Ending The Relationship With a Narcissist

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The Beginning of the End

Years ago I had a friend who was in a violent relationship and try as I might to understand why she stayed I could not get my head around it. I thought I would never allow any man to treat me like that. Never say never!!

Frog Analogy

Ironically, in true narcissist fashion JC actually gave me this analogy as a way of explaining why HE stayed with ME so long and it was the catalyst to me finally accepting this man was toxic and if I was to ever be happy I had to cut him from my life. Here it is:

If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water he will jump right out
But if you put the frog in a pot of tepid water he would be quite comfortable and stay.
If you slowly increase the heat under the pot of water his body temperature will slowly increase also; he doesn’t realize he is being cooked alive and dies.

A person often fails to see exactly how bad the state of the relationship really is until substantial damage has been done. This happens because at first the relationship is perfect, the N is agreeable, even-tempered, and helpful and the woman can do no wrong, they are able to discuss anything and come to a resolution. Then out of the blue the N will go into a rage about something he thinks the woman is doing or thinking that is totally untrue. The woman is baffled, caught off guard and immediately tries to resolve the problem. It is obviously just a misunderstanding, she tries to discuss the issue, but all of a sudden the N is totally unreasonable. No matter what she tries there is no resolving the matter and she is to blame. The N probably withdraws from her in anger and she is left wondering what happened, any attempts to discuss it result in another fight so she drops it. That night she goes to bed wondering what she did to make him so angry and he comes to bed long after she’s fallen asleep, he pulls her on top of him and they have sex and he holds her tight. She is relieved, he still loves her, all is well, and he must have just had a bad day. The next morning everything seems back to normal although she feels tension in the air and a knot in her stomach but dismisses it. Little does she know the roller coaster ride has started and she didn’t even buy a ticket.

When things start to get crazy and you start doubting your sanity the best advice I can give you is to start a daily journal and keep track of finances. The N will lie, deny and twist events in trying to make you feel you are going crazy and to put up smoke screens covering his trail, a journal will help you keep events straight. After a while with my N there was so much conflict, so many incidents of infidelity, so many lies so many fits of rage I couldn’t keep them all straight and some simply got forgotten in the confusion. If he can keep you off-balance, defensive and confused you are less likely to catch him at whatever he is doing and its easier for him to make you act crazy and believe that maybe you are going insane.

N’s use ending the relationship as part of their control tactics, if you don’t do what they want when they want it done they will threaten to end the relationship; if you actually want to leave him he will go to almost any length to prevent it from happening so you are wise to do it without him knowing. The N has probably made it all but impossible for you to leave, they control the money, have probably made sure you no longer have a support system by alienating your friendships and family relations, quite possibly you don’t have reliable transportation and that isn’t taking into account the damage they have done to your self-confidence.

If you can, hide money and build a support system for when you leave, but I mean HIDE it, don’t tell him in hopes he will back off because he knows you can leave if he pushes you. If he knows you have money and a means to leave he will become that sweet, loving and agreeable guy you remember, until your guard is down and he can manipulate you into giving him the money. You have to remember you are not dealing with a rational reasonable person and no matter how out of character it feels to you to lie or hide something from the man you love, you won’t regret it later.

Whether you know it or not, they are snooping through your belongings looking for evidence you are up to something. He is lying to you so he just assumes you are lying to him plus he wants to know if you are on to him.
JC had a camera hidden so he could watch me while he was in the barn, he had an intercom strung out to the barn so he could listen in on my conversations and he had something in my truck to listen and track where I was. I know it sounds paranoid and that is what he wanted me to believe but I had his sister with me and she is the one that found the intercom and was with me in the truck. She is also the one that confirmed my secret fear; that JC was capable of killing me and making it look like an accident.

It is very common to split from a narcissist several times, the N “punishes” by withdrawing or banishing you from their divine presence. After a period of time, a few weeks or months, they figure you should have learned your lesson and will reappear laying on the charm, telling you what you want to hear and you go back and the cycle begins again. Personally, after we had split half a dozen times I truly didn’t think he would ever really leave me; it had become “just the way the relationship was” and he was confident that he could do anything and I would always welcome him back with open arms. I even tried reasoning with JC, pointing out that every time he had said he wanted to end it he almost immediately wanted me back so let’s save ourselves a lot of time, money and heartache and pretend we broke up and get to the part where you want me back. But there is no “reasoning” with a narcissist; cognitive thinking is not their strong suite.

