Category Archives: Narcissism

A New Support Site Worth Checking Out

New support site

I have felt bad for a long time now about not being available to listen and help other survivors of narcissistic abuse. When I first started the blog 8 years ago I was monitoring it 24/7 and was able to be present and available almost any time someone needed to talk, cry, rage or just ask a simple question, or needed a complex answer to something.

It wasn’t always easy, times when I didn’t have a computer and did all my posts on my Blackberry, or couldn’t afford the internet, was living in my car, or my health was so bad I thought I was going to die; but I always found a way to get on the site and check on everyone.

In all honesty it was not as altruistic as it sounds, I needed the site as much as anyone and I also felt I was a few steps ahead of most everyone coming to the site and even if I didn’t have the answers to everything, and didn’t always know the right thing to do; I felt obligated to share my mistakes in hopes others didn’t make the same ones I did. I don’t know where I would have been without the support and encouragement I got from everyone here, not to mention the financial contributions I received, that quite literally kept me fed at times.

I still get the odd donation and it always brings tears to my eyes. As much as the money always helps, it is the fact that someone cares or is grateful or helped by my ramblings that fills my heart. This blog was my rebirth, through it I found the courage to speak honestly because I was never criticized for it, in fact I was praised for my openness and saying it like it is.

I would still like to write a book some day, I have it started……..I just have to find the time to getter done.

But, the last year I have found life getting in the way of the things I want to do, or maybe I have come to the stark reality that I am not getting any younger, 61 yrs old; and I have nothing! If I don’t somehow find a way to provide some security for my future I am in big trouble. I was told 2 years ago that without a heart transplant I wouldn’t live 6 months, so now I am concerned I might live and not be able to survive.

Plus life just keeps kicking me, or the narcs in the world and on Friday I go to court to fight some psycho who wants my dog killed because he says she is vicious. She has never bitten anyone in her life, but they decided to deem her vicious and now she is supposed to be muzzled at all times and kenneled or chained, I refuse to do it because she didn’t do anything; so I am going to court. I don’t know why the guy is lying through his teeth and is focused on killing MY dog, but then, narcissists don’t make sense. They want to destroy things and if you happen to be in their line of vision at the time it strikes them, they will take you down just for the sport of it, to show you they are all powerful. It doesn’t help that he works for the district and of course would have connections and loyalty from any department of the district.

Anyway, I didn’t start this post as a rant about my personal problems; I just wanted to say that I will always leave the site up and pay my $24/ year to keep it active. At one point I had over 3000 followers and was getting thousands of hits a day, it’s down to a few hundred hits a day now, but, when I started I thought if I helped even one woman avoid what I went through, I would be happy and it would have all been worthwhile. Well, it far exceeded my wildest dreams and for that I am extremely grateful. I will still pop in like I have been but I got an invite to “Empaths and Survivors”, took a look and I think it could be a really good support system for victims of abuse. So Check it out and tell Karen I sent you. 🙂

 

Advertisements

The Happy Narcissist

https://www.bbc.com/news/education-50184281

The above article was shared with me by a good friend, Peter, who I originally met through the blog almost 8 years ago.

It’s serendipitous that he should send it at this time in my life as I am in another period of struggling to keep my head above water.

We are only a few days away from the 9 year anniversary of me leaving my ex. Up until a few days ago I was feeling very positive about my life and how far I have come in those 9 years, against some pretty formidable odds.

When I first met Peter I was living in a small holiday trailer lent to me by a so called friend who felt the favor should be paid back with sex whenever he wanted. The trailer was cold, tiny, and felt nothing like “home”. I was miserable, sick, and probably at my lowest point ever.

In the past 8 years I have bought and lost a cabin on a lake because I had another heart attack and my ex managed to get me fired, by making anonymous calls to my employer telling him lies, anonymous complaint calls to the strata counsel and tampering with my work truck.

I lost my furniture due to mice where I had it stored. I moved onto my brother’s boat which I fixed up and he sold. Then I moved to live with my son and 4 other people in a hellhole small town, who after 6 months got a job in another province and I ended up living in my car.

I buried my two dogs within months of each other.

I tried to get funding to re-educate and was denied 3 times. I fought for disability benefits for 3 years with my ex calling welfare making false allegations against me and getting me cut off of the $600/month I was getting to live on.

For 5 years my ex was in the back ground stirring up trouble, calling landlords, the police, hacking my laptop, spying on me with a drone, slashing my tires, anything he could think of to make my life hell, while he lived off of the avails of his new woman, bought a home with her money, paid off his debt with her money and started his own business with her money. In fact it wasn’t even money she herself earned, it was money from life insurance she received when her husband died. Her husband had ensured she would never have to struggle or work after he died. He must have been rolling over in his grave watching how his money was spent.

Anyway, back to the article and my friend’s impeccable timing.

Nine years after leaving my ex, with 3 heart attacks under my belt, years of struggling find the right doctors and meds, having a defibrillator implanted and having it save my life several times. Feeling like I was dying, being told I could drop dead any minute, wanting to die and feeling the defibrillator saving my life was a cruel joke.

Living in my car on a couple occassions for a month or two, sleeping in my mother’s carport and then her floor, living in the basement of a friend’s with no kitchen or privacy. Never, since I lost my house at the lake, did I feel “at home”. Every time I had to “go home” I would walk through the door and a little piece of my soul would die……… But.

I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel, not a huge bright light, but a small glimmer light, teasing me to keep going forward.

I got offered a part time job, gardening and cleaning at a golf course, working when I chose, when my health permitted. I finally got my disability benefits which doubled how much I get every month.

Then last year I managed to save enough to buy a water damaged 30′ rv trailer off of a bidding site for $1100. Over the course of the year I have put every spare dime into fixing it up. I gutted it, made my own couch, painted the whole thing, redid the bathroom, hand painted my own tiles for the back splash, hand sewed curtains.

