Category Archives: My Personal Journey of Healing

posts pertaining to my own struggles with healing and letting go after leaving James

Heart Breaks Do Heal

When the victim is leaving or has been dumped for the umpteenth time by the narcissist they feel like they can’t go on, won’t survive the pain.

I know I am not alone when I say I felt like I just wanted to die, life was not worth living. I literally had nothing to live for and no hope of ever changing my bleak future.

As my ex had told me, “No man is ever going to want a psycho, paranoid, whining, suicidal bitch like you anyway”

And I don’t share this video in order to make you think your happiness resides in meeting another man and falling in love.

My point in sharing is to say, what seems hopeless, and what feels like the end to you ever being happy again is just one door closing, a door that needed to close in order for you to find your true self and real happiness.

What you think is a perfect fit and what you thought was your future will seem rediculous a few years from now.

So many victims lament that they want to be their “old self”, happy go lucky, niave, innocent, confident, but don’t know how now that they have known true evil.

You can’t go back, nor should you. You wouldn’t have even gotten into that mess, or stayed if there wasn’t something in you that needed fixing.

I believe we should all spend our whole life learning, growing and trying to be our best selves. I don’t think it is a goal we can ever attain.

Anyway, this woman tells a great story I think any divorcing woman can relate to or anyone who can look back to a time they had lost all hope. We never know what the future holds.

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Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late

I have been there, believe me. Deep down you know you are in danger but when you tell anyone they doubt you and then you doubt yourself. Maybe you are paranoid, maybe you are imagining things.

Please, I was lucky, it took my sister-in-law telling me he would kill me if I didn’t leave. Maybe God let me live because he needed me to educate people, be there to support victims. I should have, could have died several times.

I was reading a post the other day about Flying Monkeys and the damage they do. I always read the comments on posts and this one was no different. That is where I read the following comment.

I’m going through something ive never seen written about. My ex has fm that sneak into my daughters attic and stay above only the room im in….so who hears them right. Plus they have a newly redone attic that make little noise. They throw liquid on me, use something to make burns on my head. Use something to make me so tired i actually passed out withfood in my mouth. What do i do? Pray. Its been 4 years we broke up and we r divorced. I did divorce. He got everything. Our business ect. I had many hospital stays in our 37 yr marriage. I had 11 kidney stones……bladder so red they thought i had cancer. He was always cold and distant. I am 57 never had kidney stones. Got so bad i couldnt pee. Then just blood……he got weird phone call and i heard him say no shes just scared. He has been abusive in everyway. Near the end i was passing out at random times and am again. Help!!

ML (she used her full name but for her protection I am using her initials, just in case I am wrong) you need to move immediately. Find a safe shelter for domestic abuse victims. It is unlikely the police will believe you because it does sound far fetched. I believe you, but only because I have been there. People who haven’t experienced the abuse of a narc think, “But that doesn’t make sense. Why would someone do that?” The only answer is, “because they are a narcissist. They are evil soul destroyers”.
Plan your escape very carefully and covertly. No one can know. Once you have a safe place to go to leave in one fell swoop. Take what you can and leave the rest, nothing is worth your life. I left with $5 and my dog and slept in my truck. It’s been a long haul and life has been tough but I never regretted getting away and now 8 years after leaving my life is anxiety free, and I have good friends I can trust.
As long as you live where they have access to you, you are not safe.
Good luck.

ML, also, if that is your real name stop using it to post on social media immediately!! Do a Google search of your name and see what shows up. Any comments you make will show up in a Google search. If they are spying on you, you can bet they are tracking your Internet activity. Also check your vehicle for a tracking device and get a different phone. It’s amazingly easy to hack into a person’s cell phone and have full access to a person’s photos, text messages, and GPS. They can listen in on all your conversations and actually see what you are doing, even if you think your phone is off.

I immediately got out of that post and did a Google search on her name and the only thing that came up was an Obituary saying she died Dec 28, 2018. She comment was made 36 weeks ago, that would have meant her comment was made at the end of June 2018.

I am not saying her ex killed her. I don’t know her or him at all.

I DO know there are many ways to kill a person, you don’t have to even be in the same vicinity.

There are many ways a rcissist can kill a person; by slowly poisoning them physically or mentally. They can make their life so unbearable they feel their only escape is to kill themselves. (By getting them fired, evicted, cut off assistance, turn their kids against them, ruin their reputation) They can make them feel useless and turn everyone against them. Or they can make them feel (and act) paranoid and crazy. They can badger them incessantly with taunting phone calls, emails and text messages. They can destroy their property until they own nothing at all. Some, like my ex tamper with the victims vehicle, cutting brake lines, loosening lugnuts, the steering.

The stress alone can kill them, a woman leaving an abusive relationship is 75% more likely to get a chronic illness like cancer or like in my case, heart failure. Almost all victims end up with PTSD.

