Category Archives: Narcissistic Supply

Dealing With A Narcissist Is Not Child’s Play

Many people compare dealing with a narcissist to dealing with a 3 year old and in many ways that is a totally accurate description.

toddlers rulesLike a 3 year old the narcissist will stomp his feet and yell that he hates you for not giving him his way and an hour or so later he is back like nothing happened. He will kick and scream to get what he wants only to not want it once he gets it. Or he will totally ignore a toy and toss it off to the side until someone else shows an interest in it and it immediately becomes his favorite toy or like a 3 year old he wants what everyone else has and will steal it if he has to and then act like he doesn’t understand why he is in trouble.

I found the 3’s to be way worse than the two’s! Give me a 2 year old anyday!!

The problem with a narcissist is; he is a three year old in an adult body and he will never turn 4. You are dealing with a full grown 200 lb adult with a 3 year old mentality, social skills of a child and the temper of a misbehaving toddler yet the strength of a full grown man. It’s hard enough to control a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum but when it is a full grown man, you could wind up dead. And most victims end up explaining over and over again why something the narcissist does is hurtful and expecting he will eventually understand and stop. Even a 3 year old will learn something if they are told enough times. The victim keeps thinking, “If I could only find a way of explaining it in a way he would understand, he would stop hurting me.” A person gets hooked on the notion that eventually he is going to “get” it and they want to be with him when he does, they certainly don’t want some other woman to reap the benefits of their hard work and pain.

tantrum

Living with a narcissist is much like playing a virtual reality game where you have to find clues and solve the puzzle, every time you do, you go up another level. Only with a narcissist even if you do solve the puzzle you end up going down a level every time until you are in a hole so deep you can’t see your way out. But like any game they can be addicting, like a gambler can’t walk away from the one arm bandit, or the teenager says, “Just let me do this one more level and I promise I will clean my room.” The victim of a narcissist keeps thinking either; if I can prove he is cheating on me, then I will leave. But they get the evidence and the narcissist denies it, they have the proof they wanted yet they still do’t leave because they want the narcissist to admit it and he never will. The narcissist professes his innocence with such conviction the victim doubts their own eyes and ears.

Even after leaving the narcissist victims will stay in touch because they are hooked on solving the puzzle, figuring out what he is doing now and with who. I know of one woman who knows what her husband is, knows he is cheating and yet she doesn’t leave and actually seems to enjoy the game of “catch me if you can”. I have explained to her she is feeding right into his plan and giving him supply so he can keep being his sweet self to the new woman and she keeps proving to him how much she still cares. She thinks she is catching him and being so tricky and smart when he is just playing her like a fiddle. One of my ex’s, ex’s was hooked on catching him 15 years after they split and he loved the attention. Her bizarre behavior validated his story that she was nuts and he fed her just enough information to keep her hooked. She called me and said, “He thinks I am so stupid, that I don’t know what he does but I always figured him out.” and I thought “you poor soul, you have spent 10 years with him, another 15 years catching him at whatever and wasted your life. It hadn’t slowed him down, it actually fed his ego but she had obsessed about him almost 1/2 her life and died a lonely alcoholic and when he told me she had died, he laughed. I vowed to never be like her. It was hard to break the addiction to figuring him out, I was solving puzzles to do with him for a good year after we split. Where did it get me, it gave me blog post material, but it didn’t change anything, and many times when I did solve the puzzle it was far more hurtful than I ever imagined.

The narcissist loves the game of clue, you may think he is lazy or careless to leave something out that makes you suspicious but you can bet he is leaving clues for you to find to create drama and to hurt you. He loves your pain, he loves rubbing your nose in his affairs, he especially loves two women fighting over him.

The victim can think of a million reason why they have to stay in contact with the N, all of them valid in their minds; (I know, I did it too) but if you are really honest with yourself deep down at the root of it is, even though you don’t want to take him back and know he is a narcissist you are not ready to give up one or all of these things;

  1. Solving the puzzle
  2. you don’t want another woman to reap the rewards of your efforts
  3. as long as he is in your life in some form or another, he is still in your life and you are comfortable in the position of victim
  4. you are not prepared to face reality and are clinging to the fantasy of who you thought he was or in other words Cognitive Dissonance

disonence

Below are some related older posts you might find helpful.

As hard as it is; there is only one option, only one way to ever find happiness and peace in your life, only one way to come back from the insanity and confusion you are feeling right now.

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/10/27/the-repercussions-of-playing-the-game-too-long/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/05/06/the-narcissist-game-its-your-move/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2015/09/23/finding-inner-peace-lessons-learned-from-humpty-dumpty/

I Give This Post From Chump Lady A Standing Ovation

I remember years ago lamenting in a post on here, “Why does he keep hurting me??!!!”

And someone said something that stung like the truth usually does when you are feeling sorry for yourself, “Because you keep letting him.”

On that note here is something from Chump Lady well worth sharing!!

I felt like standing, pumping my fist in the air and shouting “Yes!! Bravo!!”

Just Like A Cancer In Remission – You Never Know When It Could Come Back

No offense meant to anyone dealing with cancer, it was the only analogy that I could come up with to accurately describe what it is like waiting for the narcissist to rear his ugly head in your life again.

It has been 5 and 1/2 years since my ex and I split, he has been involved with another woman for 5 years and 5 months of that time. He got her to sell her house and he has gotten everything material that he ever wanted, trucks, heavy equipment, trips, mobile shop, you would think he would be so happy he wouldn’t have time or the desire to care what I am doing.

