Common Expressions of a Narcissist

Here are a few expressions commonly used by a narcissist. Please feel free to add any you might have in the comment section.

“I don’t know what to say about that”
When he knows he should be showing an emotion but because he doesn’t feel the same as everyone else.

“There are many types of love, the love I have for you is different”
When he is caught saying I love you to another woman.

“They can’t believe their good fortune to finally have someone there who knows what they are doing, it’s going to take me a while to straighten up the mess from the last guy”
(Every time he gets a new job)

“I had them eating out of my hands.”
(Believes in manipulating others to create results).

“You didn’t let me finish what I was saying.”
(After verbally maiming and then pretending there was more to say)

“Just because I didn’t do what you wanted when you wanted it.”
(A justification for receptively breaking promises)

“Just because I didn’t say what you wanted to hear.”
(A justification for verbal abuse)

“You’re the only person who misunderstands what I say”

“You’re to sensitive, over-emotional, paranoid.”
(Same as above)

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, you can’t repeat what I said 5 minutes ago”
(No matter what you say they said they will disagree)

“I’m sorry, what more do you want from me, I can never make you happy no matter what I do.”
(Followed by justifications for the behaviour with body language that is clearly not aligned with an apology)

“How many times do I have to say I’m sorry.”
(Followed by repetitive unacceptable behaviour)

“Why do you have to live in the past?”
(Followed by repetitive unacceptable behaviour)

“What about your issues?”
(When failing to take responsibility for unacceptable behaviour)

“You make me behave like this, I am only reacting to your actions”
(Same applies for above)

“You’re the only person in the world I have these problems with.”
(Same applies for above)

“I can’t live with your dysfunctional perceptions”

“Why would I want to; come home, answer the phone, do something nice for you, (fill in the blank) when you act like this?”(Diverting blame)

Uses “loop hole” statements, such as:
“I *think* I’m falling in love with you” (he didn’t say he does love you)
“I *could* do this or that” (later he can say I said I could not that I would)
“*If* I asked you to marry me would you?” ( he didn’t ask)
“What size is your ring finger?”
(How you interpret that is not his fault)

“You act like my mother,” or, “You’re a control freak.”
(When asked for the truth or trustworthy / accountable behaviour)

“You know I hate conflict, but you continue to create it”
(When you confront him on something he’s done)

“This is exactly why I look elsewhere, you are always angry”
(When confronted about cheating)

“You should listen to yourself”

“If you knew the truth you wouldn’t be upset” when asked what is the truth then? Replies,”You wouldn’t believe me if I told you anyway so why bother?”

“I’ve had enough, it’s over”
(When confronted on something like continued infidelity, rejecting you for being angry)

“I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person”
(While walking away from an argument)

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867 Replies to “Common Expressions of a Narcissist”

  1. These were great comments! Sorry, but they were! “Refuse to have a battle with an unarmed person”!!!

    Hiya Carrie, just dropping in to see if you’d written stuff as I have the day off work today – sick. AT LAST time to cruise around, looking at all the posts I love. Hope you’re well 🙂

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    1. Hey I did say he was intelligent! 🙂 his sense of humour and quick wit is what attracted me to him| besides the great ass and nice chest.

      Sorry to hear you’re sick, but you go pretty hard so you probably need some down time. Glad I am one of your stops while you stroll through the blogs. A day can fly by doing that, I know!! So many great writers out there. Speaking of which! What are you doing reading when I am waiting for the next installment on your blog. You leave me hanging every time!

      Good to see you, I am well thanks; recovering from midwifery and coroner duty and falling madly in love with that little bruiser 🙂

      Take good care of yourself and get well soon.
      Carrie

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  2. Here are a few more quotes for the list. Most of these came when the mask dropped and he revealed he wanted me (after 10 initially wonderful weeks of knowing him) to drop any current work obligations, rent out my house, not expect to continue with my interests in gardens, animals because these did not interest him, and move in with him where he was also about to have his ex-wife come and live next door. Needless to say, I was stunned, very upset:.. Quotes: “You just want somebody who’ll adapt to you!” “I’m used to getting what I want!” “How often are you going to cry like this ?” “I don’t want a partner interested in things that don’t involve me.” I prepared to leave and asked him how he felt. He said “Seeing how shattered you are by this makes me feel very positive.” Eventually I figured out a likely translation for this last bizarre remark… “Since you are so shattered you must really want me and so will be willing to do whatever I want.” I was indeed shattered but not willing and saw that the person I HAD wanted didn’t exist. This has been an all time low. I even had to write a blog about it to add to all the warns and informs out there about these dudes. Courage to anyone else who’s had contact with one of these sickos. The only thing to do is leave.

