Category Archives: Narcissistic Supply

Just For Shits And Giggles

I have not been around much and I have missed you all!! No internet where I am at and I have to drive up the road to hook up to the campground WiFi. I have popped in occasionally but never get past reading a few comments.

I have to do an update post on what is going on, time has flown by and before I realized it a month has passed and it is almost time for me to move again!!

I wanted to do a short post though for the new people who have found the blog. I see a lot of people asking the age old questions; “Why does he hurt me?” “Doesn’t he care he is hurting me?” “Why does he keep coming back?”

The answer to all three is, “Just for shits and giggles.” it is what narcissists do for fun and to feel superior. They get off on your pain! they like it! they do it because it shows them that they are powerful enough to bring you to your knees with pain and make you crazy with their gas lighting, cheating and lying.

It is a game to them, they do not have a conscience, they do not care about hurting people other than the shot of ns they get from it. They think it is funny! Everyone thinks a narcissist needs someone to idolize them, that if they love the narcissist well enough they will be able to keep him satisfied, but that is not the reality of their world. Sure when he is love bombing a new victim he gets off on the fact that he is playing a role and sucking her in, he gets strokes from that but what he is more excited about is, he knows he is going to abuse her down the road and the anticipation of THAT is so exciting he could piddle like an excited puppy.

A narcissist hates being nice, he is not a “giver” he is a taker; he only gives for as long as he has to in order to hook the victim and then every once in a while to keep her hooked. There is no “good side” to a narcissist, he is toxic to the core, any emotion or caring you think you witness is an act.

You will never get him to admit he has a problem and PLEASE! the absolute worst thing you can do is tell him you think he is a narcissist!! He will use it against you and next thing you know he is accusing you of being a narcissist and telling everyone you know that you are a narcissist. He will not care that you think he is a narcissist, it will not make him go, “Oh my God, how horrible!! she thinks I am a narcissist.” and start soul searching, feeling guilty or try to change.

As hard as it is, you must face reality, I am giving you the information would have had years ago.

There is nothing you can do that will change the relationship or him

There is nothing you could have done differently, all women are interchangeable to a N.

He does not have the capability to feel love, compassion or guilt.

He gets off on your pain. Attention is attention for him. He doesn’t care if it is attention from love, fear, hatred, anger, or happiness; as long as he is getting attention and the longer you are with him the more pain he has to cause you in order to get a high from it. Whereas in the beginning you might have been hurt if he had a personal ad, after awhile that gets old for him so he has to ramp it up and go on a date, then he has to let you find him in bed with her, then he will leave you for her and then come back to you and leave you again. He will make you accept things you would never have accepted before, he will ignore every single boundary you have and push you to your absolute limits and beyond. It only ever gets worse because like a drug addict he has built up a tolerance to your pain and so have you. He HAS to inflict more and more to get his fix.

And the whole time he is feeding off of your emotions you are losing more and more of yourself, your self esteem, your confidence, your money, your support system and you are investing precious years you will never get back. Years you could have been loving the people who deserve your love and attention, people like your children, friends and family. You are wasting your health, because all this stress takes an enormous toll on your body.

Please, I beg you all to educate yourselves, read the posts here, it will give you something to do while you are trying to not pick up the phone and call him.

But there are posts on that too!

You are dancing with the devil!

You have been emotionally abused and you are not thinking clearly, you can retrain your brain, you can find the sun light again, that black cloud that hangs over you will go away when you cut the narcissist out of your life completely. You are addicted and you have to go cold turkey, the only closure you will get is to know he is a narcissist and you are lucky to have gotten away. Change your number, block him on all social media, do not take his calls don’t read his emails. Stop the abuse and take your life back.

I wish I could hold the hand of every single person who comes in here looking for answers. When I first started the blog I could invest the time into guiding people through it and I spent many hours encouraging and reinforcing. I simply can not do that any more, there are so many people coming here now, 2222 followers!! wow!! I remember when I was excited to have a person visit the blog one time and then I had a follower!! Almost 2 million hits!

Don’t just read the posts either, read the comments also; there is so much valuable information in the comments, people who have shared their story in hopes of helping someone else. Take advantage of the wealth of experience you have at your finger tips.

And then, once you truly know what you are dealing with you can truly get on with putting your life back together, learning who you are, knowing your worth, and loving yourself.

Wishing everyone sunshine and eternal internal peace!

Love to you all



The Psychopath’s Uncontrollable Need to Control

I received this message the other day.

