I’m Rubber, You Are Glue

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Remember back in grade school some smart ass kid that made your life hell and when you told him what you thought of him, he would sing, “I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” or another favorite was, “I know you are but what am I?”

As a young child you would get angry, perhaps cry,maybe even hit the other child and defend yourself. But no matter what you said nothing fazed the kid, he always had a come back, laugh, and when you tried the same lines, they just didn’t work for you, his words still hurt.

Fortunately most kids grow up and develop empathy and communication skills. We certainly aren’t expecting to have to deal with that kind of childish taunting as an adult but we found ourselves feeling just like we did as a child in the playground, frustrated, helpless to defend ourselves, crying, with our tormentor laughing at us, taunting us.

If you are still with the narcissist you probably haven’t figured out that; trying to reason with a narcissist, defending ourselves, or trying to make a narcissist admit any fault in the relationship is futile and will result in it bouncing off him and sticking to you. You accuse him of cheating, eventually he will accuse you, tell him he is a narcissist and he will research it and accuse you of all the traits of a narcissist; you may not believe it now because you are still thinking he/she is a normal person and eventually you will get through to them.

Trust me that you are not thinking clearly right now. This kind of gaslighting will drive the most sane person crazy. I can’t say I blame you because there is no way anyone could have convinced me he would turn against me the way my ex did. Deep down, through it all I truly felt there was a deep love for me buried inside him that he was terrified to admit or at the very least he had a conscience and could never lie about me so blatantly. I admit I felt superior to him because I was faithful and honest; he was the one screwing up the relationship, there was no way I could be blamed for the relationship failing.

Then came the day when he told me he’d had enough and it was over.

I said, “YOU’VE had enough??? enough what?”

He looked at me with disgust and said, “This”

I was furious, “You’ve had enough of this????? I have been faithful, I have been honest, you are the one who screwed around, you are the one who didn’t come home at night, who lied…….not me!”

He looked at me over his glasses and sneered when he asked, “And what did you do????”

Looking him right in the eyes, I was indignant, “I stayed.”

He spit out “Exactly” before he went back to reading his magazine and I stood there trying to absorb the enormity of three words. “I stayed” and “Exactly“.

It took a few months before I finally moved out, even though my ex said, “I don’t want you to be homeless so you can stay.” For whatever reason my biggest fear had always been being homeless and of course he knew that but I also knew that if I stayed it would be the death of me.

I had suspected he was cutting me down to his work mates but I had always conducted myself with class, honesty, hard work and wasn’t concerned with what he told his buddies. What I had not counted on and sadly underestimated was his vindictiveness and his ability to lie straight faced and be believed. He knew that all he had to do was put doubt into people’s minds, make a few anonymous phone calls, and act like an unwilling victim. It made me sick how he could play the victim, I had seen him do it with me about other people and now I knew he was doing it about me.

It took me a painfully long time to figure out that any one who decided they were going to “remain neutral” was not a friend of mine. I had never had a relationship where friends had to choose, I had never had a relationship end where I couldn’t remain friendly with my ex and I didn’t want to appear unkind or vindictive but I was constantly being put in the position of defending myself. What worked against me was the fact that I had remained loyal to him and not told people what was going on behind closed doors so when I defended myself to his accusations it all sounded like sour grapes. He had already told everyone I was a liar and crazy and I had stayed for 10 years and not said a word, so of course no one believed me. If it was that bad why did I stay, why didn’t I complain to anyone about him? call the police, go back time after time?

I kept thinking, he stole my identity! he had totally reversed roles and taken mine! He even used my own lines on me! Lines like:

“I can’t just shut off my feelings after we have a fight an pretend nothing happened.”

“Try putting yourself in the new girlfriend’s position, how would you like it if I was seeing an ex girlfriend?”

“She kept saying no one would love me like she did.”

“I am afraid of what you are going to do next.”

“She is trying to ruin my life, get me fired, destroy me.”

“She keeps trying to cause trouble in my life, destroying property, stealing from me etc”

It was infuriating to be accused of exactly what he was doing to me! but I knew the more I denied it the guiltier I looked. It was like entering the twilight zone. I had a couple of “friends” who insisted on telling me how happy he was with his new woman and all the things he was saying about me and what I was doing. It didn’t matter that I told them I didn’t want to hear it, they wanted to hear my explanation or defense against what he was saying, and I did play the game for awhile, until I realized that I didn’t need a friend who doubted my character and would listen to the shit my ex was spreading. I knew he was using them as a pawn to hurt me and to destroy my good reputation. Something I learned from being with my ex is; if a lie is told enough times to the right people, it becomes a fact in people’s minds. It’s a rather interesting phenomenon witnessed during the Trump campaign

That is when I decided the only thing I could control was how I conducted my life, I couldn’t anticipate what he would do next, I could only live honestly and true to my morals and principles AND cut all toxic  people from my life and keep trying to be the best version of me I can be.

When I started looking for answers about 2 years into the relationship there wasn’t a lot of information out there. In fact 6 years ago when I started the blog there still wasn’t much information out there, I did a lot of research and from sharing my own experiences and listening to the stories of thousands of women and men, I consider myself to be a bit of a layman expert and I will continue to spread the word about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, or whatever label you want to give these soul sucking vampires. I am here to tell you that any attempt to make the narcissist admit his mistreatment of you or feel any morsel of guilt or remorse, is not going to happen. In fact, anything you say will bounce off him and stick to you.

