Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie
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8,659 Replies to “Support Forum”

  1. My narc is gone three weeks now. He owes me money. I’m not going to stress about it because that will stop me from healing if I keep stressing. It’s hard. He wants to move back in to be roommates and sex buddies. I told him no.

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    1. Good thinking.Have no idea how much he owes you,but maybe not worth the headache. Anyway,no contact..remember?Any and I mean any response from you gives him hope,that is unfortunately how they think.I know it is hard,but please stick to it.
      P.S. Hopefully for you he will find new “sex buddy”. Feel sorry for her allready.

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      1. HI Martina – Thank you for answering! It’s $500. I definitely could use it, and I have the text messages from him showing he owes the money and him saying he will pay it, but honestly, not sure I even want to pursue it. My friends, who have not been with narcs, say “do not throw your money away.” In reality, I just about threw my LIFE away by being with him. Any attempt at this would cause more rage. I want to just move on. I went to breakfast yesterday with 2 friends, and what a feeling! I could order what I want without being fat shamed and I could actually go home when I wanted to without the egg shells in the house. WHAT A CONCEPT! Even though I feel PTSD effects from this “relationship,” I at least do not have happy memories to pine over. The love bombing memories are old, so they do not come to my brain.

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        1. Good for you and I am happy for you.Yes,that freedom from narc is priceless.Once he is gone your head “clears” up and you realize more and more what has been going on while with him.Stay strong, remember they hate to loose so they try any trick they can.

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          1. Yes, real snake oil salesmen! I have a question off the topic – kind of a weird question, so not sure if it applies to a lot of N’s, or my lovely ex-bum. He is a stickler for a clean house, and things “Just so,” yet his own hygiene leaves something to be desired. Hardly washed his clothes – worked outside but would not shower a lot – ICK gross, I know. I made the mistake of telling him he really needed to shower, right before he moved out, and you would have thought I murdered his family twice over. HOW DARE I?

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            1. My ex narc would always critize my clothes.To him they were too sexy,slutty…his words.He would even hide my clothes.I assure you they were not as that is not my style.Anyway, I found out his taste in watching porn videos and so on.Did it in hiding of course and daily as I discovered.I guess that was ok for him. So there is your answer to your question.

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              1. Hi I would like to response to martina and Diana, I was curiouse but do you know if you could describe your NARC ex? As I have a partner who I suspect that has many illicit affairs behind my back? Hope this is not too strange to ask?

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                1. Hi Jean – My narc ex always claimed I was the first sexually to be so “open.” Would say he did not have much experience, yet he always would mention some other female here and there he had been with. Also, he cheated on his first wife (because they were “only dating at the time”) and then cheated on his second wife (“before we got married because she did not like sex”). He always had a way of justifying his cheats. He did not cheat on me while we lived together, but I think that is only because he is also an alcoholic, so that made for a great side piece for him versus another chick. He never went anywhere outside of work. Did he flirt with anybody at work? That I have no idea. Also, the liquor affected his sexual performance. He could always get an erection, but not really maintain or finish anything.

                  Cleanliness: Always wanted clean house and car but HE was atrocious. Hardly showered, even after he works outside for a living. Lives for sports on TV. Would literally ignore me when I spoke to him – even updating him my recent bladder biopsies were negative for cancer. He would lurk on Facebook constantly. Narcisisstic rage even if I asked a question like, “Hey are we out of ketchup?” Drank so much, that he would not remember entire conversations/situations.

                  LOVES porn. LOVESSSSSSSSSSSSSS it – even watches it at work.

                  I hope this helps. And I HOPE AND PRAY you are not being cheated on. Please feel free to write back at any time. We are all on different roads of this journey, and you are not alone.

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                2. Describe my ex narc? Easy.At first the most charming,loving,caring…looking back , maybe too much.
                  Once he got what he wanted..uncaring,mean,lying…all about him.
                  That pretty much described it.

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                3. My ex narc demanded nothing but cleanliness from me. However, when I didn’t clean…he never cleaned and the place would go to hell. I couldn’t stand it so I would always clean. He never did. He was way too vain to have bad hygiene, but he was most certainly a slob.