“Hi, I’ve never commented but this blog has really helped me come to terms w my own abusive relationship. I’m still pretty traumatized and don’t really know how to help myself but I’m learning all I can about cluster b disorders…I frequent a site called psychopath free and I just read a new member story, a male named jimmyc1963, from about one week ago. Carrie, I’m almost positive it is your ex. There are so many details about you, your son, references to trucks and hauling scrap metal…plus he gives himself away by saying you’re the narc and have created a blog and have a lot of followers…it’s disturbing and I thought u should know. I’ve benefitted greatly from this blog and its infuriating to have your abuser paint himself as the victim. I’ve been there so many times…thank u for all the love and compassion u show 💜”

Of course I can’t possibly know what James is thinking, for one very obvious reason; he is crazy and I am not. But if I take all I have learned about psychopath’s and narcissist, I can come pretty close to where his head is at.

While with James he had managed to get me totally in his control. When he found his new supply I was a grovelling, begging, fool, pleading with him to not leave me and he thoroughly enjoyed telling me I was worthless, it was all my fault and I didn’t deserve to live because no man would ever want me. I am sure he thought I would either kill myself or curl up in a corner waiting and praying he graced me with his presence again.

He took his sweet time, a full year but he did pop back into my life, immediately after proposing to his new victim. With her secured he was free to come back to me and try to suck me back into his toxic web, he was ready to introduce triangulation into his new relationship. After all, he couldn’t let her get too comfortable now that they were engaged. He needed reassurance he was still her priority and what better way to do that than instill jealousy and insecurity. He could play me against her and her against me; Narcissist just love, love LOVE triangulation; nothing screams “YOU ARE THE MAN!!’ quite like two women vying for your attention and love.

He gave me the same speech as he had the last 3 times he begged his way back into my life (they are so oblivious to how a person’s emotions work and lazy, that they don’t even think about the fact that they are using the same script on the same person over and over again. If it worked once it will work again). I was dumb when he showed up, I listened to his spiel and it set me back in my recovery but I did not succumb to it this time. Thank the good Lord!!

He took all the blame, said I had done nothing wrong and it was him and he was so sorry. He loved me, didn’t I know that? Didn’t he tell me? (heard it all before). When I didn’t believe him he did a complete 180 and it was my own fault for him hurting me because I took him back and when that didn’t work he just started slandering me and trying to destroy my life.

Once a psychopath or narcissist has “owned a person; they expect that person to be waiting for the narc to need them again, the victim is not supposed to go on with their life.

The other thing I have done to piss James off is I have exposed him for what he is. I know what he is and he can no longer put doubt in my mind. In the past all he had to do was say he loved me and he didn’t do what I thought he did and I would back down, doubt myself, and he would be back in control. He can no longer do that and if there is anything a narc hates it is not being able to control the victim.

If there is one thing a narc hates, it is being exposed for what they are, after all their whole life is a very delicate, intricately woven web of deceit; someone going on the internet and telling the world what he is could destroy his web. He is too self absorbed to realize that no one would ever find my blog unless he told them about it. A normal person who was so happily involved with their soul mate would laugh at my blog and go on with their life, knowing it would never affect them and the worst thing they could do is to advertise it everyone they know. Just as I ignored his blog about me and I am ignoring his comments on Psychopath Free, a site, by the way; I consider to be one of the best blogs on psychopaths. The only thing I did do was to notify admin on the site of his username and that he is a psychopath and I am afraid some unsuspecting victim of a psychopath might fall in love with him.

(On a side note* I find it very interesting that people who don’t like what I have to say follow my blog. If you don’t like what I write, even if it is about you; especially if it is about you; STOP reading it!!)

So anyway, we have determined he is pissed off about losing control, being exposed, and not being able to pull the wool over my eyes any more, there is one thing left that would eat away at him like a cancer; I have over 2100 followers and close to 2 million hits. THAT would irk him to no end. How dare I get attention and a bit of notoriety that doesn’t benefit him. He has had blogs for 10 years and never got even one follower, he would HATE that I have some popularity and people believe me. In his mind it is the ultimate defiance on my part and it is glaring proof he did not do his job; he did not destroy me, I did not kill myself, I am not laying in a puddle waiting for him to give me some crumbs of my dignity back. He under estimated my back bone and strength and no narcissist wants to admit that.

The fact that I don’t give a shit about him over shadows every relationship he will ever be in; he can’t figure out why or how I managed to survive. He worked years trying to destroy me……. he won’t rest until he finishes the job he started. He can’t move on, it has been over 5 years and all he can see is; I am getting attention and he isn’t; he did his best and I am not destroyed. His last ex rank herself to death at least; I have a whole lot of nerve not playing by his rules.

Once they set their sites on a person, they become obsessed with winning that person over. I remember when James would meet a new friend, he would obsess with them, they became the expert on everything, he called them a couple of times a day. It was kinda creepy, like he was gay or something because he treated male friends much like he treated me when we started dating. All of a sudden the new friend took precedence over everything else. I always knew when he had a new woman in his sites because he couldn’t help but obsess about them, talk about them, stalk them on the internet, brag about them and leave pictures where I could find them.

