Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie
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7,605 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. nelly

    Hi shazza,

    The N did me the biggest favour over Christmas and New Year by disconnecting my phone and internet service. It cut me off. Without the daily reminder that they existed it is easier to move on. The constant reminder had me more on edge and analysing things that were better left alone. I am so much more relaxed and forgiving of myself. So if there are no kids involved or divorce pending block his number so you don’t get them. Change your number if you have to but get them out of your life. If you do have to communicate I use email and keep it strictly business. They will try to suck you in to more communication by insulting or belittling you but just don’t respond. Remember strictly business. Know that by not responding, or taking the bait you are annoying them more than they are annoying you. This is N 101, if you want to feel better and heal quicker, “No Contact”.

    I know its easy to say but think of it like rehab and the N is the addiction. There is a better life out there you just have to want it but first take the temptation away. “No Contact”

    It kills me not to defend myself but by doing so I realise I’m just giving the N the power to upset me. Sometimes I get so angry that I do write a response but I never, ever send it and it allows me to vent to the universe without cheating myself. Another good response to anger is exercise. I have lost 10kgs, (20 pounds) in three months. Just another 20kgs til I get back to dating weight. I can hardly wait!

    Remember keeping smiling or fake it until you can!

    Nelly

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Nelly, EXCELLENT advice!!! You are right; he did do you a favor. Any contact at all will send the victim right back to day one.
      No matter how strong a person is. Even now 6 years out, I would run in the opposite direction if I saw him.
      The longer you are no contact the more you start to fear contact.
      Good for you taking control of your life. I used to also write long letters that I never sent. Once I dumped it all out and read it the next day I would realize I hadn’t said anything that I hadnt said a hundred times before and it had never made a difference
      High 5! Hugs

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  2. FoFo

    Thank you all. You’re all spot on about how I should be handling this, but you know how difficult it is since I was blindsided by his exit. He actually left a letter accusing me of infidelity (never happened), and the rest of his belongings in my attic upon his exit. So he left one foot in the door and thought I’d submit to his unreasonable, false accusations so I got rid of all of his personal items. (Gave them to a friend of ours to hold on to). Now he is calling friends saying that he is so sad that “I accused HIM of cheating”, which I did after finding some interesting items he left behind either as bait, or evidence or a threat…whichever, he got the reaction he expected by me becoming unhinged and accusatory. Since then, in a stupid effort by me get answers, he has been telling me I should see a Priest, doctor, psychologist, etc…because I’ve lost “MY” way… Valentine’s Day would be our 16 years together. This morning I received a photo of a heart made by clusters of flowers with the word “memories” in the subject line.

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  3. Lisa

    I tried working with some Australian woman and said I was suicidal and confused about their billing and was told to “grow up.” Not really helpful advice

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    1. D. J. Smith

      I am joining you. My N only answers me in 1 word answers, coldness, etc. Moved out but texts me as we are still connected for a few months financially. I am close to the suicidal thinking, lonely, etc. My son graduated and moved out a year ago; my ex a month ago. He talked to my son on Christmas day after opening all my gifts about how he’d wanted to leave for 5 years and how terrible it was to be around me. When I told him my son had told me and considered it horrible that he’d talked to him about me on Christmas, he screamed at me in the middle of a restaurant about my son betraying him and called him multiple cuss words at the top of his voice. The rest of my family is telling me my depression, etc. is due to empty nest syndrome because my son left and I need to realize he had to leave! OK – that happened long ago. I went from 10 years of being with my ex each night and most weekends to nothing. The treatment was typical – ignoring me for days, withholding sex, throwing tantrums, etc., but I was not totally alone. I am so sick of being told to go join a club, find new friends, etc. I try and I watch unhappy, lonely people with plastic painted smiles meeting unhappy, lonely people with plastic painted smiles! This is hard and only those who have been around these men understand. I admit describing his behavior makes me sound crazy as no one believes things he did! So sorry the seriousness of your situation was not recognized.

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      1. Heather

        Hey C.J
        I can relate to almost all of what you said. You’re N will do whatever it takes to wash the blame of his inability to be a grown up responsible man off him and throw it onto you. He will take no responsibility for his actions that led to the end of your marriage. I was never more alone then when i was living with my N, he was a warm body taking up space and air, there was nothing that resembled a marriage between us. I was the text book wife and he never plugged into the marriage. I’ve had almost 3 years now to come to the realization that nothing i was ever gonna do was going to be enough. Nothing you say to your family/friends will ever be understood, no one can wrap their heads around this kind of marital deception they perpetrate on us. Even now after losing everyone i thought were going to be there for me…i am still wondering how it all got to be like this. It isn’t easy to find new friends when we get away from these Non humans!! They have damaged our ability to be the naive trusting person we used to be. I’m still lost, and have no idea who i am now, but i know what i won’t tolerate ever again!!. I wouldn’t meet up with your N again…it’s stressful and you should avoid it at all costs. Lawyers should be the only contact as soon as you can make that happen.!! I have also found that when you start telling people how bad it was, not only do they not believe you, (because the N has already spread nasty rumours about you, trashed you to whoever will listen) they don’t really much want to hear it either. I had to figure out how to deal with this alone. Constant research has helped me a lot. keep telling yourself you’ll be Okay i promise you the Okay will come!!

