Category Archives: My Life With a Narcissist

Welcome and Safety Plan Download

Welcome to my site, Lady Witha Truck!

You may be wondering why its called Lady Witha Truck. Well, when I started the blog I had no intention of writing about narcissists, I really didn’t know anything about narcissist or domestic abuse really. I started the blog because I was trying to promote my business and had planned on blogging about hauling scrap metal with my loyal companion, Kato, a Shar-pei. But I was so broken after leaving my narcissistic/psychopath ex that I couldn’t think of anything BUT him and my pain.

I hadn’t gone “no contact” so almost daily he did something to hurt me and he was already involved with the “new love of his life”. He encouraged me to just kill myself because no man would ever want a suicidal, psycho, nutcase like me. I had made his life hell for 10 years and his new woman was nothing like me.

My suicide attempt failed and even though I had called to tell him what I had done, he never even sent an ambulance or have a friend check on me.

When I woke up and didn’t have any more pills, no money, my truck in the repair shop because he had sabotaged it AGAIN, and no family or friends left, I made the conscious decision to fix myself. Not only would I survive but I would thrive and figure out what happened to me and warm other women so no one ever went through what I did. I thought I couldn’t be the only woman going through this and if even one woman was saved by me sharing, it would all be worth it.

Plus, I didn’t trust myself to not try suicide again and figured the blog would make me accountable. I couldn’t very well announce to the world I was going to thrive and then kill myself.

That was in November 2010. A lot has happened in the last 9 + years and most of it and my experiences while in a on and off 10 years long relationship with a narcissist are contained in this blog.

I found when I was looking for answers the forums I went into were the same women having a pity party and not fixing anything or were experts who shared some facts but nothing about their personal journey. I wanted to hear I was normal, not the only person feeling the way I was and that they did eventually heal and thrive. I decided I would be totally honest about what I was going through as I went through it and share my journey in hopes victims learned from mistakes and benefit from my struggles.

I accomplished that and more. I have helped hundreds of people, been published, interviewed on talk radio, quoted, and had many many people write to thank me for saving their life. It has been the most rewarding experience of my life, by far.

I only write a handful of posts these days, I have said it all before. Besides, if I was to really thrive I had to focus on something other than toxic narcissists and I had health issues to deal with, work, finding a place to call home.

I promised I would speak out and educate people about narcissists and domestic abuse until my dying breath and I plan to keep that promise so keep the blog up, pay my annual fees for my domain, and try to answer any comments or questions people have, so feel free to comment.

Dig around in some old posts, read, educate yourself it’s the first steps towards healing. Read the comments along with the posts to see what other people have gone through and the advice they were given. There is almost as much useful information in the comments as the actual post.

I have a free download for a Safety Plan link below. Please use the information if you are planning to leave a relationship with someone you suspect is a narcissist.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qUkYvybgVMzC0f_6JIr5GGB3jXV8tZul/view?usp=drivesdk

You don’t think it will ever happen to you, 90% of women killed by their domestic partner didn’t believe it would happen to them. 1 out of every 3 women will end up being abused in some way in their life time. 75% of domestic homicides happen either just prior to or up to 2 yrs after the victim leaves the relationship. Stay Safe!

So…….here you are looking for answers and wondering if your partner is even a narcissist. Years ago I read somewhere that people in a healthy loving relationship don’t go looking on the internet trying to figure out “what the hell happened?”

Hugs Carrie. XXX000

The Happy Narcissist

https://www.bbc.com/news/education-50184281

The above article was shared with me by a good friend, Peter, who I originally met through the blog almost 8 years ago.

It’s serendipitous that he should send it at this time in my life as I am in another period of struggling to keep my head above water.

We are only a few days away from the 9 year anniversary of me leaving my ex. Up until a few days ago I was feeling very positive about my life and how far I have come in those 9 years, against some pretty formidable odds.

When I first met Peter I was living in a small holiday trailer lent to me by a so called friend who felt the favor should be paid back with sex whenever he wanted. The trailer was cold, tiny, and felt nothing like “home”. I was miserable, sick, and probably at my lowest point ever.

In the past 8 years I have bought and lost a cabin on a lake because I had another heart attack and my ex managed to get me fired, by making anonymous calls to my employer telling him lies, anonymous complaint calls to the strata counsel and tampering with my work truck.

I lost my furniture due to mice where I had it stored. I moved onto my brother’s boat which I fixed up and he sold. Then I moved to live with my son and 4 other people in a hellhole small town, who after 6 months got a job in another province and I ended up living in my car.

I buried my two dogs within months of each other.

I tried to get funding to re-educate and was denied 3 times. I fought for disability benefits for 3 years with my ex calling welfare making false allegations against me and getting me cut off of the $600/month I was getting to live on.

