Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie
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8,618 Replies to “Support Forum”

  1. Hello. I’m hoping someone can help me with healing resolutions. I cut the narcissist off in November 2017 and changed my number which was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. This was after going through the whole cycle of idealize, devalue, discard and manyyyyy attempts to Hoover throughout the entire cycle when I tried to walk away but couldn’t, sadly (mainly showing up to my house, calling restricted, social media which is now blocked etc). At the time, I didn’t know what any of these terms meant. I was able to go the longest of no contact last August which lasted about a month and then got sucked back in again. E literally called me or came to my house for that whole month. After getting sucked back in (I think because he stopped calling as much my weak mind still wanted him to want me) I think he was angry at me for going so long not talking to him/ignoring him. Usually I would only hold off a week or two, not a month. After I stupidly came back and believe the lies, he then started slowly devaluing me, triangulating me, and essentially discarded me for a month (as I had did in August) after I had tried to discard him the month before! He tried to hurt me. I had tried to get out of the situation to save my life and he just wanted to win. I had never seen this side of him to ME but I had seen him treat his old supply that way. After the month, he then tried to contact me as a “friend” like nothing had happened lol he did not come back to my house at that time like he usually does multiple times. He instead called me for two weeks. I finally talked to him unfortunately. We talked every day for about a week and his old signs started coming back. I told him I couldn’t do this because I clearly started paying closer attention to the red flags of who he really was and there was another woman (old supply) he was entertaining after he had swore he didn’t want her. He pretty much told me he didn’t want me anymore/feel the same about me but wanted to be with her. He literally had told me for a year and a half he wanted me but after all this, now he wanted her again and it took this situation with us for him to see he still wanted to be with her. He blamed me for certain things. He had a non chalant attitude and did not care about my feelings. I felt so used betrayed manipulated lied to and played. It hurt so bad. I found out she put a pic up of them two on fb, he bought her a ring, etc. Mind you, he has devalued this woman and degraded her gave many silent treatments and emotionally and verbally abused her so much!!!!! and she took him back and they are back together. I just feel like he chose another woman over me, the woman he said was once a burden to him. He went back to her and she took him back. I feel unwanted and unchosen and not good enough. It’s embarrasing to me because he had told everyone he wanted me and now he’s flaunting around with her. And people are still idealizing him. So after this last conversation, I told him to stay away from me and I changed my number. He told me not to change it because people would wonder why lol. I still loved him so much at the time and still do but refused to be disrespected triangulated embarrassed etc. He hoovered only once after that when he came to my house but i didn’t open. He also found a way to message me “hearts” on an app. I blocked him on there too. He Hasn’t come back for 6.5 months. Here’s the thing. I am having an extremely hard time letting go. It’s gotten a little better but my mind continues to go back to “he didn’t come back” “he always comes back multiple times”. “He’s moved on with her” “I have so much more going on than her. I’m successful. He takes care of her financially and she needs him. I have my own” “he chose her over me” “Why didn’t he come back this time”. I cut him off. But I still want him to come back. I don’t understand. Why did he come back before but not now and why do I still want him to come back? I want him to want me. I want to feel chosen. I want him to care like he said he did before. I feel like I lost. And he won. He still gets a woman and I get nothing but hurt shame rejection and embarrassment. I have been really strong and not contacted him for 7 months because I KNOW logically this is what’s best for me and my life. But I still love him. And I really haven’t had the desire to contact him. But deep within, I want him to contact me. But he hasn’t. It hurts so bad that he’s moved on with another woman and has easily forgotten about me. It’s like he hates me or something. Like I became trash to him when I know I’m a good person. How do I let go and move forward. I swear I don’t know how. It feels like I’m trauma bonded or soul tied to this guy and it’s scary because he has been my only thoughts for 6.5 months. Can someone shed some light? I need closure but how????

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    1. All narc’s are simply the same.They hate to be alone,ignored even though for a good reason and most of all they really love one person only..themselves.
      He knows exactly how you feel and sadly likes it.He wants you to “want” him back and from what I have read treats the other lady the same.Basically manipulation at it”s best
      Ask yourself this..if he did contact you again..promised you the moon..can you ever trust him again?Or would it be to serve the purpose..I deserve an apology for what he put me through.
      This is what I had to realize when sorry to say knew he treated me like ….. yet waited for some sort of justice
      Well,justice never came so I decided for my own justice.No contact ,no waiting for that apology or hoping somehow it will get better..or he will realize what he did and was doing .
      BTW, sorry to be honest but I did not like your comment how she is not doing well,but you are…what does that have to do with how he is treating you.

