Category Archives: Recovering After Leaving a Narcissist

What a person goes through after leaving a narcissist relationship

Are You a Narcissist Magnet?

This is an answer I gave on Quora a couple of years ago and it’s still getting upvotes so i thought I share it here.

No one is a magnet for narcissists, everyone has them in their life at some time or another. And meeting a narcissist doesn’t have to be devastating.

The whole problem comes when the intended target stays too long in the relationship, not that the target was targetted.

For example: about a year after leaving my ex I met a guy who seemed really interested in me. I was afraid of getting hurt again and was totally honest with him about being abused, scarred and cautious about getting involved. (For some reason I thought if I was honest he would go, “oh shit! She been hurt before so I better not hurt her”. )

He said we could just be friends, he cooked me dinners, loved my dogs, did special little things for me, text every night and morning just to say have a nice day Babe, he told me how much he respected me. My gut kept telling me something wasn’t right, I told myself I was just paranoid. I eventually had sex with him. A short time later something told me to show up unannounced at his place, he had given me a key to his place.

Well, wouldn’t you know he had another woman there. I gave her the key to his place and said, “You’ll be needing this”, called him an asshole and left.

For awhile I was devastated. Woe is me, taken in by another narcissist. How could I ever trust again?? Protect myself? I had even told him I had been abused, why would he hurt me?!

Well, first of all; an asshole doesn’t care you’ve been hurt before and a normal nice guy would probably run to the hills if a woman told him she was terribly scarred and didn’t trust anyone. What normal healthy person wants a partner who is packing a bunch of baggage?

Then I realized I wasn’t a victim at all. My gut had been telling me all along something was wrong but I didn’t listen. This just proved to me that I should trust my gut instincts.

And I stayed away. I never dated him again and when he jumped in my car and was complaining that the new woman had caught him with another woman and trashed his place and he had to call the cops, I laughed out loud and said, Karma’s a bitch eh? Cry to someone else.”

The narcissist only takes what we willingly give.

The problem alot of victims have is they expect a another man to fix the damage done by the narcissist. The narcissist destroyed their self confidence, criticized them and they couldn’t do anything right.

They meet another narcissist and in typical narcissist fashion they flatter the new target, she is the sexiest, she is the woman he’s looked for his whole life. Everything about her is perfect. The victim feels reborn! Beautiful, sexy, loved!!, Special!! Healed!

And then it happens, the mask drops and omg! Her prince charming is a narcissist!! How did that happen? They are shattered, devastated, and the cycle continues.

How do you break that cycle? By not dating for a long while, not relying on anyone else for your happiness or worth.

Start living true to your core self, don’t compromise your values, morals, or standards for anyone. Walk away when they don’t treat you respectfully. Stop trying to be the type of woman the man wants and worry more about if the man is someone u need in your life.

I have no desire to date anyone, not because I am afraid of getting hurt, not because I hate men, not because I don’t have men interested. The reason I don’t want to date is, I love my life, I love my freedom, and I don’t want any man to disrupt my serenity. I don’t want to share or compromise. I don’t want to consider someone else when I make plans or decide to spontaneously go somewhere. It would take a very special man to change my mind, and that’s the way it should be.

Sure I miss male company but not enough to sacrifice what I have.

But I don’t need a man to make me whole, or to give me value. Too many women will settle for any man just to not be alone. They feel worthless unless they have a man.

Bullshit!

Getting Back In The Dating Pool

I always advise waiting at least a year, or more, before even thinking about dating again, and the victim of narc abuse should take time to heal before they jump back into the dating pool.

The saying, “The best way to get over a guy, is to get under another guy” may work with some relationships but a break up with a narc is a totally different ball game.

If you don’t take the time to heal, you end up carrying a bunch of baggage into the next relationship. Packing alot of painful baggage, which includes; low self esteem, suspicion, paranoia, defensiveness, sensitivity, and anger, is a guarantee you will either:

A. Scare away a decent guy

B. Attract another narcissist

This Mathew Hussey video explains it in a way that makes sense.

You think you are just “being honest”, “protecting yourself”, being proactive, and taking control of your life and happiness. When in actual fact, advertising you have been hurt in the past is not going to make an asshole think, “Oh gee, this girls been hurt in the past, I better not date her because I don’t want to hurt her” , she’s been hurt too much already.”

Narcissists get off deception, hooking the victim, destroying their victim and discarding her.

A good guy doesn’t want to pay for the sins of the last half dozen guys who hurt you. He doesn’t want to deal with your fears, suspicions, jealousy, and anger. And why should he have to tolerate your baggage and insecurities. No one likes drama, narcissists thrive on it, you have gotten so accustomed to drama in your life, until you are healed, you will create drama just because it’s been part of your life for so long and you have come to expect it. The narcissist was so deceptive, a pathological liar, cheater, and manipulative; you didn’t know what to trust. So the next guy acts totally normal and is being honest, yet ends up defending himself, jumping through hoops and dealing with drama trying to prove he is not like your ex. Hardly fair, right?