For 5 years my ex was in the back ground stirring up trouble, calling landlords, the police, hacking my laptop, spying on me with a drone, slashing my tires, anything he could think of to make my life hell, while he lived off of the avails of his new woman, bought a home with her money, paid off his debt with her money and started his own business with her money. In fact it wasn’t even money she herself earned, it was money from life insurance she received when her husband died. Her husband had ensured she would never have to struggle or work after he died. He must have been rolling over in his grave watching how his money was spent.

Anyway, back to the article and my friend’s impeccable timing.

Nine years after leaving my ex, with 3 heart attacks under my belt, years of struggling find the right doctors and meds, having a defibrillator implanted and having it save my life several times. Feeling like I was dying, being told I could drop dead any minute, wanting to die and feeling the defibrillator saving my life was a cruel joke.

Living in my car on a couple occassions for a month or two, sleeping in my mother’s carport and then her floor, living in the basement of a friend’s with no kitchen or privacy. Never, since I lost my house at the lake, did I feel “at home”. Every time I had to “go home” I would walk through the door and a little piece of my soul would die……… But.

I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel, not a huge bright light, but a small glimmer light, teasing me to keep going forward.

I got offered a part time job, gardening and cleaning at a golf course, working when I chose, when my health permitted. I finally got my disability benefits which doubled how much I get every month.

Then last year I managed to save enough to buy a water damaged 30′ rv trailer off of a bidding site for $1100. Over the course of the year I have put every spare dime into fixing it up. I gutted it, made my own couch, painted the whole thing, redid the bathroom, hand painted my own tiles for the back splash, hand sewed curtains.

Walking into my little trailer feeds my soul. It surrounds me, envelops me and loves me back, it says, “You can do this, you are a survivor.”

It isn’t much but it is mine and I didn’t realize exactly how much I need it until I was faced with the idea of giving it up. You see, try as I might I never did get all the leaks fixed, there are rotten boards in the ceiling and the roof is rotten at the back end. My son says a dump of snow could bring the roof crashing down.

I thought the easy solution was to build a roof over it. I got permission from the RV park manager to build a roof. My brother paid for supplies, my son came to build it. The neighbor complained and the owner of the park squashed my plans of a roof.

Long story short, my son knew of a 23′ trailer for sale, my brother bought it, even though I told them both I can’t live in that small a trailer. My son brought it to me yesterday and a piece of my soul broke at the thought of living in it. It’s a great little trailer, clean, but oh so tiny, no counter space, no closet space, and no chance of changing it without major renovations.

Moving into it would mean getting rid of the few things I have acquired, and yes I would be dry, safe and warm but my soul would die.

My son is mad at me, but I refuse to move into it. I will take my chances doing what I can to fix my roof and pray we don’t have too much snow this winter.

What does this have to do with the article?

A narcissist would not be going through this, he/she wouldn’t worry about their soul because they don’t have one. They live in a make believe world, it’s easy to be happy when you fabricate your whole life and never worry about hurting other people.

The narcissist has nothing he isn’t willing to give up if doing so will get him what he wants. Let me explain what I mean.

My ex and I lost so much, we lived in dumps, I would be distraught, worried, panicked and he seemed unfazed. His mother was amazed by his “adaptability”, his “resilience”.

He was in denial is what he was. I over heard him on the phone talking to someone describing where we were living. I thought to myself, are we even on the same planet? He was describing his great shop, the many project antique cars he was working on the beautiful home we lived in and the facts were, it was a rat infested, one room shack that didn’t have a bathroom or kitchen. The yard was over grown and had derelict cars every where.

It didn’t bother him and he didn’t strive for better because it didn’t matter as long as he could lie about it. The fantasy was as good as the truth as long as no one challenged his lies.

I used to think his guitars were important to him but he could pawn them, lose them, have them stolen and just move on. Eventually he’d find a way to buy more. He had vehicles I thought he really loved, but if need be he could give them up in a heart beat for money or to attain a goal. For instance; he had a really nice 1970 something or other. He sold it to replace the tranny in my truck (which he burned out to begin with). Then he tampered with my truck and wrecked the new tranny. I told his stepdad and he said, “That doesn’t even make sense. He wouldn’t do that, he’s invested so much into fixing your truck, why on earth would he purposely wreck it?

Because he didn’t like me having a nicer truck, doing better at the job he hadn’t done well at and systematically sabotaged my truck until I was out of money and couldn’t afford to fix it. I had managed to last a lot longer than he had anticipated. But in the end, when he revealed his hand, I thwarted his plan and he never got my truck.

It was in the repair shop with tow charges owing, he told me he had a buddy who would take it off my hands for the amount owing. Something like $900. I knew there was no “buddy” he had planned all along to get my $10,000 truck for nothing. I told him I would give the truck away to a stranger before any “buddy” got his hands on it and he could tell his “buddy” to go fuck himself.

Within a year he had an old Chevy pickup truck he was fixing up. The new woman no doubt financed that for him.

