Category Archives: Recovering After Leaving a Narcissist

What a person goes through after leaving a narcissist relationship

How To Love A Woman Who Has Been To Hell

There is a blog post making its way around on the internet, “How To Love A Woman Who Has Been To Hell and Back” “How To Love A Woman Who Has Been To Hell and Back” 

It is a well written post and I am sure many victims of a narcissist/psychopath can relate, obviously; by the amount of times it has been shared and shown up on friend’s FaceBook feeds; but I take issue with a lot of what it contains. After reading it and thinking about it, more and more I kept thinking, “So, because you were hurt, you now have a license to go around hurting others?” What about the man who was hurt by a narcissistic woman? Almost all narcissists complain about how they were taken advantage of and abused by their previous partners, it is almost a challenge to the new target to try harder, love better, prove they are different. The article is below, read it and think back to how you felt while with the narcissist, my notes are in italics.

Many have tried. Most have failed.

The weak need not attempt, for it will take more strength than you even know you possess; more patience, more resilience, more tenacity, more resolve. It requires a relentless love, one that is determined and not easily defeated. I remember thinking that my ex was just testing me to see if I would walk out on him like all the others, and I was determined to prove to him I loved him and wasn’t going anywhere.

For the woman who has been to hell and back will push you away. She will test you in her desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather her storm. Because she is unpredictable—at times a hurricane, a force of nature that rides on the fury of her suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet. Sounds just like a narcissist to me, my ex used to say his love was cycleable. One day he would love me and the next he acted like he couldn’t stand the fact that I was breathing his air.

When she is the gentle rain that falls in time to her silent tears, love her.

When she is the thunder and lightning and ferocious winds that wreak havoc, love her harder.

She is a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even she will not know how to find the balance between the two. Because today, although she will never tell you, she will feel insecure. She will want you to stay close, to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her on her forehead and hold her in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow she will crave her independence, her space, her solitude. Does this not sound familiar to the rest of you? the N pulling you close so he can push you away?

For while you have slept, she has been awake, unable to slow her thoughts, watching clocks and chasing time, trying to make the broken pieces fit, to make sense of it all—of where and how she fits. She fights her demons and slays her dragons, afraid if she goes to sleep they will gain the upper hand, afraid if she goes to sleep she will no longer be in control. Tomorrow she will be tired, and your presence will smother her. She will need only herself. My ex rarely came to bed, it was when he would be on the net putting personal ads in or plotting revenge of some sort. I think he was afraid to sleep for fear of not being in control.

When she reaches out to you, love her.

When she pushes you away, lover her harder.

New situations and places and people and experiences will make her anxious. She will be fiercely independent and long to overcome her fears, all the while as terrified as a small child alone in the big world. Sometimes she will need to be courageous, to prove to herself she has what it takes. Other times she will need you to take her hand and hold it firmly in yours. Sometimes she may not know what she needs, and you will need to read her like a book with worn pages and a tattered spine and be what she needs when she does not know herself.  I often felt like I had to be a mind reader, always struggling to keep the N happy.

When she is brave and steps into the world on her own, love her.

When she is scared, but refuses to take your hand, love her harder.

She will live in fear of not being enough and always being too much—an endless battle to find the middle ground. Ashamed if the scale falls one way or the other, ashamed to be herself for no one has ever loved her both when she is small and also when she is tremendous.

When she feels too much, love her.

When she feels not enough, love her harder. When the narcissists act quite doesn’t measure up or fit the occasion, fill in the blanks for them and assign them emotions they are not feeling.

Sometimes she won’t hurt and the light will shine from her eyes and her laughter will be a rare and precious melody. But sometimes she will hurt so much from the trauma still in her body; she will ache, she will feel pain and anguish. The light will grow dim and the music will fade.

When she is the light, love her.

When she is the darkness, love her harder. Even though you are tired and don’t know the steps any more because the N keeps changing them, keep dancing in hopes that some day they appreciate all you have given up and done for them.

She will always love you with caution, with one foot out the door. For she does not understand a love with no conditions, one that is powerful enough to withstand hard times. She cannot allow herself to fully trust in your love, and she will keep parts of her heart hidden—the parts that have been hurt the most, the parts she can’t risk being hurt again when she has worked so hard to stitch them together.

She will always watch, wait and expect you to leave first. And when you don’t, she has a truth written upon her heart that says you will—it’s only a matter of time, for everyone who loves her leaves her. And so she will seek to sabotage the relationship; she will seek to destroy it, she will seek to leave first, she will seek to hurt you before you can hurt her. This is how she stays in control, this is how she survives, how she will ensure she will not get hurt again.  OMG! how many times did I think my ex was trying to sabotage the wonderful love we had and if I could just prove to him how much I loved him he would eventually relax and enjoy this special love we had.

When she wants to love you, love her.

When she wants to hurt you, love her harder. Your martyrdom will be rewarded.

Being out of control terrifies her. Don’t ever make her feel powerless, trapped or without her freedom. She needs to dance barefoot under enormous blue skies, to feel sand between her toes, to run with wolves as the wind weaves magic through her hair, for here is where her healing is found. Never clip her wings, for if she has the freedom to fly, she will always come back to you.  Never ask for faithfulness or commitment, just prove your loyalty to them and some day, maybe, your selflessness will be rewarded with their love. hahaha

Love her when it’s easy, and love her harder when it’s not.