Walking into my little trailer feeds my soul. It surrounds me, envelops me and loves me back, it says, “You can do this, you are a survivor.”

It isn’t much but it is mine and I didn’t realize exactly how much I need it until I was faced with the idea of giving it up. You see, try as I might I never did get all the leaks fixed, there are rotten boards in the ceiling and the roof is rotten at the back end. My son says a dump of snow could bring the roof crashing down.

I thought the easy solution was to build a roof over it. I got permission from the RV park manager to build a roof. My brother paid for supplies, my son came to build it. The neighbor complained and the owner of the park squashed my plans of a roof.

Long story short, my son knew of a 23′ trailer for sale, my brother bought it, even though I told them both I can’t live in that small a trailer. My son brought it to me yesterday and a piece of my soul broke at the thought of living in it. It’s a great little trailer, clean, but oh so tiny, no counter space, no closet space, and no chance of changing it without major renovations.

Moving into it would mean getting rid of the few things I have acquired, and yes I would be dry, safe and warm but my soul would die.

My son is mad at me, but I refuse to move into it. I will take my chances doing what I can to fix my roof and pray we don’t have too much snow this winter.

What does this have to do with the article?

A narcissist would not be going through this, he/she wouldn’t worry about their soul because they don’t have one. They live in a make believe world, it’s easy to be happy when you fabricate your whole life and never worry about hurting other people.

The narcissist has nothing he isn’t willing to give up if doing so will get him what he wants. Let me explain what I mean.

My ex and I lost so much, we lived in dumps, I would be distraught, worried, panicked and he seemed unfazed. His mother was amazed by his “adaptability”, his “resilience”.

He was in denial is what he was. I over heard him on the phone talking to someone describing where we were living. I thought to myself, are we even on the same planet? He was describing his great shop, the many project antique cars he was working on the beautiful home we lived in and the facts were, it was a rat infested, one room shack that didn’t have a bathroom or kitchen. The yard was over grown and had derelict cars every where.

It didn’t bother him and he didn’t strive for better because it didn’t matter as long as he could lie about it. The fantasy was as good as the truth as long as no one challenged his lies.

I used to think his guitars were important to him but he could pawn them, lose them, have them stolen and just move on. Eventually he’d find a way to buy more. He had vehicles I thought he really loved, but if need be he could give them up in a heart beat for money or to attain a goal. For instance; he had a really nice 1970 something or other. He sold it to replace the tranny in my truck (which he burned out to begin with). Then he tampered with my truck and wrecked the new tranny. I told his stepdad and he said, “That doesn’t even make sense. He wouldn’t do that, he’s invested so much into fixing your truck, why on earth would he purposely wreck it?

Because he didn’t like me having a nicer truck, doing better at the job he hadn’t done well at and systematically sabotaged my truck until I was out of money and couldn’t afford to fix it. I had managed to last a lot longer than he had anticipated. But in the end, when he revealed his hand, I thwarted his plan and he never got my truck.

It was in the repair shop with tow charges owing, he told me he had a buddy who would take it off my hands for the amount owing. Something like $900. I knew there was no “buddy” he had planned all along to get my $10,000 truck for nothing. I told him I would give the truck away to a stranger before any “buddy” got his hands on it and he could tell his “buddy” to go fuck himself.

Within a year he had an old Chevy pickup truck he was fixing up. The new woman no doubt financed that for him.

The narcissist will play the role of victim and cry for all he’s had taken from him if it will garner him sympathy or guilt someone into giving him something. But the tears are an act. Watch closely, he’ll have his face in his hands crying real tears but peaking through his fingers to see if everyone is falling for it.

The biggest mistake everyone makes when dealing with a narcissist is to assume they have feelings like a normal person. You would be much more accurate to think of them as a robot, programed to function in every day society. But robots have their limitations.

Lies, All Around Us

Last time I posted I talked about how the narcissist will use any means he can to manipulate his victim. Like using a popular love song to express his (nonexistent) feelings.

Because he doesn’t have feelings of love he will insinuate a certain song’s lyrics fit how he’s feeling.

A narcissist is so lacking in the ability to feel anything he relies on the entertainment industry a lot in his life just to get by. If you think about various times during your relationship with the N, didn’t you feel a sense of deja vu, that his reaction or actions were familiar and ingeniune. For example: perhaps he was crying over something that even you, the one he calls too sensitive; didn’t find that sad. Or his lines seemed rehearsed and stiff when he was expressing his undying love. His lips are moving, the words are coming out but it’s like some ventriloquist has their hand up his ass making him more. Something is wrong but you just can’t put your finger on what it is.

When things don’t add up, we tend to fill in the blanks so it makes sense to us, we tell ourselves, “He’s so overcome with emotion he is uncomfortable expressing his feelings”, “he’s been hurt so badly in the past, he’s afraid of getting hurt again”, “He’s trying to be romantic, don’t analyze everything”.

Early in my relationship with my ex I arrived at his place for a date and he put a CD in and played a certain song saying it expressed exactly what he was feeling. He put this Vince Gill song on, pulled me close and started to slow dance with me. He held me tight and rested his face against mine, I could feel his tears dropping on my cheek. At the end of the song he whispered, “I love you” and wouldn’t let me go or look at him.

I thought, “He’s embarrassed to let me see him cry.” But probably he had on onion in his hand that he used to make himself tear up.😂

In the beginning he cried a lot! I actually got sick of it, I mean I like when I guy can express his feelings but when he cries more than I do I find it annoying.

I hadn’t said “I love you” back to him but his tears made me feel I should say something; later that day I said it and it kinda laid flat, with no reaction from him at all. But the next time he said it, he cried again.