In an attempt to keep the peace with the narcissist you have slowly given up control of the finances, given up your support system of family and friends and you feel you are stuck to ride this emotional roller coaster from hell for ever more. In my case I actually felt the pain of leaving exceeded the pain of staying and I thought I could “make” it work no matter what and I would never leave. I felt I was stuck for so many reasons, lack of resources, I feared his rage, and the thought of leaving hurt so bad I didn’t think I’d survive. I thought I could ride it out and just not react to his raging, but that doesn’t work, he wants a reaction and will not give up until he gets it.
The N gets more cruel and hateful until you crack; and then like a volcano that has simmered and finally blows he spews venomous bile all over you, in my case I would get punched and he would scream into my face what an ungrateful bitch I was and it was over. I would believe him and start making plans to leave; then he would deny ever saying it. Eventually it was impossible to stay, I truly thought if I didn’t leave he would kill me, to say he treated me with loathing would be an understatement. But by this time I had nothing, absolutely nothing, I was terrified, where would I go, how would I go, I was stuck; I prayed he would kill me and end this torture.

Like me, you are NOT stuck, you don’t have to stay, but you do need to get help because leaving is not easy. Believe me you can do it, if I could find a way out so can you!! You need to find a trusted friend, someone you can confide in, if not a friend or family member, perhaps a support group for abused women, or a forum on one of the many web sites about being involved with a narcissist, but you need someone who will confirm you are not crazy, it is not your fault and you don’t deserve the way the N in your life has treated you.

Be very careful to not let the N know you are planning your escape, when you hear of a woman being killed by a lover it is usually when the relationship is ending so it would be very prudent to plan your exit very carefully. Don’t worry about taking furniture, things can be replaced, take your mementos and think about safety first, not fairness to the N, or revenge, just get out and don’t look back. I found that JC got the most violent and scary when he thought I was actually going to leave, it was at those times I truly thought he could kill me. If you think about it you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, you probably know things about him that he doesn’t want anyone else to know, if you leave he loses all control over your actions, who you associate with etc, he doesn’t want to have to give up anything, pay child support or be inconvenienced in any way, if you were to die or just disappear, he doesn’t have to deal with any of those things. No matter how he feels about you he certainly doesn’t want to think you would be happy without him or God forbid with any one else.

Narcissists can’t stand being alone and will never let you leave unless he has your replacement firmly hooked. But it will happen eventually, don’t kid yourself.
I truly never thought it would end, I didn’t know what would happen, but after 10 yrs, after we had recommitted to each other I really didn’t think he would actually find someone else. No matter what I read about Narcissists, and how closely he fit every description of an N that I found, and our relationship followed the described stages, I really thought he loved me, I thought I was special, I thought we were different. How foolish of me. It wasn’t that I was surprised he had a new woman, he had screwed around our whole relationship, had personal ads our whole relationship I had found love letters he had written to other women, but he always came back to me. He had said that once, “I don’t know why you get so upset, I always come back to you.” And I had thought, yeah because I am the only one stupid enough to always take you back.
Then there was the conversation we had just before I moved out, when he had blamed me for the relationship failing and I had mentioned that he was the one who continually had personal ads and screwed around. He got that exasperated look on his face and said,” And what did you do?” I said,” I stayed.” And he looked at me over his glasses and said,” EXACTLY” and went back to reading his magazine. In that moment a part of me died because I saw him for what he was, empty, heartless and no one I could love.

When the narcissist realizes they can get nothing more from you, either they have drained you of all resources or you are so “on to them” they can no longer manipulate you into doing what they want they will move on. There is no such thing as “amicably” splitting from an N, even if it is his idea, he will punish you for not living up to his fantasy and not having an endless narcissistic supply; he will cast you aside as being worthless treat you with disdain. He will not be fair in the division of property, the breakup will be all your fault and he will expect you to still be there for him until he is firmly enmeshed in a new relationship.

You must remember you are not dealing with a “normal” person; they have no feelings, guilt, or even the ability to love, no matter what they tell you. As JC said to me once when I reminded him of his tearful apology, promises and professions of love when he begged me back, “I told you what you wanted to hear”.
They lead a very fragile fantasy life, that is why they must control every aspect of it, including you, they will not allow you to destroy their illusion, they will not face reality, don’t try to make them. If you think about it they are to be pitied, they are so empty and ill-equipped to deal with the real world they can’t function without someone constantly feeding their ego. It is impossible to break up and remain friends with an N, if you aren’t a source of ns then you are of no use to an N and if you take his ns away you are his enemy and he will do anything to make you pay.

The Healing Begins

Breaking up with a narcissist is different from a “normal” breakup and there lies another problem that makes the relationship with an N so damaging. As if being involved with them isn’t toxic enough but to then have to go through the breakup after you are emotionally, financially, mentally and maybe even physically depleted of all resources combined with the lack of support and empathy from family, friends, and society in general can make it all but impossible to heal. The victim ends up feeling as she has been kicked almost to death and left to die in her own pool of blood while the one who was kicking her goes off to live happily ever after with someone is young, beautiful and full of life (and narcissistic supply). The ONLY people who can understand the devastation are those who have survived a significant relationship with a Narcissist.

