Category Archives: My Personal Journey of Healing

posts pertaining to my own struggles with healing and letting go after leaving James

Learning To Live A Life Worth Living

I have said it before, to you, to the doctors and nurses, to my friends and family; quality of life is far more important to me than quantity of life.

Once again, I had the opportunity to ponder this belief, as I lay on the floor of my living room, with the 911 operator telling me help was on the way and I was telling him I didn’t think I was going to live much longer.

You see, ever since I got the vaccine I have not felt well and exactly two weeks after getting the Pfizer vaccine, I collapsed, breaking my ankle in the process. My implanted defibrillator jump started my heart, but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breath, I was barely able to crawl to my phone and call 911.

It turns out the Pfizer vaccine has been causing heart failure in mostly young men. In my mind, if it causes heart inflammation and failure in young men; what does it do to the heart of middle aged woman who already has heart failure? I was feeling great, I get the vaccine; against my better judgement, and almost immediately felt like crap and like my heart was failing again.

The only thing I could think of while laying on my floor was telling my son I love him and then to call my dog to my side, so the EMT could get in and to keep her calm. I wasn’t afraid of dying at all, I could die tomorrow with no regrets. What scares me, is not having any quality of life.

What really pisses me off is; a few years ago I was at the lowest point in my life. I can’t imagine getting much lower, sick with heart failure and given no more than 6 months to live, living in my car, struggling to survive on $600/month welfare, my ex stalking me and trying to get me evicted, arrested and fired.

I had over come all of it!!

My life was going great. No big ups, but no big downs, I love my trailer. I was making enough money to do the things I wanted, maintain my car and home, never worried about where I was going to get groceries. I was able to buy gifts for loved ones, and give to those in need. I had my dream job and got accolades daily at work. I had free reign over all the garden design of a 55 acres golf course, and had completed all the design and planting, and was doing the final finishing touches just as the 2021 season begins.

I have committed to having my grand daughter come to stay with me in less than 2 weeks. I have a standard transmission on my car, I live in a rather remote area. I was planning on having money to entertain her with. Hell, I was going to have enough money to skirt my trailer before winter, I need a new phone. I had spent money I haven’t made yet.

What really pisses me off is having my whole life ripped out from under me again and being totally helpless to do a damn thing about it, and my gut had been screaming at me to not get the fucking vaccine!

So, what does this have to do with a narcissist and living my best life? When you are looking at the end of your life and have very precious limited time on this earth, you don’t want to waste the time you have on things that don’t really matter.

Near death puts things into perspective. I regret all the hours, days, weeks and years I wasted trying to be what some man wanted. How many tears have I wasted on men who didn’t give a shit?

I wasted years after I left the narcissist just obsessing about what he was doing and with who. Years being angry.

It has taken me literally years to put my life back together. I have worked SO hard on myself, on being the best version of me that I can be.

This triggers me back 10 years to when my ex was promising to fix my work truck (that he had broken to begin with) and he played this sadistic power game of promising to fix it over and over again, only to not do it. Or when I would get up for work and he would have done something to my truck and this feeling of defeat would envelop me. I had to turn my feelings off completely in order to not have a complete break down. I feel that now. I have to surrender, throw up my hands and give up the battle, or have a complete break down.

I get pissed off at women who are so wrapped up in their relationship with a narcissist that they are wasting their lives. I want to grab them and shake them; scream at them, “Time is so precious! Wake up and appreciate all that you have, before it’s gone!”

I know a 24 yr old single mom who recently left a narcissist, she is already dating a sweetheart of a guy. But she’s going to lose him, because he IS healthy and has no desire to fix anyone. He is encouraging her to pursuit her education, better herself, be independent, and expects nothing from her. And she expects nothing from herself. She relies on him to make her feel good about herself. She isn’t ready to grow up and do what needs to be done to grow as a person and protect herself, better herself and have a healthy relationship.

She is relying on the sweetheart of a guy to play the daddy role already, and he has kids of his own. She is more focussed on getting her ego boosted with seductive photos and duck-faced selfies, instead of self reflection and getting to know herself and being the best version of herself.

Plus she is trying to make her ex feel bad, jealous, or realize he made a mistake. What she doesn’t realize is, he does.not.care, and her plastering that her new boyfriend is “daddy” is only making her look bad and proving what he claims; she is being a vindictive bitch alienating his daughter from him. She is making his court case for him.

Like it or not, it’s time to put her big girl panties on and face reality. She is in control of her destiny, no one else, and she is in danger of repeating history.

Maybe 24 is simply to young to “get” it. Maybe she has to repeat history a few more times before the light goes on. It’s sad.

How Low Can You Go?

I’ve listened to this mother/son duet 4 times and this morning sobbed listening to it again.

Before the N, I had no idea how low a person can get. I was so hopeless, I couldn’t imagine my life ever being ok again. I couldn’t imagine ever being happy again.

