Category Archives: Psychopaths

The Tools Of A Narcissist

Imagine if you will; you’ve been on your own for almost a year, or maybe it’s even been a couple of years; however long it’s been since you left the narcissist who feasted on your heart and you are finally whole.

You’ve done alot of hard work putting the pieces of your life together, you have found a new you under all the pain and confusion. You are feeling stronger and you’ve set new healthy boundaries, no man is ever going to have that control over you again.

You’ve been dating, nothing too serious and you doubt you will ever meet another man who will stir up the passion you had with the narcissist. But that’s ok because it was that passion that brought you to your knees and made you sacrifice everything.

Life is ok and you are ok with just ok. No passion, but no emotional roller coaster either.

Then, the phone rings. You check call display, it’s become a habit, he hasn’t called in months, a year? You used to count the hours, days, since you last talked to him but it’s been so long you’ve lost count. Your heart stops, it’s him. You stare at the phone, your mind races; you wonder why he’s calling now, what could he possibly say now, remember; “curiosity killed the cat”.

Oh but damn, it’s so hard to put that phone down and walk away. You’re stronger now, you just want to see what he has to say, you think this is your chance to tell him what you really think of him, you’re on to his games, he won’t be able to suck you back into his web of bullshit this time. You know what you are dealing with this time. And……you answer.

Hello?

Him in his soft, I couldn’t hurt a fly, soaked in honey voice,”Baby, I was afraid you wouldn’t answer. I don’t know if I should call or not, I just wanted to hear your voice. I need to know if you are ok.”

You, “You shouldn’t have called.”

Him, “Sorry. But it is really good to hear your voice.” he laughs nervously. “Are you doing ok?”

You’re forcing yourself to not smile. (He said it was good to hear your voice!! Heart get out of my throat) “I am doing good, no thanks to you! You really hurt me, left me with nothing but your shit and bills to clean up.”

Him in an even softer voice, “I know, and I am SO sorry. I will pay you back, that’s partly why I am calling. I’m finally making some decent money and you’re the first person I felt guilty about, I HAVE to try to make things right. I can’t live with myself knowing I hurt you……..I know I didn’t tell you enough, but you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

You are thrown off guard. He just admitted he did you wrong, he just basically apologized, he never admitted fault before! What’s going on?

He continues, “Look, I know you have every reason to not believe me and I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want to disrupt your life, I know I screwed it up and I have to live with my mistakes and the fact that it’s my fault I lost the only woman who ever really loved me and understood me, my soul mate. I just want the opportunity to at least pay you back.”

You, “I guess that would be ok. But I am seeing someone and have a new life now.”

Him, “I understand. You have found someone else. As long as you are happy, you deserve to be happy. I hope he treats you like the queen you are.”

You, “He’s a nice guy.”

Him, “Can I call you again?”

You, “I guess.”

Him with a sigh of relief, “Thank you Babe, that’s all I can ask of you. Thank you!”

You, “No biggie”. You are struggling to keep calm and sound indifferent but your mind is screaming, “What the hell is going on??!”

You, “Ok, well I should probably go.”

Him, “of course. I’m sorry to babble. I’ve missed you.”

You, “I used to miss you too.”

Him, “Babe?.”

You, “Yeah.”

Him, “There’s a song that always makes me think of you, Do You Drink About Me, just wanted you to know, it’s probably silly, forget I said anything. Sorry. I’ll let you go.” And in a barely audible whisper you think you hear him say, “I love you….”

*Click*

You, “Alexa? Play  Do You Drink About Me.

DON’T GO DOWN THAT RABBIT HOLE!!!

He has accomplished exactly what he set out to do. 

1. Get you thinking about him, wondering why he called now, what does he want, did he really say “I love you”, is he really sorry, has he changed??!!

2. Make you doubt yourself. 

3. Remind you that it wasn’t all bad.

4. Remind you of the passion and connection you had in the beginning.

5. Open the door, even a crack so he can slither back into your life.

And slither he will, just like the snake that he is. Once he is back in your life it won’t take long before you will be right back where you were. 

He’ll leave you alone for a few days, maybe send a text saying how good it was to hear your voice.

Then the next day, another text. “Have you listened to our song yet? I just heard it and thought of you.” (Notice now it is our song)

That night, “Still drinking of you. Goodnight Babe. Sweet dreams. I’ll be dreaming of you.”

Oh you would have to be a hard hearted Hannah to not start to weaken.

This is why No Contact is so vitally important. 

My next post. What To Do When The Narcissist Says All The Right Things.

 

Advertisements

First Date, First Kiss

I don’t know about you, but it never seems to matter how long I do the dating thing I always get the jitters. “What if he doesn’t show up?” “What if he doesn’t like me?”