 

 

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Merry Christmas and New Year Resolutions

I am with my family at my brother’s but I wanted to take a minute to say Merry Christmas to you all and give a few words of encouragement to those of you who are having a terrible day and feeling lonely. I CAN relate and I can assure you that you will get through this and things will get better.merry-christmas-images-knvirlmt

My ex and I split at the end of November and were still very much in contact that first Christmas. He, in typical narcissist fashion had been bitching to all his friends about how badly I treated him and he had invitations for Christmas day. I, on the other hand had moved into a stranger’s trailer (a friend of a friend who worked out of town and was only home for a couple of weeks at Christmas and again in spring), my mother wasn’t talking to me, and my son lived in another province. I was not invited to attend the family Christmas dinner, I was broke, heart broken, and thought surely I would run out of tears soon, no one could possibly cry that much. I would sit and stare into space forgetting to blink, I thought maybe I could forget to breath and die, but no such luck.

Sometimes I forget how far I have come since then, some of the things I have accomplished.

I strongly advise any recent victims of narcissistic abuse to start a journal, if you are still with the narcissist even better. Make sure you don’t let the narcissist know you are writing a journal because he will read it and the less he knows the better. There is a tendency for the victim to want the narcissist to know how much he is hurting them in hopes he will feel bad. Because they know how badly they would feel if they found out they were hurting someone as much as you are hurting, but you have to remember that the narcissist does not hurt and gets off on your pain.

Journal so you can look back and remember how bad it was and how no matter how many things you tried you could never make him happy. So when the new year comes and you are filled with self doubt you can read how you kept repeating history over and over again like GroundHog Day and nothing ever changed.

If you are with the narcissist, he has undoubtedly ruined another celebration and you are crying and alone, didn’t get any gifts, ended up being told it was all your fault he is miserable or he didn’t show up for dinner at all. I remember one Thanksgiving my ex stayed in bed all day, another Thanksgiving he showed up hours late after we head off eating for 2 hours waiting for him because he didn’t answer his phone. There were the Christmas’s we were supposed to go to his family and never got there, no turkey, no gifts, and he never even called to tell them we weren’t coming and they would wait until they couldn’t wait any longer for us to walk through the door. They eventually stopped asking us and I eventually stopped expecting to celebrate any special occasions.

When we split and he was the life of the party with invitations to numerous houses for dinner, it was easy to feel miserable. Here I was, the one who had always made Christmas so special, who decorated the whole house and baked for months prior to Christmas, sitting home alone.

Things have never been the same since. That is one thing you really must accept, you will never go back to your “old self”, with work on your part, you will be a new and improved version of yourself. I have found that Christmas is overrated, what matters is how people treat you all year long. Most people are not having a Brady Bunch, Ozzie and Harriet Christmas.  The people who matter are the ones who cherish you all year long and when you start cherishing yourself, the people who don’t treat you well won’t matter.

I still love Christmas, but I almost prefer to be alone and celebrate time with my family all through the year.

I hope that you all got through the day ok, it is almost over and tomorrow is another day.

You have all been on my mind.

Lets all look forward to the new year with a positive attitude and determined to be the best we can be.

 

 

 

 

Eleven Things I Wish My 30’s Self Had Known

the-storm

If you could go back in time and change things, what would you change?

Because of the ripple effect I probably wouldn’t change a thing because it would mean giving up something else. Even with my experience with my ex, as horrible as it was; I wouldn’t change anything because it taught me so much about myself that I probably would not have learned otherwise.

Plus I used to lose sleep worrying that I would never find my purpose for being here on earth and I believe it is through my experiences in the past I am able to live my purpose through this blog and other outlets, like Quora.

Things DO happen for a reason, even if we can’t see that reason at the time that it is happening, later we realize there were very clear steps to getting where we are.

That said, this is what I wish I would have known 30 years ago, it is hard earned knowledge, will any 20-30 year old listen to me? I doubt it, growing up takes time and experience, some people are slow learners, some never learn and some people are too afraid to dig deep enough for real personal growth.

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#1. I wish I would have known how pretty I was while I was still pretty so I could have enjoyed it. (That may sound egotistical, but I think it is a common problem with women and men; we don’t realize how great we are just the way we are, that is understandable when you look at social media, magazine covers, etc)

A few years back I was looking through old photos at a friend’s house and kept coming across pictures of my ex husband snuggled up to the same sexy redhead. I was starting to get pissed, “who was this bitch?? and where was I??” Then I remembered I used to dye my hair red and it was me!

My brother and I were talking one day when I mentioned that, I was shocked when he agreed with me and said he wished he would have known how attractive he was when he was younger. I had always thought he was so confident. He had never had a hard time getting women, he was good looking and very charming his whole life. I had been the one who could always find flaws with myself and had been shy.

What difference would it have made in my life? Instead of dating more, I would have dated a lot less because I wouldn’t have been deriving my self worth from the men in my life. I have wasted a phenomenal amount of time thinking and worrying about men. Long before I met my ex, I would be immobilized waiting for the phone to ring, spend hours upon hours discussing with friends, “what do you think he meant by that?”, “Do you think he likes me?”, “Will he call?”, “Why hasn’t he called?”, “Should I call?” and then he would call and I would go on a date and wonder if he had a good time, did I say anything stupid? Omg! hours and hours wasted on dating guys I didn’t even particularly like.

