Ending The Relationship With a Narcissist


The Beginning of the End

Years ago I had a friend who was in a violent relationship and try as I might to understand why she stayed I could not get my head around it. I thought I would never allow any man to treat me like that. Never say never!!

Frog Analogy

Ironically, in true narcissist fashion JC actually gave me this analogy as a way of explaining why HE stayed with ME so long and it was the catalyst to me finally accepting this man was toxic and if I was to ever be happy I had to cut him from my life. Here it is:

If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water he will jump right out
But if you put the frog in a pot of tepid water he would be quite comfortable and stay.
If you slowly increase the heat under the pot of water his body temperature will slowly increase also; he doesn’t realize he is being cooked alive and dies.

A person often fails to see exactly how bad the state of the relationship really is until substantial damage has been done. This happens because at first the relationship is perfect, the N is agreeable, even-tempered, and helpful and the woman can do no wrong, they are able to discuss anything and come to a resolution. Then out of the blue the N will go into a rage about something he thinks the woman is doing or thinking that is totally untrue. The woman is baffled, caught off guard and immediately tries to resolve the problem. It is obviously just a misunderstanding, she tries to discuss the issue, but all of a sudden the N is totally unreasonable. No matter what she tries there is no resolving the matter and she is to blame. The N probably withdraws from her in anger and she is left wondering what happened, any attempts to discuss it result in another fight so she drops it. That night she goes to bed wondering what she did to make him so angry and he comes to bed long after she’s fallen asleep, he pulls her on top of him and they have sex and he holds her tight. She is relieved, he still loves her, all is well, and he must have just had a bad day. The next morning everything seems back to normal although she feels tension in the air and a knot in her stomach but dismisses it. Little does she know the roller coaster ride has started and she didn’t even buy a ticket.

When things start to get crazy and you start doubting your sanity the best advice I can give you is to start a daily journal and keep track of finances. The N will lie, deny and twist events in trying to make you feel you are going crazy and to put up smoke screens covering his trail, a journal will help you keep events straight. After a while with my N there was so much conflict, so many incidents of infidelity, so many lies so many fits of rage I couldn’t keep them all straight and some simply got forgotten in the confusion. If he can keep you off-balance, defensive and confused you are less likely to catch him at whatever he is doing and its easier for him to make you act crazy and believe that maybe you are going insane.

N’s use ending the relationship as part of their control tactics, if you don’t do what they want when they want it done they will threaten to end the relationship; if you actually want to leave him he will go to almost any length to prevent it from happening so you are wise to do it without him knowing. The N has probably made it all but impossible for you to leave, they control the money, have probably made sure you no longer have a support system by alienating your friendships and family relations, quite possibly you don’t have reliable transportation and that isn’t taking into account the damage they have done to your self-confidence.

If you can, hide money and build a support system for when you leave, but I mean HIDE it, don’t tell him in hopes he will back off because he knows you can leave if he pushes you. If he knows you have money and a means to leave he will become that sweet, loving and agreeable guy you remember, until your guard is down and he can manipulate you into giving him the money. You have to remember you are not dealing with a rational reasonable person and no matter how out of character it feels to you to lie or hide something from the man you love, you won’t regret it later.

Whether you know it or not, they are snooping through your belongings looking for evidence you are up to something. He is lying to you so he just assumes you are lying to him plus he wants to know if you are on to him.
JC had a camera hidden so he could watch me while he was in the barn, he had an intercom strung out to the barn so he could listen in on my conversations and he had something in my truck to listen and track where I was. I know it sounds paranoid and that is what he wanted me to believe but I had his sister with me and she is the one that found the intercom and was with me in the truck. She is also the one that confirmed my secret fear; that JC was capable of killing me and making it look like an accident.

It is very common to split from a narcissist several times, the N “punishes” by withdrawing or banishing you from their divine presence. After a period of time, a few weeks or months, they figure you should have learned your lesson and will reappear laying on the charm, telling you what you want to hear and you go back and the cycle begins again. Personally, after we had split half a dozen times I truly didn’t think he would ever really leave me; it had become “just the way the relationship was” and he was confident that he could do anything and I would always welcome him back with open arms. I even tried reasoning with JC, pointing out that every time he had said he wanted to end it he almost immediately wanted me back so let’s save ourselves a lot of time, money and heartache and pretend we broke up and get to the part where you want me back. But there is no “reasoning” with a narcissist; cognitive thinking is not their strong suite.

In an attempt to keep the peace with the narcissist you have slowly given up control of the finances, given up your support system of family and friends and you feel you are stuck to ride this emotional roller coaster from hell for ever more. In my case I actually felt the pain of leaving exceeded the pain of staying and I thought I could “make” it work no matter what and I would never leave. I felt I was stuck for so many reasons, lack of resources, I feared his rage, and the thought of leaving hurt so bad I didn’t think I’d survive. I thought I could ride it out and just not react to his raging, but that doesn’t work, he wants a reaction and will not give up until he gets it.
The N gets more cruel and hateful until you crack; and then like a volcano that has simmered and finally blows he spews venomous bile all over you, in my case I would get punched and he would scream into my face what an ungrateful bitch I was and it was over. I would believe him and start making plans to leave; then he would deny ever saying it. Eventually it was impossible to stay, I truly thought if I didn’t leave he would kill me, to say he treated me with loathing would be an understatement. But by this time I had nothing, absolutely nothing, I was terrified, where would I go, how would I go, I was stuck; I prayed he would kill me and end this torture.

Like me, you are NOT stuck, you don’t have to stay, but you do need to get help because leaving is not easy. Believe me you can do it, if I could find a way out so can you!! You need to find a trusted friend, someone you can confide in, if not a friend or family member, perhaps a support group for abused women, or a forum on one of the many web sites about being involved with a narcissist, but you need someone who will confirm you are not crazy, it is not your fault and you don’t deserve the way the N in your life has treated you.

