Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie
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8,578 Replies to “Support Forum”

  1. Done with his games.He was told many times to leave us alone…kids and I.Court issued an order which clearly states no contact when it comes to kids,young adults that is.We do no contact of course but when it comes to email,it is important to keep the same because of work..kids school..etc.Why should we need to change our lives upside down because someone has no bounderies.So,maybe he will have to listen to law.I shall not be pushed by some narc and will not allow for him to continue to do it to our kids.Btw,he continues even after the Court order…so time to have it enforced.

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  2. Just to clarify and hopefully it will help some who are unfortunately new to this “game” that narc loves to play.Emails..from ..Oh come on and remember kids we made and all that love..have a heart. to…when no response and the very same day….I am so ready to date again,woman love me and I think I shall get Viagra so I can “help” them all.Btw,that email he sent kids as well.Another one..to kids..You guys need to leave mom..I can give you this and that.Basically sick games.So..this is a guy who will do anything and everything to get you..charming as hell when he wants to be,the minute you don’t play by his rules,turns vicious,mean, abusive in every possible way.When you end it,will do everything to make you change your mind..every possible trick.When that does not work..will turn to ugly..his true face.That is why at least in my case..only law works.Because he is deep down a coward and only will listen to that.

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  3. I have been involved with two narcissists, one overt and one covert. After the first one i googled narcissist and managed to make sense of it. The second time round was so different. It was ages before i realised he was a covert narcissist. I read so much stuff…..aspergers/highly sensitive people/difficult people etc. Then i came across covert and it was like reading about him, it suddenly all made sense. This time round it is so much worse, he came across as all vulnerable and needy and i fell for him big time. The devalue when it came was a shock, it was so cruel and i couldn’t believe it was the same person. The person i thought of as sensitive and vulnerable was infact so cold and capable of some bizarre behaviour. He humiliated me and i managed to humiliate myself so many times yet i still find it difficult to not want to be with him. I went no contact for 4 months and broke that. I now feel so stupid as all that work i did seems to be for nothing. I need to go NC again and sort myself out and i will. I guess it will just take time and i need to give myself that time to heal.

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    1. Alison, it is not easy! it definitely took me longer than 4 months. I hate to say how long it took me because I don’t want people to get discouraged because everyone is different. The problem is not breaking no contact, it is not getting back on that horse immediately when you do. So many times a victim is feeling so guilty and stupid for falling for his BS again that they stay longer than they should in hopes this time things will be different. They beat themselves up because they weakened so then they feel shitty about themselves and believe what the narcissist is telling them.
      If you fall off the “no contact wagon” it doesn’t help anyone to bat yourself up, just accept that you screwed up and try again. Sure it is like starting all over but you are further ahead whether you realize it or not. This time you know what you are dealing with and next time you will be smarter. You won’t want to come back to this dark place. Sometimes we need to keep testing the waters to make sure they are what we think they are. I finally just got sick of feeling lousy and I felt lousy every time he was in my life.
      You won’t heal until you are no contact for a long period of time, like a couple of years!! Well, you are never “safe” to have contact, ever, evder!!
      Get back on that no contact wagon and hang on tight!! Hugs