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    1. Vigilancemusings, some of those I heard also; “Every day its the same thing; you crying” I started to mark on my date book “didn’t cry today”. The one about not being adaptable or flexible I heard a lot in the beginning, plus I was too negative.

      They say that whether its 10 weeks or ten years; the damage they do is just the same. It’s impossible to describe what they do to a person. Only someone who’s been there can know.

      The problem is; by the time they start really showing their true colours most of us are already in too deep to get out without major scars.

      I am so sorry I ever met him and have the greatest empathy for any one involved with one.

      Thanks for stopping by:) and adding to the list¤
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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    2. Some of the quotes I heard were:

      ‘I’m the BOSS’ – my acronym for this is Big Over-sized Spoiled Shit.
      ‘I’ll let you’…..(kiss me, have sex with me, etc…)
      ‘Don’t love them, love me’
      ‘If you stick around long enough maybe I’ll teach you something’
      ‘You never listen’
      ‘Just because I let you out of the house doesn’t mean you don’t mind me’, (this was said in public, several times)
      ‘The guys at work said you need to be trained’
      ‘You’re my problem’
      ‘Please don’t leave’
      ‘You’re the only one who let me be myself’
      ‘Ah, it’s not that bad’
      ‘Everyone always leaves me, that’s why I don’t get involved with Bitches’
      ‘Tell the boys they need to go, I’m on my way home’

      The last time I saw him, he said ‘tell me you love me’. When I refused and said ‘NO’, he said ‘You lying Bitch!’

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  3. “I hate complications.”
    “I hate all this drama you create.”
    “I thought we were going to have an adult relationship.”
    “You never listen to what I say.”
    “You’re the only person who thinks I am not a good guy.”

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    1. lol at Liz! i heard the same things along with
      “I’m done with your childish personality” similar to your 3rd one lol
      “You are too emotional” when confronted about some wrong he was doing
      “you broke your words, i dont trust you”
      “you constantly change the agreements” when in fact is the one constantly changing things
      “Your mouth contradicts me ever being caring toward you” for justifying and blaming me for abusing me
      “you know nothing” or a variable of same one “you have no idea what i have on my plate” but when asked what, incapable of explaining or giving details.
      I could go on and on!

      And I’m loling on the post but really my heart goes to all of you and still healing and dealing with the powerful emotions of him and his new girlfriend while abandoning me with our newborn daughter. No contact is very hard with a baby and of course he ignores all request for child support while spending tons of cash on his new gf!
      By the way ladywithatruck, great article about the n and the new girlfriend, just made me feel better!

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      1. Cam, I am so sorry you are going through this and with a new baby too. That is one thing I was always thankful for; we didn’t have a child together, because I can only imagine how difficult that would be.

        JC did have a child with a young girl when he was 30 and her parents took her away and they hid from him for 14 yrs. When he eventually found her on Facebook (he and I were still together) he convinced her he had changed and to give him a chance. Long story short the boy came to live with us and JC ended up punching the kid for eating his donut, I sent the boy back to his mother and JC blames the kid for their falling out. They never change, I thought he might make a good father; he sure talked a good talk. But one the boy was with us a few months he treated him just like he treated me, and blamed the kid, criticized him over everything. When I talked to the mom she filled me in on the truth about the relationship and as I suspected he had lied. I was a single mom for most of my son’s life, his dad wasn’t in the picture much but far from a narcissist. Being a single mom is hard enough without having to deal with a narc, I hope you have the support of friends and family.

        These guys are not easy to recover from; partly because they do find another woman so quickly and act like she is the best thing since sliced bread. They seem so happy and appear to be giving her everything we wanted and more. The truth is; history will repeat itself and he will dump her eventually and move on to the next victim. I am glad you found something useful here in my post about the new g/f. It is something I still struggle with a year and 1/2 later. But it does get easier believe me.

