Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie
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7,912 Replies to “Support Forum”

  1. We had a very brief, very intense affair. He claimed it was an open relationship (his fiancee-now-wife definitely knew but it became clear she was NOT happy about it and was suffering through it because she couldn’t bear to lose him). In retrospect, it felt like I was helping him cheat. Openly. If that makes sense.

    There was no devaluation, I guess.

    But oh god, the triangulation. With his wife, with other women, with figments of his past.

    I couldn’t take it anymore, so I bailed.

    And now, he’s been love-bombing my best friend, NOT A MONTH AFTER THE WEDDING – to the point where my friend had to tell him to back off.

    I feel like a stupid, naive piece of shit.

    I helped him hurt his wife, who doesn’t deserve any of this bullshit.

    I fell for his crap, I always thought of myself as a sharp cookie and I totally fell for it – hook line sinker. I fell for it and my friend didn’t and I feel so stupid.

    I’m so torn up and that bothers me because I’ve always thought of myself as a strong, tough person, but I have to see a therapist – and he didn’t even insult me or call me names or hit me!

    It’s not even about missing him, it’s about losing who I thought I was. I thought I was strong and smart and tough – and now I just feel stupid and weak and like a piece of shit for hurting his wife.

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    1. Free spirit,
      Please give yourself a break. Women and men from all walks of life get sucked in by these soul vampires.
      It has nothing to do with being weak, stupid or needy. In fact they tend to be attracted to highly intelligent, self sufficient women because they pose a greater challenge. Doctors, lawyers, police, even psychologist and therapists have come to this blog after being taken in by a narcissist.
      The one big difference with you is, you DID walk away before he turned ugly and became totally abusive.
      They are award winning actors, able to cry real tears at will.
      Your friend didn’t fall for it but she had already seen what you went through didn’t she?
      As for hurting his wife. Lesson learned. If it hadn’t been you it would have been someone else. I understand why you feel bad but we all make mistakes and we can’t change the past. All we can do is change how we behave in the future.
      To keep beating yourself up over it does no one any good. Unfortunately, his wife is going to suffer through much more abuse from him until she finds the courage to walk away. No one can change that except her because the N will never change.
      Please put it behind you and move on with your life, vow to live true to your core self and never compromise your values for anyone ever again.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. I am trying to be strong for about the 100th time. My N has been around since 2013, exactly 4 years to be exact. There are so many things I could write, so many stories of lies and manipulation, triangulation, mental abuse. But part of me feels like the trauma has made me lose part of my memories. Like I have become numb yet by replaying the events I still feel something. Hmmm writing that is almost an epiphany. I lost everything I had because of this man, my family, aborted a child, let him reel me in over and over again while he stayed with a woman he claimed not to love but had two more children with. But I think like you said, I chose to stay. I.Chose.To.Stay. I own that. But I don’t know how to swallow again for the 100th time going NC and staying NC and trying to beat in my thick head that there is nothing I can say or do that will make him be the ‘good guy’ he claims he is.

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    1. Anne, like a gambler who mortgages the house because he has lost everything else gambling and is afraid to stop because he fears he will miss the big payoff; the more a victim of abuse loses the more determined they become to stay.
      You would think they would cut their losses and leave; get sick of losing but their mind is telling them “you’ve invested too much to walk away. You have to recoup your losses.”
      Truth of the matter is; you always have more to lose; if not money it is self respect, friends, strength, your morals.
      It is human nature.
      Like a drug addiction that knows the drugs are killing him but his mind is saying, “Just a little bit, remember how good it felt? You can handle it this time”. And then he ends up ODING.
      For all of them it is one day at a time, one minute at a time sometimes bit eventually you do get to the other side and the fog lifts.
      You are still addicted and not thinking clearly.
      You have moments of clarity, but then your mind starts the chatter, the self doubt, the “what ifs”. No one can do it for you, you have to self counsel, keep repeating the truth over top of the negative self talk.
      If you are consistent (it is a lot of work, it’s so much easier to not fight it) you will deprogram your brain.
      After awhile you will avoid contact at any cost because you don’t ever want to feel that way again.
      Tell me honestly, do you like yourself when you are with him? Are you happy, content, full of inner peace?
      No, I didn’t think so. You probably go against most everything you value in life and what you know you deserve so you lose respect for yourself.
      Take time to learn who you are again and live true to your morals and standards; there won’t be room for him.
      You really don’t have a choice at this point, learn to live a life totally contrary to your core self or break away.
      We are here as support if you need us.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. To the outside world, this woman would seem weak, irrational, in denial, even deserving to be left out of her friends’ and families’ lives due to her poor choices time and time again.