Be very careful to not let the N know you are planning your escape, when you hear of a woman being killed by a lover it is usually when the relationship is ending so it would be very prudent to plan your exit very carefully. Don’t worry about taking furniture, things can be replaced, take your mementos and think about safety first, not fairness to the N, or revenge, just get out and don’t look back. I found that JC got the most violent and scary when he thought I was actually going to leave, it was at those times I truly thought he could kill me. If you think about it you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, you probably know things about him that he doesn’t want anyone else to know, if you leave he loses all control over your actions, who you associate with etc, he doesn’t want to have to give up anything, pay child support or be inconvenienced in any way, if you were to die or just disappear, he doesn’t have to deal with any of those things. No matter how he feels about you he certainly doesn’t want to think you would be happy without him or God forbid with any one else.

Narcissists can’t stand being alone and will never let you leave unless he has your replacement firmly hooked. But it will happen eventually, don’t kid yourself.
I truly never thought it would end, I didn’t know what would happen, but after 10 yrs, after we had recommitted to each other I really didn’t think he would actually find someone else. No matter what I read about Narcissists, and how closely he fit every description of an N that I found, and our relationship followed the described stages, I really thought he loved me, I thought I was special, I thought we were different. How foolish of me. It wasn’t that I was surprised he had a new woman, he had screwed around our whole relationship, had personal ads our whole relationship I had found love letters he had written to other women, but he always came back to me. He had said that once, “I don’t know why you get so upset, I always come back to you.” And I had thought, yeah because I am the only one stupid enough to always take you back.
Then there was the conversation we had just before I moved out, when he had blamed me for the relationship failing and I had mentioned that he was the one who continually had personal ads and screwed around. He got that exasperated look on his face and said,” And what did you do?” I said,” I stayed.” And he looked at me over his glasses and said,” EXACTLY” and went back to reading his magazine. In that moment a part of me died because I saw him for what he was, empty, heartless and no one I could love.

When the narcissist realizes they can get nothing more from you, either they have drained you of all resources or you are so “on to them” they can no longer manipulate you into doing what they want they will move on. There is no such thing as “amicably” splitting from an N, even if it is his idea, he will punish you for not living up to his fantasy and not having an endless narcissistic supply; he will cast you aside as being worthless treat you with disdain. He will not be fair in the division of property, the breakup will be all your fault and he will expect you to still be there for him until he is firmly enmeshed in a new relationship.

You must remember you are not dealing with a “normal” person; they have no feelings, guilt, or even the ability to love, no matter what they tell you. As JC said to me once when I reminded him of his tearful apology, promises and professions of love when he begged me back, “I told you what you wanted to hear”.
They lead a very fragile fantasy life, that is why they must control every aspect of it, including you, they will not allow you to destroy their illusion, they will not face reality, don’t try to make them. If you think about it they are to be pitied, they are so empty and ill-equipped to deal with the real world they can’t function without someone constantly feeding their ego. It is impossible to break up and remain friends with an N, if you aren’t a source of ns then you are of no use to an N and if you take his ns away you are his enemy and he will do anything to make you pay.

The Healing Begins

Breaking up with a narcissist is different from a “normal” breakup and there lies another problem that makes the relationship with an N so damaging. As if being involved with them isn’t toxic enough but to then have to go through the breakup after you are emotionally, financially, mentally and maybe even physically depleted of all resources combined with the lack of support and empathy from family, friends, and society in general can make it all but impossible to heal. The victim ends up feeling as she has been kicked almost to death and left to die in her own pool of blood while the one who was kicking her goes off to live happily ever after with someone is young, beautiful and full of life (and narcissistic supply). The ONLY people who can understand the devastation are those who have survived a significant relationship with a Narcissist.

In a healthy relationship break up one grieves:
The dream of love not continuing
The loss of familiarity
The pain of saying goodbye
The sadness of having ill will between you and someone you love/loved.
A sense of loss
Living with the memories of past pleasures, shared experiences, visiting places you once went together.
Hope interrupted
Well wishing put aside for self-survival
Feelings of failure

But when grieving an N a person deals with all the above and other ingredients such as:
The nightmare of going from being idealized to being devalued.
Discovering the web of lies at many many levels
Coming to terms with the terrible realization that you were never an object of love but a source of narcissist supply. That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension.
Coming to the understanding that your nostalgic and tender memories of loving times are corrupted by the N’s agenda.
Feeling isolated and alone with your grief because people don’t believe or feel you must be exaggerating about some of the weird things the N did. Some of the N’s actions are so unbelievable it sounds like the plot to a suspense movie, even when the movie is based on a true story it is still a movie and not happening in their world. I think people just simply don’t want to accept that their neighbor, co-worker, family member could be that evil and cruel without provocation.
Discovering with some relief mingled with horror that the person you loved was not the person you thought you loved.
Everything, simply every aspect of the relationship is tarnished in light of the realization that it was typical of all N relationships and nothing was “real”.
When one hears about a healthy ex moving on, dating, marrying, or has gone totally from their life there is sadness and the letting go of what could have been. But as time goes by that sting turns to acceptance and well wishing and the ex becomes one of your fond memories. But with an N ex, they invariably move on immediately, flaunt their new relationship and of course are being their charismatic sweet selves as they “hook” their new victim and blame you for all the problems in the relationship. The survivor is flooded with conflicting thoughts; Will they ever come into my life again? Will they miss my N supply was I not good enough, maybe they really have changed, maybe it was all me, even if they are abusing their new partner there is a feeling of inadequacy.
Not being able to get closure except to accept that the ex is disfigured, deformed and always dangerous. There are no explanations, no shared blame; you are left to deal with it as best you can while they coldly move on without a backwards glance.
You have spent however long with the N as your main focus whether it is walking on eggshells trying to prevent an N rage, being hyper sensitive to their moods, denying your own feelings to avoid conflict, suspicion, the constant barrage of criticism, defending yourself to false allegations and your own struggles to deal with the warped reality of the N and now you are expected to act “normally” when you don’t even remember what normal is anymore.
Feelings of failure, not just of the relationship but you failed to protect yourself (and perhaps the children), failed to be “enough” for the N and now people’s lack of understanding is making you feel that you are a failure at grieving and healing.
The impatience of society in general who can’t understand why you are grieving at all and feel you should be happy to be free of your tormentor.
You are left feeling empty, raped, the victim of a holocaust; was it all for nothing? All that pain, all the effort, all the forgiving and trying is nothing more than a loss. It isn’t lost love; it is a dark abyss that evolves from nothing into nothing.