When we got back together the last time he had several woman on the hook; (all the while promising me total fidelity) he would be with me and constantly on his phone. I found messenger conversations between him and some woman who had gone away with her girl friends for New Years Eve. It was so obvious by his messages that he was terribly jealous and concerned she might hook up with some guy while she was partying. He found his ex from 15 years prior and tried to pull her back into his web and I found the messages between them and it was the same thing; he was so concerned about what she was doing and yet he was with me and telling me I was all the woman he would ever need. When he was trucking he had at least 4 of us on the line. He would call each of us every night and he wrote in his blog that Marita was having a male friend stay over night and she had promised James she wouldn’t sleep with him and James was saying, “She had better not!” yet he was on his way to be with me.

It doesn’t make sense to a normal person, but to a narcissist it doesn’t have to make sense; they just have to be getting all the attention all the time; what is fair makes absolutely no difference to them.

So remember this when the narc comes crawling back in a year or 15 years; it has nothing to do with you, nothing!! except for the fact that he views you as a possession that he can lay claim to any old time he wants. It has nothing to do with him loving you, needing your special supply, realizing how good he had it, or even that things have gone sour with the new supply. It only has to do with his uncontrollable need to control.


I Think I Am Almost Ready To Leave Him

changeAnother comment from someone on my most recent post about leaving a narcissist after 19 years.

“Iv been with my N for two and a half years. Not all of it was bad. There’s is alot of good in him but a lot bad too. He moved in with me 6 months after we got together. We didn’t discus it. He just moved himself in. I own my home so how would I get him to leave without making a huge deal about it? My close friend dates the chief of police in our town and he knows what’s going on just in case it comes to that point. The problem I’m having is he does come home to me every nite, always calls when he’s done with work and on his way home. He doesn’t really have any friends but isolated me from mine. I can’t talk on the phone with my friends when he’s around cuz it’s taking attention away from him. He always Carrys his phone around with him, won’t leave it out of his site. He will fall asleep with his phone on arm rest of couch 2 inches from his eye. And the phone is upside down with his iPad on top of it most of the time. Sex seems like a chore with him he never wants to get close (romantic, emotional) always talks piggish and makes me dress sluty and do sluty things and degrades me. I think the man has issues. I think he stalks girls and hides their numbers in work papers in his truck and has bikini pics of them on his phone. I’m scared to call him out on his bullshit cuz he gets very verbally abusive and will punch my coffee table or whatever is in front of him. He’s never laid a hand on me but has verbally threatened to smack the shit out of me numerous times. I think I’m getting close to ending it. For some reason I have to solve my game of clue. It’s locked in my head that if I get a chance to go through his phone I’ll have ALL my answered questions and I can walk away knowing that I made him look like the asshole he really deep down is. But his charm and his manipulating ways always catch me. How do I break the spell? I have 4 journals and stopped writing awhile ago. Maybe I should start again. All my coworkers and friends and family know all about the real him and they just want me to get rid of his ass and find someone that respects me and deserves me. Easier said than done. I am very loyal to him mentally and physically. He is not mentally loyal to me that’s for sure. Idk if he’s ever physically cheated on me but knowing he has mentally makes me think I’m not worth it. I can make it on my own. My kids are all grown up. He wants kids and to marry me, I absolutely would give him those things if he was normal. He’s 8 years younger than me. Maybe I should let him go so he can find the stripper kind of girl that he seems so intrigued by. Idk. Any suggestions on my situation?”

narcissistic traits

My reply.


I always say I stayed 9 1/2 years too long in a 10 year long relationship. It is amazing how quickly the years slip by and before you know it you have so much time invested you think that you can’t leave now!! It is human nature to cling harder to things we are invested in, the narcissist knows that, we don’t. We think eventually we will get sick of it and have enough abuse to walk away, but it doesn’t work that way.  We keep thinking, “If I ever catch him actually cheating I will leave.” But we find a woman’s phone number on his phone and he adamantly denies anything is going on. He is indignant that we could think that of him, he comes home to us every night doesn’t he?

We find personal ads on the net, we are furious until he acts like we are the crazy one for getting upset, he would never actually DO anything about it. I photocopied all the correspondence between him and 8 women he was chatting to along his route when he was trucking, he still denied it and somehow in the course of the argument I ended up apologizing and begging him to try again.

Things get crazier and crazier and the abuse gets more blatant and severe, verbal abuse becomes shoves, then he is throwing you across the room or choking you, next the punch to the head and it is a relief because it beats the verbal abuse and silent treatment.

The longer you stay the more you put up with and the more self respect you lose, the more friends lose respect for you and drop off, the more control he gains over you, and the deeper you go down the rabbit hole until you can’t see anyway out.