In a healthy relationship break up one grieves:
The dream of love not continuing
The loss of familiarity
The pain of saying goodbye
The sadness of having ill will between you and someone you love/loved.
A sense of loss
Living with the memories of past pleasures, shared experiences, visiting places you once went together.
Hope interrupted
Well wishing put aside for self-survival
Feelings of failure

But when grieving an N a person deals with all the above and other ingredients such as:
The nightmare of going from being idealized to being devalued.
Discovering the web of lies at many many levels
Coming to terms with the terrible realization that you were never an object of love but a source of narcissist supply. That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension.
Coming to the understanding that your nostalgic and tender memories of loving times are corrupted by the N’s agenda.
Feeling isolated and alone with your grief because people don’t believe or feel you must be exaggerating about some of the weird things the N did. Some of the N’s actions are so unbelievable it sounds like the plot to a suspense movie, even when the movie is based on a true story it is still a movie and not happening in their world. I think people just simply don’t want to accept that their neighbor, co-worker, family member could be that evil and cruel without provocation.
Discovering with some relief mingled with horror that the person you loved was not the person you thought you loved.
Everything, simply every aspect of the relationship is tarnished in light of the realization that it was typical of all N relationships and nothing was “real”.
When one hears about a healthy ex moving on, dating, marrying, or has gone totally from their life there is sadness and the letting go of what could have been. But as time goes by that sting turns to acceptance and well wishing and the ex becomes one of your fond memories. But with an N ex, they invariably move on immediately, flaunt their new relationship and of course are being their charismatic sweet selves as they “hook” their new victim and blame you for all the problems in the relationship. The survivor is flooded with conflicting thoughts; Will they ever come into my life again? Will they miss my N supply was I not good enough, maybe they really have changed, maybe it was all me, even if they are abusing their new partner there is a feeling of inadequacy.
Not being able to get closure except to accept that the ex is disfigured, deformed and always dangerous. There are no explanations, no shared blame; you are left to deal with it as best you can while they coldly move on without a backwards glance.
You have spent however long with the N as your main focus whether it is walking on eggshells trying to prevent an N rage, being hyper sensitive to their moods, denying your own feelings to avoid conflict, suspicion, the constant barrage of criticism, defending yourself to false allegations and your own struggles to deal with the warped reality of the N and now you are expected to act “normally” when you don’t even remember what normal is anymore.
Feelings of failure, not just of the relationship but you failed to protect yourself (and perhaps the children), failed to be “enough” for the N and now people’s lack of understanding is making you feel that you are a failure at grieving and healing.
The impatience of society in general who can’t understand why you are grieving at all and feel you should be happy to be free of your tormentor.
You are left feeling empty, raped, the victim of a holocaust; was it all for nothing? All that pain, all the effort, all the forgiving and trying is nothing more than a loss. It isn’t lost love; it is a dark abyss that evolves from nothing into nothing.

Life without the narcissist in it will be better, less conflict, no one telling you white is black, no one criticizing you, no one expecting the impossible and blaming you for their unhappiness. Unfortunately again, the minute they see you getting stronger they will try anything, say anything, to get you back, because you now have resources they want. You must stay strong and not give them an inch, it is not possible to stay friends, and narcissists do not change! They don’t change because they don’t think they have any flaws or faults! Just keep remembering, if you stay or go back the pain will never stop, only get worse, once you leave you can start the healing process and healing WILL occur.
It’s been 6 months and I am still sleeping on the couch, still waking up in tears, and still have to force myself to eat, work and carry on. But life is getting better, I don’t cry every day any more, I don’t jump when the phone rings, I don’t call him or message him any more, I have more money again, I laugh more, my bad days are further apart, well in fact I have good days, that in itself is an improvement.

The Stages of Healing (Suffering)

Looking for Answers

What we need most is certainty, stability, and we want answers. Our world has been turned upside down and inside out, we are disoriented from everything we valued, our beliefs, morals, boundaries and self-confidence being smashed against the “granite faced” reality of a psychopathic narcissist. It is a reality so alien to us and so twisted we are sent spinning into the deepest, darkest, unfathomable abyss with no way of getting back.

For me, the only way I can describe how I felt was total devastation. Initially I think I was operating on auto-pilot, packing, moving, saying good-bye, sure there were tears but I was just kinda numb. I was saying this was it, this was the last time, and he was acting like he hated me, even worse than the times before, but I still think deep down I thought somehow it would never really end.

I felt I needed his approval, that my life was empty without him, we talked daily on the phone, I knew he was probably dating, he’d had personal ads and dates when we were together of course now that we weren’t living together he would be going at it full force. But as usual once we were split he started being nice again and the little glimmer of hope started deep inside me. We had been apart 2 ½ months, but he was still “fixing” my truck (that he destroyed to begin with) I wasn’t able to work so was reliant on him and he was resentful. He was stopping by to get money off me when ever I was able to work, still phoning and saying he missed me and loved me.

Although we know the narcissist is not good for us we become obsessed with him. For one thing, he has programmed us to make him our life, without him in it, a large part of our lives is now empty plus he is our link to life and our sanity. We somehow feel he holds the key to our survival and we look to him to give us back what he took, our life. We know on some unconscious level that he has something we need. That something is our soul.

