Category Archives: Narcissism

Who Does Something Like That? Why?

Victims hear it from everyone they tell. They start to not tell people what goes on behind closed doors or what they suspect the narcissist is up to; because people don’t believe them; they can’t believe it themselves and think people will think they are lying. Because who does that!?

Why be in a relationship if you don’t love the person? Why lie about stupid things he doesn’t have to lie about. Why doesn’t he understand that you love him unconditionally? Why can’t you ever make him happy? Why when you do exactly what he tells you to do, he denies even saying it?

If he wants to break up and doesn’t love you, why does he keep coming back and accuse YOU of not loving him enough?

Why can’t you discuss anything without it ending in a huge fight?

I remember one time his sister was staying with us and we needed propane to cook with. He was in the barn so I text messaged him, “We are out of propane, I have money to get some.”

He messaged back, “I could go get the propane”.

I said, “Great! I’ll bring you the money. If you go for propane, I can get supper started while you’re gone “

I took him the money and went in the start supper. The gas station was a 15 minute round trip. After almost an hour I messaged, “Are you going to be much longer?”

His reply, “Nope”.

Another 15 minutes goes by and his sister says, message him again, what’s taking him so long?”

I wait a few more minutes and text, “Are you almost home?”

His reply, “I’m in the barn.”

Me, “You’re in the barn? Why didn’t say you were back?”

Him, “Back? From where”.

Me, “From getting propane.”

Him,” I didn’t say I was going to buy propane “

Me, “Yes you did, I brought you the money, you said you’d go for propane.”

Him, “I said I could go for propane, I didn’t say I WOULD go for propane.”

I told his sister what he had said and her mouth dropped open, “Who the fuck does that??!”

A narcissist does that, that’s who. Why? Because they are a narcissist and they love to mess with your head, upset you, ruin your plans, cause conflict, flex their power, get one up on someone. Life is a game, a game he invented, he writes the rules, and changes them at will, and he must win no matter what.

The Overwhelming Panic Of Rejection

I had never experienced it until I fell in love with my ex; overwhelming panic at the thought of losing him.

I had breakups in the past and been terribly sad and crying, but for some reason I absolutely panicked when he rejected me. We would have an argument over something insignificant that he would be relentlessly badgering me about; some accusation of wrong doing on my part, then he wouldn’t allow me to defend myself and walk away.

He twisted my words and refused to listen when I spoke from the heart.

I hadn’t always been able to speak my feelings and make myself understood. But I had taken college courses on communicating effectively because it was important to me that I could express myself clearly, without shame or anger.

I had been painfully shy and highly sensitive as a child and because I didn’t know how to express myself, I had cried alot. Crying had angered my father and I had been told, “You want something to cry about? I’ll give you something to cry about!” Or, “get out of my face if you’re going to cry!” I used to get headaches alot, had an ulcer at 10 yrs old and by the time I was 17, I had an eating disorder that I struggled with all through my 20’s.

I had been to counseling after my first marriage failed because I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes. I knew I hadn’t been perfect, I wanted to understand myself better in order to be better.

By the time I met the narcissist, I was in my mid 40’s and felt, for the first time in my life; I was truly ready for a healthy love relationship. And the narc seemed to see and appreciate that fact about me. He used to say I was the first woman he had ever dated who was calm and rational. We could discuss anything. I understood him. He was 10 years younger than me and I felt he was rather naive. He was so enamoured with me, I feared I might hurt him and I told myself I had to be careful to not lead him on and not to hurt him. I was a very independent, self sufficient woman who was turned off by love sick puppies.

He wanted to see me all the time. He introduced me to all his friends, took me to meet his family, insisted I talk to his mother on the phone. He told me to answer his phone, gave me a house key, he arrived when he said he would and called if he was late. I had never met a man like him. When I got that uncomfortable feeling in my gut I told myself, it was because I wasn’t used to being treated so well. I thought I would be crazy to walk away from someone who loved me that much. I fought the urge to dump him.

Rejection doesn’t feel good, no matter who is rejecting you. You may not even like the person that much but the minute they reject you, you wonder, “Why would they reject me? What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong?”

