Ending The Relationship With a Narcissist

relationship-abuse-abusive-men

The Beginning of the End

Years ago I had a friend who was in a violent relationship and try as I might to understand why she stayed I could not get my head around it. I thought I would never allow any man to treat me like that. Never say never!!

Frog Analogy

Ironically, in true narcissist fashion JC actually gave me this analogy as a way of explaining why HE stayed with ME so long and it was the catalyst to me finally accepting this man was toxic and if I was to ever be happy I had to cut him from my life. Here it is:

If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water he will jump right out
But if you put the frog in a pot of tepid water he would be quite comfortable and stay.
If you slowly increase the heat under the pot of water his body temperature will slowly increase also; he doesn’t realize he is being cooked alive and dies.

A person often fails to see exactly how bad the state of the relationship really is until substantial damage has been done. This happens because at first the relationship is perfect, the N is agreeable, even-tempered, and helpful and the woman can do no wrong, they are able to discuss anything and come to a resolution. Then out of the blue the N will go into a rage about something he thinks the woman is doing or thinking that is totally untrue. The woman is baffled, caught off guard and immediately tries to resolve the problem. It is obviously just a misunderstanding, she tries to discuss the issue, but all of a sudden the N is totally unreasonable. No matter what she tries there is no resolving the matter and she is to blame. The N probably withdraws from her in anger and she is left wondering what happened, any attempts to discuss it result in another fight so she drops it. That night she goes to bed wondering what she did to make him so angry and he comes to bed long after she’s fallen asleep, he pulls her on top of him and they have sex and he holds her tight. She is relieved, he still loves her, all is well, and he must have just had a bad day. The next morning everything seems back to normal although she feels tension in the air and a knot in her stomach but dismisses it. Little does she know the roller coaster ride has started and she didn’t even buy a ticket.

When things start to get crazy and you start doubting your sanity the best advice I can give you is to start a daily journal and keep track of finances. The N will lie, deny and twist events in trying to make you feel you are going crazy and to put up smoke screens covering his trail, a journal will help you keep events straight. After a while with my N there was so much conflict, so many incidents of infidelity, so many lies so many fits of rage I couldn’t keep them all straight and some simply got forgotten in the confusion. If he can keep you off-balance, defensive and confused you are less likely to catch him at whatever he is doing and its easier for him to make you act crazy and believe that maybe you are going insane.

N’s use ending the relationship as part of their control tactics, if you don’t do what they want when they want it done they will threaten to end the relationship; if you actually want to leave him he will go to almost any length to prevent it from happening so you are wise to do it without him knowing. The N has probably made it all but impossible for you to leave, they control the money, have probably made sure you no longer have a support system by alienating your friendships and family relations, quite possibly you don’t have reliable transportation and that isn’t taking into account the damage they have done to your self-confidence.

If you can, hide money and build a support system for when you leave, but I mean HIDE it, don’t tell him in hopes he will back off because he knows you can leave if he pushes you. If he knows you have money and a means to leave he will become that sweet, loving and agreeable guy you remember, until your guard is down and he can manipulate you into giving him the money. You have to remember you are not dealing with a rational reasonable person and no matter how out of character it feels to you to lie or hide something from the man you love, you won’t regret it later.

Whether you know it or not, they are snooping through your belongings looking for evidence you are up to something. He is lying to you so he just assumes you are lying to him plus he wants to know if you are on to him.
JC had a camera hidden so he could watch me while he was in the barn, he had an intercom strung out to the barn so he could listen in on my conversations and he had something in my truck to listen and track where I was. I know it sounds paranoid and that is what he wanted me to believe but I had his sister with me and she is the one that found the intercom and was with me in the truck. She is also the one that confirmed my secret fear; that JC was capable of killing me and making it look like an accident.

It is very common to split from a narcissist several times, the N “punishes” by withdrawing or banishing you from their divine presence. After a period of time, a few weeks or months, they figure you should have learned your lesson and will reappear laying on the charm, telling you what you want to hear and you go back and the cycle begins again. Personally, after we had split half a dozen times I truly didn’t think he would ever really leave me; it had become “just the way the relationship was” and he was confident that he could do anything and I would always welcome him back with open arms. I even tried reasoning with JC, pointing out that every time he had said he wanted to end it he almost immediately wanted me back so let’s save ourselves a lot of time, money and heartache and pretend we broke up and get to the part where you want me back. But there is no “reasoning” with a narcissist; cognitive thinking is not their strong suite.

In an attempt to keep the peace with the narcissist you have slowly given up control of the finances, given up your support system of family and friends and you feel you are stuck to ride this emotional roller coaster from hell for ever more. In my case I actually felt the pain of leaving exceeded the pain of staying and I thought I could “make” it work no matter what and I would never leave. I felt I was stuck for so many reasons, lack of resources, I feared his rage, and the thought of leaving hurt so bad I didn’t think I’d survive. I thought I could ride it out and just not react to his raging, but that doesn’t work, he wants a reaction and will not give up until he gets it.
The N gets more cruel and hateful until you crack; and then like a volcano that has simmered and finally blows he spews venomous bile all over you, in my case I would get punched and he would scream into my face what an ungrateful bitch I was and it was over. I would believe him and start making plans to leave; then he would deny ever saying it. Eventually it was impossible to stay, I truly thought if I didn’t leave he would kill me, to say he treated me with loathing would be an understatement. But by this time I had nothing, absolutely nothing, I was terrified, where would I go, how would I go, I was stuck; I prayed he would kill me and end this torture.

