Ending The Relationship With a Narcissist

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The Beginning of the End

Years ago I had a friend who was in a violent relationship and try as I might to understand why she stayed I could not get my head around it. I thought I would never allow any man to treat me like that. Never say never!!

Frog Analogy

Ironically, in true narcissist fashion JC actually gave me this analogy as a way of explaining why HE stayed with ME so long and it was the catalyst to me finally accepting this man was toxic and if I was to ever be happy I had to cut him from my life. Here it is:

If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water he will jump right out
But if you put the frog in a pot of tepid water he would be quite comfortable and stay.
If you slowly increase the heat under the pot of water his body temperature will slowly increase also; he doesn’t realize he is being cooked alive and dies.

A person often fails to see exactly how bad the state of the relationship really is until substantial damage has been done. This happens because at first the relationship is perfect, the N is agreeable, even-tempered, and helpful and the woman can do no wrong, they are able to discuss anything and come to a resolution. Then out of the blue the N will go into a rage about something he thinks the woman is doing or thinking that is totally untrue. The woman is baffled, caught off guard and immediately tries to resolve the problem. It is obviously just a misunderstanding, she tries to discuss the issue, but all of a sudden the N is totally unreasonable. No matter what she tries there is no resolving the matter and she is to blame. The N probably withdraws from her in anger and she is left wondering what happened, any attempts to discuss it result in another fight so she drops it. That night she goes to bed wondering what she did to make him so angry and he comes to bed long after she’s fallen asleep, he pulls her on top of him and they have sex and he holds her tight. She is relieved, he still loves her, all is well, and he must have just had a bad day. The next morning everything seems back to normal although she feels tension in the air and a knot in her stomach but dismisses it. Little does she know the roller coaster ride has started and she didn’t even buy a ticket.

When things start to get crazy and you start doubting your sanity the best advice I can give you is to start a daily journal and keep track of finances. The N will lie, deny and twist events in trying to make you feel you are going crazy and to put up smoke screens covering his trail, a journal will help you keep events straight. After a while with my N there was so much conflict, so many incidents of infidelity, so many lies so many fits of rage I couldn’t keep them all straight and some simply got forgotten in the confusion. If he can keep you off-balance, defensive and confused you are less likely to catch him at whatever he is doing and its easier for him to make you act crazy and believe that maybe you are going insane.

N’s use ending the relationship as part of their control tactics, if you don’t do what they want when they want it done they will threaten to end the relationship; if you actually want to leave him he will go to almost any length to prevent it from happening so you are wise to do it without him knowing. The N has probably made it all but impossible for you to leave, they control the money, have probably made sure you no longer have a support system by alienating your friendships and family relations, quite possibly you don’t have reliable transportation and that isn’t taking into account the damage they have done to your self-confidence.

If you can, hide money and build a support system for when you leave, but I mean HIDE it, don’t tell him in hopes he will back off because he knows you can leave if he pushes you. If he knows you have money and a means to leave he will become that sweet, loving and agreeable guy you remember, until your guard is down and he can manipulate you into giving him the money. You have to remember you are not dealing with a rational reasonable person and no matter how out of character it feels to you to lie or hide something from the man you love, you won’t regret it later.

Whether you know it or not, they are snooping through your belongings looking for evidence you are up to something. He is lying to you so he just assumes you are lying to him plus he wants to know if you are on to him.
JC had a camera hidden so he could watch me while he was in the barn, he had an intercom strung out to the barn so he could listen in on my conversations and he had something in my truck to listen and track where I was. I know it sounds paranoid and that is what he wanted me to believe but I had his sister with me and she is the one that found the intercom and was with me in the truck. She is also the one that confirmed my secret fear; that JC was capable of killing me and making it look like an accident.

It is very common to split from a narcissist several times, the N “punishes” by withdrawing or banishing you from their divine presence. After a period of time, a few weeks or months, they figure you should have learned your lesson and will reappear laying on the charm, telling you what you want to hear and you go back and the cycle begins again. Personally, after we had split half a dozen times I truly didn’t think he would ever really leave me; it had become “just the way the relationship was” and he was confident that he could do anything and I would always welcome him back with open arms. I even tried reasoning with JC, pointing out that every time he had said he wanted to end it he almost immediately wanted me back so let’s save ourselves a lot of time, money and heartache and pretend we broke up and get to the part where you want me back. But there is no “reasoning” with a narcissist; cognitive thinking is not their strong suite.

