Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie

7,193 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. Maggie B

    I can’t believe it’s taken me more than 50 years to recognise that my mother is a narcissist. The more I read about narcissism, the more it sounds like my mother’s behaviour.

    I always knew she was immature, even childish in her behaviours, but having lived away from my home town for more than 20 years, I didn’t realise how controlling she was of my stepfather.

    Not long after I moved back to my home town, my mother threw a huge hissy-fit and out of the blue accused my stepfather of having an affair. That is not something that my stepfather would even do. Besides, mum has manipulated him so much, that he can’t leave because he’s so emotionally messed up and still ‘loves’ her. I think that if he left he feels that his world will fall apart.

    I quickly realised that my mother’s accusation against my stepfather was another means of controlling him. She saw that my stepfather was helping me with a few things around my new home, and was jealous of the small amount of attention he was giving me. So she felt she had to regain full control of him which led to the ridiculous accusation of infidelity. She has been ranting at him for over a week now and he is not in good health, so I am very concerned for him. She won’t allow him to leave their home or to make telephone calls.

    When it began and her extreme behaviour was frankly, quite baffling, I talked to someone in the local mental health team, and initially the thought was that she was developing dementia. They said that if she made threats against anyone or there was concern that she would harm someone that I should phone the police and then the ambulance so the medical team could assess her. After she threatened to confront the woman she claims my stepfather is having the affair with, I heard her raging on the phone and told my stepfather that I’d already phoned the police and that I was going to phone the ambulance to have her assessed. He refused to allow the ambulance to be called, and said that she’d settle down.

    A few minutes later, my mother took off in the car still threatening to confront the woman. Later after she came home, I received a frantic telephone call from my stepfather asking me to phone the ambulance because her behaviour had escalated further. I spoke with the ambulance officer about what was happening as I was concerned about her behaviours and that she was possibly developing dementia. The police had already talked to her at home and then later the ambulance came and assessed her. She was able to act rationally enough so they couldn’t take her in. By that stage I had driven over, picking up my brother on the way. We talked to the ambulance officer who said that they couldn’t take her in because she was rational enough to pass their test, but he acknowledged that there was something very seriously wrong going on.

    Rather than allowing my mother to alienate the rest of my siblings, most of whom I had been speaking with about what was going on, I told her that it was all my decision to phone the police and the ambulance. So of course, I’m banned from ever going there again or phoning them.

    My brother and I went to see our mother’s general doctor and told him all about her behaviours and he thought that she was showing signs of dementia and made some notes on her chart. Unfortunately there’s not a lot more we can do unless we take out a court order to have her taken into the hospital mental health unit against her will, which my stepfather won’t allow.

    It’s now been over a week since this major hissy fit began. My mother won’t allow my stepfather out of the house, unless it’s to buy groceries and then she yells at him for buying something wrong (my sister is there at the moment, trying to act as a buffer.) My stepfather is not allowed to use the house-phone and my mother has taken his mobile phone from him. He’s basically a prisoner in his own home.

    I went over there today, not to be nasty to mum (because there’s no point), but to try and help my stepfather to see reason, to at least understand that everything she is doing is her way of manipulating and controlling him. He’s is so terribly distressed and distraught and confused. My heart aches for him, but there’s nothing more I can do now. I have to keep my distance.

    My stepfather insists that my mother just needs time to settle down and then it will all blow over, but my sister keeps reminding him, that it will never blow over because our mother wants to keep her control of him, and she’ll do anything to keep him under her thumb.

    My mother has been quite abusive towards my sister too, and telling her get out and that she’s not welcome and swearing at her. Thankfully my sister is stubborn like me, and won’t go, at least for a few more days. Once she goes, we all understand that my stepfather will be isolated with the monster who is our mother, and from that point on, who knows what will happen. I remain very concerned that my stepfather may take his own life.

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  2. MB

    Sorry about you stepfather. It does sound as though your Mother is a Narcissist. I really can’t think of a way you can help you stepfather . You need to get him some reading material on the subject. Hopefully he’ll read so he can change his understanding and just leave.

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  3. Peacekeeper

    Help please. He left me again for the third time. I keep thinking I know what he is but even his counsellor says he has traits but would not define him as a full blown narccissist. I am devastated again and confused all around but mostly exhausted from it all. The more I read the more I see I am not alone and although I think my story is so ironic I see now it isn’t. How am I going to get out of this? He left me the same day my sister moved to another province and at a time as I watch my mother slowly die from a lung disorder. He knows I have abandonment issues, his timing was iconic!!! He threatened to call the police if I wouldn’t leave his apartment when I was in a full blown panic attack over everything. Please shed some light on my upheaval. I am so very tired and am scared I will never be free.

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  4. MB

    Dear Peacekeeper, you need to do what I am trying so hard to do until I’m out of here……disconnect emotionalally. The thing they need the most from you is to see the pain, fear, and anguish they can cause you. It makes them feel in control. It is so hard There are many of us going through this so don’t feel alone. Your Dr saying that he is a certain degree of Narcissist doesn’t mean a whole lot. Basically we are all narcissistic or we’d never fix ourselves in a mirror or worry how nice we look. Narcissist have an out of control degree and they know how to be cunning with it in public. They could fool their own Mother if they wanted to. You know the real person and live with his cruelty. All your problems are meaningless to a Narcissist. They are the only one that matters to themself. THEY ARE WEAK. You are strong and you can do this. Success is the best revenge.