#2. Your mind lies to you. I didn’t know this until I was in my early 50’s. I spent years as an anorexic/bulimic, from about 17 until I was in my 30’s. When I looked in the mirror I saw a fat person. I always felt grossly overweight, I put myself through hell. I finally joined a gym, started working out and drop kicked my scale out the back door, but it took years, I mean years! before I could look in the mirror and not think I looked fat. I was looking through old photos the other day and I was never fat!

So, if my mind could lie to me about the way I looked it could also lie to me about the narcissist is my life, or that I needed the narcissist, couldn’t live without him, and I just had to retrain my brain to think otherwise.

#3. Other people lie to you, even the people who love you, they don’t necessarily mean to do you harm, but your brain only knows the information it is fed; if you are fed erroneous information early in life you could grow up feeling like an imposter or feeling less than. You are not what other people say you are. No one knows who you truly are at the core, even you probably don’t know. I went most of my life not living true to my core self. I did certain things because I had been told I was that way by my father, mother, teachers, boyfriends, it was not until my ex totally broke me and I had to put myself back together that I realized I wasn’t being me. I spent so much time feeling like I was a fraud and people were going to pick up on the fact that I was not perfect and hate me. My house had to be spotless, I had to be skinny, I had to be the best mom, sister, daughter, employee, cook, host, and I drove myself crazy in the attempt. (psst…..no one is perfect, it isn’t even possible!)

My father used to bitch about my mom and even said to me, “You won’t be like your mother, you will always want sex and will want to please the man in your life.” “If you aren’t good I will take your brother and leave.” My mom used to criticize other people and say, “You would never do that.” “You will always keep your house clean.” “I wonder why that guy asked you out”, she was always on some new diet and talking about being fat.

I had some pretty fucked up beliefs about myself. I went to counselling and had come along way by the time I met my ex, but a narcissist is an expert on picking up on a person’s tender spots and I was unprepared for his insidious wearing away of my self confidence. It wasn’t until I was totally broken that I discovered who I am at the core and found my true core values.

#4. Being sensitive is NOT a flaw!! This is a  HUGE one!! OMG!!! my whole life I was told I was too sensitive, like it was a bad thing. The world needs sensitive people to balance it out. Where would the world be without sensitive people, we would all be a bunch of Trumps! But it is not an excuse for letting yourself get caught up with an asshole either. You have to learn to know when you are being played for a fool and when you aren’t. Often times I hear a victim say, “I can’t help it, I am sensitive, it’s just the way I am.” Everyone can change or learn to control certain behaviors that are unhealthy for them.

#5. It is not my job to make sure everyone is happy, safe and not suffering. I can not and do not have to fix the world.  If someone has a problem, I don’t have to fix it. In fact, by always taking control and fixing things for everyone I was sending them the message that I didn’t think they were capable.

#6. Not everyone is going to like you. You don’t like everyone, you don’t have to, and neither does anyone else. There are going to be people who like you, love you, hate you and who are indifferent to you; none of it reflects your worth. It just means we are all different. The people who have to be “right”, which makes you “wrong” are narrow minded and limiting; try to surround yourself with people who don’t have to be right and can appreciate other’s differences. And just because you have a different value or  belief does not make you special or right and the other person wrong. I learned the hard way that judgements have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

#7. You don’t have to make decisions immediately and it is ok to change your mind, especially if the person you have made plans with changes the rules. If someone is pressuring you to make a decision, it is probably because they are afraid that if you think about it too long you will realize it is not a good idea and not in your best interest. The best thing to do when you don’t know what to do; is nothing. Things have a way of working out on their own.(It may not be the resolution WE wanted, but there will be a resolution, and it will be the right resolution) Often times when we rush to make a decision it’s because we know it is wrong and if we wait we won’t get what we want. A great example is when the ex narc comes back loving bombing the victim wanting them to try again, making all sorts of promises and the victim feels pressured to say yes. Pressure from the narc but pressure from themselves also; they are afraid that if they don’t say yes right away they will lose the narc. If you lose the narc because you needed time for him to prove he is a changed man, to build your trust again, and prove he is a man of his word; well that is your answer right there.

#8. I am not invincible or better able to recover from hardship than the next person; but I am far stronger than I ever knew or gave myself credit for. You don’t know how strong you are until you are on the other side. When you think you can’t survive remember, you already are. If it was easy, we wouldn’t need strength. Just like a bodybuilder doesn’t know how much weight he can lift until he lifts it and the more he lifts the more he can lift. You don’t know what you are capable of surviving until you do it and the more you go through the stronger those emotional muscles get. All you have to do is look at where you came from to know you are strong enough. If you focus on repeating over and over again, “I am not strong enough” you will feel weak, if you focus on, “I have been surviving for X amount of time, I am strong” you will feel stronger. This takes us back to #1, our brain only knows what we put in it, change the way you talk to yourself and your mind will start thinking differently. I remember the moment I went from being a victim to being a survivor; it was when I realized that I had been saying, “I can not do this one more day.” for something like 700 days, I HAD been doing it for 700 days!