In an attempt to keep the peace with the narcissist you have slowly given up control of the finances, given up your support system of family and friends and you feel you are stuck to ride this emotional roller coaster from hell for ever more. In my case I actually felt the pain of leaving exceeded the pain of staying and I thought I could “make” it work no matter what and I would never leave. I felt I was stuck for so many reasons, lack of resources, I feared his rage, and the thought of leaving hurt so bad I didn’t think I’d survive. I thought I could ride it out and just not react to his raging, but that doesn’t work, he wants a reaction and will not give up until he gets it.
The N gets more cruel and hateful until you crack; and then like a volcano that has simmered and finally blows he spews venomous bile all over you, in my case I would get punched and he would scream into my face what an ungrateful bitch I was and it was over. I would believe him and start making plans to leave; then he would deny ever saying it. Eventually it was impossible to stay, I truly thought if I didn’t leave he would kill me, to say he treated me with loathing would be an understatement. But by this time I had nothing, absolutely nothing, I was terrified, where would I go, how would I go, I was stuck; I prayed he would kill me and end this torture.

Like me, you are NOT stuck, you don’t have to stay, but you do need to get help because leaving is not easy. Believe me you can do it, if I could find a way out so can you!! You need to find a trusted friend, someone you can confide in, if not a friend or family member, perhaps a support group for abused women, or a forum on one of the many web sites about being involved with a narcissist, but you need someone who will confirm you are not crazy, it is not your fault and you don’t deserve the way the N in your life has treated you.

Be very careful to not let the N know you are planning your escape, when you hear of a woman being killed by a lover it is usually when the relationship is ending so it would be very prudent to plan your exit very carefully. Don’t worry about taking furniture, things can be replaced, take your mementos and think about safety first, not fairness to the N, or revenge, just get out and don’t look back. I found that JC got the most violent and scary when he thought I was actually going to leave, it was at those times I truly thought he could kill me. If you think about it you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, you probably know things about him that he doesn’t want anyone else to know, if you leave he loses all control over your actions, who you associate with etc, he doesn’t want to have to give up anything, pay child support or be inconvenienced in any way, if you were to die or just disappear, he doesn’t have to deal with any of those things. No matter how he feels about you he certainly doesn’t want to think you would be happy without him or God forbid with any one else.

Narcissists can’t stand being alone and will never let you leave unless he has your replacement firmly hooked. But it will happen eventually, don’t kid yourself.
I truly never thought it would end, I didn’t know what would happen, but after 10 yrs, after we had recommitted to each other I really didn’t think he would actually find someone else. No matter what I read about Narcissists, and how closely he fit every description of an N that I found, and our relationship followed the described stages, I really thought he loved me, I thought I was special, I thought we were different. How foolish of me. It wasn’t that I was surprised he had a new woman, he had screwed around our whole relationship, had personal ads our whole relationship I had found love letters he had written to other women, but he always came back to me. He had said that once, “I don’t know why you get so upset, I always come back to you.” And I had thought, yeah because I am the only one stupid enough to always take you back.
Then there was the conversation we had just before I moved out, when he had blamed me for the relationship failing and I had mentioned that he was the one who continually had personal ads and screwed around. He got that exasperated look on his face and said,” And what did you do?” I said,” I stayed.” And he looked at me over his glasses and said,” EXACTLY” and went back to reading his magazine. In that moment a part of me died because I saw him for what he was, empty, heartless and no one I could love.

When the narcissist realizes they can get nothing more from you, either they have drained you of all resources or you are so “on to them” they can no longer manipulate you into doing what they want they will move on. There is no such thing as “amicably” splitting from an N, even if it is his idea, he will punish you for not living up to his fantasy and not having an endless narcissistic supply; he will cast you aside as being worthless treat you with disdain. He will not be fair in the division of property, the breakup will be all your fault and he will expect you to still be there for him until he is firmly enmeshed in a new relationship.

You must remember you are not dealing with a “normal” person; they have no feelings, guilt, or even the ability to love, no matter what they tell you. As JC said to me once when I reminded him of his tearful apology, promises and professions of love when he begged me back, “I told you what you wanted to hear”.
They lead a very fragile fantasy life, that is why they must control every aspect of it, including you, they will not allow you to destroy their illusion, they will not face reality, don’t try to make them. If you think about it they are to be pitied, they are so empty and ill-equipped to deal with the real world they can’t function without someone constantly feeding their ego. It is impossible to break up and remain friends with an N, if you aren’t a source of ns then you are of no use to an N and if you take his ns away you are his enemy and he will do anything to make you pay.

