Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie
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7,759 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. Hi all I think the N ive fought to get over so hard and im on the up is trying to return is this what they call hoovering ?. I havent read much about hoovering to be honest i never got beyond the getting over the N and understanding them so I need to read more .. I havent nothing concrete just flowers to work unamed , and a love note through my door unnamed; I am seeing a guy as a “friend” but he buys me things publicly he wouldnt do that.. I cant believe he would even try we ended on a bad note I was livid at his lying and cheating and told hm never to contact me again there were no point but do they try is the question. He hasnt a hope in hell I can tell you all that; I was torn and broken like nothing on earth and hopefully now I have the tools to guard myself hugs Jasxx

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  2. Letter to the N.. I suppose you think you’re destroyed me and I guess you think you can just walk back in like nothing happened.. I never did get a proper apology but then hey you have no conscience.. do you know what hell I have been through to the depths .ive had to retrain my brain and my heart from it thinking that this man who masqueraded as the perfect love was infact, deceitful a liar a cheat and in a word pure evil.. there’s nights and days when I felt i wouldn’t make it through.. had it not been for the support on this forum and reading that people on here have been through much worse and come through it .. it helped me beyond words and I hope along my journey I was able to offer words of encouragement and support to others as they have me.. I expect your playing your love game tricking me; they are the same i expect the love bombing next. , well you know what it dosent interest me.. yes i want you to miss me and cry and be sad and say that this girl who gave you everything she had her life; her time; her love ,was the one after all.. but you know what it will be lies!.. utter lies.. you cheated and lied and i will never forget that look those eyes of the devil that seem to gloat at me being broken how you had changed.. the mask slipped Mr wonderful dissapeared before my very eyes.. how cruel to leave me hanging to take and take and lie and lie.. so I dont want you back because your not that great after all you’ve done it once you will do it again but worse I read on here.. ive done my research you see.. Oh yes I still have nightmares wake up sobbing .. but the bad days get less and less ,… I wont pretend you haven’t left scars .. and they will be there for some time i guess and its hard to think i was well used wasent I like an appliance and cast away when I had , had my use.. I expect the girl you seemingly ran off into the sunset with skipping the one you had in line while stringing and torturing me with the hell you put me through when you had , had enough of me
    dissapearing for days cheating is getting a little used now.. well dont come back for me as I dont want your lies. I was told by a dear friend I should not dwell on you but at times im so angry and sad I have to vent.. so here am Venting in the only place that is safe to.. you wont get this letter N as I wont speak to you again in my lifetime. your loss as ive come to really know that theres one wonderful lady here you lost her or infact did I escape and dodge the biggest bullet of my life.. . Jas

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  3. Hello everyone,
    I think I am having a relationship with a N. I just realised it recently and it made me scared, anxious and crazy. I can’t sleep, eat or think about anything else. I also feel foolish because I did let him confuse me so much. Good thing is it is just a beginning of it, we don’t even live together. But I already think that he knows too much about me have power over me and that he will crash me if I will leave him.

    We were friends for a year (it was very frustrating and dramatic story to long to type in). Officially we started dating about 3 month ago. During our friendship and beginning of a relationship he was the perfect man. He was very(even over) romantic doing all the crazy things. I thought he was my Prince Charming my perfect man, my hero. But then I started noticing that he has a habit to get mad about tiny little thing and then disappear for weeks. It was making me very frustrated, crazy and sad. I was trying to reach him, apologise, trying to get an explanation, but he was just ignoring me like I not worth his attention till he will cool down and I am emotionally drained then he will come back tell me why I was wrong, then forgive me and be nice to me again. It happened three times. Last time happened three weeks ago. I was so upset I cried my eyes out. I was calling him constantly and texting but couldn’t get any reply. Then I stopped. I started thinking that it is quite strange for a man to be so sensitive. I never had it before in a relationship since I was a teenager. So I started googling this behaviour and I was shocked!! Every article about narcissist looks like someone is writing about my boyfriend. All his behaviour even when he is not giving me a silent treatment is telling me now that he is a narcissist.