When I found out about the women he was seeing, a married woman and a widow and he was so cold about it and uncaring and saying horrible things to me and it became obvious he had used me as his “sure thing” until he had a new victim firmly under his spell; that is when I totally fell apart. It wasn’t that I was shocked by him and his lack of love and his callousness towards me it was my realization of how delusional I was and how I had lied to myself. All of a sudden I hated him like I have never hated someone in my life and I knew I would never get what I needed from him and it was up to me to heal myself.

From there I had to try to accept that everything I had given up, the compromises I had made, the values I had given up, all the times I had forgiven him and all the tears I had cried had been for NOTHING, just a sham and none of it meant a thing to him. He went straight from saying I love you to me one day to literally moving in with another woman the next and being disgusted with my emotional display.

I have accepted that, and now I know I could never go back, go back to what? There is nothing to go back to, except abuse because I now know without a doubt that I did everything I could to make him happy and I know now that he will say anything and do anything to get what he wants, at that moment.

new self
Now I have to get over the loneliness and try to regain my self esteem. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that it had nothing to do with me, I have lost all my confidence when it comes to being with a man. I never doubted that I was attractive to men and able to keep a man satisfied sexually and otherwise but now I doubted everything, from how intelligent I am to whether I take too long to have an orgasm. But the process has begun and now I know it is just going to take time, he doesn’t control me any more.

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376 Replies to “Ending The Relationship With a Narcissist”

  1. This is helping I am in the been abandoned he is hateful and has moved on stage the part about wanting your soul back explains this unbelievable empty. Used and abused…
    Hoping I heal from his hate
    Heather

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  2. Carrie, all of the above – and other pages in your blog – are the first relatable, cogent, and ‘bang on’ explanations I’ve seen for my own scenario….and I’m a guy who was clearly with a woman ‘N’ for 18 years. All of the feelings, all of the dimensions of loss, and the great abyss of having ZERO communications about why she pulled the trigger on a sudden and cruel divorce…(and she’s an established, degreed COMMUNICATIONS professional!!)…all of it finally makes sense and that, in and of itself, is some much needed relief.

    I’m glad to have stumbled on this blog and to have your perspective…’helps a great deal…and I’ll be looking for the sunrise from now on.

    And perhaps as an aside to what looks like a predominately female audience for your writing, remember that Narcissm is not gender-specific…it’s just as ugly on a woman as it is on a man.

    Thanks!

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    1. Steve, I apologize for the reference to men it is just easier to type than he/she and narcissists are predominantly male but most definitely there are female N and they cause every bit as much pain and destruction as the males. I think in a lot of ways it is harder on the men because society doesn’t believe a man can be abused by a woman which is total bullshit. My brother is going through it as we speak…. The same guy that didn’t understand what I was going through and why I didn’t leave and was such a mess afterward. When he started going through his divorce I told him to Google Narcissistic women and he was blown away. So I know men suffer as much as the women do.
      You might want to drop into the “Support Forum” just click on the link at the top of the screen, we have a couple of other men who drop in there often. I think there are at least 6 men coming in here lately and you are all about at the same spot in their healing journey.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. This was a very good blog, I left a narcissist in February, I did a Houdini move while he was away since he was so difficult to deal with, my self esteem is coming back and Im just spending time healing. I never knew what one was til someone loaned me an Abnormal Phychology book and told me to read “Narcissist” so I knew what I had been dealing with. I couldnt believe it, the only thing missing was the guys picture.

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    1. Kim, good for you to break away from your N, Houdini move is a good way to describe the best way to leave one of these soul sucking bottom feeders. So good to hear of another woman on the road to healing and happiness after leaving an N. God bless you and bring wonderful things your way. Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  4. everything that you have wrote about here is exactly what im going through and dealing with…it made me cry reading what you wrote…everything you speak of is the truth…it took me 22 years to find out what i was dealing with…and as every year passed i was slowly dying inside and didn’t know why this was happening…i had made him my whole life…looking back it was so….horrible…and yet at times…so good….but all of it in whole was hell….i know he will always try and come back…we have 7 children together….but this time i know what and who im dealing with and am going through the withdrawal of this toxic relationship as we speak while he is playing and sleeping with a bunch of other girls like nothing….however his life has gone down hes sleeping in a closet and is bouncing all over….his drinking has increased and his age is catching up to him….his consequences will be catching up to him whether he wants it or not….however one day i wont even need to care about what he is doing or who he is with….that’s the day im looking forward to and i can fully move forward in my life….until then its a daily struggle to find myself and not get lost in those thoughts you talk about in this post….its getting better by the day and i find myself recovering a lot sooner than the previous times he has discarded me….maybe im used to it…maybe its because i know and understand this time what is going on…im not sure….but what i do know is that this nightmare of pain will never end if i don’t get out of it and start living for me and my kids again….they don’t deserve this either…never did…and neither do i…..thank you so much for sharing….and for saying the same exact thoughts and feelings that i have felt but couldn’t describe and bring out…thank you

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    1. Jes, have you been to our support forum? A lot of caring supportive people gather there and no one judges, and every one understands what you are going through. At those times you feel weak, doubt yourself, or just need to rant someone is usually there 24\7.