I kept telling myself that it didn’t matter, I didn’t even know him, but for some reason, with the handsome stranger, it mattered.

Sure enough, he called me at work to cancel, he explained he was waiting for money to come in from his accident.

He told me he was a little embarrassed to admit it but the other night in the bar he had just pawned one of his guitars and he was anxious to get his money so he could get it back.

The money was supposed to be there in the morning but he didn’t know when and he didn’t want to be late or leave me waiting. He had just bought a BMW that he had to pick up and he didn’t want to be rushed. Could we move it to Friday evening instead?

Sure! I didn’t have to work on Saturdays, better for me. He was obviously relieved and surprised. He told me most women would be pissed off.

I didn’t see why a woman wouldn’t understand, it wasn’t like he stood me up, he just moved the date one day.

Friday I wore my new jeans to work so I could meet him at the bar at 6 pm. (Everyone had told me my new jeans made my ass look great). I was waiting in the parking lot when he called to say he was almost there. He said to look for a green BMW. I didn’t know what a BMW looked like but I saw him pull in, he was right on time.

He held the bar door open for me, it was really busy but we found a table.

We were right beside the door to the patio and the door to the kitchen, so there was alot of traffic going by and my chair got knocked into often, it was loud, and he asked if I was ok sitting there. I shrugged and said sure. (I just never get upset about little things like that.)

Again, he was pleasantly surprised, as most women would be complaining about the noise and traffic. I thought, “Sheesh, who has this guy been dating?! It’s a popular bar on a Friday night.”

He ordered steak and prawns. I didn’t eat, I didn’t have alot of money and planned on going Dutch, besides I was nervous and not hungry.

He fed me a prawn off his plate and I ate it. Again, he was impressed I would take food off his fork. I thought, “this guy must have dated some real loser women if he is this easily impressed.”

He asked the waitress for the bill and mentioned he had to work the next day and couldn’t stay out too late. I felt a twinge of disappointment. I pulled out my wallet to pay my share and he said, don’t be silly, he had it covered. Then he said he didn’t want the night to end, and asked if I knew of a quieter place where we could talk.

I knew of a lounge about 10 minutes away. We took his car and parked across the street.

He opened my car door for me and as we crossed the street I felt his strong arm slide easily around my waist in a protective sort of way. My stomach got butterflies.

The lounge was quiet which allowed us to talk more easily. There were no awkward silences, laughter came easy, we had compatible values.

He seemed very humble and almost embarrassed to tell me about his accomplishments. He was very interested in my life, my interests, my job, my son. For once a guy was more interested in hearing about me than trying to impress me by talking incessantly about himself.

By the way he looked at me; intently, as if mesmorized by my every word, I could tell he really liked me. I felt desirable, appreciated, sexy, special; like he felt lucky to be with me.

He mentioned he had left his other car where he had picked up his BMW and didn’t know how he would get it.
I volunteered to help him drive it back to his place, if he couldn’t find anyone else to help him. He was impressed I was willing to do that and seemed surprised.

The way he held eye contact gave me goose bumps. Those blue blue eyes. Our hands brushed on the table. Our thighs touched. Our feet touched. He brushed my hair out of my eyes. Oh my!!

He seemed to have experienced almost too much for a man his age. He was a licensed heavy duty mechanic, a class 1 driving instructor, a ticketed welder/fabricator, had played lead guitar for a popular band before the band got famous (he left the band months prior to them getting their big break) Now he was in school for water/sewer technology because the motorcycle accident he’d had left him unable to do any of his previous trades.

He had said they had told him he would never walk again but he didn’t even limp. He said it was a miracle! I agreed, I had nursed my husband after his motorcycle accident and knew how unforgiving a motor cycle accident could be.

As we crossed the street to leave he grabbed my hand.

*Little electric shocks*

His hands dwarfed mine and were callused and strong. (I have always loved a working man’s hands. No soft pudgy manicured hands for me; calloused hands turn me on.)

He drove me back to my car. We parked. He explained he had to catch the ferry the next day after work to go back “home” to spend time with his mom. He mentioned he goes home every weekend. (That made sense, it was home. But it also meant that any kind of long term relationship between him and I was unlikely.)

He said he would call me when he got off work and if I wasn’t busy we could move his car before he left. Sounded good to me.

Then, it came, that awkward time when a couple kisses, or not.

I decided to take the lead. I thanked him very much and leaned in, brushing my lips against his neck as I whispered, “Thank you. I really had a nice time”. He smelled good, clean, fresh.