Love her in a way that will defy all she has ever known love to be.

Love her because you understand with every fiber of your soul the gift of her love, what it has cost her to offer you her fragile heart.

She does not need you. She has chosen you.

Because you have what it takes to survive the storm.

Because even when she doesn’t know how to love, you know how to love harder.  oh yes, your special love is enough to save her from herself, to save the relationship, some day, right? right?

First of all, the person who is writing this is basically saying, “I am helpless to stop being a victim, I have no control over who hurts me or who I hurt because I am damaged goods”. They are putting their self worth and happiness into the hands of the next man who comes along. They are off the hook as far as any responsibility for whether the relationship fails or not and if the guy can’t prove he is a good guy, then it certainly isn’t her fault. If he turns out to be another narcissist and she gets hurt again, it isn’t her fault, she is totally an innocent victim. She might say that she is an open book and wears her heart on her sleeve, she can’t help it, it’s just the way she is. Sigh. Doomed to forever be the victim, why, why, why?????

None of us can be blamed for being the victim of a narcissist when we didn’t know they even existed, and I am not saying that none of us will ever fall victim to another one someday in the future. But if we cloak ourselves in victimhood, relying on anyone but ourselves to keep us safe, we set ourselves up to remain a victim time and time again. In typical victim fashion, I vowed to learn everything I could about narcissists so I could identify one before they hurt me and it scared the hell out of me how many I saw all around me. (all people have narcissistic traits, it is the degree of those traits that determine if a person is a true narcissist) but I guarantee we are all surrounded by narcissists and psychopaths. And with their ability to morph into different characters and personalities, talent for rewriting history and ease at playing the victim or the knight in shining armor make it impossible to identify most of them before its too late.

Whoever wrote this article should not be dating and falling in love, they are too damaged to enter into a healthy relationship. Sorry. That may offend someone of you but; if you are expecting someone else to fix the damage done by the narcissist, or that you have some “get out of jail free card” that allows you to mess with someone else’s heart because you got hurt; you are not ready to date.

First of all, to announce to the world that you are horribly damaged by a narcissist is  like putting a big old bullseye on yourself and saying, “Come get me”. He would love the challenge of winning your trust and then dumping you. You would not believe how many times I have had someone from the blog start dating far too soon, thinking it would heal her/him; only to have them come in crying because they had told the person how badly they had been hurt in the past, “I told them how hurt I had been and that I needed honesty and time to learn to trust again and they cheated on me. How can someone be so cruel, knowing a person has been hurt so badly?” They are forgetting that a narcissist doesn’t care how hurt you were in the past other than it gives him a perfect opportunity to suck you in by pretending to be your soulmate.

So how do you heal? how do you protect yourself?

You have to accept that the narcissist is not the first person to victimize you and tell you lies about yourself. The fact is, had you not been taught to doubt your gut instincts, had you not been told lies about who you were and that your strengths were weaknesses, you never would have been sucked into that dark vortex of narcissistic toxic love. Unfortunately not many people were nurtured and accepted exactly as you are.

I have written on this topic several times before; here is a link you might find helpful

The other thing you have to accept is; you can love someone deeply without sacrificing yourself. Yes, I know, you are sensitive, you feel things more intensely than most, you hate to see someone hurting, you want to fix things for the people you love; but that does not mean you can’t learn to love smart, stop giving trust to someone who has done nothing to earn your trust and then wait to see if they deserve it. You can learn to listen to your gut and believe that your gut never lies to you, you can not allow yourself to be pressured into a relationship too quickly. It doesn’t make it any less romantic, in fact; it should make it more intense and romantic to let the love grow naturally. The narcissist rushes you into a commitment and you allow it because you are afraid if you don’t he will find someone else. If he finds someone else that quickly and easily then there never was a deep love there and you are not really losing anything. On the other hand, by going into a relationship with the baggage from past hurts, expecting that person to accept your erratic moods and love you enough to heal you, you could very well destroy what could have been the love of your life.

You will never go wrong living true to your core self and in total honesty be the best version of you that you can be. Honor and value yourself and then you don’t have to worry about being made a victim, you can trust yourself to protect you.

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Carvidilol – One Way Ticket To Hell

This post isn’t about narcissists, it’s about the worst hell I have ever experienced.

I didn’t think there was a worse hell that what I went through after I left my ex.

For the last 6 months I have been spiralling into a black hole of depression I couldn’t claw my way out of. It started when I went to my cardiologist and he wanted to admit me to the hospital immediately and told me I could drop dead any minute. I didn’t feel he was listening to me, my mother was with me and she felt we were both pressured by the doctor. If I didn’t get a pacemaker immediately I was going to drop dead.

At that appointment he quadrupled my carvidilol dosage from 3.125 to 12.5 ml, he showed me stats that showed people who took larger doses lived longer. He said nothing about monitoring me closely or raising the dose gradually.

The pacemaker implant happened pretty quickly so when I started to feel so lousy I assumed it was from the failed attempt at implanting the pacemaker.