      I am sorry you are going through this but women have left after 30+ years, it is never too late to find peace and happiness; God knows you earned it.

      I will keep you in my prayers! Please keep in touch, I care and you are not alone.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  5. My comment for September 8th seems to have been erased, computer glich perhaps.. I “knew” my exN for 2yrs and dated him for one. In fact it was more than that, we moved in together, supposedly. For the first 6mths, he would move his stuff little by little. I couldn’t understand why it took him so long. Then in May2013, the “rest” of his things were moved in. “We” had gone thru sooo much, I couldn’t understand why the problems kept stemming from the internal factor of this “relationship”. It was either he wasn’t really there, or coming home late at night, or not able to show up after agreeing to make plans to go out, or borrowing money from me, or not paying the rent on time. Some of the concerns I had approached him on, Others I did not. There was something always nagging in the back of my mind to have a contingency plan. He would tell me that he was not thinking that way. I would tell him its like home insurance, you never know when your house will burn dwn and you hope it never happen, but I have been burned before. Glad for the plan. I had spoken less and observed more, his things were slowly moving out. Whenever I asked him about it, he said he was unpacking and placed more shirts and other things in the apartment. He would come later and later, stating he was at his “cousins” or “aunt and uncle”‘s house. I would ask to meet this family of his, none came of it. Suspicions grew. He would call me saying he is at a party and wished that I was there…I work long hours in a long term health facility…he would always ask when I was working. I started to lie about the times or skip answering altogether. Couldn’t understand why he needed to know where I was at all times, now I do. Aug30 was the breaking point. I decided to search thru his things and found out the whole relationship was one big lie. Looked up phone records, found the other woman. We spoke, she seemed nice. Met with her and showed her all the documents. She chose to keep him, she wants to get married really bad. I chose to kick him out, nothing wrong with being alone until the right on comes along. In the relationship, he kept harping on the fact that “we” needed a car. I eventually caved in and dipped into my savings to help out, he promised to pay back. When it came time, he would gloss over the issue. Left me to burn. So I got proactive, changed the locks on the door, where his remaining things were, the woman and I had confronted him, demanded that he put together a pmt plan in writing to pay me back and set a time to pick up his crap. Afterall, he did send a txt msg saying he will pay me back in full and am perfectly willing to use it as evidence. He knew the terms of getting his things, he had to wait until the police came to oversee the move…guess I screwed with his plans to do me in by kicking his a** out earlier than he anticipated. Initiated NC, and he tried to speak with me on the day of the move. I did not respond to any of his txts and only one of his phone calls just to confirm he was on site to pick up his stuff. When he was confronted, there was not remorse. No apology..I am happy that I found a stronger me…..I did tell him karma’s a b****. The police officer was flirting with me in front of him. He was nearly arrested and the move was nearly put to a holt because there was an outstanding warrant for his arrest for failure to pay approxx. $60K in back child support. Good luck to the woman who chose to keep him. She has her hang ups about being older than him and will do anything to get married including keeping the trash in her home. She looked at me as the competition rather than the person trying to help warn her. Sad for them both, folie a deux indeed.

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    1. Eyes open, I don’t know what happens sometimes to posts and comments they disappear and show up later. sorry about that. You are the winner in this situation. The n uses women against each other knowing full well that women are often times not the least bit loyal to their gender and will do anything to get the man. It is really sad. It is the one game I never played with my ex. he said to me once when I found out about the other women, I don’t know why you act like this, instead of being angry you should be trying harder to please me. rotflmao!!! kinda says it all. I told him I don’t compete for a man’s attention ever and I will walk away first.
      You are better than fighting over the attention of a loser, I feel sorry for her that her self esteem is that low, but karma is a bitch. I agree

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  6. I’m fairly certain I was tangled up with and then trapped by an N. He was sweet, thoughtful, romantic, etc… He swept me off my normally well-grounded feet. I met him when I was going through a great loss and he was , I thought, a God send. He was always texting, calling, emailing, YIM’ing. It was like first love all over again! Then he started picking fights with me. Screaming at me! Telling me it was my fault and that he obviously cared otherwise he wouldn’t get so angry. Accusing me of the behavior he exhibited (ex. “emotional roller coaster”, moody, etc…). One minute we were “friends”, the next I was his “best friend”, then I was his lover. then back to “just friends”. I finally began to realize that he made me sad – made me feel bad about myself, and I loved when the communication dropped off. I’d start to feel “free”. Every time I tried to end the “friendship” he wouldn’t allow it! Honestly, I prayed he’d move on – find another woman. After a few years, he “decided” we should end the romance (ha!) part and just be friends”. I mentioned that’s what I was told we were all along! 🙂 Anyway, it was hard. I cried. I felt betrayed. (Of course he ended it right after we’d slept together). I adjusted and started to feel like me again. Wow! I’m happy. I smile. I like me!! Anyway, I didn’t hear from him for a while when he suddenly contacts me. I didn’t respond for a couple of days so now he’s pissed and accusing me of not wanting contact from him. Hmmm…I’m suspecting he’s pouting because I’m no longer hanging around waiting to be blessed by his attention. Part of me wants to respond to his nasty communication-his accusation that I’m withdrawing. Um, excuse me? You dumped me! But I know this is his plan and I’m grateful for this blog which reminds me of what I’m dealing with. I would appreciate feedback. Does it sound like he’s an N? Thanks!