Like me, you are NOT stuck, you don’t have to stay, but you do need to get help because leaving is not easy. Believe me you can do it, if I could find a way out so can you!! You need to find a trusted friend, someone you can confide in, if not a friend or family member, perhaps a support group for abused women, or a forum on one of the many web sites about being involved with a narcissist, but you need someone who will confirm you are not crazy, it is not your fault and you don’t deserve the way the N in your life has treated you.

Be very careful to not let the N know you are planning your escape, when you hear of a woman being killed by a lover it is usually when the relationship is ending so it would be very prudent to plan your exit very carefully. Don’t worry about taking furniture, things can be replaced, take your mementos and think about safety first, not fairness to the N, or revenge, just get out and don’t look back. I found that JC got the most violent and scary when he thought I was actually going to leave, it was at those times I truly thought he could kill me. If you think about it you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, you probably know things about him that he doesn’t want anyone else to know, if you leave he loses all control over your actions, who you associate with etc, he doesn’t want to have to give up anything, pay child support or be inconvenienced in any way, if you were to die or just disappear, he doesn’t have to deal with any of those things. No matter how he feels about you he certainly doesn’t want to think you would be happy without him or God forbid with any one else.

Narcissists can’t stand being alone and will never let you leave unless he has your replacement firmly hooked. But it will happen eventually, don’t kid yourself.
I truly never thought it would end, I didn’t know what would happen, but after 10 yrs, after we had recommitted to each other I really didn’t think he would actually find someone else. No matter what I read about Narcissists, and how closely he fit every description of an N that I found, and our relationship followed the described stages, I really thought he loved me, I thought I was special, I thought we were different. How foolish of me. It wasn’t that I was surprised he had a new woman, he had screwed around our whole relationship, had personal ads our whole relationship I had found love letters he had written to other women, but he always came back to me. He had said that once, “I don’t know why you get so upset, I always come back to you.” And I had thought, yeah because I am the only one stupid enough to always take you back.
Then there was the conversation we had just before I moved out, when he had blamed me for the relationship failing and I had mentioned that he was the one who continually had personal ads and screwed around. He got that exasperated look on his face and said,” And what did you do?” I said,” I stayed.” And he looked at me over his glasses and said,” EXACTLY” and went back to reading his magazine. In that moment a part of me died because I saw him for what he was, empty, heartless and no one I could love.

When the narcissist realizes they can get nothing more from you, either they have drained you of all resources or you are so “on to them” they can no longer manipulate you into doing what they want they will move on. There is no such thing as “amicably” splitting from an N, even if it is his idea, he will punish you for not living up to his fantasy and not having an endless narcissistic supply; he will cast you aside as being worthless treat you with disdain. He will not be fair in the division of property, the breakup will be all your fault and he will expect you to still be there for him until he is firmly enmeshed in a new relationship.

You must remember you are not dealing with a “normal” person; they have no feelings, guilt, or even the ability to love, no matter what they tell you. As JC said to me once when I reminded him of his tearful apology, promises and professions of love when he begged me back, “I told you what you wanted to hear”.
They lead a very fragile fantasy life, that is why they must control every aspect of it, including you, they will not allow you to destroy their illusion, they will not face reality, don’t try to make them. If you think about it they are to be pitied, they are so empty and ill-equipped to deal with the real world they can’t function without someone constantly feeding their ego. It is impossible to break up and remain friends with an N, if you aren’t a source of ns then you are of no use to an N and if you take his ns away you are his enemy and he will do anything to make you pay.

The Healing Begins

Breaking up with a narcissist is different from a “normal” breakup and there lies another problem that makes the relationship with an N so damaging. As if being involved with them isn’t toxic enough but to then have to go through the breakup after you are emotionally, financially, mentally and maybe even physically depleted of all resources combined with the lack of support and empathy from family, friends, and society in general can make it all but impossible to heal. The victim ends up feeling as she has been kicked almost to death and left to die in her own pool of blood while the one who was kicking her goes off to live happily ever after with someone is young, beautiful and full of life (and narcissistic supply). The ONLY people who can understand the devastation are those who have survived a significant relationship with a Narcissist.

In a healthy relationship break up one grieves:
The dream of love not continuing
The loss of familiarity
The pain of saying goodbye
The sadness of having ill will between you and someone you love/loved.
A sense of loss
Living with the memories of past pleasures, shared experiences, visiting places you once went together.
Hope interrupted
Well wishing put aside for self-survival
Feelings of failure