Unfortunately, since I started this blog I personally know of at least 6 women who were killed by their narcissist ex. That is just the ones I know for sure, there are more, like this woman, I suspect their killer is walking free.

The victim is often so deep into cognitive dissonance they convince themselves the narcissist is not really dangerous and deep down loves them and couldn’t really hurt them. They think they know the narcissist better than anyone and can handle him. They think they will be able to talk him out of hurting her or be able to outsmart him.

They also think they can’t live without the narcissist, or they can wean themselves off the narc. Or, they think one day they will have their fill and be able to walk away without it hurting like hell. The narc will hurt them one last time and they will kick him to the curb and never doubt their decision. All lies.

You can not ever be “ready” to leave, you will have self doubt, and he is going to try everything to make you doubt yourself.

As long as you remain in contact with the narcissist, in any form at all, even through friends and family; you are putting yourself in danger.

And yes, I too found myself wishing he would just kill me and get it over with because I didn’t think I could leave and start all over alone. I had nothing, I was 51, I just didn’t feel strong enough, couldn’t see ever having a life worth living but I dug deep and took that first step.

You don’t know what the future holds if you leave, but you know what the future will be like if you stay; and it only gets worse. Your only chance for a better life is to leave.

I am not saying leaving isn’t hard, it IS hard, you are going to cry and go through all kinds of emotions and you will struggle with yourself to not call him BUT it does get better and easier.

That much I can promise you!!

You don’t know how strong you are until you make it through something you didn’t think you could. If it was easy you wouldn’t need strength or courage.

Don’t give up on yourself!!

Don’t let him/her win!

Definition Of A Strong Independent Woman

I think many people are confused about the traits of a strong independent woman.

They see a woman who’s outspoken, in your face, and will tell you exactly what they think of you, and think she is a strong woman. So many victims will say they need to tell the narcissist what they think of him so he doesn’t think they are weak or that he won.

There are alot of people who view victims of domestic abuse as being weak and needy, when often times the opposite is true.

I had someone say I am “just like your mother”, strong and independent. I was shocked! and said as much; “my mother is opinionated and judgemental, but she is far from strong and independent. I have known women who will give a man shit using language like the proverbial logger. I’ve known women who will make demands of those around her and not back down because she thinks she deserves their compliance and “respect”. Women who will argue, loudly! and angrily because they must always be right, (even though they don’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about). They will declare someone a loser, stupid, or an asshole based on superficial appearances, or consider someone successful based on outward appearances.

Usually this type of person is in fact quite insecure and very dependent on the approval of others and their opinions tend to change with popular opinion. They are not narcissists but often times they end up inadvertently being the flying monkeys of the narcissist. They are dangerous, because they don’t stand by their convictions or their convictions aren’t based on facts or educated.

A truly strong woman is not in your face, she is not judgemental and makes her decisions about people based on her own experience and gut instincts. A strong woman will stand by her convictions because she has formed them after educating herself and personal experience. She is willing to listen to an opposing opinion without attacking the other person, because her opinion is based on her experience and knowledge and she is confident in her decisions. She will defend her position calmly with facts and isn’t threatened by someone disagreeing with her.

A strong woman doesn’t make rash decisions and weighs the facts.

A strong woman doesn’t go with popular opinion and has strong moral convictions. She defends the people she cares about and will have your back no matter what. She may not have many friends, because she takes the job of “friend” very seriously. She is a loyal and devoted partner who will “stand by her man” when many less strong women would have walked away.

A strong woman isn’t with a man for his money or because she needs a man to take care of her. She is there because of love and will sacrifice her own resources and security because she is confident she can recoup any losses and she doesn’t gauge a person’s value on what they have.

What hurt me far more than being hit by my ex was, the people I loved and trusted the most in my life turning against me because they thought I was weak. (Besides the fact that family of all people especially should be there for you when you are feeling weak)

What they were calling weak was the same self sacrifice and loyalty they had taken for granted from me for years. The same strength they had grown to rely on when their lives fell apart or they had no one in their corner.

A strong woman gets on with life and will prove over and over again what she is made of, without saying a word.

Don’t allow the narcissist to bait you into becoming the psycho vindictive bitch he says you are.

It was when I gave up trying to defend myself and accepted that I only had control over my own actions and not the actions or opinions of the narc or the people who believed his lies, that I was able to find peace. When I made the conscious decision to always live true to my core self and to hell with the rest of the world is when my life started to fall into place.

I didn’t want to remain a victim so I didn’t make it part of my identity. I decided a couple of years ago to just carry on, being me, living honestly, true to my core self; more than ever before in my life. Of course I care what people think of me, I want people to like me, but it doesn’t affect how I operate, I remain true to me.