Fear of rejection is normal but it can become immobilizing and all consuming when you rely on others to give you your self-worth. At times when you are consumed with the fear of rejection you need to step back and not act on your fears. When you feel that fear growing in your belly, that irrational need for their approval envelops you, instead of giving into it and panicking; take a walk, and give yourself time to think clearly and self counsel.

Some things to think about;

Is this rejection or does the person just need some alone time?

Are they going through something?

It’s not all about you. Are you being self centered?

Did you do anything that would have hurt the person? If you did, do you owe them an apology? Then, apologize.

If you don’t feel you did anything wrong, they are obviously angry with you, and you have tried to explain your position, yet they are still rejecting you. Respect their wishes and give them space. Some times a person needs time to process information and accept that they were wrong. You are not going to “fix” anything by forcing the other person to discuss the issue. You may be thinking, “but I can’t let it go until it’s resolved.” My answer to that is, “Yes you can. You have to practice self control, divert your mind, do something else. You are in control of your reactions, in fact; it’s the only thing you CAN control. You certainly can’t control another person.

What is the worst thing that can happen? They end the friendship and never tell you why. Right? So what? If that happens, the world will continue to spin, you will continue to live, nothing will change, you won’t be less valuable, YOU won’t be any different than you were yesterday. You might feel a little lonelier, but hopefully you have other friends, if not you can make more friends.

All we can do is be the best person we can be, not every one is going to like us, we have to accept we aren’t perfect, neither are our friends. But, if you are your authentic self, you will attract people into your life who genuinely like you for you.

I ran into an old friend the other day and they said, “I love running into you. You always seem so happy to see me, like running into me, made your day.”

I said, “Because I genuinely am happy to see you. Running into you always makes my day”. It was a “feel good” moment that kinda says it all. My world wouldn’t change if this person wasn’t in my life, I don’t see them very often, but I like them, I am happy they are my friend, I value them, I show them I value them, but my self worth is in no way connected to whether they like me or not.

Breaking Up Can Be Like A Bad Hangover

Those of you who have ever done alot of partying will be able to relate to waking up in the morning with a hangover. You aren’t sure what you did, you thought you were having fun at the time but you wake up full of regret, self doubt, and generally feeling physically ill, shame filled and drained.

To make yourself feel better you eat a big greasy breakfast, maybe you call friends for reassurance, and you curl up on the couch and watch cartoons. Another “cure” for a hangover is to have the “hair of the dog” or have another drink. Having another drink WILL make you feel better, for awhile, but eventually, you are going to have to sober up and deal with the hang over. If you don’t sober up, you are setting yourself on a destructive path that will only get worse.

A smart person, goes out for a walk, gets some fresh air and exercise, eats healthy food, and surrounds themselves with healthy people.

When you break up with a narcissist you need to do things that are good for you. To call him, see him, have any contact whatsoever, is like having the hair of the dog; you’ll feel better for awhile but eventually you are going to have to go through the pain, you are just reopening the wound over and over again.

An alcoholic gravitates to other drinkers and feels uncomfortable with nondrinkers. When you are involved with a toxic person you gravitate to other toxic people and victims of toxic people because you feel too uncomfortable in the company of healthy people.

Your mind, values, morals, and boundaries have become blurred and you have to keep reminding yourself that right now you need to heal your heart, mind and soul before you make any decisions.

To start dating again right away is not going to help you heal, it’s like a drinker who quits drinking beer and only drinks wine. You’re just switching crutches and not fixing the problem. It will be a problem down the road.

You have a choice to make once you make the decision to leave and that is; how do you want to go forward? Do you want to heal and find happiness or are you wanting to continue with these type of relationships, from toxic man to toxic man? If you don’t take the time to grow and get better you take a very big chance you will meet someone the same or worse.

The damage compiles, it doesn’t go away, you end up taking the baggage from one toxic relationship into the next relationship. If the next relationship isn’t toxic, your baggage just may turn it toxic for you and the other person.

Healing takes time. Make 2021 your year to heal and get healthy. With Covid restrictions it’s not the time to be meeting too many people but it’s the perfect time to work on becoming a better you.