But when grieving an N a person deals with all the above and other ingredients such as:
The nightmare of going from being idealized to being devalued.
Discovering the web of lies at many many levels
Coming to terms with the terrible realization that you were never an object of love but a source of narcissist supply. That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension.
Coming to the understanding that your nostalgic and tender memories of loving times are corrupted by the N’s agenda.
Feeling isolated and alone with your grief because people don’t believe or feel you must be exaggerating about some of the weird things the N did. Some of the N’s actions are so unbelievable it sounds like the plot to a suspense movie, even when the movie is based on a true story it is still a movie and not happening in their world. I think people just simply don’t want to accept that their neighbor, co-worker, family member could be that evil and cruel without provocation.
Discovering with some relief mingled with horror that the person you loved was not the person you thought you loved.
Everything, simply every aspect of the relationship is tarnished in light of the realization that it was typical of all N relationships and nothing was “real”.
When one hears about a healthy ex moving on, dating, marrying, or has gone totally from their life there is sadness and the letting go of what could have been. But as time goes by that sting turns to acceptance and well wishing and the ex becomes one of your fond memories. But with an N ex, they invariably move on immediately, flaunt their new relationship and of course are being their charismatic sweet selves as they “hook” their new victim and blame you for all the problems in the relationship. The survivor is flooded with conflicting thoughts; Will they ever come into my life again? Will they miss my N supply was I not good enough, maybe they really have changed, maybe it was all me, even if they are abusing their new partner there is a feeling of inadequacy.
Not being able to get closure except to accept that the ex is disfigured, deformed and always dangerous. There are no explanations, no shared blame; you are left to deal with it as best you can while they coldly move on without a backwards glance.
You have spent however long with the N as your main focus whether it is walking on eggshells trying to prevent an N rage, being hyper sensitive to their moods, denying your own feelings to avoid conflict, suspicion, the constant barrage of criticism, defending yourself to false allegations and your own struggles to deal with the warped reality of the N and now you are expected to act “normally” when you don’t even remember what normal is anymore.
Feelings of failure, not just of the relationship but you failed to protect yourself (and perhaps the children), failed to be “enough” for the N and now people’s lack of understanding is making you feel that you are a failure at grieving and healing.
The impatience of society in general who can’t understand why you are grieving at all and feel you should be happy to be free of your tormentor.
You are left feeling empty, raped, the victim of a holocaust; was it all for nothing? All that pain, all the effort, all the forgiving and trying is nothing more than a loss. It isn’t lost love; it is a dark abyss that evolves from nothing into nothing.

Life without the narcissist in it will be better, less conflict, no one telling you white is black, no one criticizing you, no one expecting the impossible and blaming you for their unhappiness. Unfortunately again, the minute they see you getting stronger they will try anything, say anything, to get you back, because you now have resources they want. You must stay strong and not give them an inch, it is not possible to stay friends, and narcissists do not change! They don’t change because they don’t think they have any flaws or faults! Just keep remembering, if you stay or go back the pain will never stop, only get worse, once you leave you can start the healing process and healing WILL occur.
It’s been 6 months and I am still sleeping on the couch, still waking up in tears, and still have to force myself to eat, work and carry on. But life is getting better, I don’t cry every day any more, I don’t jump when the phone rings, I don’t call him or message him any more, I have more money again, I laugh more, my bad days are further apart, well in fact I have good days, that in itself is an improvement.

The Stages of Healing (Suffering)

Looking for Answers

What we need most is certainty, stability, and we want answers. Our world has been turned upside down and inside out, we are disoriented from everything we valued, our beliefs, morals, boundaries and self-confidence being smashed against the “granite faced” reality of a psychopathic narcissist. It is a reality so alien to us and so twisted we are sent spinning into the deepest, darkest, unfathomable abyss with no way of getting back.

For me, the only way I can describe how I felt was total devastation. Initially I think I was operating on auto-pilot, packing, moving, saying good-bye, sure there were tears but I was just kinda numb. I was saying this was it, this was the last time, and he was acting like he hated me, even worse than the times before, but I still think deep down I thought somehow it would never really end.

I felt I needed his approval, that my life was empty without him, we talked daily on the phone, I knew he was probably dating, he’d had personal ads and dates when we were together of course now that we weren’t living together he would be going at it full force. But as usual once we were split he started being nice again and the little glimmer of hope started deep inside me. We had been apart 2 ½ months, but he was still “fixing” my truck (that he destroyed to begin with) I wasn’t able to work so was reliant on him and he was resentful. He was stopping by to get money off me when ever I was able to work, still phoning and saying he missed me and loved me.

Although we know the narcissist is not good for us we become obsessed with him. For one thing, he has programmed us to make him our life, without him in it, a large part of our lives is now empty plus he is our link to life and our sanity. We somehow feel he holds the key to our survival and we look to him to give us back what he took, our life. We know on some unconscious level that he has something we need. That something is our soul.

When I found out about the women he was seeing, a married woman and a widow and he was so cold about it and uncaring and saying horrible things to me and it became obvious he had used me as his “sure thing” until he had a new victim firmly under his spell; that is when I totally fell apart. It wasn’t that I was shocked by him and his lack of love and his callousness towards me it was my realization of how delusional I was and how I had lied to myself. All of a sudden I hated him like I have never hated someone in my life and I knew I would never get what I needed from him and it was up to me to heal myself.

From there I had to try to accept that everything I had given up, the compromises I had made, the values I had given up, all the times I had forgiven him and all the tears I had cried had been for NOTHING, just a sham and none of it meant a thing to him. He went straight from saying I love you to me one day to literally moving in with another woman the next and being disgusted with my emotional display.

I have accepted that, and now I know I could never go back, go back to what? There is nothing to go back to, except abuse because I now know without a doubt that I did everything I could to make him happy and I know now that he will say anything and do anything to get what he wants, at that moment.

new self
Now I have to get over the loneliness and try to regain my self esteem. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that it had nothing to do with me, I have lost all my confidence when it comes to being with a man. I never doubted that I was attractive to men and able to keep a man satisfied sexually and otherwise but now I doubted everything, from how intelligent I am to whether I take too long to have an orgasm. But the process has begun and now I know it is just going to take time, he doesn’t control me any more.