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      1. Thank you so much for writing back. I really appreciate it. You’re right. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. That was insensitive of me in my venting. We all are great women who are worthy and deserve the best.

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    2. Blair,
      You are asking for a simple fix to a very complex problem. There is no way I can give you a complete answer in one reply. I have written over a thousand posts and probably at least half of them pertain to why the victim can’t walk away.
      My best advice to you would be to start reading and educate yourself. So many victims educate themselves on narcissists which does help in the beginning but eventually we have to look within and change our way of thinking, retrain our brain and how we view and operate in the world.
      First of all, you have to stop viewing your ex as if he is a normal man. You are trying to make sense of his actions and make them normal. With a normal man all the things you have described would add up to the same conclusions you have. Why would he go back to a woman he said he hated and would never be with. Why would he pick her over you? And why is he now treating you so badly? None of it makes sense because narcissists don’t make sense to a normal person.
      I can’t even begin to describe to you how a narcissists mind works; you would find those answers in the other 1/2 of my posts.
      It is normal for your ego to be hurt. Why didn’t he pick me? He made you feel so much better than “her”, how can she take him back after how badly he treated her?
      With a narcissist all women are interchangeable. You are no better, no worse, no different than every woman before you or after you. He has no preference. It’s a tough pill to swallow, finding out you weren’t special at all. A narcissist can’t love. They connect to no one. Life is a game of strategy. They have no conscience, no remorse, no guilt, and feed off being able to suck people in and cause people pain.
      Once they have had someone they will come back occasionally (it might takes 10 + years) to see if they can suck the victim back in.
      Hey, I went back numerous times for 10 years thinking we had something special, he really loved me. It also took me 2 full years to begin to feel like I would survive.
      I had to retrain my brain. (Please read my posts on retraining your brain), to think of something else. You can do it. We control what we think about. Your mind only knows what we put in it and we direct what we think about. Pathways are built in your brain. The more you think about something the quicker your brain will go to that thought. When you find yourself obsessing about him and her you have to force your mind to think of something else.
      It takes time, a lot of time. There is no quick fix.
      You go no contact so he doesn’t have the chance to destroy any progress you make. Any contact will set you back to square one again because he will find a way to make you feel at fault, less than or second guess yourself.
      Another thing. Blocking him is only good if you don’t check his FB or hers. As long as you are checking his social media he is still getting to you. Why check when you know it will hurt?
      Don’t talk to mutual friends. If they are friends of his they are not friends of yours.
      Tell everyone that you don’t want to know what he is doing and if they insist on filling you in you have to cut them from your life.
      You can love him all you want, it isn’t going to change the fact that he is toxic in your life. You will NEVER “win” as long as he is in your life.

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      1. Carrie,
        Thank you for your site. Yesterday was my birthday and I thought all day about ending my life. I prayed for help and last night came upon your site. Everything you described fit my husband to a T. He cheated on me and said he wanted a divorce after being married to me for 30 years. Like so many, I forgot how to be happy and stopped staying in contact with friends. Your site flipped the switch for me. Now I know I can do this. I have been going through hell for the last month, since he told me he cheated but now I am ready for my divorce. I am so ready that I can taste it. I know I would not be alive today had I not received the greatest birthday gift of my life. Your site. I am so angry that I almost gave him what he wanted. My death. I thank you from the bottom of my heart which does not feel so broken anymore. I am not alone.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Carrie, I’ve seen a few times where you mention that narcissist do not feel regret or remorse. I think I disagree. I don’t think it presents normally, but they do. I know there were moments whenmy narc would do something awful to either me or someone else. Every now and again he would express that he “may” have been wrong and would simply go silent and retreat. THEN..the next day he would be back on the he didn’t actually do anything kick. It was short lived and rejected eventually, but I think they definitely feel it although short lived.