The other day I was telling a couple of women I have known for about 3 years about being in an abusive relationship because I felt it was relevant to our discussion about the trailer I am fixing up. I didn’t think they thought I was weak, I think the information just gave their opinion of me more depth.

The thing is; I know I am not weak. That knowledge is my secret power. It is that knowledge that puts a smile on my face when someone under estimates what I am capable of.

I always thought I was strong, I had gone through some stuff in my life that alot of people never have to face and I did it with calm control at a young age. I knew I had the strength within me to handle the situation and at those times I had family support also. But I discovered how tremendously strong I am when I faced something I didn’t think I could survive and made it through, totally on my own. Some people never discover how strong they actually are.

The first thought and the first thing I say to a woman who tells me she just left an abuser after, say; 20 plus years is, “You must be an incredibly strong woman.” Not just to leave, but to have stayed 20 years.

I compare it to my dog, Stella. I find it interesting that she is the most nonaggressive dog at the dog park. She stands there observing. Some dogs are just assholes, they will pick up every dog in the park, regardless of size, but they never ever pick up Stella.

There are other dogs that will roll over and show their belly in submission the minute some dog shows them aggression. Stella never shows her belly.

The minute she sees a dog being picked on she wades in and gets in their face barking. If they don’t stop she blocks them with her body and as a last resort she will get her legs around the bully, throw them down and lay on them until they submit.

She never looks for confrontation but she is fearless when it happens. We were walking the other day and there was car parked with a couple in it. The guy was loudly giving the woman shit. Stella was very concerned about it and kept stopping and turning back to look at the car. After the 3rd time I told her, “Ok. Let’s go check it out”. And let her lead the way. She walked straight up to the driver’s door of the car and stared at the man and I stood on the sidewalk watching. The guy stopped yelling and looked at Stella, “Hey Buddy”, he said and then looked at me, looking at him. He stopped yelling and we went on our way.

And you know what? Everyone loves Stella.

My point is this; don’t allow your head or anyone else convince you that you are not strong. A truly strong person is not afraid to show vulnerability and be themselves because they know; whatever comes their way, they will survive it.

Also, you need to realize that the narcissist didn’t take anything from you that you didn’t give away. You always were in control and could have left any time. To confront the narcissist is not going to prove you are strong, it is only going to prove he still has control over your emotions.

Do you have an accurate view of what makes a strong woman?

The #1 Lie The Narcissist Wants The Victim To Believe

no bullshit

Not My Bull

Not My Bullshit

There is a common misconception that drove me and many other victims of a narcissist crazy. The casual observer is guilty of making the same  erroneous assumption; which is…….. if the next woman stays longer than you did, they must be happy and getting along, she must know some secret to remaining happy while with the narcissist. The narcissist loves to rub the previous victim’s nose in it too, loving to point out how this woman is still with him. So YOU must be flawed in some way.

First of all, longevity says nothing about how happy the woman is or how harmonious their relationship is. I have had people say to me, “Well, he’s still with the next woman.” So? and your point is? It is making a statement without making a statement, or it sure feels like it to the victim. For one thing, you are supposed to have cut all mutual friends out of your life so you wouldn’t hear shit exactly like this. Who needs it??

Secondly, how happy were you while you were with him? Sure, you stayed, but were you happy? No, he treated you like shit! behind closed doors he treated you like dirt under his feet, but you looked happy out in public too, didn’t you? because in public he treated you good; especially when you first started dating. You can bet there was an ex sitting somewhere watching you and him and thinking, “They look so happy. It must have been me.”

My ex worked at keeping our relationship somewhat intact until we passed the magic 10 year mark because that is how long his last long term relationship lasted and his ex had said it would never last. He knew it would really bother her for us to last longer than they did. The victim always feels, “He will never find some woman to love him the way I do, who will put up with what I do.” The thing is though, he has told her a bunch of lies and now he blames his bad behavior on the abuse he suffered with the last woman, ALL the women he has ever been with……..except you of course.

Wanna know a secret? I never allowed myself to believe that shit, sure, there were times my mind went down that path and I hauled it’s ass right off of that train of thought the minute it took the self depreciating detour to “what’s she got that I don’t have land?”

The only thing you know for sure is how he treated you, everything else is hearsay and speculation. You need to only concern yourself with things you have first hand knowledge of and have any control over.  Everyone has their own history, personal experience, personality, weaknesses, strengths, and hangups. Everyone handles things in their own way, what worked for you won’t necessarily work for someone else and everyone has their own emotional limit; their last straw, for whatever reason,is not the same as your last straw. For reasons only she knows, she is hanging in longer than you did or he has found more resources to drain her of. OR he knows it is driving you crazy and is working double time to hide his true self from the new woman so she won’t dump his ass.

Leopard’s don’t change their spots, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. No one treats one person as badly as the N treated you and does a complete 180 with the next person he meets, because a nice, caring person would never treat anyone the way the N treated you, no matter what kind of nasty bitch you were.