#9. Listening to my gut instincts would have saved me a whole lot of heartache in life. If you wait to see if your gut instinct was right it will be too late, trust your instincts know better than you. I heard a guest on Oprah one time, a detective of some sort, say that any survivor of a rape he had interviewed told him that they ” had a feeling” to not go into the building or go down that street, or whatever put them in danger. Our gut instincts may not see logical at the time and we tend to rationalize things to ourselves  in order to stifle that inner voice.

#10. How people treat me has far less to do with who I am and a whole lot more to do with who they are. If someone treats me badly it is not a sign I have done something wrong or need to change; it probably means that this person should not be in my life and they have issues.

#11. What we plan for, what we hope for, how we see our lives being in the future, very rarely comes to be and as disappointing as it may be, we have to pick up and make the best of it, learn a lesson from it, use it to grow and be a better person, help others with our knowledge, and just carry on best we can. Lamenting, “But that’s not fair!” never solves anything and isn’t going to change anything.

 

None of us know where our lives will take us, even if we are in total control of our life, we can’t control the lives of other people and there are going to be times someone makes a decision that affects your life, peace of mind and happiness. The best laid plans can go south in a heartbeat and if you want to be happy, you had better learn to go with the flow. Thirty years ago I certainly didn’t envision my life being what it is at almost 60. I didn’t have any grand plans for my life but I didn’t think it was even possible for me to be homeless, or that a man would ever hit me and I would stick around, or that I would end up with no money and a ruined credit rating, or heart failure.

I also never imagined my writing helping thousands of people or being published on a website that is in the top 10 sites in the world, or being interviewed on talk radio. I never knew I had talent painting and that someday I would live off of money I made from selling my painted creations. There were times I didn’t think my son would live past 20 and I was brought to my knees with grief and worry over him and now he is a man I am so proud of my heart fills to overflowing. It is so nice to see your child grow into someone you not only love, but someone you really really like.

I have no regrets because I can’t, life doesn’t come with any guarantees, don’t we all want a fairytale life with no pain, troubles, trauma or broken hearts. Very few people, if anyone, gets that. There are so many people who have suffered far more than I have. People who have lost a child to a drunk driver or some psycho. They just found a woman who was held captive since August in a shipping container, she watched her husband get shot dead by her kidnapper. Why did that happen to her? who knows, there are evil psychopaths in the world who commit horrible crimes against humanity. Life sucks sometimes, I don’t understand why a baby has to die, or why a good kind person gets abused and taken advantage of.  All I do know it; there is evil in the world, and you protect yourself best you can and then just live life the best you can.

 

I Had To Share This Post From Chump Lady

Here is the post from Chump Lady

As I was reading it I couldn’t help thinking, “Come on lady! you don’t know when to tell him you are dumping his sorry ass? You are still there and willing to stay behind with the children while he goes off to live his life with God knows who?” But I am no one to talk.

When you are in the middle of this kind of shit show you are not thinking straight. It is so obvious to everyone else but your heart and your head are not connecting, you aren’t thinking straight, you are so accustomed to having your feelings ignored and being treated like you are the sick warped one; you can’t think clearly and protect yourself.

When my ex went to Sudan with a Christian Charity to do “missionary” work we were split but still “dating”. He had multiple personal ads from Russian Brides to Ashley Madison (btw I thought Ashley Madison was like Victoria Secret and had no idea it was a cheating site. Naive yes I know). I thought it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done and if he followed through and actually went I would give him another chance when he came back. I allowed him to stay with me until he left and his mother and I promised to contact each other when one of us heard from him because he was going to be so far from any kind of civilization communication was going to be difficult. I won’t go into the whole story because I wrote about it here. I warn you, it is a long post and was written in 2012 so I was not fully healed and still discovering the depth to my ex’s evilness.

After just rereading it I am amazed at what I put up with and what I lived with, all those years wasted worrying about whether he had personal ads, impregnated anyone, still communicating with some young woman in Sudan. I should have kicked his ass to the curb years prior to any of this crazy shit happening.

I hope the woman who wrote to Chump Lady takes her advice to heart but I have my doubts; she will want to be fair and honest and will tell him what she is planning in hopes he will finally realize she is serious and not want to lose her. He will lay some guilt trip on her and she will doubt herself and cling to the dream and hope, just happy that he told her a good enough lie that she could continue to lie to herself.

I am hoping this post will help some of you to realize how out of touch with reality the victim gets and you will truly understand why no contact is so vital to recovery and ever finding happiness.

 

Is It Tougher Being A Middle Aged Victim Of A Narcissist

I have been asked by a member of the blog to do a post on victims of a narcissist who are over 50. I haven’t read anything about older victims, is there a difference between a younger victim and one who is middle aged? Or do they suffer the same over the same things?

I haven’t seen any articles or studies that pertain to the topic of younger vs older victims of a narcissist and I am unsure how I feel about the topic; I am hoping that writing this post will give me a clearer answer and there is a possibility that I misunderstood the request.

I am pretty sure the person asking the question feels it is harder on the older victim, is there a difference?