I felt his fingers in my hair, and as I pulled away he brushed the hair from my face, our lips touched and he kissed me ever so sweetly. His lips were full, soft, gentle, and lingered; no tongue, not forceful, just sweet and sensual, leaving me a little breathless and definitely wanting more.

THE one thing that determines whether or not there is any hope of a future relationship is how a guy kisses. If he can’t kiss, it doesn’t matter how great he is in any other area; it’s a non-starter for me.

* He could kiss. Oh my God. He could kiss.

You May Not Remember Me

…………. You May Not Remember Me

He laughed, “I remember you, Carrie right?”

✓ He remembered me

Me, “I hope it’s not too late to call.”

Him with a chuckle, “ummm no, it’s not too late, (I looked at the clock, it was 10 pm) I was just playing my guitar. How did your date go, it didn’t last very long?”

“He was a pompous ass lawyer.”

Him laughing, “Pompous ass lawyer eh?! That’s funny. I like you.”

✓ He liked me and I liked that

We talked for a couple of hours. I said, “So you play the guitar?” (My dad had played the guitar and I had taken lessons when I was a teenager) He explained he played lead guitar but had a headset he could wear so as not to disturb the neighbors.

✓ Considerate

I couldn’t believe how much we had in common, he had just found his birth mom, I had given a child up for adoption when I was 16.

He lived on the coast, I love the ocean, water of any kind really. I was buying a cabin on a lake and he told me he was buying a house on the ocean.

He was recovering from a bad motorcycle accident, (my first husband had almost died in a motorcycle accident). He was attending school and living temporarily about an hour from me, to retrain in a new profession because of his accident.

He asked me if he could buy me dinner sometime and I said I thought we had quite an age difference. He laughed and asked how old I thought he was, I guessed him to be in his late 20’s maybe 30, and I was 41.

He told me he was 34 and he had dated women much older than me. I was hesitant but he said he preferred a women a bit older because they weren’t into games, knew what they wanted, and maybe they could teach him something.

We laughed.

✓ He “got” my sense of humor

On a hunch I asked him when his birthday was. He told me the date and said, “I’m a libra.”

Me: “I knew it! I can’t date you, sorry.”

Him: “You don’t like Libra’s?”

Me: “No actually, I like them too much. I always end up falling in love with them and it’s never a good thing.

Him: “What horoscope sign do you like? I can be any sign you want?”

✓ Charming – a Libra trait.

I agreed to go out with him the next night after work.

I liked him, I really liked him.

Conversation had been easy, we laughed alot! We had alot in common, he was polite, like a boy who was raised in a good family to be respectful and polite,and I could tell he was into me.

He had told me he was raised by older, very religious adoptive parents on a farm in Saskatchewan. I have a lot of relatives in Saskatchewan and know people from Sask are different, in a good way. They tend to be neighborly, honest, and hard working.
He had found his birth mother only a few months earlier and flown to Vancouver to meet her, a full blood sister and two 1/2 siblings. He had been so nervous the whole plane had cheered him on and wished him well when they landed. He had bought champagne and flowers. The meeting had been better than anything he had imagined and they had such a connection he had stayed for 2 weeks. When he flew home he immediately quit his job, packed up his stuff and drove back to BC so he could get to know his birth family.

He said his family and friends in Saskatchewan had been worried he would be lead astray in the big city but he was loving the city, the ocean, his family. He was so thankful and blessed.

His birth mom and him were close immediately and talked daily.
He sounded very sweet, again I thought maybe he was too young for me, too niave.

I didn’t want a love sick puppy hanging around, I hate love sick puppies.

But he lived far enough away to not be a nuisance yet close enough to see on weekends.

Besides, I was a grown adult, he was extremely good looking, and if I wanted casual sex, I could have casual sex. Everyone kept telling me I didn’t have to marry every guy I had sex with!

Finding Love When You Least Expect It.

Haven’t you had a friend tell you that they met the love of their life when they had given up on it. “When you stop looking for it and least expect it, that is when you’ll meet “the one”.

I recently watched Dirty John on Netflix and was blown away by how it paralleled my relationship with my ex at every turn. The same instant attraction, the same miscommunications, the same misunderstandings.

Like Debra, I was sick of the losers I was meeting on Plenty Of Fish. They were never what they professed to be. I had even removed my ad and vowed I was done with men, at least internet men. There was one lawyer I had already started talking to over the phone and when I told him I was done with meeting men. He argued that seeing as we had already started talking we should at least meet.

We lived about an hour and a half apart but I was going to be in a small village, about half way between our houses; to book my staff xmas party. If he could meet me there I was willing. He agreed.