If some other woman is sticking it out with him maybe she is more gullible than you were, not as smart, in deeper, thinks she has too much to lose, or too far gone down the toxic rabbit hole to see the light of day. It does not mean he has changed or there was/is anything wrong with you.

My ex has been with the “new” woman almost 8 years and with every year that they are together I feel a bit better; Thank God I am not the only woman who got sucked in, I was not the stupidest!! I would have felt worse if she would have picked up on what he is a lot sooner than I did, THEN I would feel there must be something wrong with me.

No matter what; there is no way we can know for sure what is going on behind their closed doors, and it does no good whatsoever to dwell on something we have no control over and does not affect us in any way. It only affects us when we let it. We DO have control over what we choose to think about and obsess about.

Practice saying, “Not my , not my monkey.”

OR Not my bull, not my bullshit.

I am a dog owner and I gladly pick up my dog’s shit every single day, it’s part of the job being a dog owner. Well, being involved with a narcissist requires pickup their bullshit, but you don’t have to, you choose to. We all have choices. Believe me, a dog will never treat you as badly as the narcissist, if you love picking up shit, get a dog. It will be a lot more loving and loyal.

 

Lowering Your Standards Does Not Raise Your Self Worth

When we “settle” for less than we deserve, whether we realize it or not; our self-worth suffers.

When we met the narcissist we thought he was a high quality person, someone with principles and high standards, someone in line with our high standards and morals. As we got to know him better we started to witness things that hinted he was not as moral as he pretends to be. A questionable business deal, a friendship destroyed by some disloyalty of his, accusations of wrong doing. You might not be able to identify anything specific but your gut is telling you something is off.

You don’t want to falsely accuse him so you don’t confront him at first or if you do, you are careful to not sound accusatory.

With my ex it was when a neighbor offered to let him buy a motorcycle really cheap because it wasn’t running. My ex didn’t have the $400 so the guy said he could pay over time but the bike would stay with him until it was paid for.

My ex immediately started checking Craigslist for Swap/Trade Ads and found one where a guy wanted to trade a BWM for a motorcycle.

He called the guy and was talking like he had just been out for a ride on the bike and had owned it for a couple of years. He told the guy he would bring the bike down and come look at the car.

He went to the owner of the bike and begged to take the bike home so he could work on it so it would be running when he had it paid for. The owner said OK but he was keeping the registration.

My ex had the bike in his shop less than an hour and had it running. He loaded it on his flat deck and drove out of the park we lived in.

When the owner of the bike got home from work all the neighbors told him my ex had left the park with his bike on the truck. He was furious and I didn’t blame him, I was furious. He couldn’t trade something he hadn’t paid for.

My ex came home with the BMW but the owner of the car wouldn’t give him the registration until he got the registration for the bike.

I was pissed! Now what was he going to do? I knew it!! A person should never lie, it always bites you in the ass. But he was not the least bit concerned. He told me to mind my own business, this is how people do business all the time. I had to let it go but it drove me crazy with worry. What were the neighbors thinking? I was such an honest person.

After a week of the two guys calling him constantly wanting the reggie or money he took the wheels off the BMW and sold them for $400, paid for the bike, got the registration and took it to the owner of the BMW.

He bought the bike owner a bottle of wine and everyone was happy.

I thought maybe I was wrong.

There were other questionable deals and he always told me to shut up and mind my own business, I didn’t know anything about wheeling and dealing. People were always getting upset with him, he was accused of stealing but somehow he always avoided being charged with anything.

I thought perhaps I was being too black and white and maybe there were grey areas of the law. I knew I had always been inflexible when it came to breaking the law, drugs, fidelity.

The more I compromised the more he pushed the boundaries. Life with him was a constant contradiction, praising the Lord one day and stealing the next. Being charitable and kind to others and selfish and mean with me.

He would be so sweet butter would melt in his mouth in front of the neighbors but then every time I walked out of the house by myself the neighbors would come running to complain about how inconsiderate he was. I told them to speak to him directly because I had no control over what he did. I had tried to explain why the neighbors were upset about him working in his shop at 2 am, but it seemed the more I tried to explain the more he did it. He enjoyed pissing people off, yet would try to smooth things over and it always worked.

It was as if he was trying to force me down to his level. At times he used my good reputation to his advantage. People would tend to believe he must be telling the truth because an honest person like me wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t honest and I always staunchly defended him. I truly thought he was honest just naive. How naive of ME!! I still wonder about some things being the truth or bullshit.

My God, there were so many questionable incidents and for years I gave him the benefit of doubt explaining over and over again that; if you take something that doesn’t belong to you people think you are stealing. I know it sounds crazy to be explaining that to a 40 year old man but he always has some excuse. It was in the garbage so he took it, someone who doesn’t work there any more gave it to him, the boss said he could take it but forgot he said it or changed his mind.