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      1. Hi all,

        I haven’t responded in months but I have been reading Carrie’s blog and the support forum. I ended up moving back to where I grew up …not sure if it was the best decision for me but I had no choice. I was in a marriage with a psychopathic narcissist for 8 years and was set free in 2014. The nightmare never ends with him. He has completely destroyed my relationship with my 11 year old and will work on my two youngest children until they turn 12. I have residential custody but on their visits with Dad, he lies about me, belittles me, tells the kids I do drugs, lie and steal CRAZY stuff just so he can convince them to live with him when they turn 12. He calls them maybe once every 2 weeks or so and when he does talk to them it’s all about him. Currently, he is interested in someone from Russia so now he is all into everything Russian. The woman he left me for back in 2014, who paid for his divorce btw, left him Christmas 2017. On Christmas Day, he called my kids and said this woman “Stepmom” was hit by a train and had a brain injury. She couldn’t remember him or the kids. ( You cannot even make this stuff up). The kids were close to her and I think she was fairly decent to them and were upset, naturally. For one minute just one though, I actually believed his story but then further research proved that he lied. She dumped him. My daughter was especially close to her and knew where she worked. She wanted to make sure she was ok. We allowed her to call her work and was told that they didn’t know she had been in an accident and was still working. CRAZY!!!!!! My daughter eventually asked her Dad about this and he said he was trying to “protect” them as he knew they would be hurt by her leaving him.
        I sit her today with one of my children who believes everything this man says and am just so overwhelmed with grief. I have to send my kids, in 3 weeks, to this man and his sick mother (who lives with him=full time nanny) and let them be brainwashed about what a horrible person I am. I have been a single mother for 4 years, and thanks to my Heavenly Father, have financially been able to care for them and myself independently for that entire time. I am just spent today. My daughter is just awful to me. She says the most horrible things to me and puts her father on a pedestal. I have tried to keep quiet about my feelings towards her Dad but am now starting to be honest about his abuses.
        I can say that I am so much more aware of who he is and truly have absolutely no feelings towards, well I do have feelings but that aren’t good, and I am completely WOKE to him! That is a very good thing. I just feel so sad that I gave my child bearing years to this man and perhaps feel very sorry for myself that I am raising children all on my own. My children, unfortunately, have inherited some of his disorders so I am dealing with those disabilities as well. I will never give up and am devoted to raising my children in a loving home. I am just worn out and really tired of doing it all….being a Mom (cleaning, cooking, disciplining, homework etc), taking care of a house, all the financial responsibilities, medical (he pays nothing!), all the running around, never have the money or help to have an hour or two “off”, just exhausted. Then that yahoo gets to have NO responsibilities for 9 months out of the year, has a live in nanny when they visit him and then tries to destroy my relationship with my kids. Can I say living nightmare? Silver lining though, I have had the courts force him to pay child support and started that about 7 months ago…he currently owes me $25,000 in back child support….not including 4 years worth of medical.
        I moved back home so now I have to see a lot, not all, my friends with their spouses and intact families. I feel judged and alone. My one sister has been married since she was 17, has a great husband and kids, has a lot of money and I am like When is it my turn? I am not perfect, by any means, but I am a really good person. I would call myself an empath and am really good to people…just my nature. Just don’t understand the relentless storms I face. (pity party maybe :)?)
        I can say that I that I have had no contact with their dad and I never will. I don’t email, got rid of my cellphones cannot afford anyway-no texting, no telephoning and only send certified mail of the medical bills he refuses to pay. I don’t google him and the sound of his voice his voice physically makes me ill. I hate when his mother and him call. They are bad people! So while I do not like being a single parent, it IS better than being with a crazy person. It’s hard having kids with him as their father…it truly is. Not sure if I will make it through but today I am going to try and get stuff done.
        I “heart” survivors of narcissistic/emotional abuse!

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  4. I would like to hear some more stories from men. I was discarded (20 year marriage) out of the blue, no argument/s nothing just bang it’s over. Totally shocked me and my kids. Although she is a female Narc all the traits are the same. This has been the most disturbing thing that has happened to me, she has literally changed into someone else! I looked at her one day and told her I do not recognise you (weird I know) but it really was not her. She has lied and when I caught her out in those lies I got the Narc rage again never seen that before! Reading books on Narcs has been huge for me, you have to do this as you need to make sense of what has happened because it does not make any sense!!! At times I still can’t believe it but is is nearly a year now and believe me it does get easier, this is a completely different scenario to a “Normal” breakup, you realise you have been used and abused and now you are no longer needed you can GO! And they will show no remorse whatsoever. I know it is hard but you should be grateful I know I am that it is over and down the line you will work this out and you will feel joy when your true self comes back to you, trust me it does and it feels amazing. KEEP STRONG NO CONTACT!!!!

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  5. Wow today was rough. He’s been trying to get me to see him. Saying all the nice things , promised me he was no longer seeing anyone. Wants to be with me. Can’t wait to see me.misses me. Blah blah blah. I said no and ignored his texts all day. (Normally I would of given in). I was curious , – maybe he did break up with that girl- I looked on his FB. Big mistake. He JUST updated his profile picture to a sexy, happy looking photo of them two. Writing “so thankful and blessed to have you”. Of course people are commenting how perfect they are. I felt literally sick after I saw all that. In a way, I think he did that as punishment to me since I set a boundary and told him no. He NEVER had pictures of us on Facebook. Now she is everywhere. It sucks. Hurts like hell.