Life without the narcissist in it will be better, less conflict, no one telling you white is black, no one criticizing you, no one expecting the impossible and blaming you for their unhappiness. Unfortunately again, the minute they see you getting stronger they will try anything, say anything, to get you back, because you now have resources they want. You must stay strong and not give them an inch, it is not possible to stay friends, and narcissists do not change! They don’t change because they don’t think they have any flaws or faults! Just keep remembering, if you stay or go back the pain will never stop, only get worse, once you leave you can start the healing process and healing WILL occur.
It’s been 6 months and I am still sleeping on the couch, still waking up in tears, and still have to force myself to eat, work and carry on. But life is getting better, I don’t cry every day any more, I don’t jump when the phone rings, I don’t call him or message him any more, I have more money again, I laugh more, my bad days are further apart, well in fact I have good days, that in itself is an improvement.

The Stages of Healing (Suffering)

Looking for Answers

What we need most is certainty, stability, and we want answers. Our world has been turned upside down and inside out, we are disoriented from everything we valued, our beliefs, morals, boundaries and self-confidence being smashed against the “granite faced” reality of a psychopathic narcissist. It is a reality so alien to us and so twisted we are sent spinning into the deepest, darkest, unfathomable abyss with no way of getting back.

For me, the only way I can describe how I felt was total devastation. Initially I think I was operating on auto-pilot, packing, moving, saying good-bye, sure there were tears but I was just kinda numb. I was saying this was it, this was the last time, and he was acting like he hated me, even worse than the times before, but I still think deep down I thought somehow it would never really end.

I felt I needed his approval, that my life was empty without him, we talked daily on the phone, I knew he was probably dating, he’d had personal ads and dates when we were together of course now that we weren’t living together he would be going at it full force. But as usual once we were split he started being nice again and the little glimmer of hope started deep inside me. We had been apart 2 ½ months, but he was still “fixing” my truck (that he destroyed to begin with) I wasn’t able to work so was reliant on him and he was resentful. He was stopping by to get money off me when ever I was able to work, still phoning and saying he missed me and loved me.

Although we know the narcissist is not good for us we become obsessed with him. For one thing, he has programmed us to make him our life, without him in it, a large part of our lives is now empty plus he is our link to life and our sanity. We somehow feel he holds the key to our survival and we look to him to give us back what he took, our life. We know on some unconscious level that he has something we need. That something is our soul.

When I found out about the women he was seeing, a married woman and a widow and he was so cold about it and uncaring and saying horrible things to me and it became obvious he had used me as his “sure thing” until he had a new victim firmly under his spell; that is when I totally fell apart. It wasn’t that I was shocked by him and his lack of love and his callousness towards me it was my realization of how delusional I was and how I had lied to myself. All of a sudden I hated him like I have never hated someone in my life and I knew I would never get what I needed from him and it was up to me to heal myself.

From there I had to try to accept that everything I had given up, the compromises I had made, the values I had given up, all the times I had forgiven him and all the tears I had cried had been for NOTHING, just a sham and none of it meant a thing to him. He went straight from saying I love you to me one day to literally moving in with another woman the next and being disgusted with my emotional display.

I have accepted that, and now I know I could never go back, go back to what? There is nothing to go back to, except abuse because I now know without a doubt that I did everything I could to make him happy and I know now that he will say anything and do anything to get what he wants, at that moment.

new self
Now I have to get over the loneliness and try to regain my self esteem. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that it had nothing to do with me, I have lost all my confidence when it comes to being with a man. I never doubted that I was attractive to men and able to keep a man satisfied sexually and otherwise but now I doubted everything, from how intelligent I am to whether I take too long to have an orgasm. But the process has begun and now I know it is just going to take time, he doesn’t control me any more.

381 thoughts on “Ending The Relationship With a Narcissist

  1. Rhonda M

    This reads like I’ve written it myself. The most devastating experience. 12 years…i finally ended it with him after catching him cheating with many women (someone told me). It was the final straw…I am on the ‘no contact’ phase now, but have to go through some legal processes now to split mortgage,etc. he is hateful toward me now because he knows i am done. i hate him for what he has done. Every word in this post is how I feel. My heart aches for all of you, as the pain is so raw. Time will help dull the pain. We must push on and do the work to heal ourselves- remember- they cannot be fixed—they are master manipulators and will try and convince you they will change. They’ve shown you who they are, believe it when you see it the first time, folks. Move on and get some help so you can stay away–they are malicious, manipulative, and don’t know love…they pretend at all times :(.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nancy

      I couldn’t have said it any better. It’s been 12 years for me also & this March makes 13. I have left many times but I always come back. This time I am armed with knowledge & emotional detachment. This time will be for good. I love this blog it is true through & through. Thank you