In the 10 years I was with him I had 3 vehicles stolen and he had 3 stolen and totalled one for the insurance money. (I can’t prove it but I know) Six vehicles stolen in 10 years. But I finally did get smart and would keep my registration hidden from him. Now that is a healthy relationship! You hide the registration from the man you love, your soul mate, what does that tell you?

He got fired from every job he ever had. When he had a job he would work 7 days a week. I think because then he would be alone at work and able to steal shit plus he wanted to make sure no one figured out what he was doing. I have never known anyone who went to work one morning and his key no longer fit the lock on the door and he was fired. They were holding his final pay cheque and his tools box was either confiscated or outside the gate.

It happened to him 3 times! And for half of our relationship he was self employed!

I used to insure his truck because I got a 43% discount on my insurance and he had a 43% surcharge added to his. I signed a transfer and tax form in case something happened to me he could sign it over to his name. He told me he had lost it and gave me another one to sign. I was going to fill out the details like the VIN # and he said not to bother, he would fill it in. He kept losing them and I had signed half a dozen of them until one day I ran into a friend. He was on the way to the bank to get money out because he was buying a truck from my ex. I offered to drive him to the bank and I asked which truck he was buying. The blue one parked out front? No the yellow one parked out back.

I argued “No, you can’t be, that’s my truck.”

He insisted that was the truck he was buying, he even had a transfer and tax form with my signature on it!!!

Alarm bells, sirens were ringing, lights were flashing, my own foot came up and kicked me in the ass.

Needless to say, he never bought my truck BUT my truck never ran again either.

* Narcissists do not like to be thwarted.

There were distinct stages of denial I went through until I was in full blown cognitive dissonance before I came full circle to reality again. See if you can relate to any of these.

– At first I truly believed with all my heart he was totally honest and could never break the law or lie. How did I know this-he told me. That’s how. And he said it with such conviction. He had this innocent, country boy, charm going on and I defended him ferociously!

– After he had been accused several times of stealing I still told myself he was stupid. He didn’t mean to steal, it was a misunderstanding. How did I know this? Well, because he told me they misunderstood his motives.

– I eventually got to the stage of telling myself I was not responsible for his actions. I would just turn a blind eye to what he was doing in business, his “deals” and lead my life honestly. I stopped trying to “fix” the messes he created.

– There was one problem with not cleaning up his messes. His messes almost definitely automatically became my messes and I would have to deal with them. If he lost his job, we couldn’t pay the rent, we got evicted, I would have to clean up the mess. Guys he has pissed off run us off the road while I’m driving becomes my problem also. Guys he stole from call me and threaten to come over and stay with me until he shows up and they are drunk and yelling about blood flowing and I end up driving around with my dog afraid to go home; it is now MY problem.

– I started to want to warn new friends he made. Like, how do you casually tell someone “don’t do any business deals with him and you might want to start locking your shop. He tends to have a lot of misunderstandings that will cost you money.”

– I started to not tell people he was my boyfriend, especially customers. The voices in my head kept saying, “How can you love someone you are ashamed to admit is your boyfriend?

– I would make deals with myself. If he gets arrested: I am out of here. When I had dumped him one time he came to me saying he had volunteered to go on a missionary trip to Sudan Africa. I thought, “If he actually goes and does this, I will give him another chance.” It took me years to get the truth about what happened in Sudan and it was anything but charitable.

– Finally I could not deny it any longer and could not rationalize it any more. There were no more excuses, I could not turn a blind eye, could not teach him right from wrong, was ashamed to be seen with him, couldn’t trust him to not destroy my truck (in fact I knew without a doubt he WAS sabotaging my truck). I refused to haul anything for him because I was afraid it was stolen. I broke up with him but I made a crucial mistake; I didn’t go no contact.

Any access a narcissist has to you is a bad thing for you!

Miraculously I had managed to retain my good reputation; a person has nothing without their reputation. I was proud of that.

I did not realize how a narcissist operates, well to be honest I didn’t know what I was dealing with at that time. But I have since found out that a narcissist will totally turn the tables on the victim. What he did to you he will say you did to him. The only reason he stole stuff was cuz I drove him to it with my demands for more. I sat my lazy ass on the couch all day drinking, eating bon bons and cracking the whip. He just could not make me happy.

The only reason he screwed around was because I was a suspicious psycho bitch.

He purposely sabotaged my work truck so I couldn’t pay my debts. And he called all my customers with anonymous complaints and then spread the “fake news” so it became fact that I could not be trusted. He called employers as a “concerned citizen”. I figured out what he was doing when I found his blog where he was talking about how a concerned citizen had called my boss. Funny thing is I had purposely not told a soul so if he knew he had to be the one who made the call.

