Category Archives: Loving a Narcissist

The Narcissist and Addiction

signs-of-cheating-husband

I had a question on the 3 Phases of a Relationship with a Narcissist post asking if narcissists are known to have addiction issues, the person said their partner is an alcoholic and sex addict.

Almost all narcissists have an addiction of some sort and sex is the most common.

Why?

There are several reasons.

1.  Narcissists hate rules. Telling a narcissist not to do something is almost certain to guarantee he will go straight out and do exactly what he has been told not to do. Narcissists are known for breaking rules, societal and marital, cheat on tests, etc and often times operate on the fringes of the law. As children, they are the child that is always disobeying the simplest of family rules. As teens, they are often times in trouble with the police, don’t abide by curfews, disruptive at school, they are always pushing the envelop.

2. Often times they are adrenalin junkies and from an early age will engage in dangerous activities such as speeding, have a fascination with fire, hurt their siblings or family pets, it seems everything is done to the extreme. * Warning narcissists seem to think they are invincible, superior to mere humans and seldom practice safe sex, so if you are with a narcissist please get tested for STD’s. Many women have come in here with some sexually transmitted disease.

3. They have no boundaries, they don’t respect the boundaries of others and have none of their own. The only time they respect boundaries is if it is in their best interest, I remember telling my mother in law that the neighbours were upset because my ex would stay up all night working in his shop keeping everyone awake. Her reply was, “They are just going to have to accept that’s just the way he is.” I said, “When does he have to accept that people DON’T have to accept him just the way he is?”

4. Narcissist’s brains are wired differently than a normal person’s brain; not only are they unable to feel empathy or guilt, all their feelings are numbed. They are on a constant quest to feel.

5. They need instant gratification, combine their “what ever feels good, do it” attitude with a lack of conscience or guilt and the world is their oyster (or so they think), being faithful to one person is not very likely, if not totally impossible.

6. Narcissists are pathological liars, they lie even when they don’t have to just because they love pulling the wool over someone’s eyes. It’s fun, a game of strategy, and the victim hasn’t a clue they are playing a dangerous game with a mad man.

7. Contrary to how it may look, a narcissist actually hates intimacy. Many victims of a narcissist will tell you that in the beginning the narc was insatiable sexually and was the most attentive lover they have ever had but with time the love making became robotic, lacking any attention to the victims pleasure. If you are with him long enough eventually the sex is practically non-existent unless he is trying to win the partner back.

He is on a high in the beginning, like a drug he is getting off on winning you over, it reaffirms to him that he is irresistible, sexy, and “all that”. He knows he is lying and the simple fact that you don’t, is enough to keep him on his NS high. BUT once he has you the thrill is gone. He has the woman, now what? Because his feelings are so under developed, once the thrill of winning over the target ends, he feels dead inside.

In an ideal romantic relationship the initial infatuation ends and the couple transitions into a more relaxed, realistic  and comfortable relationship. This is when true love grows,  but like a switch going off he is acting like he brought you home from the bar for a one night stand and you are too stupid to know it’s time to go home. It was a horribly confusing time, how had I misread the cues so badly? He asked me to move in, didn’t he? All of a sudden he doesn’t want to do anything together and spends all his time on the internet or at work or his shop. He never wants to talk about anything and if you do talk it ends up in a fight. What happened?

8. Because he is unable to truly love he has no idea how to keep love alive. He is a lie, his whole life is a lie, when it comes to living together day to day he has nothing to give and that is when the discard usually starts. Getting married, moving in together, having a baby, whatever signifies to the narcissist that the target is fully committed. The thrill was sucking the victim in, so the narcissist must create chaos, drama, trauma and suspicion in order to keep the victim on tender hooks.

My ex used to spend hours staring into a fire or working in his shop, anything but spend time with me, he didn’t even come to bed. I used to ask him what he was thinking about and he would say, “Nothing”, of course I didn’t believe him, but now I really think he was thinking about nothing. You see, in order to get by in the world the narcissist has memorized appropriate responses to certain events, he has practiced and perfected certain emotions and he has learned how to mimic someone in love but he has no idea how to grow love, reciprocate healthy love. He only knows the script he has learned, and that is; how to suck a victim in. He watches love movies and gives women their Hollywood romance, but love movies always end with the happy couple going off into the sunset, very seldom do we see the mundane day to day life they live as a married couple. If there is anything a narcissist hates it is being bored.

It may start slow, with personal ads, where he hooks a lot of women, lies about his situation and is satisfied with just leading on a bunch of women he has no intention of meeting. For awhile that will give him the adrenalin rush he needs but like a junkie he builds a tolerance for the high and the victim becomes complacent, so he has to up his game, eventually he WILL cheat and often times have several women going at the same time.

Let me ask you something.

Did you ever find yourself thinking the N in your life was pretty careless, leaving some evidence of his infidelity out where you could find it, forgetting to sign out of his dating app, or dropping a letter to another woman, …… Of course he denied it adamantly and somehow turned the tables on you, accused you of spying on him, being paranoid or whatever.