    I don’t know how to finish it now. He came back from his silence yesterday, messaged me and I didn’t reply. He called me six times yesterday and two times today. I am ignoring him, but I know he is going to find a way to find me. He knows where I live and he used to work with me at the same place I work now. He told everyone at my job that we are together couple of month before and he is in a great relationship with my boss, she think of him like her son. I am so scared of him, but I also scared that he will revenge if I broke up with him. I can’t leave my job earlier than in three month and it is going to be a trouble to change an address. For some reason I am sure he will compromise me at work and use his influence at my boss if I leave him, I am also scared that he will stalk me and physically injure me. He is a big guy and I am working late and coming back home very late sometimes and he knows which way I take. It is not like he was physically abusive to me before but I am kind of having a gut feeling. Plus there is the other part of a story that he changed his life a lot to be with me(or that is what he said to me). So if I back up now I think he will be soooo mad.

    If someone here have an advise how can I push him away from me without him thinking that it was my decision? How can I do it gently so he will be less hurt? Is it possible to break up with him with less damage to my life or I have to run away now?

    Thank you very much!

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    • Just a note.
      I think he will stalk me because he followed me once to my home country without me knowing when we wasn’t in a relationship yet to surprise me.(I thought it was very romantic, now it is creepy)

      If I tell anyone at my job about my fears noone will believe me, because they know him longer than me and think he is a brilliant charming kind man, and he was also kind of a right hand to my boss.

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  4. I haven’t been on much. 3 years after the divorce to an N and trying to move on and forget the soul sucking grief of that past life. I went to a wedding on his side of family last week. My grown daughters were there. I brought a date. This was the first time any family had ever seen me with a date. Just as we sat down to eat at the table with my kids, I see the ex flying across the room toward our table. He ignores the kids and I and walks straight over to my date and says “Hi. I am Sam”. (Name changed to protect the guilty) My date introduces himself and immediately the ex turns and vanishes without another word. Stunned at the ex’s strange and awkward attempt to get a closer look, I turn to my date and say a bit too loudly, “asshole”. I look across table in time to see both my daughters faces fall in disappointment. Then I get the cold shoulder from girls for remainder of meal. Of course they rush over to hang with their dad on the dance floor as soon as the meal is over. While I’m not sorry for calling him an ass I’m sorry that I said it within their earshot. I text them as soon as I get home and apologize for calling their dad an ass. One daughter replies with, “He was just being polite.” and otherwise I have gotten the typical cold shoulder since from both girls. I don’t think it was polite at all for him to barge up without acknowledging me, to give my date his first name only, and to then turn and vanish. But it has occurred to me that for 30 years this was my dinner table pattern. He would do or say something to me at the table insulting or shocking and then when I would react, he would enlist the daughters help in belittling me for over reacting. I have felt sick ever since the wedding for falling for the bait once again and for how blindly the girls play their part. The only high point to this story is that once the girls had left the table and I told my date I had screwed up by calling my daughters’ dad an ass in front of the girls, my date responded immediately that it was indeed rude and that he had no idea who Sam was with the awkward intro. Then without missing a beat he devised a plan on his own to fix the N. As soon as the ex wandered back around, my date turned to him and said “I am so sorry that I did not realize who you were when you introduced yourself earlier. She never speaks of you.” haha… You should have seen the ex stammer and stutter before vanishing again. I realized the next day that my date had instinctively thrown down his jacket across a mud puddle to keep me from getting splashed. It felt like the first time anyone had ever stuck up for me in my whole life. That makes me a bit sad too. But better late than never. I just wish the daughters were not so blind to their Dads antics and so happily willing to do his dirty work now that he can’t really hurt me anymore.