    2. Jessica

      Wow…wow…wow…i never realized so many women deal with all of this
      I went through all of this with SPC
      ..because I’m facing legal battles I really do not want to use his name. The n has been in and out of my life since 2011. He was the most loving warm charming man for maybe 2 months before I saw red flags, that gut instinct I didn’t want to listen to…and it was screaming at me right away. I still can’t believe how fast I knew something wasn’t right. My friend knew him for a long time and he did say ” Jess he is a bad guy, you deserve so much better, he will cheat, he will put you through misery” and misery is such an understatement. I admit I moved too quickly into the relationship. I had just ended an almost 5 year relationship with a verbally abusive guy, he was a punk but none the less I was already damaged from that. Along comes SPC promising he would never hurt me I was his world his queen, the other half of the yin yang. The red flag right away was him telling me I needed to cut tieswith any male friends if I truly wanted it to work, how incredibly controlling right? But I thought I get it, we are starting a life together and we need a clean slate. Once I did lose every friend, I isolated myself from my family, I never went anywhere because he would call 15 times if I went to Wal-Mart, I actually watched him follow me to the store in his truck and turned around once he saw that’s where I really was, that was odd but alright, the next few days he took my vehicle to work and left me his truck, I went to get in the truck to go to the store while he was working and it wouldn’t start I thought ok the battery must be dead, I asked someone to come jump it so I could go about my day, one of my friends that I told I really couldn’t talk to anymore still came and tried to help the cables didn’t work come to find out SPC had taken a part out of the truck so it wouldn’t start. Now these are huge indicators of an incredibly insecure controlling manipulate person, and I still continued to ignore the voice inside me. I have been accused of being a pornstar by SPC accused of inviting men over to have sex with me while I was on the phone with him, having affairs with guys he knew , that he worked with. He even accused me of having affairs with women more then one, he tried to convince me that someone had put out a sex tape of me, that was definitely all such untrue hurtful disgusting accusations. I stayed up nights crying while he was next to me peacefully sleeping, as if the mental torture didn’t exist. At first I thought he was bi- polar and socially awkward, but after about 2 years of this and extreme physical abuse that I was too ashamed to tell anyone about, I started doing more research. I saw the fact that nothing and I mean absolutely nothing was ever his fault, it was always somebody else’s doing, his thoughts of himself were delusional and grandiose. His paranoia was way to extreme to fathom, everyone was out to get him, plotting against him, trying to take what he had worked so hard for. His friends were now on the outs with him, no one wanted to be around him, and I was stuck with all this extreme explosive, evil rage. He threatened me with his revolver, holding it to my head and telling me “I’m a whore, that does not deserve to breathe his air” . Thereis really no terror like waking up to a drunk evil looking man, black eyes like there was no soul, Ponting a loaded revolver right between your eyes. I still stayed after that, I was so ashamed that I could allow myself to be so abused and I still extended my hand, there is no doubt in my mind after finally one last incident that he is a narsisstic personality and most likely at least asociopath. After 10 years and finally a proposal, he had tortured me for the last time, screaming at me for no reason, telling me he is not a keepsake telling me to pack my stuff and leave, I saw the evil look in his eyes that night, shoving me so hard I almost came off my feet, I had enough, I ran outside and called 911, and SPC comes out of his house and points a gun in the general direction of the police cars, maybe unaware that I called them, his immediate reaction was to open the door holding a gun, I could not take anymore, he took everything from me, my light, my happiness, my self esteem, my friends, I even flunked out of college because of the emotional stress, he made me get rid of my car, I could have been homeless, if my family had not known about the violent past, there is no question now if I ever even thought of going back my family wouldn’t know how to deal anymore, my mother told me “i can’t live every minute, not knowing if he is going to kill you, and make no mistake he will”. I cry everyday at least twice, I hardly eat, I don’t sleep much, I shake, I drink. Please this is a plead if anyone reading this ever sees these red flags so early, LEAVE NOW, don’t wait for him to mentally, emotionally physically drain every tiny bit of life out of you. No-one deserves this type of pain, no one should ever feel the hate I feel for this person. The anger alone is enough to eat me alive, now I just get a little bit of ease knowing he will face probation, he will have to take domestic violence classes, he will be drained in his wallet, he will not be able to travel to do this to anyone else, he will have this on his background forever, and all of that will still never be enough of a price, I can’t put a price on myself, my well being my heart, and that’s what he took, no amount of time and money will ever be consequence enough for the life he has forever changed, the lives he will inevitably change for others, domestic violence is not ok, verbal abuse is not ok, and to change the patterns of toxic relationships I have to change myself my core beliefs of behaviors I’ve accepted, and I do not know when I’ll ever be able to be at peace and have a successful balanced relationship. That thought bothers me all the time, don’t make excuses for your abuser, just remember you teach people how to treat you, if that pattern is toxic it is time to look within yourself and work on you
      SPC still says he never did this, I’m a liar, I’m q drug addict, I used him, I knew that would be the things he would say, and it still hurts. All people not just women, not just men, all humans deserve to love and be loved, all humans deserve to be happy, truly happy. One…later guys.


      1. Barbara

        Thank goodness you have broken free. Please do not worry about having a stable relationship in the future, because eventually you will. Do not even think about another relationship yet as you need time to recover. Anyone escaping an N is extremely vulnerable and at the moment you may as well be wearing a big red flashing beacon on your head saying ‘victim ready for abuse’ because you will attract every N for miles around. You know from personal experience that they come in making you think they are ideal, empathetic and your perfect partner – no such thing, beware! People tend to think that if they are not in a relationship they are a failure. That is not true. Your first responsibility is to your own health and well being. Nurture yourself for a while, get strong, rebuild your friendships and family ties.