The Healing Begins

Breaking up with a narcissist is different from a “normal” breakup and there lies another problem that makes the relationship with an N so damaging. As if being involved with them isn’t toxic enough but to then have to go through the breakup after you are emotionally, financially, mentally and maybe even physically depleted of all resources combined with the lack of support and empathy from family, friends, and society in general can make it all but impossible to heal. The victim ends up feeling as she has been kicked almost to death and left to die in her own pool of blood while the one who was kicking her goes off to live happily ever after with someone is young, beautiful and full of life (and narcissistic supply). The ONLY people who can understand the devastation are those who have survived a significant relationship with a Narcissist.

In a healthy relationship break up one grieves:
The dream of love not continuing
The loss of familiarity
The pain of saying goodbye
The sadness of having ill will between you and someone you love/loved.
A sense of loss
Living with the memories of past pleasures, shared experiences, visiting places you once went together.
Hope interrupted
Well wishing put aside for self-survival
Feelings of failure

But when grieving an N a person deals with all the above and other ingredients such as:
The nightmare of going from being idealized to being devalued.
Discovering the web of lies at many many levels
Coming to terms with the terrible realization that you were never an object of love but a source of narcissist supply. That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension.
Coming to the understanding that your nostalgic and tender memories of loving times are corrupted by the N’s agenda.
Feeling isolated and alone with your grief because people don’t believe or feel you must be exaggerating about some of the weird things the N did. Some of the N’s actions are so unbelievable it sounds like the plot to a suspense movie, even when the movie is based on a true story it is still a movie and not happening in their world. I think people just simply don’t want to accept that their neighbor, co-worker, family member could be that evil and cruel without provocation.
Discovering with some relief mingled with horror that the person you loved was not the person you thought you loved.
Everything, simply every aspect of the relationship is tarnished in light of the realization that it was typical of all N relationships and nothing was “real”.
When one hears about a healthy ex moving on, dating, marrying, or has gone totally from their life there is sadness and the letting go of what could have been. But as time goes by that sting turns to acceptance and well wishing and the ex becomes one of your fond memories. But with an N ex, they invariably move on immediately, flaunt their new relationship and of course are being their charismatic sweet selves as they “hook” their new victim and blame you for all the problems in the relationship. The survivor is flooded with conflicting thoughts; Will they ever come into my life again? Will they miss my N supply was I not good enough, maybe they really have changed, maybe it was all me, even if they are abusing their new partner there is a feeling of inadequacy.
Not being able to get closure except to accept that the ex is disfigured, deformed and always dangerous. There are no explanations, no shared blame; you are left to deal with it as best you can while they coldly move on without a backwards glance.
You have spent however long with the N as your main focus whether it is walking on eggshells trying to prevent an N rage, being hyper sensitive to their moods, denying your own feelings to avoid conflict, suspicion, the constant barrage of criticism, defending yourself to false allegations and your own struggles to deal with the warped reality of the N and now you are expected to act “normally” when you don’t even remember what normal is anymore.
Feelings of failure, not just of the relationship but you failed to protect yourself (and perhaps the children), failed to be “enough” for the N and now people’s lack of understanding is making you feel that you are a failure at grieving and healing.
The impatience of society in general who can’t understand why you are grieving at all and feel you should be happy to be free of your tormentor.
You are left feeling empty, raped, the victim of a holocaust; was it all for nothing? All that pain, all the effort, all the forgiving and trying is nothing more than a loss. It isn’t lost love; it is a dark abyss that evolves from nothing into nothing.

Life without the narcissist in it will be better, less conflict, no one telling you white is black, no one criticizing you, no one expecting the impossible and blaming you for their unhappiness. Unfortunately again, the minute they see you getting stronger they will try anything, say anything, to get you back, because you now have resources they want. You must stay strong and not give them an inch, it is not possible to stay friends, and narcissists do not change! They don’t change because they don’t think they have any flaws or faults! Just keep remembering, if you stay or go back the pain will never stop, only get worse, once you leave you can start the healing process and healing WILL occur.
It’s been 6 months and I am still sleeping on the couch, still waking up in tears, and still have to force myself to eat, work and carry on. But life is getting better, I don’t cry every day any more, I don’t jump when the phone rings, I don’t call him or message him any more, I have more money again, I laugh more, my bad days are further apart, well in fact I have good days, that in itself is an improvement.

The Stages of Healing (Suffering)

Looking for Answers

What we need most is certainty, stability, and we want answers. Our world has been turned upside down and inside out, we are disoriented from everything we valued, our beliefs, morals, boundaries and self-confidence being smashed against the “granite faced” reality of a psychopathic narcissist. It is a reality so alien to us and so twisted we are sent spinning into the deepest, darkest, unfathomable abyss with no way of getting back.