    Unless you have experienced a relationship with a disordered, narcissistic partner, you cannot understand how much this relationship is like a drug– and like a drug addict, you are not thinking clearly, and consumed by the next fix.

    Relationships with this kind of man don’t have the kind of natural progression where the passionate honey-moon phases deepens into mature love, trust, and true friendship.

    You are kept constantly on your toes, your heart is constantly broken. As a loving and caring person, all you want to do is make up and get that feeling of love back from your abuser. Constant adrenaline, roller-coaster ride of emotions, fear of loss, and then the words that are like a hit of heroin…”I love you, I’m sorry, I miss you. It will be different this time.” Loving a person like this drives you crazy.

    The man does not see her. She is a vehicle for his drama, and gets to feel special and desired when she is clearly so desperate for his love.

    The world pales in comparison to the little love crumbs he offers her, because she is in a state of constant withdrawal.

    She may believe these addicted feelings means she is head over heals in love with him, when in reality, he simply provides the fix that no one else can.

    It is important for the victim, as well as her support network, to understand this

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  4. I am not sure if he is a narcissist or not. I have been in a relationship with this man now for 3 years knew him two years before that. He is divorced (second marriage and no children), has been for 3 years. We have been engaged for 18 months. Now the ex wife never wanted a divorce and she hates the idea he found me and is waiting for us to break up so she can have him back again. He has been seeing her “as a friend” and she has moved close to him ( one street behind and two house away, very close. Now he talked me in buying the house next to his as I have my 96 year old mother to look after…he has a son who has a terminal illness at home. So we can be together often. Also we were to get married last July….I moved in next door in May…well we didn’t get married, he didn’t think it was the right time and he wont give me another date either…I was very upset about all this. We still carry on like an old married couple….he does at times mention about us getting married then says why do we need to its only a piece of paper…yeah he torments me because he knows marriage is important to me. He goes for walks in the morning and so does his ex wife…she seems to find him some times and they talk, no affair happening but why do I think he sneaks about with her at times…I found out he goes to her house from time to time because her mother who lives with her thinks they are still married. She hasn’t told her parents they divorced some years ago because she thinks they will get back together. So one day as I was walking down her street guess who was coming out of her drive, him. He puts his arm around me and says where are you going and he will come with me..I looked back and she was up by her house looking. He was feeling very uncomfortable his hands were sweaty..I wasn’t angry because it comfirmed he did go to her house…Oh yes he is a liar, bullshit artist. Most of the time we get on very well. Not happy the ex wife moved so close though..but for some reason he finds it hard to part with people he knows…not just her other male friends. I think she is just waiting for us to break up because she knows I know they see each other when he walks and he most likely tells her I don’t like it…..He tells me she is finding it hard to move on..I tell him why doesn’t he just stop seeing her and tell her mother you are divorced….today he came over to my house to fill out some papers…I asked if I can get some photo copying done, he says do it tonight when I come over because he is going out tomorrow. I said where are you going…he says never you mind. He said I told you I am going to have a day to my self…ok …so why not just say where he is going..why is it a secret…now why is he caring for his son? Every one feels how wonderful he is caring for his son. I have heard him showering and changing him and its with kindness..his son is 36….He seems to be two people…kind and nasty…in brief