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    2. Keep strong. I was with this man and luckily I got out. I eventually you just have to know it’s not you, it’s them and dont care. Mine told me once he had finally moved out and of course it was all my fault even though he already had another woman lined up who he was messing with he said to me “that I’d never find someone and I’d be alone forever because all I was, was a good fuck!” And of course a year later he called asking for my forgiveness, and saying he loved me and for a split second I hoped so and then he said “what you need is a man in your life!” And suggested he should move in again and when I didn’t agree, it didn’t take as long for him to show his true self and that he hadn’t changed! I thanked him showing me what I didn’t want in my life and wished him well. You need to remember it’s him not you and despite what he says you deserve better!

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  2. I have a teenage daughter that I feels boyfriend is on the verge of being a Narc.. and they are have broken up several times and she doesn’t see what he is doing to her. Her mood has changed so much since she has been with him. I have been through this before with my best friend and it didn’t end well. What do I do now that its my teenage daughter. I don’t want to push to hard but I can’t just sit back and watch this happen. I need some help and advice on how to help her see the truth and know her worth.

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    1. Dear one scared mom
      this is a delicate area ,, does he physically hurt her ??? Or do you see him verbally abuse her ?? If yes you and anyone else has a right to say something ,, I have a teenager 18 who lived with his Narc Dad for 18 months he sees his Dad for who he is ,, and he finally left his Dad and moved back in With me ,, he still sees him , but knows his limits with him ,,you can also goto counselling your self and if your Daughter sees a change in you and knows you are trying to improve with out you pushing it on her ,,, Chances are very high she will do the same ,, keep being there for her , Let her know that door of yours is always open I did with my son and he finally walked thru it to a more stable supportive environment ,,, I send your Daughter and you all my prayers ,,

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      1. Thanks for the advice. No there is no phsyical abuse or verbal abuse. I just see the control and she has told me how he has made her feel stupid and ugly and then play it off like a joke. As for me we have a very strong family and supportive this is not the behavior she has grown up seeing. So it makes it even harder.

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    2. I have a 17 year old daughter.Couple years ago I had a similar problem.It was not about a boyfriend,but about her friend.I as a mother could clearly see signs this friend of hers had narc signs.
      This is what I can tell you from my experience as a mother.More I “nagged” or got upset..worse it got.So, I of course let my my daughter know how I feel and why…gave her my reasonings.I also let her know I love her and trust her.I stopped so called “intruding” even though deep down I was boiling.Long storry short…few months later she figured it out on her own and that was that.
      Now..if my daughter had a boyfriend who in any way shape or form was abusive..physically or mentally..you bet I as a mother would immediately take it to proper authorities..whether she would like it or not.

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  3. Hi everyone! So happy to have found this place. I have read many of the posts, not all of them. Sometimes I feel like I am in a 12 year relationship with a narc and then I think I misjudged him and it’s me just seeking answers to “normal” relationship problems.

    Our current blowout this weekend was because he moved my daughter’s possessions into the guest room so he could have “his” space back. He calls the in law apartment his man cave. I got mad and called him, he hung up on me and told me to change my approach and then refused to answer the phone, but texted. I blew up more because he again cut me off until I ‘adjusted my approach’. I have to ask to snuggle with him, ask if he is busy when I first call, ask for affection – which I never get him to snuggle me and my kids and myself supposedly don’t show him respect and are always the problem when they come to visit.

    He quit his job five years ago because he quit drinking and AA told him that he needed to take care of himself first. Only works part time now with no expectations of getting full time employment again. This is what he likes to do in life. (He’s 47) I own the house and he has bled me dry. (My fault for not saying “no”). He doesn’t feel the need to split the bills because I am paying for the roof over my own head anyway.

