Category Archives: Loving a Narcissist

The Tools Of A Narcissist

Imagine if you will; you’ve been on your own for almost a year, or maybe it’s even been a couple of years; however long it’s been since you left the narcissist who feasted on your heart and you are finally whole.

You’ve done alot of hard work putting the pieces of your life together, you have found a new you under all the pain and confusion. You are feeling stronger and you’ve set new healthy boundaries, no man is ever going to have that control over you again.

You’ve been dating, nothing too serious and you doubt you will ever meet another man who will stir up the passion you had with the narcissist. But that’s ok because it was that passion that brought you to your knees and made you sacrifice everything.

Life is ok and you are ok with just ok. No passion, but no emotional roller coaster either.

Then, the phone rings. You check call display, it’s become a habit, he hasn’t called in months, a year? You used to count the hours, days, since you last talked to him but it’s been so long you’ve lost count. Your heart stops, it’s him. You stare at the phone, your mind races; you wonder why he’s calling now, what could he possibly say now, remember; “curiosity killed the cat”.

Oh but damn, it’s so hard to put that phone down and walk away. You’re stronger now, you just want to see what he has to say, you think this is your chance to tell him what you really think of him, you’re on to his games, he won’t be able to suck you back into his web of bullshit this time. You know what you are dealing with this time. And……you answer.

Hello?

Him in his soft, I couldn’t hurt a fly, soaked in honey voice,”Baby, I was afraid you wouldn’t answer. I don’t know if I should call or not, I just wanted to hear your voice. I need to know if you are ok.”

You, “You shouldn’t have called.”

Him, “Sorry. But it is really good to hear your voice.” he laughs nervously. “Are you doing ok?”

You’re forcing yourself to not smile. (He said it was good to hear your voice!! Heart get out of my throat) “I am doing good, no thanks to you! You really hurt me, left me with nothing but your shit and bills to clean up.”

Him in an even softer voice, “I know, and I am SO sorry. I will pay you back, that’s partly why I am calling. I’m finally making some decent money and you’re the first person I felt guilty about, I HAVE to try to make things right. I can’t live with myself knowing I hurt you……..I know I didn’t tell you enough, but you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

You are thrown off guard. He just admitted he did you wrong, he just basically apologized, he never admitted fault before! What’s going on?

He continues, “Look, I know you have every reason to not believe me and I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want to disrupt your life, I know I screwed it up and I have to live with my mistakes and the fact that it’s my fault I lost the only woman who ever really loved me and understood me, my soul mate. I just want the opportunity to at least pay you back.”

You, “I guess that would be ok. But I am seeing someone and have a new life now.”

Him, “I understand. You have found someone else. As long as you are happy, you deserve to be happy. I hope he treats you like the queen you are.”

You, “He’s a nice guy.”

Him, “Can I call you again?”

You, “I guess.”

Him with a sigh of relief, “Thank you Babe, that’s all I can ask of you. Thank you!”

You, “No biggie”. You are struggling to keep calm and sound indifferent but your mind is screaming, “What the hell is going on??!”

You, “Ok, well I should probably go.”

Him, “of course. I’m sorry to babble. I’ve missed you.”

You, “I used to miss you too.”

Him, “Babe?.”

You, “Yeah.”

Him, “There’s a song that always makes me think of you, Do You Drink About Me, just wanted you to know, it’s probably silly, forget I said anything. Sorry. I’ll let you go.” And in a barely audible whisper you think you hear him say, “I love you….”

*Click*

You, “Alexa? Play  Do You Drink About Me.

DON’T GO DOWN THAT RABBIT HOLE!!!

He has accomplished exactly what he set out to do. 

1. Get you thinking about him, wondering why he called now, what does he want, did he really say “I love you”, is he really sorry, has he changed??!!

2. Make you doubt yourself. 

3. Remind you that it wasn’t all bad.

4. Remind you of the passion and connection you had in the beginning.

5. Open the door, even a crack so he can slither back into your life.

And slither he will, just like the snake that he is. Once he is back in your life it won’t take long before you will be right back where you were. 

He’ll leave you alone for a few days, maybe send a text saying how good it was to hear your voice.

Then the next day, another text. “Have you listened to our song yet? I just heard it and thought of you.” (Notice now it is our song)

That night, “Still drinking of you. Goodnight Babe. Sweet dreams. I’ll be dreaming of you.”

Oh you would have to be a hard hearted Hannah to not start to weaken.

This is why No Contact is so vitally important. 

My next post. What To Do When The Narcissist Says All The Right Things.

 

Relationship Goals

 

http://www.iheartradio.ca/news/watch-bradley-cooper-lady-gaga-sing-shallow-in-vegas-1.8696604

If you haven’t seen the new “A Star Is Born”, you really need to. Once you do, you will join the millions of women around the world who want a love like Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga.

Come on, don’t deny it, even if you know it isn’t reality, there is this part of you that secretly wants that kind of passion, a love that can’t be denied, a love so strong, you forgive and forget over and over again.

Almost every victim of a narcissist will tell you that the narcissist is the love of their life, they are soul mates, and a love like that doesn’t come along everyday, you don’t just walk away from that kind of love. Anyone who tells you to be”just walk away and go no contact” doesn’t understand the intense love you have for each other. You will never find another love like this.

I have heard from hundreds of women; it was the most romantic, intense, whirlwind relationship they’ve ever had. They felt like they were in a romance movie. I remember thinking, “I thought this kind of love only happened in the movies”. A person doesn’t just walk away, from that feeling. The victim is in love with loving that person.

A narcissist is an academy award winning actor. It is no accident that you feel you are in a Oscar winning movie, some of the lines the narcissist fed you probably came straight from some movie, word for word.