Advertisements

376 Replies to “Ending The Relationship With a Narcissist”

  1. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now. These two years with him were not and are not easy. He has made me feel small in several occasions, he has never told me that i am beautiful not even once. New hairstyle, new clothes not even once he has NEVER complimented me. But with him if he busy a new suit i must say something about it, he will ask me not once how it is. I was pregnant and had a miscarriage on the 25th of July this year. After realizing that i was pregnant he became very loving and thanking me for the blessing because he is 33 without a child and i am 26. He told me that i am a woman among women and that the rest failed to give him a child, yet before he was acting as if he does not want a child. My pregnancy was complicated. Dr’s said it was a threatened miscarriage at 4 weeks and i had to avoid stressing and carry heavy stuff. He was understanding until on the 25th of July his cousin made silly comments about me and i did not entertain her and he went all made asking why i was not saying anything to his cousin. I asked him what do you want me to say when your cousin calls me ugly. We had a huge verbal fight, i ended up being very emotional and started crying and after that i started bleeding and went to hospital. This cousin has been the reason for some of our fights she will make silly comments and when i complained to him he will go all mad saying that i am trying to come between them. But after we lost the baby he told me he noticed how in many occasions the cousin has been abusive and he apologized for not doing anything about it, of which i felt that he was only reacting now because he lost a baby that he has been wanting for all his life he was not reacting because i was being abused by his cousins and his sister.

    He stays with his sister, cousin and brother and it is his apartment after being pregnant he told me to look for a place and i had to pay for it since i was staying with my aunt. I did not understand why i would look for a place since he has a place. I then realized that even though he was always preaching that he takes care of his relatives, they actually contribute for rent and food. I have an honours degree and he has a metric certificate/ high school certificate only and he has never been a person who does not know. He has always known and always tried to prove a point that even if he did not go to varsity he is smarter than me and i do not remember making him feel small or bringing up my education. He would make an example to people and use me, saying that i went to varsity but still i do not have a job that i studied for and see nothing wrong with such. He made me take a credit card for him on my name, and a contract phone and now we fought because he did not pay the contract and when i asked he went all mad saying that i disrespected him the manner in which i asked, even today we no longer talking because of that.

    He has never said sorry to me beside the time that we lost the baby that was the first time. Everything has always been about him and how successful he is going to be. I have done things for him, cooking cleaning, doing his laundry every weekend and ironing. I have done the running around trying to get him a contract but not even once has he done anything for me. He always have an excuses as to why he did not do things i asked him to, as to why he cant spend time with me yet he will have time to go drinking. He has accused me of not understanding his job every time i asked him why we not spending time together. But he does not expect excuses from me, if he asks me to do things and i do not do he will be angry.

    He always tells me that he left other women for me, beautiful ladies with cars just to be with me and i do not appreciate that. If his brother who is a year younger than him is around and we have to go somewhere together. He would tell the brother to sit in front at the passenger seat he would say it as a joke how he does not want me to occupy the front seat.He once wanted to beat me in front of my aunt and he blamed me for such a behavior. Saying that he might not remember what i did but i might have done something wrong for him to behave like that. He always does not have money but i will see him buying things, am always made to spend money in a smart way. I would feel like no he is my man and he does not have money even when i see deep inside that he is taking me for a ride but i would still do it. When i need help he would tell me that he works hard for his money and how everyone should just work for their money. He has access to my banking app, he knows when i get paid how much.

    When we travelling together he will be racing with people, and boasting that his car got power than other people that he does not even know. He is untouchable in his head, he is always about how people will not disrespect him, how he acted at the bank when a consultant took time to help him. How he banged the table in a restaurant because the meat was not well done. How he always get managers to apologize to him because the service he received was bad.

    Every fight that we had it has always been my fault but the time i was in hospital he told me that i never did him wrong all these fights i was never wrong he was just taking my frustrations on me but now we back at fighting again and it is my fault. He has never appreciated the things that i do for him but he complains of how bad of a person i am every now and then.I can send him and email of appreciation he will not respond, he would say he was busy and did not have time. Should i send an email complaining will have time to read it and to call me and tell me where to get off. Tell me that he does not want problems in his life so we should just break up, tell me that if i am not happy i should just leave. he would tell me that the way i see things is very different to the way he see things. I am scared and i have always been scared to raise issues because it does not end with a resolution and i am scared that he will say we breaking up. A lot has happened this is just a glimpse of what has happened in the 2 years of dating.

    I was just looking at the internet after our last fight and i came across the word narcissist, looking at the definition he fits perfectly. I even went as far as taking different quiz and i got the same results. I have been wanting to leave since when we started dating but i have not even once found the strength. Now i know that i will not change him, i see a reason why i should just run for my life but i do not know how. Somehow i feel like i am in denial. I need help.

    Like

    1. Ye Gods Nkom, you need to get out of there before he grinds you down more and you end up with massive debts incurred by him.

      Read Carries comments on how to leave a relationship. TELL HIM NOTHING. He is the enemy!

      You need to start making a secret checklist. Does he check your browsing history and so he can see you have been on this site?

      Can you speak privately with your aunt and stay with her until you get back on your feet when you are ready to leave? I think that is the first thing to check out and will give you immediate peace of mind. And, you will have made a start. Psychologically that first step should empower you. Follow Carries plan. Do not confide in anyone who is a family member of his or a friend of his.

      Then go to your bank and speak with them. Get his name off ALL of your accounts. I expect you are already liable for the debts he has rung up. If he gets an inkling of what you are doing he will just pile up more debt on you. Change every password you have. Immediately you have done those things you will need to get out of there as he will turn very nasty. Do not hang about to explain yourself. Just leave a note. You owe the bastard nothing.

