Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie
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8,449 Replies to “Support Forum”

  1. I feel better now. I took a walk in the morning sunshine and shook off anxiety. I keep having to remind myself that this is the start of a great new life for me. The abuse doesn’t have to hold me back anymore. I’m going to make a commitment to focus only on things that are healthy for me.

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  2. I have spent the last six and a half years with a narc. Today is the day I finally move out. We split a few weeks ago and have carried on living together. In this time the next victim he lined up and lied about has decided that after they slept together 11 days after we split she doesn’t want him. Since then he has professed to still love me, to regret ending things with me and that he wants to fix things. I know it’s the pattern I know that he will keep this up until the next one comes along and do this to me all over again but I love him. All I want to do is stay. This blog has predicted exactly what he will do and has described our relationship perfectly. It has given me strength and helped so much but today nothing is helping. I can read the posts again and again and know they are true but I only want to stay to tell him I love him and we can get through anything. I don’t think I can do the no contact even though I know it’s the best thing to do. I guess I am just struggling a lot today. I feel weak, confused and in so much pain. Everyone in my life just doesn’t get it and are all just telling me what to do and what I should be doing and feeling without actually listening. I guess I just need someone to talk to who understands.

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    1. I’m just 3 weeks out from ending an abusive relationship, but I think you know in your heart what will happen if you stay. All the love in the world, and hoping and wishing, won’t change the fact that he is a manipulative narcissist. I won’t tell you to leave him, but what I do know is people like this don’t change. The longer you stay, the worse the abuse gets. It always escalates over time. I wish I’d left sooner. I left only when my physical health was declining, and my dignity was destroyed. It’s a very hard process, but leaving was worth it for me.

      I wish you all the best. I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I know how painful it is. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

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    1. I lived there for 6 months after filing for divorce but I wasn’t really afraid of physical violence since he was a volunteer sheriff deputy and I was pretty sure he wouldn’t risk losing that excellent supply source. If you’re afraid of violence Carrie has posted excellent advice. Otherwise you begin the process by leaving or kicking him out I would think and immediately go no contact/grey rock. I’d advise against some big dramatic exit if he’s a narc you have nothing to gain looking for “closure” or apology and hopefully you don’t need to talk about money if so you’re still in the planning stage and should straighten that out before you initiate a break up

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      1. Yes, I would recommend getting all your financial info straightened out before ending the relationship. Have copies of relevant financial documents, have a new place to live lined up, and get the support of family and friends for when you move out. There are some useful resources here on the blog.

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    2. Plan, plan oh and did I say plan. For a month I planned and did not mentioned that I discovered that my narc of 30 years had been cheating on me for 20 years. It allowed me to educate myself and organise my finances. It still forgot things but it could have been so much worse. It is hard to do with a broken heart but essential. My narc was so absorbed he did not notice a thing! I must admit that hurt a little. Also no matter what they promise before separation a narc will always fight you once separated, it is an awesome supply to them to see you upset and they must win at all costs. Mine promised that we would definitely have an amicable and 50/50 split. That was 15 months ago and 17k spent on a lawyer and we are still not at court and I just want a 50/50 split. Please google what to do before you break up there is plenty of advice out there. The only regret you will have in the end is that you had not done more to protect yourself. Mine cancelled phones and internet services, threatened to cancel my electricity, stole a large cheque, redrew on a mortgage that I did go to the bank and put a stopper on but got away with it anyway. The N wont transfer vehicle registration and is not paying the mortgage. On and on it goes. Seriously protect yourself and then throw him out, he is broken!

      Cheers

      Nelly

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  3. Today is 22 days no contact. I’m having a hard time today because it’s the anniversary of a major betrayal from my ex. Just really anxious, and I’m feeling as humiliated as I did a year ago. Feels so raw. I want this day to be over.

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    1. Hi Ashley,

      Don’t be cross but WTF. This is not an anniversary. Each day is like any other it is you who decides to put any significance on it. Same goes with wedding anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas. It is just another day on the calendar.

      You feel humiliated!!! Again WTF. It is all his humiliation. He has shown you and the world that he is dishonest, despicable, dickhead. The 3D’s. I confided in a friend recently that I felt some shame that I had not discovered the narc’s cheating earlier but after further thought realised that it was not logical to criticize myself for good qualities such as trust.

      If you have negative thoughts try and turn them around even project them back on your Narc but do not own them unless they are true.

      Good luck

      Nelly

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your reply Nelly. You’re right, the day has no significance unless I give it significance. I ended up having a good night, watched lots of Netflix :), and pampered myself.

        I feel some shame as well, for trusting and having hope he could change. So I’m working on reframing things in my mind and not punishing myself for things that he did. I suffered enough! Sometimes all it takes is saying to myself “he’s an abusive piece of garbage,” and it honestly helps.

        23 days out now. I have some rough moments, but overall I’m feeling a little better each day.