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  4. Nikki

    Hello All,

    I’ve been listening to YouTube videos by Mark Smith at Family Tree Counseling. They’re fantastic. He is a therapist that was duped by a female narcissist (in his personal life). He hit rock bottom and took both psychological and financial hits, due to the narcissist. However, with hard work, he won his life back. I especially like this video https://youtu.be/2DUWDxCNj6g
    (15 Exercises That WILL Empower You To Ditch Your Narcissist!)

    I’m certainly not taking anything away from Carrie, as I do love this Support Forum and appreciate it greatly. Last night, Carrie was in my dream. Actually, it turned into a nightmare because the N really showed his true colors; a violent side that I hadn’t seen before. It scared me a little because it was so vivid and seemed so real. I’ll use it as motivation to carry through with my plan.

    I know you gals are on here to hold me accountable. I really have taken many steps to put my plan into action. The right time will be here shortly. I might be kidding myself, as I’m always needing to do “one more thing”, before the time is right. I want to come out of this terror with the least injuries as possible (financial). I know I will have to disappear and protect myself from the N, as I don’t know what he is capable of. It’s weird because I feel like a poor little abused woman, yet he’s never hit me. That’s why I start thinking that I must not be abused.

    In the end, I guess it is abuse; emotional/psychological.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Nikki, only you know when the time is right but I know first hand how quickly time slips away and the N will never let you get to the point of feeling you are ready.
      I felt as you do, just a little while longer, until my truck is fixed, until I have enough for rent, the was always an excuse.
      Just because he has never hit you doesn’t mean he can’t kill you. If you are afraid it is for a reason. Don’t ignore your gut instincts
      All the best of luck to you.

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  5. Crb

    Nikki
    Please don’t trick your self into justifying the that it is not abuse it is !!! It took months before I would say I was abused ,,,,but it was quiet passive aggressive way abuse ,once we admit this ,,the freedom comes the healing comes,, the Narc I was involved in ,as most narcs do ,accused ME of abuseing him , he even has my son convinced that if I wag my finger at him or raise my voice it is a form of abuse they are expert victims ,,,the N even said I ” abused him “by turning power off to him cabin when he refused to pay for 7 months ,,they know how to play that fiddle !!! Be carefull do what you need to do you know when the time is right just please be safe ,,,

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  6. Bittersweet08

    Ok, it’s been a while since I have posted because I went back to the N. Things seemed ok, until he didn’t show Valentine’s Day and turned it around on me saying that I wasn’t understanding of his needs. After that night I went no contact, yet again. I thought I was getting stronger because it didn’t hurt anymore. Until this morning, I woke up to four voicemails of him describing in detail of the girl he was with and how sexy she is in stockings. That killed me. My mind is spinning with hurt and my heart is in pain.
    He also went on to say that ten years from now, I am still not going to find a man that will want a relationship with me because I’m a horrible person to love. He accused me of cheating and lying. He said I manipulated him to waste four years of his life.
    If I do ever move on, and find myself with a loving devoted honest man, I would never dream of rubbing it in his face. I would never wish that hurt on my worst enemy. Why does it hurt so badly. Why when I see a young pretty girl walk by, do I automatically feel an overwhelming feeling of low self esteem. Why am I hurt that he has moved on. Literally was begging to see me three hours prior and because I said NO, he flips and moves on to some chick and then calls to tell me about it!? How do I lift this horrible strangle hold he has over me. I just do not want to hurt anymore.

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  7. CRB

    Dear Bittersweet

    Bittersweet you are mourning a loss,,, I am so sorry your are hurting so bad and betrayed like you were ,, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS ABUSIVE TREATMENT ,they( narcs’s ) have no common sense and these hurtful things he is saying to you is about him ,he is saying things about him self,, NOT YOU !!! you are a GOOD PERSON ,a LOVABLE PERSON REMEMBER THAT ,,do not try to understand there craziness it is there world and you can’t go there cause you don’t think like that,,reach out to your friends do things that make you feel good,,,they want to bring you down don’t let him,,hold your head up high,,,i have been thru a lot of counselling and they all say ,,,journal your feelings write him a letter,, saying how much he hurt you scream ,yell whatever you feel,, and then burn it,,DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN,, PROTECT YOUR SANITY TAKE YOUR POWER BACK FROM HIM HE IS NOT ALLOW TO HAVE IT,,Sorry i don’t mean to sound like i am yelling,,i just care and know what you are going thru life is too short to waste any more time on him but you will be on a roller coster for a while,feel the emotions except them,, and be very good to yourself,,
    please take care ,,,

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