A narcissist doesn’t have any true feelings, they study and imitate other people. Right now narcissists every where are watching women swoon over Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga, the way they stare into each other’s eyes, the intensity, the forbidden love they can’t deny, and they are probably practicing in front of a mirror.

When you meet the narcissist you feel like you have met your Bradley Cooper.

Even if at first you don’t really like him that much, it is a hard hearted Hannah who can walk away from a man who looks at them that way, who thinks you are the sexiest woman he has ever met, who’s touch sends electrical shocks through your body.

Since we were little girls we’ve been read stories about the prince who rides in and carries us away to live happily ever after, we’ve watched movies like Pretty Woman, Officer and A Gentleman, A Star Is Born, Dirty Dancing, to name just a few; and we dream of someday finding that kind of love.

When I met my ex the intensity made me pull away at first, I didn’t believe anyone fell in love that quickly. I struggled with feelings of wanting to run in the opposite direction because I hate love sick puppies and telling myself it’s ok if a man loves you more than you love him. For once in your life let a man take care of you, don’t be so damned independent, let your guard down and enjoy the moment.

When, after making love for the 3rd time that day; my ex stared into my eyes, pulled me close and held me like his life line; and with tears spilling onto his cheeks whispered, “I think I’ve fallen in love with you”. My heart filled with love for him and I thought to myself, “You have to be very careful to not hurt him”.

A year later I was thinking, “I don’t care if he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, as long as I can have him in my life, I will be happy.”

It’s what makes strong, self sufficient, intelligent women weak in the knees, willing to forgive the unforgivable and do seemingly stupid things.

It’s not that they can’t walk away, they don’t want to walk away. It’s the one thing they can’t do for themselves, they don’t need a man to provide for them, slay dragons for them, buy them a castle, or fix anything for them; they can do all that! But, to be loved just the way you are, to have a man look into your soul and love you like neither of you have ever loved before, or will again. To find your soul mate, find passion, is something a person can’t buy or fake, (or so we think).

I admit, even after experiencing my fairytale romance shattering into pieces; I still look at Bradley Cooper’s eyes when he looks at Lady Gaga, and I desperately want to believe.

And that is why, ladies and gentlemen; women stay.

There were times when my ex seemed genuinely baffled I was angry about catching him in a lie. He was giving me the fantasy, he was saying all the right things, why was I not happy? He didn’t understand why it mattered what he did with other women in other towns as long as he pretended to be faithful to me. As long as he called me every night,professed his love, told me how much he missed me and was going to bed early and alone; what did it matter if he was with another woman professing his love for her? To him, feelings were an obscure concept. How can you understand feelings if you are unable to feel?

But for the victim, the idea that someone could fake such intensity is impossible. But think about it, crying at the movies, if actors can make you believe, so can a narcissist.

Bradley and Gaga made a love movie, they acted in love and we fell for it. We want to believe.

“OMG, How Stupid Can She Be?”

My mom and I watched “Dirty John” on Netflix the other night. My mother kept saying how stupid Debra was to continue seeing John. I kept reminding her of the one thing people forget; that at the time it is happening the victim is not privy to what is going on behind the scenes.

When people watch the movie or even when the victim tries to explain what happened; they have the benefit of already knowing the person is an abusive narcissist, they know basically how the story ends.

No victim would have stayed had they seen the movie and knew how it would end.

I suppose they have to make the movie that way to show the audience the full story, but there really should be 2 movies, one simply showing what the victim saw and then a version showing what was truly going on.

You also have to understand what the victim has been through in their life and the dialogue playing in her head, before anyone can judge and say, “It would never happen to me.”

Like Debra, I had been a single mom for years, met some real losers, and had always been responsible, worked full time, bent over backwards for the people I loved and I was tired!

Like Debra and her daughter, my teenage son was giving me grief with his attitude.

Through the years and any relationship I had I was the main bread winner, the home owner, the reliable one, the peace keeper, and care taker. I had been told by men I dated that I was “too independent”. I watched girl friends meet guys who wanted to take care of them and spoil them. I was told I didn’t give the nice guys a chance because if a guy was clingy I dumped him. I hated love struck puppies.

In the months prior to meeting my ex, my 3rd marriage had failed, I lost my home and everything I had worked for the past 20 years and my ex claimed backruptcy, so I lost my pristine credit rating also. I had started a new job making $10/hr instead of the $17 I was used to. My son had quit school and I had lost all control of him.

I was done! I was tired, my face had broken out in acne for the first time in my life from nerves, my son treated me with disrespect, I was drinking too much, I felt defeated.

My mother owned a small cabin at a lake where I had once owned a cabin. I asked to rent it and she said I could take over the mortgage payments on it and any equity in it would be my inheritance. She had given my brother approximately the same amount when he bought his first house. We agreed to keep it in her name because my STB ex was going bankrupt and we didn’t want to take the chance of me losing the cabin.

I was to pay $650/month mortgage payment, which, on $10/hr; was hard enough to cover but there was a lease payment every year and property taxes totalling a couple thousand dollars.

I felt like that poster you used to see every where a few years ago, of the kitten clinging to the end of a rope by its claws. My mom was remarried to a man with money and they were traveling the world. She had only ever dreamed of a life like that and she was having the time of her life and understandably, didn’t want anything or anyone to burst her bubble.

My mother was calling me daily to complain about my son. As is typical in small communities, people gossip, everyone knows everyone’s business and she was hearing about my son’s activities.

I had to work and had no control of him during the day, his father said,”you wanted him, you got him, deal with it”. When I asked for help.

I was a prime target for the charms of a narcissist. The story book romance, my knight in shining armor, a man who made me feel sexy, alive, and like everything about me was perfect.

I wasn’t looking for love, I was looking to have a good time, but like they say, “When you stop looking for love, when you least expect it, love will walk into your life.”