Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie
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8,702 Replies to “Support Forum”

  1. Thank you,Martina.Im sorry you went through bad times and you are so lucky to be free.It’s harder when you have kids from him i’m assuming. But I don’t know why my narc does this silence,no communication treatment.!He just uses me and wants to get rid of me till the next time.It’s hell being with a narc!!

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    1. Yes, it’s hell but you can change it. I used to make excuses …what will I do as a single mom with three kids..I need to save a family…maybe I deserve it so I need to be a better wife and so on.
      Once it was done with life for me and mostly my kids was so much better.No more stressed,unhappy mom.Btw I remember that silent treatment also,making you think like you are going nuts.
      I would even write letters to him while we were husband and wife living in the same house with our kids. Explaining how much I was hurting and why.Response?Calling me crazy and laughing about it.That very same day he would come home and wanted to have sex..like nothing happened.
      Save yourself.You will feel like you should.Happy woman .

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  2. I stumbled across this site today. I am so distraught. I am dating a man over 7 years now on and off and the slightest thing I say he ignores me for weeks sometimes months. It took a toll on my health. I struggle to break free from him and do not know why. I keep taking him back. As of yesterday I am again in the ignore zone. Because I told him to stop putting me down. I also told him stop seeing others behind my back as I saw him doing that. I also told him to stop taking so many selfies of himself I mean, he is 55 for crying out loud. I just needed to talk today as i am really lost today

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    1. Well this man wont change and he will keep doing this to you because you are available. You don’t need to put up with this. Try and make your self stronger and leave him. Don’t take him back. You have been with him on and off a long time now. Enough is enough.

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    2. Sera,
      I did it 10 years and I have met women who have done it 30 years, some women manage to break away after just a few years. You are not alone. There are literally millions of people out there, all over the world who are or have gone through exactly what you are going through now.
      There is one thing they all have in common, they don’t think they can leave and stay away. It’s like they are under some sort of spell the N cast on them. There are tons of reasons why the victim feels this way, and I have written many posts on why and how you can retrain your brain. Basically you have been brainwashed, (do a search for posts on brainwashing and retraining your brain, self improvement, self discovery, on this site). We have all asked the same questions, why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t love me? When will he stop hurting me?
      The answer is the same for both questions; because we keep letting him.
      It isn’t fair that we have to end our own abuse, but we do; he won’t stop until we cut him from our life. Totally!
      There are thousands of victims out there who have done it. First you have to figure out what you are dealing with and then you have to figure out how to break away. It’s all here. I suggest to you instead of calling him or checking for texts from him, pacing by the phone. Shut your phone off and educate yourself.
      Comment here if you have questions, someone usually answers.
      I am not around as much any more. I had to start living my life and was feeling like a broken record. I had to start thinking and talking about something other than narcissists. You know? They are actually pretty boring when you see how predictable and alike they all are.
      Read the comments and see how many women have gone through almost exactly what you have gone through.
      We all feel no one could possibly have hurt like we do, or loved as much as we do.
      We all felt helpless to stop it but we are the only ones who CAN stop it.
      You’ve invested 7 years, don’t make it 8.
      You have a happy life waiting for you. Believe me!!
      Hugs Carrie

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    3. Hi-I stumbled upon this sight today, too. I think that the silent treatment must be a common tactic. I am trying to figure out if the man I just broke up with was one of those “subtle” or covert narcissists. If I were to ask a question that offended him he would behave as thought the night was ruined and give me at least a day of the silent treatment.