9. They love the game of cat and mouse, they want to get caught, your pain is proof of his control over you. If I didn’t pick up on his cheating right away he would leave some evidence out for me to “find”.  If you dump him and he convinces you to go back to him, again; it is a source of narcissistic supply for him. He has you right where he wants you, no matter what he does, you will take him back. In his mind you deserve to be hurt for being so gullible to believe his lies.  Once he has you again the honeymoon is shorter and the abuse is worse. As my ex told me, “Whenever you took me back I thought to myself, “Well, I got away with that, what else can I get away with?” “It’s kinda your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back.”

Why get married then? For one thing it is a lot of work keeping that mask on plus he can not handle rejection and needs a constant source of narcissistic supply. That is what the wife is for, she is to be sitting at home waiting for him while he is off getting his strokes from other women. He rarely has only one woman in his life, he loves the drama of triangulation, like I said he lives for drama and conflict.

He also finds it most rewarding to steal some other man’s wife, if he can break up a marriage it is proof of his superiority. The narcissist wants every woman, and man for that matter to want him, he will woo the wife and destroy the marriage of his best friend just to say he can and then blame the woman and probably convince his buddy that he was the victim. My ex was having an affair with the older married neighbor lady in small town Saskatchewan when he was 12 yrs old. He has had 4 affairs with married women that I know of and broke up several dating type relationships.

Is it an addiction? more a compulsion or insatiable need, addiction carries the connotation that it can be overcome or fixed, a narcissist can not ever be fixed.

 

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Merry Christmas and New Year Resolutions

I am with my family at my brother’s but I wanted to take a minute to say Merry Christmas to you all and give a few words of encouragement to those of you who are having a terrible day and feeling lonely. I CAN relate and I can assure you that you will get through this and things will get better.merry-christmas-images-knvirlmt

My ex and I split at the end of November and were still very much in contact that first Christmas. He, in typical narcissist fashion had been bitching to all his friends about how badly I treated him and he had invitations for Christmas day. I, on the other hand had moved into a stranger’s trailer (a friend of a friend who worked out of town and was only home for a couple of weeks at Christmas and again in spring), my mother wasn’t talking to me, and my son lived in another province. I was not invited to attend the family Christmas dinner, I was broke, heart broken, and thought surely I would run out of tears soon, no one could possibly cry that much. I would sit and stare into space forgetting to blink, I thought maybe I could forget to breath and die, but no such luck.

Sometimes I forget how far I have come since then, some of the things I have accomplished.

I strongly advise any recent victims of narcissistic abuse to start a journal, if you are still with the narcissist even better. Make sure you don’t let the narcissist know you are writing a journal because he will read it and the less he knows the better. There is a tendency for the victim to want the narcissist to know how much he is hurting them in hopes he will feel bad. Because they know how badly they would feel if they found out they were hurting someone as much as you are hurting, but you have to remember that the narcissist does not hurt and gets off on your pain.

Journal so you can look back and remember how bad it was and how no matter how many things you tried you could never make him happy. So when the new year comes and you are filled with self doubt you can read how you kept repeating history over and over again like GroundHog Day and nothing ever changed.

If you are with the narcissist, he has undoubtedly ruined another celebration and you are crying and alone, didn’t get any gifts, ended up being told it was all your fault he is miserable or he didn’t show up for dinner at all. I remember one Thanksgiving my ex stayed in bed all day, another Thanksgiving he showed up hours late after we head off eating for 2 hours waiting for him because he didn’t answer his phone. There were the Christmas’s we were supposed to go to his family and never got there, no turkey, no gifts, and he never even called to tell them we weren’t coming and they would wait until they couldn’t wait any longer for us to walk through the door. They eventually stopped asking us and I eventually stopped expecting to celebrate any special occasions.

When we split and he was the life of the party with invitations to numerous houses for dinner, it was easy to feel miserable. Here I was, the one who had always made Christmas so special, who decorated the whole house and baked for months prior to Christmas, sitting home alone.

Things have never been the same since. That is one thing you really must accept, you will never go back to your “old self”, with work on your part, you will be a new and improved version of yourself. I have found that Christmas is overrated, what matters is how people treat you all year long. Most people are not having a Brady Bunch, Ozzie and Harriet Christmas.  The people who matter are the ones who cherish you all year long and when you start cherishing yourself, the people who don’t treat you well won’t matter.

I still love Christmas, but I almost prefer to be alone and celebrate time with my family all through the year.

I hope that you all got through the day ok, it is almost over and tomorrow is another day.

You have all been on my mind.

Lets all look forward to the new year with a positive attitude and determined to be the best we can be.

 

 

 

 

Rewiring Your Brain For The Holidays

(It has taken me a week to write this post, I started before Thanksgiving but I have been going through a depression lately due to my health and being denied disability yet again. I simply have not been functioning, the house didn’t get cleaned, I didn’t answer the phone, I withdrew. I am ok, just grappling with this living day to day lifestyle I am forced to live with. This is not the life I saw for myself and I struggle with being alone, not with being without a man during the holidays, I am ok with that. It’s the not being with my boy and my granddaughter. When you only have one child it’s just the way it is sometimes. Anyway, here is the post I have been working on)

brain-ewired

It’s that time of year again; Thanksgiving, with Christmas in hot pursuit; and you are already anticipating how lonely and sad you are going to be. If you are in contact with the ex narc he is taking every opportunity to rub salt in your wounds by making a big deal of gift giving, attending functions with the new woman and showing the world just how happy and in love he is.

