Support Forum

 

graphics-welcome-859433
To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie
Advertisements

8,712 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. How did you decide he was a narcissist? I have long known people who are are narcissists who are not abusers. This to me is WAY more about control (as in, controlling YOU) than self-love.

    Ime, most narcissists wouldn’t invest the time into controlling someone else, because it would take away time on themselves. For example, a narc generally wouldn’t have taken the time to stalk you- the way people looked at him wouldn’t have been invested in by him stalking and spying on you.

    It’s my opinion that a narc would have *never* let your teeth fall out of repair, simply because you wouldn’t have been “good enough” to be seen with him, and that just wouldn’t do. Any “flaw” in you would be a reflection on him.

    J seems to me to be a psychopath. Psychopaths often have a bloated sense of ego and are very charming, very charismatic people. This is a good article that outlines the characteristics of a psychopath.

    A big difference in my mind is the amount of time he spent on YOU- controlling you, spying on you; doing what he could to keep you in line. the head game didn’t revolve around his ego- it revolved around keeping you doing what he wanted.

    Psychopaths look normal; they act normal; the smart ones can function in society without really raising alarm. But don’t forget it’s all about them and what they think you should be doing, whether you agree or not. It’s about power and control, which yes, does feed their ego, but not in the same way.

    Either or, the important thing is that YOU ARE OUT. And that you are SAFE. And that you are HEALING (without him). It takes time to undo all those years, but you are well on your way.

    ^5s!!

    Like

      1. You are right! I’m not sure if it was this post or another one but I said that. There is no justification for abuse; ever! James used to say that I “drove” him to it, any real man would have hit me sooner, if I would just shut up or any number of other blaming statements and when you are in the situation you aren’t thinking clearly. But prior to being with him and since leaving him I know with all certainty I did nothing to deserve being hit. If there is one thing I would want to drum into any young girl’s head it is exactly that! There is never ever justification for abuse.

        If they were so justified then why do they lie about doing it and expect you to lie about it? Or say you drove them to “lose control” If they were hitting you and someone rang the doorbell they wouldn’t continue to beat you, they are in total control of what they are doing.

        Like

        1. They lie because they can- and of course, this is about control, too. They expect you won’t say anything because you have a conscience. And even if you did say something, would anyone believe you? I tried telling my parents, but they thought I was “being dramatic.” Other people (like them) are convinced they are great at “reading” other people; surely “they would know” if something like that was going on, right? I never had any marks on my face- they were all body blows. And he was soooo charismatic that he had them wrapped around his finger- couldn’t they see the sneers at me when they weren’t looking?

          You’re da** straight they know what they are doing. Even if it happens more when they are drinking and try to blame it on the alcohol, we know better. ‘Course, that might result with a “breakdown” and “sobbing” episode by where they can’t live without us and they are nothing without us, they “need” us to help them, give them another chance, etc etc etc. (can you see the eyes rolling in my head?) 🙄 Of course, they have to drink for whatever reason, usually back to it being our fault, too.

          I think it may be harder for people who don’t have the physical end of things to go with it- they don’t have any physical reminders the next day, and it’s easy to question whether or not it was real. At least until the next explosion.

          For what it’s worth. Being out is always better than being in, no matter how “good” the “good times” feel at the moment….

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Tikk only someone who has been there can truly understand; as you obviously can.

            My ex didn’t hit me often; like he used to say, “You talk like I come home and beat you every night, THAT would be an abusive relationship!”

            He didn’t have to beat me every night, once I’d been cold cocked a few times all he’d have to do is come at me with his fist raised and I’d shut up, but then there were the times nothing pleased him or I’d just had enough and couldn’t cow down any more. In the last few months we had his sister living with us and he even came at me with her right there and she jumped in front of him. He was 100 % evil by that time and didn’t even try to cover up his abuse.

            He’s involved with another woman, (he moved in to her place 3 days after I caught him in an affair with a married woman) and he never sees his sister¤ he can’t because she was witness to the truth. I am sure he has concocted some elaborate stories about me and why he can’t see her. The new woman must wonder why he doesn’t see his only sister.

            At first his sister believed the lies he told her about me and how tough life with me was. But it didn’t take a week before she saw how it really was. He treated her almost as badly and she was starting to doubt herself in very short order. To be the observer and not the victim was interesting. I knew exactly what he was doing to her and how she felt. It was her backing me and being my witness and voice of sanity and reason that gave me the strength to leave.
            Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

            Like

            1. Well, ya. It doesn’t take very long for those on the receiving end to get wary and react. I still remember the laughing…..

              One of the favorites was to do a leg sweep- he’d come up behind he, grab me around the neck/shoulders and side kick my legs out from under me- lovely karate move. He especially loved doing this when other people were around. It was obvious physical domination, and like what- I didn’t already know that he was stronger and bigger? 🙄

              Did he let you shut the bathroom door?