        Thanks for the added quotes; the one about “you don’t know what I am dealing with” sure sounded familiar and when I would ask what he would say, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” Or “You never listen to me anyway, that just shows how self absorbed you really are.”

        Its amazing how they all use words as weapons, twisting our own words back on us, using double meanings, they call it crazy making for good reason.

        All the best to you Cam, you are strong and you will be so much better off without him even if it may not seem like it now. Let me know how things are going for you. I care! Carrie
        Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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  4. How about ‘you never do what you’re told.’ – ‘You’d fight with your fingernails.’
    ‘I’m not answerable to anyone; never was, never will be.’ – ‘If it doesn’t suit you, you can move on.’ – ‘You know where the door is, you can leave anytime.’ – ‘You analyse everything.’ –

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    1. Yeah some of those sound very familiar. Great additions to the list! The threatening to break up is a good old standby for them. And the over analyzing!! I heard that one a lot!! I needed to just take things at face value and not read more into it. In other words “quite snooping you might find something”.

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  5. He was always threatening me with the ‘pink slip’ – so much so that I didn’t believe he’d ever do it. Then, when it was time for me to go, he didn’t even issue one, just cut me off, without any explanation, or even any indication that it was happening. I was left reeling . . .

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    1. Oh boy can I relate to that!! He would tell me it was over in the morning and then act like nothing ever happened later that night I never knew if we were together or not. Eventually, like you; it became “just the way we are” and I didn’t think he’d ever really leave for good.

      I was devastated when he finally found someone else and was “in love” and rubbing my nose in it. Usually they won’t end it until they have someone else firmed hooked. That quote you gave “You analyze everything too much” that is what he’d say when I’d be so upset about a fight we’d had and him saying it’s over. He’d say that I shouldn’t let his moods affect my state of mind and he couldn’t be responsible for my happiness. All the cliques! He’d say I don’t know why you get so upset, I always come back to you; you know how we are. We always end up back together.

      I think they do it on purpose so that we ARE devastated when eventually they do go.

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  6. It’s all so awful, its hard to believe, yet everyone has the same story, so it must be true. Plus my ex had been told by a therapist that he might be a P. This was before I came along. His sis-in-law told me recently, to bring me to my senses, I’d say. Only reason I started looking it up on internet. Before that I just thought he was verbally abusive, which was bad enough.
    He had told me he had been to marriage counselling alright but that therapist was useless! Now we know why!
    Here’s another one for you – ‘You always fall into the trap’ (when I’d get annoyed when he riduculed me.) And I’d say, ‘there shouldn’t be a trap.’ And of course there shouldn’t.

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    1. All psychopath’s are narcissistic but not all narc’s are psychopath’s. JC was psychopathic; they are the one’s you really have to worry about. Some times they are called Malignant Narcissist’s. It’s hard for a normal person to get their head around how evil these people can be. It’s almost impossible to imagine not having a conscience but they don’t. It’s like a birth defect; they simply do not care about anything other than themselves and their immediate needs and wants.

      Life is a game of strategy to them and they must win which means you lose. No; that is not a normal loving relationship; that is sick.

      Did you ever notice that your ex’s emotions didn’t quite “fit” the situation? Like either he wouldn’t be upset about something that would upset most people or he’d over react or be especially mellow dramatic about something quite insignificant? They can turn on the tears at will, every emotion they exhibit is done to manipulate some one in order to get something his way.

      I think you will find the longer you are away from him with no contact the more things will surface for you. When a person is in the relationship they are so consumed with trying to smooth the waters, keep the N happy, and are so stressed and emotional all the time that they forget or miss things (part of the narcissist’s strategy is to keep you so off balance you don’t pick up on things he is doing).

      When I first started researching narcissism I would spend hours reading people’s account of what happened with them and I would be going OMG, it’s like they were watching jc and me. There is no other group of people I know of that are all so much alike. Some things I read about them I thought, well JC doesn’t do that, or he would never cheat on me, or when they said he would leave and have another woman right away and I thought oh no JC would never do that. And some women talked about how after a while he lost interest in sex and I thought, “Ha! That will NEVER happen with JC!” It all ended up coming true; every single thing. It is unbelievable!