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    1. whoops, accidentally hit the send button. Do any of the information I have given shown that he may be a narc or did I just pick a guy and dealing with a bad relationship? – Julie

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    2. Julie,
      I laughed reading your comment, not because there is anything funny about what you are going through, but because it all sounded so familiar and I know how fucked up (excuse my language but really there is no other way to adequately describe it) your thinking has become.
      It is almost impossible, no it is impossible to think clearly as long as you are with him because he will keep twisting facts, blaming you or the kids, finding excuses, etc and you will sink deeper and deeper into the narcissists quicksand until you get too weak to pull yourself out.
      I can tell you the truth and point out how warped your relationship is, tell you he is a narcissist and point out all the reasons why I think that and you will get off here feeling stronger and vindicated. You will decide to not take his shit anymore, you might even tell him you know he is a narcissist; thinking he will change or be shocked into realizing what an asshole he has been.
      And within a few hours he will have you doubting yourself again and second guessing things you have seen with your own eyes.
      But here we go.
      Ask yourself these questions:
      If I tell you he is a narcissist, what difference does it make to you and your life? If I tell you this is “normal” relationship problems, what will you do?
      Will it make you happy in the relationship if I tell you this is “normal”?
      Have you ever been able to make him happy and stay happy yourself, without compromising your boundaries, morals or principles?
      How many other women do you know who deal with the shit you deal with?
      My ex used to tell me all the time that I was crazy and had a warped view of reality, that I was the one with the problem and I should get help. I told him, find me one other person, a drunk off the street, your best buddy, tell them the truth about what goes on behind closed doors; if they tell me I am crazy I will get help but I am not taking your word for it.
      Of course he never did.
      There is no way I can diagnose your husband as being a narcissist, even a professional psychologist would be totally irresponsible to diagnose someone on line without alot more info.
      The thing is, it’s really irrelevant.
      What you need to ask is are you happy? Do you feel there is anything you can do or change that would make him happy? Do you want to live the rest of your life this way?
      Do you feel respected, loved and appreciated? Are you walking on eggshells all the time? Are you always carefully planning how to express your feelings in a way he won’t find offensive? Even when you do carefully express yourself does it turn into a fight where you end up defending yourself and even apologizing?
      There is nothing “normal” about a relationship like that, if you are in it long enough it can become your normal though. Normal does not mean healthy either.

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      1. Wow, thank you for taking the time to read and respond. And glad I brought you some laughter. You are completely right. I spent all day reliving some things I questioned before. I understand what it means when you finally open your eyes. My biggest fear right now is making ends meet. I have started with some ideas., even a house mate or second job. This morning when I wrote this, I was so afraid of getting pulled back in. But I feel stronger this evening. I will keep you updated. And thanks again. 😊

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  4. It’s been 7 months of pure no contact. It feels like coming out of a deep fog. I can see things that I couldn’t see before. I look back over the relationship and there was so much awfulness that I didn’t even register all of it. I’m recovering now. I’ve learned to mostly stop reminiscing over the good times because the bad times were so much worse.

    I actually stopped thinking about him(as much) briefly, then I found out a few weeks ago he’s selling his house that I already knew he couldn’t afford without me. It’s bittersweet because I love KARMA! but I also know it’s probably really beating up his ego and a part of me feels bad for him.

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        1. I bet he expressed “concern” only if in some way it would serve him. Don’t mean to sound harsh,but that is how narc’s are.Remember, he knows you are a person who has feelings and wants to believe,love and care.Narc’s are incapable of those,it is all about them.
          You take care of YOU and let him take care of him.

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          1. Funny you should mention it. his biggest concern for me always seemed to be my drinking which gt progressively worse during the relationship. I notice the first thing he would always say is “you shouldn’t drink so much, you might lose your job.” In fact, everytime he showed concern it was something he was afraid would cost me a job or income. I guess that makes sense since I paid half the mortgage…gotta make sure I’m working.

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            1. Again, it is about YOU, not him. Forget about him and cut your losses.Trust me,he knows that in a way you still care and is just waiting to take advantage of that.
              You take care of you and spend that half of the mortgage on you or your family.Easy to do.Day in a spa? Hiking with friends? Does wonders…opens your eyes even more.

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  5. I was emotionally abused as a child but my parents as well as others. I am now 54 years old and I am pretty screwed up. I got here via Quora, where I asked a question. I self tested with the MMPI and scored highly psychopathic. I realized a while back that I have a very limited guilt or conscience response yet I am very empathetic. A little about me. I have tested in the top three percentile of intelligence of the population. I am an atheist. I have self medicated most of my life. I have been in and out of jail and prison for most of my life.