              Like

              1. Shut the bathroom door! That made me laugh out loud! What did your ex think you were doing in there?

                Mine wouldn’t let me IN the bathroom! He’d spend hours, literally hours locked in the bathroom even fall asleep in there with me on the other side of the door begging to get in; just for 5 minutes. I’d end up using a bucket.

                He wouldn’t come to bed, he said he didn’t need sleep but he’d fall asleep in the car parked in the driveway still running, bathroom, even standing up! He’d fall asleep sitting at the table and fall face first into his supper or smash his head on the table but would not go to bed! It was insane!

                He was always very careful to not let it show if he was jealous. He always said jealousy was a wasted emotion and he never worried about what I was doing. I could be hours late and he’d never call to see if I was ok. I would purposely stay out trying to get home after him; if I got home and he wasn’t there I’d go back out but I never managed to stay out longer than him and he’d come home about 15 minutes after I did. Or he’d call and say he was on his way home, so I would rush home and he wouldn’t show up for hours and not answer his phone. That way he knew where I was while he was out doing whatever he was doing.

                Oh don’t get me started, it was SO dysfunctional!! Rotflmao

                Like

            2. 🙄 The bathroom deal was obviously a point of control. If I tried to shut the door it was “What are you hiding?” and when I said “I’m just trying to go to the bathroom” he’d say “It’s not like I haven’t seen it all before. If you are just doing that, there’s no reason you can’t leave it open- unless you really are hiding something” blah blah blah.

              Like really? I don’t want to see YOU use the bathroom either! I am still grossed out, nearly 20 years later.

              I have a feeling we could go back and forth for a really long time. 😆 You’ll get there- in many ways I still can’t believe I put up with that crap; in other ways, I have to come to realize why I didn’t talk about any of it for all those years….. there’s still a sense of being totally humiliated (and hurt at the time) by it all.

              For a long time, we only had one car (even though he took my student loan money to pay for his car repairs) and we both worked at the same place- when he was working extra, he knew exactly where I was because I couldn’t leave…..

              Like

              1. Oh been there too!! Waiting after work to get picked up!

                I didn’t tell anyone either, partly because I was ashamed to admit I put up with that kind of treatment, partly because it sounded so crazy and when I HAD told a few people some tiny incident they got a glazed look in their eyes and changed the topic. I was sure they thought I was crazy. And partly because I didn’t believe it myself; nothing made sense; I kept trying to figure out why and there is no answer to why; other than that’s just the way he is.

                It won’t make sense, ever because we don’t think like them and we keep trying to deal with them as if they have the same feelings as us.

                Like mice in a maze and he keeps moving the bell we’re supposed to hit in order to get what we want. Eventually you just end up running in circles and go crazy.

                Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

                Like

        2. This is so well written and well explained, you simply must publish it as an ebook. so people can can help for their confusion, and get out. You could also print this out as a leaflet and charge a few dollars for it. Get some womens shelters/sexual health clinic, to make it available. Remove his name and call him simply an abuser, the term N is too confusing for many(not me)
          Also this should have a page of its own on the blog and you could, as i suggested before, have a donate to paypal button linked to a pp account to keep the content flowing. Its free to set up and I would certainly donate.
          please consider it.

          Like

    1. There are many different views on Narcissism, Psychopaths, Sociopaths, Borderline Personality.

      The majority of research I’ve read put Narcissists and Psychopaths in the same category. There are varying degrees of narcissism also and apparently it gets worse as they age. I don’t know if James got worse with age or just because we were together so long it was a natural progression a lot of women would have avoided just because they would have been long gone. “They” also say that they get worse when they lose their parents and I saw a very distinct increase in the abuse when James lost his father to cancer. (Which also gave me an “excuse” for his behaviour)

      The stocking and spying seems to be a pretty common Narc trait when the woman leaves them, when they are done with you they will leave without a backwards glance. It is too big a hit to their ego to have the woman leave them and a real boost to their ego to win the woman back. But once they win you back they respect you even less because you were stupid enough to believe their lies and they abuse you even worse.

      When James and I first got together I definitely was a trophy on his arm and he got ns from showing me off to all his buddies etc. But once we’d been together a couple of years it was like he purposely set things up that I would be looking my worst and he’d be at his best when we went out. He would call me and say let’s have dinner out. I’d say I’m dirty from work and don’t look good enough to go to a restaurant. If I went home to shower and change we wouldn’t end up going, if he talked me into meeting by saying, “I’m grubby too” I’d get there and he’d be looking fine. He wanted to be the one looking good all the time. The teeth thing, my teeth looked fine until after we split up. I was in pain but had all my teeth. Its since we’ve been split that I’ve been able to afford to get the rotten teeth pulled. So by outward appearances my teeth were fine.