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    1. Hazel, one of the signs you are in a toxic relationship is; people is healthy relationships don’t have to search the Internet to find out.
      If a person has to search the net to figure out if they should leave a relationship or to give their partner a label (whether that label is narcissist or some other label) they are not happy and they should be reevaluating why they are with that person.
      I don’t know if your boyfriend is a narcissist or not; I suspect he is but of course I am not a professional therapist and no one could diagnose with one comment on a website but this is what I see.
      Your boyfriend is keeping his ex on the hook. He says she won’t accept it is over and they both lie to her mother about being split. A real man who wants free of a woman would and could end it if he wanted to. He is playing the victim, “she won’t let go” . If he went no contact and didn’t play along with the lie she would get the hint pretty quickly. Either he is a spineless coward (and do you want to be with a spineless coward who can’t stand up to his ex wife? )or he is triangulation the two of you. I would be interested to know what he is saying to her about you.
      As for his son, you don’t say what his son is afflicked with but with most parents carin for their child is a nature thing. A narcissist would do it to make himself look good. I can’t possibly know what his reason is but a narcissist never appears all bad. They often appear to be very kind, giving people who get taken advantage off. They save the abuse for their targeted supply. My ex was a totally different person out in public than he was at home. It’s hoe they confuse their target and maintain their position of nice guy in the public eye.
      As for the getting married. Getting married is obviously very imporant to you and it is the one carrot he knows he can dangle to keep you hanging around.
      I have to ask you; who goes through a wedding only to refuse to sign the papers? A coward who just grew balls at the final moment or someone who is purposely messing with your head? Do you want to be with either one of them?
      I would suggest you walk away until he is sure what he wants. For someone to pull something like that and then for you to continue to sleep with him and go back to acting like an “old married couple” tells him you are willing to tolerate him humiliating and disrespecting you with no repercussions. You lost the battle right at that exact moment.
      We want to be treated with respect and we tell them over and over we will not tolerate being disrespected but time after time they disrespect our boundaries. Why? Because we don’t walk away. We say we expect to be treated with respect but do nothing when we aren’t. We are afraid if we walk away we will lose them, but that is what should happen if they can not respect us or give us what we need to be happy.
      It is not being selfish to have boundaries.
      The question is not; “is he a narcissist” the real question should be, “why are you compromising everything that makes you happy and having to guess what your fiance is doing and what his intensions are.” You should be able to trust your fiance totally.
      What you see is what you get. Is this the life you want to live? It never gets better, ever; even with nice normal guys. Even we put our best foot forward in the beginning and relax as time goes on. If this is his best imagine what it would be like if you ever did get married.
      Why would he put his exwife’s feelings before yours? You are supposed to accept something that makes you unhappy. Do you want to be with someone who expects that? If he really loved you he would discuss it with you and come to some sort of resolution.
      If he is not willing to give up his ex for you I have to question why you are still with him. Do you not feel you deserve more respect than that?
      Time to take a long hard look at what you want in life and if this man is capable of giving it to you and stop trying to be the woman he wants. The woman who “wins” him. He ain’t no prize, believe me!
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  5. I feel lost and broken. My N changed my phone information so that everything belongs to him, the phone and my number. If I left permanently I would lose all of that. I would literally be lost. I just dont understand. THey act like they can’t stand your presence, but they do everything to make sure you can’t leave.

