Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie

7,373 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. Alice

    All your comments are so true, you are all my inspiration and strengths to see the truth and keep that path going. Jasmin your prom touched me every word is true we all feel the same way. I agree with the pain and Kim’s and Carries words of wisdom, they know and can explain it very well so that it makes sense. I feel it very intensely some days, it’s like my mind is stuck on him and I can’t break it off but I fight it out and reflect then I try to go out or draw it helps me a bit. I hope karma is true that’s all I keep thinking at the moment mines got it all good now but I hope it starts to fade with his new gf and him and I’m trying to re build like you that’s all we can do. Lots of hugs x

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    1. kim

      alice god sees everything and knows the truth karma will take care of itself i am seeing that happening but am making sure of staying no contact again even if he tries to in some sneaky way it only puts us back with the healing they are destructive and i am embarressed that for my daughter his behaviour affects her but they only think of themselves for her sake i have to stay away from him she deserves a mum who has morals and can be there for her i wish you luck xxx

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      1. Alice

        Thank you Kim. You are doing very well and are very strong with the fact you have a daughter, I am actually also the daughter of a narc dad so I can imagine how he is with her and you and how he will try get in her head to hurt you and play you off each other, all I can say is as I’ve grown up with that and my mum finally got away from my dad, as a daughter of a narc your daughter will eventually see him for who he is and the tricks he used for pain and will probably make her own mind up and stay away or keep him at a distance like I’ve learnt to do. You’ll protect her like my mum did and that’s it amazing becuase I remember how hard that was for my mum, unfortunately I met a narc as an adult and didn’t see it until now but if you teach your daughter now she wk be able to protect herself from meeting one later. My mum didn’t know my dad was a narc until he went to a physiological test as his therapist asked him to go under his referral, so my mum couldn’t have known to tell me but anyway you are doing a great job and always remember that, I am so proud of my mum for getting away from my dad and re building her life, especially as I’ve now gone through the same thing with my ex I understand her more from it and luckily I didn’t have a child to my ex so the pain my mum felt was far worse when used to discard not only her but me for years. Keep strong and hope that helped a bit coming from a narc daughter. I’ve a question to everyone is there a site for adult children of narcs like this?, I sometimes need to vent about my dads narc antics but I don’t as I thought this wouldn’t be the right place. Thank youAll my love x

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        1. kim

          thankyou it means so much that knowing you see it from the other side i am trying as hard as i can to be a better example to her i never want her to go through anything like me there is so much she doesnt know but ive tried to protect her because i want her to have a good relationship with both of us but i know shes very aware of his personality she studied physycology thankyou for your words of support really helps me i wish you well xxx

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  2. Nelly

    Hi All,

    I have something funny to tell but unfortunately it doesn’t start out that way. After 28 years of marriage I found out my N was dating/sleeping with lots of women. This only came to light late one night when I stayed up to watch a movie by myself. His recharging phone would not stop binging. I went to turn it off and to my horror I saw the proof of his infidelity in black and white.

    This I had warned him was a deal breaker from the day we meet along with physical violence. I still put up with verbal, emotional and ambient abuse for several decades but this was a deal breaker for me and I was determine to stick to it. Somehow I seemed to do everything right. Instead of losing it I stayed outwardly calm, I took a month to get my finances in order, wrote him a letter, sat him down and delivered it with no tears or loud angry voices and asked him to leave. Six weeks later my lawyer has served him with financial settlement papers. Please do not try this method if your N has “any” violent tendencies. My N reserves his violence for his sexual fetish ladies but that is a whole other story. We just have so many the mind boggles.

    Anyway now for the funny bit. A few days ago, months after I threw him out, I got this email from my N and below is an extract. I laughed so hard I had happy tears. You see my husband was in the discarding phase but had not found the new women yet. So me discarding him really hurt and this was his pathetic attempt to rewrite history. I have totally ignored it, even more hurt for him. Plus this is total guilt free revenge because I have done nothing and I feel the laughter has shed months off my recovery.

    ” Be very clear about our relationship. It no longer exists. I hope this leaves you with no room to imagine where we currently stand with each other.”

    What was his first clue me throwing him out or the served papers? I hope this helps everyone to see the positive side. I so could have gone the other way but I get revenge just by being happy. Sweet!

    Wishing everyone a happy day!