      He wanted men to think I was attractive but to him that was justification to screw around on me. He had personal ads looking for women the whole 10 yrs he said,”You could go to bed with a man every day of the week if you wanted”

      I said, ” I guess I could if I wanted to. The key here is I COULD if I wanted to but I’m NOT because I choose not to because I love you and don’t want anyone else. You are actively seeking out women.”

      From what I’ve read narc’s are users, it’s far deeper than just that they are egotistical; they view every one and every situation with a “what’s in it for me” mind set. So what they want out of the woman can change moment to moment depending on his new agenda.

      Either way, no matter what label you stick on him, he was and is a psycho, egocentric, and highly intelligent which makes him a very dangerous man. I know I am lucky to have gotten away, there were several occasions I should have died in an “accident”. One of those times when I didn’t listen to my gut.
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

      Like

      1. Yep. Mine had it planned out, too. Except for some reason, he didn’t seem to think it would matter if it looked like an accident. He had a lifetime of playing the victim (he was deaf), so I’m sure in his twisted mind he thought he could get away with it.

        I think one of the most important things we can teach any of our kids (boys and girls alike) is to listen to that voice/gut. Listen- and then act. Reacting is just as important as listening, imo.

        Like

  2. Reading this is like a checklist. Knowledge is power and I believe that there are SO many women living in this and not knowing… thinking they are crazy… wondering why the gas tank is always empty so they can’t leave the house… forgetting lies and infidelities because there are so many to keep track of…

    It is also therapeutic.

    Like

    1. I’m glad you think it worthwhile, if I can help one person by sharing my experiences/mistakes then I will feel it wasn’t a total waste of 10 yrs.

      What ever trials I go through I try to learn as much as I can about whatever it is. I try to look at it as a life lesson and use it to help others or give others insight. It kinda makes it bearable if I think I can use it later to make the world just a little bit better.

      Plus like you said; knowledge is power.

      Thank you for dropping by.
      Carrie

      Like

  3. I strongly believe that this article is most definitely related to an extremely abusive man who was invested in You rather than himself aside from the affairs he was having on the side. His main interest was in keeping your self esteem & confidence low so he could have complete full control over you to get you to do what he wanted for him. This was a straight up compulsive woman beater you were dealing with right here. I know this from personal experience. They seek out women at an ultimate low (self esteem level) or at a very vulnerable point in their lives and promise them the world with their ooh so fake charming ways until your hooked then seek to destroy every bit of individuality you have and strip you of every ounce of self worth you have until you have nothing left but him. That is their the goal so you then become their personal punching bag and slave. This article defines a monster who was created out of low self esteem and preys on the weak to suck whatever assets they have out of them to build himself up. You lived in fear of your life scared walking on eggshells not to say or do the wrong thing around him to displease his fantasy he envisions to be his perfect world or you would most definitely pay the price for it with terror driven physical, emotional, and mental abuse. I am a survivor of one of these sick individuals I spent 3 years of my life with and got out the hard way but I am happy to have made it out alive. I was blasted full force straight dead in my face with his fist as the blood poured out like a water fountain I was kicked in my chest out of a moving truck going 35 miles an hour with the wind knocked out of me I laid on the ground as he then backed up jumped out and proceeded to beat me in the middle of the street with a jack-handle crowbar he pulled out of the back of his truck when I told him I was leaving him. Thank God my sister was on her way to pick me and my belongings up because she pulled around the corner just as he did his finishing touch stomping his foot in my back why I laid in a puddle of blood. He jumped in his truck and took off my sister pulled around the corner and her headlights from her car blinded me as I stared up at her laying on the ground. My husband My best friend that was with my sister in her car that day to come and get me picked me up off the ground and carried me to my sisters car and sat with me all night in the e.r. I suffered 3 strains in my back 2 black eyes almost a busted nose and my front teeth almost went straight through my mouth. I had bruises all over me at all different healing processes from all the beatings I took from this animal the hospital discharged me the next morning and I and my husband walked to the court house 6 miles from the hospital where I filed a restraining order and charges against him for assault and battery with a deadly weapon a class x felony. They arrested him on his birthday when they found him and he served 2 years they almost uplifted his charges to attempted murder. I just have to tell you you are so lucky to be alive today and to have gotten away from this man when you did because everything you described about this man is all identical to this animal my life almost ended in the hands of. That man would have killed you just as this one almost did to me. I am a very blessed girl and so much loved and cherished by my sweet husband. Never ever let anyone treat you anything less than you deserve we are all in this world to be loved and to be happy!!

    Like

    1. Thank you Chris for sharing your story. Thank God your sister came! I am so happy for you to be away from him and to have found true love, caring and respect.

      I know I am lucky to have gotten away, near the end I knew he would kill me I just didn’t know when or how. I was so beaten down, so confused, without resources (because he had sabotaged my vehicle and consequently destroyed my business, alienated my family and controlled the money) I never would have left if not for his sister who actually stepped in front of him when he came at me once and who witnessed his verbal and mental abuse and told me, “you have to get out or he’s going to kill you” she actually feared being in my company because she was afraid she’d be killed too just for being with me at the wrong time.