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    1. James, you are more than a phone number.
      If you go back now he wins again. I don’t understand why you are surprised he did that. He is a cruel and controlling person. If a narcissist treated people with respect and kindness, if what they did made sense; they wouldn’t be a narcissist. It is their actions that define them as being a narcissist. If they made sense and were normal they would be normal and you would not be in this situation at all.
      Right?
      He is not going to make this easy. He likes having a punching bag, he enjoys making you unhappy and controlling you. If you go back he just won again and you just fed his sick insatiable ego AGAIN!
      You just might have to deal with not having a phone for awhile, you WILL survive.
      You have a decision to make, it is not easy but you have two choices (I am being brutally honest now because I think you need it. Sympathy doesn’t seem to be getting through to you)
      Choice #1 – stop your whining and just accept this is your future, the rest of your life. He will control you, he will talk badly about you, embarrass you in front of friends and you will be miserable. But if you choose to stay with him you have to stop complaining about it because you know what you are getting into.
      Choice #2 – you choose to leave knowing that you will be starting over with nothing but that it will be a temporary situaton and you will rebuild your life. You will heal from the abuse and find happiness. You know that leaving is your only hope of ever being happy. You will choose to leave and work on yourself so you never get in this situation again. Starting over now is easier than starting over a year, 5 years or 10 years from now.
      Yes you have invested time and effort into this relationship, do you want to invest even more time in your own abuse?
      Lose more friends? Lose more of yourself? Possibly lose your life?
      What are you going to do James? There are only two choices. There is no; “but if he would just do this or that” that is not an option. That is living on hope and not reality. You must keep your head in reality.
      Good luck James. What will you choose?

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  6. What gets me is the lack of remorse with these “things” they try to come back and are not accountable or show any remorse they walk all over you after they left you kicked in the kerb and walk back in as though nothing happened! Your right Carrie they have no conscience whatsoever they exist for themselves only , they think the world exists around them. We are a convenience and appliance they use and throw away. They can treat you like dirt. Nelly I love your posts and take so much comfort from them. Yes they try triangulation too . Yes how would you feel with him back any of you that are thinking of taking them in; I for one asked myself that question when the he tried to repeat the love bombing.. You know what id feel that id disrespected myself, second best, used ,stupid, foolish a prize fool for even so much as listening to his crap and as for anything sexual sorry to be so blunt but it actually makes me want to vomit they treat you like dirt and expect you to have them back come on ladies (and men) educate against the Ns they are masters of disguise . Dont think ive not had my moments ive been like all of you here through hell and back but I know one thing i saw the light got out the fog and im working on myself and loving myself and i wont compromise my standards for no one ! Hugs

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    1. Jas, high 5!! Good for you. You are so right.
      When it comes right down to it, it comes down to; either you want to be happy or you don’t. To stay with or go back to a narcissist guarantees a future worse than the past.
      To leave means you face the unknown but you also open up the whole world to heal and find happiness. Inner peace, self respect, honesty, trust, love and commitent, family, Christmases, birthdays, plans you can count on.
      I am so happy for you that you have chosen the unknown, you are embarking on an exciting journey of self discovery and a happy future.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  7. I am in total shock still. My situation has been ongoing for almost two years. My marriage to a great man had grown distant and I met the “man of my dreams” My husband and I had been discussing divorce for several yeas and had slept in seperate bedrooms and had no relationship what so ever other than coparenting our children in our home. The “love of my life” messaged me on fb and we became friends and met for coffee. I instantly was swept off my feet as this man claimed love at first time and drove home saying he knew he was going to marry me. I found the courage to leave my husband and start a life with this man who lived an hour away. I have two kids with my husband but somehow this man found a win to me and my kids over. Taking us to Disney World setting up bedrooms for my kids in his house. It took me awhile to finally file for divorce and I felt pressured to do it. I never moved all belongings out of my home and my husband and i remained friends but the narcacisst insisted I hate him and I found myself having to prove myself. Long story short we (my kids and i were repeatedly thrown out, he would even have his own kids pack our things) i filed for divorce and he took off with another woman in another state which he denied. Although we were technicly split up he continued to see me and tell me he loved but he just needed to be alone and I needed to get my life right. He was correct in that i need to finalize my divorce. Few months past and i found pics and video of him with this woman he continued to deny and made me feel horrible about questioning him on. I was heartbroke, however i took him back. It lasted a few months promises to my kids and myself crying and begging us to forgive and we did. The new girlfriend had left him when i confronted her because she was married. I remained to live at my house with my husband as our divorce drug out over the last year and the narc continued to disappear in and out of my life and me constantly not being able to let go. We got back together in the spring and i told him i would remain in my home ( lawyer advised) and that i knew he would not be able to handle it and throw us out again i advised him to wait until it was over (next month is our finalized date) He again begged and pleaded with myself and my kids to take him back because he couldnt live without us and would do whatever it took, we agreed stayed with him except for the three days a week i had to work (an hour away) he had bought a diamond asked me to go to mexico next month told all the kids he was prosposing as my divorce would finally be over. He had started to demand i move in completely and not stay at home because it was not fair to him (i do understand that it wasn’t easy) but i needed time to trust him again and the fighting started and demands and then we left one day for cheerleading and he packed our things again and we were over. He said for two weeks he would unpack it all if i agreed to never go back to my home and be around my ex. I stood my ground and said no he gave me my things after threatening to burn my daughers guinea pigs send them to humane society throw my things in garbage (threats are endless) but all while telling me he plans on proposing next month. Then suddenly two weeks later the tone changed as he met someone else. She is already in the house with him and has met his kids. I randomly get messages of love songs or pics and we kept in contact until the other day i actually spoke to new gf and sent her all the messages he had sent the last month denying her. she didnt care. Im so confused. i sent all our pics letters cards in the mail back to him and he of coarse sent me a pic of it all in the garbage. He says he will always love me but that its all my fault because i couldnt give him all of me.