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    1. Dara, that’s why no contact is so crucial to healing and getting over them. Been there done that!
      Same thing, he never put pics of me and him on Facebook but plastered pics of her and him and how she is perfect for him.
      He set you up. He feeds off your pain.
      Mine showed up professing his undying love so I checked his FB and he had gotten engaged 8 days before.
      They are evil toxic soul vampires. That is why they are narcissists. Normal people don’t do shit like that.
      By continuing to read his messages and respond in any way you are feeding the monster. Saying no, and ignoring his texts is not true no contact because he still knows you are reading his messages and he is still getting to you.
      No contact is not to punish him. It is to protect yourself from the pain he loves to inflict.

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      1. Thank you for the reply. I keep trying to tell myself that Facebook pics are just an illusion and not reality. It’s stings when they seem to have found a perfect relationship because then it must mean it was me all along I know that’s what he wants me to believe. It’s hard because for 3 years I’ve known him I never have seen a photo of him with another women. He never was on FB much. Different story now. She actually lives 600 mikes away from him so she has no idea how he really is. I must go no contact for my sanity. Thanks again

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  6. Hello,

    I need some advice. I am in an abusive relationship but I think I am the abuser.

    I’ll start from the beginning and try to be as honest as possible. I used to be in a relationship with either a narc, or someone who acted like one. He cheated, lied, created triangulation scenarios with other girls all the time, asked for an open relationship, criticised me, never validated my pain about what he was doing, belittled me, and left me regularly for other women, only to return. He cheated so much that I had stopped caring at this point, and I cheated too – I acted single. I was in pain and in a completely self-destructive spiral.

    When he finally left, I launched myself into another relationship 2 months later. Completely the wrong things to do, but did it anyway.
    I believed I had found someone healthy and was going to heal and return to a healthy state. But I think I became the abuser. Early on I carried on cheating as I had done with my ex, and kept contacting my ex narc begging him back, which had become the norm. My new partner lived in another town, and I compartmentalised my dark self, that cheated, and wanted my ex narc, and the new relationship we started, which felt good and pure.
    Inevitably 2 months in my new partner found messages from me begging my ex back. He broke, and broke up with me, but after intense begging and apologising from me, gave me another chance.
    But I carried on cheating, almost totally unaware of the harm I was doing. As the relationship progressed and I grew more attached to my new partner, I started doing it less and started feeling guilt – I was starting to come out the fog of my previous abuse and realising how I was behaving. But I didn’t stop completely.
    One night when I was out with a colleague, he kissed me and although I thought of my boyfriend and didn’t particularly want to, I went with it. He came back to mine, and at that point, my partner called. He was already anxious and the trust had been broken by him finding my messages to my ex, so he’d started being a little controlling (understandably, whether healthy or not). He heard my colleague’s voice. I denied it instantly – the alcohol and my fear of losing him led to that. He then kept calling but I didn’t reply and although I didn’t sleep with my colleague, I ignored him and went to sleep. The next day I felt overwhelming guilt and although my partner wouldn’t speak to me, I couldn’t bring myself to admit my colleague had been there for another 12 hours. But I never told him I’d kissed him. My partner was convinced I’d slept with a stranger.
    Then a cycle broke out of my new partner becoming more and more controlling, and I ended up lying in situations where I hadn’t done anything wrong – like staying out late with my friends. But sometimes I still cheated.
    My partner became verbally abusive, calling me a slut, a worthless piece of shit etc, and because I knew I’d driven him to it (Despite it not being acceptable), I took it. It got worse, and I retaliated (although I didn’t say degrading things).
    I stopped cheating almost completely (I kissed someone once or twice in a few months when drunk) – my issue was when drunk, I lost control. He pushed me to stop drinking completely, and he pressured me to cut out one of my friends he believed was a bad influence (She wasn’t, I just went out with her) – he pressured me by ultimatum; I did it or it was the end. Because I am codependent, I coudn’t bear the thought of ending the relationship, and even when he tried to do it for the right reasons (ie this is an unhealthy abusive relationship), I just couldn’t deal with it and begged him back intensely. So I compromised hugely on my freedom.
    During this whole time, I was the one who made all the efforts in the relationship, in terms of coming to his town every weekend, in terms of trying to resolve our issues – it was always me who put the effort in. He didn’t respond constructively to any discussions, and would just start yelling when he was annoyed, so that I felt scared of him in terms of anticipating high stress. He broke up with me regularly (weekly at one point) when he would get angry, and that was the worst thing for me (I am most definitely codependent).
    He also “messed up” a few times – he was inappropriate with one of my friends (That he had something with in the past), and he lied a couple times (e.g. his daughter’s mother gave him a lift to work as she was passing, but he said he was getting the bus; unnecessary as I know he is in contact with her and have no problem with it. Another lie was when another ex deleted him from facebook and I asked why, and he messaged her; but because she didn’t reply, he called her but lied to me about it, saying he was talking to his dad).
    Recently (after a weekend of him being verbally abusive), we went out and then argued – I was so blind drunk (alcohol has become an issue as I’m so unhappy, I don’t stop when I start) I don’t remember what about – and I ended up abandoning him to meet my friend, and he eventually found me and saw me flirting with someone. I then refused to go make things up with him, because I wanted some respise from all the verbal abuse.
    This was a week ago, and he has been broken up with me since. He has just called me to make me admit things I lied about in the past, and I admitted that I lied a few months ago: I borrowed someone’s phone to call him, and said it was a barman, but it was a man I’d slept with in the past. Worst thing is, nothing happened at all, but I was too scared to tell him the truth.