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    1. Blaspie,I am not Carrie but if I may.
      Who cares about any apology if short lived only.My ex narc would also apologize and promise the moon..but those were only words.I believed him so many times because simply wanted him to change.Did he want to change? No, he just said what I wanted to hear and what at the time served him.I know he still untill today thanks that he is perfect and anything bad he has done or said was someone else’s fault..
      So, no I do not believe they really feel remorse,,they just want you to believe they do.

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    2. Blaspie,
      My ex could ACT very sorry, tears and all; admit to everything wrong he ever did, things that previously he had totally denied or tried to make me feel as if I was over reacting.
      I would think, “Finally! He sees the light, he understands, he gets it! He would not admit to something unless he knew it was wrong. Why would he admit to something being wrong if he didn’t believe it was wrong?”
      But as soon as I forgave him and went back to him he would deny ever apologizing or admitting fault or wrong doing. The last time he did it, I asked him outright why he admitted to all the things he had done wrong and promise to change if he didn’t believe it. His answer was, “I said what I had to in order to get you to come back.”
      It wasn’t 1/2 an hour later in our conversation when he said, “It was your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back.”
      As you said, your ex would act sorry but the next day it was like nothing ever happened. That is not guilt or remorse; that is a lack of guilt or remorse.
      You are still doing what many victims do while in the relationship; you are assigning the narcissist emotions he is not feeling.
      The narcissist doesn’t feel most of the emotions a normal person feels so they just check out of the situatin because they don’t know how to respond appropriately. Or they simply don’t care and don’t want to bother faking emotion. The normal feeling person fills in the blanks with appropriate emotions and assumes the narcissist is feeling things he simply is not feeling.
      My ex’s mother used to protect him from any bad news. She was so afraid to tell him that his dad had cancer because he was so sensitive. The truth is; I never saw him shed a tear, he never showed any emotion. His mother said it was because he was so sensitive and over come with emotion he shut down. No, he wasn’t, if he isn’t showing emotion he isn’t feeling emotional, and if he is showing emotion he’s acting.
      I used to do it myself.
      When he didn’t know how to act and would disappear I would assume it was because he felt so guilty he couldn’t face me. When he didn’t fly to his grandmother’s death bed at the last minute I told myself it was because he was so sensitive he couldn’t face it. No, he didn’t go because he was busy screwing a young girl he had met at a party and couldn’t be bothered.
      Don’t kid yourself that they have feelings, accept they what and who they are and you will heal much faster.
      Think about it.
      If they allowed everyone to see they have no feelings, and showed their true shallow, cruel and evil selves to the outside world they would be exiled from society. They HAVE to become excellent actors in order to survive in the world, blend in and hook victims.
      They count on people like you who refuse to accept how evil they are, it keeps people hooked and doubting themselves.

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      1. What i was trying to say was that they can “feel” it, even temporarily. My abuser would frequently express some form of remorse or regret for doing things to other people(not me) and it would be real. It was almost like watching a computer have a glitch. Like there was a momentary glance of him actually realizing he did something wrong. Of course, he would shake it off rather quickly, but I could tell he felt it. So it’s not that I think Narcs are capable of owning their shit, but I feel they can feel it. At least for a time.

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  3. So,my youngest will be graduating next week from HS.Of course ex wants to attend,I left that decision up to her,it is her day.She does not want him there.
    It made me in a way sad , it is in a way her last day as a child and a new everything ahead.Somethng that every kid should celebrate with both parents.
    She just said,I don’t hate him,I just do not trust him and don’t need people like that in my life.Truth is he has caused so much damage and has been given so many chances.
    She even told me , mom we (her and her two brothers) are not kids anymore and please respect our decision.He is who he is and will never change or really mean his apology to us.He chose this,we did not make him do anything he did.