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      1. me too Lady with a truck, eventually he did every single thing i thought he would not do. Believe me they all do, its just that they arent all caught. but if you look at the arc of their lives, they are all the same, everything they touch they destroy. sickos

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        1. Dee I missed this comment of yours, sorry! Isn’t it amazing how they all follow the same prescribed list of behaviours? Some go through the list faster than others but eventually they all do them. Its as if they get an instruction manual on how to be an asshole and destroy your victim. There is no other group of people who are that predictable and that much alike. You can’t say “all chinese are this way” or “all American’s do this” but with them you could write the script. Once I was with JC awhile I could predict exactly what was going to happen. When he got with this new woman he had to go out of town to work. I said to myself I bet he “injures” himself before he’s there a week because he won’t want to be away from her. Sure enough, something “fell” on him and he had to come home. But of course his boss had it in for him, was jealous because JC did his job so well and lied so JC didn’t get paid for his time off. He ended up quiting because they were all assholes, but in actual fact he got accused of stealing again, I predicted that too.

          They always think they are so special and unique when in fact they are predictable and pitiful. It got to the point I was hesitant to admit he was my boyfriend because I never knew who hated him, who he had screwed in a deal or something. I used to think, “How can I love a man I don’t respect and I’m ashamed to admit I love?” I used to tell him he was making himself look foolish.
          I read some where that if you don’t think he’s cheated on you, you just haven’t caught him yet. When I think back to all those times I questioned where he’d been, when I knew in my gut he was up to something and he accused me of destroying our relationship with my suspicious mind I get ill! As God is my witness I will never ignore my gut feelings again!

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  7. Keep the heads up girls and keep finding humour in the situation, because after all, they are a joke, right. Just read a great article about why they dumped us and went onto someone else. It’s because we were too strong and they realized they were never going to break us down. Right on! I feel bad for you that have kids thought. The only good thing is, if he’s not paying child support, then you don’t have to maintain contact. Stay strong everybody. At least, he’s gone.

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    1. Franner, actually there can be a variety of reasons why they dump us.

      They are attracted to strong women because they don’t want to be the giver in a relationship. The only people the narcissist values in any way are people who have something he wants. A weak and needy person would be far too much work for a narcissist and not the ego boost he constantly craves.

      He is attracted to women who are either already involved or married, or self sufficient in other ways.

      Depending on what is happening in his life he will choose a woman that he sees as being able to fulfill his immediate needs. It could be that he needs a place to live, a job, money, respectability, perhaps he even feels at that time he wants a family so will seek a woman with children. He is looking to fill an emptiness inside himself.

      The reasons he leaves could be any number of things; – he has bled you dry of money. – you are “on to him” and he can’t manipulate you any more. – you know too much and could blow his cover – he is simply bored – the initial ego rush of winning you over has faded and he needs a new source of narcissistic supply. – he feels he needs to teach you a lesson because you aren’t compliant enough. – you have expectations of him – he has beaten you down for so long you have become weak and needy and you have nothing left to give to him so he goes looking for a new woman to suck the life out of.

      They very often come back into the woman’s life when the woman has recovered enough that she is regaining her strength and he feels he can get more out of her.

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      1. How will he know when I’ve recovered?
        Also, something else you said is ringing true. He lives in a different town to me. For the 1st year we would stay in each others homes alternative weekends. Of course, then it sort of happened that I was always the one travelling to stay with him. I met a lot of people in his town and even became friendly with some of them. It became a joke between us, I’d ask him how are ‘my’ friends just to tease. For the last couple of months of our relationship I noticed some of these people being less friendly with me. Thought I was imagining things, which of course, he confirmed. Now I’m wondering . . .

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        1. At first they tend to brag and show the woman off. Which I took as a sign he had nothing to hide. Right? He didn’t have a wife hidden somewhere; you know what I mean.

          After we had been together a while; like 6 months or so he started to go out alone a lot more and acting like he really didn’t like me. If we were out he was his old self then when we got home he’s become distant, sullen, hide in his shop all night etc. I mentioned it to a g/f who knew us both that he acted like he hated me and she said, “oh? He always talks so highly about you and sounds so in love. I was really confused then; even when he started hitting me no one would believe he would do something like that because he was so passive and loving in front of people (except his guy friends, then he treated me like “the old ball and chain.” The last 6 months he wouldn’t say he loved me and I know he was saying shit about me at his work becuz I showed up with cake, lunch and balloons on his BD and the other guy there said, “I take back everything nasty I just said about you.” I know he was making it sound like life was hell at home. But if I said anything to him about he would say I was imagining things or too sensitive. They always have to be the victim and not the bad guy. Get people feeling sorry for them and put a wedge between you and them so that IF you do tell them he is abusive they won’t believe you because he’s already told them you are a psycho bitch. You can pretty well be guaranteed that the way they treated you is what he is telling people you do to him.