I was to meet him at a bar across the street from the restaurant at 5 pm that Wednesday evening.

I was too embarrassed to admit I had already deleted his pics off my computer and didn’t remember what he looked like.
I figured it would be easy enough to pick him out. How many guys could there be by himself, in the bar on a Wednesday night looking like he is looking for someone?!

I got to the bar early, ordered myself a glass of dry white wine and messaged him I was there. He said he was running late and just leaving the office. A quick calculation of rush hour traffic x distance, told me, best case scenario, I had at least an hour to kill. “Great! I already regret agreeing to meet him. I know I don’t like him from talking on the phone, meeting in person isn’t going to change that.

I finished my wine, checked the time, “He shouldn’t be much longer“, ordered another wine and decided to go for a smoke on the outside patio. I got a few cat calls and offers of a place to sit from a few guys.

It was not unusual for me to draw attention from men. I knew I was looking good that night, (in my younger days I could turn heads) 😉 I had on a short jumper dress that made my legs look 5 feet long, 3 inch heels, dark hose, and my shoulder length sun bleached hair was in my usual “freshly fucked” look. (My brother’s description)

I was keeping my eye on the door in case he walked in. Just as I was heading back to my table I saw a guy come through the door. He was very handsome, curly short black hair, glasses, worn jeans, cowboy boots, a crisp white shirt undone just enough to show a little chest hair and stylish black leather bomber type jacket. He looked like he smelled good. He stopped and casually scanned the bar.

Hmmm he’s better looking than I remember. This might work out better than I expected” He was still looking around when I start to walk towards him. Our eyes connected, he smiled, dimples, chiselled chin, clean shaven, nice!
It must be him“.

I gave him a huge smile and started to raise my arms as if to give him a hug as I walked towards him. I could tell he was prepared to hug me back.

At the last moment it hit me, he can’t possibly be my date!
Abort! Abort! He’s much too young! too tall, too handsome….. abort!!”

My first impression was that he was a preppy, university, rich kid trying to look like a bad boy, not a 40 something lawyer.

I took a sharp turn to the left and sat at my table against the window. “Thank God my wine had arrived while I was making a fool out of myself.”

I was sitting there staring out the window, wishing Scotty would just beam me up. “You idiot! That guy must think you are crazy! You almost hugged a complete stranger!! Oh God!! Where is that asshole lawyer??! When I finish this glass of wine I am leaving!!
I was so deep into berating myself I was startled when I heard a soft, sexy male voice ask if he could buy me a drink.

I looked to my right and saw his faded jeans, looking up I got a closer look at the chiseled chin and dimpled smile, smiling blue eyes, and

I stuttered, “Excuse me?”
He laughed and said, “I was asking if I could buy you a drink or are you waiting for someone.”

I could feel my face getting hot as I smiled and said I was waiting for someone, thanks anyway.

He shrugged and said, “I figured you probably were but would have never forgiven myself if I hadn’t asked. You can’t blame a guy for trying. Have a good night.”
I watched him walk back to his table, he had an easy confident stride, cowboy boots type of stride, nice! Yes! I shamelessly checked out his butt, don’t even try to tell me you wouldn’t! No slack in the ass jeans there! His jeans fit perfectly! I loves me a man with jeans that fit or more to the point; an ass that fits his jeans. “Shit!”

I had to use the washroom which required walking right past the handsome stranger’s table.
He was on his phone when I went past the first time but he gave me a little wave and smile. When I came out he was off his phone, I walked past but stopped and went back.

“I feel I owe you an explanation for almost hugging you earlier. I’m not crazy, really.”

He laughed and admitted he was curious.
I explained I was waiting for a blind date and had mistaken him for my date but realized he couldn’t possibly be him at the last moment. He laughed and asked why I didn’t know what the guy looked like so I explained about having a personal ad and taking it down, deleting the pics etc. He asked what I thought of internet dating, he had been thinking about trying it but never had. I told him I wasn’t impressed and would stick to the old fashioned way of meeting men.

I went back to my table but decided to go for another smoke, again walking past his table. We smiled and said Hi as I passed. “He must think I am stalking him I keep walking past him.”

While having my smoke I decided that I was just going to leave, this was rediculous. On my way past the handsome stranger’s table he handed me a folded slip of paper, “If your date doesn’t work out I hope you’ll call me.”

Just as I took the note from him, he said, “I think your date is here.”

I looked up at the exact time I was taking the slip and my date’s eyes and mine met as I quickly stuffed the note in my pocket.

I went up to him and introduced myself, he said, “A friend of yours?”

“No.”