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  4. Karen If you are out here- here is another update. SO I told him after work today he needs to go – it is not working out. He was immediately going with ‘Bye. give me until Saturday to get a truck for my stuff.” Then of course he told me I twist everything, and that he has done so much for me. I pointed out some things, and of course, again, it’s my fault. I should not be surprised by this, but it does hurt to a degree. I have a patio set where there is no hole in the table for an umbrella, but I have an umbrella that sits in a stand to put near the table. I’ve had it awhile. The other day, the umbrella blew over, and I realized it was not tightened enough in the stand. I asked him to help tighten it. He refused, saying it was dumb to buy something like that to begin with. So today, I brought it up as an example. He said he did not call me dumb (I beg to differ because to me, the implication is there) and again said “Yeah, why would I help you with that? It’s not mine.” I am sure this is stuff you gals/guys do not even find surprising. But all of this behavior does add up, and that is why it’s got to end. Very selfish, very immature – and alcoholic to boot. We are not married, so that makes it easier, I suppose. After the conversation today, he popped open a beer and started talking about the baseball game on TV he is going to watch. WOW wow and more wow. How come I feel worse now? OH I KNOW – cuz I was hoping I mattered just ONE iota to get a response, but instead ,his reaction was more of “okay bye.” and disregarding me. Any thoughts on what happens next? As far as his behavior? Just opinions from y’all on that – I know you don’t know him of course, but you do know his type. Thank you for reading this.

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    1. He is doing this because he doesn’t believe you will actually do it,meaning he has to leave.
      Brings back memories,I had “enough” told him so and did not stick by my word.
      I knew it was wrong but at that time believed it will get better.It only got worse.
      I am not saying some people do not change,but,,…

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      1. Martina, Thank you for writing! I’m sure you’re right. I tried doing this one month ago gave the speech about not wanting to throw us away after being together. Ugh! Right now he is on the e with his mom and being jovial and funny and carrying on like zero conversation was held earlier.

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    2. BTW, doesn’t he has friends or anyone he can go to until so called Saturday? Come on..he is just buying time because he knows things can “change”.
      Be happy you guys are not married or have kids together.Then it gets tough.

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      1. When I met him, he was living in a hotel…and that is where he is returning, so yes, I guess he could! He has a history of this living with people and being a transient. Now I feel horrible even saying it because it shows just how much self-esteem I did not have. He asked for weekend so he can rent a truck to take his stuff. I’m wanting this over but still a tiny bit feeling scared because choosing ME is new territory. I feel like I am starting to go out to sea without a paddle. I have gotten rid of toxic “friends” before, but this feels like standing up to the mountain.

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        1. Because you feel for him and that is what normal people with feelings do.I felt for my ex also,he had a bad childhood or so he told me so, he was kind,loving ..too much when I think of it.I was hooked.Once he was living with me, pretty soon his selfishness started to show, things like when he said something that made me sad,it was my fault, or making comments about other woman, it was my fault because I was jealous, or when I cried,I was drama queen.
          I know better today,please learn from my experience.It was always about him and never about me and sadly about our three children we share.

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          1. I am so sorry you had to go through this too. He moved in to my house, but yet I’m the one walking on egg shells hoping the house is clean enough. He does not have a violent side, but he can start yelling and go into a rage over something really small. That’s nothing new to this forum… I know everybody has experienced this. It’s such a shame. But I love this website because it keeps me going and I applaud everybody’s strength on here. I hope day when I have moved on, I can help others.

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            1. Hey, everything bad is good for something. I “survived” and so did my kids.
              I am just trying to “help” others going through this or seeing signs something is just not right.
              Take care of you and take care of someone who deserves you.

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  5. I’m more deeply conflicted now than I’ve ever been. Me and one of my closest friends recently had a blow up. She made a joke about my finances and I joked back that my finances were fine until she intervened and caused my abuser to put me out. She takes this as me “blaming her” which I’m not trying to do.

    I’m aware that I was in a bad situation and needed to get out. However, I was not ready to get out much less because of the actions of my friends. Since I was removed from my abuser it really feels like my life went to shit. I had good credit, a savings account, my health was perfect. Now that I’m out I’m behind on literally everything and am begging for money literally every other week. I do not like living this way. I despise it. I feel in my heart that if my friends had not forced my removal from my situation, I would have gotten out of the abuse while still being on my feet. I know they hate that I blame them, but who else should I blame? They directly confronted my abuser which every resource I can find says you are never supposed to do that. They did, I got kicked out and my life is now a toilet bowl….but I’m not supposed to be upset with them about it?