The little voice in your head is repeating the mantra, “Maybe it was all your fault.” “You are going to be so lonely” “You will never love like you loved the narcissist ever again”, “If only he would have loved you like you love him”, “If only he was the man you met” (but he is with the new woman, he is that way with every woman when he first meets them, until he has them firmly hooked), “All you wanted was for him to love you”, “Maybe if you wouldn’t have confronted him about the other woman, not coming home, the personal ads, not having a job, or whatever else you confronted him on; he would be with you this Christmas and there is always the, “What if the light finally went on for him and new woman is reaping the rewards of all your hard work?”.

You have a whole month to get yourself really depressed by Christmas and you could come up with many reasons why it is the narc’s fault. 

You would be correct that he is to blame for much of your pain and I am not trying to diminish the narc’s responsibility for your pain; but if you ever want to get past the pain you have to somehow start viewing the whole experience with realistic eyes. You have to keep bringing yourself back to reality. 

You allowed yourself to get sucked into the fantasy, you didn’t realize it was a fantasy but it was and in the end you were lying to yourself as much as he was lying, in fact; in the end you were the one doing most of the lying, he was showing his true colors and you blindly refused to see or accept it. It’s hard to give up your dream, your fantasy. I know, believe me I know; when I was going through it I was thinking, “Yeah, it’s easy for you to say that, you have never loved like I love my ex. What we had was special, I loved/love him with my whole being, with every fibre of myself.” I truly never thought I would stop loving him, I clung to my pain and to that “love” like it was my lifeline. I thought I had to know what he was doing, I had to love him; loving him had become as much a part of me as breathing, eating, functioning day to day.  Even if I could talk to him once a day I could function, but go no contact? The thought of it was enough to put me into a panic attack.

We had a pattern, he would say it was over, I would move  out, he would start being nice, call to see if I had eaten supper, my truck would break down and I would have to call him to rescue me, we would be friendly, I would pretend to be casual, he would try to get sexy and I would pretend to say no, we would end up in bed, I would assume we were back together, he would stay the night and not leave, and the cycle would continue. After we had done it half a dozen times I thought, that is just the way we are, we will never really break up. The last two times we got back together I didn’t believe his lies but I told myself, “It can’t be my fault if he hurts me because he is lying, how can it be MY fault?!” It was easier to believe the lies than walk away”

The moment I knew I had to let go of that dream was when he was gloating to me when his ex died and had spent the last 15 years of her life pining away for him, stalking him, warning the new women in his life and the whole time she would have taken him back in a heartbeat. She couldn’t let go of the fantasy, even though she could recite everything he did to her and how much he hurt her, you could tell when you listened to her that she still loved him and had sacrificed the rest of her life to revenge, she had become her pain, it became her identity. I could relate; she had lived to love him and ended up living to mourn the loss of him. I was not going to be like her, I was not going to go to my grave caring what he was doing or who.  Spend 15 years reciting all the ways he hurt me and packing venomous hatred that would slowly kill me? I don’t think so!

  Before my ex, I used to believe that we had no control over what we thought; victims say it all the time, “I can’t stop thinking about him and the new woman, I can’t stop wondering if I was to blame.” Although it is easier to just let your mind take you on these pity trips and keep you in victimhood, you CAN change what you think about if you are diligent about making yourself face reality. Every time your mind starts to lie to you, repeating the same mantra over and over again, you have to argue with it (if you are out in public it is best to have this argument in your head and not use your outloud voice). 

It won’t be easy, breaking bad habits seldom is, you have been brainwashed,neuro pathways were formed in your brain and every time you are triggered to think a certain way your brain takes the path of least resistance, it goes where it knows, which embeds those thoughts or beliefs even deeper in your brain. But all is not lost, the brain CAN be retrained and new pathways can be made and over time and practice you will develop healthier and deeper pathways than the ones left by the narcissist. Here is an excerpt from an article I read on the topic of trauma survivors; 

Here is how it works: as a young person, probably around the age of 15 or 16, you learned to drive a car; this took a great deal of intentional thought and effort. Remember how you gripped the steering wheel and carefully executed every action? Now, you hop into the driver’s seat without giving it a second thought. This is because your brain laid down a neuro pathway for the completion of this task; from start to finish, a set of synapses occur to complete the action.
In trauma, a similar pathway is set down; it can even be additionally ingrained due to shock or intensity. Therefore, when a single trigger or set of triggers occur, the emotions associated with the trauma are revisited.

But, due to neuroplasticity, this does not always have to be the case. New pathways can be created through changes in behavior, environment and neuro processes. Not only is the brain capable of creating new pathways, it is designed to do so. The brain is highly resilient and desires flexibility. The brain functions at its best when it is limber and rich with options. The incredible thing is that the human brain has a very real desire to heal itself.

Creating new pathways necessitates a great deal of awareness, mindfulness and acknowledgment of the present. Yet, in time, these new pathways will eclipse the old, thus allowing trauma survivors. 

You can find the full article here:

5-prcent

95% of the time a person is thinking with their subconscious mind, that is scary when you think how twisted your thinking became after being with the narcissist, the warped way he expected you to view things; is it any wonder you are having trouble dealing.