There was NO chemistry with lawyer dude. I took an immediate dislike to him. He was loud, obnoxious, and made sure the whole bar heard how much his car cost, that he was a lawyer, how much he spent at the last restaurant he went to etc etc. I was embarrassed to have anyone think I would like someone like that or have the handsome stranger think I would be attracted to anyone that shallow. I hadn’t heard of narcissists yet so I would later describe him as a pompous ass lawyer.

Handsome stranger joked easily with the waitress, paid his bill, went back to his table and slipped a $5 tip under his empty beer bottle, and left, smiling and waving discreetly from behind my dates back. I felt like yelling, “Come back!”

My date droned on and on about himself. “Does he even notice I am not listening to him?” I had to purposely keep my mind from drifting.

The handsome stranger came back in. He caught my eye and smiled, I rolled my eyes, he laughed, got some matches from the waitress and walked out.

I interrupted my date, “I’ve got to go. Sorry. I have an hour drive home and have work tomorrow.”
He was angry. He had just got here.
I said, “Exactly. I’ve been waiting for almost 2 hours. I’m going home.”

He asked if he could see me again and I said, “I don’t think we have much in common, I don’t think another date is a good idea.” I put a $20 on the table and walked out.

In the car I unfolded the slip of paper, the stranger’s name was scrawled across it with his phone number.

My teenaged son had been bugging me to start dating, I had been single a year and a half since my 3rd marriage ended. He was anxious to know how my date went when I walked through the door. I told him about the night, the lawyer and the handsome stranger.

My son said, “Call him Mom!!”

I never called men, “Really? You think I should call? Now?”

My son, “Sure Mom. He gave you his number, call him. What have you got to lose?”

“You’re sure?”

“Call!!”

And so my Harlequin Romance began.

Heart Breaks Do Heal

When the victim is leaving or has been dumped for the umpteenth time by the narcissist they feel like they can’t go on, won’t survive the pain.

I know I am not alone when I say I felt like I just wanted to die, life was not worth living. I literally had nothing to live for and no hope of ever changing my bleak future.

As my ex had told me, “No man is ever going to want a psycho, paranoid, whining, suicidal bitch like you anyway”

And I don’t share this video in order to make you think your happiness resides in meeting another man and falling in love.

My point in sharing is to say, what seems hopeless, and what feels like the end to you ever being happy again is just one door closing, a door that needed to close in order for you to find your true self and real happiness.

What you think is a perfect fit and what you thought was your future will seem rediculous a few years from now.

So many victims lament that they want to be their “old self”, happy go lucky, niave, innocent, confident, but don’t know how now that they have known true evil.

You can’t go back, nor should you. You wouldn’t have even gotten into that mess, or stayed if there wasn’t something in you that needed fixing.

I believe we should all spend our whole life learning, growing and trying to be our best selves. I don’t think it is a goal we can ever attain.

Anyway, this woman tells a great story I think any divorcing woman can relate to or anyone who can look back to a time they had lost all hope. We never know what the future holds.

Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late

I have been there, believe me. Deep down you know you are in danger but when you tell anyone they doubt you and then you doubt yourself. Maybe you are paranoid, maybe you are imagining things.

Please, I was lucky, it took my sister-in-law telling me he would kill me if I didn’t leave. Maybe God let me live because he needed me to educate people, be there to support victims. I should have, could have died several times.

I was reading a post the other day about Flying Monkeys and the damage they do. I always read the comments on posts and this one was no different. That is where I read the following comment.

I’m going through something ive never seen written about. My ex has fm that sneak into my daughters attic and stay above only the room im in….so who hears them right. Plus they have a newly redone attic that make little noise. They throw liquid on me, use something to make burns on my head. Use something to make me so tired i actually passed out withfood in my mouth. What do i do? Pray. Its been 4 years we broke up and we r divorced. I did divorce. He got everything. Our business ect. I had many hospital stays in our 37 yr marriage. I had 11 kidney stones……bladder so red they thought i had cancer. He was always cold and distant. I am 57 never had kidney stones. Got so bad i couldnt pee. Then just blood……he got weird phone call and i heard him say no shes just scared. He has been abusive in everyway. Near the end i was passing out at random times and am again. Help!!

ML (she used her full name but for her protection I am using her initials, just in case I am wrong) you need to move immediately. Find a safe shelter for domestic abuse victims. It is unlikely the police will believe you because it does sound far fetched. I believe you, but only because I have been there. People who haven’t experienced the abuse of a narc think, “But that doesn’t make sense. Why would someone do that?” The only answer is, “because they are a narcissist. They are evil soul destroyers”.
Plan your escape very carefully and covertly. No one can know. Once you have a safe place to go to leave in one fell swoop. Take what you can and leave the rest, nothing is worth your life. I left with $5 and my dog and slept in my truck. It’s been a long haul and life has been tough but I never regretted getting away and now 8 years after leaving my life is anxiety free, and I have good friends I can trust.
As long as you live where they have access to you, you are not safe.
Good luck.