I have told every single doctor I speak to that I am more concerned with quality of life than quantity. I don’t think I am being negative, I am being realistic. I see no point in living a life with no enjoyment in it. I have no savings, it is impossible to live on the $610 the government expects me to live on and with them refusing to approve my disability designation, which leaves me starving, living in some low rent hell hole and well …….. I am not doing it. I was promised that with a pacemaker my quality of life would improve greatly, so I agreed. Prior to the procedure I was able to walk Stella, had some hope for some sort of future, part time work? I had a life.

But since the procedure my health, both physical and emotional; steadily spiralled down. I was having nightmares, I woke up crying every morning, I got more and more out of breath and less and less energy. My joints ached and I developed a pain in my back under my shoulder blade that took my breath away, the only relief I got was if I laid flat on my stomach, but if I laid down I couldn’t breath. I lost all motivation to do anything, I went days without showering because it just wasn’t worth the effort. My house was filthy, blogging became impossible because not only had I lost all and any of my creativity, if I sat for more than a few minutes the pain in my back became unbearable.

In October I was at my brother’s for Thanksgiving and could walk to the cabin without too much effort, a few months later at Christmas, by the time I got to the cabin or from the cabin to the house I felt like I had run a marathon; my legs were weak, I felt nauseous, dizzy and I would have to stop several times on the way. A few days ago my brother asked me to check on his boat. A year and a half ago I easily walked up and down the ramp, even moved on and off the boat but last week I had to stop 1/2 way up the ramp and didn’t think I would make it. I parked the car in the no parking space at the top of the ramp because I couldn’t make it to the car after having to climb the ramp.

It was becoming so hard to breath, last week I actually left my door unlocked at night for fear I would have to call 911 and they would need to get in. I stopped sleeping in bed because I had to prop myself up with pillows to sleep. I would take Stella to the dog park and barely make it from the car to the gate without passing out. Last week I sat on a bench and when I left I forgot her collar, leash and my reading glasses. One of the women told me everyone was saying I just wasn’t myself.

The depression was drowning me, I went to the doctor and he prescribed anti-depressants. I took them one night and they made me so nauseous I had to take a Gravol and I was still up all night thinking I was going to throw up.

On top of all that I was losing my hair by the handfuls, had chronic diarrhea to the point of not being able to leave the house for days, heart palpitations, episodes of my heart feeling like it was going to pound right out of my chest for no reason, my blood pressure dropped drastically and my heart rate went up, headaches, and depression, always a thick fog of depression hanging over me. But who wouldn’t be depressed? The doctors weren’t listening to me, and the one that did prescribed more drugs.

I felt totally alone, my son is living a 3 hour drive away and I could never have driven that distance with the back pain I was suffering and I honestly felt I could die any minute. At Christmas I truly thought it could be my last and I wanted so desperately to spend it with my son and granddaughter. He has his own life and problems without me laying my health concerns on him, yet I was feeling that time was running out. How do you explain something invisible to the eye, I stopped talking about it because I felt everyone thought I was exaggerating or a hypochondriac. I got paranoid. I sat for days on the couch, blindly watching TV (I never used to watch TV). I just hoped the next time they did my pacemaker it worked.

The second pacemaker attempt failed and I felt as if I was in some Twilight Zone episode, the doctors didn’t seem the least bit concerned when I told them I was barely hanging on physically, mentally or financially, that I had no quality of life. I can’t tell you how many times I said, “I am not concerned with the quantity of my life, I am only concerned with the quality of my life. I don’t want to live this way.” Nothing! I tried to get ahold of the doctor from the UBC Heart Team and just got the run-a-round and told they were booking in April to test my defibrillator and discuss the next steps with the pacemaker issue. My worst nightmare, be given a drug that stole all my pleasure in life, unable to get the pacemaker that would improve my life and yet stuck with a defibrillator that will keep me alive. That is like the cruelest thing you can do to a person.

Then I Google “side effects of Carvidilol” and this is what I found.

Patients should be closely monitored when prescribed this medication or when increasing the dosage.

The patient should contact the physician immediately if they experience any of these Side Effects:

chest – pain, discomfort, tightness or heaviness
Dizziness, lightheadedness, fainting
Hair loss
Heart Failure (I love this one! seeing as they prescribed it because I have heart failure)
Shortness of breath, difficulty breathing
low heartbeat, fast or irregular heart beat
Loss of appetite, weight gain
Anxiety, depression
back pain on right side, arm, jaw pain
Coma, confusion, convulsions, loss of sight, inability to speak
Knee, ankle, joint pain
increased blood pressure, large amount of cholesterol in blood (I haven’t checked mine, but I would imagine had a doctor been monitoring my condition my blood would have been checked)
mental depression (yes it is mentioned more than once)
nervousness, nightmares,
noisy rattling breathing, ears pounding, rapid breathing (at the time that I Googled it I was struggling to get enough oxygen and that is why I was not able to sleep, because I had to labor to breath)
Hypoglycemia
Sudden and severe inability to speak
Weakness in arms and legs
Sores, ulcers, white spots, in mouth, loosening of teeth. (I have had sores in my mouth and now I have literally lost a chunk of my gum)

Then I found a site called “Askapatient” and found hundreds of comments saying “Do not take this drug” “This drug has ruined my life” Far too many to put here.