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    1. Teresa, welcome to the club. Did you send the new woman the messages in hopes she would dump him and you would get him back? Believe me, right now you will never convince her that he is anything but a sweetheart and you are a psycho ex who won’t leave him alone.
      Believe me this is typical of a narcissist and there is nothing you could have done differently. Women are interchangeable to a narcissist; love bomb, discard and then love bomb again only so they can discard you again.
      Believe me when I say I don’t know when it will happen, it could be a week, a month or a year but he will come back and try to suck you back into his Web.
      You would be wise to take this time to educate yourself on narcissists so you are prepared.
      We are here for you if you need to talk
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      1. Thank you so very much. This group has helped me get through the last few days. I have been reading up on several differant mental disorders. When we separated the last time he had me convinced I was bipolar I went to my doctor met with a psychologist and was told
        I was perfectly normal but had been in an abusive situation. Sadly I took him back two more times. I did want to new girlfriend to leave as the last one did when I confronted her so I would have my “love” back. It’s so hard to realize that all
        wonderful things about him and all his promises were all fake. I do fear the day when he comes back, as you say he will. Especially when this long drug out divorce is final next month as he has waited all along for it to be finalized. I have no reason to hate my ex and the fact that we can get along so well for our kids sakes should be a good thing but the N was determined to change that all. Thank you again for support

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        1. Teresa, I went back every 6 months for 10 years. We would get back together and things would be good for awhile (every time I went back the honeymoon stage got shorter until it was practically nonexistent). It had gotten to the point of me thinking “It’s just the way we are”. As heart breaking as it was, after doing it for so long I didnt think he would/could ever really leave me. I thought we has a special love, that our love was so strong, it was stronger than both of us and we would be together forever.
          I would pray that he would tell me any lie as long as it was good enough that I could continue to lie to myself. That is what is called cognitive disonance, when logically we know the truth but refuse to accept it and lie to ourselves in order to accept the unacceptable.
          You have to find someway to get your head in reality and dig deep for the strength to stay away and no contact.
          If nothing else, do it for your kids.
          There is going to come a day your kids will have enough and you will lose them. You willingly put them in the position of being abused by this man, some day they will resent you for it and is this what you want them to think a relationship is all about?
          How confusing for them, how heart breaking for them. What normal healthy man would threaten to burn the guinea pigs? Who would get his kids to pack your stuff? No matter what he says to try to get you back, remind yourself of those times. A man that does the things and says the things he does is the type of man who would kill your kids out of revenge, to make you pat the highest price a mother can pay for not giving him what he wants. Once you leave your ex husband things will be good for awhile but then he will find something else to bitch about. They always move the goal posts. You can never make them happy.
          He won’t be happy until you have lost everything good in your life. He will control your every emotion until you stop feeling.
          Stop fantasizing about how good you thought they could be, stop with the “if only’s” , and thinking “this time you know how to make him happy” .
          Take it from someone who ended up walking away just because I knew I would die, either by his hand or my own; if I didn’t. You think he can not hurt you more than he already has, that you gave nothing more to lose. The only thing you have lost so far is your perspective on what is truly important in life. And that is your loved ones. Not some asshole who dangles a carrot, but the love of children who never asked to be brought into the world and who deserve the best you that you can be.
          You are not your best right now, you are not being the best mom that you can be; it is impossible if you are consumed with what the N is doing. You can never get those years back, your children will grow up and you WILL look back one say and wish you had not wasted these precious years focusing on an asshole.
          I live with the regret every day. I forgive myself or it would kill me and thank God my son forgives me but he will pack the memories and the hatred towards my ex the rest of his life and I regret putting him in the position of having to defend me, watch a man hurt me and be unable to stop it.
          The damage YOU are doing to your children is totally within your control. It is the one thing you can control, you can’t control or change the narcissist, or anyone for that matter.
          I don’t mean to be too hard on you but I needed a shot of reality and figured you did too.
          I say it all with love and concern. You think this man is the answer to your happiness but he keeps showing you time and time again that he is far from it.
          Hugs
          Carrie

