just like wishing Santa was real won’t make it so, wishing the narcissist actually is capable of love will never make it so.

 

 

How To Love A Woman Who Has Been To Hell

There is a blog post making its way around on the internet, “How To Love A Woman Who Has Been To Hell and Back” “How To Love A Woman Who Has Been To Hell and Back” 

It is a well written post and I am sure many victims of a narcissist/psychopath can relate, obviously; by the amount of times it has been shared and shown up on friend’s FaceBook feeds; but I take issue with a lot of what it contains. After reading it and thinking about it, more and more I kept thinking, “So, because you were hurt, you now have a license to go around hurting others?” What about the man who was hurt by a narcissistic woman? Almost all narcissists complain about how they were taken advantage of and abused by their previous partners, it is almost a challenge to the new target to try harder, love better, prove they are different. The article is below, read it and think back to how you felt while with the narcissist, my notes are in italics.

Many have tried. Most have failed.

The weak need not attempt, for it will take more strength than you even know you possess; more patience, more resilience, more tenacity, more resolve. It requires a relentless love, one that is determined and not easily defeated. I remember thinking that my ex was just testing me to see if I would walk out on him like all the others, and I was determined to prove to him I loved him and wasn’t going anywhere.

For the woman who has been to hell and back will push you away. She will test you in her desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather her storm. Because she is unpredictable—at times a hurricane, a force of nature that rides on the fury of her suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet. Sounds just like a narcissist to me, my ex used to say his love was cycleable. One day he would love me and the next he acted like he couldn’t stand the fact that I was breathing his air.

When she is the gentle rain that falls in time to her silent tears, love her.

When she is the thunder and lightning and ferocious winds that wreak havoc, love her harder.

She is a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even she will not know how to find the balance between the two. Because today, although she will never tell you, she will feel insecure. She will want you to stay close, to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her on her forehead and hold her in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow she will crave her independence, her space, her solitude. Does this not sound familiar to the rest of you? the N pulling you close so he can push you away?

For while you have slept, she has been awake, unable to slow her thoughts, watching clocks and chasing time, trying to make the broken pieces fit, to make sense of it all—of where and how she fits. She fights her demons and slays her dragons, afraid if she goes to sleep they will gain the upper hand, afraid if she goes to sleep she will no longer be in control. Tomorrow she will be tired, and your presence will smother her. She will need only herself. My ex rarely came to bed, it was when he would be on the net putting personal ads in or plotting revenge of some sort. I think he was afraid to sleep for fear of not being in control.

When she reaches out to you, love her.

When she pushes you away, lover her harder.

New situations and places and people and experiences will make her anxious. She will be fiercely independent and long to overcome her fears, all the while as terrified as a small child alone in the big world. Sometimes she will need to be courageous, to prove to herself she has what it takes. Other times she will need you to take her hand and hold it firmly in yours. Sometimes she may not know what she needs, and you will need to read her like a book with worn pages and a tattered spine and be what she needs when she does not know herself.  I often felt like I had to be a mind reader, always struggling to keep the N happy.

When she is brave and steps into the world on her own, love her.

When she is scared, but refuses to take your hand, love her harder.

She will live in fear of not being enough and always being too much—an endless battle to find the middle ground. Ashamed if the scale falls one way or the other, ashamed to be herself for no one has ever loved her both when she is small and also when she is tremendous.

When she feels too much, love her.

When she feels not enough, love her harder. When the narcissists act quite doesn’t measure up or fit the occasion, fill in the blanks for them and assign them emotions they are not feeling.

Sometimes she won’t hurt and the light will shine from her eyes and her laughter will be a rare and precious melody. But sometimes she will hurt so much from the trauma still in her body; she will ache, she will feel pain and anguish. The light will grow dim and the music will fade.

When she is the light, love her.

When she is the darkness, love her harder. Even though you are tired and don’t know the steps any more because the N keeps changing them, keep dancing in hopes that some day they appreciate all you have given up and done for them.