But, having to defend yourself, constantly doing damage control, and wondering who he has talked to, all wears you down. Your self esteem, already low due to his gas lighting and abuse; melts through the cracks.

It makes it so much harder to recover. You either get sick like me and just give up or you move away.

The very best thing you can do? Avoid the whole shit show in the first place! What a novel idea!!

– Don’t trust someone just because they say they are honest – wait and see how they operate over time.

– When you see that their values don’t align with yours. Walk!! Immediately! It is not your job to teach anyone else how to be a good person. If they are over the age of 6 and are lying and stealing it’s too late to change them.

Remember- who you hang out with IS a reflection on you. Are you proud of who you are with? Do you feel perfectly comfortable telling anyone what goes on behind closed doors? Would you want your best friend or daughter dating this guy?

My ex used to say I made him look like an asshole when I talked to people about our relationship. My reply was, “If telling the truth makes you look like an asshole, maybe you should stop acting like an asshole.”

You should never have to lie or cover for your partner. Sure there are things you don’t talk about, like your sex life but you should never have to lie or make excuses for the person you love.

Are You In Any REAL Danger?

Leaving a narcissist is seldom the end of the abuse; in fact, quite often a whole new, covert and dangerous form of abuse starts.

Stalking and Slander!

A narcissist is never happy to just walk away from a relationship. Even if it is his idea he will slander the victim and try to destroy their reputation and ability to recover and move on. Why does he want to destroy the victim? Because narcissists are nasty like that. It’s just the way they roll. You can not break up with a narcissist and remain friends no matter what he may tell you.

If you break up with him it can be so much worse. A narcissist really hates rejection, no matter how badly he treated you; you have no right to leave him.

It is totally unrealistic and irrational for him to think he can abuse you physically and/or verbally, financially, mentally and you will just stay for more of the same but that is exactly what he expects. It makes no sense that he thinks he can threaten you and you shouldn’t call the police.

Narcissists think they are above the laws everyone else have to abide by.

Are you paranoid or over reacting to fear for your safety after ending a relationship with a narcissist?

If you mention to your friends and family your ex is threatening you they may poo poo you. Unless they have been through it a person can not possibly relate and it does sound bizarre.

First, let’s clear up any misconceptions you may have about narcissists. There is one trait that is shared by the most dangerous personality disorders; psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists, that no other disorder displays and that is; no conscience. No guilt, no remorse, no empathy.

There is no person on the earth more dangerous, unpredictable and vengeful than a Anti-social Disordered person. Under the classification of Anti-social Personality Disorder falls; psychopath, sociopath and narcissist. The differences between those 3 are so insignificant even professional psychiatrists often can’t tell one from the other. But it isn’t necessary because you only have to know; they are extremely dangerous and should not be taken lightly.

Don’t ever under estimate the vindictiveness or viciousness of a narcissist.

OK. With that cleared up what do you need to be aware of or how can you protect yourself?

He IS going to slander you, that is pretty well guaranteed so you would be wise to advise people like employers, family and friends ahead of time. He will try to get you evicted and fired, be prepared.

I made the conscious decision to start this blog and thus revealing my identity and speak out about my experiences with a narcissist. There have been times I regretted that decision and wish I would have done it under a pseudonym but then I thought my speaking out publicly might just save my life too. It was unlikely my ex would do me harm if I had a blog talking about the abuse, he would be the first suspect. That did not protect me from vicious slander and him trying to ruin my reputation and any chance I had of recovering and living in comfort in the future.

I knew he was reading my blog and he tried to discredit me by leaving comments but I blocked him, he then tried under different email addresses and names so I got an IP Tracker for free, StatsCounter .

I was then able to track every visitor to my blog and their IP #, exact location, what post they visited, time they visited etc. It only covers 500 visits for free but for under $10 a month I was able to track many more. (this app proved to be priceless and helped me to help many people)

My ex even tried to have me charged with inciting violence against him because of my blog. He didn’t know where I was living so he had the cops call my 80 year old mother. Of course she panicked. It had been long enough I no longer panicked, sure there was that familiar tightening in my gut but I told myself to stay calm and I called the cop back.

You see, the narcissist has us so brainwashed into thinking we have no control over our life that we get stuck in victim mode. I started viewing things in a “what CAN I do” mind set instead of a “I have no control” mindset. First I went through my blog looking for anything I might have said that could be construed as inciting violence and could find nothing. Then I honestly evaluated my purpose for having the blog and I was NOT doing it to get revenge, if I was I would have used his full name etc, how could my blog be in revenge if it didn’t show up in a Google search of his name?