    Based on all this, I am convinced I must be a narcissist with a disorder, or at least an abuser.

    Please could you provide me with honest feedback. I am fully aware that I need to work on myself and be single, and I have been seeing a counsellor for a few months now, which will help hopefully. I will accept his decision to leave me, but I would like some advice on my guilt.
    I feel terrible (borderline suicidal sometimes) on the pain I caused him. I have gaslighted him, and lied to him, and cheated on him – I think I have destroyed him. Please could you give me advice on:
    1. Why can’t I stop lying? How do I stop?
    2. Am I a narcissist/abuser? Am I a bad person? What’s wrong with me to be like this? What is broken in me?
    3. Am I being manipulative now by acting like a victim? I feel that my remorse is genuine, but am I too broken to realise that it’s not?
    3. How do I come to terms with the pain I have caused someone I think I love (because can I love him if I did all this?) – the guilt at thinking how much pain he is in is sending me under
    4. Can I ever forgive myself? I think this is unforgivable and that I don’t deserve any relief.

    Please give me honest, brutal advice – please don’t be nice to me, because I don’t deserve it. Please tell it like it is, please tell it like you would talk about any other abuser.

    I’m sorry for this offload. Appreciate any responses.

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    1. Jessica,
      OK. You asked for brutal honesty and I am going to give it to you. I am all about saying it like it is!
      For one thing; the main characteristic of a narcissist is lack of a conscience, thus no guilt, no remorse, plus they don’t ever feel they are wrong or need help. So… I highly doubt you are a narcissist.
      The guilt you feel because you think you “broke” this guy. Ok, I don’t want to make light of his pain, what you did was pretty shitty but he is a big boy and he choose to keep going back. It was unhealthy; yes but I highly doubt you broke him.
      What you need to do now, for yourself and for him, is to just stop. It’s time to let both relationships go and go no contact with both men and NOT get involved with anyone until you sort yourself out.
      As you said yourself, you got involved far too quickly after the breakup with the Narc. You didn’t go no contact which in my opinion means you didn’t even start to heal. I strongly believe healing does not even begin until the victim goes no contact. You were still trying to get him back, a new relationship didn’t have a hope in hell of even getting off the ground.
      Personally, I never take someone being drunk as an excuse for their bad behavior, the behavior comes from somewhere. The drinking comes from somewhere. Find out what is causing the behavior and it will stop and that is what your therapist is there for. People over drink because they aren’t happy deep down, only you know what is eating away at you deep down. Figure it out and you will see a lot of your self inflicted problems disappear.
      It’s not that you don’t know the things you do are wrong and that is where addictions come from, if you aren’t happy with yourself you tend to carry on the negative behavior. The guilt drives a person to do things that make them feel worse. We are our own worse enemy. We are way harder on ourselves than anyone else. Our self talk is horrible! We would never think to talk to anyone else the way we talk to ourselves. We beat ourselves up all the time, that’s why it’s so easy for the narc to make us feel shitty about ourselves; he isn’t saying anything we haven’t already said to ourselves.
      Guilt, in itself is a very destructive and useless emotion unless it motivates change. I give myself shit for feeling guilty all the time and I am getting SO much better at not dwelling on my screw ups.
      Don’t feel guilty; DO something about it! Action speaks louder than words. If you feel so damned bad about your behavior; change your behavior!
      You are the person you choose to be, we all have total control over our actions and we all have the ability to change who we are anytime we want to. A narcissist does not have that ability because they don’t think they need to change.
      When I left my ex narc I felt guilty over things I had done, I could see where I had screwed up. God, I can bring up the guilt over so many things I could commit suicide too if I wanted to dwell on it. Mistakes I made parenting, as a dog owner, decisions I made financially, the list could be endless!! But what good would it do? Guilt would not make me a better person or fix what I did wrong. Guilt prevents me from being the best me that I can be.