For me, the only way I can describe how I felt was total devastation. Initially I think I was operating on auto-pilot, packing, moving, saying good-bye, sure there were tears but I was just kinda numb. I was saying this was it, this was the last time, and he was acting like he hated me, even worse than the times before, but I still think deep down I thought somehow it would never really end.

I felt I needed his approval, that my life was empty without him, we talked daily on the phone, I knew he was probably dating, he’d had personal ads and dates when we were together of course now that we weren’t living together he would be going at it full force. But as usual once we were split he started being nice again and the little glimmer of hope started deep inside me. We had been apart 2 ½ months, but he was still “fixing” my truck (that he destroyed to begin with) I wasn’t able to work so was reliant on him and he was resentful. He was stopping by to get money off me when ever I was able to work, still phoning and saying he missed me and loved me.

Although we know the narcissist is not good for us we become obsessed with him. For one thing, he has programmed us to make him our life, without him in it, a large part of our lives is now empty plus he is our link to life and our sanity. We somehow feel he holds the key to our survival and we look to him to give us back what he took, our life. We know on some unconscious level that he has something we need. That something is our soul.

When I found out about the women he was seeing, a married woman and a widow and he was so cold about it and uncaring and saying horrible things to me and it became obvious he had used me as his “sure thing” until he had a new victim firmly under his spell; that is when I totally fell apart. It wasn’t that I was shocked by him and his lack of love and his callousness towards me it was my realization of how delusional I was and how I had lied to myself. All of a sudden I hated him like I have never hated someone in my life and I knew I would never get what I needed from him and it was up to me to heal myself.

From there I had to try to accept that everything I had given up, the compromises I had made, the values I had given up, all the times I had forgiven him and all the tears I had cried had been for NOTHING, just a sham and none of it meant a thing to him. He went straight from saying I love you to me one day to literally moving in with another woman the next and being disgusted with my emotional display.

I have accepted that, and now I know I could never go back, go back to what? There is nothing to go back to, except abuse because I now know without a doubt that I did everything I could to make him happy and I know now that he will say anything and do anything to get what he wants, at that moment.

new self
Now I have to get over the loneliness and try to regain my self esteem. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that it had nothing to do with me, I have lost all my confidence when it comes to being with a man. I never doubted that I was attractive to men and able to keep a man satisfied sexually and otherwise but now I doubted everything, from how intelligent I am to whether I take too long to have an orgasm. But the process has begun and now I know it is just going to take time, he doesn’t control me any more.

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352 Replies to “Ending The Relationship With a Narcissist”

  1. I am in relationship with a guy I thought/ still think loves me. Hey totally fucked up his life and I gave him a chance. He, I felt ripped me off. Loan for $20000. To start a business. Our daughters best friends. I lost most of my friends. And nearly my kids. So convincing. He got run out of town because of me and his drug habit. Which I got sucked into. But then I found him , as he had my car, and got sucked in again. Sooooo hard to get out

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    1. Once you were split up, you said you were still talking to him. What I need to know how did you stop? I’m presently split up from mine, we still talk and even meet at times. There’s times that I start thinking maybe we could work out and then he says or does something that wakes me back up but I’m having a very hard time in NC I can’t seem to get there, I’ve changed my number he starts messaging thru Facebook, I block it, he then creates a new one, he goes thru email, etc etc but eventually after a few days he gets to me and I start back talking to him. He then if I don’t act like nothing has happened or that everything is fine, he starts ignoring me for hours.. then I’m in a panic hurt mode, then he’ll start back talking to me and says he doesn’t want to fuss, that he realizes he’ll never be enough etc etc and also says you did it so can I but when I explain why I have that right he ignores that like he’s done nothing wrong. But we both know he’s cheated, been emotionally , physically, mentally and verbally abusive! I just don’t know how to get pass the panic stages of NC.

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      1. feels good to know im not alone. going through this with my ex ol lady ..not talkin to her anymore, all seems so unreal after dealing with it for a few years

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    2. Sam,
      Please don’t shame yourself about going back to your abuser. Abusers are practiced people, they have behaved in a dysfunctional way for years. An have fine tuned the manipulation strategies. The good news is that you recognize the abuse.

      In my view, it seems to me that the best thing you can do is to love yourself. Don’t tell him or others about the internal work you are doing. Focus all of your attention on yourself and your child. As you become stronger and kinder to yourself, you will not be attracted to people that seek to use and abuse you.