The narcissist will play the role of victim and cry for all he’s had taken from him if it will garner him sympathy or guilt someone into giving him something. But the tears are an act. Watch closely, he’ll have his face in his hands crying real tears but peaking through his fingers to see if everyone is falling for it.

The biggest mistake everyone makes when dealing with a narcissist is to assume they have feelings like a normal person. You would be much more accurate to think of them as a robot, programed to function in every day society. But robots have their limitations.

The Tools Of A Narcissist

Imagine if you will; you’ve been on your own for almost a year, or maybe it’s even been a couple of years; however long it’s been since you left the narcissist who feasted on your heart and you are finally whole.

You’ve done alot of hard work putting the pieces of your life together, you have found a new you under all the pain and confusion. You are feeling stronger and you’ve set new healthy boundaries, no man is ever going to have that control over you again.

You’ve been dating, nothing too serious and you doubt you will ever meet another man who will stir up the passion you had with the narcissist. But that’s ok because it was that passion that brought you to your knees and made you sacrifice everything.

Life is ok and you are ok with just ok. No passion, but no emotional roller coaster either.

Then, the phone rings. You check call display, it’s become a habit, he hasn’t called in months, a year? You used to count the hours, days, since you last talked to him but it’s been so long you’ve lost count. Your heart stops, it’s him. You stare at the phone, your mind races; you wonder why he’s calling now, what could he possibly say now, remember; “curiosity killed the cat”.

Oh but damn, it’s so hard to put that phone down and walk away. You’re stronger now, you just want to see what he has to say, you think this is your chance to tell him what you really think of him, you’re on to his games, he won’t be able to suck you back into his web of bullshit this time. You know what you are dealing with this time. And……you answer.

Hello?

Him in his soft, I couldn’t hurt a fly, soaked in honey voice,”Baby, I was afraid you wouldn’t answer. I don’t know if I should call or not, I just wanted to hear your voice. I need to know if you are ok.”

You, “You shouldn’t have called.”

Him, “Sorry. But it is really good to hear your voice.” he laughs nervously. “Are you doing ok?”

You’re forcing yourself to not smile. (He said it was good to hear your voice!! Heart get out of my throat) “I am doing good, no thanks to you! You really hurt me, left me with nothing but your shit and bills to clean up.”

Him in an even softer voice, “I know, and I am SO sorry. I will pay you back, that’s partly why I am calling. I’m finally making some decent money and you’re the first person I felt guilty about, I HAVE to try to make things right. I can’t live with myself knowing I hurt you……..I know I didn’t tell you enough, but you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

You are thrown off guard. He just admitted he did you wrong, he just basically apologized, he never admitted fault before! What’s going on?

He continues, “Look, I know you have every reason to not believe me and I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want to disrupt your life, I know I screwed it up and I have to live with my mistakes and the fact that it’s my fault I lost the only woman who ever really loved me and understood me, my soul mate. I just want the opportunity to at least pay you back.”

You, “I guess that would be ok. But I am seeing someone and have a new life now.”

Him, “I understand. You have found someone else. As long as you are happy, you deserve to be happy. I hope he treats you like the queen you are.”

You, “He’s a nice guy.”

Him, “Can I call you again?”

You, “I guess.”

Him with a sigh of relief, “Thank you Babe, that’s all I can ask of you. Thank you!”

You, “No biggie”. You are struggling to keep calm and sound indifferent but your mind is screaming, “What the hell is going on??!”

You, “Ok, well I should probably go.”

Him, “of course. I’m sorry to babble. I’ve missed you.”

You, “I used to miss you too.”

Him, “Babe?.”

You, “Yeah.”

Him, “There’s a song that always makes me think of you, Do You Drink About Me, just wanted you to know, it’s probably silly, forget I said anything. Sorry. I’ll let you go.” And in a barely audible whisper you think you hear him say, “I love you….”

*Click*

You, “Alexa? Play  Do You Drink About Me.

DON’T GO DOWN THAT RABBIT HOLE!!!

He has accomplished exactly what he set out to do. 

1. Get you thinking about him, wondering why he called now, what does he want, did he really say “I love you”, is he really sorry, has he changed??!!

2. Make you doubt yourself. 

3. Remind you that it wasn’t all bad.

4. Remind you of the passion and connection you had in the beginning.

5. Open the door, even a crack so he can slither back into your life.

And slither he will, just like the snake that he is. Once he is back in your life it won’t take long before you will be right back where you were. 

He’ll leave you alone for a few days, maybe send a text saying how good it was to hear your voice.

Then the next day, another text. “Have you listened to our song yet? I just heard it and thought of you.” (Notice now it is our song)

That night, “Still drinking of you. Goodnight Babe. Sweet dreams. I’ll be dreaming of you.”

Oh you would have to be a hard hearted Hannah to not start to weaken.

This is why No Contact is so vitally important. 

My next post. What To Do When The Narcissist Says All The Right Things.