      That is why I started this blog to share my story and hopefully save a woman’s life. People like you that visit and share your story add invaluable experience and insight to my efforts thank you so much.

      Wishing you much love and happiness always.

      Carrie
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

      Like

  4. On the flip side I have another life experience to also share with you on the main topic of how to break free from a narcassist. I spent 12 years of my life in a deep coma with absolutely no recollection of a bright day. No not one. I was dead emotionally, mentally, and physically to the world. These types of vultures come in many forms. I was at a very depressed point in my life after the break up from my wife for life back when we dated as teenagers. Unfortunately I took what ended up to be the most worse advice from the most trusted person in my world at that time “my mother”. My mother worked with this vulture who lived in her apartment building at the time that she kept pushing on me to date. I had absolutely no interest in this IT but my mom felt that I should try to start dating to lift up my spirits. Needless to say this IT was renting an apartment with a roommate who was moving out on her and IT was crying to my mom who she was friends with on how she wouldnt have any place to live because she couldnt afford the place on her own. Needless to say my mom talked me into to giving this IT a chance so I ended up moving in with IT only 30 days into knowing her. It was supposed to be a roommate set up where I and IT would go in 50/50 on all the bills and rent however in turned into a sexual relationship not knowing it was her game to start paying her half of the bills through sex rather than money. I wore condoms at all times however right after I started letting IT know that she needed to come up with her half of the bills my condom ended up cut, YES cut and she admitted to cutting it saying she wanted to see what it felt like without one. Well here comes the baby obviously who I love with all of my heart but do not love the mother I never did. Well my family being the so-called good catholics they claim they are “JOKE” convinced me into marrying IT saying it was the right thing to do with having a baby from IT. This scumbag trapped me with a baby so she could then demask her front where all the games begin. TRUST me when I tell you this. The scum worked up until the baby came and then proclaimed that it was no longer her duty to supply any of the support needed not only for herself but for the baby neither. I found myself working 2 sometimes 3 jobs why this scum laid on her ass in front of computers and t.v sets spending and blowing away every penny on her fix for her Narc supply make-up, jewelry,clothes,manicures, you name it there was no room to fit any more clothes there was so many. Sex did not exist if that’s what you want to call it as soon as the baby came once to twice a year if lucky. When it did occur IT laid stiff as a board and dictated every move in the event not a sound came from IT I would have gotten more action out of a blow up doll. There is no emotion in a narc they are empty!! Love does not exist all you are is a supply source for a never ending vulture to feed on and suck every ounce of life out of. I lost everything all my self respect, self esteem, self confidence, I had no ego I was stripped of every ounce of dignity, love, and individuality that a person has to give the leach juiced me completely dry. Let me tell you God was with me on that special day that my wife came walking up to me on my second job I was working to feed the narc her supply of money. I was a trained Chicago Union Laborer with an income of 38.00 per hour and working as a pizza delivery guy at night. I lived in a trailer and drove a 20 year old car why the narc sported a newer vehicle with brand new clothes why I wore second hand clothes from the thrift stores. My children wore hand me downs from family why the scum had on brand new name brand clothes. I did everything cleaning, cooking, laundry, bathed the kids, sent the kids off to school, and worked 3 jobs. The scum sat on her ass why she had me and my children weighing hand and foot on IT. I was ordered to cook, clean, tend to the children, and hand over every penny of my hard earned money to this scum to go and blow on herself. The electric was shut off continuously, the rent was 3 months behind at times, groceries did not exist unless I withheld money to go buy them. They do NOT care about anybody or anything in this world except for THEMSELVES. It is ALL about them. I had been stabbed, busted in the head with metal objects kicked in the groin verbally assaulted and abused, ridiculed beyond belief I was referred to as THE LOSER or THE SLACKER among many other verbally slandering things that would send your head spinning if I did not fetch at every bark from this scum immediately. Narcassists resort to every possible demeaning, abusive, low down dirty sick twisted corruptive thing your mind may not even have the capacity to imagine. Physical abuse is a definite if they cant break you down to where they want you at at any given moment in time when they want or need their sick narc supply you will pay the price with violent outbursts of physical abuse. The scum will use you as a personal punching bag. I cant tell you how many times I had been chased with a butcher knife and whatever else was in reach because I was to tired to take the scum shopping or watch the kids why IT went shopping. I walked in from work to find this sick scum riding another guy in my bed not to mention lived with pictures IT displayed all over what was supposed to be my bedroom wall of her and ex lovers. People ask why did you stay? Let me tell you this unless you have been there and experienced this type of manipulation and fake perceptions and seen with your own eyes the capabilities of these scums you cannot judge!! These are the best manipulators and actors you will ever find in this world. I did attempt to escape a few times and found myself in the courtroom with false alligations through a restraining order the Narc placed against me to keep me from my children unless I came back. My daughter spent a month in the intensive care unit due to malnutrition that I was manipulated to believe was all my fault because I left and wasn’t there to take care of the baby and feed her. They will hurt your children as a means to hurt you they do not care about anyone!! I finally left permanently and divorced the Narc going on 4 years ago and married my first love my wife for life the love of my life. I told you earlier on God was with me and he was when that special day came that my first love walked up to me on my job I will never forget that feeling in my life I wrapped my arms around her to give her a hug as I looked her in the eyes and it was like a million voltages of lightning bolts hitting me straight through my heart. I could feel all the love come back to me and I could feel all of her love to it was the most amazing feeling I ever felt in my entire life. I feel this same way every day I have my life back My Love My True Love My Soul Mate. I strongly believe that God put I and my wife through the ultimate test to teach us and show us how things go when you don’t follow his design for our destiny!! We deal with the Narc with absolutely NO contact except very limited through E-Mail ONLY for the children ONLY!! Never attempt to communicate with a NARC especially when you end the relationship with them!!! They seek to destroy you much like when you were still their source only after you dump them it intensifies dramatically!! They seek vengance and want the control back!! Do not fall victim to these scums!!!