She will always love you with caution, with one foot out the door. For she does not understand a love with no conditions, one that is powerful enough to withstand hard times. She cannot allow herself to fully trust in your love, and she will keep parts of her heart hidden—the parts that have been hurt the most, the parts she can’t risk being hurt again when she has worked so hard to stitch them together.

She will always watch, wait and expect you to leave first. And when you don’t, she has a truth written upon her heart that says you will—it’s only a matter of time, for everyone who loves her leaves her. And so she will seek to sabotage the relationship; she will seek to destroy it, she will seek to leave first, she will seek to hurt you before you can hurt her. This is how she stays in control, this is how she survives, how she will ensure she will not get hurt again.  OMG! how many times did I think my ex was trying to sabotage the wonderful love we had and if I could just prove to him how much I loved him he would eventually relax and enjoy this special love we had.

When she wants to love you, love her.

When she wants to hurt you, love her harder. Your martyrdom will be rewarded.

Being out of control terrifies her. Don’t ever make her feel powerless, trapped or without her freedom. She needs to dance barefoot under enormous blue skies, to feel sand between her toes, to run with wolves as the wind weaves magic through her hair, for here is where her healing is found. Never clip her wings, for if she has the freedom to fly, she will always come back to you.  Never ask for faithfulness or commitment, just prove your loyalty to them and some day, maybe, your selflessness will be rewarded with their love. hahaha

Love her when it’s easy, and love her harder when it’s not.

Love her in a way that will defy all she has ever known love to be.

Love her because you understand with every fiber of your soul the gift of her love, what it has cost her to offer you her fragile heart.

She does not need you. She has chosen you.

Because you have what it takes to survive the storm.

Because even when she doesn’t know how to love, you know how to love harder.  oh yes, your special love is enough to save her from herself, to save the relationship, some day, right? right?

First of all, the person who is writing this is basically saying, “I am helpless to stop being a victim, I have no control over who hurts me or who I hurt because I am damaged goods”. They are putting their self worth and happiness into the hands of the next man who comes along. They are off the hook as far as any responsibility for whether the relationship fails or not and if the guy can’t prove he is a good guy, then it certainly isn’t her fault. If he turns out to be another narcissist and she gets hurt again, it isn’t her fault, she is totally an innocent victim. She might say that she is an open book and wears her heart on her sleeve, she can’t help it, it’s just the way she is. Sigh. Doomed to forever be the victim, why, why, why?????

None of us can be blamed for being the victim of a narcissist when we didn’t know they even existed, and I am not saying that none of us will ever fall victim to another one someday in the future. But if we cloak ourselves in victimhood, relying on anyone but ourselves to keep us safe, we set ourselves up to remain a victim time and time again. In typical victim fashion, I vowed to learn everything I could about narcissists so I could identify one before they hurt me and it scared the hell out of me how many I saw all around me. (all people have narcissistic traits, it is the degree of those traits that determine if a person is a true narcissist) but I guarantee we are all surrounded by narcissists and psychopaths. And with their ability to morph into different characters and personalities, talent for rewriting history and ease at playing the victim or the knight in shining armor make it impossible to identify most of them before its too late.

Whoever wrote this article should not be dating and falling in love, they are too damaged to enter into a healthy relationship. Sorry. That may offend someone of you but; if you are expecting someone else to fix the damage done by the narcissist, or that you have some “get out of jail free card” that allows you to mess with someone else’s heart because you got hurt; you are not ready to date.

First of all, to announce to the world that you are horribly damaged by a narcissist is  like putting a big old bullseye on yourself and saying, “Come get me”. He would love the challenge of winning your trust and then dumping you. You would not believe how many times I have had someone from the blog start dating far too soon, thinking it would heal her/him; only to have them come in crying because they had told the person how badly they had been hurt in the past, “I told them how hurt I had been and that I needed honesty and time to learn to trust again and they cheated on me. How can someone be so cruel, knowing a person has been hurt so badly?” They are forgetting that a narcissist doesn’t care how hurt you were in the past other than it gives him a perfect opportunity to suck you in by pretending to be your soulmate.