          I don’t know how they know when you are getting stronger; it seems to be with most of them it’s between 3 and 6 months that they show up all sorry and full of promises.

          Maybe it has more to do with him and when he needs the ego boost of knowing he could get you back.

          With JC he was the same with everyone, women, jobs, friends, and family when he first met them he’d put them on a pedestal, whatever they were into he was into, their opinions were his opinions, he would be giving them gifts, helping them out, working long hours and going the extra mile, friends and family, women he would call all the time. Then after about 6 months he would slack off, talk badly about them and how he is having to carry the load, say how they were taking advantage of him etc etc eventually he’d get caught stealing from work, friends even me. I saw it happen time after time after time. The doesn’t have any close friends that he has had for more than 6 months to a year.

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  8. A lot of what you say in ringing true Ladywat. He would go beserk if I left a cup on the table, yet the day I spilt ‘white out’ on his lovely black leather couch, he was fine! Another time I hit him. There I said it. Haven’t admitted that to anyone else. After a particularly bad rampage of bullets from him. (I always told him his remarks were like bullets that I was constantly dodging.) I stood up and without realising that I was going to do it, I brought my fist down on the top of his head, toppled his glasses which scraped his face, then I burst out crying and was terribly upset. I had never struck another human being in my life. And he was so nice about it? Consoled me, sat me down, made me tea. At the back of my mind tho, I always felt he had one up on me after that, even tho he never made a big issue of it, other than call me Rocky, as a joke. But, I was waiting for him to throw it back at me. It was only weeks later that he left me, so maybe that did have something to do with it. What frightened me was, say if I really did hurt him, then I’d be the one in trouble. So, I console myself with that. At least, I didn’t make a huge fool of myself in front of the world. All because of him? However, I often wonder why this happened to me, what was it about me three years ago that attracted this man into my life? And I still feel sorry for him sometimes, he had the potential to be a good guy. Am I wrong?

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  9. Ohh I got some…

    “I’m not a mess, I’m amazing!”
    -when being told he’s acting like a jerk

    “things don’t happen over night ”
    -when being asked why he doesn’t keep his promises to change

    “DONE! I’m done” **hangup**
    -when being confronted for something hea done wrong over the phone

    “I’m not going to continue this conversation until you (insert something controlling)

    “me too”
    -when saying to him “I miss you”

    “thank you”
    -when saying to him “I love you”

    Here’s a good one.. On the way to come visit me a day after I watched my mom die from cancer and me telling him I felt in attractive..
    “it’s okay, I’ll look good enough for the boss of us”

    So many more yet so many of these others I’ve heard before

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    1. Good ones!! I had forgotten about the “thank you” when I said I love you, and the DONE! I’m done!! Oh how many times I heard that one and then when I took him at his word that it was over he’d act surprised and hurt; he never said it was over. Wtf?

      Thanks for contributing; I wonder if they get a phrase book when they go to narcissist school. I can just see the devil at the head of the class giving pointers.

      Thanks for stopping by, I love it when someone adds their experiences.

      Carrie

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    2. “DONE! I’m done” **hangup**
      -when being confronted for something hea done wrong over the phone

      “I’m not going to continue this conversation until you (insert something controlling)

      OMG….I heard both of these on a regular basis. I have never had anybody hang up on me with the frequency he did. I wouldn’t have let anybody else get away with it. Guess that’s a big red flag, huh? haha.

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  10. ‘No one else would put up with your cr**’ (when I was refusing to let a matter go – such as finding evidence of other girls, or when he told me he had a surprise for my birthday and then didn’t answer the phone all day)

    ‘I told you but you didn’t believe me, you just could not accept the truth’ – (when confronted about his cheating and getting another girl pregnant, which is when I ended it for the last time –

    NB He had told me 6 months ago he was thinking maybe we should see other people – I had promptly stopped talking to him for a week till he begged to get me back, but apparently this should have sufficed for me to work out he had had sex with another girl –
    But the one time I saw him with her, he claimed she was his pregnant cousin who he was helping, and I had bought this lie – so no, N, you DIDN’T tell me a thing)

    ‘You just weren’t there” – justification for having slept around whilst living away at uni – which stupidly I forgave.