      May G-d bless and protect you!

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  2. Oh, again and again, I was sucked in until this last time. The only way he was getting me back was to sweet talk me for 3 weeks straight, told me everything I wanted to hear and even told his ex-wife that he loved me, so that was the start of me believing him. I temporarily forgot the way he made me feel, the deep cuts to my human soul and woman-hood, the feelings that I just wanted to pain to end, the feelings of suicide (briefly) because I wanted so bad to be loved. He’d leave the relationship on a whim, cause a fight out of no where, made me prove my love for him time and time again. This last time was a whopper though. The insane accusations that he said about me and my son, made me flip in a psychotic rage and I beat the living hell out of him. he HAD to call the cops because I was going to really hurt him and not stop. Never in my human life have I ever hurt a person (not even by accident), but him – I raged and I also got arrested too.

    Oh, after that, I “pretended” to change my number by sending a fake looking automated text each time he text me. It has worked so far. Even if you try to fight for your dignity to get them to understand your side, they will go with it and pretend to be every ounce of perfect man you want them to be… it’s not until the next rage that you see them for what they are… RUN, change your number, move… do what you need to do to cut them off clean. You will feel empty for a while, but that emptiness is only temporary. I am still waiting for me to kick this ugliness he caused me, but I will do it. I am determined to do it. I want me back. I want to know why I am attracted to this type of person. It wasn’t just him- I’ve met many like him. I needed to tell someone about my feeling of suicide to get it off my chest. I feel better now though and I know I want to live.

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    1. Good for you, Evie!

      It sounds like you have done what you needed to do to protect yourself. Kudos’s!

      Now, the internal work begins. You have the honor of getting to know and love yourself. You can create a Narc-free life!

      As you treat yourself with love and respect, it becomes highly unlikely that you wilt allow Narc types or Dysfunctional people into your heart and life, again.

      Please note that I am not diagnosing or prescribing any treatment for you or others. You should check with your health care provide before engaging in any treatment.

      However, with that being said,with your health care providers approval, you might want to look into Quantum Healing. See Dr. Len Horowitz for possible ways to help yourself as you navigate your way through this life challenge. Simply stated, as you feel better about yourself and heal your past and move toward a new and improved future, your Energy, Frequency and Vibration will be elevated. This conceivably means, you won’t attract nor will you be attracted to people that seek to harm you.

      See info below from a Google search ( I love Goggle) on suggested ways to accomplish elevated Energy, Vibration and Frequency.

      Solfeggio Frequencies 9 Tone Solfeggio Scale Meditation (ASMR …
      Video for solfeggio frequencies
      ▶ 1:04:21

      Jun 8, 2013 – Uploaded by Eric Bartel
      Free Meditation Music Presents – Solfeggio Frequencies – 9 Tone Solfeggio Scale Meditation (ASMR …
      All 9 Solfeggio Frequencies Emotional & Physical Healing – Dream …

      Video for solfeggio frequencies
      ▶ 1:28:01

      Sep 12, 2016 – Uploaded by PowerThoughts Meditation Club
      This is a special album put together with the use of all 9 solfeggio frequencies It´s designed to take you into …

      If links don’t work for some reason, just go to you tube and type in the titles described above. Youtube has a plethora of information on this topic.

      May G-d bless and protect you, Evie!

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  3. So I’ve been NC (I took him back 4 years ago thinking he had changed) for 3 days. He shows up at my work with “mail” and my two fur babies. I take the mail, he is cold, bitter and “going camping with the new supply”. “OK” and I walked away. So cruel. So evil. I move in 8 days (staying with a friend). Sickening! I was so proud of my NC! Restart UGH

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  4. Thank you I just ended my relationship of almost 4 years with a N. I’m struggling but know it’s what I must do to regain any control of my life. Your article helped me know I’m not alone I just can’t believe people can be so evil especially when it was some one you loved

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  5. 17 years and counting thought I was going crazy we have 4 kids it has kept me from leaving. Even if I do we will still have to communicate with the kids involved. I’m stuck I may not make it . Just when I think maybe things will get better it starts all over.

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    1. I’m stuck in a narc marriage. We have 5 kids and I have a terminal illness. There’s no way I could live on my own. I have no family. I have no friends. He runs everyone away. I feel suicidal, only way out. My oldest son is in therapy. He’s 14 and suicida,hel will hide anytime narcissist daddy comes around. He treats us all like giant lazy lumps of poo. Nothing is ever good enough.