      I was so broken after leaving my ex and so riddled with guilt I decided there was nothing I could do about the past; no matter who was at fault, nothing could change it now and all I could do; the ONLY thing within MY power and control was how I dealt with the future.
      I made the conscious decision to live true to my core self and to this day I do NOTHING I am not at peace with at a core level.
      Realistically I know, as you do (I can tell you are an intelligent woman who has the capability to think rationally and logically) that I don’t like everyone and everyone is not going to like me. When you live your life trying to please others and for the approval of others you are not living true to yourself and not everyone is going to like you. It is a lot less work and ALOT less guilt inducing to live honestly and true to your core values.
      There is nothing wrong with having sex with numerous men as long as you are honest. Nothing wrong with not committing to a relationship as long as you are honest. It’s the lying that makes you feel guilty. Why did you lie? Because you thought you needed a man in order to have value and you wanted the new guy to like you. But it all blew up in your face. Wouldn’t it have been so much easier to just be honest right from the start?
      When the first guy cheated your core self said, “I deserve better and I should walk away.” But you didn’t listen because you felt you needed him, your ego wanted him to want you. For whatever reason your self worth was tied up in his approval.
      You need to keep telling yourself you did the best you could at that time, it does not define you forever, you can change from this day forward. If you slip you don’t beat yourself up, you start again. Learn from your mistakes and move forward.
      Do you like feeling guilty? No, of course not; so stop doing things that are going to make you feel guilty, then you won’t need to beg forgiveness, won’t need to drown the bad feelings and you can be proud of the person you are and the decisions you make. You will stop needing a man to tell you that you are a good person.
      I don’t tolerate bullshit from anyone any more. My mother used to keep “secrets” (don’t tell your brother…but….) I don’t keep secrets any more, not for my mother, not for anyone. (Unless in very special cases where the truth would really hurt someone else.) My son calls me for “words of reason” when he is upset about something because he knows I will be honest and not just tell him what he wants to hear. If I think he is out of line or over reacting I will tell him as kindly as I can. My mother has stopped telling me secrets because I have busted her so many times and she didn’t like feeling uncomfortable when she had to face the truth.
      I am honest about who I am. Fuck nor everyone is going to like me, but I never feel guilty any more because I don’t do anything I am not 100 % ok with.
      Sometimes people want an answer right now and I don’t know how I feel about something and will tell them I have to digest the info and get back to you. If they push me I don’t give in. I am not doing anything I am not 100% comfortable with.
      It has taken me years to get comfortable with doing that but it has gotten easier over time and now is just the way I operate.
      You can do it too. But you have to fight that need you think you have to for the approval of others.
      Leave the past behind you. Have the self respect to stop calling your ex’s. It’s done. It’s over. Walk away. You can’t fix it and shouldn’t fix it. Do what you have control over and that is your actions in the future, starting today.
      Any questions??
      You can take this opportunity to become the wonderful person you are meant to be, not what you have been told about yourself, not your past, but your core self. Listen to what your instincts and gut are saying to you and you simply can not go wrong.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  7. Carrie, everything you said makes so much sense to me, I feel soothed by it! Everything you say resonates so much with me, it’s like you know me inside out. I am in a murky mindstate right now, but I will read and re-read your answer when I am in the right mental state, and will start to work towards that. I am accepting I won’t try to fix my relationship anymore, it is pointless and destructive. I will work on my guilt, and keep working with my counsellor to find my true self and have the courage to live by it. That even includes having the courage to stand up to my mother’s ideals – you mentioned your mother – and people who love you, but may not always know what is best for you. Thank you so much for your reply, and what you do here – you help a lot of people and that’s truly commendable.