Believe me, I have been there, always thinking “I will leave as soon as I have “proof” but you will never get him to admit the truth and he will deny the most incriminating evidence so well you will doubt your own eyes and ears. The game of Clue gets addicting but you know what? when you figure it all out (and you never do figure it all out because it doesn’t make sense so even when you have all the evidence you are not satisfied because you want things to make sense. The narcissist does not make sense because they do not feel like the rest of us, we can’t think like them, because of one HUGE difference between us and them. We have a conscience, we care, we have guilt and remorse and they do not. They feel totally justified in all they do and feel superior to normal people because they are not governed by morals and what is right and wrong. They also get off on our pain so will intentionally do things to hurt the people who love them. Every time you are hurt and forgive it is one more notch in his belt , one more shot of adrenaline in his arm and he thinks, “Ha! I got away with that, time to ramp it up. How far can I push her.” Every time you think you have it figured out and you have the answer to fixing him and the relationship he will twist the facts until you are so confused you question your sanity. You will keep thinking, “If I could just explain it in a way that he would understand he would stop hurting me.” “If I could just love him enough or prove how much I love him he would stop sabotaging the wonderful thing we have.”

It is never going to happen.

You said he has many good traits and you have had many good times. We all did, or we would not have been with them. They are never ALL bad, not until you have been with them 10 + years and by then you are so beaten down and invested so much of yourself, are so alone with no friends and he has methodically destroyed everything good in your life, it is all but impossible to leave.

You own your home? give him enough time and he will make sure you lose it too OR you will have been with him long enough he will have legal rights to your home (if it isn’t too late already) Don’t even entertain the thought that he would never do that to you, never underestimate the depth of their depravity and cruelty. It never gets better only worse, muh worse.

You describe the relationship like this

 He doesn’t really have any friends but isolated me from mine. I can’t talk on the phone with my friends when he’s around cuz it’s taking attention away from him. He always Carrys his phone around with him, won’t leave it out of his site. He will fall asleep with his phone on arm rest of couch 2 inches from his eye. And the phone is upside down with his iPad on top of it most of the time. Sex seems like a chore with him he never wants to get close (romantic, emotional) always talks piggish and makes me dress sluty and do sluty things and degrades me. I think the man has issues. I think he stalks girls and hides their numbers in work papers in his truck and has bikini pics of them on his phone. I’m scared to call him out on his bullshit cuz he gets very verbally abusive and will punch my coffee table or whatever is in front of him. He’s never laid a hand on me but has verbally threatened to smack the shit out of me numerous times.

All my coworkers and friends and family know all about the real him and they just want me to get rid of his ass and find someone that respects me and deserves me. He is not mentally loyal to me that’s for sure. Idk if he’s ever physically cheated on me but knowing he has mentally makes me think I’m not worth it

When I read that I have to ask.

It doesn’t matter what he is, why are you with a man who makes you feel this way? What are you getting out of it? Why do you have to prove he is the asshole he is? You are unhappy, you are suspicious and he treats you with disrespect and none of your friends like him. How much more do you need? You do not need proof in order to leave me; you do not have to justify kicking his ass to the curb. YOU control your life, it is not working, he needs to get out; you don’t have to prove anything. Even if he was a sweetheart, it is your life and if you are not happy that is all the reason you need to end the relationship. Why do you have to have proof he cheated?

You want to prove you are right. But who are you proving it to? your friends already think you are short changing yourself, he will never admit to anything and will cry real tears if you do dump him and be so sorry and beg for another chance and you will give it to him from the sounds of it (just like I did, until I had heard the same line 3 times). Do you know what will happen if you do prove he is cheating? You will wonder what’s wrong with you, he will tell you that he wouldn’t have to cheat if you did this or that….you will doubt yourself, he will beg for another chance, if you would just meet him 1/2 way, give him  chance, be more like the woman he wants (which changes daily) so you will try harder to be the woman he says he wants and you will lay down some rules of your own and for a while it will be like it used to be in the beginning, until he has you firmly hooked again and then you will discover he has just gotten better at hiding his activities and he will get more cocky and indignant. Now it will be, “Why do you have to keep bring up the past? why do you always cause conflict? Why are you trying to change him?”

And down down down the rabbit hole you go and he starts throwing dirt on top of you.

Please read up on narcissists, there are many good posts here or you can try Sam Vaknin on Youtube, Kim Saeed at Let me Reach, or many other sites and they will all tell you that the narcissist never changes and you never win when you play Clue with a narcissist.

You are risking everything; EVERYTHING! for a man who does not love or respect you and he most certainly is not going to appreciate your loyalty, in fact he is exploiting it. Take it from someone who has done 10 years or any of the other women here who have been where you are and wished they would have followed their gut that was screaming at them to run long before they did.

I won’t lie, it is painful, it is not easy to leave a narcissist but it is possible and the sooner the better.