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      1. I hear you and feel the same . Everyone thinks it should be so easy to just take off. It’s not about leaving him it’s about unwinding all the other shit. I feel ready I feel like I’m feeling strong . Just feel now like I’m waiting for the big one it would be so much easier if he would just beat the shit out of me physically. Then I would feel justified leaving . Hard to leave when you question your own sanity

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        1. It is very difficult to leave a narcissist. I had a boyfriend who was a narcissist , and I was having difficulty leaving him, and he had a stroke, and I went to visit him in the hospital, and could not speak well, so I feel like I am walking away in love.

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      2. Jessica, you must know at least one person, one kind-hearted person, who doesn’t know your husband or feel any loyalty to him, and who can help you. This person will have resources, will know someone who can offer you therapy/counseling. Your world and your children’s world doesn’t have to be a living hell. Teach your children how to love themselves and how to walk away from anyone who wants to torment them. You can do it, Jessica.

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  6. O boy this really hits close to home I wasted 14yr of my life with a N man. Much worse tho… At first all love unconditional. If I said jump he’s say how high. It didnt take long for him to isolate me and throw Fits of jealousy. Things escalated at a steady pace. Verbal, physical and emotional abuse. Cheating on me then denying. It was incredible how many people said they had sex with me according to him. I was not allowed to go out without him. He stalked me followed me and would offer to take me to and from wk. Everytime I’d come out pregnant he would question if it was his. Every man I spoke to or about I was having an affair with. He would compromise my job situation causing conflict. He would get verbally abusive and physically if I didn’t answer the phone. He said if I every cheated he would kill me. Yet during sex ask me if I wanted to be with someone else or threesome it was ok with him. He never took any reponsablily for his action none at all. Everything was my fault. I was completely isolated from my family. After all the abuse when got in to a fight we had cops were called I was sent to jail for domestic violence how ironic. Since he would hit me shove Me slap me even choked me once and I almost passed out. That may have been the only time I saw genuine concern and fear. He never supported any of my accomplishment instead proclaimed I was whom I was because of him. His cheating always denied never apologized till the day blamed me for everything. If he know we were ending he’d have his back up on stand by. He seamed to date mostly married women. Then for what ever reason enjoy causing drama between me and the other women. He till the day is completely full of himself no regard for anyone. He is not responsible for his children and co parenting seams impossible. This last time of our seperation he took a weekend getaway with his lover and I drove him to and from the airport how sick is that not to mention he faught with me the entire time that weekend he needed time to think about our relationship so he didn’t want me to bother at that time I was 3 months pregnant. And since finding out of our 3rd child he would call and text for I to have an abortion he did not want another girl. As I soon found out he was still seeing his lover that was going to cause our divorce to years earlier then after a yr into it he deciced to come back making false promises. He also tried or did have an affair with yet another married women. And finally this last women he is now with also married I happen to be familiar with previously wked with her and clearly told him to no mess with her since I was aware of her whore ways. I’m glad he has finally left my life and someone fills that spot so he does not harass me but it does hurt to feel inadequate. Your left wondering why wasn’t I enought am I not worth it unlovable. Does he miss me or realize what he has lost. Does he hurt like I do. Why wouldn’t he just try. It’s especially difficult because of our children and as I anticipated he is not dependable nor relIable for his children. He is an absent father. He has done penty of horrible things to me but what he has put my children thru make me furious. He is truly a douch bag. I pray that one day something clicks as it finally did with me but it’s doughtful. I even asked hI’m to please just apologize he refused. As for me I did apologize when I would lash out verbally to him knowing his frail ego. So I completely understand 100 percent. It is no joke the confusion, pain guilt remorse sorrow lose and grieving for someone whom never really cared. What a sick man. I pray for anyone whom has gone thru this or is going thru this God bless