I know personally how a person’s mind can lie to them. I have shared before about being anorexic/bulimic for almost 20 years and how when I looked in a mirror I saw fat, it didn’t matter how much weight I lost, feeling skinny was as fleeting as my next meal. I weighed myself 20 or more times a day, being up a pound could send me into a tailspin and depression and self doubt. It took me years before I could look in the mirror and see that I was not fat, every time I looked in the mirror and thought I looked heavy I would tell myself that my mind was lying to me, I was not fat and prove to myself that I was not fat; I threw my scale out, (no contact with the scale), that was a huge step! and I gauged if I was gaining weight by how my clothes fit, I joined a gym, I ate healthy and I allowed myself to “fail” once in awhile.

I still have cognitive dissonance when I paint something or write something; I never think it is any good at the time I am doing it, but later I will see something I painted and find myself thinking it’s pretty good and then realize I painted it, or I enjoy reading an article that sounds familiar and  realize I wrote it.

I admit I still have a ways to go on the self confidence front. I used to think I was the only one who had self doubt, but you know what? I think almost everyone has it from time to time. Narcissists have learned to monopolize on everyone’s insecurities and then criticizes the victim for being insecure and needing reinforcement.

Some people would disagree with me but I believe self improvement is a lifelong process, you never finish the job and if there is something you don’t like about yourself you can always change it.

So what does all this have to do with Christmas and being happy through the holidays? Being sad and lonely is totally a mind thing, your mental attitude can be helped a lot by how you view your life, if you believe the lies your mind is telling you and if you let go of your expectations.

Most families are NOT having a Norman Rockwell Christmas and you and your ex certainly didn’t have them. People on FaceBook post pics that would make you think otherwise, but believe me, there are more family fights and tears through the holidays than any other time of year and a lot of it is because of expectations and disappointment.

If you have children you have a responsibility to make it special for them, you can fake it for a day or two for your kids can’t you? I know it is hard, it seems the narcissist is all you can think about or talk about but if you can put your mind to something else, anything else (except finding another man) I think you will find people are much more supportive and friendly to you. People are uncomfortable around unhappy people, people get bored hearing the same complaints over and over again. Yes, you need to talk about it but you also have to learn to not talk about him/her, it’s all part of retraining your brain to think about other things.

You will never regret time spent on self improvement but trust me, you WILL regret the time you waste obsessing about him and what he is doing. If you are going to be alone through the holiday season think about volunteering at a soup kitchen, seniors home or animal shelter, places are always short of staff through the holiday season. If you have money, how about contacting your nearest women’s shelter and adopt a family this Christmas. I have already done that this year, a woman with 3 children just left her abusive ex with nothing. I don’t have much money but it was amazing what I was able to find when I dug through cupboards and I painted them each a Christmas bauble.  To help someone else always makes me feel better, it feels good to do nice things for people, and most people are very appreciative.

But no matter what happens, remember Christmas day only has 24 hours, just like any other day and you can do anything for 24 hours.

neuroplasticity_300

 

When I Knew He Had Lost His Control Over Me

I think all victims of narcissistic abuse feel the same way I did; that no matter how hard they tried no one really believed them. The narcissist was telling outrageous lies about the victim and people, family and friends lapped it up; but when the victim tried to tell their side no one would listen. In court, the police, society in general; no one believed them. The victim gets re-victimized over and over again; and every time they are disbelieved or blamed for the demise of the relationship they become more determined to prove their case. They become panic, their nerves are raw, constantly in the fight or flight mode, they wait for the next attack from the narcissist. What will he do this time? When will he strike? How will they ever prove to people he is a narcissist and they are the true victim? They remain a victim even though they have left the narcissist and feel the only way they can heal and move is if the narcissist admits wrong doing.  The narcissist sucks them in time and time again and the victim is revictimized again and again by the narcissist making it even harder for people to believe the abuse because if it was so bad why do they keep going back?

Why do people believe the narcissist and not the victim? Well, its shitty, but people believe the narcissist because he is so calm, rational and certain about events and his “innocence”. He has practised being a “victim” and he doesn’t feel guilt. Guilt, self doubt, taking any blame whatsoever, makes a person look guilty. The narcissist will take some of the blame; “I should have stood up for myself”, “I should have known I couldn’t fix her”, “I shouldn’t have let her push my buttons”. He will cry real tears, AND he started the whole victim act long before he actually left the relationship; while he was still telling the victim that if only she would do this or that, the relationship would be saved. The victim was so busy jumping through endless hoops trying to get the N to love her again, she was oblivious to his campaign to destroy her reputation and make his exit.

Really, when you think about it, the victim is pretty hard to believe. What other people see from a typical victim:

– She has kept her mouth shut about the abuse. Either she is ashamed of the situation she has allowed herself to get into or she was protecting him.

– The victim is an emotional basket case whereas the narcissist is calm.

– The victim seems uncertain about events, time lines, is generally confused.

– And, she keeps going back!