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    1. James it is natural and common for the victim to look for someone to blame for their situation. Almost all victims of a narc end up in a dire financial situation when they leave.
      I can tell you, if you would have waited to leave until you were financially secure you never would have left. The narc wouldn’t have let it happen, he would have found a way to get any money you saved.
      I think you need to do some soul searching or end up being a victim your whole life. If we always look for someone to blame for our situation we never take responsibility for our own life. What a horribly insecure feeling, relying on others to make wise choices for us. I used to blame my ex for my situation, yes he abused me BUT I stayed.
      If I refused to take responsibility for staying and just blamed him for lying etc, it meant I would forever fear getting involved again. How could I protect myself if I was a victim and had no control over my own life. Being a victim sucks.
      My gut told me not to do certain things, but I chose to listen to the narc and not my gut. That was my choice. I had to learn to trust my gut and not allow myself to be manipulated.
      Now you are away from the abuse and you want to blame friends for your finances.
      Boy! That’s gratitude for you. Look, tough love coming your way right now. I had NO ONE supporting me when I left my ex and ended up sleeping in my truck with my dog for 2 months.
      My family and friends had totally turned their backs on me.
      Articles say to not confront the abuser because it can endanger the victims life. You are alive.
      Your friends did what they thought was the right thing to do, they defended you and confronted your abuser. You should be thanking them for being there for you and caring enough to want to save you.
      Would you rather they walk away and not care?
      Or you wanted to keep whining and complaining about how you were being abused and they were supposed to just keep listening and not do anything?
      People get sick of the victim’s constant complaining about their situation but never doing anything to change it for the better. They either walk away or if they are real caring friends they try to save the victim. I wish someone, anyone would have confronted my ex. Well actually his own sister did and that is what saved my life.
      Your financial situation is your own fault, own it, stop whining about it and get on with fixing it. You are young, you can recoup if you take responsibility for your own happiness and well being.
      As long as you are reliant on someone else for money, for your happiness, for a place to live, you are giving them too much control over your life and you will be a victim forever.
      Maybe your friend shouldn’t have teased you about your finances but you should tell them that not blame them for it.
      You are going to alienate all your friends if you blame them for your situation. You are still trying to figure out if your ex felt guilt or not. You are not fully accepting the situation you were in. I know you weren’t ready to leave, being a victim has become part of you. It is not attractive for a person to constantly be the victim of other people’s actions.

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      1. Carrie,I couldn’t agree more.I also realized I was blaming “a lot” because of my situation.Was I a victim at the time,yes I was.Yet I chose to stay in that situation.I knew deep down how wrong it was but I still did it.I “forgot” to take care of me because it was all about him and he knew it.He knew how to throw me a bone there and there and I was hooked.
        Did our kids and I lose a lot meaning financially..ohh yes.But such is life and to be free of any abuse is a victory.No victims here.

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        1. Martina, your attitude is one of true healing. Many victims get out of one abusive relationship only to find themselves in another one and go from one abuser to another because they never realize they have power to control their own destiny and happiness.
          You and your kids will have a much happier and healthier future with your positive attitude.
          I am so broke with not much hope for financial security in the future but I have no time for regrets or blame. I have so much to be thankful for every day.
          Much happiness to you and the kids.
          Big hugs
          Carrie

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          1. Thank you Carrie for your kind response,it means a lot to me.
            Yes, positive I believe is the only way to go. I refuse to be a victim.I believed in something , was hoping for a change which of course never came.As a mother I have to say I was selfish.At that time it was all about him..his moods..his lies..him trying to make it better,yet next day it would be the same.I had a choice though and chose to “hope, believe”, knowing deep down it was wrong.
            Today I have three wonderful ,kind children whom I know and hope will make positive life choices.
            Hey, everything bad is good for something..right?!

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  6. Hola. I recently went to therapy to try and get my abuser out of my head once and for all. I was nervous at first. It was nerve wracking to tell a complete stranger that as a man, I was being abused by another man that I loved despite the abuse. In just an hour my therapist pretty much summed it up as disregard the abuser and the abuse. It happened. I can’t change him. I have to acknowledge that I let it happen. Yes, there was manipulation in volved, but I allowed it to happen and have to figure out what that is. He asked me to name positive features about myself and I struggled. So now I’ve been working on figuring out my good stuff and won’t allow myself to believe the lies that the abuser tried to feed to me.