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  7. Hi all

    Today marks 1 year exactly of having no contact with my 6 year relationship he came to me like a knight in shining armour but I was introduced to much drama over the years we just battled through his problems one by one his excuses one by one I thought that’s what couples do but when it comes to my needs and wants he always had an excuse. You do so much for them for them to find excuses why they can’t get a job and pay their bills,holidays, place of our own etc you know pleasures of being an item but they accept late night calls from women and it’s not their fault they just helping a “friend” out who’s ill down and out so you keep quiet eventhough they know you ain’t happy and say just cos I’m not responding how you want me too you make a fuss so I leave and every time he would plead to take me back they love hearing you cry it’s like they wanna keep you on repeat like a record. I only ever saw a life with him my first love one day you realise your efforts are never appreciated but they appreciate lil efforts from everyone else and why can’t you be like this person or that anything but you but when you be loving them and they don’t reciporate it back who’s really loving you?? I didn’t want to go no contact but it’s the only way to get the spew of evil entangled free nothing else worked even we decided to go seperate ways he always had a way to drop in convo this would never happen if you never..(fill in gaps I’m sure you been there too). When you try be understanding they see you as gulliable helping out they see you as someone to be used it’s always on their own terms you eventually forget who you are and when they lie cheat in your face and leave you you feel such a heavy load you been carrying and it was never for you to carry.Live your life for you.Its hard but think of things you love doing more than memories of your ex remember they aren’t the person you fell in love with they long gone and so should you..Travel ,meet family and friends , go shopping..remember how it is to be free and not on egg shells . With N there will always feel like something missing like loyalty respect trust teamwork solid foundation etc Rather than trying to find “him” again find “you”.Its only when you breathe fresh air you realise how toxic some people can be.I love my ex still but I love him at a distance lol we had our chance after chance.God needs to make a man out of him before I could make a potential husband.The shortcoming is theirs not yours love you some more and the right guy will walk into your life just live in here and now like me you just “haven’t met yet”..!!!We know the red flags to look for and know to not ignore them as they serve to protect us before we just in and swim test how deep it is and if they on the same waves or is he or she is a sinking ship.relationships either build or destroy…we know now to choose wisely..Good Luck God bless Ty x

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    1. Pleased you are now free. However, beware. So many people say they know the red flags to look for and yet get suckered in again by another N. I think that when a relationship has ended an N, people miss the excitement and passion of how they ‘thought it was’ initially and when another N comes in offering the same ‘sweep you off your feet’ scenario they just dive right on in there again.
      I think the answer is always be wary of the fast passion and sweep you off your feet people. Go for the slow burn and get to know them a little before trusting. They may seem a little boring at first but boy will it save you a lot of heartache – and money – in the long run.

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      1. Thanks Barbara Its so true but im learning to nip it in the bud instantly and not hold on years to the bitter end..If the relationship is no longer sweet leave before it gets sour…I totally agree finding great people and /or things takes time ..Wishing you all the best into the next chapter Self Love and hapiness to you all..Some things in life cant be changed only accepted but we live and learn Im more selective and think twice b4 letting men into my life….some things fall apart so other prosperous things can be stand in its place. Lv Ty x

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  8. I finally done it my four year relationship with a n , I put to an end.He was so sweet when he wanted something but if he didnt he go silent for days.sometimes he speak and all be about him I tell him something serious he like yes I will have kids with you but like x he love to lie he wasn’t over he ex and talk about her all time I mean all the time.his family would talk down to me and make me feel shut. He tell me every tv program I watched was shot but his was great. He tell me my family were not good but he was that my family cos drama. Once I was having a tea and cuddle up to my dog he walked in and because I wasn’t listening straight away he stamp on my toe. He get jealous of dogs attention he get jealous if I said I like a present that he mum brought because I could only like if he brought. I know in my heart I made the right decision, as always had him saying oh you can’t cook but I can you can’t sing. I was always compare to some one or something x we were engaged but we didn’t put on Facebook because he daughter’s got enageded the same day and he said he didn’t want ruin her shine another lie. He just didn’t want the baby’s mom knows he move on so now she never well because I call it over for him not being over her and keep playing me at her expense .

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  9. My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me some lady he met at his friends party. my life was at it lowest point, i was about to end it, and everything was falling apart. I contacted Dr.Mack and after I explained my problem. just in 3 days, my husband came back to me and showed me much love and apologize for all the pain he caused me. We solved our issues, we are happy to come back together, Dr.Mack is the best spell caster, i really appreciate the love spell he did for me to get my Husband back to my life i will keep sharing more testimonies to people about this good work Thanks to Dr.Mack, if you have any relationship problem you can contact Dr.Mack for help he is always available to help you solve your problem Contact Email is (dr_mack@yahoo. com)….”