    ‘I only say sorry to shut people up’

    ‘I’ll tell you when the time is right’ – delay tactics

    ‘Everything happens for the best’ – quoting religion when explaining why he cheated (LOL)

    ‘I feel like no one appreciates me’ – (telling me this for a good half hour when we had met to discuss the fact my mom had been diagnosed with cancer, and then I ended up feeling sorry for him.

    ‘Listen I need you to do x,y,z for me’ – funny he’d always ask me to do stuff for him when I was trying to tell him I had had enough of him, kind of like disarming me.

    ‘You went through hell for me’ – spoken with wonder in his tone when he realised the extent his actions had had on me.

    ‘It’s like no one understands me – no one’ – heh. figures.

    ‘sometimes I wish I was dead…” – 2 minutes later ‘i’ve seen this audi I really want to buy…’

    NC is great – (19 days now!) educating myself on Narcissism has also been an eye-opener – it’s like in my head I finally understand the guy I fell for never existed, and if he does come back I just don’t want to know.

    I feel better than I have in a very long time. I am no longer trying to battle to get through to the boy I loved – because I know he was never there.

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    1. Oh Sara, it all sounds so familiar I almost even laughed at some of your quotes just because I could hear my ex saying the same thing.

      His excuse for screwing around, “We were broken up”, when I caught him months later with a personal ad and found out he’d met with women. That was months ago and we broke up in the morning and he was buying me supper that night. But it was my fault for not clarifying we were back together even though he’d moved in and we’d were together the whole time. “You weren’t there” when he sent an ” I love you” text to another woman while he was trucking. No I was home waiting for him with supper cooked and wearing a garter belt and stockings. I can’t believe the shit I put up with. It’s been a year and 1/2 now and I can see things so much clearer.

      The longer you are no contact the clearer your mind gets because they aren’t filling it with all their BS.

      His admission that you went through a lot with him wasn’t a realization as much as a “hook” to make you think he has feelings.

      They always make a curtain call so be prepared. They come admitting to every thing they ever did wrong, take full responsibility for their actions and you think “he must have changed or why would he admit he was wrong and cry etc” don’t believe it. When I confronted my ex with his promises and admissions he said, “I told you what you needed to hear to take me back.” And then 3 weeks later he’s telling me it’s my own fault he hurt me because I always took him back.

      You can’t win. You are right; the man you met was a facade, he never existed and he won’t ever come back not for long, not with you and not with anyone else. it isn’t possible for them to change they don’t possess a conscience; its always an act if my ex wasn’t so dangerous and cruel I would feel bad for him. I pity him that he will never know a true emotion in his life and always have one superficial relationship after another leaving a trail of destruction behind him. What a waste of oxygen.

      Thanks for sharing Sara, and if you ever feel yourself weakening or need an ear please feel free to come back, I’m always here.

      Good luck and all the best to you! Great things are out there waiting for you! 🙂

      Carrie
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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      1. Hi Carrie… thank you so much for replying!

        No joke but how your N justified his cheating is how my N justified his cheating – (I’d been with him 10 years, since age 14, although we became completely serious when I was about 17)

        Anyway at one point he told me about 2 years later that he felt things were going too fast in the sense people had started commenting on when our wedding would be, and I thought this freaked him out like it freaked me out as we were too young and he said lets keep it as friends – except he kept telling me he loved me, and hugging kissing, getting jealous if men even looked my way.
        Later when I found evidence (the first time) of girls, he denied any physical relationships (but I now know that was a lie) – BUT he then explained we were only friends so therefore it was ok

        I think his admission of me going through hell for him was more a marvel at how much power he held over me, I remember I told him I was overdrawn once, and he asked me if it was because of him (as I did buy him an expensive scent for his birthday which had been 8 months ago) – it’s like he thought my whole life was revolving around him and I guess in many ways it was.