Watch this video before heading back into the world of dating.

https://fb.watch/v/1cr-m8pcf/

Learning To Live A Life Worth Living

I have said it before, to you, to the doctors and nurses, to my friends and family; quality of life is far more important to me than quantity of life.

Once again, I had the opportunity to ponder this belief, as I lay on the floor of my living room, with the 911 operator telling me help was on the way and I was telling him I didn’t think I was going to live much longer.

You see, ever since I got the vaccine I have not felt well and exactly two weeks after getting the Pfizer vaccine, I collapsed, breaking my ankle in the process. My implanted defibrillator jump started my heart, but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breath, I was barely able to crawl to my phone and call 911.

It turns out the Pfizer vaccine has been causing heart failure in mostly young men. In my mind, if it causes heart inflammation and failure in young men; what does it do to the heart of middle aged woman who already has heart failure? I was feeling great, I get the vaccine; against my better judgement, and almost immediately felt like crap and like my heart was failing again.

The only thing I could think of while laying on my floor was telling my son I love him and then to call my dog to my side, so the EMT could get in and to keep her calm. I wasn’t afraid of dying at all, I could die tomorrow with no regrets. What scares me, is not having any quality of life.

What really pisses me off is; a few years ago I was at the lowest point in my life. I can’t imagine getting much lower, sick with heart failure and given no more than 6 months to live, living in my car, struggling to survive on $600/month welfare, my ex stalking me and trying to get me evicted, arrested and fired.

I had over come all of it!!

My life was going great. No big ups, but no big downs, I love my trailer. I was making enough money to do the things I wanted, maintain my car and home, never worried about where I was going to get groceries. I was able to buy gifts for loved ones, and give to those in need. I had my dream job and got accolades daily at work. I had free reign over all the garden design of a 55 acres golf course, and had completed all the design and planting, and was doing the final finishing touches just as the 2021 season begins.

I have committed to having my grand daughter come to stay with me in less than 2 weeks. I have a standard transmission on my car, I live in a rather remote area. I was planning on having money to entertain her with. Hell, I was going to have enough money to skirt my trailer before winter, I need a new phone. I had spent money I haven’t made yet.

What really pisses me off is having my whole life ripped out from under me again and being totally helpless to do a damn thing about it, and my gut had been screaming at me to not get the fucking vaccine!

So, what does this have to do with a narcissist and living my best life? When you are looking at the end of your life and have very precious limited time on this earth, you don’t want to waste the time you have on things that don’t really matter.

Near death puts things into perspective. I regret all the hours, days, weeks and years I wasted trying to be what some man wanted. How many tears have I wasted on men who didn’t give a shit?

I wasted years after I left the narcissist just obsessing about what he was doing and with who. Years being angry.

It has taken me literally years to put my life back together. I have worked SO hard on myself, on being the best version of me that I can be.

This triggers me back 10 years to when my ex was promising to fix my work truck (that he had broken to begin with) and he played this sadistic power game of promising to fix it over and over again, only to not do it. Or when I would get up for work and he would have done something to my truck and this feeling of defeat would envelop me. I had to turn my feelings off completely in order to not have a complete break down. I feel that now. I have to surrender, throw up my hands and give up the battle, or have a complete break down.

I get pissed off at women who are so wrapped up in their relationship with a narcissist that they are wasting their lives. I want to grab them and shake them; scream at them, “Time is so precious! Wake up and appreciate all that you have, before it’s gone!”

I know a 24 yr old single mom who recently left a narcissist, she is already dating a sweetheart of a guy. But she’s going to lose him, because he IS healthy and has no desire to fix anyone. He is encouraging her to pursuit her education, better herself, be independent, and expects nothing from her. And she expects nothing from herself. She relies on him to make her feel good about herself. She isn’t ready to grow up and do what needs to be done to grow as a person and protect herself, better herself and have a healthy relationship.

She is relying on the sweetheart of a guy to play the daddy role already, and he has kids of his own. She is more focussed on getting her ego boosted with seductive photos and duck-faced selfies, instead of self reflection and getting to know herself and being the best version of herself.

Plus she is trying to make her ex feel bad, jealous, or realize he made a mistake. What she doesn’t realize is, he does.not.care, and her plastering that her new boyfriend is “daddy” is only making her look bad and proving what he claims; she is being a vindictive bitch alienating his daughter from him. She is making his court case for him.

Like it or not, it’s time to put her big girl panties on and face reality. She is in control of her destiny, no one else, and she is in danger of repeating history.

Maybe 24 is simply to young to “get” it. Maybe she has to repeat history a few more times before the light goes on. It’s sad.