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  10. I am currently trying to end things with my N boyfriend. We have been “dating” for about 5 years. Before me he would cheat on his previous girlfriends frequently. There were a lot of red flags when I met him but I was young and naive and he was charming. He would tell me about the past abuse and cheating with his exs and his past criminal activity and I thought it was terrible. I also thought that he outgrew some of those things he no longer did it. He is very big on revenge even if he is the one who “started” the drama. He became very nasty but I excused it because he made me feel guilty for dating others while he was in jail (even though he refused to become my official boyfriend). I thought it was normal hurt and that we could work through it and BOY was I wrong. He tried to make me get his named tattooed on me, have tbreesomes. I was dumb but not that dumb and didn’t do those things. He cheated once but after that he didn’t anymore but feels that I should be grateful that he isn’t cheating on me like he did the rest. He would call me all sorts of names in fights. Was very selfish. He blamed me for him not seeing his kids. Look through my phone, emails and social media. Eventually it even got worse when we bought a home together. He didn’t like me having male friends and then he started not liking a lot of my female friends. He blames me for everything. He believes The only way I can be happy is if he is happy. Always interrupts me when I’m talking and doesn’t really listen or try to understand where I am coming from. He will has a wild imagination and will twist things, even if it makes no sense, to seem like he is a victim to justify his actions. The physical abuse started this year. He hasn’t gotten to the point of actually punching me but I wouldn’t put it past him. He would apologize and say he wouldn’t do it again and he didn’t. But he always found another way to abuse me. I started going to therapy because I had lost hope and faith that I would have a better life and was really depressed. I felt trapped. My therapist started validating the things I knew were wrong in our relationship. This is when I stared to look up narcissistic personalities and it fit him to a T. I was a bit relieved only because he had me so twisted I was starting to wonder if something was wrong with me! Discovering that he was an N was at the same time earth shattering. Knowing that he doesn’t and can’t love me. Feeling like everything was a lie. Also confirming my past suspicions that he was partly with me just so that he can hurt me. I am still going through it with him. I keep trying to convince myself that I cannot help him. My therapist who is a pyschotherapist has tried to reaffirm this to me as well. After a couples session with my N my therapist told me that he could be helped if he wanted to but it is highly unlikely that he will want to. If you all have any advice for me I sure would appreciate it. Sorry I’ve been so long winded my N has made me fear talking to my friends about my relationship so telling you all is a bit therapeutic for me.

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    1. You are very strong lady and I know to well how they like to make it always seem like it’s your thought it’s not!!I am glad you feel you could share this because of course n like us to not share and not be aware so they can keeps us In there terriable game …Stay strong and keep the faith .I couldn’t tell my friends either because he put charm on to them so they think he was great if only.I am still in the nc moment but days I do find hard but I just re read all the things that he done with in the space of four years ,I class my self as lucky to of finally break free and I hope you keep your inner strength don’t let them take that from you my dear x all the best

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    2. Hi!!! Gosh, this hits so close to home! If you want to talk, EVER! Please reach out! I’d love to chat with someone! I feel lost. 😢

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    3. Renee, you are doing the right thing in talking this through with a therapist. At least you will know you are not going mad and it is not your fault.

      Perhaps sometimes an N could be helped, or at least improved with therapy, but I suspect it is unlikely as Ns enjoy being as they are and think they are so important and intelligent. They usually enjoy leading therapists and psychiatrist on thinking they are controlling them too. Life is an evil game to Ns and they can’t stop playing it.

      Perhaps you feel a little cruel by not trying to help your N as much as you can – but remember that when you feel sorry for them they just think you are a sucker. If helping them was easy then none of us would be going through this hell would we? The N would just be whipped in for a bit of therapy and hey-presto all cured. Does your N know you are seeing a therapist? He won’t like that.

      It is very painful accepting that you were not loved, simply used. This is something that parents and children of Ns also have to come to terms with. Being a blood relative doesn’t give you any more protection. Do you have children with him and you are not married? That always complicates things.

      Read all of Carries info on getting away because it sounds like your N could get nasty.

      Good luck.

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  11. Leaving my narcissist was one of the toughest things I’ve done. After years of lies, hidden drug abuse and alcoholism and nonstop verbal abuse I was a shell of a person. I was losIng friends, family was disgusted and no one could understand what I saw in this guy. Heck, even I
    Started to wonder why I was accepting things (drugs) that I would never before. So I dumped him after years of being discarded. I went no contact. The first three weeks were easy. I was on a mission to prove to myself and others I was done. Then I left a door open. He contacted me
    And even though I was cold he was trying. We agreed to do an event together as friends. The night before the event he asked me if I would ever forgive him. I said I had but it was all the promises of change that never happened that I struggle with. He flew it Into a rage telling me he was done with me and to go F myself. (We never got back together) but I see now this gave him the confidence to believe he now dumped me. Make sense? So within days he’s with another woman professing his love. He had just told me two weeks earlier he wanted to marry me. It’s bizarre and hurts like hell. Yes I know I’m better without him. But the pain, hurt and loneliness is really hard especially knowing I’ve been replaced. So I’m trying to take my life back. I’m selling my house and relocating. I’m just looking for peace within myself….

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