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          1. Carrrie,
            Thank you for replying. It is an emotional roller coaster every day. One day remembering the good, as we did have good, and then facing the reality of the bad. He is never going to be satisfied, deep down I know that. I could give him everything he asks for and still disappoint him. And yet at the same time he worshipped me, or so it seemed. It’s been a mental mind battle and trying to figure it out is driving me insane. I can’t stress over it anymore as you said and miss out on the good that’s in my life now. It’s just been a hard realization that I’m so easily discarded and replaced by another. But ultimately I want someone who would never let me go just as I would never let them go, you work through issues. I’ve spoken in great depth with my children of what a healthy realationship should be. Thank God he was never physically abusive to any of us. His threats were privately to me and he was an extremely affection loving man to my kids and myself, HOWEVER to continually pack our things and throw us out time and again is NOT OK. That is not LOVE! I have said many things in arguments that were not nice as well , it goes both ways but never disrespected him or his belongings. I know we are toxic together and I know I need time to get my head clear and be strong and build a wonderful life for my kids. Thank God they have stability and security with their father and I. I just miss the good times. I do appreciate you being honest and and replying to me. This forum has helped me greatly.

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          2. Carrie
            Reading that was a blast from a past i hope never to experience again!!! It’s sometimes a good to get an email from your site that reminds me of all i had to move past and or around to get to who i am now! I am 3 1/2 years out of it and i still feel the damage that he’s left in me! I remember each time we’d get back together, what was hopefully going to come “this time”. It was going to better “this time”. Here’s what i finally learned…Crazy doesn’t want to be rescued, he doesn’t want to be better if it means he has to do the work to get there and Crazy definitely doesn’t want you holding him accountable and pointing out how he creates most of his problems himself. Meaning, Crazy doesn’t want you to help him to become a functioning, healthy, mature, responsible, gainfully employed adult. Crazy wants you to put up with his shit and clean up his messes and thank him for the privilege of letting you do so! Once i realized that, I was FREE!!

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  8. Why is today so hard for me? I know, because it’s the weekend, we spent our days off fully ungulfed in each other and our kids. We did family things and outings. I know he took today off and is spending it with the new girl and it just devistates me. I know I should fill my time , but with what? My whole life was HIM!!! Today is the fourth day withtout any contact either way and it’s going to be the hardest knowing he is spending the next three days off with her. Struggling at best today.