So in light of everything I have cut back on the dosage back to about 3.125 and it has been 4 days and I am already feeling SO much better. The pain in my back was gone the first day, I haven’t cried in 4 days, my breathing is better and I am able to sleep. I went to my brother’s boat and made it up the ramp without stopping.

I am hopeful that the longer I am off it the better I am going to feel and if I drop dead of a heart attack because I stopped taking it, so be it. Like I said, I am not worried about quantity, give me quality of life.!

I have been approached by another website that wants to feature my writing, I know I could write a book, everyone has suggestions on how I could make money but it has been a big enough struggle to just make it through the day. I have never experienced anything like it in my life. I was depressed after I left my ex but I was able to work and I just forced myself to get out there and work. I had horrible days of sitting, reminding myself to breath, wishing I would die, but still able to support myself and pull myself out of the black hole I was in. This………. this has been something way worse. I can’t adequately describe what it has been like.

I am feeling so much better and I am hoping soon I will find my motivation again. I have to be patient seeing as I was on the stronger dose of carvidilol for 6 months, it is not going to be an instant recovery from the effects.

I am going to try to be around more and I apologize to those of you who have reached out for help and I was unable to be there for you and I want to say a big thank you to all the people who have kept the blog going with your love and support of each other.

 

 

 

Valentine’s Day Post 3 Days Late

I honestly started this post in plenty of time to publish it before Valentine’s Day but my health has not been great this winter and there are times I don’t get off the couch all day because I can’t sit without severe pain in my back. So here it is, better late than never I suppose.

Some of you are obsessing about all the wonderfully romantic things you envision your ex doing for his new “soul mate”, others are still with the narcissist and have either been disappointed yet again because you didn’t get so much as a card or he didn’t even come home. Let’s face it, no one can ruin a special occasion like a narcissist!

Then there are those of you who feel they have wasted the best years of their life, that it is so unfair that he has moved on to a new love while you are still feeling so broken and wondering if you can ever trust again, ever love again.

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat,

  • He has NOT gone on to love again……… he never loved you, he has never loved anyone, not you, not the women before you and not the women who will come after you. He is incapable of love, he is only capable of acting like he is in love in order to hook his victims.

The second thing we need to discuss is the trust issue

You do not have to learn to trust men again, that really was not the problem. If you insist on making it the problem you will never be able to relax and enjoy a healthy relationship. As much as I do not believe in victim blaming there comes a point when we have to take responsibility for our own happiness. If we throw our hands in the air and say, “He lied to me! what could I do? what if the next man lies to me? ” we are forever at the mercy of every asshole that comes our way.

Sure there are tell tale signs of a narcissist but many women don’t seem to learn that a narcissist is always nice in the beginning, he always presents himself as your soul mate and always falls madly in love and can’t get enough of you, so they get involved with narcissist after narcissist, always lamenting the same thing;

“He was so into me, I was the best most perfect woman he had ever met, I didn’t chase him, I told him I had been hurt in the past and honesty was important to me and he lied!! How could he hurt me knowing I had been hurt in the past?”

Things you can do to avoid getting hurt by another narcissist.

Please note – no one is a narcissist magnet, narcissists are everywhere and everyone the narcissist meets is assessed on whether they are of some use or value to him/her. Narcissists do not confine their abuse to romantic partners, and because they morph into whatever the woman wants, they do not have a “type” they are attracted to. (I always felt special, that he would never find a woman more well suited to him, until he left his Plenty of Fish account open on my laptop and I read the profiles of the women he had on his “Favorites List”.  I couldn’t understand why he would pursue women he had nothing in common with. I now know why.)

When I first left my ex it seemed I was meeting narcissists at every corner, they were everywhere! For one thing you are super aware and sensitive in the beginning and you are one of the “walking wounded”, narcissists zero in on the wounded and will present themselves as your knight in shining armor; that is why it is best to not even think about dating for a couple of years. If the thought of not dating for a couple of years gives you a panic attack, for sure you should not be dating!! You have put far too much importance on being part of a couple.

