Category Archives: Psychopaths

Ho Ho Ho Another F$cking Christmas!

Well, here we are again, but it’s Christmas 2019 and we are heading into 2020! Can you believe it? I certainly can’t.

I met my ex November 2000 and celebrated New Year’s 2001 with him. Oh I was smitten, but you know? I felt something wasn’t right even back then. Of course I chastised myself for being too picky, over analyzing, getting bored with the “nice guy”. And of course he had answers for any questions I asked.

I was struggling with getting back on my feet after a divorce and had just started a new job, had sold my big home at a loss and my ex husband was claiming bankruptcy and they were coming after me, my teenaged son had quit school and was defying all the rules and his father said, “You wanted him, you got him, deal with it”. I was ready for a little pampering, ready to give up the reins and let someone else steer this wagon train, being strong and independent hadn’t worked too well.

He was younger, handsome, made me laugh, he had a good education, no kids, never been married, so none of that baggage that comes with kids and an ex wife. AND he was nuts about me, he had never met a woman like me, he thought I was perfect just the way I was and, I believed him. I knew I was a good woman, I knew I was attractive, sexy and had always had a lot of male attention, the problem had been I hated love sick puppies and got bored with them. I didn’t need a man, I could take care of myself but always ended up taking care of the man too. This time I wasn’t going to blow it, this time I was going to let a man take care of me.

It’s been 19 years since I met him, it took 10 years for him to break and destroy me and it’s taken almost as long to fix myself.

Christmas 2010 he had already found the “love of his life” and she was nothing like me and I was a pile of misery drowning in my tears, trying to just forget to breath so I’d die. I felt totally broken, shattered and I was all alone, my mom had disowned me, my son had moved away, no friends, no job, no money, I was disillusioned, and had no idea how to be me any more.

This song pretty well covers it

How did I get from there to here? How did I find the strength, the courage to carry on and rebuild, reinvent myself, mend my relationships, love again, just live again?

I made a conscious decision I was not going to let him win. I would not grovel any more, I would fake it until I made it. It wasn’t easy because he stalked me for 5 years and sabotaged me at every angle. There were many times I wanted to give up but that would have given him exactly what he wanted. What an ego boost to have a woman kill herself because he didn’t want her any more. Oh I could see it, how he would cry because he would feel so guilty, he knew I was always unstable, he tries so hard to help me. Fucker. Nope, I would not give him what he wanted.

He said no one would want me, well, I would show him, I would learn to be a person who didn’t rely on the love and approval of others to feel I was good enough.

I had been a people pleaser my whole life and if I had rebuild myself I was going to rebuild myself into someone I liked, someone who only lived true to herself and to hell with anyone who told me who they thought I should be.

I didn’t have the energy to live for other people, I was going to do it for me and if people didn’t like me, so be it, you can’t please everyone, I had learned that lesson.

So that is how it started. I learned to trust my gut and not second guess it. I learned to say no when I really didn’t want to do something. I learned to ask for help. I learned to be honest about my feelings, but I also learned to analyze what I was feeling before I puked my feelings all over some innocent person. Many times anger comes from insecurity, insecurity can come from misunderstandings, or shame, I learned to peel back the layers of my anger until I got to the real issue and could talk to the person calmly and rationally. It almost always worked out and I almost always felt better because if I was open and honest people almost always responded with honesty and openly. Not every time, but that’s ok, because when you are living true to your core felt you don’t need everyone to agree with you. You can speak your truth without having to prove anything. You are entitled to your feelings, and so is everyone else. And people are entitled to not want to be honest.

Just the other day I was talking to my son about something I was concerned about that he was doing. I spoke honestly, praised him, but then told him I thought he had made a poor choice. I felt it was important for me as his mother to not condone something with my silence and I have a right as his mother to voice my concern. I also told him he did not have to reply to me, answer to me and I basically knew he would do as he pleased no matter what I said anyway.

He replied with, “I appreciate your concern”.

I replied with, “Enough said.”

And we talked about other things.

I am at peace with it. I am at peace with life.

I am not where I envisioned I would be at this age, not by a long shot. But who knows where I would have ended up had I not met my N-ex. There is no point in “if only”‘s, or focusing on what you lost. You have today, right now, and that is all that is guaranteed.