        Your N sounds exactly like my son and he does exactly the same thing to the vehicle of his girlfriends when he thinks they might be going somewhere he doesn’t want them to go somewhere. He also makes their mobiles so he knows where they are and can read their texts. He has to have control of them. His latest girlfriend has been with him five years now and they have two children. She once had her own business – that money has gone now. She was walking on egg shells from the minute she had had their first baby and he knew she was trapped. She is still trying to convince herself that he is not that bad and is not telling her family of her fears. I know he is sadistic and cruel to her, he was to all of the others. I told her he was evil but she got all defensive of him and told him. His unbelievably high level of grandiosity runs in my ex mother in laws family where there is a very strong line of schizophrenics and narcissistic psychopaths. Unfortunately, I think he will never allow her to leave because of the children. He regards them as his possession and I think he would rather kill her and them than let them go.

        Concentrate on making yourself well and strong and good luck with it all.


        1. Jessica

          Barbra, I’m so sorry someone close to you is in this process of hurt. All you can hope is that one day she realizes her and the kids deserve so much more, that enough will be enough and she will get out. The support system she will need is vital, it’s so important to realize your not alone in this fight, especially because there are kids in the picture, they should never grow up thinking that type of behavior is acceptable. I pray she finds the strength I pray all women do, change is possible within ourselves, can’t change the N it’s just not possible but it is possible to call attention to it and make sure he takes responsibility in one form or another, wether by force or willingness, it has to change. We are powerful, and we need to love ourselves before anyone else truly can


          1. Barbara

            Thanks Jessica. Most times I just try and pretend it is not all happening. Living about an hour a way I can do that. I am thinking about going to see her grandmother soon just to check in and see how it is going. Unfortunately, when I last saw the grandmother she was also taken in by my son, how helpful he was etc. Trouble is that since his direct family have turned their backs on him (me included) because he is so incredibly nasty and threatening, plus he takes money all the time, he knows that he has burned a lot of bridges and so is nice to the grandmother. I am amazed how long he has kept it up without blowing his top. Part of me thinks I should just stay away because since they have stepped into the scene it has been easier to do that. Coward that I am. I know though that one day she and the children are going to need help and I know that in doing so I am going to bring a reign of terror down on myself for going against him.


            1. Jessica

              Your not a coward your a human, and you never should be afraid of him. Your not the coward he IS. Any man son or not if he feels he needs to control a woman it’s because he is a scared LITTLE boy…if you think you can get them out you should report this abuse yourself, at least then there is a record of what’s going on. No person should be allowed to get away with this. Do what you can, when you can, and never tall yourself down.


              1. Jessica

                No woman or even person should ever feel like they can’t express themselves I know the narcs are incredibly manipulative and good at what they do, but an honest person can’t lose, you can only protect you and yours,and you have the primal right to protect your family if there are weapons in the home that should be noted…SPC had the revolver and an assault rifle that didn’t stop me from protecting my dog, I have a blue pitbull he told me one night if I tried to leave he would kill my dog and then me that night I got my animal out of there leaving with no gas,no money and hoping my family would take me in well my mom I dropped bubbles my dog at a friends house and went to my mom’s when SPC passed out. No one should take that chance if he threatens that’s enough, from then on he kept asking why I would not ever have blue around anymore I told him he is fine where he is and until I see a change bubba wouldn’t be back, well guess what he never changed and I to this day live with my mother and bubba is with my best friend and I see him everyday. Happy and healthy the way it should be, no innocent life deserves that, be strong, be calm,be aware of the things you can’t change and what you can. The narc won’t change so what will. It’s either him or me right, and I could not allow it to be me.


        2. Meli

          I went through a relationship like that w my 9m old sons father. Luckily I was able to pull away and get custody. I feel too as if he would kill me to get his son or even harm him to make me loose and pay for having him. I often wonder if I my son may grow up and be like him. How awful to Know your son is not a good person and you can’t do anything about it when you see the pain he causes. Especially when you were not the one to instill that behavior. Maybe you can talk with her family privately to help her. Thank you for reminding me as well that my son does come from his fathers family.


      1. Robert Kennedy

        I am stunned by the revelations in this blog. I feel as though they are written about me except…….my N is a woman I’ve been married to for 40 years. Why is so little help available to men who have suffered this kind of abusive relationship with a narcissistic woman? Why is narcissism and psychopathy in general so rounded considered a masculine attribute?


        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Robert, unfortunately it is seen as a “male” attribute because statistically male narcissists out number female narcs 2 to 1. Now, that said, it could be that men as less likely to look for answers and help than women; so the stats aren’t accurate. Men tend to not want to appear weak, society doesn’t accept that a man can be abused, and often times the police etc are more apt to believe the woman is the victim.
          I talk in terms of the narc being male just because that is my experience but I do acknowledge that there are most definitely female narcissists and they operate much the same way as the male variety.
          I believe that in domestic abuse situations the abuser is most likely a narcissist/psychopath and again, stats say that 1 in 3 women will end up being abused in her life and 1 in 7 men. Men very rarely die in an abusive relationship but women often do.
          It seems society doesn’t start to take abuse seriously until someone dies.
          That is true for women and men.
          I think you find more blogs etc on the net discussing narcissism focussed on men because women are writing them. Women tend to be more open and unafraid to admit “weakness” and look for answers and support.
          I am sure if a man started a blog about female narcissists he would attract a mostly male readership.
          Maybe you should start a blog, with 40 years experience with a female N, I am sure you have alot to share that others would benefit from.
          I would suggest using an alias though. I don’t know if you used your real name to comment here but I suggest you use an alias whenever commenting on sites like this. Narcs usually snoop to see what their partner is doing because they just assume everyone is lying like they are and out to get them.
          Why have you not left your wife? The kids must be grown by now.
          Thanks for commenting. Any advice I give applies to men and women, I am just a lazy writer.😉 Hugs