  1. Stop doing things because you are afraid that if you don’t, he will find someone else. This includes sleeping with him too soon but also little compromises that tell him you don’t respect yourself so why should he.
  2. When you make the man that important to you, you immediately put yourself at a disadvantage and him in control of the relationship and your happiness.
  3. Stop viewing every guy you date in terms of “Is this the one?” So many women are so concerned with finding someone to love them that they totally ignore that the guy is nothing like a man they would be happy with long term. They immediately try to be the woman he wants instead of just being themselves and seeing if there is a true connection there.
  4. Stop falling into bed with the guy on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date; you may think you can handle casual sex but men and women are not made the same. There is a natural chemical reaction when a woman has sex, the act of having sex releases chemicals in the woman that cause her to become more forgiving, less cautious and more trusting. Men have sex and go to sleep, wake up and think, “I had sex” the woman wakes up and wonders if he will call her again, how to let him know she likes him without appearing too needy, and worries about being rejected. If you do fall into bed with him, don’t beat yourself up, realize you are going to feel more needy for a while and wait it out, take a step back and let yourself feel the feelings without acting on them.
  5. So how do we protect ourselves? Stop giving trust to people who haven’t earned it. We are so quick to trust and then wait to see if he gives us reason to not trust him. That is backwards, it is crazy to blindly trust someone we don’t know, hold back, let him prove he is trustworthy. “But I don’t want to get hurt.” You can not be hurt if you let things play out in their own time. You may be disappointed to find out he is not what he say he is but you will not be devastated because you had put all your trust in him and he abused it. To expect someone to earn your trust is not selfish, it is smart.
  6. When I started dating my ex I made the conscious decision that I was just going to have sex with him. (I didn’t know about the chemical thing back then and really, I was in my 40’s and a big girl, why couldn’t I have casual sex? He was so damn sexy! but I was not that into him other than that at first). I had never liked a guy who was too clingy or demanding of my time but I had been told by my mother, girlfriends, and some guys that I was too independent and didn’t give “nice guys” a chance, so when my ex started calling too many times a day I didn’t dump him like my stomach wanted me too.
    The first real date we had I met him at his place and he barely let me get through the door before he was taking my clothes off and leading me into the bedroom. I quite literally felt like walking out and told him so, in the past I would have walked out but I wanted to be nice. My gut kept telling me to just walk away from him, long before anything ever really went wrong or before he ever got strange.  We lived an hour apart and I didn’t want an “every night” relationship. In the past I hadn’t had an ‘in your back pocket” relationship, I had dated guys from out of town that I saw every weekend, or local guys who I saw on the weekends but week nights were reserved for my son, I worked full time, I had to get home to make supper, clean house, spend time with my kid and when my ex called every night and wanted me to go down to his place I would decline but he would pressure me, have some excuse why I needed to come “just this once”. and I allowed him to pressure me into seeing him.
    He was so into me, cried when he said he loved me, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
    But almost right from the first few dates I felt like pulling away and I allowed myself to be manipulated.
  7. In a normal relationship there are periods of adjustment, traits or habits that surface that may bother one or the other person. This is the getting to know each other stage, the time when you decide whether this is actually a person worth investing in. Let’s be realistic here, you can be extremely attracted to someone right from day one but we are ALL on our best behavior when we first meet someone, you are, I am, we all are; the narcissist is a totally different person! In a normal relationship you may eventually discover that you are just not a good match and go your separate ways. It may be the other person’s choice and you may get hurt feelings but you will survive and go on to love again. Not every one you love is going to love you back, that does not make them a narcissist!

The way to protect yourself is to remain in the here and now, believe your gut when it tells you something is not right, you don’t have to make a decision right away to commit to  him or to leave him, just keep your feet on the ground and don’t allow yourself to drift into fantasyland. He is not prince charming and you are not going to cure him with your magical love.

I did date a narcissist the first (and only) time I have dated since leaving my ex. I did what most victims of a narc do when they start to date again, I told the new guy how badly I had been hurt, how I wanted to take it slow, how I needed honesty, etc and he was SO understanding and thought I was so strong, he cooked me lovely dinners, he did wonderful things for me, he loved everything about me, I got a text every night from him saying good night and every morning I got a “have a great day, Babe.” text and my stomach was screaming to be careful. But I didn’t know if I was just being too sensitive, reading things into it that weren’t there, being paranoid, I enjoyed the attention but I was feeling pressured. I just kept a mental note of things that didn’t sit right with me and I kept my head in reality, took my time and guess what? It didn’t take long and one day I arrived unannounced at his place to find a woman there. I had suspected and was proven right. I handed her the key to his place and said, “You’ll be needing this.” and I walked out.

I did tell him what I thought of him a few days later and to be honest I shed a few tears. But it was only a few, and only for one day and I was over it. I had not invested in the relationship, not in a big way and it was so much easier to walk away, I was not shattered by it. In fact, the experience showed me that my gut instincts could be trusted and I was capable of detecting a narcissist and protecting myself and my heart.

I’m Rubber, You Are Glue

trump-glue

Remember back in grade school some smart ass kid that made your life hell and when you told him what you thought of him, he would sing, “I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” or another favorite was, “I know you are but what am I?”

As a young child you would get angry, perhaps cry,maybe even hit the other child and defend yourself. But no matter what you said nothing fazed the kid, he always had a come back, laugh, and when you tried the same lines, they just didn’t work for you, his words still hurt.

Fortunately most kids grow up and develop empathy and communication skills. We certainly aren’t expecting to have to deal with that kind of childish taunting as an adult but we found ourselves feeling just like we did as a child in the playground, frustrated, helpless to defend ourselves, crying, with our tormentor laughing at us, taunting us.

If you are still with the narcissist you probably haven’t figured out that; trying to reason with a narcissist, defending ourselves, or trying to make a narcissist admit any fault in the relationship is futile and will result in it bouncing off him and sticking to you. You accuse him of cheating, eventually he will accuse you, tell him he is a narcissist and he will research it and accuse you of all the traits of a narcissist; you may not believe it now because you are still thinking he/she is a normal person and eventually you will get through to them.

Trust me that you are not thinking clearly right now. This kind of gaslighting will drive the most sane person crazy. I can’t say I blame you because there is no way anyone could have convinced me he would turn against me the way my ex did. Deep down, through it all I truly felt there was a deep love for me buried inside him that he was terrified to admit or at the very least he had a conscience and could never lie about me so blatantly. I admit I felt superior to him because I was faithful and honest; he was the one screwing up the relationship, there was no way I could be blamed for the relationship failing.