So how do you heal? how do you protect yourself?

You have to accept that the narcissist is not the first person to victimize you and tell you lies about yourself. The fact is, had you not been taught to doubt your gut instincts, had you not been told lies about who you were and that your strengths were weaknesses, you never would have been sucked into that dark vortex of narcissistic toxic love. Unfortunately not many people were nurtured and accepted exactly as you are.

I have written on this topic several times before; here is a link you might find helpful

The other thing you have to accept is; you can love someone deeply without sacrificing yourself. Yes, I know, you are sensitive, you feel things more intensely than most, you hate to see someone hurting, you want to fix things for the people you love; but that does not mean you can’t learn to love smart, stop giving trust to someone who has done nothing to earn your trust and then wait to see if they deserve it. You can learn to listen to your gut and believe that your gut never lies to you, you can not allow yourself to be pressured into a relationship too quickly. It doesn’t make it any less romantic, in fact; it should make it more intense and romantic to let the love grow naturally. The narcissist rushes you into a commitment and you allow it because you are afraid if you don’t he will find someone else. If he finds someone else that quickly and easily then there never was a deep love there and you are not really losing anything. On the other hand, by going into a relationship with the baggage from past hurts, expecting that person to accept your erratic moods and love you enough to heal you, you could very well destroy what could have been the love of your life.

You will never go wrong living true to your core self and in total honesty be the best version of you that you can be. Honor and value yourself and then you don’t have to worry about being made a victim, you can trust yourself to protect you.

The Reality Of Love

This is a recycled post from two years ago that I thought was well worth reposting.

It’s all about trusting, trusting that the truth always comes out, trusting that you are loveable, trusting your gut instincts and trusting that; if it doesn’t work out with this guy or the next, it is not a reflection on you. If the guy turns out to be an asshole maybe he is just an asshole; it does not mean you did something to deserve it or you are flawed in some way.

There are narcissists everywhere, everyone meets them in their life, there is nothing wrong with you, nothing about you attracts them, don’t take it personally when you discover a man you met is a narcissist. Just walk away. That is the lesson you need to learn from this whole thing; the narcissist is the sick one, you just have to learn to accept they exist and they will eventually let their true colors show. Your job is to make sure that when the mask drops, you are prepared to walk away.

Falling in love is not about being the kind of woman any man would love and trying to fit a mold; it is about meeting men and taking the time to find out if HE is right for YOU. You are not going to know that in a few weeks or months………….give it time!!

Anyway, here is the post from the past 

Why Am I Not Enough?

I received this heart wrenching comment on the blog yesterday and wanted to address it in a stand alone post because, although it doesn’t happen often, I have had other women come in the blog with the same issue. First let’s read the comment from “Jane” and then I will discuss it.

“From the start he told me he wanted a one sided intimate thing with me and no relationship like girlfriend boyfriend. the narc was married once.From the start I cared for him and went along with this nightmare.He is cold aloof angry and says he has no feelings for anyone including me.He doesn’t like any closeness and the intimacy is for him only without being graphic.L can’t sleep at his house.Only please him there and he takes me home.No hanging out or staying at his house.From his bedroom to his car to home.Why does he act this way? Do you think he was hurt by some female and now protecting himself from me? That’s not a typical narc because they have no feelings.I’m looking for excuses for why I am staying with him.Why do I care for a man who treats me like dirt and everytime I go home from seeing him I cry and so depressed.I feel so alone and empty and horrible but yet I can’t leave him.Why is he putting this cold,onesided wall between us.Please can you explain why he doesn’t want a relationship with me but had one when he was married. I am always sad and feel like I’m dead inside.I’m not happy like I was before I met him.Why do I care for him? Can you tell me please?”