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  7. Just when I thought I have seen it and heard it all from ex comes this.
    He sent our kids email telling them he thinks he has throat cancer.Yes, that was the email subject,exactly that..throat cancer.
    Then he proceeded saying he knew there is something wrong for ten years..this is the first time we heard it.Then he said no doctor’s involved.. basically he never went to doctor..so he is self diagnosed.Then he said it is either throat cancer or hernia? What?
    Then he said he needs to save money for doctor’s…what? He has a really good insurance.
    Then he said..never mind you guys hate me anyway and I know you don’t care I have few years left.
    Then he said don’t say a word to your sister..his daughter he has with another ex wife.He said she is too young to know..she is three years younger then our daughter.
    He continued how our kids don’t like him..his life is done and so on.
    For those who don’t know know..our kids are almost 20,19 and one is 17.Yes, they want nothing to do with him for very good reasons.
    Anyway, this is incredible to me. What a manipulation again.This person will stop at nothing.

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  8. Just need some peace of mind. I know I should just move on and let it go but it’s hard when there is a child involved. I wish it was easy to apply the NO CONTACT rule. My thought I would finally live happily ever after when I feel in love with my now ex bf but when his true colors came noticed I couldn’t go back or escape easily, we had a 1 year old but his verbal, emotional and now physical abuse was getting worse so I left. Our arguments were centered around him being a jerk to me his drinking and the drama of his ex “baby mom” who would find her way of making me second guess him ( she once threw her dirty underwear and pj’s with her sons laundry so my ex could wash and as soon as I got upset at him he hit me) and there’s more evil things she did and said…Soon after I left he begged me to back and forth for 2 years and as much as I wanted to forgive him I always put conditions of attending AA meetings and anger management but he never took action. Fats forward it’s been over two years and found out he got back to his ex “baby mom”. Am I jealous? Not quite I’m just disappointed in him because he went back to the person who threw him in jail when their relationship was rocky and who spread her evilness while we were together. She’s called our child mean disrespectful names but he gives her a second chance? Out of all the women out there he chose her. Why?

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    1. Hi Susan,

      Seriously!!! it’s what they do. What will hurt you the most. They are constantly coming up with ways to hurt you. Hence the no contact but you also need to move on. If you ever got back with the ex it would be the same if not worse. Deep down you know you don’t miss him but the possibility of what could have been. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. You deserve better. You are strong. You walked away. Now look after you and your child. Who cares about what he is doing with his old baby mama get on with your life. In fact they love women fighting over them. Carrie calls it triangulation. You will annoy him just by ignoring him. I call this free revenge. It drives them nuts and you have done nothing. Once you move on you will stop having feelings for him I promise. Any dealings you have with him over your child should be business like and avoid any verbal contact. Stick to texts and emails only when absolutely necessary and never take bait and argue about issues. That last one is hard but again it will be more free revenge. They enjoy getting a reaction out of you. Once he realise that you are no longer emotionally available to torture he might just disappear altogether. That’s something to work towards.

      Cheers

      Nelly

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  9. I have been on here off and on over a period of time on this site. I am pretty sure I am living with a Narcissist or some one with mental disorders. I cant name what he has because he hasn’t been diagnosed. But I did speak to our doctor once and he did say that something is not right with him. He is not dangerous, actually he doesn’t have a temper. He might get depressed or down or if some one does something to him he wants to get back…but he ends up taking it out on me…..tormenting starting fights (verbal) arguments.
    If he starts on me, he picks on something I want or I want to do.