Then came the day when he told me he’d had enough and it was over.

I said, “YOU’VE had enough??? enough what?”

He looked at me with disgust and said, “This”

I was furious, “You’ve had enough of this????? I have been faithful, I have been honest, you are the one who screwed around, you are the one who didn’t come home at night, who lied…….not me!”

He looked at me over his glasses and sneered when he asked, “And what did you do????”

Looking him right in the eyes, I was indignant, “I stayed.”

He spit out “Exactly” before he went back to reading his magazine and I stood there trying to absorb the enormity of three words. “I stayed” and “Exactly“.

It took a few months before I finally moved out, even though my ex said, “I don’t want you to be homeless so you can stay.” For whatever reason my biggest fear had always been being homeless and of course he knew that but I also knew that if I stayed it would be the death of me.

I had suspected he was cutting me down to his work mates but I had always conducted myself with class, honesty, hard work and wasn’t concerned with what he told his buddies. What I had not counted on and sadly underestimated was his vindictiveness and his ability to lie straight faced and be believed. He knew that all he had to do was put doubt into people’s minds, make a few anonymous phone calls, and act like an unwilling victim. It made me sick how he could play the victim, I had seen him do it with me about other people and now I knew he was doing it about me.

It took me a painfully long time to figure out that any one who decided they were going to “remain neutral” was not a friend of mine. I had never had a relationship where friends had to choose, I had never had a relationship end where I couldn’t remain friendly with my ex and I didn’t want to appear unkind or vindictive but I was constantly being put in the position of defending myself. What worked against me was the fact that I had remained loyal to him and not told people what was going on behind closed doors so when I defended myself to his accusations it all sounded like sour grapes. He had already told everyone I was a liar and crazy and I had stayed for 10 years and not said a word, so of course no one believed me. If it was that bad why did I stay, why didn’t I complain to anyone about him? call the police, go back time after time?

I kept thinking, he stole my identity! he had totally reversed roles and taken mine! He even used my own lines on me! Lines like:

“I can’t just shut off my feelings after we have a fight an pretend nothing happened.”

“Try putting yourself in the new girlfriend’s position, how would you like it if I was seeing an ex girlfriend?”

“She kept saying no one would love me like she did.”

“I am afraid of what you are going to do next.”

“She is trying to ruin my life, get me fired, destroy me.”

“She keeps trying to cause trouble in my life, destroying property, stealing from me etc”

It was infuriating to be accused of exactly what he was doing to me! but I knew the more I denied it the guiltier I looked. It was like entering the twilight zone. I had a couple of “friends” who insisted on telling me how happy he was with his new woman and all the things he was saying about me and what I was doing. It didn’t matter that I told them I didn’t want to hear it, they wanted to hear my explanation or defense against what he was saying, and I did play the game for awhile, until I realized that I didn’t need a friend who doubted my character and would listen to the shit my ex was spreading. I knew he was using them as a pawn to hurt me and to destroy my good reputation. Something I learned from being with my ex is; if a lie is told enough times to the right people, it becomes a fact in people’s minds. It’s a rather interesting phenomenon witnessed during the Trump campaign

That is when I decided the only thing I could control was how I conducted my life, I couldn’t anticipate what he would do next, I could only live honestly and true to my morals and principles AND cut all toxic  people from my life and keep trying to be the best version of me I can be.

When I started looking for answers about 2 years into the relationship there wasn’t a lot of information out there. In fact 6 years ago when I started the blog there still wasn’t much information out there, I did a lot of research and from sharing my own experiences and listening to the stories of thousands of women and men, I consider myself to be a bit of a layman expert and I will continue to spread the word about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, or whatever label you want to give these soul sucking vampires. I am here to tell you that any attempt to make the narcissist admit his mistreatment of you or feel any morsel of guilt or remorse, is not going to happen. In fact, anything you say will bounce off him and stick to you.

 

 

Happy New Year, Welcome 2017!

 

welcome-2017I am not a big fan of new year resolutions, never have been, never made one that I kept; so I stopped making them years ago. This year I am not making new year resolutions but I AM making new year intentions. 

I think resolutions put a lot of pressure on us and we set ourselves up to fail, whereas, intentions mean you are going to try to make some changes. I used to diet, a lot! and the minute I decided I was never going to eat chocolate cake again all I could think about was chocolate cake.

I never did say “I will never speak to my ex again”, it was too final, too “over”, too much for my heart to bare. Just thinking I would never talk to him again made me want to call.
I did it hour by hour, day by day, and the longer I went without contacting him the more I didn’t want to contact him because he always made me feel bad and I wanted to feel good. I knew any “high” I got from contact with him would dissipate quickly with the end result of me crying and being hurt, filled with self doubt, so now it has been 5 years and I would be hard pressed to come up with the day of our last contact.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with life and what works for them, I share my experience and thoughts in hope they help others, whether it’s to learn from my mistakes or my successes makes no difference, as long as something is learned and beneficial to someone.

Even though I don’t make resolutions I do evaluate the passing year/s and think about what I want to accomplish in the coming year. Years fly by so quickly now, I find it is easy to have them slip by and before you know it 10 years have gone by and you have changed or done nothing yet aren’t happy. As in the 10 years I stayed with the narcissist.