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    1. Teresa, I know it is hard and I totally understand and have been there. They take great pleasure in your pain and he knows this is driving you crazy.
      At first you have to push yourself to not obsess about them. As much as we think we can’t control what we think about we can retrain our brains to not obsess about them.
      Of course we had good times, great times with them; or we wouldn’t have stuck it out with them and be so heart broken now.
      Your ex husband must be a saint. Can you now see how much it must have hurt him when you were off with the kids with this new man? You are very lucky to have an ex who has allowed you to come and go from the marital home like you did.
      It is one thing to tell the children what a loving relationship is supposed to look like, it is another to show them.
      Abuse is not always physical and in fact a lot of times the emotional abuse leaves much deeper and longer lasting scars. I would not call you going back and forth to another man showing your children stability. Their father may be stable in their life but you have not been.
      I don’t say that to be hurtful but because a victim of a narcissist who is obsessing about the narcissist is not a stable healthy person. I wasn’t, you aren’t. You can’t be. Stable healthy people do not obsess about their partner and do not break up and get back together numerous times.
      A normal healthy person deals with their previous marriage before they get involved and move chi6ldren back and forth.
      You were bored with your marriage and the narcissist came in like the white Knight to save you from your dreary life. It was a fantasy romance and you fell hook line and sinker for the fairytale romance like something out of a Julia Roberts movie.
      Now you have to face the cold hard facts and it sucks, big time.
      Sure the N is sweeping the new woman off her feet, right now. Just like he did with you and she will end up heart broken, just like you.
      No contact is more than waiting for the phone to ring. No contact means you cut off all means he can use to contact you. It means not checking his Facebook or any other social media. It means not talking to mutual friends about what he is doing and changing your email address, phone number if need be.
      You are entitled to miss what you thought you had, griebe the loss of love you thought you had but he never loved you. You’re love was real but his was a lie. He i’s incapable of love.
      Keep repeating it like a mantra instead of envisioning how happy he and the new woman are. Replace those thoughts with the truth. He is a lie and always will be.
      Your children deserve a healthy mother who is not making herself crazy trying to make sense of crazy.
      You could probably get him back eventually especially if you act like you are just fine without him. But you will only be signing on for more crazy.
      The man has a personality disorder, he does not make sense. That is what makes him disordered. You want more crazy?

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      1. Of coarse I don’t. And the amount of guilt I carry for bringing my kids into what I thought was going to be a wonderful family environment is astronomical. Yes my ex has been a saint. He let us go freely as I had said we were both ready to move on. We will always remain close for our children. I am doing my best to provide stability. I know there will be good days and bad days of missing him. I do not want him back and I keep repeating that to myself. I NEED to be a stable strong mom for my kids, I can’t ever subject them to any one else walking out of their life. I am blessed their dad and I have been able to remain a strong stability for them.

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        1. Teresa, I am sorry if I hit a sensitive spot. I sometimes find it hard to remain objective because of my own experiences.
          I haven’t written about it in a post because I don’t want my son to be pissed at me and I have many of his friends on my FB and all my blog posts get posted to my FB also.
          It has been 7 years since I left my ex for the last time. But I went back many times. I always thought I was still being a loving mom, I tried to hide the truth from my son, he lived out of province, and I didn’t tell him what was going on.
          Mostly because I was afraid of what he would do to my ex. My concern was not for my ex but for my son ruining his life over a piece of shot like my ex.
          Anyway, I have apologized over and over to my son and the guilt was eating me up. I had to forgive myself and concentrate on what I could control. The past was done, all I could do was be the best mom I could be from now on.
          My guilt was going to destroy any future happiness because it put me in a constant state of trying to make up for my mistakes. It wasn’t my son making me feel guilty; it was all me.
          I have cherished any time I get with my son, every time he calls because he needs my advice or a sounding board. Every. Single. Moment. Is a gift to me.
          We were having a great day about a month ago, I was driving him to the ferry and we stopped for lunch at a pub.
          My mom is going through something and relying on me a lot lately. (Long story)
          Years ago, I had left my ex along my mom and stepdad had offered to buy me a mobile home. Long story short; even though I was making the payments they sold the trailer out from under me when the economy tanked in 2008. I was not seeing my ex, we had been no contact for 3 months but my parents told the family that they sold the trailer because I went back to my ex.
          They went on an 8 week holiday, saying it was a previous commitment. My mom and stepdad didn’t talk to me for 2 years. Anyway, it was very painful and the reason I went back to my ex.
          My son still believes the lies my mom told him and I tried to explain to him that I was finding it hard to be sympathetic to my mom after what she did to me. But I have because I have integrity, I have lost a lot of respect for them.
          My son lost it, screaming at me that he was sick of my excuses, he refused to get back in the car and took a taxi the rest of the way.
          This is a very condensed version of events I am not even sure it makes sense.
          The point I am trying to make is; it ripped my heart out to hear the pain and see my sons face and know he has this anger inside him still.
          I was numb driving home. He called me first thing in the morning to apologize and tell me he loves me. And I do forgive him, I caused his pain and a mother should never ever be the reason for her child’s pain.
          I just don’t want anyone to make the same mistakes I made, or any more kids to carry that pain.
          We don’t know how sick we are at the time. We think we are making rational decisions and we are being a good parent but when you are dealing with a narcissist you are not thinking clearly, if you were you wouldn’t be going back and forth.
          I can’t judge you, and I can’t protect you from the lessons I learned. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing any good sharing my story. Maybe everyone has to learn the hard way. I don’t know.