The more she is disbelieved the more anxious she gets and desperate to prove she is the victim. People are turned off by desperation. I don’t know why, but as much as I fight it, I still find myself pulling away from people who are desperate and “Woe is me”.  Yet I have been there, desperate to be believed, understood and validated. I eventually gave up on trying to find validation. I got sick of sounding like a broken record and I knew I could not keep asking, “Why me?” and keep seeing him.

A common trait of the victims of a  narcissist is; they are extremely adept at picking up on the moods of others, were often the peace keepers of the family and they have honed that skill while with the narcissist. Their senses are heightened to the max, looking for cues to the narcissists mood 24/7, trying to avoid conflict and more importantly keep the N happy. Once they leave the N they are still running on “high alert” and are extremely sensitive to everyone’s moods and often times read things into the comments or actions of those around them. They end up living in a constant state of reacting to others, consumed with “What did they mean by that?” “Are they mad at me?” Because everything was their fault while with the narcissist, they feel everything is their fault, always! I realized that it was pretty narcissistic of me:

I was so frustrated trying to please everyone and I was pleasing no one. My mom angry because I had stayed, my ex slandering me to customers, friends and anyone who would listen; even me! twisting facts and rewriting history to suit his agenda, I was going through my days afraid of offending people, afraid of not being believed and not finding compassion and understanding, so I stopped.

It was then that I decided that I was going to live true to me, I was the only one who knew where my heat was, what my intentions were and I chose to never do anything ever again that I was not at peace with. I decided to never let anyone, a.n.y.o.n.e. pressure me into doing something I was not totally at peace with. I analyzed every feeling I had, was I being too sensitive? did I have a right to be angry? and I also decided to stop guessing at what people meant, what people were feeling, what their intentions were and just ask! If my feelings were hurt I would express that and ask for the other person’s side and often times either I had misunderstood their intension or they had not realized they hurt me. I realized that it was so much easier to just express my feelings than try to guess what people were thinking.

The other thing that plagues victims, is their guilt, that is why I don’t advocate revenge. Whenever I got revenge on my ex it felt good at the time and then the guilt would set in and he would use it to his advantage every time. One time when I discovered more of his personal ads on the net I keyed his truck. It felt great at the time but once the adrenaline wore off and he twisted the truth and made me feel guilty, I ended up paying for it for the rest of the relationship and I am sure to this day he is telling everyone what a nut case I am.

I always forgave and forgot; he expected the slate to be swiped clean after every feeble apology but any little mistake or perceived crime of mine was brought up and embellished forever more.

The line between, telling the truth in order to protect myself and revenge blurred. Here is the link to a post I did a few years ago about that blurred line and the narcissist’s need for revenge.  The victim is criticized by the narcissist for their natural instinct to protect themselves.

The only choice the victim has is to live honestly and true to their core beliefs and moral code, that way they can never be manipulated through guilt or threats of “being exposed”. This was proven to me this year when a police officer contacted my mother looking for me because I was “Inciting violence against my ex” through my blog.

My mother was panicked but I stayed surprisingly calm, I knew I would deal with it and I called the cop immediately.  We played telephone tag for a while but eventually connected.  I was calm, rational and not the least bit concerned about whether the cop believed me or not. I felt it welling up in me, that old panicky feeling, the “but he did this or that”, but I pushed it down and stuck to the facts. I knew why I started the blog, I knew what my intention was and is and I knew I didn’t want to go to court or to jail but I also knew I had a right to speak my truth; I just had to find out how to do it legally.

Initially the cop was all business, and I could tell he thought I was a vindictive bitch but the more we talked I could feel him softening and I could tell there was doubt in his mind regarding what my ex had told him and that what I was saying was the truth. But as much as I was tempted to fill the cop in on everything my ex had done, I didn’t; if he had read my blog he knew and that was not the issue. The issue was, how can I speak my truth without getting in trouble with the law and what are my rights.

The link to a post I did on it is here

The point I wanted to make with this post is this:

For the most part, we give the narcissist everything he needs to hurt us and we have to become aware of that and start acting in our best interest. We all have said, “I didn’t ask to be lied to, abused or slandered”. No, none of us knew what we were getting into, but now that we know what we are dealing with, we need to step back and think clearly and not emotionally. It will work in your favor in all your relationships, believe me.

 

 

 

Advice If You Are With A Narcissist But Don’t Want To Leave

I got a comment on the “30 Red Flags” post the other day and thought it was a topic worth talking about again.

broke own heart

I mean really, there must be some other advice when you discover you are with a narcissist, other than “RUN”. I remember how frustrated I’d become when searching for answers years ago; every single site I came to (there weren’t that many 10-12 years ago) said to leave. I didn’t want to leave, I wanted advice on how to stay, I loved this man, there must be a way of coping with his issues, some secret to having a doable relationship. I didn’t need a knight in shining armor, I was willing to compromise, communicate differently, feed his ego more. If I needed to give him space, or love him more, or express myself differently, I was willing to do whatever it took, just tell me so I can go about saving him and our relationship, but I was not going to jump ship and desert him. I loved this man with all my heart!

I have always thought that nothing is impossible if you are willing to do the work, that there is a solution to every problem if you don’t give up, and that true love will prevail. All relationships go through rough times but if you weather the storms you will be rewarded with true love and devotion, at 80 you will be sitting side by side in your rocking chairs with the love of your life laughing about the stupid fights you used to have. You will look knowingly at each other, because the storms will have brought you closer together.