    Like

  5. im going through this right now and this is the best article ive read so far. my bf right now is the sweetes person when he smokes and drinks but when he dont have it is when he gets crazy. i hate it so much cuz i have to rely on him to drink and smoke to get some kind of happiness with him. i hate it has to be like this. i have been through so much with him. looking back on our relationship i cant believe i put up with a lot. i love him but after reading this is kinda helps that i know im not crazy. he says the craziest things. he can be a little racist sometimes with all the black and white stuff. i have a son with him and when i was preggo with him he put his hands on me for no reason. his way of thinking is really messed up. i remember i was nine months preggo with my son and someone broke into our house when we got dropped of from a friends house and they came in and stole his ps3. he was sooo heated and he started talking about how come they didnt take any of my stuff. later on that night he got mad at me and started to try and fight me. he had an attitude when i was getting induced with our son and he didnt like the fact i was getting induced. he had a bad attitude the whole time when i was in the hospital. he didnt help at all and wasnt supportive at all. i had to go back to the hospital the next week cuz i had developed high bld prs. i didnt want to tell him at first but i called anyway and telling him i could have had a stroke but all he cared about was his son. its like he didnt care. all because he didnt want my mom to watch my baby. hes very controlling. he wouldnt let me breastfeed and would literally take my son out my arms if he came in the room and saw me doing it. i had to sneak sometimes to nurse. one incident long story short. the day after thanksgiving he was mad cuz i went to my moms with my baby boy and he worked that night so i didnt want to be at the house by myself and when i came home he was mad. my friends were coming in from out of town to come get me. he was angry and blocked me from going. they were still on they way. he wanted my phone cuz he thought i had guys in it. i had caught him talking to another girl and i brought it up while we were arguing and next thing i know he yokes me up and im pushing him back and fourth defending myself. next thing i know he punches me like a dude in my jaw. im bleeding and i make it outside crying my eyes out. ppl call the police and they take him. he got 18 months. he only served 15 but i was determined not to go back and i was doing really good not talking to him. then toward the end i started missing him and i fell for his lies in the letters he was writing me and took him back. it was really good the first month. doing stuff he aint never done before. slowly but surely he got even worse and went back to his old ways. hes possesive of our now 20 month old son and wont let me be a mother to him like i need to be. hes always accusing me of cheating and im not doing anything. he doesnt take responsibility for anything. sometimes he might say its his fault on different things but im always to blame for everything. he calls me an mf stupid crazy. hes ungrateful. i spent so much money on him. mainly beer and cigs over the years. never really bought big items maybe some videogames. we lived in a motel for a year and a half on and off. i always paid for most of it. my last apartment i got evicted cuz i paid late every month. there were times i couldnt spend one dime off my check. he spent his half on weed. i didnt know until recently how much he spent on it every two weeks.since he been back he is all over our son and he feels that since i had him all this time that my time being his mom is over untile he gets 15 months with him as his father. he pisses me off when my son wants love from me and he always calls him a girl or me and my family treat him like a girl or we dont dicipline him. its not true and he aint hearing nothing i got to say. he makes up stuff thats not true think he know everything everything has to benefit him. i could go on and on and its sad that i dont have enough strength to just get up and leave. i def have it now but i just got to be careful how im going to do this. this article really opened my eyes and its really sad that all of this could have been avoided and how much money i could have saved or how my life could have turned out if i didnt fall for his words. im tired of all of it now. i want me and my child out of this and to be safe. when he was gone i was depressed and i ended up having another baby this time a girl with somebody else. he calls her is daughter but i dont want my daughter to have a father figure like him at all. i deserve soo much better. i have a very sweet attitude and he knows it. i shouldnt have to ask permission to take my son somewhere especially to my moms. he dont want him coming to my moms. its been a crazy five years. i cant lie i am going to miss the good times we had but the bad outways the good. but yeah this def sounds like him and it sucks that i had to go thru this and its pretty much a waste of time. i just hope i can get passed this and i believe i can with Gods help. i am a christian and i know im not perfect we go thru stuff also and the devil still messes with us also. im getting out of this and will get thru this trial with the Lords help. i will update on my situation. thanks