Jane, your pain and confusion is heart wrenching and it’s very obvious how unhappy you are. I am sorry you, for whatever reason; feel you are not deserving of love and respect and have spent the last 18 months with a man who treats you with less respect than he would a prostitute. I hate to put it that bluntly but there is not much more a man could do to a woman to prove she is worthless to him. A prostitute has control, she chooses when she will have sex and how much she will charge, she decides what sex acts she will perform and which ones she won’t. A prostitute has no expectations of the relationship going any where and she is quite happy to take her pay for services rendered and go home. The man you are seeing is not even giving you the respect of valuing the sex he gets from you. Is it any wonder you go home and are depressed, crying and feel horrible about yourself, yet you continue to see him. Why? Very good question.

I am not a professional therapist and I know nothing about your past, if this is history repeating itself with every relationship you have had or if you were abused as a child, felt abandoned as a child etc And we certainly don’t have the time to get into all that here. I think you would benefit greatly if you got into therapy with a reputable counselor and investigate why you find it so hard to set boundaries, demand respect and would settle for a man who treats you like garbage.

All I can do is touch on the generic reasons for you to be in this relationship and feel you can not walk away. I think I will do it in point form for the sake of brevity, not importance.

  1. I am not going to discuss the reasons I think he does the things he does because I don’t see him as the one with issues. I am not convinced he is even a narcissist. Everyone is calling everyone else a narcissist these days, it is the go to buzz word whenever a person gets hurt, the person doing the hurting must be a narcissist. No, sometimes they are just not that into you. I will tell you what I told my son when he started dating and having sex.

I explained that women tend to give sex for love and women find it very hard to just have casual sex. Men can have sex with anyone whether they are really attracted to the person or not but women are different, when they have sex, chemicals are released that make them more trusting and fall in love more easily. It is human nature, nothing you can do about it. I do not believe you have to wait until marriage to have sex but you do have to be honest. Never tell a woman you love her in order to get her into bed, as long as you are honest about your intentions it is her responsibility to say no or accept that it is just sex without strings.  That said there are women who will tell you that they are fine with casual sex when they really aren’t, not many women can have no strings attached sex. If you see that happening you need to end the relationship because she is going to get hurt and even if you were honest and tell her a dozen times you are not interested in a relationship,every time you have sex with her she is going to think maybe you love her. Some women will just not accept the truth and it would be wrong to take advantage of that. (I want to put a caveat in here. I always had a very open and honest relationship with my son, not all men, especially older men would have heard that kind of advice coming from their mom) I also told my son to be sure to use protection at all times because there are women out there who will be so intent on making a relationship happen, they will purposely get pregnant.

In my heart I really do believe a woman, especially a middle aged woman; needs to be responsible for her own happiness and well being and if a man tells her he is not interested in anything more than casual sex on his terms she has to either accept that (fine, we are all adults nothing wrong with a sexual relationship if that is what they both want) or move on.

2. There are a couple of red flags of a narcissistic relationship that are consistent through all narcissistic relationships and they are;

  • they are all pathological liars
  • it is always a whirlwind romance in the beginning. They can’t gt enough of you, they thought they had been in love before but now they know what true love is, you are soul mates, you are perfect, he wants to be with you constantly, professing his undying love. It might not last long because as soon as the narcissist feels he has the victim firmly hooked he will start the devaluing stage

Those two elements are not in your relationship from what you have told me so I tend to think he is exactly what he told you he is; he doesn’t want a relationship, he just wants sex. If you are going to tolerate that why should he change? He is getting exactly what he said he wanted, you are the one being dishonest. You are the one who has spent the last 18 months wondering why he doesn’t love you and what is wrong with you when you should be saying, “This man can not give me what I need. I need to move on so I can find  a man prepared to and capable of giving me what I need.”