      He will doubtless chase after you wondering what he has done wrong and trying to talk you into going back – not least because you will have gone on YOUR terms and narcs can’t stand that. He will want to get you back if only to punish you more.

      Keep it very simple. Tell him that there is no point in staying and trying to work things out because you simply do not love him anymore. In fact you do not even like or respect him. Therefore, it is best for both of you that you draw a line in the sand and go your separate ways. Do not allow him to involve you in long drawn out analysis, just stick to your guns, you do not love, like or respect him. Goodbye!

      Like

    2. I feel for you I’ve been there the story above is true you habe lost confidence in you at two years in I was in shock and denial sad and unloved it’s not worth it follow the truth In the story above as hope to leave you won’t have much help or resources like in the article above I’m two months in and have had very little understanding or support it’s too hard to understand ourselves really but here’s what I think you are a good person tolerant patient helpful kind forgiving self denying and strong and enduring you have faced grief and loss of your baby alone and have survived I hope you have a child again in better situation with a healthy love and equal partnership so the child can be nurtured by the true loyal loving kind patient parent you would be without the psychic disturbance and trauma and manipulation and confusion of having someone like him as the other parent so though all life is precious in this time it was spared suffering you are so strong and giving and bright and intelligent you are unwanted by him because you have seen through him and tell the truth he knows he can’t manipulate you and your love for him is tainted now by disillusionment and he can’t live his illusion with you in unity adoring him so you are painfully set aside as above it’s not you your not crazy your sane. How can you go on you can by loving yourself not like the narcissist but be kind loyal giving all those things for yourself at the mo your life is full of bad things and messy instead of wondering how to deal with this big mess put one good thing at a time into your life everyday for yourself until your life is full of good things again with no room for the bad this will move you forward don’t go back try and put some energy into doing good for someone if you have no one try volunteering as this will make you know you do have something to give and are worthwhile it will give you confidence again and people get better by helping don’t get sucked into users and other manipulators in doing this use boundaries maybe go on a domestic abuse journeys course meet other survivors we are made of strong stuff and narcs choose altruistic people so instead of thinking your not worth it he your own advocate helper you wont fail yourself women often put the self last in society we are programmed that way but stand up to be a voice for women don’t be taken advantage off true love is unconditional you may have kissed a few frogs to find a prince the unknown is scary but imagine yourself as a traveller on a journey if you were planning a diff country you would get culture ready packed properly equipped and you would have purpose hopes and planning then trust in the journey and steps to get there so take steps rest try and regain clear thinking and keeping your mind calm deep breaths they really don’t squash life breath out of you practice breathing deeper it helps stress you can get five min relaxation app on your phone other people have got through this it’s bleak and black but there is some light to go on some stars like the woman above giving you a bit of knowledge and insight that’s light fist it light then its dark then it will be light again like daylight and you will wake up and smell the coffee lots of love going your way and hope for a new day a fellow traveller to a happier future following the same signpost sign above x

      Like

    3. NKom,
      I’m sorry for all of your suffering. However, it seems you are moving in a direction of self-love and care. Good for you!

      It does not seem like you are in denial now. Knowledge is strength.And you are learning about Narcissism. And you are understanding that you have been abused. These are major steps.

      Please note that you should seek your health care provider approval before taking on the opinions of me or others. I am not diagnosing or prescribing treatments. I am only sharing my opinion.

      It has been my experience that Narcs don’t change…

      You may or may not have gotten to the point of seeing that he is NOT going to change and you are the only one that is changing- and not in a self-loving way. Focus your time and attention on what’s in your best interest. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

      Incrementally, you are becoming aware of the reality. Awareness is an important part of creating a better life for yourself.

      Stay strong on this journey back to the real you.

      Perhaps you might want to get into a discussion group at a local Domestic Violence center or get into therapy . Just know there is a lot of help you can get. And you are not alone.

      May G-d love and protect you!

      Like

  2. Well nearly two weeks on from my last post of ending my relationship with Narcissist. Pleased to say im still alive and kicking. I had probably 4 nights and days of sheer hell ;the why the whats ;the lies unfolding in my head the night terrors the feeling im worthless, but a very good friend has helped me through to see sense they have steered me into believing im confident and a beautiful person inside and out dont get me wrong I still have my doubts as to why would he leave then but then I come back to the fact hes an idiot to lose someone so beautiful inside and so caring. I would say to all you ladies think on the bad points the criticisms that he gave you the horrible dirty habit you hated the appalling lies ! And then think when he did the dirty on you!, and you will honestly come to see you are worth SO so much more than him; you deserve more . Surround yourself with people that affirm you and make you feel special because believe me you are.. they are going to one day be so sad and lonely using and abusing people.. all im left with is sympathy and anger but hopefully that will die down . I hope this helps someone like this website has helped me in the darkest of nights thank you .

    Like

    1. Well done. He will keep trying I imagine. Just keep strong. You have made the decision, you are done with him. You do not have to be trapped into giving long explanations, you simply do not love him or want him in your life anymore. Stick to it.
      Good luck.

      Like

      1. Thank you Barbara for your words of encouragement x . Yes he has been back trying a few times now but I must realize this is not about me ! (As hard as that is to digest ) Its all about him ! and his needs his gratification , his fix ! When you are a caring person you cant comprehend that can you . Closure came to me when I heard this beautiful song by Christina Aguilera called” You lost me ” , It says it all and its really helped me x

        Like

    2. Jasmine,
      You are a strong and precious, woman.

      It is difficult to get out from under a relationship with a Narcissist. You may have already gotten to the point of understanding that he did you a favor by leaving you. And, you might actually have compassion for the next unfortunate woman that he “sucks dry” with this cruel words and behavior. It has been my experience that Narcissist continue to go on in the world repeating a pattern of use and abuse of others, for their lifetime. They are parasites. You on the other hand, have the opportunity to create a new abuse-free life. How can this be accomplished?