My ex used to quote Oprah and Dr Phil as proof he was so enlightened, using the experts to prove his point, he especially liked “You can’t change anyone else, you can only change yourself” or in other words, “If you want someone to change you have to change yourself.” Which is correct but not in the way he meant it to. What it means is; if you don’t like the way someone treats you, you can only change how you deal with it, which could very well mean you have to walk away. I also believe we teach people how to treat us; no we don’t teach them to abuse us but by allowing it and forgiving time after time, we are teaching them that they can do whatever they want and we will always forgive them. Sometimes we have to walk away. I know I forgave my ex because I was afraid if I didn’t I would lose him, but what was I losing? I could explain until I was blue in the face why his actions hurt me and nothing changed.

I was tagged in a Facebook post during the holidays that got me really thinking, well the holidays really had me thinking about my life, my attitude, my people skills. The person was angry, hurting and saying that a positive attitude does not fix everything. I don’t recall ever saying it did and I don’t think I am an overly positive person; but then, that can be how you look at it. I told my brother that someone thought I was too positive, he laughed and said, “You aren’t positive at all!” Which was just as offensive as being told I am too positive. But my brother really has not paid much attention to my life either, he doesn’t know what I have been through, where I have lived, my struggles; only what my mother has told him and that thought is scary because my mom has some pretty far out views and misconceptions, if she even listens to what you are saying before she is telling you what you did wrong or need to do to change things.

As some of you may know, I spent Christmas at my brother’s with my son, mother, step dad, etc. I noticed something happening even prior to Christmas that I didn’t like and didn’t know how to handle which has motivated one of my intentions for 2017. All families have a way of interacting that is pretty ingrained, which isn’t a bad thing if it is healthy, but I find myself getting very upset and offended. I know my brother and son love me and don’t mean to hurt me and I have no desire to start a fight with either of them. I don’t want to get into a debate about what they said or meant by what they said and I know it will end up with them telling me I am too sensitive and me removing myself from the situation. I want to have a relationship with my son and brother that we all enjoy, I want them to enjoy spending time with me and I most definitely want to enjoy my time with them. Which is not the way things are now.

I am sure they would both deny it but I feel they treat me like I am stupid, it feels to me that everything I say is met with an argument and I get sick of it and when I defend myself I am told I am looking for a fight. For example: I mentioned that while we lived in Clearwater the 4 dogs were really good at dinner time and would sit and wait for their dinner. My son laughed and said “No way!!” he insisted there was always a fighting amongst the dogs at meal time. I ended up text messaging the girl that owned the boys and asking her what meal time was like. My son wanted to know why it was so important to me that I was right that I had to message her, my question is “Why was it so important to him to contradict me to the point I felt I had to prove my point?”

I can laugh at myself as well as anyone but when it is a constant barrage of insults, arguments and little jabs, I lose my sense of humor. There was a cougar hanging around the house and I was nervous to walk with Stella to the cabin late at night, I believe rightfully so considering there were cougar prints outside the cabin door in the morning but the guys laughed at me and said I was over reacting. But I left and my nephew stayed in the cabin and they gave him a shotgun to pack when he walked to the cabin. Not that I wanted a shotgun, I just wanted to be walked to the cabin and not laughed at.

I ended up being very quiet and doing a lot of writing and thinking. There were other things that happened, nothing major but I want my relationships to be the best they can be and confrontation rarely works.

When I got home and checked my email and there was a course being offered, something like, “Getting rid of bad Family Karma”, it costs $25 us, and I immediately paid for it (thanks to some donations I received before Christmas). I haven’t started the course yet but will share what I learn as I go. I also bought a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer “Intentions” and am looking forward to reading what he has to say.

Maybe all your relationships with your family and friends have been smooth and wonderfully fulfilling and rewarding and the narcissist was the only one who ever hurt you and that you had problems with but I can’t say that and I don’t many people can. I believe that you can study the traits of a narcissist and not be safe from getting involved with another one. Your best chance of not getting sucked in by another narcissist is by changing how you communicate and how you deal with other people.

Plus I believe there is a tendency for a victim of a narcissist to see narcissistic traits in almost everyone or to second guess themselves when they do meet a narcissist and question whether they are just being too sensitive because of their experience with the narcissist.

I vowed a long time ago to just be honest with my feelings and not try to guess what people mean or why they act the way they do, to take things at face value and not assign feelings to people that they may not be feeling. But when it comes to the people we love it is not so easy. I hope to grow in this area in 2017.

Another intention I have for 2017 is to become more regimented as far as doing posts for the blog and pursuing other avenues and platforms for my activism, hopefully some that will bring in some regular income.

So……. all that said, my Intentions for 2017 are in many ways the same ones I had last year, to grow and become a better person; grow, improve and continue to help people through my blog and most importantly improve my relationship with my son by changing how I interact with him.

What are your intentions for 2017?

Many of you may think that 2016 was one of the worst years for you but I think it is one of your best years, because you did something for yourself and you grew as a person.

Remember in 2017 to look forward and not back.