ML, also, if that is your real name stop using it to post on social media immediately!! Do a Google search of your name and see what shows up. Any comments you make will show up in a Google search. If they are spying on you, you can bet they are tracking your Internet activity. Also check your vehicle for a tracking device and get a different phone. It’s amazingly easy to hack into a person’s cell phone and have full access to a person’s photos, text messages, and GPS. They can listen in on all your conversations and actually see what you are doing, even if you think your phone is off.

I immediately got out of that post and did a Google search on her name and the only thing that came up was an Obituary saying she died Dec 28, 2018. She comment was made 36 weeks ago, that would have meant her comment was made at the end of June 2018.

I am not saying her ex killed her. I don’t know her or him at all.

I DO know there are many ways to kill a person, you don’t have to even be in the same vicinity.

There are many ways a rcissist can kill a person; by slowly poisoning them physically or mentally. They can make their life so unbearable they feel their only escape is to kill themselves. (By getting them fired, evicted, cut off assistance, turn their kids against them, ruin their reputation) They can make them feel useless and turn everyone against them. Or they can make them feel (and act) paranoid and crazy. They can badger them incessantly with taunting phone calls, emails and text messages. They can destroy their property until they own nothing at all. Some, like my ex tamper with the victims vehicle, cutting brake lines, loosening lugnuts, the steering.

The stress alone can kill them, a woman leaving an abusive relationship is 75% more likely to get a chronic illness like cancer or like in my case, heart failure. Almost all victims end up with PTSD.

Unfortunately, since I started this blog I personally know of at least 6 women who were killed by their narcissist ex. That is just the ones I know for sure, there are more, like this woman, I suspect their killer is walking free.

The victim is often so deep into cognitive dissonance they convince themselves the narcissist is not really dangerous and deep down loves them and couldn’t really hurt them. They think they know the narcissist better than anyone and can handle him. They think they will be able to talk him out of hurting her or be able to outsmart him.

They also think they can’t live without the narcissist, or they can wean themselves off the narc. Or, they think one day they will have their fill and be able to walk away without it hurting like hell. The narc will hurt them one last time and they will kick him to the curb and never doubt their decision. All lies.

You can not ever be “ready” to leave, you will have self doubt, and he is going to try everything to make you doubt yourself.

As long as you remain in contact with the narcissist, in any form at all, even through friends and family; you are putting yourself in danger.

And yes, I too found myself wishing he would just kill me and get it over with because I didn’t think I could leave and start all over alone. I had nothing, I was 51, I just didn’t feel strong enough, couldn’t see ever having a life worth living but I dug deep and took that first step.

You don’t know what the future holds if you leave, but you know what the future will be like if you stay; and it only gets worse. Your only chance for a better life is to leave.

I am not saying leaving isn’t hard, it IS hard, you are going to cry and go through all kinds of emotions and you will struggle with yourself to not call him BUT it does get better and easier.

That much I can promise you!!

You don’t know how strong you are until you make it through something you didn’t think you could. If it was easy you wouldn’t need strength or courage.

Don’t give up on yourself!!

Don’t let him/her win!

Let’s Set The Record Straight, Right Now!

There are some misconceptions going around that have the potential to be dangerous to unwitting victims of a narcissist.

Twenty years ago no one had even heard of a narcissist and a psychopath was someone depicted as running the Bates Hotel.

I had heard of Narcissist, the fabled guy who fell in love with his own reflection, but he was a joke, not to be feared.

After leaving my ex I was determined to figure out what happened to me and warn others.

There really wasn’t much information out there about narcissists and what I could find was vague and didn’t seem like my ex. One of the reasons I had fallen in love with my ex was the fact that he wasn’t a braggard. I had dated egomaniacs before and they never lasted long. I could not stand a guy who had to put a price on everything, interrupt people and be the center of attention. You know the guy, the one telling off color jokes at the top of his lungs, the used car salesman stereotype, the sleazeball leaning against the cigarette machine with his shirt undone to his navel with a gold chain and hitting on all the women. I never understood how they got women.

Or the guys in the gym who can’t walk past a mirror without flexing, or the highschool jock who has girls flocking at his feet. No fear of me ever falling for someone like that! As for a guy controlling what I wear, who my friends are, or when I go out; that was downright laughable!!

