Category Archives: Narcissistic Supply

To A Narcissist-Image Is All That Matters

Narcissist don’t care whether the praise and admiration is real; as long as it is loud and often.
He doesn’t care if his lies are believed as long as no one questions him on them.
It is all about the show, how things look, not about reality or consequences. It is about immediate gratification. True wealth, as in money in the bank means nothing, a million in the bank or a million in debt makes no difference as long as they can create the image of wealth. Again a lie is as good as the truth because all that matters is how things look.
I used to listen to my ex on the phone telling his family about the house we lived in and lifestyle we had and I would think, “Are we living in the same house?” It was a rat infested dump but they didn’t know that and all that mattered to him was what they thought.
When he got with his new woman, a widow with money; he came to me saying he was retired and wanted to help me be successful like him. He was the kind of person who wanted to help his peeps. (Yes he said peeps!)I said, “Peeps?” He said, “Yeah, the people important to me, you are one of my peeps, what kind of person would I be if I didnt help people be successful like me?”
I said, “The only thing you are successful at is sucking in a widow with money, I wouldn’t go bragging about it and I’m sure she would have something to say about you helping your peeps.”
Most men would be ashamed to admit they were living off a widow but he brags about the lifestyle she affords him. He actually thinks I will feel bad because she was able to pay for the lifestyle he wanted.
It is amazing how out of touch with reality they really are.

When The Victim Of A Narcissist Is Strong

Carrie Reimer
Carrie Reimer, 10 year common law relationship with a narc/psychopath

There is a common falacy that narcissists are attracted to “co-dependent” weak woman. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Narcissists are not attracted to any “type”. They assess everyone, male or female; for what they can offer the narcissist. It could be as simple as a quick hookup if the narcissist is bored or it could be a family if that is what he needs to get ahead in business.

But!, it is especially delicious narcissistic supply if the narc can hook an intelligent, self sufficient, independent woman. If she is also beautiful!? OMG! Do you have any idea how much of an ego boost it is for him to destroy a woman like that? ?

First of all, to hook her. Everyone will assume he must be a great guy, something really special to get a woman like her!! A woman who attracts the attention of men where ever she goes. A woman who chooses men carefully and doesnt need a man. At first he will be telling everyone how special she is and how lucky he is to have found her. In the beginning he is getting all the supply he needs just through his association with a high quality woman. He will exaggerate her talents and achievements and will tell her constantly how special she is. He has never met a woman as together as her. She might even feel a bit uneasy with his apparent idolization of her. Yeah, she’s good but come on, she’s only human.

But it feels good to be thought so highly of especially compared to every other woman he has ever met. And he treats her so well. She makes a conscious decision to let her guard down, let a man “do for her” for a change.

And he closes the web around her tighter and tighter and before she knows it she is in too deep to easily escape. And then the slow devaluation begins, the constant whittling away at her self confidence , the gas lighting, twisting facts, questioning her sanity, her capability to function when she has always been verociously independent.

I was in my early 40′s when I met the narcissist. I had always been a strong woman with strong opinions, high morals, firm boundaries. I had been told by men I was intimidating, too independent, that they felt I didn’t need them.

I didn’t need them. But it does get tiring always packing the load. And here I had this man who loved me exactly the way I was, who I had a connection like I had never had before, my soul mate. I wasn’t going to lose this man. I had earned this wonderful love. I trusted his love and him explicitly. I allowed myself to be “weak” handed over my power, little by little. He seemed to want to take care of me, I thought he would appreciate me trusting him but he was disgusted with it.

The more I forgave the more disgusted he got and the more he hurt me. Every time I forgave him and took him back he thought, “you stupid bitch. You deserve to be hurt for being so gullible and stupid.”

The only time he was loving was when I got strong and threatened to leave. He would beg me for another chance, admit to everything he had done wrong, promise the world. Once he had me again the abuse would be worse.

The thing with strong women is they tend to hang in longer. They have always been capable of recouping, making things happen, fixing things, they aren’t quiters. They will keep rising to the challenge and he will keep knocking her down.

By the time he dumps her she is a shell of the woman she was. No one recognizes her any more, she is ashamed and everyone she knows is ashamed of her and confused. How could she let a man do this to her?

She is acting co-dependent, needy, weak.

He walks away with a sneer and sick grin. “Look at you! What man would want a whiny, demanding, clingy, paranoid bitch like you??”

The Narcissist and Addiction

signs-of-cheating-husband

I had a question on the 3 Phases of a Relationship with a Narcissist post asking if narcissists are known to have addiction issues, the person said their partner is an alcoholic and sex addict.

Almost all narcissists have an addiction of some sort and sex is the most common.

Why?

There are several reasons.

1.  Narcissists hate rules. Telling a narcissist not to do something is almost certain to guarantee he will go straight out and do exactly what he has been told not to do. Narcissists are known for breaking rules, societal and marital, cheat on tests, etc and often times operate on the fringes of the law. As children, they are the child that is always disobeying the simplest of family rules. As teens, they are often times in trouble with the police, don’t abide by curfews, disruptive at school, they are always pushing the envelop.

2. Often times they are adrenalin junkies and from an early age will engage in dangerous activities such as speeding, have a fascination with fire, hurt their siblings or family pets, it seems everything is done to the extreme. * Warning narcissists seem to think they are invincible, superior to mere humans and seldom practice safe sex, so if you are with a narcissist please get tested for STD’s. Many women have come in here with some sexually transmitted disease.