3. He has done nothing to warrant your love and devotion. You have created a fantasy love relationship with him in your mind. It does not exist. Victims of narcissistic abuse are led to believe the N loves them with all his heart, they are promised forever, he is their knight in shining armor so they have a basis for their love and it is embedded in their brain by the narcissist and when he withdraws his affection the victim tries to win back his love. But in your case he didn’t lie, he didn’t pretend, he was straight up honest and you created the whole fantasy in your own head. For 18 months you have pined away for a love that isn’t there and imagined how wonderful it would be to be in love and in a relationship with him, if only he loved you. Do you see the problem here? You are refusing to accept him for who he is. You were attracted to a man, and randomly you have created your fantasy love relationship in your head with him. You are in love with someone who is only in your head, he doesn’t exist any where but in your own mind and you have brain washed yourself to believe that if only this man would love you the two of you would ride off into the sunset happily ever after.

4. Our brains only know what we put in it. We say things like “I can’t stop thinking about him” “I can’t stop obsessing.” But we can, we control our brains, not the other way around. We are born with a blank slate and our brains store information from the day we are born to the day we die. We all get fed misinformation throughout our life and we believe lies about ourselves or other people. Every thought we have, every reaction we have comes from the information we have been given in some form or another throughout our life. I suspect that at some point in your early life you were made to feel you were not worthy of love and being treated with respect. That you had to give sex in order to get love. You have the power to change the way you view things. You created the relationship, you are the only one who can uncreate it. It will take effort on your part, but every time you find yourself thinking you love him and can’t walk away, stop yourself (every time you think a thought you bury it deeper in your psyche and the quicker your mind will go there. It is a vicious cycle that only you can stop) and tell yourself the truth. Literally write it out and say it out loud to yourself whenever you start thinking you love him and can’t live without him. Something like this

“He does not love me and has given me no reason to love him. I deserve and am worth so much more than what he can give me. He has proven to me that he is incapable of loving me. That does not mean I am unlovable or that I am flawed in any way. This is not love and I do not need it in my life. I am capable of protecting myself, I am strong, I am a grown woman who deserves to be treated with respect.” Keep saying it over and over again, or any other version of the same thing, as long as it reinforces you are enough, you are strong etc and not listing all your flaws.

5. You seem to think that because he was once married he is capable of love and commitment and that there must be something wrong with you if he doesn’t love you. Did you ever think that maybe he wasn’t any different in his marriage and that is why he is no longer married? Maybe he was a cold bastard to his wife and she finally left him and he was smart enough to realize he doesn’t like being married and he should be honest about that with women? Marriage does not indicate an ability to love and be faithful. A 30 year marriage does not indicate two happy people, ask anyone who was married to a narcissist for 10-20-30 years. You really are creating a whole person in your head and running on misguided truths.

6. Another possibility is that you are actually afraid of commitment and true honest intimacy,  so you seek out men who are unable to commit, keeping yourself “safe”. Purposely picking a man who reject you right from the start of the relationship protects you from ever truly opening up and exposing your most vulnerable areas and being rejected for it.

It is human nature to want to be loved and wanted, we are born needy and with any luck we are raised by parents who ensure we always know we are loved and accepted, who encourage us to express our feelings and be the best version of us we can be. But humans are fallible, our parents are packing baggage from their past that they may inadvertently unload on us. They may have unrealistic expectations of who we should be and not allow us to develop into our own person. Other people may be raised to believe love is conditional, or that we are totally unlovable no matter how hard we try to be what they want. Maybe your parents were perfect but you were abused my a relative, or teacher, or you were raped and never dealt with the after math or were made to feel it was your fault. There is endless reasons why you may feel you are not worthy of love not even respect. I truly feel that if you find out what these lies are that you believe about yourself and have subconsciously reinforced your whole life, you will find the answer to why you can’t walk away.

What can you do about it right now?