Once I was sure of my position and motives I called the cop. First I made him promise to not give my location or phone number to my ex and then we started to talk. I didn’t once say anything about what my ex had done to me, I didn’t try to blame my ex because that would have sounded like I was seeking revenge and I know from past experience that people shut down as soon as you start talking about abuse. Instead I asked what I had done wrong and what my rights are. I asked the cop to give me the title of the offending post and I would change it. I heard the cop shuffling through papers, I asked if he had tried to find my blog by Googling my ex’s name, he didn’t answer me. Then he read me a paragraph I recognized that said my son would hunt my ex down if any harm ever came to me.  It was a post about a letter I had received from my ex stating that he would do whatever necessary to protect his new relationship. A veiled threat if I ever heard one. I had said that if anything ever happened to me the police and my son would be looking for my ex because he is the only one who has ever been abusive to me. I asked the cop why that was inciting violence against my ex when I clearly stated the only way my son would go looking for him would be if something happened to me. He couldn’t really give me an answer to that either. He said there might be a whacko out there who decided to kill my ex just because he read my blog and thought he deserved it and then it would be my fault.

I asked, “So you are saying that I cannot speak about my personal experiences just in case there is a weirdo out there who somehow is going to figure out my ex’s name, because I only ever use his first name and there must be millions of guys named that same name and then this whacko is going to somehow figure out what town my ex lives in and hunt him down and kill him? Do you know the odds of that happening??” He said I should not be using my ex’s first name regardless. I said ok, but even if I call him Bob my friends would know it was him because I have never been with anyone abusive before or since, so it really make no difference what name I use. We have no mutual friends, if any of his friends are reading my blog it is because he gave them the link.

Finally I said, I have no intention of taking the blog down so just tell me what I need to do to be legal.

The cop said, “You know most victims of abuse who are afraid of their abuser try to avoid making him angry and just want to get as far away as possible and not draw his attention.”

I responded with enthusiasm, “Exactly right! and the reason domestic abuse continues is …..”

The cop finished my sentence with me, “because victims are silent because they are afraid of their abuser.”

I knew then that I had gotten to him, he understood. I continued to explain, “When I was in the middle of it I made a promise to myself and God that if I ever found my way out of it I would speak out for the rest of my life in hopes I saved even one other woman from going through what I was going through. So you need to tell me how I can do that without breaking the law.”

The cop’s whole demeanor had changed and he said, “I don’t really know, no matter what he has a right to privacy.”

I said, “I agree totally. But can you tell me where is my right to share my personal experience?”

He said, “Look just don’t use his name, say “My ex” and that is all you can do. I just don’t want to have to deal with Mr. (my ex) any more.” I knew my ex must of been driving this poor cop crazy crying about being a victim of MY abuse.

The last 1/2 hour of our conversation was about our dogs, my life now, his marriage and years on the force. He said, “You sound like a really nice lady.” and wished me well and I thanked him and that was the last time my ex has made an appearance in my life. I still watch my back and don’t trust that he won’t at some point try to make trouble in my life. I know that if the opportunity presents itself he will jump on it to do me harm. The more you thwart a narcissist’s attempt to destroy you the angrier he gets and the more it becomes an obsession for him.

You can not trust anyone who stays friends with both of you. If a friend is a friend of his they are not a friend of yours, trust me!! I thought I could stay friends and soon found out that they were telling him stuff about me, even if they never meant to cause me harm and were even defending me; any information getting back to the narcissist is not going to be good for you. I had stayed in contact with my ex’s step dad, he had loaned me money to leave my ex and was always very supportive of me. I had moved onto my brother’s boat after my ex found me the last time and no one knew where I was except those closest to me until I got a call from my ex father-in-law. In the course of the conversation he asked where I was living now and against my better judgment I told him and he asked where exactly was the marina, and against my gut telling me to shut up, I told him. After I got off the phone I knew I had been stupid.

Two days later I took Stella for her morning pee at 5 am. and coming around the corner was a semi exactly like the semi my ex used to own. It came straight towards Stella and I and I froze and grabbed Stella, but I didn’t have my contact lens in and couldn’t see the driver clearly. The semi stopped, backed up (the marina was at the end of a dead end street and there was no need for a semi to be coming down that far, in fact it made it hard for him to turn around) and left, but he waved first.

After that I had a drone outside my window 5 minutes before I was to be interviewed on talk radio via Skype. My laptop crashed, never to work again but the interview went ahead on my cell phone. Within a week I was being investigated by welfare and there were numerous complaints filed against me at the marina anonymously. I was in my boat one day with all the curtains closed (after the drone incident I kept my curtains closed) and could hear a car horn honking for the longest time. I wondered who it was and who they were honking at so I peeked out my window and there, right across from the boat on the roadway was my ex in his girlfriend’s car. When he saw me looking he waved and drove off. Just his way of saying I know where you are and I can get you. People still said I was being paranoid so I went looking on line in my ex’s stuff and sure enough he had posted pics of his new semi he had just bought, exactly like his old one. And guess who had been taking pictures at a marina and had just bought himself a drone?