I was reading a post on a victims of a narcissist support site and some woman was saying she has learned to co-exist with her narcissistic husband. According to her, she knew exactly how to “handle” him. When I hear anyone say they know how to “handle” a narcissist and they can co-exist peacefully, I know one of three things is going on,

1. they are not with a narcissist

2. they are deep in denial

3. The narcissist has not revealed his true colors yet

She was defensive and told me she had done lots of research and knew what she was talking about. She related a story of a friend who’s husband was so selfish he filled the garage with all his “toys” and the wife could not park her car in the garage in winter and said, she would never presume to tell this friend to leave her husband and find someone better.

I would hope the hell not!! If that is the worst the woman has to deal with she should consider herself lucky.

This woman has a very warped definition of a narcissist!! Narcissists are NOT benign!!

It seems to me calling someone a narcissist has become the “in” thing to do. Everyone who has had a bad experience of any kind, been rejected by a man, or been with an inconsiderate man, is quick to label them a narcissist. The self righteous, “I am woman hear me roar” women will tell you they know how to deal with a narcissist. They tell a man what they think, they never let a man walk all over them. They aren’t a doormat.

Let me be very clear, narcissist is NOT the new age term for asshole.

If you sleep with a man even though he refuses to commit, you are making a conscious decision to have sex with a man without a commitment. If a man is honest enough to tell you, “I don’t love you”, “I don’t want a commitment”, “I don’t want to ever get married” believe him! Don’t assume you are going to win his love by being a doormat.

If a man falls out of love with you, it’s gonna hurt, but it happens, deal with it, it does not make him a narcissist.

Now, what does make him a narcissist?

The DSM 5, used to diagnose personality disorders, says at least 5 of these symptoms must exist:

    • A grandiose sense of self-importance

    • A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

    • A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

    • A need for excessive admiration

    • A sense of entitlement

    • Interpersonally exploitive behavior

    • A lack of empathy

    • Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

  • A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

In a proposed alternative model cited in DSM-5, NPD is characterized by moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning, manifested by characteristic difficulties in 2 or more of the following 4 areas [2] :

    • Identity

    • Self-direction

    • Empathy

  • Intimacy


It still sounds rather obscure and benign if you don’t fully understand how these traits manifest themselves.

Besides, by the time a victim goes looking for answers to “what the hell is happening?” They are in so deep it can be almost impossible to safely leave the relationship.

Any normal halfway intelligent woman wouldn’t date a narcissist if they saw him without his mask on the first date or two. When you meet the narcissist he is nothing like the description above, in fact he probably seems the exact opposite.

It isn’t even possible to describe how to a pick a narcissist out of the crowd or say what kind of woman they are attracted to because they morph into the victim’s perfect partner. They don’t have a “type” of woman, every woman they meet, regardless of age, looks, economic status, or religious beliefs is assessed for their value to the narcissist. Not every woman will fall for them but that is of little consequence to the narcissist because he has so many women in various stages of falling for his act he always has one or two ready to step into the role of his main supply.

He will use women for whatever he sees of benefit to him. One might provide a roof over his head, another could give him prestige, or a desired job, it could be simply a sexual relationship.

The one thing all the women will have in common is they will all think they are special to the narcissist and that he is totally in love with her alone. They will all think they know him better than anyone else and not have a clue who he really is. Most women find out exactly how little they knew about him after the relationship ends.

Before we go any further, let me clarify some misconceptions about narcissist. The mental health professionals can’t even agree on many aspects of narcissism. There is controversy about how dangerous they are, if they can be “healed” and how someone becomes a narcissist.

Some quick facts:

Not all narcissists were abused as children. I believe many of them were simply because they were narcissists and the parents were trying to teach them right from wrong. There can be numerous children in a family raised by the same two parents in the exact same way and one of them will be a narcissist and different from birth, always lying, breaking rules, blaming their siblings, getting in trouble in school etc

Brain scans have been done that prove narcissist and psychopath’s brains never develop the ability to feel empathy or guilt. Consequently, they can not be healed, not with therapy or by your magical love.

People will tell you narcissists aren’t dangerous. But recent research is showing otherwise. All psychopaths are narcissistic. They say narcissists don’t murder people, only psychopaths do that. If they both display the exact same traits how does a lay person distinguish between the two. A narcissist is just a psychopath who hasn’t killed yet.

There are three personality disorders that are considered the most dangerous; psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. The reason they are so dangerous is because they are the only disorders that lack a conscience. Think about it; without a conscience what stops a person from doing whatever they want whenever they want. Most of us have been so angry at someone at some point in our lives that we thought, “I could kill the bastard”; but we don’t! Because we know our conscience wouldn’t allow it. We may see something we like and think, “I really want that”, but we don’t steal it because we would feel too guilty, or we would think Karma would get us, or God, or we know how we would feel if someone stole from us. A narcissist doesn’t have those filters. He wants it, he takes it, without any guilt, in fact he feels entitled to take it.