Ah, yes, true enduring love! I do believe it exists, and I do believe that these days of instant gratification and “out with the old and in with the new” mentality are making “happily ever after” a lot harder to find, but it can be found; just not with a narcissist.

Sticking with the person you love is an admirable thing, it shows good character and that you are a person of your word, responsible, and have a heart, all the things of a narcissist does not have. *Hint number #1 – Both people must have these qualities in order for it to work.

 

Anyway, here is the comment:

I am newly married.. Im 23. I feel like everything you posted reminds me of my new husband. I have recently felt so uncomfortable in our home. No he isn’t cheating. He is just really mad. And under ” a lot of stress” when there is nothing to stress about. He never says he loves me or kisses me for no reason anymore. He used to be so loving and so caring about my wants and needs. Now nothing.. We have been together over 4 years now. I thought we were best friends, we enjoyed everything together.. Now everything is opposite and fights. I don’t know what to do.. Any advice other than run away?

psychopath

My reply:

Keisha, I know it is not so easy to walk away from a marriage, a new marriage. I am sure you don’t want to give up on your marriage, are afraid of what friends and family would think and say, plus you thought you had met your soulmate, your partner for life! You don’t want to think it was all a scam. You want the fairytale, happily ever after relationship you signed up for. You vowed, “For better or worse” and you sure don’t want to run at the first sign of “worse”.
By asking for advice, “other than run” you are in essence asking for tips on how to be married to a narcissist; and there are none. If you want to know how to be reasonably happy with a narcissist, how to manipulate a narcissist to do what you want, how to argue with a narcissist, how to reason with a narcissist, how to make a narcissist happy, how to avoid conflict with a narcissist, how to make a narcissist love you, how to make a narcissist be faithful, – there are no tips or advice to be given because all of the above are impossible.

So then we come to how you can change yourself so you can be happy and yet stay in the relationship; there are lots of things you can try but you have to remember, the narcissist doesn’t like you to be happy so you will constantly have to lie and sneak to be happy, in other words hide your happiness from him which is an oxymoron right there.

Even if you give up all expectations of the narc, don’t expect gifts for any occasions, don’t expect to ever go out, never expect the narc to show up, keep his promises, be faithful, or care one iota about you or the kids you will have, even if you give up your family and friends and live only for the narcissist and be at his beck and call 24/7, smile happily when he saunters through the door after being MIA for 3 days; He will still find fault, push your buttons until you break, to the point of you finding him in bed with your best friend and then him being angry with you for being upset. “But he should have known, you always have been a selfish bitch and he can not deal with your warped view of reality.”
Take it from a woman who tried everything, sacrificed everything, far more than material possessions, I sacrificed my self esteem, values, morals, boundaries, friendships and family and he still cheated and later even taunted me to kill myself. That is the one thing I refused to give him; my life and he has been pissed about it ever since.
But if you are determined to not run, this is my advice to you.
First of all, know this; they do not ever change.
What not to do:
– Don’t tell him that you think he is a narcissist in hopes he will want to change. They can’t change, they are born this way, their brains are wired totally different than a normal brain, he can not feel empathy, guilt, remorse and he really just can not care nor does he want to. Telling him he is a narcissist could put you in danger.
– Don’t believe a word he says, if his lips are moving, he is lying, get used to it.
– Don’t have any expectations
– Don’t rely on him for your self worth, keep your friends and family
– Don’t try couples counseling, he will just manipulate the counselor into thinking it is all your fault and he is the victim or if you get a counselor who knows anything about narcissists he will decide the counselor is a quack and refuse to attend.
– Don’t bother trying to explain why the things he does hurt you in hopes that some day you will be able to explain it in such a way that he will finally understand and stop doing what he is doing.

Accept that this is the way your relationship is going to go. It will eventually get so bad that you feel you have no choice but to leave because he will act like he can’t stand the fact that you are breathing his air. BUT if you do leave he will do everything within his power to get you back, even apologize for everything he ever did wrong.
If you go back, the abuse will be worse than ever and the cycle will continue. The honeymoon period will be shorter and the abuse worse.

Keep reading up on narcissists, keep coming here for support, keep a journal so you can see the pattern and that you are repeating history over and over again and nothing ever gets better.

  • Journaling is the number one best thing you can do for many reasons; it will help you keep your sanity for when he gaslights you and says things didn’t happen, twists your words, rewrites history, when you find out 6 months later he was lying, to be used in court to prove abuse, when he eventually kills you it will give the police and your family answers to what happened. (Please visit Myinnerchick.com it is written by the sister of a woman murdered by her soon to be ex husband)
  • Don’t stay 10 years like I did, or God forbid 30 years like some women
  • Please read the Safety Plan download at the top of the blog and other posts I have done on staying safe while in or leaving a narcissist.
  • Please do not have children with this man, do not bring an innocent life into this mess.

You say he isn’t cheating; I never thought my ex cheated on me either, I didn’t think he was capable of that kind of dishonesty, I really truly thought he loved me deeply and even when he had personal ads I didn’t think he would actually do anything about it.
I read somewhere that if you think your narcissist isn’t cheating you just haven’t caught him yet or he doesn’t feel he has you mentally beaten down far enough yet to take that step, but eventually he will cheat, 90% of them do, multiple times and with multiple women.