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  5. helen

    One thing that I have noticed going through all this, these men/women seem to pick the nice or co-dependent women. This people spend time working you out find all your weak spots and once they have you under their spell. They start changing playing games, twist and turn things so your mind starts getting confused. These people need to control you, manipulate you and once they get you they walk away. Leave you devastated because you have lost your self (unknowingly) because you have focused just on them. So when they leave you are empty so when they come back ( because they will) you will take them back and you go back to how you were and it will start all over again….They do this to control you.
    What you need to do now, that he has gone. Work on your self. you can do this now because he has left you now 3 times so you should know his pattern..don’t take him back either because you need to get your self healed, be strong and do things for you.

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  6. jjasmine

    Hi ive been writing on the ending your relationship with a Narcissist in that section but ive just found this section and I would value support. Its been over three weeks now since I left my Narcissist and I thought I was doing pretty well until today . Its all come flooding back to me all the good times , not the bad ive tried to wash my mind with for the last three weeks, not the lies not the fact he slept with someone while with me; not the fact he sent me crazy in the head that last month with him as I just knew he was lying until I called his bluff and said i knew and he fell for it.
    All im thinking of is the best friend I miss how he could be so charming all the good times not what a evil thing he did to me. Will I ever mend .
    I feel broken, lost incomplete .Men are being nice to me as im single again and im comparing them to how he was when he was lovely to me they dont match up he was my everything. I feel worthless today . I question why he choose someone else . Younger, more fun . Someone tell me I will get over this please . I thought I was doing so ,, so well but I feel empty inside like hes sapped the very heart of me . I cry every time our songs come on. I look for his car , I remember his laugh .
    The first week was hell but then I picked up and thought Im so much better without that liar and cheater but now ive hit rock bottom again . How do I keep the strength when he contacts me I know hes been looking me up to say no but then again I feel dead now inside can it get any worse if I become friends again with him .

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    1. kim

      jasmine im afraid to say im 2 half years he left me after 30yrs married and at the moment im struggling with theser same feelings also a lot of other things happening survival after being left with nothing but its a real extreme rollercoaster of feelings which hopefully wont go on forever there are somr days i feel stronger and i watch you tube loose women and funny things to distract from the feelings sometimes nothing works each time i think of the good times i try to replace the thought with the reality of how he made me feel broken and scared its normal to feel so many emotions you are not alone sometimes i miss him so much but quickly realise im missing the person he was pretending to be its so hard but there are women who have got through and are doing well on here lately ive imagined meeting him and being a strong together woman and throwing a jug of water over him then calling a cab and leaving even just imagining this makes me feel a bit better we are worth more than how theve treated us we just need to believe it i wish you luck this is a wonderful support forum that carries created xxx

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      1. kim

        just to add i wouldnt listen to sad songs its torture especially ones you heard with them at the moment i know how there are so many triggers that remind us of them everywhere you go sometimes songs that make you feel empowered as a woman can be helpful the usual one by gloria gaynor is good i will survive x

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  7. jjasmine

    Thank you Kim for that lovely supportive message x 30 years that is terrible. Mine was one and a half years . Today I feel immense anger , how can a person be so cruel, how can they masquerade like this so cleverly. I go through everything now thinking everything was a lie, but it dosent feel it at the time , they are such charmers. Yes Carrie has done a wonderful thing in setting up this forum and ive read and read and take inspiration from women who have got through this . Most of all I feel stupid im an intelligent woman who is quite untrusting at times and Im not tricked easily how could I be such a fool. I feel for the rest of my life I will have my defenses up now .

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    1. Heather

      jjasmine
      I was with mine for over 16 years. I have also been away from him for 2.5 years. We had split up a lot over that 16 years. Two years of living together and even during that time wondering why he never seemed happy. No matter what i did it wasn’t enough. He’d been bothering me to get married, i figured maybe if i married him he’d feel safe and secure, then things would get better. They didn’t, in fact when things went wrong they went deeper and deeper into the painful abyss each time. Separation upon separation. He’d come back and we’d have a few days to a week of happy laughing times only to have things go even more miserably wrong. After all the separations and the constant begging for assistance with household chores, maintain employment, love, affection, attention, sex. We split again in March of 2014. I had been so stuck into that way of life, i had no idea that it was the last time, i had been discarded and our marriage had ended. It took a few more months before i found out that i had been replaced. Six weeks before we split up he had hooked back up with a girlfriend from his teen years. He’d sent her a facebook request, they exchanged new pictures, changed his password, and was making plans. By the time i finally was forced to ask him to leave, he and she had an apartment and moved in with each other the next day (strangely he didn’t make plans to leave me, i had to make him go?). He immediately shut out his life here, like it did not exist!!! He has made a mess of his life over these 2 1/2 years…He has tried to hoover me. resumes sent out with my address and cell number on them, recently off and on for over a year and a half, he’s sent coupons and samples here in his name (female products). he’s reached out to our old couple friends who have eliminated him from their lives, through texts, calls to the mans place of employment. He made his sister who did not like me send me a facebook friend request?!?! So he’s not really treating the one he left me for that he still lives with better!!. Through all of this jjasmine, i have had to remind myself that no decent, feeling, human being would behave in any of the ways he does..I still feel like i wasn’t a good wife!!! .They only think about themselves. I wish i had had the courage to leave when i first noticed something was wrong with this person. You will hurt, you will cry, you will focus on the good things, that is because you are going through the normal feelings of a breakup from a person who was not normal. They don’t change they don’t wake up one morning fully understanding what they’ve done or how they’ve treated you…!!!! You have the ultimate gift of having your life and future back in your hands…that is the best thing ever!!!! DO not give that guy any more power over you!!, I’d suggest you not date till you see what’s been done and how, so it doesn’t happen to you again!!😉 I marred the same type of guy twice!! (I am about to turn 52)

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