I am asking for your input with this post, if you have something to add that I didn’t touch on please add it in the comments below but please try to stay focused on the differences and not get sidetracked into describing your whole relationship. Let’s say that the “younger” victim is under 40 and the older victim is anyone over 40, mainly because I met JC in my early 40’s and I noticed a big difference in my dating style in my 40’s compared to how and who I dated in my 40’s.

Like I said, I met JC when I was in my early 40’s and I noticed I had a different attitude about dating than when I was younger.

I remember plain as day sitting on the couch about a year into our relationship, JC had just stormed off to his shop after another simple conversation turned into an ugly knock down long drawn out fight where I, once again, ended up being wrong. I was consumed with self doubt, confused because we had been able to communicate so well and now it seemed I could not say anything right and I was thinking, “If I, a self confident woman who knows her worth can be made to feel so low how would a much younger woman without the life experience I have, ever survive?” I thought about the much younger woman, the mother of his son and how horrible it must have been for her.

I didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time and still didn’t consider JC to be abusive, I just knew this was not the same man I met and fell in love with. I felt that at my age, with the background I had, I would be able to weather this storm and get us back on track.

Deep down I knew what he was saying about me was not true (that I needed to be on my own and learn to be self supporting; I had been a single mom for years! worked, bought homes, I was the most independent woman I knew. I had been told by previous boyfriends I was TOO independent. 

He and his mother had told me how heart broken he was when the mother of his son had left him. He had told me how he came home from a run trucking to an apartment empty except for the dust bunnies. Without warning, her and her parents had cleaned him out, even the storage unit, full of memorabilia from his life of trucking; was empty. He had told me that he had done everything for her, he cleaned, cooked, worked his ass off and I assumed he hadn’t dealt with all the issues and now, being in love with me, past hurts were surfacing. His mom had told me she was afraid of what he would do if things didn’t work out between him and I, he had been so heart broken when T left him. I had promised her that I was not some young girl and I knew what I wanted in life and I knew a good thing when I had it, I was not going to break JC’s heart. Unlike all the other women in his life I recognized a good man and I was going to spend the rest of my and his life showing him how much I appreciated him.

When I was younger I was very independent, fairly high maintenance and I had pretty high expectations of the men in my life. I was inflexible and was focused on certain goals for my life. I had rigid boundaries of what was acceptable from men in my life and I had no problem defending them and kicking a guy to the curb if he didn’t respect them. If I met a guy that I wasn’t immediately attracted to I didn’t give 2nd second chances, why would I waste my time dating someone I wasn’t attracted to. I had been told by friends and my mother that I was too picky, that I didn’t give the nice guys enough of a chance.

Deep down though I always felt like a fraud, that I was being what everyone else expected and not true to me, but I had no idea how to change that, I didn’t know a person could.

I knew I had daddy issues from my childhood and dealt with them through counselling because I felt they were affecting my romantic relationships and self esteem and parenting.

I had an eating disorder I had dealt with and was finally comfortable with my body and sexuality.

I took communication courses in order to communicate more rationally and effectively in my relationships,

By the time I met JC I no longer cared about getting married, my son was at the age he didn’t need me any more, giving me freedom I hadn’t had in 17 years and this time around I was free of the insecurities about my body and role as a woman. I was ready to enjoy life for a change, be more spontaneous, do things for me! JC popped into my life when I least expected it. For the first time in my life I was prepared to take things as they came and go with the flow.

When I met JC, he was charming, exciting, and the kind of guy I probably would have drooled over but not dated when I was younger because I was a single mom who had to be responsible and I was not into dating “players” and I pegged him to be a player. But seeing as I had this new attitude about dating, had found my sexuality and had no responsibility to anyone but myself I remember thinking; “I am going to sleep with this man, I’m a big girl, I can have sex for the sake of having sex if I want to.” Well, to be honest it went more like this, “God, please give me the opportunity to fuck this guy’s brains out.”

What I was not prepared for was him to fall head over heels in love with me. I almost dumped him because he was calling too much, was too needy and I felt like I was being suffocated. But then my friend’s voice’s started ringing in my ears, “you never give the nice guys a chance”, “Let a guy take care of you for a change.” “It doesn’t hurt for a guy to love you more than you love him.”

So I went with the flow, tried to relax and let him take care of me, let him wine and dine me without feeling I had to repay him. I was able to go to his place on the spur of the moment because I didn’t have a little one at home and didn’t have to worry about a baby sitter. I was having fun. I was carefree and I had a gorgeous younger man who thought the sun rose and set on me and loved everything about me.

When I had been younger I had always thought there was someone better out there, there would always be another man. I was a flirt and I had always had male attention but by the time I reached my 40’s I didn’t enjoy dating that much, it was a lot of work. There had been children involved, ex wives and visitation rights and shared Christmas’s, I had done all the cooking and cleaning and carried the financial load much of the time. I was not so optimistic about meeting my soul mate any more. I had loved Kris’s dad with all my heart and when that ended I had never felt that kind of love for any man I dated, I had given up on finding it ever again, until I met JC. I was NOT going to let this one slip through my fingers. He was everything I had ever hoped for in a man and more and I knew another one was not waiting around the corner.

I figured I had been in enough relationships to know how to have a good one, I had worked on all my issues, I had given up thinking I could change a man, I knew he was not perfect, but he was perfect for me and I for him. We had both been hurt in the past and we were ready to have mature equal relationship and appreciate the good thing we had found when neither one of us had expected it.