    Like

  6. I have read anything and everything I could get my hands on in the last 27 days. So, Sunday he left to go out of town on business. I accidentally locked my keys in the car and texted him if he has his spare set. He did. I got my fatherinlaw to make a key (works for a car dealership) and happily took care of it. N texted me that everything would be ok. Huh? Ok. I didn’t realize it was a big deal. Monday, I get a text how much he loves me and can’t wait to get back to me. That is normal for us. I get a text on Tuesday, saying he’s had a shitty day and will call me when he gets back from dinner. Ok. Not unusual. No call. No text. Weird. In the 4 years we’ve been together, 8 months married, we have never gone a day without speaking. Wed morning I call to see if he was ok. I get a groggy, WTF are you implying? Wait…I asked if you were ok, I hadn’t heard from you. “Michele, I’m sick of your insecurities. I’m DONE. DONE.” Ok…shattered but I know him, he’ll be back. N leaves me on Friday and moves in with Dad and step-Mom, taking our dogs. Dad is always there with open arms. I was initially in a state of shock. His excuses? We argue every OTHER MONTH (no yelling, just disagreeing) and I cannot take that. AND I love you but I am not in love with you. Ok…shattered again but still standing. He leaves with Dad and step-mom to go to a lake retreat meeting is formerly estranged family and their friends. Dad proceeds to tell me that some lady “wants to get in N’s pants”. Um…great. Shattered again.

    That Monday, I filed for divorce – we had no joint assets other than a lease he renewed in June. HE…signed the papers with landlord. Nothing was said, he did what he needed to do and the divorce will be final Sept. 27th.

    Now…back history in a nutshell:

    Met him while he was an inmate at a workcenter. He was a volunteer.
    Became his “old lady” for 2 years while he finished his sentence.
    Testified at his hearing that he was rehabilitated, etc.
    Parole approved to another state – released to father. (N is now 37, was 35 at the time).
    I leave job in my beloved city to move with N.
    I get new job in bum-hell but we start our life. It is good. Really good, but there are red flags that I don’t pick up on.
    I earn the majority of money. He “doesn’t want to work that hard” yet goes out and buys a 13K Harley Davidson so what do I do? I work harder…and harder…and harder.

    Fast forward to today: In the 27 days, I had ONE backslide where I texted him and told him F–k you for doing this to me and taking no responsibility. The response: I did take responsibility. I left YOU. Don’t ever forget that. I decided then to restart the NC right away. I’m on Day 12 of the restart and I pretty much could now write a text book on what I know and how I was caught in the web of deception and how he released me to go and victimize others. There are still moments when I shake my head and think, how stupid I was. Cleaning out a drawer, I found a STACK of apology cards from him. “I’m sorry I acted like a jerk.” “I’m sorry I lost my temper.” It goes on and on. I sat there and laughed about how ridiculous it all seems now. Scarred, definitely. Down and out. Nope.

    Leaving my job in 7 weeks to move back to my home. Packing up my life again but I am loving my “restart”. Reading Carrie’s words has helped tremendously. And I thank you for sharing so that others like me, that pick up the pieces of their lives, can move forward.

    Michele

    Like

    1. Michele, thank you for commenting, I am so pleased to know you found something here helpful; it is my purpose for writing about my experiences.

      I am happy for you to broke going back home where you will be loved and safe. It is never too late to start over and make a better life for yourself.