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  6. *deep sigh* I knew the day would come. My abuser got wind that people knew how he was treating me. He already knew, but I guess he was bored or something and decided to lay every piece, every intimate detail, every mistake I’ve ever made on social media. Did a raving hit piece trying to make me look crazy and make himself look like a victim. Thank god it backfired. You can’t try to prove that you are not abusive by making an abusive post. I knew the day would come, but it just hurt that he took it there. Thankfully, that’s the worst he can do to me since ive escaped.

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    1. He did it because he knew it would hurt you…remember they don’t like to “loose” You know the truth and that’s what matters.He wants a “response”, don’t give it to him.

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  7. I am really trying to think of myself as the lucky one for getting out but it’s been difficult. We were off and on for 3 years. He was obsessed with wanting to get married. I didn’t because our relationship was toxic and unstable. I kept hoping it would get better. Never did, just worse. He would never come see me ( 30 mins away) had every excuse in the book. So I always went there. His new supply lives 700 miles away. He jumps on a plane every other week to fly and see her. Does that crush me? Yes. It seems she is getting what I wanted and more from him. He didn’t use Facebook much before and now their pictures are everywhere with all the lovey comments. They have been together for 6 months and just got engaged. He Hoover’s me every few weeks, usually love bombing me or keeping me on a string. He seems like a different person with her and it makes my heart ache that he couldn’t of done that for me. He wouldn’t even try. And then get mad that I wouldn’t marry him. I keep thinking that maybe she’s the “unicorn” that will make him into a great guy. Please remind me that he’s not changed.

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    1. Sarah, you are breaking the golden rule and torturing yourself. Why? Because you hope that he is going to show his true colors and prove to you he is an ass hole. He knows exactly how to get to you and he is. Oh goody! More juicy supply for him.
      You aren’t giving yourself time to heal. What happens if you keep picking the scab off of a cut? It will bleed again!!
      Every time you look at his FB, every time you take his call or read his text or email you are ripping the bandaid off, picking at the scab and wondering why you aren’t healing.
      Do you remember a song, maybe you are too young; but the words of the song are something like
      “I guess you’re just what I needed
      I needed someone to feed
      I guess you’re just what I needed
      I needed someone to bleed”
      He fed you what you needed to fall in love so he could break your heart. He NEEDS your pain to feel good about himself. He can’t show his true colors to the new woman, yet but that’s OK because he is getting his supply from you. You are enabling him to keep his mask on.
      Whenever he needs proof of his power and superiority all he has to do is call you. Keep you on the hook.
      What do you think would happen if you stopped responding? If he went to check your FB and your not there because you have blocked him or he calls your number and you’ve blocked him? He wouldn’t have his guaranteed supply and he would get frustrated and start to suffer withdrawal, he needs his narcissistic supply to survive, his mask would start to slip. And what would happen to you if you cut him out of your life? You would start to heal and stop bleeding.
      He is NEVER going to give you what you need. Why would he? He never did before, why would he start now?
      You can be sure if you cut him out of your life completely he will start bad mouthing you even more, he will tell horrible lies to everyone you know because he will be pissed you stopped supplying his ego.
      That is why you have to cut out all and every mutual friend, and every avenue he has of reaching you. Because is he can’t reach you he will get to you through friends. He knows if he says nasty things about you to your friends it will get back to you. Or he will cry and say how much he misses you knowing it will get back to you.
      He will do anything to keep you hooked and supplying his ego.
      Stop feeding the monster!!
      He doesn’t even have to work that hard at hurting you; you are helping him. Stop!!
      What good does it do you to keep torturing yourself?
      When my ex came to me and wanted to stay “friends” I said, “Why on earth would I want a front row seat to watching you giving another woman everything I ever wanted? No thanks!”
      How he treats the new woman is none of your business. How did he treat YOU?
      What could you have done differently to make him treat you better? You tried everything didn’t you? Nothing was ever good enough. You weren’t happy.
      IF and I say a big IF he is happy with this new woman, what do you think she is doing that you weren’t will to do to make him happy?
      I know I gave up all my boundaries, compromised everything that mattered to me and it was never enough for him.
      If I was honest with myself I knew; I was not happy with him. I had been living on “if only’s”, “I wish’s” and the way I wanted things to be; not the way things were.
      To keep rehashing the relationship and to keep watching him give the new woman everything I ever wanted was NOT helping ME. He treated ME like crap and he punched ME in the head and he was never happy with ME, and I was miserable trying to make him happy.
      I had given him 10 years of my life and I was CHOSING to give him MORE of my heart and time. So I stopped, went no contact, changed my phone number, blocked him every where and cut all mutual friends out of my life.
      You can do it too.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  8. Couldn’t agree more with Carrie. He keeps you on a “string” because you let him.He knows you know about his new “love” and check the FB and etc and it makes him feel good.It is all about him..not you and not her.
    I know where you are coming from..been there.It took me some time to realize that it was me who was hurting me.I always had the option to say stop and really mean it.Once I did, everything became better.I felt better about me,my kids had a happier,healthier mom.My friends got that “old” friend back.
    I can’t wait for you to write here how happy you are that he is out of your life and you no longer “feel” for his tactics/manipulation.