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    1. Most definitely sounds like an N to me, and as you know, my mantra is “No Contact”, I know how hard it is to not defend yourself but that is exactly what he wants. He wants to make you feel bad, reject you, pull you close so he can slap you again. emotional roller coaster, don’t buy a ticket; its too expensive and you can’t always get off.
      Good riddance he is gone, don’t give him even a crack to squeeze back into your life.
      Good luck
      Carrie

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  7. I left my husband in April of this year. We just married last October — and well, I needed to search away the type of behaviors he has been showing and acting me towards me soon after we married and wa-la! NPD. I didn’t even know this existed. He was this sweetheart, so– caring, nurturing in the beginning and then he flipped! Every one of these comments on this page literally struck a nerve, made me relapse to ALL of the things he put me through. Everything was my fault until he needed sex, he would bend me over and basically get off and then go on about his merry way, leaving me feeling “spiritually and physically” raped. Who is this man? How did I get here? Basically, I “allowed” him to “bless” me with his presence. All the red flags were there but he kept me so—- mesmerized with his “acts” of kindness. It was like I being shoved into being his wife from the moment we met. HE had HIS plans already in place and I didn’t realize I was some kind of target. I am a very strong woman, independent, loving, Christian, passionate, beautiful, down to Earth woman, (not tooting my own horn) lol I felt like this man was tearing me down “little by little” “bit by bit”— just to rebuild me into someone I couldn’t ever be = Perfect. The tattoo on my back (small tribal sun in which I got when I was 17, the only one I have) after sex, he said, “I want you to be pure and be able to get to heaven so that tattoo must go”—– (0-0) talk about making me feel uncomfortable after making such passionate love a few moments earlier. THEN one time I was cleaning my face and I had ONE little pimple that I was messing with in the mirror and he walks by me with this odd attitude in his voice and says, “You need to get a facial”— then walks off. I have a clear complexion! He just started pointing out every little “flaw” and made it a point that it NEEDED to be corrected. Now I am in pretty good shape. I keep up with myself all the way around but I WASN’T good enough for his standards. The MAN is going bald, his belly is bulging and then some! I still love/loved him regardless!!! I would encourage him to exercise with me and he would dismiss me like I master does a servant. Anyway, long story short since we got married, I discovered he has a “Teen Porn” addiction! Something told me to snoop through his phone, something I tried not to do but something in my gut said to have a glance or two. I saw that on his phone, his internet search history was nothing but “Teen Having Sex with Mom”, “Teen S****** C***”, this, that and the next. Now I know some men, even woman watch porn but this was my husband searching TEENS. He’s 34—- has one daughter whom he has been raising alone since she was a baby, her mom is a rolling stone. Another red flag I dismissed in the beginning is that he would VERBALLY abuse his 10 year old daughter and make her cry when she would get out of line. I would tell him to not cuss at her and he told me he was “working on it” but he kept on and kept on. *sighs* Sad to say, we got married, his request to hurry up and let’s do it right away. I kept stalling, kept giving him the ring he bought from Jared’s back time and time again, because something wasn’t right about it all. My “gut” was just not comfortable with all of it. October 20th, 2012— my father walked me down the church isle and handed me over to this “angel”. Months after, the “it’s not working out, I want a divorce” threats started happening, he would withhold sex from me, wouldn’t talk to me for days and days on end, mind you, we’re living in the same house. His cussing at his own daughter seeped into him cussing out my 12 year old son (his stepson)– because my son wouldn’t “listen” to a request my husband had asked him to do. I felt like crap. I don’t cuss nor do I like to be around that stuff. I could have jumped on my husband’s case and yelled, kicked and screamed but I didn’t, I “talked” to him adult-like, went to him with no attitude in my tone, with love and concern. He looked scared when I was talking to him, like a “are you going to leave me” face—- he apologized to my son, we all talked and smoothed it out as a “unit”. Well, now my step daughter, she would do things that I questioned, like always pouting when she didn’t get her way every weekend. My husband asked me to “take over” and just keep the kids out of his way because “his weekends” consisted of HIS activities such as tinkering in his garage and fixing things. This was EVERY weekend. I felt like a servant. Not his wife. He would assign me “chores” to do— if I wanted to relax or even hinted that I was wanting to relax for the weekend– he would look at me evil-like. He always boasted about how good of an electrician he is and how he could run “HIS boss’s” company better THAN HIS OWN BOSS. Which I get and understand— but he always belittled this man then would turn around and call his boss a “good and loyal friend”. He has NO friends that are doing anything constructive with their lives. He would talk about every one of my friends and my own family. He treated his mother kind of odd— not so nice. That was another red flag I was blind to in the beginning. Basically, I am online today looking for help— we have been going back and forth with one another. One day he wants us home, then the next he throws us away. This is unhealthy for my children and I but I feel so– low and “hooked” to him. My children, 13 year old son (now) and my toddler are doing well. My son asked me to not give my husband anymore chances. The divorce is in place, my choice, he paid for it— filed “Pro Se”– and it’s a 5-6 month waiting period for a court date. TALK ABOUT FOREVER! I want to be done with him. Between his constant asking me back then getting sex and discarding me again, (all while living separated) I find myself empty and tired of this pattern. He’s back on the dating website him and I met on (POF.com) Username: Skillious, San Antonio, Tx— and well, if you read his profile, he’s apparently divorced and is seeking a LONG TERM relationship. Him and I tried counseling, his no shows the first 3 times, then he finally agreed to 1– nothing was accomplished.we never went back. And well, honestly, I’m scared to go back to him after all the “demeaning, belittling, controlling, abusive” behavior. I changed my number last Saturday after his last attempt to “make it work” only for him to shoot me down again after I told him I was happier alone and I couldn’t trust him with my children’s hearts or mine again. I closed my FB, amongst all other social media— to avoid him lazily reaching out to me. I am tired of falling into his traps of “come home” only to be used up and “kicked out” ———– I don’t understand this NPD stuff but I need help with the no contact stuff. I feel addicted to him. Why?