    Nelly

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Nelly, congrats on doing it right! and you did do it all the right way. To confront and rage at them only gives them ammo to call you crazy and make you feel guilty. I love his email, they have to get the last word. and a lot of times something like that will get them the desired reaction. Either the victim gets so angry they contact the N to give a piece of their mind or they can’t stand him rejecting them; you were very smart.
      thanks for sharing your story.
      HUgs

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    2. Heather

      Nellie
      I calmly told my ex N through email that i was about to file for divorce. It’s been 33 months since we split up. I’ve had to save money to get this thing going, as we all know they won’t do the work to divorce you. He had this odd belief that he was going to be bought out of our home and have some money for nothing in his pocket. Equalization at the time of separation, is something he seemed to not know anything about, even though he told me he had consulted a lawyer.. When he realized i wasn’t that easy to run girl anymore and i was calmly responding to his emails, and he was having no effect on me. He started to threaten me with having me evicted from the house and moving his family into it. The calmer you are and they don’t set you off the more unhinged they become. All of a sudden with all the stuff i had mentioned in the preceding email about the stuff i could prove and how he’d on several occasions put this family and house at risk, the threats about taking me to court and evicting me from the house stopped. He did a lot of horrendous things to me and my kids. That would have come out in court. He’s in a relationship with his perfect mark!! The one he had all ready to take him in weeks before we separated. She has announced their engagement AGAIN with different date of proposal, i am sure to make her look less like a homewrecker, on her facebook page.( i feel intensely sorry for her)… My laugh out loud was his final email..”I will give you the house just to get you to back off just remember Carma will get you in the end” They never own what they do or what they say or the damage they leave behind!!!

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      1. Nelly

        Hi Heather,

        Your “laugh out load” moment did put a smile on my face. They are so predictable. So if anyone else has one perhaps they should share. Laughter is the best medicine. My N was so controlling that he would insist that I stopped giggling all the time. He might as well of told me to stop breathing.

        He has also stated that he has moved on with a women, 20 years his junior. She is committed to him but he is still dating other “very sexy” women from 23 to 37. He’s a 48 year old N, overweight, balding, losing his teeth and now in serious debt. Such a catch! Because he is a N, I assume most if not all are lies. He has even starting showing her picture around Facebook but it only shows a scantly clad women, from behind with no head. LOL. What he doesn’t know is that I no longer care. Sure it hurt me when I found out about his long betrayal, 16 years if he can be believed, and kicked him out. Now I just feel sorry for the new girlfriend or wife as they have no idea what they are in for.

        LOL when ever you feel like it!

        Cheers!

        Nelly

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        1. kim

          nelly this did make me laugh they think they are so it they should be grateful to get a catch they are truly horrible he is middle 50s with hernias prostate problems and major issues sexually hes had a perversion for the whole of 30yrs marriage never could enjoy normal sex now after deserting me has found out he can enjoy normal sex with another woman whoopee she dumped him though cant have been that great now hes after even younger women oh and also asked if my friend available thats how sick they are makes you think why do we spend any time grieving over them there are more important things to do like trying to survive when left with nothing thankyou for the laugh it is the best medicine good luck xxx

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          1. Nelly

            Hi Kim,

            If it wasn’t for the fact that we probably live on different continents I would say we were married to the same man!

            Cheers!

            Nelly

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          2. kim

            also hes a fitness freak since 50s buys books on how to achieve perfect male body always used to boast about muscles that wernt there tried to work as a fitness coach and life coach not a good role model that didnt work out no surprise on to next job and next woman gosh what a way to live x

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            1. Nelly

              Oh Kim,

              Mine too. Now if you tell me he rides bikes I’m going to get scared. We have a gym room in our house. He was taking pictures of his scantly clad, overweight body on gym equipment and posting them on dating sites, obviously while we were still living together. Yuk! Unfortunately I can never unsee them. I am however putting the gym equipment to good use and have made a deal with my self that I won’t start dating again until I am a much happier and healthier me. Relax Carrie, that should take me at least another year to lose enough weight to qualify as healthy. Although it is incentive to work very hard on me.

              Cheers!

              Nelly

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    3. Rae

      Hi Nelly,

      So happy you found to courage to do what you do. You are strong and fierce. It’s so crazy, because I too have received emails with words so similar to that of you ex N. Laughing and crying tears of joy.. Breaking free, with confidence, and class.. Inspiriation.

      Stay Strong!
      Rae.