When I was younger I walked away from guys just because I didn’t think they were good daddy material or we argued too much and I didn’t want to raise my son in that environment; now I only had to worry about myself and I was confident I could overcome anything, especially for the love of my life.

AND, he had never been loved like I loved him, he had never been accept exactly the way he was, he told me, “He had thought he was in love before, but I had taught him what real love was.” and I believed him.

This was the second half of my life and I could not believe my good fortune to have met this wonderful man who totally understood me, who was able to talk openly about his feelings and discuss things calmly and honestly. We never argued, ever, he never got angry about anything, I had never met a more even tempered man in my life and I vowed to never take him for granted, (like all the other women had).

I had been married before but I had never been as committed to making a relationship work as I was to making it work with JC. That is why getting married was not a priority to me, my love for him went beyond any kind of vows or legal documents. It took until I was in my 40’s but it was worth the wait.

I am sure that if I had been younger I would not have stayed with him past 6 months, even if it broke my heart I would have put my responsibilities as a mother first, I would have still thought there was another one just around the corner and I would have been naive enough to believe I was right to be judgemental. I also had never been in an abusive relationship so was confident at the ripe old age of 43 I would never be in one.

I think a lot of older victims are widows or have attained significant wealth and the narcissist drains them of their life savings. I wouldn’t call myself lucky but I had financial security when I was younger, by the time I met JC I had lost everything I had worked so hard to attain due to the economy and to my last husband who didn’t like to work. I lost my good credit rating and much much more to James. I think I would have left him sooner if I would have had my own home but I really felt I had nothing to lose by staying with him a little while longer. I had no idea that narcissists existed, let alone that they get their strokes from destroying people, not just bleeding them dry financially. He had no reason to be with me other than love and that confused me.

I have often thanked the powers that be that I was not younger when I met JC because I couldn’t have kids by the time I met him and to me sharing a child with a narcissist would be the worst living hell and you are stuck with him for at least 18 years, have to fight for custody, suffer through parent alienation, fight for child support and a barrage of other tactics they use to destroy the victim.

Yes, many older victims end up penniless and homeless and it is harder to recoup at an older age simply because you have less time and are less employable. So a younger victim may have an advantage there but as much as I struggle financially now, largely due to being with JC; I do not consider financial my biggest loss.

One of the biggest losses is my health, but I can not prove without a doubt that I would not have gotten sick anyway.

I have to say that my greatest loss was of who I thought I was, the loss of my confidence, my self esteem, and identity.

BUT, putting myself back together was the greatest experience, I had not been living authentic to my core self and if JC had not torn me down to nothing I never would have done the work necessary to find out who I am and that can be done at any age. I think an older woman is more apt to put the work into self discovery and healing than a younger woman simply because they don’t have kids to care for and they have lived life and want better than what they have had. They want to be the best they can be without a man but a younger woman is more inclined to seek out another man to fix the damage done by the narcissist. The younger victim is still expecting “the one” to ride up on his stallion to save her.

I am grateful to be older because I went through most of my life oblivious to narcissists, I dated some assholes but I also dated some really great guys and had a hell of a good time during my younger dating life. I smile thinking about all the fun I had in my 20’s and 30’s; I know there are men out there who aren’t disordered, I believe in love and I look back with no regrets. Well, maybe one regret. I regret not learning who I really am, discarding the crap that was never mine to carry and living true to myself, sooner. I wish I could have gone through my 20’s and 30’s as sure of who I am as I am today. The questions is, would I have been ready for the lesson?

Have I made up my mind about the differences between a young victim and an older victim? Every time I think I have made a decision and the older victim has it worse then I think of what the younger victim goes through, but as soon as I change my mind I think of JC’s present target and I feel so sorry for her. Here she was a young widow, still in her 40’s, her husband had made sure she was set for life and would never have to worry financially. Steady rental income coming in, investments, a home paid for and the love and support of her and her husband’s family. Then she met JC and he swept her off her feet, she was his soul mate, he was so blessed to have found her after all the psycho bitches he had bee with and she swallowed it hook line and sinker. Now she has no security. She has sold her home, moved away from family n friends, invested in property with JC and she can’t walk away, not without losing a lot of money. It certainly is incentive to “give it one more try”, or stay a little longer in hopes of recouping some of her losses. And she would be thinking she has invested 5 years into this relationship, she is now in her 50’s, she isn’t likely to meet another man she loves this much, she feels she better make it work or spend the rest o her life alone and he does love her, it’s just his psycho ex’s that cause the problems. I think a younger woman would be more apt to walk away.

I think the difference between victims varies person to person and whether they are willing to do the work to heal properly or not. One thing is certain, being the victim of a narcissist is not fun, it can totally destroy a person or it can build a person up and make them a better person for the experience. It is all in how the victim views it and what the victim values.

I will never regret meeting JC because I am so thankful I got to meet the real me at some point in my life, 

How about you? I am still on the fence, does a younger victim have it easier, what are the differences you se between the two?

Just For Shits And Giggles

I have not been around much and I have missed you all!! No internet where I am at and I have to drive up the road to hook up to the campground WiFi. I have popped in occasionally but never get past reading a few comments.