    After you all having read all of that mess up there. You all would think I would be heading for the hills. But…………….
    Yesterday I called him private only seeking “sex” because legally he’s still my husband and under God it’s not sinful— I don’t want to reconcile— but I have needs. I laid down the rules and he agreed. I told him that I am not comfortable going “outside” of our vows with some random person. Sad to admit but I am only hurting myself. How do I completely disconnect……………………..

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    1. Sarah, I have been where you are and you will never get over him if you keep contacting him. He will have sex with you but you are playing a game of Russian Roulette; these people are capable of murder. That may seem dramatic but I can not stress enough that you don’t want to try to beat a narcissist at his own game or mess with him in any way. They do not have a conscience and they are in the game of life to win at all cost. If you don’t want to be with him then DO NOT SEE HIM OR HAVE SEX WITH HIM. period. And to go back to him is asking for more of the same hell. Saying that you have “needs” is a cop out, you can survive without sex for 6 months. There are many posts about reconciling with an N and about how dangerous they are. There is a search feature at the top of the screen I urge you to use it to find older posts on Apologies.

      I must warn you again that you are putting your life and your children’s safety at risk by continuing to sleep with him if you have no intention of going back.
      Good Luck and please come back and let us know how you are doing.

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      1. It hurts to know that he is already online “looking” for a new long term relationship. This is truly messed up…I don’t know why I miss someone who was always pissed off at the “little” things. I am struggling to even believe this NPD stuff— I am truly trying to find ALL the answers but it’s overwhelming. Am I REALLY this messed up?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TRIED talking to him kindly, patiently, with softness in my voice— and HIS TONE would just get louder and the RAGE was fierce….. HE WAS NOT LIKE THIS WHEN WE MET! I felt like I was some kind of “transaction”———– to him…………….

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        1. Sarah, as painful and hard to accept it is; narcissist never love anyone, people are only in their life for what they can get off them. To a narcissist you are only valuable as long as you have something they want and they don’t want love or commitment. He is looking for a “long term relationship” because he knows if he says “looking for a woman to use and abuse” he isn’t going to get a quality woman. Please take the time to read some of my posts and the comments and you will realize you are not the one who is messed up, he has just dragged you into his sick world and it is going to take time to rid yourself of the poisonous verbal abuse he has beat you down with. You will never find the “answers”, we all wanted closure, to understand what went wrong, where did WE go wrong, the only answer is “that is just the way narcissist’s are” you have to accept it and stay no contact in order to start healing. It doesn’t matter is you talked kindly or not, it really has nothing to do with you per-say or the next woman or the one before you; it is all about him and his sickness. He does not care about anyone but him self, IF he appeared to love you in the beginning and if he was sweet and loving in the beginning it was all an act.
          You don’t realize it yet because you are still confused and hurting but someday you will realize your life is so much better without him. You WILL be happy again I promise!!
          Come into the support Forum, there are some really wonderful people that congregate there and we are all at different stages of healing, every one is very supportive and no one judges anyone.
          Hugs
          Carrie

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        2. Hi Sarah,

          You are just starting to realise what’s going on in your mind. You’re starting to understand it, rationally. That is the first step but emotionally it’s so freaking hard…it feels like you just cannot do it..no contact.