But almost like clockwork he pops into my life to stir up shit once a year. The last time he showed up to destroy my life I was on my brother’s boat, May 26th, 2015 to be exact.  I was being interviewed by Nice Guy Eddie on his talk radio show In My Humble Opinion. I was waiting for Eddie to Skype me at 5 pm to do the interview when I heard what sounded like a a remote control car or weed whacker outside. Like I said I was living on a boat so either one was not likely to be outside my window. I finally went to check because it had been out there a while and when I look out the window there was a drone so close I could have reached out and touched it. Long story short, Eddie couldn’t get through on Skype, nor Face Book, my laptop crashed, never to work again and Eddie and I did the interview over the phone.

A few days prior I had received a call from my ex’s step dad, who I had always stayed in contact with and trusted. I had told him where I was living, two days later I was taking Stella for a pee at 5 am when a semi that looked exactly like my ex’s old one came around the corner and stopped. I had told myself to not be paranoid, his truck got repossessed before we split. But in light of the drone and my laptop crashing I decided to check online to see what he had been up too lately. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that same semi in his Flikr album. He had acquired the same truck just a few years older. That same week I was cut off welfare. Then his son was in the area camping with his mom, step dad and siblings and called to see if I would meet them at their camp site. Of course I went in a heartbeat, I love his son and we had a special bond because my ex was so abusive. I met them and we had a great time, his mom and I hugged, his little sister ran and hugged me, we went to the wharf in White Rock and carved our names in the wood, I got to talk alone with Allan. The only thing Allan said was, the minute he saw me and gave me a hug and then he looked me right in the eye and asked, “How are you?” I said I was great and he sighed with relief and said, “That is all I needed to hear” and hugged me again. We didn’t talk about his dad at all except for him to thank me for standing up to his dad for him and getting him out of the house and home safe to his mom when his dad punched him for eating his double chocolate donut.

A few weeks later I notice on Allan’s mom’s Face Book she has posted pics of their trip. There is one of Yogi bear and a comment from my ex asking where’s BooBoo? Allan’s mom replied, “Who needs BooBoo, Carrie came for a visit and she is awesome!!”

His reply was, “She can be.”

I could tell he was not happy and he said something about if he had known they were coming he would have gone to see them. My ex lives about 8 hours away. She said the date they were there and that they had been there 3 days and had a great time! He said he had been in White Rock the same day I had been there. What a coincidence! haha I had gotten lost and had to do a couple of u turns, I probably lost him and didn’t even know he was following me. You know I had a gut feeling though that whole night.

I have moved so many times I can’t keep count and with this last move I made sure no one who knows him knew where I was. I didn’t post any pictures that had identifying landmarks on here or Face Book. I turned off my GPS on my phone, laptop and any posts I did. I have had one person from my past who knew me while I was with my ex call and ask where I was living now and I was evasive and she called a few times and dropped off.

So, my mom calls me yesterday, very upset; she got a phone call from the police looking for me. She didn’t give them any information, good! because it could have been anyone looking for information, it would not be the first time my ex pretended to be a cop over the phone. The Constable asked where I was living, how often did she see me and she finally asked him what this was about. He told her it had to do with my blog and I was “Inciting Violence” against someone and it was a very serious offense. He gave her his number and asked her to get me to call him.

When she told me I was not the least bit surprised, the one thing that struck me first was this, “If he is accusing me of inciting violence, what the hell does he have planned for me? because they always accuse the victim of the same things they themselves are doing.”

The next thing that struck me,

Why did they call my mother, they could have emailed me through my blog if that is what this is pertaining to and if I didn’t respond then call my mother.

I took the number from my mom and assured her it was not a big deal, she never reads my blog but went in and read it yesterday for herself. She said she saw nothing that would be considered inciting violence. I ask you all, have I ever incited violence ever on this blog? I am one of the least violent, nonjudgmental people I know. I have forbid people from using their ex’s real name and making threats to their safety or even slandering them.

I called the number immediately and surprise surprise, it was the Powell River Police Station. The cop wasn’t on duty so I left a message and not had a call back. I only know one person living in Powell River. I know of 6 times where my ex had someone impersonate a cop or he did it himself; in order to create trouble for me or to get information on my whereabouts in order to create trouble for me. He of course would know who my parents are and I am sure he thought that if a cop phoned the house looking for me she would panic and spill the information, but she is smarter than that thank God.

Not knowing where I am would piss him off to no end, because after all it is all about control. It is like when I started locking my truck and sleeping with the key; my truck battery started to hold a charge and it actually ran for a solid week; if he couldn’t get the hood up, he couldn’t sabotage the truck BUT it was then that he got angry and started to ramp things up and do things that endangered my life, like my tire blowing at 110 km an hour with 3 tons on the truck.

I don’t know what is going on, but one thing for sure I am not letting this slide, it is time he got a life and moved on. I know his relationship is on fragile ground, the engagement ring is off….. he is probably having to be on good behavior in order to get her sucked back in so I am the scapegoat, I will pay for anything that goes wrong in his life for the rest of my life. The one ex he counted on for his emergency supply died the same year him and I split so I guess I am the replacement. Great!!

Depending on what transpires I will be shutting down the blog. I will be closing all my email accounts, my paypal, and changing my phone number. I will be back, I have my other blog I am going to open up, I will not stop spreading the word, but if I am breaking the law I have to do it legally. I never intended to slander or get revenge on my ex, I want to warn other women about all narcissists so whether it is this blog or another one makes no difference to me. I just start building my readership again, I love a challenge, right?

I want a restraining order on him again and I will inform them he has a gun.

I will keep you all informed, for now the blog stays but if it disappears I am not gone for good, just for awhile and I will be back.

Hugs to you all!!