      Before offering my opinion, please understand that I am not diagnosing or prescribing your problem. I’m only offering my non-clinical opinion. You should seek your health care providers approval before proceeding with any course of action.

      As you move forward, focus on healing yourself. Trying to help your Narc will only prolong your pain and frustration and keep you from having a loving and fulfilling life.

      Attack the “life challenge” on a Spiritual, Emotional, Physical and Psychological level. You can go through each level systematically or simultaneously.

      Example:
      I have seen women successfully, rely on their faith via prayer, church participation and spiritual warfare. And also, taking kick boxing classes at the Y. They have been eating well, drinking more water and have updated their vitamins and supplements profile. Psychologically, they have studied Narcissism and looked at their own life history. And discovered how certain childhood issue’s made them “target-material” for Narc’s and other dysfunctional personalities.They continue to process the emotions that they have stuffed throughout their lifetimes. They combine level strategies, as well. Doing things like saying positive affirmations and saying kind and gentle things to themselves while walking in a park.The mind is a powerful tool that most of us never utilize. I know a woman effectively that used a Vision board to help heal her life.

      If you like fill in each category, with relevant strategies, with your health care providers assistance and approval. And together you can further your journey to your beautiful-self!

      Some food for thought.
      1. If anything was possible, what would you bring into your life?
      2. What gift or gifts do you bring to the world?
      3. What makes you laugh or brings you pleasure?
      4. What would you like to learn more about?
      5. What are you most proud of in life?
      6.How can you love yourself more?
      7.What can you do to bring more of the following things into your life?

      May G-d bless and protect you, Jasmine.

      .

      Like

  3. Well since my last post I decided to go on a date with someone from years ago who for one reason and another we never got started and I always wondered. I decided I needed some fun after the trauma of my last relationship and explained I needed light hearted fun. and we went on a few dates. Well it seems I must have a radar for Narcissists or I spotted the traits early , once bitten twice shy ! Straight away I sensed lack of empathy and all about me , me , me! (being him of course ) . He .appeared nice of course but little things came out when I mentioned I was distraught about something just a ahhh. and changed the subject no empathy ! I ended it by telling hm I deserved better ! Another bullet dodged!!
    I ask myself are we living in a Narcissist epidemic? Its somewhat dismayed me are there any genuine normal guys out there !

    Like

  4. Bad day today I woke in the night thinking of him all the good times and all day ive been struggling with thoughts of him they come in waves , sometimes you just cant think of the bad. They leave this horrid gap in your life which they filled every second he had total control over my life when I look at it now . But I miss those good times I seem to block out the bad. A song leaves me reduced to tears I keep looking for his car im stupid I know but it hurts he gave me so much love and attention till the end when it went bad and I know I have to be strong if he comes back when hes had his fling with the girl he dumped me for . . Today I feel worthless.. I wonder is she better looking, better in bed , more fun. less hung up like I got towards the end; his fault entirely he got me like it with the lies. . Its just a bad day im sure I hope the pain will go I think my heart was ripped out. I want him to hurt for me I so want that but I know he wont hes moved on to his next supply it was well established. How can people be so cruel.

    Like

    1. You will probably go through many times like this and struggle to find the strength to go on. Remember that the only way from being at rock bottom is UP. Each time will get slightly less painful until you are ready to start putting it behind you.

      Please do not be jealous that his new love is better, more exciting etc than you. She is heading for exactly the same outcome in the end.

      The memories you have of when things were so fantastic and it seemed you had your one soul mate are not real. They were just the narcs way of sucking you in. They are great actors. The more passionate and believeable he was, the easier it was for him to hurt you. It is not personal or anything you did wrong, it is simply the way they operate. You are just one of the many lives he will take pleasure in trying to destroy during his life. Don’t let him have the pleasure. You are worth more than that.

      Do not try to speed your life forward and rush in to new relationships. Accept that you have to go through a grieving process and repair your soul before you are ready to move on. This will be a very lonely time for you but you must never let him back into your life.
      Keep strong.

      Like

    2. Hi, Jasmine. I can feel your pain in every word you’ve wtitten.. It’s almost like I wrote it. It’s so hard for anyone to understand what I’m going through.. The pain is almost unbearable. Would you like to talk through email? We have a lot in common right now. If you dont want to, I understand. I wish you the best and hope your heart heals soon. Xoxo Erin

      Like

    1. Sandee, leaving is a huge leap of faith, no one is ever truly ready, it is scary. But we are here for you. If you stay, your life stays the way it is, you will never find happiness while you are with him, if you leave, you WILL heal, eventually we all heal if we focus on us and not him and once you heal you will find happiness. Most victims eventually find an appreciation for life and a peace they never knew possible.
      Hugs

      Like

      1. My apt will be ready next week and until then I have to continue to stay here with him. Im scared to upset him and that he will just kick me out today just to be mean and nasty to me. Today he wanted to “talk”. He wanted to defend himself and make sure he twisted everything around to make me feel guilty that hes been messaging with his coworker and inviting her out. I let him know that I couldnt forgive his behavior anymore and that even though Ive forgiven alot of his bad behaviour in the past and although i have no self respect left, that i couldnt do it anymore. I told him i was tired and that i no longer had energy to fight for him or this marriage or anything else. Im done. He tried to justify himself and argue, but after he realised that i wasnt buying it, he started to cry. He cried silently but making sure I was watching him. Im scared for the future…