I have to do an update post on what is going on, time has flown by and before I realized it a month has passed and it is almost time for me to move again!!

I wanted to do a short post though for the new people who have found the blog. I see a lot of people asking the age old questions; “Why does he hurt me?” “Doesn’t he care he is hurting me?” “Why does he keep coming back?”

The answer to all three is, “Just for shits and giggles.” it is what narcissists do for fun and to feel superior. They get off on your pain! they like it! they do it because it shows them that they are powerful enough to bring you to your knees with pain and make you crazy with their gas lighting, cheating and lying.

It is a game to them, they do not have a conscience, they do not care about hurting people other than the shot of ns they get from it. They think it is funny! Everyone thinks a narcissist needs someone to idolize them, that if they love the narcissist well enough they will be able to keep him satisfied, but that is not the reality of their world. Sure when he is love bombing a new victim he gets off on the fact that he is playing a role and sucking her in, he gets strokes from that but what he is more excited about is, he knows he is going to abuse her down the road and the anticipation of THAT is so exciting he could piddle like an excited puppy.

A narcissist hates being nice, he is not a “giver” he is a taker; he only gives for as long as he has to in order to hook the victim and then every once in a while to keep her hooked. There is no “good side” to a narcissist, he is toxic to the core, any emotion or caring you think you witness is an act.

You will never get him to admit he has a problem and PLEASE! the absolute worst thing you can do is tell him you think he is a narcissist!! He will use it against you and next thing you know he is accusing you of being a narcissist and telling everyone you know that you are a narcissist. He will not care that you think he is a narcissist, it will not make him go, “Oh my God, how horrible!! she thinks I am a narcissist.” and start soul searching, feeling guilty or try to change.

As hard as it is, you must face reality, I am giving you the information would have had years ago.

There is nothing you can do that will change the relationship or him

There is nothing you could have done differently, all women are interchangeable to a N.

He does not have the capability to feel love, compassion or guilt.

He gets off on your pain. Attention is attention for him. He doesn’t care if it is attention from love, fear, hatred, anger, or happiness; as long as he is getting attention and the longer you are with him the more pain he has to cause you in order to get a high from it. Whereas in the beginning you might have been hurt if he had a personal ad, after awhile that gets old for him so he has to ramp it up and go on a date, then he has to let you find him in bed with her, then he will leave you for her and then come back to you and leave you again. He will make you accept things you would never have accepted before, he will ignore every single boundary you have and push you to your absolute limits and beyond. It only ever gets worse because like a drug addict he has built up a tolerance to your pain and so have you. He HAS to inflict more and more to get his fix.

And the whole time he is feeding off of your emotions you are losing more and more of yourself, your self esteem, your confidence, your money, your support system and you are investing precious years you will never get back. Years you could have been loving the people who deserve your love and attention, people like your children, friends and family. You are wasting your health, because all this stress takes an enormous toll on your body.

Please, I beg you all to educate yourselves, read the posts here, it will give you something to do while you are trying to not pick up the phone and call him.

But there are posts on that too!

You are dancing with the devil!

You have been emotionally abused and you are not thinking clearly, you can retrain your brain, you can find the sun light again, that black cloud that hangs over you will go away when you cut the narcissist out of your life completely. You are addicted and you have to go cold turkey, the only closure you will get is to know he is a narcissist and you are lucky to have gotten away. Change your number, block him on all social media, do not take his calls don’t read his emails. Stop the abuse and take your life back.

I wish I could hold the hand of every single person who comes in here looking for answers. When I first started the blog I could invest the time into guiding people through it and I spent many hours encouraging and reinforcing. I simply can not do that any more, there are so many people coming here now, 2222 followers!! wow!! I remember when I was excited to have a person visit the blog one time and then I had a follower!! Almost 2 million hits!

Don’t just read the posts either, read the comments also; there is so much valuable information in the comments, people who have shared their story in hopes of helping someone else. Take advantage of the wealth of experience you have at your finger tips.

And then, once you truly know what you are dealing with you can truly get on with putting your life back together, learning who you are, knowing your worth, and loving yourself.

Wishing everyone sunshine and eternal internal peace!

Love to you all

Carrie

 

The Psychopath’s Uncontrollable Need to Control

I received this message the other day.

“Hi, I’ve never commented but this blog has really helped me come to terms w my own abusive relationship. I’m still pretty traumatized and don’t really know how to help myself but I’m learning all I can about cluster b disorders…I frequent a site called psychopath free and I just read a new member story, a male named jimmyc1963, from about one week ago. Carrie, I’m almost positive it is your ex. There are so many details about you, your son, references to trucks and hauling scrap metal…plus he gives himself away by saying you’re the narc and have created a blog and have a lot of followers…it’s disturbing and I thought u should know. I’ve benefitted greatly from this blog and its infuriating to have your abuser paint himself as the victim. I’ve been there so many times…thank u for all the love and compassion u show 💜”

Of course I can’t possibly know what James is thinking, for one very obvious reason; he is crazy and I am not. But if I take all I have learned about psychopath’s and narcissist, I can come pretty close to where his head is at.

While with James he had managed to get me totally in his control. When he found his new supply I was a grovelling, begging, fool, pleading with him to not leave me and he thoroughly enjoyed telling me I was worthless, it was all my fault and I didn’t deserve to live because no man would ever want me. I am sure he thought I would either kill myself or curl up in a corner waiting and praying he graced me with his presence again.