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      1. CC. The silent treatment alone is not enough to say someone is a narcissist, covert or otherwise. There is a list of about 20 traits, of which they must have most of to be diagnosed as a narcissist.
        The only difference between a covert narcissist and a reg narcissist is the covert is a better actor. They are all basically the same.
        You say you just broke up with him, is this a pattern? Do you break up and get back together regularly? Does he storm out and say it’s over, only to show up a day or so later and act like nothing ever happened?
        Did he sweep you off your feet in the beginning, telling you that you were perfect just the way you were, but now you feel you can’t do anything right and he is always finding fault?
        There is no way I can play arm chair psychiatrist and diagnose someone as being a narcissist through a few comments on a website. But I can tell you this; the number one sign that you are in a toxic relationship is the fact that you are on the internet looking for answers.
        The best dating advice I can give anyone is this; you are not responsible for his behavior. It is not up to you to explain or teach him about common decency or respect, you can not change anyone. You only have control over your actions. No one can abuse you unless you let them. If someone repeatedly treats you with disrespect, it is up to you to walk away.
        My advice to you is to go no contact, complete no contact! And don’t look back, don’t try to remain friends, don’t check his FB, don’t read his texts or take his phone calls.
        You don’t need a label for him to know you are not happy and deserve better.

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        1. He has ended things 4 times, each time saying he “didn’t dump me”. He says he can’t picture anyone else on his pillow, yet he tells me he loves me and won’t leave me alone. He never storms out, but he rages silently, I think.
          I think I am pretty schooled on narcissists because I was with one years ago–for about 5 years. I am not sure if the man I speak of currently is a narcissist or not.
          Very good point about being on the internet looking for answers 🙂

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    4. My N is 50…. Still married by myself of course… with tree children. He rent an apartment in order to be closer to his work. Then he told me for the third time that he wanted a divorce. I said ok let’s do it. He accused me of wanting it!! Since last summer, I’m still waiting for him to file for it. He comes at our home whenever he pleases, because he pays for the bills and everything. He is very generous money wise. He also had a liposuction under his chin , and he will continue to do any cosmetic intervention he wants to! The older he gets, the worst he becomes! He has abused me verbally, rarely physically , cheated on me, lied, threatened me . I pray to God to help me and free my soul and elevate my spirit. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. The only thing that I regret is that I was never loved as a person. I was so disillusioned by him. One minute I was treated like a queen with expensive gifts and lifestyle and within hours he was cursing me. I feel abandoned, unloved and foolish. I laugh and pretend that things are as usual because of the children.

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      1. Evelyne, only you can change your situation. You can’t change him or how he treats you. He will never “do the right thing” and leave you if he doesn’t love you and he will never treat you like you hope to be treated.
        It is totally up to you to find your own happiness. You say he has been generous, obviously that is not enough, and if you stay just for the money you are in essence prostituting yourself and that is fine, as long as you are honest with yourself about it and resolve that within yourself.
        If you think the children aren’t aware or being harmed by your loveless marriage, you are sadly mistaken. If you hope that your children grow up to have happy healthy love relationships what will they use as an example to emulate?
        Children rely on their gut instincts and feelings more than adults and are much more perceptive than many adults realize. Your children know you aren’t happy and daddy doesn’t treat you or the family as he should. There is absolutely no way a person can function in a healthy manner while married to someone as unhealthy as a narcissist. You may think you are, but that only proves how far into denial you are.
        He won’t file for divorce because he has everything he wants, why change anything? He comes and goes as he pleases, treats you like crap, has a family when he wants but lives as a single man between time.
        If you want change, you must make the change.
        Good luck.

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        1. I totally agree with you. It is impossible to function in a healthy way, while being in such a toxic environment. Decisions must be taken, as soon as possible. Thank very much for the input. My Soul resides in Hell. It is time it rises above this ugliness. May God bless us all!

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  3. Maybe some of you can figure this out? My narc and I are in our late 60s,don’t live together.I see him at his house about 3 times a week.He’s abusive in all ways and I wish I had the strength to leave him! My question is After he uses me as an object, which are his words,Why does he leave the room and house and until I leave he won’t come back in his house.He doesn’t wan’t to see me after intimacy is over and doesn’t talk to me.He doesn’t want a girlfriend boyfriend relationship,no sleeping over , no affection love nothing.So why this avoidence after intimacy??