    He can be nice we get on everything is normal you could say. After a while he come out with unusual comments…brings up comments that happened months ago…rehashes history….subject changes…..he wants to please people..wants to be the nice person. Like he made a comment about a friend asked if he could come over to give him a hand. Well he couldn’t get there quick enough. He enjoyed his day..said to me…I made Peter happy…he really appreciated what I have done for him…..see he will do anything for others but if I want something he comes out with excuses.
    We were supposed to of married last July..never happened. he arranged a celebrant to come to the house in Jan this year to do paper work with marriage in June….nothing again….his argument is he is not sure he could be faithful to me…then his mental health…he knows there is something wrong with him. Once he has something he wants he then destroys it.
    He divorced 4 years ago..but he never let her move on. She had no idea he was even going to divorce her. So she thought he was going through mid life changes. So she kept her self open so he could come back….he never came back but popped in to see her, he classed her as his best friend. He started dating me, she found out and she was angry. I think he convinced her to move down to where he lives….its that or she moved down hoping he would come to her. He convinced me to move next door to him. He lived two hours away so I thought why not as we were engaged by then and I had my elderly mother with me. So how I see it..he has both of us….he goes over to hers to have a coffee and chat or they meet up for a chat…he isn’t sexually attracted to her because he really doesn’t like her that way….I don’t like it…she would love me to drop him so she can get him back….so he is happy having two women interested in him…but for me…he has backed away from marriage…me buying into his home…and a holiday. He does what he wants I get very little back. Now you might say why are you still with him….I love him, because when we dated etc he was nice and I fell for him and later he changed but he did a lot behind my back. Most likely still does…I some times wish a had a private investigator to check up on him. Just to see what he does behind my back….Just out of interest. He doesn’t want me to go….my latest is a holiday just a few days away….I put it to him….he didn’t have time to think about it. we have no one to worry about…he came back to me in that he wont leave the house because the house might get broken into….he wants cameras up….now he had a disabled son live at home and had carers 24hrs.looking after him and later he found out he had something stolen from his locked office. He is paranoid that some will come and get more. Its was stolen internally. But all I see everything is excuses….so I bought the cameras yesterday..all he has to do is set them up. I said we could go away early August..he says we don’t have anything on. Then says he has no excuse now….Do you think we shall go any where??? Any how just thought I would give you another version how these men or women manipulate you.

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    1. They only can manipulate you if you let them.It took me a long time to figure it out.I would express my feelings,how I felt about what he was doing but never did anything about it.All he needed to do was to promise,be “good” for few days and that did it for me.Deep down I knew he was manipulating me…but.
      Anyway,I stopped it one day and it was over and done with.It did not feel good at first I admit, but I did it.I also had to learn how to simply start over and forget about all the investment I so called put in..whether financial or emotional.For me it was..stop feeling sorry for myself and be proud to start over and most of all feel better about myself.Never ever to allow anyone to treat me badly and trust my instincts.

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  10. Hi – so a few times I have posted here about being rid of my narc. I FINALLY did it this time. He started moving his stuff out, and will be 100% gone Saturday. I had to go to the ER a few weeks ago and got told, “HEY, I’ve got things to do!” Anyway, that’s only one of many situations that I know you can all identify with. I do not miss him, and I feel relief. What is “getting me” right now is that he is being NASTY. He is texting things almost in a “ha ha I am gone” mood. He is also an alcoholic, and so he is back living in a motel (roach motel). I went to therapy, and she told me to stop making it about me- that he is just a nasty person – period. I am trying. But I am still trying to learn about how these demons are. I am hoping once Saturday comes, that part will not bother me as much. I will not be here Saturday when he comes. He is bringing some “friends” which means I will get stink eye because you KNOW it’s all my fault! Any guidance you have, or more reading material, lay it on me please!!! And Thank you!!!

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  11. I need help to stop focusing on him and his new GF only 7 months after he ended it abruptly and cold and via text on Christmas day. A not perfect, I had an affair with my boss who was married and I lived with a guy. I feel in love with my boss, his marriage fell apart recently but only 2 months after his wife moved out did he end it with me.. H made promises to me , he demanded I promised I would never leave him, the I loved him. He was always mad at me when I took care of my kids or if I had to talk to my ex husband. All in all and everything I read he is a narc. Everything that’s list on this site he did to me. right done to the “snuggling” comment. always wanted to know where I was, what I was doing, but would lie to me about what he was doing. I caught him in a couple. My problem is that its been 7 months and am still in pain of him leaving me. we have engaged in phone conversations and texts, both at fault of not using no contact. Know I found out he has a new person. He wont say anything to my other them he has a important person in his life and someone to lean on. however, he just told me today that am an important person to him too. My heart is breaking all over again. what was wrong with me that he didn’t want to be with me. I moved out and I am on my own. He is not divorced yet but going thru it, but I guess now he can date people openly. I know hes not worth it but I cant seem to stop thinking about his new GF and Im still in love. PLease someone help me to stay strong and move on and let him see me move on. BTW I work with him I have to see him everyday.

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