        Like

        1. Hi sandee oh yes I no what you mean by he wanted to talk…..it’s like a predictible process…let’s talk means….I’m gunna bully and brainwash you into seeing I’m right and your wrong. Mentally exhausting. My N once did the talk for 3 hours non stop…..my head was pounding after it. It’s insane and still after 3 hours it wasn’t resolved coz I wouldn’t bend to his bullying. Grrrrrr

          Like

  5. these sickos are not worthy of your pity, your love, your precious time, or anything else. Like many of you on this site I mistakenly thought I had found my Prince Charming boy was I wrong. 3weeks after meeting with him so adoring and loving he changed almost overnight. It was like he had a personality transplant and yes this is probably true because that is how it feels a completely different person. I have had the silent treatments, the discards and have still gone back with him promising to be better behaved and not be such an arsehole.I can only take so much but no more he is mentally ill I know that now. I cannot make him better he can’t even make himself better not that he would want to he thinks he is perfect as he is. So bye, bye Roy and have a nice life you sick bastard.

    Like

  6. Almost 4 year a get strong and positive then a crash down again to his words.a need to be free it’s the worst ever mental torture don’t no wot av done in life to deserve this

    Like

  7. Block him and get a third party to communicate when needed. They will try to hurt you every chance they get for the rest of your life. Thas what angry bitter unhappy people do.

    Like

  8. This article made me feel like it was my story being narrated there.. i have been with a narcassist for almost one and a half year and its so bad now . i cant take it anymore, i am tired. i am mentally , physically and emotionally drained now and its taken a toll on my health too. its hard to believe such people exist. even i went on thinking that my love would change him..forgave way too many times however after all the damage he did constantly, i never saw him being sorry for his behaviour towards me. i have started feeling ugly , being a girl, i am losing my hair to a point that i going bald. i used to look fine , many people complimented me for being beautiful but i fell so ugly inside out for constantly being called an ugly bitch, old hag, loser, self loathing and so on and so forth. he even threatened me of making a porn out of me . he has abused my innocent family and sisters and friends. there is nothing bad that he has not done still i am so stupid .i am trying hard to come out but i keep falling back in his trap. if i dont talk for a day or 2, i spend the whole day crying and missing him and feel its better to get back. or when i plan to leave, he suddenly acts all nice or say he is unwell which surprisingly happens every time. i am so lost, i dont know what to do. because of him i lost all my friends and respect from my family. no one understands what i see in him..even i dont .he has been so bad, so bad to me. i never imagined a human like that. he loves dogs so much and treats me worse than an animal. i just wish he leaves me or i may kill myself.. i fell like i am not able to help myself. i feel i should meet him one last time and then the story never ends. what did i do to deserve him 😥

    Like

  9. Hi everyone, i havnt been on for a while, due to me being a idiot and missing my ex N and i took him back to try again. It lasted all of 2 weeks and now ive been discarded once again. Thank goodness i didnt let him move back in, he has his own place. I am so angry at myself, how could i be so stupid after years of it, to think he would be any different. Its like they are a drug to us. Anyway during this getting back with him period, i could see the red flags clear yet again, but chose to ignore them. He treated me so loving and kind for the first 10 days, got what he wanted(sex) then boom!!!!! Caused an arguement, blamed me for everything, twisted, turned it all upside down, inside out, yelled, bellowed in my face, put me down,insulted me,swore at me and then discarded me. Then 2 days later sent me an email saying……Reluctantly i am putting our marriage on hold, so changes can be made so we can have a fair chance to be together…..i want from you etc etc etc, so i can stand by your side as your husband. Love you. When i read this……i was mind blown and still am. So hes the liar,cheat,porn addict, drug taker, but i need to change and do these things he requires!!!!!! I feel absolutely mind fucked and violated:(

    Like

  10. I’ve read so many of these stories over the last few months. I kept going back and forth on if my ex, who I was with for 20 months and broke up with 3 days ago, is truly a Narc. He didn’t cheat (as far as I know), flirt with other women, disappear or call me names (very often, there were a few fights where we broke up and he’d resort to it). His general approach has been to play on my heartstrings and make me feel guilty that he “loves” me so much and I don’t love him enough back. This time when I broke it off, I tried to establish no contact. At first his messages were pleading to just talk so we could fix things, then he showed up at my house and tried to use his key after I didn’t answer the door. I thank him for always sharing his paranoia about ex-girlfriends and roommates having a key to his house, because that prompted me to believe he couldn’t be trusted with a key to mine, so I immediately changed the locks. I finally cracked the door and he pushed his way in (stupid me!!). He started to berate me, tell me how awful I was to blindside him like this. The more calm and silent I stayed, the more heated he got. Until I finally had to threaten calling the police. He tore off in his car, then starts calling. When I don’t answer he leaves me a vmail saying that I’m a fat-ass and disgusting and good luck finding another man that wants to f*ck my blubber. It hurt like hell, but in that moment I realized that I’d done the right thing and I had to stick to my guns. Anytime I feel weak, I replay it.

    The whole time we were together he claimed to love my very robust body. In fact, the incredible sex was one of the things that kept me hooked. Knowing that he wanted to use the thing he knew would hurt me the most (I’d confided that my ex had body shamed me frequently), opened my eyes to the fact that he doesn’t give a shit about me. Ten minutes later he left a tearful message of regret and begged me to just talk to him. That probably would have worked in the past, but I’m feeling stronger, and I won’t be provoked to feel obligated or to engage in tit-for-tat.