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    1. Sorry to hear this….there must of been something nice before other wise you wouldn’t be with him. I am with one my self and he thinks everything is a joke one day and he is nice the next. He knows what he is doing….Anyway Jane its up to you how you want to live your life….I actually found keeping away is the best for your self…I actually went to my daughters for 10 days, the first few days I cried and cried but after a few days I started thinking what I can for my self…you know we have to look after our selves…..I became stronger could see the light so to speak…..unfortunately I had to come home and he lives next door. We are both nice to each other and everything goes out the window. Everything was nice and then its starts again…This time I had to look to see what I can do for my self….what I came up with is…move away…start a new life…dont let him know where you are and YOU don’t make contact….but this can be hard and one day you will do this….they don’t change….mine is tormenting and jokingly puts you down….not violent so mine is not as bad as your. Doesn’t matter….look after you self…I am 69 and he is 73…..

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    2. Leave him. Don’t even try to rationalize what he says, there’s no rhyme nor reason (title drop!) with narcissists. It’s best to leave him immediately and don’t tell anyone who might be in contact or “friends” with him because they most likely be groomed or have been told lies about you so that they could be his flying monkeys except they don’t know it. Stick to people who doesn’t believe him and those who trust you more. You don’t deserve this treatment.

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  4. Hey guys may I ask if anyone has a narcissistic parents that keeps touching and moving your stuff to places you’ve never place it before? Like for instance, I just left my wallet (it was empty btw, don’t worry) on my desk but when I came back it was on the bed. When I was done doing something, I saw my mom come out of my room when I was walking to my room and was baffled as to how my wallet got on my bed in the first place. This did not happen once, not twice, not even thrice, but more than 10 times, whenever I’m away and I left something, either out of hurry or when I went to grab something quickly, only to find my possession in a obscure and baffling location, like it’s not dramatic enough for it to look like it was moved like from on the table to the bathroom but it look like, basing on the position and its location, it look liked I moved it when I swore I didn’t. My parents has been doing this years and there would be times where they would outright steal my stuff only to return it when I don’t look for it. They steal because they like to provoke me and confuse me, they love my reactions that’s for sure.

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    1. Also forgot to mention that they get a kick out of hurting me in subtle ways by doing the things I said earlier.

      I also want to mention that, one thing I’ve noticed about Narcissists is that, they never usually do things directly, either indirectly by doing it when I’m not around or make someone do it without outright telling them to do it usually by using “dogwhistling” (go search “dogwhistle narcissist”) and telling lies about me so that the person will just fill in the blanks of what the narcissist say and do the “right” thing by avenging me and that protects the narcissist because when you ask the person why they are doing this to you, they would just parrot back what the narcissist said without realizing nor understanding what they just said. They’re too filled with hate and focused on how to make you suffer because of the smear campaign the narcissist did.

      Anyway, I think I went off tangent, what I mean to say other than narcissist not doing suspicious things behind your back is that when they do something, they don’t leave “evidence”. For me, I think emotions are “evidence” like how you can tell someone touch your stuff and it was clear unlike the narcissist, the narcissist instead knows how your brain works and how to replicate on how and where you put it and do it in the most inconspicuous yet when you look at it and start to think, it throws you off, confuse and unnerve you because how on earth did my stuff got on there? It also makes you doubt yourself and try to remember whether you put it there or not.

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  5. Hey, guys just wanna update on something. My mom came over to me and “mistakenly” said about how I shouldn’t fight something but immediately said I should fight my lack of motivation. I know the reason why she said that, I made a post somewhere about how a narcissist works and how their relationship dynamics work and it apparently scared my mother, seeing that she had to come over and “convince” me, which it frinkin’ hilarious! Me? Listening to you after years and years of lying and abuse? Pffftttt… And the fact that she brought up the days where we used to talk back then and asked why I wasn’t doing that anymore (as if, pfftt) and even brought up the days where we went outside (however those days where she got into a narcissistic cult, so not a good memory), saying and trying to convince me that she’s “trustworthy”???

    Narcissists are so godda*n pathetic, I swear.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Also forgot to say what she meant by “fighting something” means to spread information about how narcissists work thus “fighting” them.

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