Do you realize how easily a tracking device can be installed on your vehicle? It attaches with a magnet and is so tiny unless you are looking for it you would never know it was there. Mine was discovered by a mechanic who just happened to know what it was. How about hacking into your cell phone? All he has to do is call you and hang up, when you return his call he is automatically hooked up to your cell and has total access to all your information AND even if it is not turned on he can hear your conversations, see where you are, and read your GPS.

Never ever use your real name when going in sites and certainly not your first and last name. I tell visitors to my blog all the time to not use their last name! Google your name and see what comes up. Every single site you have commented on will appear.  Use a fake name!!

If you are still with the narcissist make sure you delete your browser history and password your phone and computer. There is no guarantee he won’t be able to still find out where you have been but trust me; he is spying on you trying to figure out what you are up or if you have figured out what he is up to.

My ex had a hidden camera set up in our house and my sister in law found the wire that went under the house to a speaker and then out to the barn where he was always working on something.

I told myself he wouldn’t purposely sabotage my truck, that was just too crazy and I was being paranoid. While living with us my sister in law got suspicious he was doing something and caught him switching out the batteries so the truck wouldn’t start in the morning and then he would have hidden the battery charger. When I started locking the truck at night and she had the spare key he couldn’t mess under the hood and that is when he started to pour bad fuel in the tank,  loosen bolts, cut brake lines and sabotage my tires. I could have died numerous times but my excellent driving skills and God’s intervention saved me.

I can not count how many times I have heard from women who went to talk to their ex one last time because he just wanted closure or she had something to pick up that she left behind and ended up barely escaping with their life. One woman got drugged and raped while there and the last thing she remembered was him giving her a drink and the next thing she remembered was opening her eyes to see him cleaning up around the room wearing rubber gloves. She ended up being pregnant and he fought her in court for custody, She won!! but she went through hell. I thought for sure she would end up dead.

Another one ended up in a moving vehicle and a gun pointed at her head. Another had a knife at her throat. Once you leave, no matter what he says, do not agree to meet with him any where, do not get in a vehicle with him, do not go for a drink. You do not own anything worth your life. Do not engage with him in any way. Do not try to make him jealous. Do not try to reason with him or appeal to his good side. Do not stay silent. You don’t have to start a blog, but tell people you are afraid for your safety. Get escorted to your car after dark, don’t park in remote areas, down load my safety plan at the top of the blog and follow the instructions and tips for staying safe, it could save your life. Just because you have left does not mean you are safe. Be aware and be diligent. Be smart. it’s not being paranoid and anyone who thinks you are, send them to me and I will set them straight.

Announcing A New Blog

I have been busy trying to organize my life, blog, house………you name it. It has been 8 years since I left my ex and it seems my life has been in a constant state of limbo ever since. There has always been something to hold me back, I have kept saying, “As soon as this or that happens, THEN I will do…..whatever”. I have felt “at home” at times but then something would happen and I would have another set back and have to move. Where I am was supposed to be temporary but it’s been over a year and I am still here and I can’t foresee being able to afford anything else any time soon. It doesn’t feel like home but I have gone through my cupboards and closets and cleaned out stuff I don’t need or use and been cleaning; something I haven’t done unless absolutely necessary since I moved in.

I saw an ad on our local Bidding Wars from a young woman with two young boys who is starting all over and asking for household stuff for free. I have a microwave that was given to me that I don’t use and some other odds and sods I can give her. I know what it is like to start over from scratch and it motivated me to clean up.

I have also been consumed with the mass shooting in Florida.

Lately I find I have a strong opinion on a lot of things and hate to high-jack other people’s Facebook or blog with my opinion. My opinion is not always the most popular and were I not on the net and speaking in person I would have been stoned or worse by now. I don’t make knee jerk decisions any more and I really hate to look stupid! Not many things irritate me more than people who adamantly defend their opinion but are totally uneducated on the topic they are pretending to be an expert  on. Being socially responsible requires more than jumping on the most popular bandwagon, it takes research and excuse me; common sense and logic.

I also answer questions on Quora and always seem to get a fair amount of upvotes no matter what topic I am questioned on so I thought it would be fun to answer letters like Dear Abby used to. I used to love her newspaper column (or Ann Landers) and since they have been gone no one has taken their place. Until  now!!haha

I have very little left to say about narcissists, except I do have some interesting information to share in regards to them and mass shootings and will be sharing a link to this blog when I publish that post. For now here are a couple of links to my most recent posts in case you are interested.

https://reimer2017.wordpress.com/2018/02/28/nra-boycott-targeting-wrong-people/

https://reimer2017.wordpress.com/2018/03/01/is-the-nra-to-blame-for-mass-shootings

It takes a bit of time to set up a new blog and to write posts so now that my new blog is up and functioning I will be back here answering questions and commenting.

Thanks so much for your patience and understanding!!