      Good luck. I wish you all the best in your journey.
      Carrie

      Like

  7. Hi Carrie,
    Your story resonates with me on so many levels. And your desription of things is so accurate, insightful and, well, easy to recognize as such–truthful, genuine–yet difficult to come to terms with for those of us who have been involved with an N beyond the honeymoon phase.
    Though I was only with my N for just over 2 1/2 yrs, I can relate all too well with much of what you’ve shared about your relationship with JC. My ex never hit me, but during his last few rages he had begun to raise his fists at me, threw a full cup of mocha across the room and started calling me a “Fu*king Bi*ch!” I am sure that it would not have been very long at all before he would have hit me if I had stayed.
    That said, there are a couple of differences:
    1) About 3 weeks before I learned of his infidelities and he threw me out, I told him I was leaving.I started taking my artwork off the walls and collecting boxes to pack with. He didn’t try to stop me. On the other hand, I didn’t have the means at the time to get a place of my own, so he knew that I wouldn’t be leaving right away. During those ladt few weeks, he broke down into convulsive sobbing spells a couple of times and continued to tell me he loved me, send me “XOXO” texts, and even BBQ’d us a nice dinner one night.’ Sometimes he seemed very sad & contemplative, sometimes indifferent and disinterested, sometimes irritated by my presence, sometimes tender & affectionate. Confused by his sobbing one day, I went out to an appointment but then called him and said, “Look, do you want to fix this thing? ‘Cos if you do, we need to start that process now before any more time passes.” He said that yes, he wanted to fix things but had to go to a nearby town for a couple hours (he didn’t say why). We agreed to meet back at home in “a couple hours.” I got home in time to shower, pretty myself up, clean up the house, etc. He did not call, text or show up for 8 1/2 hrs! (I had given up before then and gone to sleep on the couch.) Clearly he wasn’t invested in “Us.” It had become pretty clear before then that I was no longer willing to be a wallflower in the relationship (if I’d ever been) and would not be dictated to, etc. I had resumed going out with my friends and had started rebuilding a life of my own, having realized that waiting for him to resume being the kind of partner he had been in the beginning was a waste of time: If he wanted to join me, great! If not? Oh well.

    I KNOW now that he is a narcissist through & through, so when I read your words I think, “Well, he didn’t beg me to stay, didn’t try to keep me from leaving, so my thoughts on this are that he already knew there was no more NS to be gained from me, plus he had at least two other women on the go at the time (though I didn’t know that then), so he was pretty okay with me leaving. Or maybe he didn’t really think I would, I dunno.
    You say an N will do everything in their power to keep you from leaving. Mine didn’t. What are your thoughts on this, Carrie?
    Also, since our break-up was so awful and ugly/cruel (his actions), and I haven’t heard from him since his last nasty text in July–plus the fact that he is apparently still in the honeymoon phase with my replacement (last I gathered a few weeks ago–he’s been “public” with her for 2-3 months now), it seems extremely unlikely to me that I will hear from him again. This, despite the fact that I have been rebuilding my life quite well (all things considered) and the few times I’ve run into mutual friends I have been feeling and looking great. Do you really think it likely that I will hear from him again? I don’t think I will.
    And if I don’t, what does that mean? That I am too healthy for him? That he’s getting plenty of NS elsewhere?
    Oh sigh. The bigger question is, why do I care? Perhaps because, despite how much more I truly am enjoying life now, I am still struggling to come to terms with how little I actually meant to him. It still blows me away that anyone could be like that…like him. How do you do that???

    Like

  8. L, I still struggle with how someone can just shut off their feelings for a person and “fallon love” with the next one in a matter of a day! And be so cruel and heartless; but that’s what makes them a narcissist. If they had a heart we wouldn’t be reeling from the shock and pain of it all. I still have days when I want to “force” him to answer to me for things, explain why he came back when he clearly wasn’t coming back out of love but just to destroy me. But I know I would never get the truth and would leave myself open to more hurt and God only knows what kind of cruel thing he could think of; I shudder at the thought.

    As for the doing anything to prevent you from leaving, I think JC is a psychopath; I would have ended up dead just because he couldn’t stand the thought of someone else having me. I don’t think all narcissists are that possessive. A narcissist does learn from their mistakes if they got a severely bad reaction to something they did in the past. For example; James went off the deep end with one woman when she left him. It got his ass thrown in jail and cost him alot of money and he made himself look like a fool, so he learned to keep a woman using more subtle techniques like sabotaging my vehicle. Your ex may have learned through a past experience that he will look foolish if he tries to keep you.

    I’m sure he didn’t think you could leave just like JC didn’t think I could leave and then they would have carried on with their women and we would have been at home accepting their crumbs. This last time JC didn’t try to get me back because he knew I was done.

    Some narcissists will be in a relationship for only a few months others like JC will be in it for a dozen or more years, I guess that had alot to dowith the woman too and how much she will take and if she has a big brother that threatens to kill him :).

    I know what you are saying and I think I know what you are feeling. You don’t want him back but why didn’t he stock you, try to stop you, its an ego thing and I don’t say that as an insult to you; its natural I think. No one wants to be stocked but why the hell didn’t he stock you? Aren’t you stockable? Why hasn’t he at least tried to get you back? It’s. Not you!!!
    It could be many things, like I said he may have learned the hard way it will make him look bad to friends etc. He may have a very good source right now that he doesn’t want to F up. Once he is sure he’s got her firmly hooked he’ll fall into his old ways.

    You see alot of them leave town when they leave the woman, and leave the friends also. JC have any friends when I met him and he didn’t have any when he met the new woman; he took on her friends and family so no one is comparing notes. Your ex has to be careful because you run in the same circle of friends and you are well liked and respected. It sound like he is influential and would have to be careful. As stupid as they can be they aren’t THAT stupid.