  2. Renee Still

    I managed to get out after 4 years, divorce final 12/29. It was a long gut wrenching road involving abuse, women, lies, Craigslist ads, drugs.. you name it.. years of it… each tortureous event more harsh than the last. The best advice I can give, and I WANT to give, as I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.. is: you are not defined by this experience. Trust the red flags, do not ignore them, and don’t accept excuses for their behavior.
    This “relationship” is not real. As hard as it is to believe, (and I’m a highly educated congitive, sane person) it took a year for me to research, read books, and talk to women in support groups before I truly believed I slept next to a monster every night. You WANT to believe this isn’t the case. Humanaity has taught you that you MUST be wrong. But that in itself is the power the narcissist has over you. Read that again. Please. I questioned how someone I loved and was prepared to grow old with, could be so malicious, soulless, ….a predator. I married a predator, he targeted me for my good yet he acted with intent…and I didn’t see it until it was too late.
    That is what will feel like the shameful embarrassing realization. Accept it. Accept you are a victim of a narcissist and switch into survivor mode.
    I am good, and loyal, and smart, and kind.
    The narcissist has chosen you because of this. Do not let the narcissist convince you otherwise, he lives to distort your reality. How can this be you ask? Seemly it’s impossible for a human being to do this to another.
    Obtain the book “Psychopath Free”, it helped me tremendously. The above article is spot on, and thousands of other articles just like it. Common denominators, that you find yourself rationalizing “well, it’s not quite as extreme, he’s different, he’s a good dad, I believe he can change” .. he will not because he can’t. I’m sorry.
    He is aware of this and he is malicious. Calculated. But there will not be a moment where the light bulb goes off for him. This is who he (or she) is. We all think we’re enough, if we make them feel safe, wanted, needed, try harder, love harder..be sexier, appreciate them more, what about our future dreams, our kids… our parents…. As sure as this has happened to me, believe despite what they say, that you are nothing to them, and you surely will be replaced.
    This realization will be overwhelmingly sad. Some already know this. You feel this through instinct and intuition. It’s in your stomach right now.
    Preparing for this is key. And it’s ok.
    You will be ok even though you feel like you might die. I wanted to die, it seemed easier than accepting this was my reality.
    That’s the first step to breaking the cycle.
    Say “I will not be this person”
    Say “ I will not be a victim”.
    Out loud.
    Realize through the overwhelming shock and confusion… and loss.. that “love” is not this and you deserve happiness.
    The narcissist will appear to have feelings, vulnerabilities.. real emotion.. they cry, make excuses, promises… (but they’ve broken them before haven’t they)
    but you must see past this. They do not have the ability to feel empathy.
    It will shatter you and hurt like hell.
    But you MUST accept it.
    i always say I didn’t give up on my marriage, I survived it.
    You can and will survive this if you break the cycle.
    If this touches just one soul… you are not alone. We are out here, surviving, healing, waiting for you to break free.


  3. Vanessa

    Wow. This is exactly my life, thoughts and feelings. 27 years Ive been tortured. I just discovered Narcissism or I would have gotten out right away. My N made me dependent on him, isolated me from my father and friends by moving me out of state to the country then cancelled my car insurance so iI couldnt leave and beat me so until I was bed ridden. Gave me the silent treatment for four months. I got my own car insurance. He is a mechanic and he says if I try to leave he will tinker with my car so I die in a car crash and no investigator will ever know what he did. I tell him to just kill me cause I can’t live with this kind of abuse. Just like the article said. He’s so cruel. No one I know could ever understand my suffering. Im so weak now. He took all my money and confidence. How will I ever get out? How?!


    1. mazlindaabuhassan

      Omg. Your story is 22 years of my life and I am still living this life. I leave a hundreds times but still here I am. Isolated. I dnt have any friends anymore as they affraid of the n. My family still don’t understand why I can’t just leave. Please anyone … i want me back. Me and my 7 kids.
      This is very manipulating N.


  4. Jessica

    The difference between your gut feeling and paranoia is that impending doom you may feel in the pit of your stomach, that is your inner voice telling you something really is not right, almost like your in a plane that’s crashing to the earth, you can feel the fear, and you will know when you feel it. Don’t ignore that feeling, I knew every time and I convinced myself that he would eventually change for me, that I was special, maybe he was just really drunk, he took to many pills, he would eventually realize how wrong his behavior is. Trust me, every time you get accused of cheating or lieing, he is projecting his truth onto you. Don’t convince yourself verbal abuse is not as bad, there are good men out there, loving secure fantastic men. This is a battle and every time I think it’s getting a little better I take a step back, but I broke free of the control and abuse, anyone can, but it’s gonna take a lot of strength and a support system, if your fearing any of these painful thoughts please don’t ignore them or minimize them, narsisstic abusers don’t change, in their own eyes they have done nothing wrong, and he will never take responsibility. Eventually he will have drained you and that’s when he will either kill you, or do every thing in his power to sabatoge the relationship until you walk away or he has put you in a mental hospital, he will make you question your reality, convince you your the crazy one, who is exaggerating his behavior, this is only because he has to keep you in a confused state of mind, walking on eggshells,and validating his every move. He will either be your entire life in a toxic way, or he won’t be at all. I felt like I was on a merry go round from the pits of help, I actually told my mom if I disappear he did something to me. Whyshould a mother ever have to hear her child say that. I am going to say there will be no end to his abusive controlling ways, until he has ruined you, he will not be satisfied, men like this can’t picture you with anyone else, even if they have had countless sexual partners that he will lie about. My ex choked me, and threw a glass at my head, then when out that night and hit on his friends new girlfriend she told me he came over and was directly hitting on her right in front of his friend, and he awarded himself a swollen eye and fat lip. Of course he told me that he got into an argument over me and got punched, na that wasn’t true, I believe him of course at first and waited on him hand and footfor days until I learned the truth, when I confronted him, he said everyone was jealous of the love we have, and their trying to break us up. He convinced me that there was something wrong with me, I was gaining weight, or I was too thin, if I was outgoing I was being flirtatious, if I didn’t speak, I was being a depressing bitch. If we didn’t have sex I was giving it to someone else, if we had to much sex, I was being needy or slutty. If I laughed I was making fun of him, if I didn’t laugh, I wasn’t being admirable enough. If I even went to my mom’s, I was telling my mom to lie for me so I could go out and party, if u pushed my family away, then I was being a hermit and a recluse. I could never win, I could never be right about anything, I eventually just didn’t have opinions, I would even avoid going to the store with him, because if I even looked at another guy I was trying to sleep with them. I’m this type of relationship, if you don’t get out early on he will make it harder and harder for you to have any type of independence. Eventually your job, your car,your freinds,even your pets will be gone,because he has to be your soul focus, but he will have his freinds,job and family and force you to only have them as your inner circle. Make no mistake though, if anything happens or you get into an argument he will turn everyone against you,telling his family you have used him,cheated on him,lied to him,and he is the one always taking you back because your the damaged one. This will be one of the most hurtful realities, because he is so good at manipulating everyone around him, you will actually start to question, every part of the day. I can recall conversations me and SPC would have, that were very disturbing on his part, and then he would deny those convos ever took place. I’m sorry, he won’t change,he has no real feelings, he can’t empathize, he won’t take responsibility for hurting you ever….unfortunately he may move right into another relationship after he has ruined everything in your life and callously and calculatinly throw you out completely. If this is your reality right now, your not alone, your not the only one going through this, we are survivors of it, and all I can hope is that one person even will see this and get out. Start healing now and don’t accept this anymore