I know it is easier said than done; but you really need to go no contact. Without explanation or excuses or ultimatums. You need to take a break from any relationship and find out who you are and why you don’t like yourself.

Dr Phil said one time, “We teach people how to treat us.” and it is very true. This fellow you are seeing treats you the way he does because you let him. You think that if you don’t give him what he wants when he wants it, he will leave you. You don’t realize that you would not be losing anything. Neither would he, because he has nothing invested in the relationship, he can always find a woman for sex. Don’t you want a man who enjoys all of you? values you and worries as much about losing you as you worry about losing him? A love relationship where both people are invested and you are not the only one. Love does not hurt like this, co-dependency hurts like this, unmet expectations hurts like this, not living true to your core being hurts like hell, not having boundaries hurts, never having your feelings considered hurts, BUT the most hurtful thing happening in your life right now is the lies you are telling yourself about yourself. I am sure you would not let a friend carry on with a man like this knowing she is short changing herself and allowing herself to be abused and used. Do you have a daughter? wouldn’t it break your heart to see her lower herself to this level? Have as much compassion for yourself as you would anyone else.

We are here as moral support any time.

Hugs

Carrie

 

Over Two Million Views

Yesterday the blog rolled over 2 million hits in total; with over 2200 followers. There are blogs with many more followers and zillions of hits but for someone who just hoped my words reached one woman and let her know she was not alone or crazy 2 million is like winning the lotto. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would reach that many people from all over the world!

It has been extremely difficult to not have an internet connection lately, I hate not being here if someone comments and needs help but the people here have done a great job supporting each other.

I have learned so much from this blog, from the people who visit here and received so much support and love I can’t imagine where I would be had I not reached out in desperation looking for answers and a reason to live. I felt empty and like I could not carry on when I started the blog and the people here filled me with love, encouragement, support and made me accountable, they shared their pain, their joy, and at times they put food on my table and a roof over my head.

I always loved to write, it was my therapy but never did I think anyone would want to read what I have to say and now I have 2230 people who actually signed up to be notified when I publish a post! Little old me. Like they say, one person can change the world, even if just a little bit.

Before I lost my internet I downloaded a bunch of my top posts from here and Quora and have taken the opportunity to work on my book in the evenings. Reading old posts and the comments has brought back so many memories and I wonder where some of the people are and how their lives are. Did they go on to find love? Have they found inner peace and no longer allow anyone else to define them? That is what I hope.

Some still come here and it fills my heart when I see them supporting a new visitor to the blog and I see my words coming out of their mouths, preaching no contact just like I did to them when they came in here feeling lost and broken.

There are a few I know of who are still with their abuser and I worry about them, Jill being one that crosses my mind often, others who stopped coming because they went back and then months later show up more broken than before. There have been victories, court cases won and children used as pawns by the narcissist. There are people like me who have been destroyed financially by their ex and struggle daily to survive. Mothers who didn’t get to see or even hear from their children yesterday. Victims are all different, from all walks of life but they all have one thing in common; they are strong, supportive, caring, and making the world a better place just by being existing.

They have all been told they are “too sensitive” like it is a bad thing to care about other people, that they are crazy, and they all doubt themselves, isn’t it a good thing to have self reflection and be willing to admit you might be wrong, isn’t it a good thing to want to see the good in people and believe everyone has a good side? Where would the world be without the caring, empathetic people?

I would hate to live in a world without the sensitive caring people; I cringe at the thought of what the world would be like. It is the caring sensitive in the world that instigate positive change, champion a cause, and change the world. Do not ever feel you are less than the other guy because you care!!

The world needs MORE people like you, not less!!! and don’t let the narcissist steal that from you.