    Before this relationship I was single for over a decade. My last ex-Narc left me never wanting to be in a relationship again. During that time, I found myself and led a very happy, low-stress life. I focused on my kids, family, friends and career. At times I thought about how nice it would be to have someone to take romantic trips and do couples things with, but generally I felt fulfilled and like I could be content to not even date for the rest of my life.

    Then I connected with HIM on social media. An old BF from the way, way back that came to mind when I went to a place we frequented. It was like a fairytale. He love-bombed me from his very first text message. We talked on the phone for a few hours. There was so much to catch up on. It felt so comfortable. I agreed to go to his house. He greeted me with a look of adoration in his eyes and major bear-hug. He held my hand on the way into the house. For the next 2 months, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. We kissed passionately everywhere we went. To the point of making other people uncomfortable. I felt like a teenager, hanging on his every touch and his every word. I saw red flags pretty quickly, but I was too drunk on his outpouring of love and affection to care.

    I was under the impression that he owned his house (it’s pretty crappy, but on prime real estate), then it was a rental, and finally the truth is he’s on section housing assistance. He’s renting out a room because he’s so charitable to help this poor person that would otherwise be homeless, but the truth is he rarely works and needs their money. I thought he had a decent job, but they rarely worked him. He had money – bought me flowers, took me out to eat, made it out like no one paid his way (my job pays nicely) – but that was only because I came around just after a big casino win. He spent the last of that on an engagement ring for me and has been broke ever since. He’s gone through 8 jobs and long periods of unemployment. Always looking for that lucky break where they’ll respect and appreciate him for the intelligent, ass-kicker that he thinks he is (and so isn’t). He started out telling me he had 2 kids. Then it was 3. In the end it was 7. 4 of whom were given up for adoption and all of whom choose to have little or no contact with him. He doesn’t associate with his family. Claims they’ve all done him wrong and weren’t there for him. He has a couple of “friends”, but he only calls them when he needs something and they never call him. Says all of his exes were evil bitches who he had to support, cheated on him and lied to the cops to get him arrested. All the while he’s just trying to work hard, do his best, and raise the 1 kid he was kind enough to let live with him.

    I ignored ALL of this. He told me so many times that he was a good man, great father, hard worker, sensitive soul etc., that I actually bought into it. He told those things and glorified stories to everyone that would listen. Over and over again. In one breath he would say that he had it so hard because he was a single father. In the next he’d tell you that he’s never been single, and not had a girl living with him, for more than a week since he was 15 years old. Once he decided to reconnect with some of his family members, the holes in his stories became more visible to me. I started to ask more questions and call him out more.

    The love-bomb period had already started to fade, but it was fully over when I asked him for a prenup. After that he stopped kissing me beyond a tight-lipped peck and withheld affection (yet, complained constantly that I wasn’t hanging all over him). He still wanted to perform in bed and took great pride in satisfying me, but his approach went from lots of foreplay and longing looks, to aggressively shoving fingers in me in middle of the night. He stopped contributing money for anything. Got more jealous and accusatory. Was even more rude to my family and friends. Started telling me how I didn’t appreciate and trust him. That I’d changed and it was ruining our relationship. He just wanted me to go back to the way I was in the beginning when I looked at him like he was the greatest man on earth.

    Even with my blinders partially off, I gave it my all. I catered to him. Listened to him. Tried to give him the fabulous holidays & birthdays he’d never had. Took him on trips. It was never enough and he was always unhappy about something. Living in the constant negative was taking it’s toll on me. I felt drained and unhappy. Other times I felt like a ticking time bomb. Like I might have to poke my eyes out to keep myself from screaming “You’re so full of shit!”. I tried so many times to help him step into my shoes or the shoes of everyone he constantly judged (usually for the things he, himself had done or does). There were a few times I thought the light bulb went off, but then he’d revert right back to why he was justified in his actions/feelings/behavior and they’re not.

    He wanted me to give up my job to start a business with him and to sell my house to buy a different one for us (with his name on it, of course). Once we were married, he’d be entitled to my 401K, retirement, life insurance etc. I’m so glad that I didn’t do any of those things. The dent he made in my bank account is small in comparison to how bad it could have been.

    I fully expect him to show up here in a week or 2 with a new GF in the car. I had some clothes at his house, and although I could care less if I ever get them back, he will take the opportunity to drop them off and throw his new conquest in my face. That’s exactly what he did when we got together. I thought they’d been split up for 2 months and the ex had been bugging him about stuff she left behind, but it turned out she had only moved out 1 week before that.

    After all of this ranting and reminding myself of the reality of what went on, it has only made me feel more numb. It simply hurts too much to actually allow myself to feel it right now. I broke up with him to save myself. I have to stick to no contact. Cutting him off like that makes me feel icy and cold. Eventually, I’ll have to grieve and deal with my true feelings. Until then, I want to spend some time reconnecting with the family and friends that I’ve been neglecting, remembering what it feels like to laugh and have a real conversation about an interesting topic.

    Like

    1. Are you managing to stick to no contact? It is weird how often we all give in to narcs and I wonder sometimes if they pick victims that have plenty of empathy because they know they can ‘work them’ and get them to keep giving second chances.
      Also amazes me how, the minute you mention getting the police, they disappear. They are really frightened of the police.

      Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.