Sure I can go down the self pity rabbit hole sometimes, but it never makes me feel better.

I always wanted to paint but told myself I couldn’t. Now I call myself an artist. I always wanted to be a writer, but my dad laughed at my writings. Now I call myself a published writer.

I always wanted to be an activist, help people who couldn’t speak up for themselves but I told myself “who would listen?” “You don’t have anything intelligent to say”, “what if someone disagrees?” Now I research everything and say nothing I don’t know to be true either by personal experience or from research. And I am proud to say I am an activist and I am trying to make the world a better place.

I used to be afraid people wouldn’t like me, Now, I like myself.

You can too.

Take this holiday season as the first step to being all you can be. Look at this time of brokenness as an opportunity to rebuild yourself better and more authentic than you have ever been. Vow to live true to you and go into 2020 with 20/20 vision of who you are.

Hindsight is always 20/20 but that means you are always living in the past and looking back.

Look to the future with 20/20 vision by looking at and listening to your core self.

Merry Christmas and all the best in the new year to everyone.!!

A New Support Site Worth Checking Out

New support site

I have felt bad for a long time now about not being available to listen and help other survivors of narcissistic abuse. When I first started the blog 8 years ago I was monitoring it 24/7 and was able to be present and available almost any time someone needed to talk, cry, rage or just ask a simple question, or needed a complex answer to something.

It wasn’t always easy, times when I didn’t have a computer and did all my posts on my Blackberry, or couldn’t afford the internet, was living in my car, or my health was so bad I thought I was going to die; but I always found a way to get on the site and check on everyone.

In all honesty it was not as altruistic as it sounds, I needed the site as much as anyone and I also felt I was a few steps ahead of most everyone coming to the site and even if I didn’t have the answers to everything, and didn’t always know the right thing to do; I felt obligated to share my mistakes in hopes others didn’t make the same ones I did. I don’t know where I would have been without the support and encouragement I got from everyone here, not to mention the financial contributions I received, that quite literally kept me fed at times.

I still get the odd donation and it always brings tears to my eyes. As much as the money always helps, it is the fact that someone cares or is grateful or helped by my ramblings that fills my heart. This blog was my rebirth, through it I found the courage to speak honestly because I was never criticized for it, in fact I was praised for my openness and saying it like it is.

I would still like to write a book some day, I have it started……..I just have to find the time to getter done.

But, the last year I have found life getting in the way of the things I want to do, or maybe I have come to the stark reality that I am not getting any younger, 61 yrs old; and I have nothing! If I don’t somehow find a way to provide some security for my future I am in big trouble. I was told 2 years ago that without a heart transplant I wouldn’t live 6 months, so now I am concerned I might live and not be able to survive.

Plus life just keeps kicking me, or the narcs in the world and on Friday I go to court to fight some psycho who wants my dog killed because he says she is vicious. She has never bitten anyone in her life, but they decided to deem her vicious and now she is supposed to be muzzled at all times and kenneled or chained, I refuse to do it because she didn’t do anything; so I am going to court. I don’t know why the guy is lying through his teeth and is focused on killing MY dog, but then, narcissists don’t make sense. They want to destroy things and if you happen to be in their line of vision at the time it strikes them, they will take you down just for the sport of it, to show you they are all powerful. It doesn’t help that he works for the district and of course would have connections and loyalty from any department of the district.

Anyway, I didn’t start this post as a rant about my personal problems; I just wanted to say that I will always leave the site up and pay my $24/ year to keep it active. At one point I had over 3000 followers and was getting thousands of hits a day, it’s down to a few hundred hits a day now, but, when I started I thought if I helped even one woman avoid what I went through, I would be happy and it would have all been worthwhile. Well, it far exceeded my wildest dreams and for that I am extremely grateful. I will still pop in like I have been but I got an invite to “Empaths and Survivors”, took a look and I think it could be a really good support system for victims of abuse. So Check it out and tell Karen I sent you. 🙂

 

The Tools Of A Narcissist

Imagine if you will; you’ve been on your own for almost a year, or maybe it’s even been a couple of years; however long it’s been since you left the narcissist who feasted on your heart and you are finally whole.