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  9. I’m not sure if my wife is a narcissist or a sociopath. (Her 3rd marriage, my first) Together for 4 years it really was a relationship of two halves. Up until our marriage 2 years ago, my wife was amazing. I was everything she ever wanted, we were twin flames and I was the love of her life. Our sex life was off the scale. She wanted to be with me all the time.
    Once married she literally changed overnight. Everything she loved about me she started to dislike. She withdrew her attention and affection, making me work harder and harder for crumbs of love.
    6 months into the relationship she walked out, returning a few weeks later after a holiday abroad with her adult daughters. She told me I needed to change. Her attitude towards me fluctuated with her mood or whether she needed me to do something or not. She would make me feel really loved for short periods of time and then withdraw and criticise to make the discard more effective. Whenever I tried to discuss things she would flip and walk out for hours or days (to talk about me with her daughters) walk out or deny everything saying I was ‘over sensitive’. I had stopped spending time with my own daughter, my friends and family by now. everything revolved around her.
    Earlier this year she inherited a large amount of money and the day the cheque cleared she told me she wasn’t in love with me and that she had been ‘going through the motions’ and she was leaving, but could she stay until her new house was ready!? I’m ashamed to say I let her. She told me she was leaving but didn’t want to lose me, so I agreed to keep trying once she had left. We dated every week and had two weekends away together (in the UK) before she eventually started to cut off again following another luxury holiday abroad with her daughters.
    I confronted her last weekend and she told me she loves me as friend but has no other feelings for me. Simple as that. She had not been dating me, she had just been hanging out and leaving me hanging on.
    She came to collect the rest of her things yesterday. I said, ‘I didn’t think this would happen to us’ and all she said was ‘can I take the microwave if you don’t use it’. Then she was gone. Four years of my life spent trying to please someone who could not be pleased, fix someone who could not be fixed, even though we both knew where her inability to love herself or others comes from. I am grieving for a woman I possibly never knew. I am in love with someone who doesn’t exist and who in the end took everything I had to give, emotionally, practically and financially and she left wanting just one more thing…

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    1. Concentrate on your daughter,family and good friends. That is what matters.I understand it hurts,yet who needs a person that hurts you in any way. You deserve as anyone to be treated kindly.It is now finally about you..your kid..your family..your life.She can have hers.

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      1. Thank you. I am trying to think this way. It’s difficult at the moment because I think I am in shock with the realisation of how I have lived for the last few years. I used to be an amazing parent and a very happy, content and relaxed person. All I’ve felt is anxious, repulsive and unwanted recently.
        I have held my hands up to my daughter and told her I have made mistakes and made decisions that were not in mine or her best interests. I have apologised. I will indeed make her and me the priority. I just need to snap out of the disbelief and accept that my wife just used me for whatever reason was in her head.
        Thanks again for commenting.

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  10. You welcome and wish you and your daughter,family all the best.As said..”This too shall pass”. You will be amazed how great you will feel in no time being free from any emotional,other “abuse”. Hey, we all learn in life, right?

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    1. We do and I’m sure one day I will feel light again. Her daughters were equally negative ad critical people. They chew people up and then spit them out. A horrible way to live and I’m better off out of it, my head says that. My heart is broken though and healing will take time. I thought I had married for life – I thought I had married my soul mate. WRONG!!! It’s going to take me a while to get my head around that.

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      1. It took me a while as well.However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
        I had to realize that it was also me who allowed him to treat myself and our kids the way he did. Once I did and did not look back…it all became better.

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