3. They have no boundaries, they don’t respect the boundaries of others and have none of their own. The only time they respect boundaries is if it is in their best interest, I remember telling my mother in law that the neighbours were upset because my ex would stay up all night working in his shop keeping everyone awake. Her reply was, “They are just going to have to accept that’s just the way he is.” I said, “When does he have to accept that people DON’T have to accept him just the way he is?”

4. Narcissist’s brains are wired differently than a normal person’s brain; not only are they unable to feel empathy or guilt, all their feelings are numbed. They are on a constant quest to feel.

5. They need instant gratification, combine their “what ever feels good, do it” attitude with a lack of conscience or guilt and the world is their oyster (or so they think), being faithful to one person is not very likely, if not totally impossible.

6. Narcissists are pathological liars, they lie even when they don’t have to just because they love pulling the wool over someone’s eyes. It’s fun, a game of strategy, and the victim hasn’t a clue they are playing a dangerous game with a mad man.

7. Contrary to how it may look, a narcissist actually hates intimacy. Many victims of a narcissist will tell you that in the beginning the narc was insatiable sexually and was the most attentive lover they have ever had but with time the love making became robotic, lacking any attention to the victims pleasure. If you are with him long enough eventually the sex is practically non-existent unless he is trying to win the partner back.

He is on a high in the beginning, like a drug he is getting off on winning you over, it reaffirms to him that he is irresistible, sexy, and “all that”. He knows he is lying and the simple fact that you don’t, is enough to keep him on his NS high. BUT once he has you the thrill is gone. He has the woman, now what? Because his feelings are so under developed, once the thrill of winning over the target ends, he feels dead inside.

In an ideal romantic relationship the initial infatuation ends and the couple transitions into a more relaxed, realistic  and comfortable relationship. This is when true love grows,  but like a switch going off he is acting like he brought you home from the bar for a one night stand and you are too stupid to know it’s time to go home. It was a horribly confusing time, how had I misread the cues so badly? He asked me to move in, didn’t he? All of a sudden he doesn’t want to do anything together and spends all his time on the internet or at work or his shop. He never wants to talk about anything and if you do talk it ends up in a fight. What happened?

8. Because he is unable to truly love he has no idea how to keep love alive. He is a lie, his whole life is a lie, when it comes to living together day to day he has nothing to give and that is when the discard usually starts. Getting married, moving in together, having a baby, whatever signifies to the narcissist that the target is fully committed. The thrill was sucking the victim in, so the narcissist must create chaos, drama, trauma and suspicion in order to keep the victim on tender hooks.

My ex used to spend hours staring into a fire or working in his shop, anything but spend time with me, he didn’t even come to bed. I used to ask him what he was thinking about and he would say, “Nothing”, of course I didn’t believe him, but now I really think he was thinking about nothing. You see, in order to get by in the world the narcissist has memorized appropriate responses to certain events, he has practiced and perfected certain emotions and he has learned how to mimic someone in love but he has no idea how to grow love, reciprocate healthy love. He only knows the script he has learned, and that is; how to suck a victim in. He watches love movies and gives women their Hollywood romance, but love movies always end with the happy couple going off into the sunset, very seldom do we see the mundane day to day life they live as a married couple. If there is anything a narcissist hates it is being bored.

It may start slow, with personal ads, where he hooks a lot of women, lies about his situation and is satisfied with just leading on a bunch of women he has no intention of meeting. For awhile that will give him the adrenalin rush he needs but like a junkie he builds a tolerance for the high and the victim becomes complacent, so he has to up his game, eventually he WILL cheat and often times have several women going at the same time.

Let me ask you something.

Did you ever find yourself thinking the N in your life was pretty careless, leaving some evidence of his infidelity out where you could find it, forgetting to sign out of his dating app, or dropping a letter to another woman, …… Of course he denied it adamantly and somehow turned the tables on you, accused you of spying on him, being paranoid or whatever.

9. They love the game of cat and mouse, they want to get caught, your pain is proof of his control over you. If I didn’t pick up on his cheating right away he would leave some evidence out for me to “find”.  If you dump him and he convinces you to go back to him, again; it is a source of narcissistic supply for him. He has you right where he wants you, no matter what he does, you will take him back. In his mind you deserve to be hurt for being so gullible to believe his lies.  Once he has you again the honeymoon is shorter and the abuse is worse. As my ex told me, “Whenever you took me back I thought to myself, “Well, I got away with that, what else can I get away with?” “It’s kinda your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back.”

Why get married then? For one thing it is a lot of work keeping that mask on plus he can not handle rejection and needs a constant source of narcissistic supply. That is what the wife is for, she is to be sitting at home waiting for him while he is off getting his strokes from other women. He rarely has only one woman in his life, he loves the drama of triangulation, like I said he lives for drama and conflict.

He also finds it most rewarding to steal some other man’s wife, if he can break up a marriage it is proof of his superiority. The narcissist wants every woman, and man for that matter to want him, he will woo the wife and destroy the marriage of his best friend just to say he can and then blame the woman and probably convince his buddy that he was the victim. My ex was having an affair with the older married neighbor lady in small town Saskatchewan when he was 12 yrs old. He has had 4 affairs with married women that I know of and broke up several dating type relationships.

Is it an addiction? more a compulsion or insatiable need, addiction carries the connotation that it can be overcome or fixed, a narcissist can not ever be fixed.