          But the emotions will follow your brain. Keep on reading and educating yourself and soon, from one day to the other you will not see that person in the same way anymore…and you know you can do it alone. You have then processed the idea of who he really is.

          Good luck.
          Jaap

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    2. sorry, i have needs too, but you don’t go back to your abuser. you obviously want to get back saying you have needs. get a vibrator, dildo, etc. you are not serious about this and you are playing a loser’s game. if you want to continue to be his doormat and slave, go for it.

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  8. Thank you for this article. Was married to my N for 9 years…. I also did the houdini move after living estranged from him in another bedroom for a month. He was so cold and calculated…. I felt trapped and knew i was going to be left with the mortgage and nothing else etc, and I moved out whie he was out of town. He acted devastated and said many times I destroyed him, and in the same breath would talk about finances instead of our marriage. Moving out didn’t stop the cruelness and mean contact…I think he seriously thought that being mean to me would make me break down and come back crying. Eventually I was so disgusted with being treated that way I told him we are not getting back together, ever. Within 3 weeks he had gotten online, met another woman, and moved her into our house….

    The worst part was that I fell back into it about three months ago, even putting our divorce date off for him, while he was still with her… he treated me like garbage, left me hanging and heartbroken all over again, and it was the worst experience I have ever felt. I learned a lesson… you CANNOT go back to someone like this… I think his motive was simple mean hearted revenge now that I look back. He’s not a rager but more of a passive aggressive and will do whatever it takes to make him look squeaky clean and still hurt me, including an accidental text of “I love you” just last week, followed by an “oops sorry” because he sent it to the wrong person….

    Its been nearly impossible for me to not want to see what he has going on, but I’ve had to refrain because hes still in the winning her over stage. It’s hard to watch him do things with and for her that he wouldnt have done for me anymore the last half of our marriage (btw, I was wife #3, with the first two having the same experiences)… but I find solace in the fact that he will not change, and it is not me, and it is not any of us… we are victims and pawns to make them feel better… we are an extension of them and not seen as having separate feelings… to them, we do not count. I’m so happy I broke free and can be my own person!!!!!! Healing every day!!!

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    1. April, you are wise to know that no contact is the only way to heal. I, like you went back but i ended up staying two years and it almost was the death of me. It was the final year that most of the physical abuse happened, prior to that he had also been very passive aggressive, sabotaging my vehicle was the biggest thing he did and destroy anything I cherished, from dumping anti-freeze on all my photos (by accident of course), taking my son’s baby teeth, hair from his first hair cut and a little gold booty my mom bought me when my son was born. I found the container that had held them on his coffee table after I had moved out. When I asked him about it he said he found the container in the stuff his son left behind but I knew I had the container after his son left. I had nothing of value by the time I left.

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  9. It’s been eight years of hell. I am 44 and had been a very successful business women. My N met me after leaving an 17 year marriage to an alcoholic. I was ripe and ready for him. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Made great love to me. Used my money, my car, my home and my friends. He chased away my friends, used all my money. AND THEN, he came into money when his step father died. He fixed up my house, bought us new cars and convinced me to give up my job and stay home with my kids, because it had never been an option for me. Four years later, being choked, punched, chairs thrown at me, the most vile and debilitating put downs one could ever bare hurled against me almost daily, ruining almost every holiday and especially my birthday, stalking me, calling me constantly while he was out, never sleeping with me, using marijuana in front of my kids, watching vile porn, making me perform oral sex on him while he video taped it (my kids saw it on his phone!)…..he left me last weekend for my friend of 20 years…..Carrie. Wouldn’t you know? And of course, it is all my fault. I wasn’t there for him emotionally and he she listens. This website has brought so much understanding to what I have been living through. I am clinging to it right now. I am clinging to God as I know He brought me here.

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  10. Maybe some tips that can help ending the relationship. I was having issues feeling guilty…didn’t want to be mean and rude etc.
    Next to No Contact and turn around 180 degrees rule there is something to remember.

    1. My own serenity is the only priority….nothing else
    2. Give yourself permission to be rude.

    If you have to be rude to reach your goal…be rude!

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  11. This is the best article I have ever read and it has EVERY single detail which my life over the past 4 years has had!!!!

    Just a whole seperate breed of person and us “good” folk will never understand nor comprehend this behaviour..

    i could relate most to the “i stayed..”….”EXACTLY”

    Thankyou so much for writing these words of wisdom they are on my phone permanently when i need reassuring

    Thanks

    Scott..:)

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    1. Scott, I am sorry you can relate so well to this article, it means you have been to hell and back.
      I am always encouraged when I hear of another person who has managed to brake free of one of them. I hate to refer to them as people because they certainly don’t act like one.
      Good luck and much happiness and peace to you in the future.
      Once they are out of your life the sun comes back brighter.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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