 

 

Put The Bullshit Aside – This Is All That Matters

As promised I am posting another comment made by a visitor of the blog. I read it, walked away, cried, my heart broke, I took a moment of silent reflection; I hope she felt the hug I was sending her through the miles. I find it hard to imagine she didn’t feel it because I could feel it almost like she was in my arms.
I thought I had composed myself enough to reply without tears but the minute I put my fingers down to type the tears were streaming down my face. This woman has lived my greatest nightmare, I can not possibly know what she has lived through, just trying to imagine brings me to my knees. 
But as with all tragedy, there are lessons to be learned and she has a very important lesson to share, one I felt deserving of it’s own post.
You see, this will be the one thousands post, there have been over 22,000 comments made on the blog; about every subject possible to do with narcissists. We rant, rave, do our own arm chair analysis of the relationship, we try to figure out why he did what he did, who he did it with, we discuss all we lost, how we don’t know how we will carry on, start over, ever find love again………. and we beat the subject into the ground for months, sometimes years, before we pull ourselves up and take control of our happiness once again. Hopefully!! Some of us will go back a couple more times, believe his lies until we believe our lies, putting value on worthless things and devaluing the only things worth anything at all, things that are priceless and irreplaceable. 
I hope you will read her comment, take a few minutes to absorb it and understand it and then read it a couple more times. It is THAT important. It is a message I have tried to convey but this message is coming from someone who has lived it and therefore is an authority on the subject of “What is really important in life”. 
When you have everything taken away you are left trying to figure out who you are. For years you have been someone’s daughter, wife, mother, you are identified by the car you drive, the neighborhood and house you live in, who your friends are, your profession, the size of your bank account. Some people go their whole life defining themselves by material things and what other people think of them, determining their worth in the world but all these meaningless worthless things. 
Without all these things who are you? That is when you have to be totally honest, face the true demons, the ones inside you, you have to just be you. You are all you have, if you let yourself down you have no one to blame. 
Here is Liz’s comment, she says it better than I.
Liz Catherine
January 8, 2016 at 12:41 pm

I want to bring a new perspective to these discussions with the hope of moving forward. I have posted here before and so I receive the latest comments which have recently saddened me.

My son was killed in an accident 3 years ago, and what I live with is that I allowed my partner to try to steal from our time and happiness together for 5 years before he died, aged 20. I allowed my ex to have greater needs to the sitting room than we did, to the extent that we stayed in the kitchen at all times. I allowed my ex, through controlling and manipulative tactics, to make me feel guilty for us being there or laughing with my boys and disturbing his peace (even though my sons and I were far quieter and more polite out of fear, than is healthy). I allowed that, no matter what the reason.. fear of confrontation, abandonment, approval or love.

The last time my son, Tom, spent the day with me at our house, there was a miracle.. my ex was out. We laughed, sang and played games free from the cold stare and judgement of being our happy selves. Tom wanted to play my ex’s accoustic guitar for us to sing to. Although he was a very talented guitarist, I knew I had to phone to ask my ex for permission. The answer was a straight, cold ‘No’ and no reason given. We smiled at each other compassionately, drove to fetch Tom’s own guitar, and had a magical afternoon of singing and playing our favourite songs. It is a memory I cherish, like all of the memories of him being with me in this life, and that day was only 4 days away from never being able to see him again. Nobody will ever steal the joy I shared with my son, and what is absolutely certain, is that noone could ever take a moment’s happiness from his life.. Tom was joy and love and thankfulness personified.

We can all be selfish and put our own needs for love/approval/money or anything else before what is really and truly important in this life. If you’ve lost a world of assets at the hand of a narcissist, but have your loved ones and your own soul in tact, then you haven’t lost at all. You’ve learnt a lesson. I learnt a lesson too.. that only Love gives us the ability to be honest about ourselves, to be grateful for what we have and have had, and to let go of the need to feel wounded. The loss of a child shows you that there is NO loss you can possibly suffer that comes close to their loss of their future. The only thing you can do in the face of it, is to go forth and live out your own future with integrity and love for others, in their place. If you can learn this lesson of letting go of everything but Love, without having to lose what is actually most precious of all to you, then you will have understood.