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  3. Nelly

    Thanks Carrie, I have read so many sad stories I just wanted to put a smile on some faces. I still grin whenever I think about it. Education is the key so you know what to do and when. So, many thanks, as I have learnt most of this from you and your site.

    I have noticed a lot of people ask when does it stop hurting so much. Me Too! I feel their pain as it is early days for me and I have been reading and learning from this site for months but only just starting to feel confident enough to contribute.

    Apart from rule nuber 1, “No contact” which is very, very important but hard for some of us to acheive. Particularly if they, the N, is not follwing the rule. My turning point came when I decided to take every N comment or deed and use it as validation that I had made the right decision and I was never, no matter what, going to let the N be part of my life or continue to hurt me. They cannot hurt you if you change your thinking. Easier said than done you say sceptically. It does take some practice. Its a bit like stick and stones that you learnt at school. If they do or say hurtful things don’t analyse it, just change your inner voice to change it to say you “dodged a bullet with that one” instead. An example, my ex said (so he was probably lying), he was dating someone so beautiful it made his eyes hurt (puke). This comment was obviously made to make me feel ugly and unworthy but instead of allowing my inners voice to do a critique on me such as when did I last fix my hair or put on some make up, I just say ” I’m a goddess and he is not worthy”. This tells my brain I’m beautiful just the way I am. Find your own inner voice and only allow it to make positive comments. I scold mine when ever it deviates. No I’m not nuts this is a valid technique. Please give it a try, it can’t hurt. The negative thoughts (inner voice) are a nasty by-product of living with a N for so long. So whatever your N does or says don’t go to the negative first or if you do, don’t worry, just change it to a positive. Practice makes perfect. Anyone can do this even if at first you don’t believe your positive inner voice comments. If you say it enough you will start to feel the positive effects and retrain you brain.

    Keeping smiling or fake it until you can!

    Nelly

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Nelly, very good advice! I have done several posts on retraining your brain and changing that inner voice. Victims always say they can’t stop thinking about him or can’t stop thinking they could have done something different; but they CAN, like you said; it just takes work, it isn’t easy.
      Reading this conversation with you ladies I remembered after my ex and I split, I had left him (because he made me feel like he loathed me!
      But of course I “couldn’t” do no contact and every chance he got he rubbed salt in my wounds. Anyway, we had an argument about something and he said, “This is why I can’t be with you, That’s it! we’re done!” I said, “You can’t dump me! I already dumped your ass!”
      So out of touch with reality!!
      HUgs

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  4. jasmine

    Brilliant Nelly thank you xx i keep saying that jas you have dodged a bullet and i rehearse if he comes back .. oh go away !! your utter rubbish clear off and I manage a slight smile .. Infact thank you all of you and Carrie too I would be mental without this support forum ! Honestly I feel like an alcoholic going to a AA group I have to read and read and see what I am dealing with when my mind tells me what he brainwashed me with I have to look at his Narc traits again he love bombed me for so long 24/7 and the discard process for me was within a few weeks so a utter shock im still in I believe. I ! I fail to see how he could take me to a luxury hotel for a romantic night and have another one on the go and go out the room and call her as I found out .. you would never have know .!.it disgusts me fortunately I had no Std. .. hes even tried to get me back with me and carry on with her ! Unreal they are inhuman uncaring yes we all dodged the bullet what is life with a liar and a cheat and I am still discovering the lies now ! they come across as such charmers !! Lets stay good people and hold our heads up high it is hard yes as they have no empathy and you want to literally hit them hard where it hurts but what have they got without a soul and heart nothing . Keep strong all of you hugs xx

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    1. shazza

      Hi Jasmine, just read yr post. I’m on here everyday now to keep strong. You wrote about his other women and lies . Omg I never no my husband was a N untill I found this blog….I always knew something was terribly wrong with him but didn’t no what, and now everything fits. I have been with him 6years, married for 3yrs. We have broken up at least 3 times but got back together. This is the 4th, I told him it was over and told him to leave, he did 3wks now. I’m still in early stages but pushing three each day. It’s hard to comprehend that the whole relationship was a lie. It’s mind blowing, I had everything a N does, projecting, gas lighting, compulsive liar etc. I thought I was going nuts!! A lightbulb moment went off about his lies coz things weren’t adding up, strange phone calls and numbers, he would go out and not tell me where etc….everything was so secretive….if I questioned he would get defensive and create a argument, so I learned not to question. He was secretly a druggie, a slut, a porn addict, dating sites, you name it….and I fell for the lot. He thinks he’s it…..His computer and cell phone were top secret also…and I found a 2nd cellphone he had brought and hidden. Properly for his dating/sex sites. Mind blowing…..and has doing a smear campaign on me at present.