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        1. Spot on nelly! It’s not a day to keep on your calendar for sure!! Unless you mark it as the first time this day came and went and I was just fine thank you very much 😉

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Hello ladies. Just a heads up, so I’ve been out for a week now. It doesnt necessarily hurt as much as I thought it would, but I have a deep anger which is a feeling i dont normally get. I’m fine with no contact as its been virutally 2 months, but it hurts that he moved on so fast as though I never existed.

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    1. The anger is normal, even for people who aren’t usually angry. It’s a normal reaction to being mistreated, and I read that anger can actually help in recovering and developing boundaries in the future.

      It is really hurtful that they act like you never existed. I feel like I was forgotten too, as if I meant nothing to him. I’m hoping I will stop caring about that soon.

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    2. James, congrats on one week out!! That is awesome!! See? You were able to do it! Look at you being all strong and stuff!
      He can move on like you never existed because to him; you never existed.
      To a narcissist victims are interchangeable. They just exchange one for the next because other people are not people to them, they are possessions, servants, a way of getting what they want and need. They have no more feelings for the victim than they do a piece of furniture. He acts like he doesn’t care because he doesn’t care, never cared, can’t care, and never will care about anyone. He is incapable of caring. It is like insisting or expecting a blind person see. Not possible. It would be insane to keep expecting a blind person to just see one day and be a horrible disappointment every single day. Imagine if you were with a blind person and every morning you asked them, “Can you see today?” “I am going to rearrange the furniture so u will be forced to see.”
      Even if they wanted to, nothing you could do would ever make them see. It wouldn’t matter how much you loved them, begged or wished just like the narc. Time to accept the facts and stop dwelling on what you wish to have happen.
      High 5 on a week away. Proud of ya!!

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    1. In my experience, it doesn’t go well. They tend to be very defensive and get angry when confronted. Even slight criticism is perceived as a major insult to their ego. So it can go a few ways, they blow up into a rage and tell you that you’re wrong, or they project the blame back on you to get the spotlight off themselves.

      Sometimes, a narcissist will discard you if you confront them or point out that they are doing something wrong/hurtful, so that’s something to keep in mind. They could also try to get revenge on you. It’s hard to say exactly how they will respond, but generally they are not reasonable when it comes to being confronted.

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    2. Lamb Jake, to confront a narcissist is futile. They will deny deny deny, blame you for everything and turn things around so you end up apologizing. You will walk away confused and feeling like somehow it is all your fault.
      Do yourself a favor and pack your bags. Run! Don’t walk as fast as you can

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I want to thank you all for the comments on my previous post.I did end up moving out and am in the process of sorting money out. He did not like that I had left at all. I know it’s because he had no idea I was leaving so it shocked him that he didn’t have as much control as he thought. Going no contact hasn’t really worked I found it difficult and I went to see him on Monday. One thing led to another and he’s sucked me back in. He now says he loves me and he wants to try again and a HUGE part of me wants to, but I know it will be even worse if I do go back. I’m already feeling like I have to watch what I say and how I say it. I just don’t feel like I can walk away completely even knowing what he is and knowing how bad it was. I felt fine about everything and went to see him while I was feeling strong, I felt great afterward but I’ve woken up today feeling the same anxiety and dread I felt when I found out he was cheating and through all his lies and gaslighting. I’m back to not being able to eat again and being sick and all I want to do is go to him, the man who has made me feel like this. It can’t ever work out again can it?

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    1. Kat, I understand what you’re going through because I went through the same. I would leave, he would suck me back in, I would feel relieved for a short time, and then the abuse would start up again very quickly. The “honeymoon” stage was always short-lived. They simply don’t change, they will just say whatever you want to hear to make you stay. All empty promises.

      I wish it was different, but from my experience – and all the others I’ve read about – they always go back to their abusive ways. It sounds like you have a trauma bond to him, where even though he hurts you, you want him to soothe the pain that he himself caused. You keep hoping things might somehow improve and be how they were in the beginning, even though what you usually get is lies and gaslighting. It’s normal to feel anxious and sick in a situation like this. That’s a normal reaction to a toxic situation.

      Try to be gentle with yourself. I know this is difficult and confusing, but you should take care of yourself. Eventually, I do hope you leave him for good, because I believe you deserve better. You have the strength to do it even if you don’t see it right now. But in the meantime, try to focus on your own self-care.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Sadly some of us have to get knocked in the head pretty hard with a clue bat for it to finally sink in, it took me 22 years to really truly leave. Little pieces were leaving during the process with the added effect of my gradually becoming rotten supply which I only see now in hindsight. You have a good advantage here of already knowing what you’re dealing with and you will know when you’re absolutely done. So just keep working on building yourself up no matter what he does or doesn’t do and learn to get used to setting healthy boundaries. You’ve got to ask yourself if he’s really the person you want to grow old with and if he adds to your fulfillment in life and if that’s a no at least you know your goal is to break free so you can find the one who is

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My life, I agree to everything you said except the goal shouldn’t be to leave so you can find someone to spend your life with. The goal should be to get to the point where you value yourself so much you would rather spend your life alone than share it with someone who doesn’t value you.
        There is no more freeing feeling than to be so content with your life and yourself that you don’t want to have to share it with just anyone. To be quite happy living life on your terms.