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    1. Jessica, I thought I had replied to this comment yesterday. You say your mind state is murky. It is so easy to slip into old unhealthy thought patterns. We can control what we think about but at times we feel we can’t and we end up obsessing again.
      While trying to figure out why even though my logical mind knew I was not wrong or making things up, I still felt so guilty and like I needed his approval. I would literally have panic attacks at the thought of never speaking to him again. If I could even have a 5 minute conversation a day I would be OK. It was like a drug to me.
      I used to think I had no control over it and it must mean I loved him.
      What I learned was, in a way we are brainwashed. There are pathways in the brain, the more we think about something the deeper the pathway and the more automatic it is for our brain to go to that thought. Certain things trigger our brain to take that pathway. So even if we know logically that it is a lie and he never loved us, our brain doesn’t accept it because the pathway is so deep to the loving feelings and the guilt feelings. Because he always blamed us for everything wrong in the relationship, guilt became our “go to” emotion.
      We have to retrain our brain and that takes a lot of effort.
      I found that it really helped me if I printed and photo copied any information I found that resonated with me and made me feel more empowered and clear headed. I would put copies every where I might be, the car, my desk, on the bathroom mirror, so when those unhealthy thoughts consumed me I could just look up and read something that made sense and changed my thought patterns.
      If we don’t have something handy and wait too long we get consumed to the point we don’t even try to change our thoughts. Our own brain beats us down. So as soon as I caught my brain believing the lies again I would read my empowering words from where ever. As a found new articles I switched them out.
      Eventually you won’t need that one any more because your brain has been retrained.
      I also used to keep a list of all the shitty things he did to reread when I felt weak.
      Hang in there. It gets easier! Hugs

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  8. Hi there – I am in the process of having my alcoholic narcissist leave. We are not married. Being dismissed in my own house, ignored, cut downs, etc. Too much! The final straw is he told me now he is not sure if he loves me or not. I asked him WHY he is with me – name ONE good thing about me – could not. Escalated into a super heated argument, and I did the ugly cry for a few hours. Well now I want him gone, and guess what? (Insert “no surprise” here) – he is being super nice, rewriting history about him wanting to leave, etc. I have been really strong, but I can feel a little “caving” in my heart right now. I need some straight up in-my-face old-fashioned Narc lesson 101 about hovering and what is doing. I know he has to go to a hotel to live ( a flea bag, gross one) and I am trying not to let that sway me at all. He drinks about 15 beers a night (but he does have a job, so he pays for it himself). Any thoughts appreciated! THANK YOU!

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  9. Hello Group, in two weeks it will be two years since ,in the middle of the night, I was thrown around my living room like a rag doll. He blamed me for that night. It took me a year to finally say goodbye and leave that relationship for good. Shortly after that relationship had ended, I found myself in a relationship with, yet, another lying, cheating, manipulative user. That relationship cycled through and only lasted 7 months.
    I have been single now for seven months. It has been only within the past three months, that I have really started to heal. When I say ‘heal’, I’m not just talking about getting over the men that hurt me, I’m also saying growing stronger in the views I have for myself, loving my single life, being on my own and having my alone time, I have gained the freedom of living a life without the NOISE and crazy making that these men had been allowed to make.
    I no longer check my phone 40 times an hour to see if they texted. I do not feel the need to impress or get validation from anyone except from myself. I go to the grocery store and take my time, because I know I won’t get accused of cheating when I get home. I dress up for myself, without being accused of trying to impress the opposite sex. I eat what I want, watch what I want to watch on my television in my living room, in my house without the fear of someone starting drama. I don’t obsess over them anymore. (Having the freedom of a clear mind is priceless)
    I’m not going to try and paint you a picture that is all sunshiny and roses. I do still have those moments where I don’t know if I want to cry, puke or try to catch my breath. I have moments of shear anger and want the answer as to why they did this to me. But those moments are only brief and come very seldom.
    I’m proof that there is hope. For anyone that is struggling to leave someone that is abusive, your life will only get better when you get away from the abuse. At first, it’s gonna hurt like hell, and you may want to go back, BUT DON’T. Let that scab heal. Go through the emotional hurt.
    Let that hurt make you lead you to a better life, the life you deserve.
    With being away from these men, I have quit drinking alcohol for over four months. I have grown so much closer to my daugther. I have excelled at my career. And I now have a better understanding of trusting my judgements of whom I let into my world.
    This is the happiest and calmest I have been in a very long time.
    The only thing I have regrets about, is why the hell didn’t I make this shift in my life sooner!

    Please stay safe and find your happiness! Much love and much peace.