I was truly broken in every sense of the word. Everything I thought to be true was a lie. I didn’t know who I was. I had no idea how sick my mind had become. I hadn’t realized how screwed up my values had become.

I had no idea how strong I was until I survived what I never thought I could. I didn’t appreciate life until it was almost taken away. I never knew how talented I was until i had nothing to lose by trying something new. Until I had to rebuild myself.

I had never realized how shallow my mother was until I had to rebuild myself and examined my beliefs about myself. I saw and felt her inability to deal with the “shame” of my situation.

The worst hurt, the most damage, the hardest thing to over come was not the pain the narc caused in my life and heart; it was my mother’s negativity and selfishness. It took being broken to realize how she had handicapped me my whole life.

Once I came to that realization I was able to heal and eventually I was able to express my anger and pain to her and forgive her, even though I know she doesn’t really “get it”.

Listen to this mother and son and let it out. Have a good cry, let all the pain, fear, anger and self doubt out. Then go wash your face and do something. Anything, that has a positive impact on someone’s life, be it yours or a stranger’s. Just take a step forward. Know you can rise up.

You don’t need to know all the steps, you won’t know what the future holds and it is scary but trust me, the first step is the most important and the only one that counts. Until you make that first step, all the good things waiting for you can’t happen and you will remain in limbo. Rise Up! You aren’t alone. You are stronger than you know.

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=3739605279501402

Learning The Lessons of Life

My last post was about friends and family missing the “old you”.
This post is about taking a negative experience, learning from it, growing, and becoming a better person because of it.
I have always searched for the lesson in everything I go through because nothing is a waste if you learn something from it, if you can grow as a person. I also feel we all have at least one purpose for being here. The one thing that bothered me the most after I left my ex was, thinking I had wasted 10 years of my life; I couldn’t live with that. If I could figure out what happened to me, share what I learned and saved one woman from going through the same thing; it would all be worth it.
Friends who insist you need to go back to your old self are being selfish and holding you back from becoming the best you can be.
Of course you have changed, it’s ridiculous to expect you to go back to your old self and if your friends don’t realize this; you need better friends.
I was determined to find the lesson in the experience because they say you will keep repeating the same mistakes until you learn the lesson. God knows I didn’t want to go through that again! But lots of women do, over and over again; and they are so busy blaming the narcissist and being the victim, they never stop long enough to learn the lesson; figure out what THEY are doing to bring this into their life.
The friends who want the old you back are probably the same friends who are encouraging you to “just find a nice guy”, like you purposely picked an abusive guy. The friends who think you just need to “get over it” and “move on” are lazy. They want to have fun, they don’t want to deal with your emotions and your pain.
Not all friends are good for us or want what is best for us. If you got involved with a narcissist, you more than likely are a “people pleaser” and once you start to heal grow and change, you are going to realize you are surrounded by narcissistic people. Being narcissistic does not mean a person is a narcissist, it just means they can’t relate, can’t understand, or don’t want to make the effort to understand, at this time. Some people are naturally more empathetic than others. It takes all kinds to make up this world.
We do a dance with everyone in our life. We develop a way of interacting with people. They know how to manipulate us to get what they want and we them. They may not even realize they do it, they may think they have your best interests at heart; but, the worst decisions I have ever made in my life were made because someone pressured me into it. I have never regretted a decision my gut agreed with.

Think about it; you usually know exactly how someone will respond in a certain situation, how an argument will go. You had a dance you did with the narcissist. After years of him breaking up with me and then coming back, I got used to the dance and accepted it was “just the way we were” and we would keep doing this dance forever more. But he changed the dance and found someone new and left us standing alone on the dance floor. We felt helpless, didn’t know the next step, we have to learn a new dance.
People don’t like change, period.
They want to know, if I do this, they will do that. When you change the steps, don’t respond the way they expect, they have to learn a new dance. Some people always want to be the leader and refuse to follow. Men can relate to a dancing with a woman who refuses to follow his lead on the dance floor. Someone’s toes inevitably get stepped on.
You are changing the dance, some people aren’t going to follow. You can just follow their lead and keep doing the same dance or you can change the dance and if they don’t follow; you walk away and leave them standing alone on the dance floor.
Embrace the lesson, grow from it, become all you are destined to be, as you grow and change; old friends will fall away and you will meet new friends. There will be a handful, or maybe just one friend who is willing to learn a new dance with you.
Victims of a narcissist view everything in a negative light, the death of a relationship, death of friendships, life will never be good again, they are losing everything. That’s what the narcissist wants you to think.
The narcissist doesn’t ever grow from an experience because they don’t care about personal growth, they are shallow, empty, and that is why they are able to immediately “fall in love” with someone new.
No matter what anyone tells you; it is NOT normal to be able to just move on from a love relationship.

Embrace this opportunity to grow and learn from life, to step out of your comfort zone and be a better you. Your true friends will learn the steps to your new dance.