        I don’t think there will be a curtain call – you must be psychic as what you described has already happened about 2 years ago – his parents forced him to get married ( he is half Indian btw), he basically D&D’d me in an extremely cruel way and let me be – I was suicidal but eventually began to heal which is when he made his grand sobbing and divorced re-entry into my life and treated me like a princess until I took him back.

        Only, he wasn’t divorced, he wasnt waiting for his divorce to become old news so he could marry me, he lied to me. He has a 5 month old baby with his wife, and also ANOTHER child (about 3) with a girl he works with. He has another NS somewhere too.

        In the last conversation I asked him why had he strung me along like this and he said, because no one loves me like you do, and you stayed with me for 10 years…

        I don’t think he’ll be back, no curtain calls this time. I actually don’t feel anything, except a little pity because he is actually rather pathetic.

        At the end of it, I lost a liar, a cheat, and someone with no morals at all or any compassion.. someone who didn’t exist… But he lost someone who would have died for him. I’ve cried my tears for years but now I’m done.

        Now I know he is a N, I guess thats helped loads,
        It might be 10 years of my life, but at least it wasn’t 20, and I am focusing on my work and family and friends, and strangely I feel lighter than I have in years.

        Thank you so much for your amazing blog and your nice reply – I can’t believe how similar they all seem.

        Thank you!

        Sara

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        1. Sara, you are more than welcome! Its a pleasure to have you drop by and comment. Be sure to stay in touch, I love happy endings and I can see one right around the corner for you.

          You have the right attitude, 10 years is a lot better than 20.
          You are also right that they are pitiful.
          JC always thought he was so unique, such a rebel, so tricky with his lies and manipulation and he’s just another run of the mill, generic, text book narcissist. 😉
          Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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    2. It is so weird how samey all N’s are! Especially when they see themselves as so incredibly unique and special!

      Mine also used to quote that scripture ‘all things work to good’ when he wanted me to stop talking about something hurtful he’d done!

      And the asking you to do something in the middle of an intense conversation, in our last row he suddenly said ‘will u get my laundry out of the washing machine?’ as if everything was normal!

      They are freaks! I have been a month NC and when I get confused about how hateful he has been compared to the protestations of love that he has also said to me I remind myself ‘It was never real, he never cared.’. Then it all makes sense!

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  11. Yes, Sara, it is amazing how similar they all are. That’s what makes me believe it’s true. Nothing else had pointed me in this direction. Except his sis-in-law telling me a marriage counsellor had suggested to him him that he was psychopath when his 1st marriage was breaking up. So he KNEW all along and I didn’t. Then I started all this research. Now I know too.

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    1. Franner, Knowledge is power.

      I found a sense of relief when I finally found an answer to why he was the way he was. It still boggles my mind how they are all so much alike, right down to phrases and excuses they use; its like they all got an instruction manual.

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  12. I was married for 23 years to my ex n. One of his favorite things to throw at me was that I was being irrational. He also liked to tell me he wanted a divorce at least once a year because he wasn’t happy. I finally got tired of all the games and manipulation and told him I wanted a divorce. He couldn’t believe it. We’ve been divorced for 10 months now and I’m glad to be rid of him. Our 12 year old is having a hard time because she feels like she has no control of her life. She has to spend time with him even though she doesn’t want to. I feel bad for her ,but she sees what he does and seems to understand the games he plays.

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    1. Ana, 23 yrs! You must be a very strong woman, good for you that you broke away.

      I feel sorry for anyone who has children with an N; and for the children. Has your daughter been to counseling of any kind to due with her feelings about her dad?

      So many times women who had an N for a father end up with one later in life; it isn’t guaranteed though and certainly people who have no experience with one still get caught in their web.

      It’s good she talks to you about her feelings and she sees you being strong now and showing her that a woman doesn’t have to take that kind of treatment from a man.

      If only I had a dollar for every time he told me I was irrational and not even making sense.

      When he got with his new g/f he was telling me how she is so rational; not like me. He can talk to her. I said, “yeah well you are on your good behaviour right now.” He said there is no need for good behaviour, he can be totally himself. I said, “I don’t want to hear another word about “Miss Perfect” until she has spent 10 yrs with you. THEN, after she’d walked in my shoes for 10 yrs, get back to me and tell me she’s still rational.”

      good luck with everything! Stop by and give us an update some time and let us know how you and your daughter are doing.

      Take care Carrie

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