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  10. It’s been no contact since early February. I know that’s not a long time, but it’s something. It was easier than I thought it would be as I was able to allow myself to finally hate him. Then, 2 weeks ago, I was out with some friends, feeling good that I was finally going back out with friends. Then…he came walking in with his friends. We made eye contact and then he went his way and I continued with my friends.

    Like clockwork, I was depressed and angry all over again. It was like god was playing a joke on me. I have spent the last week railing at my friends for confronting the abuser and getting me removed from the situation. I just feel like they took my choice to leave away. I know I sound crazy being upset with them for getting me removed from an abusive household, but I wanted to stay. I know I shouldn’t have, but I wanted to stay and am so angry with them…and not the abuser. I fear my head may have been permanently damaged by that man as I still feel like I’m nothing without him. I don’t know why I can’t see that being removed from him was a blessing. I feel like a cult member that was “rescued” from a cult and only wants to go back.

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    1. First of all ,been there and unfortunately done that.Abuse in any way shape or form is never right ,better yet there is absolutely no excuse for it.
      Narc”s does not like to loose and is a wonderful manipulator.They can be so charming and loving and then they turn in to something you probably know what and make you feel like it was your fault..
      More times you believe that ..more your mind goes nuts because they never change.They are not capable to change.I have done some great deal to so call “study” that and it is what it is.
      Please focus on you and remember you deserve better.ÑO contact.
      You will feel like a new you again if you stay strong and trust me that comes from me who lived through it.
      Hugs and watch some nice movie.

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    2. Dear Blaspie
      Congratulations on leaving and no contact keep it up ,,, it will get better trust me ( 1 1/2 yrs ) , I am afraid some friends can not wrap there heads around this kind of abuse ,,, but that is there issue and you owe them no explanation I say that with kindness ,,, you owe yourself safety and sanity and you are getting there years of abuse does not heal in a few months,,, you are moving forward and that’s all that matters ,,, believe In your self !!!
      I had to have no contact with some of my friends especially if they were more on his side ,,FLYING MONKEYS ,,
      Be Safe,, talk nice to your self you made the biggest step already NO CONTACT ,,,

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  11. I found this blog early Decemeber and wrote a post after leaving my abusive ex.

    I was a total and utter mess. He had been vile to me, was obsessive and so controlling and it wasnt until my hen do, 3 weeks before my wedding to him and my friends saw his true colours (I hadnt gotten back to him in 30 mins and had 32 missed calls, 18 whatsapp calls and 8 texts all accusing of being with another man – no. I was just having fun on my hen do and his mother was even there!) that I cancelled our wedding. Desipite him being a monster, i was greiving not only for him but the wedding that never was. It was the most horrendous time 😦 Anyway, he moved out (which was hell on earth and obviously bloody reluctant!) I had to block him on everthing and get the police involved (trust me, he tried anyway to get hold of me) and felt i was getting back on track.

    I started speaking to guys and went out for a drink with one and I saw my ex out for the first time in 4 months. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and my whole world came crashing down before me. Stupidly, I unblocked him and within 2 hours he had noticed and messaged me. And yep, you guessed it, muggins here has started meeting with the ex again. He claims hes changed, im his world bla bla bla and I know we cant ever get back together. I mean, we could, if I wanted a life time of misery but why do I keep meeting him? Ive been in therapy since December and I know he is bad for me and I’ve said this since I started meeting him but I still love him deep down. How do i get over this? My head is all over the place and I felt so strong since I saw him. Can he change? I know he’s probably on his best behaviour but Ive not seen a bad side to him since meeting.

    P.S. Ive given him 2 chances before and he eventually slips up.

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  12. Carrie;
    Karma? Fate? Whim of the Deities?

    I came across your blog over a year ago while searching for truck information (???). At the time I was curious, did some reading, but was more focused on truck bumper specifications . I find it fateful in that what I’d read got me to thinking. That lead me to where I am today – in the middle of a divorce battle with a person (female) that meets every criterion for narcissism. Simply unbelievable.
    I’d never heard of the term before reading off your blog.
    And she totally is narcissistic; the rages were unbelievable, not just in their intensity, but because of the subjects. Your and others’ descriptions, although about other people, match her behavior uncannily.
    She was never physically violent, not directly, but mentally and emotionally she could be devastating. Of course, to hear her tell it, she’s the pitiful victim.
    So, now I am much more educated on the subject of the narcissistic personality and read your website with a more thorough understanding.

    Brad

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