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  9. Why do they do what they do? Why do they want so much control over those they claim are the closest to them? The Narc in my life is so incredibly NICE to everyone, but behind closed doors he’s sadistically cruel. I don’t understand? That’s the hardest part about trying to untangle from them. You can’t understand them. Nothing makes sense. When you try to leave them, they won’t let you but always make sure that you know that they can/will get rid of you. It’s just torture.

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    1. James, you are missing the point. They are sick, they don’t make sense, we wI’ll never understand because we feel. They do not. Life is an act for them and they really can’t understand why we get so upset. They know what they do hurts us and they like that control but because they don’t feel guilt they can never feel love or even real happiness. All their emotions are dulled, I know my ex didn’t feel physical pain like a normal person either.
      They are disabled. Period. Asking them to care or love is like demanding they jump off a building and fly. They can’t! ! Even if they wanted to. In his mind you are asking him to commit suicide. He feeds off of other people’s feelings, without the validation of being able to cause emotional pain in others he doesn’t exist.
      Any love you see is an act. He is nice to other people because he has to be in order to survive in the world.
      If he showed his true colors all the time he would be exiled.
      Stop trying to make sense of him or solve the puzzle. It will drive you insane and keep you under his control. You are obsessing about figuring out a disordered person. The reason he is disordered is because he doesn’t make sense. It’s a vicious cycle. If he made sense he would not be a narcissist.
      How many different ways can I say it?!
      Stop, just stop trying to make the puzzle pieces fit. You will never get what you are looking for; not from him.

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      1. I know I sound like a broken record Carrie. I appreciate your patience with me. I’m just a logical caring person and always have been. So it’s hard for me when someone I care about tremendously and who for a time seemed to be the same…has erratic moments of extreme abuse. I’ve been through some things with him that I wouldn’t tell anyone about. The logical side of me knows its evil but tries to figure out why. I’m working on just accepting that thats how he is and will not change and I am in fact in danger if I am with him in any capacity.

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      2. I’m at my lowest and feel stupider than I ever felt. I did go back a few days ago because I just didnt know what he was capable of and my future away was just so uncertain. For no reason at all he calls my best friend to tell her he thinks I have a drinking problem. She told him that it was because of him. He gave me a 30 day notice without even talking to me about it. My mind and body feel like they are reeling. I shouldn’t have gone back, but now that I’ve been discarded maybe I can get my life back together.

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        1. James, he may say you have 30 days to get out but he is never going to make it easy for you to leave. If you leave he will accuse you of deserting him, the relationship failing will be all your fault, etc.
          If you don’t leave this time he will continue to lie about you behind your back and tell everyone that he wants you out but you won’t go and he is so soft hearted he can’t kick you out.
          Your only choice is to leave but it will never be easy.
          And every time you go back the abuse will be worse.
          Hugs

          Like

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