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  5. Alice

    Nelly your words and tips made me feel positive I’ll try it, I think from reading those you are an inspirational woman, good on you and well done and thank you xx

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    1. Nelly

      Hi Alice,

      I’m Just like you trying to get over the greatest betrayal of my life whilst unraveling the train wreck my N has left in his wake. After 29 years that is just a massive pile to sift through but worth it in the end.

      Your right Jas it is like going to AA or our perception anyway. When I am feeling low I jump on the forum and see whats new and when I leave I feel so much better. Stronger for knowing other people are going through the same thing, surviving and sometimes even thriving.

      I thought it was time to give a little back. I know I read about brainwashing somewhere by Carrie and it made me question my inner voice and then start correcting it. I could not believe how I was talking to myself. I was doing my N’s work for him. It had to stop! They are so lazy that they train you to do it for them. Mind boggling. It was then that I actually started to heal. You need to make all your inner voice comments positive and try to stick to comments about you. For example “I’m a goddess”, “I am perfect just the way I am” as apposed to “he’s a douche bag” or in Australia we would call him a “d–k head”, no matter how true, because that is a negative and its about him and we want them out of our lives.

      As for financial settlement his current tactic is destabilization, that is I will get a pleasant email and then a nasty email and so on. He has not broken pattern yet but I’m only expecting worse in the future. He has all these demands but is actually doing nothing. (That’s another trait to add to the red flag list, “bone lazy”.) Mine was always very busy doing nothing. It’s a shame I cannot just hand it over to the lawyers. My contact is strictly email even though he has made several requests to meet up in person and showing up out of the blue at a medical appointment he knew I had. I just walked out.

      So Alice and Jas you have helped me just by sharing. Thank you. It took me months to share so well done you!

      Cheers!

      Nelly

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      1. Carrie Reimer Post author

        Nelly, these words
        ” it made me question my inner voice and then start correcting it. I could not believe how I was talking to myself. I was doing my N’s work for him. It had to stop!”
        Exactly!!!

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  6. Bluepie

    I’m new to all this having recently taken the time to actually find out what made my parents so awful and came up with a Histrionic mother and A Narcissistic father. It all makes sense. The trouble is it hasnt’ stopped. I am now 65 years old with a 94 year old fit father now alone. I have been told by a tired GP that I must expect another 10 years at least yet. 65 years of hell, no I correct myself, 63 because I moved 200 miles away and both parents followed 2 years later. There is no getting away because he enlists others. This can be the police because he doesn’t know where I am, so I am therefore missing or phoning up family etc where is she. I have constant phone calls, so I pull the plug. I go on breaks but I have left this dear wonderful old man apparently. Luckily hes old and rather deaf so I say what I like, as in ‘that’s because your a bastard!’ ‘You old fart’ etc. Its great fun and eases the stress. ‘No, its not the family stressing me out its you’. ‘I don’t accept that’ or I cant remember that’ are all a part of his technique. I just hate the pig. Its like having a sodding vampire of my very own. However, I just tell GPs and professionals he a N and this has helped them, as much as myself. Boy does he fancy himself! Gods gift he is, at 94! One thing I can say is it all wears thin within the family frame. I send him up rotten and he knows I am not afraid of him. As I have been under enormous pressure to look after him, I’ve told him he would need to gift the house to me as I wouldn’t consider anything else. I have to protect my future. That didn’t go down well. Basically hes scared. He wont go in a home, what and be like all the others with no status? Who’s going to look after me? Its very funny. I’ve got him alright, which he knows and besides, I’m passive aggressive. All comes to those that wait! So that’s it. These nasty little shits shrink with age. I’ve got to the point now where I want to keep him alive for as long as possible. I wonder why?

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  7. jasmine

    Hi all of you are struggling with the fact that they tricked your mind into conditioning into thinking that it was real love well it was it was on our side ! This helped me ..
    Leaving someone who treats you bad
    Dosent mean you stop loving them
    It just means you started loving you !!!
    Hugs and strength to you all xx

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