You’ve done alot of hard work putting the pieces of your life together, you have found a new you under all the pain and confusion. You are feeling stronger and you’ve set new healthy boundaries, no man is ever going to have that control over you again.

You’ve been dating, nothing too serious and you doubt you will ever meet another man who will stir up the passion you had with the narcissist. But that’s ok because it was that passion that brought you to your knees and made you sacrifice everything.

Life is ok and you are ok with just ok. No passion, but no emotional roller coaster either.

Then, the phone rings. You check call display, it’s become a habit, he hasn’t called in months, a year? You used to count the hours, days, since you last talked to him but it’s been so long you’ve lost count. Your heart stops, it’s him. You stare at the phone, your mind races; you wonder why he’s calling now, what could he possibly say now, remember; “curiosity killed the cat”.

Oh but damn, it’s so hard to put that phone down and walk away. You’re stronger now, you just want to see what he has to say, you think this is your chance to tell him what you really think of him, you’re on to his games, he won’t be able to suck you back into his web of bullshit this time. You know what you are dealing with this time. And……you answer.

Hello?

Him in his soft, I couldn’t hurt a fly, soaked in honey voice,”Baby, I was afraid you wouldn’t answer. I don’t know if I should call or not, I just wanted to hear your voice. I need to know if you are ok.”

You, “You shouldn’t have called.”

Him, “Sorry. But it is really good to hear your voice.” he laughs nervously. “Are you doing ok?”

You’re forcing yourself to not smile. (He said it was good to hear your voice!! Heart get out of my throat) “I am doing good, no thanks to you! You really hurt me, left me with nothing but your shit and bills to clean up.”

Him in an even softer voice, “I know, and I am SO sorry. I will pay you back, that’s partly why I am calling. I’m finally making some decent money and you’re the first person I felt guilty about, I HAVE to try to make things right. I can’t live with myself knowing I hurt you……..I know I didn’t tell you enough, but you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

You are thrown off guard. He just admitted he did you wrong, he just basically apologized, he never admitted fault before! What’s going on?

He continues, “Look, I know you have every reason to not believe me and I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want to disrupt your life, I know I screwed it up and I have to live with my mistakes and the fact that it’s my fault I lost the only woman who ever really loved me and understood me, my soul mate. I just want the opportunity to at least pay you back.”

You, “I guess that would be ok. But I am seeing someone and have a new life now.”

Him, “I understand. You have found someone else. As long as you are happy, you deserve to be happy. I hope he treats you like the queen you are.”

You, “He’s a nice guy.”

Him, “Can I call you again?”

You, “I guess.”

Him with a sigh of relief, “Thank you Babe, that’s all I can ask of you. Thank you!”

You, “No biggie”. You are struggling to keep calm and sound indifferent but your mind is screaming, “What the hell is going on??!”

You, “Ok, well I should probably go.”

Him, “of course. I’m sorry to babble. I’ve missed you.”

You, “I used to miss you too.”

Him, “Babe?.”

You, “Yeah.”

Him, “There’s a song that always makes me think of you, Do You Drink About Me, just wanted you to know, it’s probably silly, forget I said anything. Sorry. I’ll let you go.” And in a barely audible whisper you think you hear him say, “I love you….”

*Click*

You, “Alexa? Play  Do You Drink About Me.

DON’T GO DOWN THAT RABBIT HOLE!!!

He has accomplished exactly what he set out to do. 

1. Get you thinking about him, wondering why he called now, what does he want, did he really say “I love you”, is he really sorry, has he changed??!!

2. Make you doubt yourself. 

3. Remind you that it wasn’t all bad.

4. Remind you of the passion and connection you had in the beginning.

5. Open the door, even a crack so he can slither back into your life.

And slither he will, just like the snake that he is. Once he is back in your life it won’t take long before you will be right back where you were. 

He’ll leave you alone for a few days, maybe send a text saying how good it was to hear your voice.

Then the next day, another text. “Have you listened to our song yet? I just heard it and thought of you.” (Notice now it is our song)

That night, “Still drinking of you. Goodnight Babe. Sweet dreams. I’ll be dreaming of you.”

Oh you would have to be a hard hearted Hannah to not start to weaken.

This is why No Contact is so vitally important. 

My next post. What To Do When The Narcissist Says All The Right Things.