He took his sweet time, a full year but he did pop back into my life, immediately after proposing to his new victim. With her secured he was free to come back to me and try to suck me back into his toxic web, he was ready to introduce triangulation into his new relationship. After all, he couldn’t let her get too comfortable now that they were engaged. He needed reassurance he was still her priority and what better way to do that than instill jealousy and insecurity. He could play me against her and her against me; Narcissist just love, love LOVE triangulation; nothing screams “YOU ARE THE MAN!!’ quite like two women vying for your attention and love.

He gave me the same speech as he had the last 3 times he begged his way back into my life (they are so oblivious to how a person’s emotions work and lazy, that they don’t even think about the fact that they are using the same script on the same person over and over again. If it worked once it will work again). I was dumb when he showed up, I listened to his spiel and it set me back in my recovery but I did not succumb to it this time. Thank the good Lord!!

He took all the blame, said I had done nothing wrong and it was him and he was so sorry. He loved me, didn’t I know that? Didn’t he tell me? (heard it all before). When I didn’t believe him he did a complete 180 and it was my own fault for him hurting me because I took him back and when that didn’t work he just started slandering me and trying to destroy my life.

Once a psychopath or narcissist has “owned a person; they expect that person to be waiting for the narc to need them again, the victim is not supposed to go on with their life.

The other thing I have done to piss James off is I have exposed him for what he is. I know what he is and he can no longer put doubt in my mind. In the past all he had to do was say he loved me and he didn’t do what I thought he did and I would back down, doubt myself, and he would be back in control. He can no longer do that and if there is anything a narc hates it is not being able to control the victim.

If there is one thing a narc hates, it is being exposed for what they are, after all their whole life is a very delicate, intricately woven web of deceit; someone going on the internet and telling the world what he is could destroy his web. He is too self absorbed to realize that no one would ever find my blog unless he told them about it. A normal person who was so happily involved with their soul mate would laugh at my blog and go on with their life, knowing it would never affect them and the worst thing they could do is to advertise it everyone they know. Just as I ignored his blog about me and I am ignoring his comments on Psychopath Free, a site, by the way; I consider to be one of the best blogs on psychopaths. The only thing I did do was to notify admin on the site of his username and that he is a psychopath and I am afraid some unsuspecting victim of a psychopath might fall in love with him.

(On a side note* I find it very interesting that people who don’t like what I have to say follow my blog. If you don’t like what I write, even if it is about you; especially if it is about you; STOP reading it!!)

So anyway, we have determined he is pissed off about losing control, being exposed, and not being able to pull the wool over my eyes any more, there is one thing left that would eat away at him like a cancer; I have over 2100 followers and close to 2 million hits. THAT would irk him to no end. How dare I get attention and a bit of notoriety that doesn’t benefit him. He has had blogs for 10 years and never got even one follower, he would HATE that I have some popularity and people believe me. In his mind it is the ultimate defiance on my part and it is glaring proof he did not do his job; he did not destroy me, I did not kill myself, I am not laying in a puddle waiting for him to give me some crumbs of my dignity back. He under estimated my back bone and strength and no narcissist wants to admit that.

The fact that I don’t give a shit about him over shadows every relationship he will ever be in; he can’t figure out why or how I managed to survive. He worked years trying to destroy me……. he won’t rest until he finishes the job he started. He can’t move on, it has been over 5 years and all he can see is; I am getting attention and he isn’t; he did his best and I am not destroyed. His last ex rank herself to death at least; I have a whole lot of nerve not playing by his rules.

Once they set their sites on a person, they become obsessed with winning that person over. I remember when James would meet a new friend, he would obsess with them, they became the expert on everything, he called them a couple of times a day. It was kinda creepy, like he was gay or something because he treated male friends much like he treated me when we started dating. All of a sudden the new friend took precedence over everything else. I always knew when he had a new woman in his sites because he couldn’t help but obsess about them, talk about them, stalk them on the internet, brag about them and leave pictures where I could find them.

When we got back together the last time he had several woman on the hook; (all the while promising me total fidelity) he would be with me and constantly on his phone. I found messenger conversations between him and some woman who had gone away with her girl friends for New Years Eve. It was so obvious by his messages that he was terribly jealous and concerned she might hook up with some guy while she was partying. He found his ex from 15 years prior and tried to pull her back into his web and I found the messages between them and it was the same thing; he was so concerned about what she was doing and yet he was with me and telling me I was all the woman he would ever need. When he was trucking he had at least 4 of us on the line. He would call each of us every night and he wrote in his blog that Marita was having a male friend stay over night and she had promised James she wouldn’t sleep with him and James was saying, “She had better not!” yet he was on his way to be with me.

It doesn’t make sense to a normal person, but to a narcissist it doesn’t have to make sense; they just have to be getting all the attention all the time; what is fair makes absolutely no difference to them.

So remember this when the narc comes crawling back in a year or 15 years; it has nothing to do with you, nothing!! except for the fact that he views you as a possession that he can lay claim to any old time he wants. It has nothing to do with him loving you, needing your special supply, realizing how good he had it, or even that things have gone sour with the new supply. It only has to do with his uncontrollable need to control.