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        1. I absolutely agree that the goal is not just anyone! But for me at least I do not intend to let the narc take away my dream of having a partner and romantic love in my life. I’m choosing wisely and don’t need a relationship but I refuse to let any fear of intimacy take hold in me. I understand why codependent people should not date until they address that mortal flaw but I believe that with a worthy partner and the right outlook, life after narcissistic abuse will be very sweet indeed. I for one am not afraid to love again especially now that I’ve learned to love and respect myself.

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          1. Mylife, I certainly still believe in romance and true love, maybe more than ever. I just meant it shouldn’t be the main goal in anyone’s life.
            I certainly would be open to romance but I don’t actively look for it. I am not saying it is wrong to look for it either!!
            I have had wonderful relationships with men in my life, and didn’t meet the N until I was in my 40”s. I am thankful I have had normal loving relationships in my life because I know it is possible.
            I do wish I wouldn’t have made men a priority in my life even before meeting the N. I wasted far too many years worrying about a man, getting a man, being attractive to a man, keeping a man, etc. That’s just me though.

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    3. Kat, that sick feeling is your gut telling you that going back is not the right thing to do. Your mind is telling you that you need to go back in order to be happy. It only knows what you put in it and for however long you have been focused on the N for your happiness so your mind is stuck on thinking he holds the answer to your happiness. The sick feeling is your natural instincts telling you that you will only be hurt again.
      After a while with the N our natural instincts and logical, rational thought processes get all screwed up. We have been told that we didn’t hear or see things we know we did. We are told what we know is wrong is actually right and the sky is green we are just crazy and not seeing it on the right way.
      If we stood on our head we would see the world as we should.
      You can’t believe your brain right now. Throughout your comment you would say one thing and then answer it with logic. You know you shouldn’t go back and it will just end up with you being more abused. You will give away more of yourself and lose more self respect. It is not too late to back out of it. It is not too late to go no contact again. Just keep getting back on that horse!
      I knew when I went back to my ex the last time that he would never change but once no contact had been broken and I started thinking about going back I just gave up the fight. It was easier than trying to be strong and I wanted the fantasy so badly.
      I wish to God I would have listened to my gut. I lost so much more when I went back. I would have been so much better off if I had stuck to my guns and not gone back.
      Please. Listen to your gut not your mind.

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      1. Thanks Carrie. This forum has been very helpful to me through this process.

        I still have a lot of anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and trouble sleeping, but it’s getting easier. I feel like I’m detoxing, it takes time…so I’m trying to be patient with myself.

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  6. Hello everyone. I’ve been doing well. Been out for over a week and I’m feeling better. Not going to lie, but some days it is hard to reconcile the fact that I cared so much for him and he cut me off and acts like i never existed. I menteioned a few weeks ago that he had a friend over that he used to sleep with and they stopped talking and how rude he was when I tried to talk to the guy. Turns out he moved that guy in. Felt like a dagger. I only knew because his flying monkeys would keep me posted on his activities. Blocked them all. I stopped participating on here for awhile because reading all of the stories and constantly reliving my story was keeping me in that place of dwelling on it. I took a break. Now Im back and ready to interact with my “sisters” in the struggle.

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    1. James, please; do not feel obligated to keep coming back if you feel it holds you back from healing. I have had so many different people come through these “doors” and move on when they are ready. That is the whole idea of this blog. Not to keep people stuck but to help them move on.
      I most definitely love to hear from people and to know how people are doing. There are some blogs where the same people are there year after year. They have left the narcissist but stay the victim, forever rehashing the pain, which keeps them attached to the narcissist in some way.
      I am sure everyone here feels as I do. We want you to be happy!
      And high 5 on blocking all the flying monkeys!! Way to go!!

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    2. I understand the need to step away. I’m glad you’ve been doing well, and I think you definitely made the right decision in blocking the flying monkeys. I hope you have a great start to the new year.

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  7. Hi all…It’s been a while since i looked this site up for advice, but here i am. Never thought i’d have to actually ask a question on it. My Narc and i have been separated for almost 4 years. We own a home together still because he wouldn’t sign it over to me when i had money coming in, i have since lost my job and am on unemployment. We’ve had 3 mortgage extensions since separating. The first two times i needed the documents signed he gave me a hard time then signed them and walked away. This third time is different. He gave me the usual hard time, then he let me know that he’d driven past the house that week and said he would have stopped and looked around but i was home at the time, he’s not been back to this house since the day he left. He has also been very helpful in getting the house insurance lowered so i can better afford it. He also told me how he is 95% responsible for the end of our marriage. None of this behaviour is the norm…I had to fight to get him to do the smallest things while we were together!!! He moved right in with someone the day after we split and is still living with her..Should this kind of situation be something i should be concerned about?

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    1. Honestly, my guess is that things are going sideways with the woman he lives with, so he’s testing the waters with you. A classic “recycling the exes” move. I would be cautious and not show any emotional response to anything he says. If he was manipulative in the past, then he is probably still manipulative now. Just continue protecting yourself as you have been and don’t let him get a foothold.

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