  5. Jessica

    No woman man or child deserves to suffer…i guess my experience was so strong that it changed me but may be it was for the better. Today I woke up feeling like my old sexy fun self and it’s all gonna go uphill from here….stay strong ladies and remember your beautiful


  6. Lori

    I am 6 weeks out from my freedom from my narc!!! I left him!!! 7 years living together!! I am on my road to recovery!! Has not been easy but with no contact and literally ghosting from all mutual acquaintances and changing my number I am finally FREE!!! I wish everyone good luck and a narc free life!! Remember Love yourself!!!!


  7. LG

    What have I been dealing with?

    In December 2017 I had an interview via Skype for a job I applied in another country. I was interviewed and I wasn’t offered the job but somehow the person who interviewed me and I started chatting via whatsapp. We were talking quite a lot. After a couple of days, I asked if he was married by any chance to what he said yes. I thought to stop there and then but he went onto say that he wasn’t happy in the marriage, that he felt he had married that person in order to not stay alone and that he didn’t want to spend the next 30 years of his life like this. Married 25 years and 3 children. (10 years back he had moved in with another woman and after 2 months he returned home because of the children). He told me he was falling in love with me, that his heart was mine, that he wanted to live with me, be a couple and that he was serious about me. We continued talking.

    Coincidentally, at that same time I was offered another job I had applied for in that same country where he lives and where he is from and I took it. This job was in a city 300 kms away from where he is. He told me things such as – “being without you is not an option”, “I want to replace my current relationship” (with me) and so on. I really believed what he told me. Thing is that after about 2 months he came to visit me one day and told me out of the blue that he was not leaving his family and was staying. Somehow, we continued talking but during the 8 months I was living there he came to see me a total of 5 times for about 12 hours each time. Many times, he wouldn’t reply to my messages on whatsapp, another time I was talking to him and told him that he didn’t seem to have the initiative to call and that I was feeling things had changed. He hung up on me while we were talking and told me he wasn’t wasting his Sunday listening to things like this. He refused to answer my messages for hours on end and never apologised. Then he went onto say that he didn’t do that to people, i.e. hanging up. There were many times I would see him online on messenger and whatsapp but he always denied talking to others. Even at the start I remember twice when he said he was going to sleep at 11 PM and then I would see him online at 1 AM. He would never ask me how my weekends were or what I did despite knowing I was alone in a foreign country and knew no one. One weekend I was sick and he wouldn’t even ask how I was. He said we were not living together and therefore he didn’t have to ask and that he wasn’t my babysitter. If I had a toothache he wouldn’t ask and he would say he is not like that. He always would say he likes me a lot but when I asked what he liked he would say – I will tell you one day or I’d rather tell you what I don’t like because I will finish quicker. Another day I told him I like him and what I liked and when I asked back he said I had described it very well and that he would use exactly my same words.

    I stayed there for 8 months and decided to go back to my country and leave everything in November 2018. He told me he was convinced we would see each other again and I didn’t really understand how since I was going back home in a different country. After one month, in December 2018 while we were talking one day he told me that the person who was working at his company, which was the position he initially interviewed me for, was leaving and if I was interested in the job. I didn’t have a job at the time and I said yes so this time at the beginning of January 2019 I moved to the city he lives in and where he works to work with him. I must say that he didn’t promise a relationship but he never told me there would be nothing between us. In fact, I came back and there was something going on between us including sex. He always would say he was staying with his family and that this would stay that way. For 2 months he was nice to me although he barely saw me – just maybe once every two weeks. In the office he flirted with me when people were not around and he looked happy to have me here. We went twice for dinner and the last time he said we could go somewhere the next time. And I travelled back home for a week to get stuff from there and he told me “please, come back”. I asked why he offered me the job and he said that it was better to have me here than back where I lived in my country.

    He was with me last time on the 11th of March – sex included. The next day I asked if we could have dinner sometime and he started to be really angry saying we couldn’t have dinner every second day!!! – we had had dinner twice in 3 months. He was talking to me in such an angry state to the point he told me to get off the car and that he was leaving with me or without me in it. I was shaking, in shock not knowing what I had done wrong. The times he would visit me he would spend 1 hour at the most, had sex and soon later out of the door. I felt bad, really bad but kept going.