Merry Christmas and New Year Resolutions

I am with my family at my brother’s but I wanted to take a minute to say Merry Christmas to you all and give a few words of encouragement to those of you who are having a terrible day and feeling lonely. I CAN relate and I can assure you that you will get through this and things will get better.merry-christmas-images-knvirlmt

My ex and I split at the end of November and were still very much in contact that first Christmas. He, in typical narcissist fashion had been bitching to all his friends about how badly I treated him and he had invitations for Christmas day. I, on the other hand had moved into a stranger’s trailer (a friend of a friend who worked out of town and was only home for a couple of weeks at Christmas and again in spring), my mother wasn’t talking to me, and my son lived in another province. I was not invited to attend the family Christmas dinner, I was broke, heart broken, and thought surely I would run out of tears soon, no one could possibly cry that much. I would sit and stare into space forgetting to blink, I thought maybe I could forget to breath and die, but no such luck.

Sometimes I forget how far I have come since then, some of the things I have accomplished.

I strongly advise any recent victims of narcissistic abuse to start a journal, if you are still with the narcissist even better. Make sure you don’t let the narcissist know you are writing a journal because he will read it and the less he knows the better. There is a tendency for the victim to want the narcissist to know how much he is hurting them in hopes he will feel bad. Because they know how badly they would feel if they found out they were hurting someone as much as you are hurting, but you have to remember that the narcissist does not hurt and gets off on your pain.

Journal so you can look back and remember how bad it was and how no matter how many things you tried you could never make him happy. So when the new year comes and you are filled with self doubt you can read how you kept repeating history over and over again like GroundHog Day and nothing ever changed.

If you are with the narcissist, he has undoubtedly ruined another celebration and you are crying and alone, didn’t get any gifts, ended up being told it was all your fault he is miserable or he didn’t show up for dinner at all. I remember one Thanksgiving my ex stayed in bed all day, another Thanksgiving he showed up hours late after we head off eating for 2 hours waiting for him because he didn’t answer his phone. There were the Christmas’s we were supposed to go to his family and never got there, no turkey, no gifts, and he never even called to tell them we weren’t coming and they would wait until they couldn’t wait any longer for us to walk through the door. They eventually stopped asking us and I eventually stopped expecting to celebrate any special occasions.

When we split and he was the life of the party with invitations to numerous houses for dinner, it was easy to feel miserable. Here I was, the one who had always made Christmas so special, who decorated the whole house and baked for months prior to Christmas, sitting home alone.

Things have never been the same since. That is one thing you really must accept, you will never go back to your “old self”, with work on your part, you will be a new and improved version of yourself. I have found that Christmas is overrated, what matters is how people treat you all year long. Most people are not having a Brady Bunch, Ozzie and Harriet Christmas.  The people who matter are the ones who cherish you all year long and when you start cherishing yourself, the people who don’t treat you well won’t matter.

I still love Christmas, but I almost prefer to be alone and celebrate time with my family all through the year.

I hope that you all got through the day ok, it is almost over and tomorrow is another day.

You have all been on my mind.

Lets all look forward to the new year with a positive attitude and determined to be the best we can be.

 

 

 

 

Update And A Plea

I think the last time I asked for donations was last year this time or shortly after Christmas, when I had to move back to the coast.

I am not even going to beat around the bush, I am in big trouble financially, or I would never ask for help.

The longer a person is on welfare the deeper they get until there is no where to go. I have applied for disability and been denied again, it was the last time I could dispute my being denied so now if I want to apply I have to start all over with a new application.

I get $610 a month to live on and that includes $375 for rent. There is no place for rent for $375 and I am lucky to get the basement where I am living, it is the friend of my mom’s and that is the only reason I am allowed. There is no kitchen but at least it is warm and dry, I have the internet and cablevision. It is not a good location and I need my car because it is hilly , so even if I want to take Stella for a walk I have to drive somewhere. Consequently she is getting quite fat. I feel bad, she need a lot more exercise but my heart just does not allow me to walk hills.

The surgery they screwed up took a toll on my health and I have never fully recovered, I was feeling not too badly before the surgery but now I have dizzy spells, my heart races for no reason and I will feel like I am going to pass out. They are going to try again on January 9th to hook up the wires to the pacemaker, I am very hesitant but have no choice if I want any kind of life. It is almost a cruel joke that they got the wire for the defibrillator hooked up and not the pacemaker, I won’t die but I can’t live a life worth living. If I try to work I will have a heart attack but my defibrillator will shock me and keep me alive anyway.

I have sunk into a depression I haven’t been able to battle my way out of. Try as I might I struggle just to get through the day. I haven’t been doing many posts because I just can’t get motivated. I am hoping that the surgery on January 9th will be a success and I will be able to work again, but in the mean time I am being sent to collections because I couldn’t pay off Stella’s vet bill from when she swallowed the fishing hook and I just discovered they bounced my car insurance a couple of days ago. $72 for insurance for the month and the insurance place charges $18 on NSF payments and the bank charged me $48. It bounced last month too but my son sent me money to cover it. I guess because I paid the other one late I forgot about this month but I didn’t have the money anyway.

If you are new to the blog you don’t know the struggles I have had with my health and finances for 6 years.

If you have been helped by the blog and have the means to help out I would be forever grateful. If you have donated before, please do not feel pressured to give again, it seems it i always the same few people who send me donations.

I have over 2500 followers, if everyone gave a dollar I would be laughing, but that is not likely, if half gave $5, that would be all my prayers answered.

I know times are tough and I hate to even ask.