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    • Tracy, you say your grown daughters were there so I am assuming by grown you mean they are adults and capable of attending the wedding without you along.
      I have to question why you would choose to attend knowing your ex will do something to upset you.
      I agree that your date handled the situation like a true gentleman and with class hut I really feel it is time you left your ex”s family in the past if you truly wish to heal and leave the hurt behind you, sAve the relationship with your daughters and stop feeding your ex narcissistic supply.
      You are still doing the dance with him. He is still pushes your buttons, you are still reacting and he is still making you look bad and doubt yourself.
      His little display was not warranting the time, energy and emotion you have invested in it. Let alone the conflict between you and your daughters and putting your date in the uncomfortable position of dealing with your ex.
      There is no need whatsoever for your ex to meet anyone you date.
      I know you will give me an argument about this; but, it is time you stopped attending his family events. You may really love his family and if you simply can not cut them from your life completely then at least see them when your ex won’t be there. It is his family after all. Very few couples continue to attend functions of their ex in laws. It is simply too uncomfortable for all parties concerned, let alone a narcissist ex.
      I don’t blame your daughters for being upset and I think you need to apologize and tell them that from now on you won’t be attending events where their father will be.
      He is their father after all and when you talk poorly of him they feel compelled to defend him. I am a strong believer that it doesn’t matter what the other parent did, it is wrong of a paren’t to criticize the other parent to the children. It invariably wor against the parent and push the children away.
      After 3 years especially, your daughters don’t want to hear it.
      Talk to friends, a therapist, anyone but them.
      The only way to true healing is to go no contact with the narcissist and that means his family also.
      I also feel you should rethink dating until you are over your ex.
      You mentioned that your date standing up for you had never happened before in your life. I can’t help but think you did not have loving supportive parents and have a lot of self defeating voices playing in your head. You do not know your value because no one ever valued you.
      When I was trying to heal I did a lot of work on learning to lI’ve myself and appreciate who I am. Not who I have been told I am or who I should be; but who I am at the core.
      I made a vow to live honestly and true to my core self. It has made the need for approval melt away. No one can make me feel less than again and if and when I screw up (we all do) I can easily forgive myself and carry on.
      It doesn’t have to be the end of the world and every conflict does not need to be taken personally by you.
      Hugs

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      • No argument from me Carrie. I did take the bait I did speak poorly of Dad in front of the children. Hindsight is 20/20. I did not post this to gloat over my success. I posted this hoping to share that no matter how well you think you are doing or how far you think you have come, you can never win in a room with a narc. No one was more disappointed than I was in how I stepped into that little mess so easily. I did apologize to the girls the first minute I could. It was lovely to be with a healthy person who saw the situation for what is was. I waited 3 years to begin dating and am keeping things casual. I do feel I am over my ex and happier than ever. I have never contacted my ex and aside from a happy birthday text a year ago, he has never contacted me. I ignored his happy birthday text and really gave it little thought. I am sure you are correct about staying in contact with his family. We were very close for many decades and they have made it clear from day one and still today that they do not want me to divorce them. You can be sure I won’t attend another wedding on that side especially if he is attending. I tried. I thought I could do it gracefully. I failed. It seems fine again with the daughters and we all move on wiser. Thank you for your reply and your time. I always appreciate your words and the insight I gain here.
        Tracy

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  5. I am having a bad night. I was dating another guy for a month, and he broke it off abruptly last night-presumably for another more convenient girl-I am a wreck tonight. All I want It is to call my narc and have him come over. I just want someone to make what I’m feeling OK. At first I was upset because I felt this new guy was different and we connected easily. Now I am upset because I just wish my ex was still here and I wish he was the one I was meant to be with. I feel so taken advantage of, and I don’t know how much more I can take. I just wish I had my ex with me right now to comfort me, even if he doesn’t mean it. I feel like I have taken a hundred steps back tonight. I unblocked him and almost contacted him, but am trying to stop myself. I just miss him so badly.

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    • Leigh, what you are feeling is normal and the reason I always advise dating again too soon after the N. When is too soon? Any time prior to being completely healed. If you are looking for a man to complete you, fix you or make you forget the N. The victim of an N is a prime target of another N.
      The victim is so needy for someone to find them attractive and want them, the N easily sweeps the victim off their feet with declarations of love and adoration.
      It is disappointing to date another N when you are still reeling from the last one but, BUT this time you are smarter.
      You know if you call your ex you will not get what you want and need right now. If he was nice to you it would only be for long enough to use you for sex or whatever and he would treat you worse than ever.
      We all wish something was different in our life. We have all wished the N wasn’t an N and was the guy we met and fell in love with. But this is not the land of Oz, there is no wizard who will give him a heart. At some point we all have to accept that no matter how hard we wish things were different, the N will always be toxic for us and we will never be happy with him.
      Accept that, it is NOT something wrong with you. HE is the one no capable of loving anyone. You need to realize that you spent so much energy on trying to be the kind of woman he wanted and would be happy with; you totally ignored the fact that he was incapable of loving you the way you need to be loved.
      You are taking it all personal and you need someone who will make you feel better. Only you can do that.
      I suggest you take some time to get to know who you are at the core, before people told you who you are. Once you start living true to your core beliefs, values and feelings, honestly just you; you will find that no one can ever make you feel “less than again” and you won’t need some man to make it all OK because you WILL be OK.
      Hang in there. A wonderful life awaits you if you are willing to do the work of healing yourself.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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