Therapy doesn’t help a narcissist, except to help him be better at being a narcissist. Counselling only provides the narcissist with more information he can use to manipulate his victims and improve his acting skills.

Narcissists will tell you that they aren’t dangerous or even that evil. I have been told by narcissists that I am describing a psychopath, psychopaths say I am describing a sociopath or narcissist, the sociopath says, “Not ME! You are talking about narcissists!

One of the leading traits of a narcissist is that they are pathological liars. Why would you believe anything they say?

I heard a long time ago,

“If a narcissist’s lips are moving, he’s lying.”

Which is another reason therapy doesn’t help them and why therapists don’t agree on the cause, motives, and severity of narcissism; they never get a straight answer from the narcissist.

They are academy award worthy actors. They knew at a very young age they were different than everyone else, so they learned to imitate the emotions of those around them in order to fit in and go undetected. They learned that acting the way they wanted got them in trouble and worked against them. They are usually highly intelligent so figure out they get much further if they pretend to be like everyone else. That is where upbringing plays a major role in how they present themselves, and some are more sophisticated than others.

Look! I don’t really care what label you put on them, there is a type of person out there in the world destroying lives and they all follow the same m.o. The Diagnostic Manual wants to put narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths under the same classification and call them Antisocial Disorder.

People want to break it down even further to Malignant, Covert, Cerebral, and Somatic Narcissist. As far as I am concerned, we give the narcissist far too much attention as it is. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist.

We go looking for answers so we can put our experience, the narcissist in a nice little box and file it away. We think if we can figure out how the narcissist ticks and why he does the things he does, it will help us heal, give us closure.

We think he can give us answers for why he wants to destroy us, the one who loved him unconditionally. Because we do have a conscience, empathy and guilt, we know that for us to treat people that way we would have had to have something truly horrible happen to us. No one acts that way without reason.

You are wrong, narcissists treat people that way without any justification…..because they are narcissists. They know they “hurt” people, but without the ability to feel empathy, hurt, is just a word. Love, is a word they use to manipulate their victims, they have no idea how it feels to truly love someone. In order to truly love someone you have to feel empathy.

Now don’t go crying for the narcissist, feeling sorry for the poor guy who will never know how it feels to love and be loved, doomed to live a lonely loveless life and die alone.

The narcissist actually feels superior to the rest of society. He sees feelings as what makes people weak, it is the thing that enables him to victimize so many people. Why would he want to be like his victims? He thinks his victims are stupid and weak so deserve to be used by him. Every time a victim forgives him he is more disgusted with their gullibility to believe his lies yet again!

So how can you protect yourself? You don’t want to be suspicious all the time. If they are such good actors how on earth can you know until it’s too late? It’s really very simple.

They all seem perfect at first. Not perfect for everyone, but perfect for you.

They think you are perfect, where have you been all their life? They have never known love like the love they have with you.

They push for sex early.

It’s a whirlwind romance. Him rushing to live together or get married. Talking about having kids etc.

He will try to get you to quit your job, move to a new town somehow make you dependent on him.

He usually keeps you away from his family somehow. They are vicious addicts, have always abused his good nature or they don’t like you.

He will point out how disrespectful your kids are to you. How your family doesn’t appreciate you. He just wants to protect you. You are always taking care of everyone else. There probably is a smidgen of truth to it too.

All his ex’s were psycho bitches that are out to get him and destroy him. He will forbid you to talk to them because they will try to turn you against him.

You will discover some lie early on and he will down play it, beg forgiveness and promise it will never happen again.

He will more than likely have money tied up somehow and will try to borrow a bit until the big payoff comes through. He will have money to wine and dine you at first though. He is getting it off some other sucker.

He might have questionable work ethics or credentials.

Often he is new to town so has no long term friends you can meet, he becomes friends with your friends.

Sex is intense and frequent, at first.

Then, all of a sudden, like a switch went off; he is moody, critical, flies into a rage over nothing and you are shocked, don’t understand what you did wrong. He might disappear for days at a time. He will pick a fight and not call or answer your calls for days and then pop back into your life like nothing happened.

If you try to break up with him, he will cry and beg you to give him another chance but things quickly go back to him being moody and angry all the time.

None of this is normal behavior and this is when you exit stage left and cut off all communication. You can NOT talk to him because he will put doubt in your mind. Trust your gut that is telling you something is not right.