    I still say that 95% of them will make a curtain call at some point. With JC he did it about 8 years after he dumped one woman. He moved to BC from Saskatchewan with the promise to send for her etc and just stopped calling I guess. Broke her heart. Then when his grandmother died he got in contact with her because he would be going to the funeral. From what I can gather he laid it on really thick about how sorry he was, that he still loved her etc and(all the while he was living with me) when he got there she picked him up from the airport eexpecting this wonderful reunion and he treated her like crap . He just wanted to know if he still could. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if your ex shows up out of the blue a year down the road; lays it on really heavy about how wrong he was just to see if he can still get you. Then he’d hurt you again.

    Like

  9. L, sorry my reply got so long my phone wouldn’t let me type any more in that comment box. Lol long winded or what??? !!

    The long and short of it all is, probably your ex has more to lose than most N’s and it IS very common that when THEY decide its over, it is SO over for them you don’t know what hit you. Like this last time with JC. He quite literally was telling me he loved me and gave me a hug and very loving kiss and the next day at noon I found him at another womsn’s house. And that night he had moved in with the woman he is with now. I was sure he would try to get me back again just like he always had: like he said,”we always end up together babe”.
    Your ex just did it sooner then later is all, probably because you are stronger than me.

    Hugs
    Carrie

    Like

  10. I wouldnt say my N is controlling…he’d have to give a shit first. Our relationship truely does revolve around him and his ego. He dumped me when I started to recognize his abuse. I had started to pull away and become terribly introverted. I wouldnt even sleep in the same bed as him but told him it was just cause it hurt my back. He saw it coming though. He knew I was drained, broke only working one part time job and didnt have a single girlfriend to turn to. It took me another two years to even figure out what the hell actually happened. I blamed myself and my depression for pushing him away and he let me. I couldnt even see that he was part of my severe depression. Then one day he was done. He told me to pack my shit and move on. I never really got an explantion or even a sorry. He was dating someone almost instantly. I was absolutly devastated. He had picked me apart for two years and then just moved on without a care in the world. The most confusing part about him is that he does sometimes let his emotions show. During the idealization stages he seems so upset that he could ever cause me so much pain and harm. I can see the hurt in his eyes and sometimes there really are tears, but it doesnt matter! He will do a complete 180 and drop me a week later. It’s so sad and depressing for me to watch. I can see he’s miserable in his life. I can see he’s in self destruck mode but he wont let me help him or even comfort him. He has too much pride. Im especially embarrassed about our last spin around. He was dumped by a much younger girl and somehow I was there to pick up the peices…but alas three weeks later he’s already found someone else and has kicked me to the curb. He just kept saying “im not dating her, were not dating”, blah blah blah but was very concerned with her feelings. He sat there and told me it wasnt fair to her for us to see each other. He says he had only met her a week or so ago. He’s know me for 5 years….Im the one that been there for him over and over again when he needs a shoulder to cry on, sacrifing my pride and self esteam, but SHE’S the one that gets the sympathy. I always sit and think “how can I get him back, how can I make him suffer like he’s made me suffer?” I can’t though. I dont have it in me to be that negative and destructive to another person. I tell myself he’s sesitive and has a extremely fragile ego. Then i think about that statement and wonder if it’s just all part of the game. He just wants me to think he’s that upset about the things he’s done to me and others…I want to contact him sooo bad today to tell him I cant do this anymore, but it wont work. He will either not give a shit, forcing myself to rethink my decision, or he’ll blame me somehow forcing me to question my judgement and sanity. PUSH PULL!! Thats the name of the game and he’s had me wrapped around his finger since day one 5 years ago. I always feel like I will never be able to stop this, and I feel like I will never meet a man that wont do this to me. Unfortunalty I’ve met another N since him…the very next relationship I tried. I had no idea what sort of pattern I was in when choosing men. Every go round with my N leaves me more and more disappointed with myself. I should know better by now. I feel for everyone out there that has been though or is going through this type of russian roulette. I wish I could lend some advise but I’ve got none to give at the moment, but maybe this comment will help someone. Thank you so much Carrie for starting this page and allowing other vitcims to share thier stories.

    Like

  11. Oh my God!…this was me. Was in this relationship for 6 years, it finished 10 years a go and I’m left with such psychological problems/mental scars that I haven’t been in a relationship since and built a wall around myself.
    It’s only when I looked back that I realized what I was dealing with but at that time they bring your self esteem down to nothing then ‘work’ on you. Nobody around me understands what I went through and wondering what’s wrong with me not wanting to be in a relationship again. I get angry with myself as I feel he still has this part of me under control.
    Since our break up he’s destroyed many other women’s lives.I found him just a subject to study now on FB but don’t really have any real contact with him. It is so true what you said when their cover is blown they move on..thanx so much for this!

    Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.