You are 23, with your whole life ahead of you, 30 years can fly by amazingly fast when you are dodging bullets, putting out fires, playing detective, and dancing as fast as you can while jumping through impossible hoops; all the while playing an endless game of “If only” in your head.

Look around at the married people you know, how many of them are recently married and always angry with their partner; I bet none.

We are here to help, encourage and support, but there is only one way to deal with a narcissist and that is to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and never have contact again.

Dealing With A Narcissist Is Not Child’s Play

Many people compare dealing with a narcissist to dealing with a 3 year old and in many ways that is a totally accurate description.

toddlers rulesLike a 3 year old the narcissist will stomp his feet and yell that he hates you for not giving him his way and an hour or so later he is back like nothing happened. He will kick and scream to get what he wants only to not want it once he gets it. Or he will totally ignore a toy and toss it off to the side until someone else shows an interest in it and it immediately becomes his favorite toy or like a 3 year old he wants what everyone else has and will steal it if he has to and then act like he doesn’t understand why he is in trouble.

I found the 3’s to be way worse than the two’s! Give me a 2 year old anyday!!

The problem with a narcissist is; he is a three year old in an adult body and he will never turn 4. You are dealing with a full grown 200 lb adult with a 3 year old mentality, social skills of a child and the temper of a misbehaving toddler yet the strength of a full grown man. It’s hard enough to control a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum but when it is a full grown man, you could wind up dead. And most victims end up explaining over and over again why something the narcissist does is hurtful and expecting he will eventually understand and stop. Even a 3 year old will learn something if they are told enough times. The victim keeps thinking, “If I could only find a way of explaining it in a way he would understand, he would stop hurting me.” A person gets hooked on the notion that eventually he is going to “get” it and they want to be with him when he does, they certainly don’t want some other woman to reap the benefits of their hard work and pain.

tantrum

Living with a narcissist is much like playing a virtual reality game where you have to find clues and solve the puzzle, every time you do, you go up another level. Only with a narcissist even if you do solve the puzzle you end up going down a level every time until you are in a hole so deep you can’t see your way out. But like any game they can be addicting, like a gambler can’t walk away from the one arm bandit, or the teenager says, “Just let me do this one more level and I promise I will clean my room.” The victim of a narcissist keeps thinking either; if I can prove he is cheating on me, then I will leave. But they get the evidence and the narcissist denies it, they have the proof they wanted yet they still do’t leave because they want the narcissist to admit it and he never will. The narcissist professes his innocence with such conviction the victim doubts their own eyes and ears.

Even after leaving the narcissist victims will stay in touch because they are hooked on solving the puzzle, figuring out what he is doing now and with who. I know of one woman who knows what her husband is, knows he is cheating and yet she doesn’t leave and actually seems to enjoy the game of “catch me if you can”. I have explained to her she is feeding right into his plan and giving him supply so he can keep being his sweet self to the new woman and she keeps proving to him how much she still cares. She thinks she is catching him and being so tricky and smart when he is just playing her like a fiddle. One of my ex’s, ex’s was hooked on catching him 15 years after they split and he loved the attention. Her bizarre behavior validated his story that she was nuts and he fed her just enough information to keep her hooked. She called me and said, “He thinks I am so stupid, that I don’t know what he does but I always figured him out.” and I thought “you poor soul, you have spent 10 years with him, another 15 years catching him at whatever and wasted your life. It hadn’t slowed him down, it actually fed his ego but she had obsessed about him almost 1/2 her life and died a lonely alcoholic and when he told me she had died, he laughed. I vowed to never be like her. It was hard to break the addiction to figuring him out, I was solving puzzles to do with him for a good year after we split. Where did it get me, it gave me blog post material, but it didn’t change anything, and many times when I did solve the puzzle it was far more hurtful than I ever imagined.

The narcissist loves the game of clue, you may think he is lazy or careless to leave something out that makes you suspicious but you can bet he is leaving clues for you to find to create drama and to hurt you. He loves your pain, he loves rubbing your nose in his affairs, he especially loves two women fighting over him.

The victim can think of a million reason why they have to stay in contact with the N, all of them valid in their minds; (I know, I did it too) but if you are really honest with yourself deep down at the root of it is, even though you don’t want to take him back and know he is a narcissist you are not ready to give up one or all of these things;

  1. Solving the puzzle
  2. you don’t want another woman to reap the rewards of your efforts
  3. as long as he is in your life in some form or another, he is still in your life and you are comfortable in the position of victim
  4. you are not prepared to face reality and are clinging to the fantasy of who you thought he was or in other words Cognitive Dissonance

disonence

Below are some related older posts you might find helpful.

As hard as it is; there is only one option, only one way to ever find happiness and peace in your life, only one way to come back from the insanity and confusion you are feeling right now.

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/10/27/the-repercussions-of-playing-the-game-too-long/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/05/06/the-narcissist-game-its-your-move/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2015/09/23/finding-inner-peace-lessons-learned-from-humpty-dumpty/

If You Were Told You Could Keel Over Dead Any Minute

If you were told you could keel over dead at any minute would you waste your time worrying about what the narcissist is doing? Would you want to spend your last breaths dealing with the chaos and drama of the narcissist? I can’t imagine being with a narcissist and knowing I might die any minute and have him throwing some stupid temper tantrum because you aren’t worried about how it is affecting HIM! Can’t you just see it?