    Out of the blue a few days later after being together and after spending the whole weekend without answering a single message I sent, he tells me he has a crisis at home and that he has to deal with it and follow a certain order but he didn’t want to share details with me. He mentioned something about drugs with his son but my intuition told me there was something else. He told me it was better to distance the situation between us and to be friends. I insisted and he ended up telling me “yes I met someone very recently and it is serious”. I asked “but you were seeing me” and he said “yes, but not at the same level”. Then he goes home at 11 PM on a weekday and tells his wife about this and the next day he travels to meet the new woman. He told me the wife was very shocked and I don’t know what he proposed to her. He is planning to move out now for someone he met days ago when he had always told me he was staying at home and this was not changing.

    He refused talking to me, walked out on me every time I wanted to talk, shouted and even at the beginning when he was very nice to me one day, he told me he would like to have me in the basement and he would give me food and drink.

    Now I wonder, he always told me he would stay where he is with his family, now he meets someone a few days ago and he leaves when on top of that there are family problems with one of the sons. The other woman married with children too. I don’t know what this has been really and I am leaving this job and country. I can’t work with him anymore and this was a mistake to accept this job. He told me he would hate not to have me in this office because he likes to work with me and have me around.

    From my post you may know I am alone in the country I am in, no friends and no family.

    I gave this person the resignation letter at the end of March ( although witout signature) that I was leaving at the end of April. He confirmed it in writing, that I would leave end of April. My soul and intuition told me to leave. I could not continue working there. His presence was intoxicating.

    I did tell him I dont want to see him ever again either as a partner, friend as he proposed ( only when it suited him as he already had someone new) or as a colleague. I told him all I think of him and how he played with me and used me.

    At the beginning of April I go to work and I receive an email from him copying HR and my colleague saying I had to hand in the key today and that my services are no longer needed there although I would get paid for the month of April. I responded by email asking the reason why copying HR and stating that he had confirm my departure as of the end of April. He came to my desk angry and shouted in front of everyone to give the key and leave. I said I wanted a reason. He said he doesn’t have to give me a reason. This with the whole office listening. He switched off my computer and I said I had to close my email. He removed keyboard and mouse aggressively and told me that was the company’ s property. I told him whatever he had to tell me to do it in private. He didn’t. He continued talking to me like this in front of everyone. By the way, I continued to do my job as usual even if I informed I was leaving at the end of the month. I asked for a reason to ask me to leave like this. Next thing was ” I will call the police if you dont go now”. My colleague, clearly supporting him said ” yes, I call them. I got my things and he came to the door holding it for me ( I felt escorted like a criminal and I even felt as he would push me if I didn’t leave quickly. I couldn’t do anything.

    He told me at the very start that he would keep me in a basement and give me food and drink. I also asked him what he thought of me and he replied “you are vulnerable”. When we continued talking after telling me he was staying with his family he told me “you take this because it is better than nothing”. When I went to work in January with him I asked him why he offered me the job and he said “it is better to have you here than in your home country”. I went home for a week and he said “please, come back”. When I told him that I was thinking of resigning he said “I would hate not to have you in this office”. I asked why and he said “I like to work with you and having you around”. Yet, he met me maybe a total of 5 times in the 3 months I was there. At the start, just after meeting the first time he said: “I really don’t want to hurt you or cause distress, both physically or in other ways”. “Please. this is important to me. Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally.” And just before meeting in person he said: “Well you could turn out to be a sociopath trying to kill me while I peacefully sleep dreaming of something innocent”

    Please help me with your insight. I am destroyed.

    At the start, just after meeting the first time he said: “I really don’t want to hurt you or cause distress, both physically or in other ways”. “Please. this is important to me. Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally.”

    Just an example of a convo last year:

    Him: I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Why are you always pushing the way you do?
    Me: I just dont know why there has to be 0 contact
    Me: Not even a text
    Him: And I just don’t know why there constantly has to be contact
    Me: Constant??. You keep saying you dont have the time
    Him: Obviously it’s a big thing if I don’t text one day
    Me: No it is not
    Him: Glad you agree. So please act like it
    Me: But dont tell me it is because you can’t because you can
    Him: Ah. So you are the expert and judge now, I see
    Me: Well no one is that busy to say ” hi how are you?”
    Me: No not expert at all
    Him: If that’s what you want why don’t you find somebody who thinks alike? Because it’s not me

    Me: I find it difficult to understand how you can spend a day with me, have sex with me and everything else and now a whole weekend without even saying “hi”
    I was sick all weekend

    Him: just stop pushing me. I really don’t like to see numerous messages whenever I look at the phone.

    Me: I didn’t push, I only asked

    Him: that is bad, and I feel sorry for you. But there is nothing I can do about it, and we are not living together, so I don’t feel obligated to ask every five minutes how you are

    He also asked ” where is the block button on whatsapp to block you? I can’t find it”.

    Then on messenger he says: “Can you please tell me how to block somebody on messenger? I never blocked anybody, so I don’t know”


  8. Carrie Reimer Post author

    LG, I thought I had replied to your comment but I don’t see it anywhere.
    I really don’t know what to say; you knowingly got involved with a married man who told you he would never leave his family. You moved to another country knowing this over someone you had never met in person. He treated you like crap. Never left his wife. And you left him. But you went back. Expecting things to be different? But they weren’t.
    Your gut told you to walk away, he told you he would never commit to you, never treated you with respect and yet you continued to want him and make yourself available to him.
    I would venture to guess you have very low self esteem and this has happened before in your life.
    I have to ask why you would pursue someone you can’t have? It can’t be love. It sounds like desperation to me.
    Have you gotten counseling?
    If not I strongly recommend doing so. You owe it to yourself to respect yourself.



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