You come home from the doctor’s, after being told you should be in the hospital and could die any minute, tell the narcissist and ask for a hug. He looks up from texting someone on his phone with a look of total boredom, and rolls his eyes, as if to say, “Here we go again!” You try to hold back the tears because you know how he hates it when you cry and you don’t want to start a fight. Maybe you should have waited to say something, maybe you could have said it differently, you don’t want to sound like you are looking for sympathy or feel sorry for yourself; you just really need to know he loves you and to feel his arms around you.

But, like every other time you have needed him to be there for you; he isn’t. In fact, he starts a fight, tells you how selfish you are to walk in and lay that on him; don’t you ever think about other people’s feelings? He storms out of the house and you are left standing there, alone, again.

He has left his laptop sitting there open on his email so you decided to snoop and sure enough, you are not surprised to see he has a personal ad on POF again and has been talking to women. That’s probably where he is now.

Is that the way you want to live your life? dying slowly from heart ache before you finally leave this earth. Does he deserve any more of your precious time?

No matter how long you have been with him, he does not deserve another minute of your precious life.

Time flies by, not just when you are having fun, it flies by when you live in hell too. When you are always stressed over someone like the narcissist who thrives on trauma and drama time flies by and before you know it another year has slipped by. Then one day you realize you have been living like the movie Groundhog Day, repeating history over and over again, never resolving anything, walking on egg shells and 10 or 20 years have slipped by. You haven’t been living, sure you breath, you eat, you function; but have you been living? Your every waking moment has been consumed with thinking about the narcissist in some form or another. Either you are feeling guilty, snooping, begging, fighting, leaving him or going back to him, forgiving him, planning how you are going to talk to him in order to avoid a fight, cajoling him, placating him, making excuses for him, or trying to put the puzzle pieces together. When was the last time you just relaxed? laughed easily without watching for his reaction. When was the last time you asked for help doing something without carefully plotting out how you would approach the conversation and choosing your words, checking your body language and tone of voice?

This is not happy, this is not love, this is dysfunctional and it is killing you slowly.

I was moving boxes into my suite the other day and a section of one of my journals fell out on the floor, it was from 2009, only a few months after my ex had begged back into my life and told me I was the only woman he would ever love and all the woman he would ever need, when he promised me total honesty and I was writing about finding a personal ad, him refusing to admit any wrong doing, twisting the facts, blaming me……..I could look in any one of my journals spanning 10 years and I would have written the same things. What we fought about in year one was the same as what we fought about in year 10 only the abuse had gotten worse over the years and he didn’t hide his infidelity as well or come up with even believable lies. I had stopped hoping, praying for fidelity or honesty and had started praying he would at least come up with a good enough lie I could keep lying to myself.

I maintain that I would not change the past even if I could because of the inner growth and peace I have found in the process of healing myself but I am glad that I am not having to deal with him at this time of my life.

I had an appointment with my cardiologist today to hear the results of the tests I did last month. He said, “It’s not good.” and wanted to admit me to the hospital again. I hate hospitals and I see no point in going to the hospital unless I have had a heart attack again or they have plans to do surgery. I agreed to go to another specialist who will be the one who would put a pacemaker in or whatever other mechanism they decide I need. The doctor asked me if I knew my heart is working at less than 20%, I said I had a pretty good idea because all the technicians who tested me seemed surprised I was functioning at all, like walking, breathing, let alone able to go up stairs. The doctor nodded his head in agreement and said I shouldn’t be functioning near as well as I am and I could keel over dead at any minute. THAT was reassuring! I said but you haven’t seen what I can do, I can walk miles, I can landscape, I have had to move every few months the last couple of years and do it all by myself. He just shook his head and said again, “And you could drop dead at any time.”

I don’t know what to say about being told I could die any minute, any of us could die tomorrow crossing the street, we can’t live in bubble out of fear. I certainly don’t want to die, I have so much I want to do yet, I haven’t been able to get to know my grand daughter as I would have wanted simply because I haven’t had the money to get to her. I want to be around for my boy, I don’t want anyone to be sad, I don’t want Stella to wonder where I am and I sure the hell don’t want my ex pretending to cry.

What do I hope you all take away from this?

That life is short, far too short to waste it on the likes of a narcissist, you don’t know when your day will come. You think you can’t live without the N, you may think your heart is breaking and you will never find happiness again, you may think that you have all the time in the world to make it up to your kids that you spend all day in bed obsessing about the N. It took me 2 full years to even start to feel like I was healing and there was life after a Narcissist; but that is largely due to the fact that I didn’t go no contact for almost a year after we split.
I tell myself that anyone can go at any minute but being told, to your face that you should be dead and could be dead tomorrow really makes you think about how you want your last days on earth to be, what memory do you want your loved ones to have of you? you last words to be, your last actions to be?

I know you can’t rush healing, it takes time; but you do have a lot of control over how you heal and I am going to go over those steps again in my upcoming posts.